Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[Les303]

A guy was in a clothing store waiting for his girlfriend to finish trying on outfits when he decided to watch something on his iPad.  As he sat down to watch his video, the scantily clad female on his iPad screen grunted and moaned loudly, getting the attention of everyone in the store.
Embarrassed, the guy muted the video and continued to watch.  An older gentleman sat down next to the guy and whispered, “You’re lucky.  When I was your age, I couldn’t get porn on a computer device.  I had to go to an adult video store to rent porn.  Anybody driving down the street could see you, and that could be embarrassing.”
An even older gentleman sat down on the other side of the guy with the iPad.  “You don’t know how lucky you are,” the second older gentleman said.   “When I was your age, if I wanted to watch porn, I had to go to a dark, dirty movie theater and pray that nobody I knew saw me go in or come out.”
A really old gentleman sat down across from the three other men.  This gentleman was so old that his voice trembled as he spoke.  “When I was your age, we didn’t even have adult movie theaters so if I wanted to watch porn, I had to make a couple sock puppets and sew attachments to their…”
The guy with the iPad was so disgusted that he got up and left the three older gentlemen to discuss their various methods of watching porn.
When the guy’s girlfriend came out of the fitting room, she was upset.
“I heard that moaning on your iPad,” the girlfriend said.  “I can’t believe you were watching pornography in public.”
“I wasn’t even watching porn,” the guy said, showing his girlfriend the iPad screen.  “I was watching women’s tennis.”

[Hobbit]

Hilarious Les!
Pen

[a non-amos]

I guess love means nothing to them.

 

[Les303]

Keep em coming,  A, I luv your clever puns.

[birdy]

Having accompanied several friends to doctors this week, I found this apropos.  My comments in red.

What the doctor did not mean to say.
 
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [elephants or midgets?]
3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. [The newest diet plan.]
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. [Apparently, she didn't kneed it anymore.]
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. [Apparently had nothing to say.]
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [Now I've heard of people having their head up there, but here's proof it happens.]
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 

[pat]

Love 'em.

[pat]

Excuses from parents for kids not attending school.

“My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.”

“Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“Dear school, please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 31, 31, 32 and also 33.”

“Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”

“Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”

“Chris will not be in school cus he has as acre in his side.”

“Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direa the shits.”

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhoea and his boots leak.”

“Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”

“I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”

“Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.”

“Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”

“Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”

“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”

“Please excuse Burma. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.”

[Maudland]

 

[birdy]

The sad thing about those excuses, is that I could identify with some of them.

[pat]

A festival takes place in Scotland every year - the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - where there's a competition for the funniest one-liner. This year's winner was:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

The other jokes making the top ten were:

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring"
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed"
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me"
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?"
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts"
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project"
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it"
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?"
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time"

(Some might not make much sense to non-Brits.)

[Les303]

Not at all confusing but most amusing for this non - Brit.

[a non-amos]

I once had a pet manatee named Hugh . . . Oh, the Hugh Manatee!

[yelnats]

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?"

I'm colour blind. I eat my greens and blues, and I go through both blue and green traffic lights.

[a non-amos]

Seriously, it is a very good idea to make allowances for the color blind.

Many times I have to write documents and policies.  Color can be a very useful tool in linking related information and making the meaning easier to interpret, but it doesn't work for all people.

Color coding should stay away from red and green; this is the most common form of color blindness.  Instead, use yellow and blue; color blindness to yellow and blue is much rarer.  There are also the standby colors of white, black, and gray.

Always provide an alternate reference and do not rely on color alone.  Refer to column B, which is yellow.  This will make it workable for the profoundly color blind (very rare).

I know the topic is supposed to be humor, but I had to say something about this.

- A

[pat]

A bit lengthy but some of them are amusing.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************************************************************** **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
 
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.' 

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'