Author Topic: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!  (Read 642831 times)

Valerie

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2100 on: January 24, 2019, 10:06:06 AM »
Brilliant, Pat.  Made my day.
I'll sleep in my next life

TRex

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2101 on: January 24, 2019, 12:10:26 PM »
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

Except towers never talk to aircraft at 35,000 feet.

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

ICAO (International Civil Aviation Organization) mandates that all air traffic control communications be in English.

yelnats

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2102 on: January 24, 2019, 03:28:15 PM »
Quote
Seriously, it is a very good idea to make allowances for the color blind.

As said below, I am colour blind and a little while ago came across an app (Both Apple and Android) which shows all you fully colour sighted people what we colour blind see. Chromatic vision simulator v3. I can't see any difference b/w  "Common" and Tritanope, but what a difference for Protanopes and Deuteranopes.



It would also be a fast check to work out which colour blindness a person has rather than guess all those numbers.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2019, 03:31:40 PM by yelnats »

anona

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2103 on: January 24, 2019, 07:00:55 PM »
A  couple of Fawlty Towers moments there, Pat! Thanks.


a non-amos

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2104 on: January 25, 2019, 04:18:53 PM »
Here here for TR!

Another forumite who is familiar with ICAO and/or IATA!

- A
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

pat

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2105 on: September 25, 2019, 01:56:16 AM »
These might be oldies but they're still goodies!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Maudland

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2106 on: September 29, 2019, 01:09:59 AM »
Love them! Thanks, Pat.