Author Topic: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!  (Read 642923 times)

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1860 on: April 05, 2011, 07:51:56 PM »
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly                   
  man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns 
  you would like to ask me about?'                                         
  'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold 
  and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am   
  usually hot and sweaty."                                                 
  After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:                       
  'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
  would like to discuss with me?'                                         
  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.                 
  The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He   
  claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the 
  first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know   
  why?'                                                                   
  "Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time
  is usually in January, and the second time is in August

smaug

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1861 on: April 05, 2011, 08:16:18 PM »
still chuckling Tech :)

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1862 on: April 06, 2011, 06:00:51 AM »
Have passed it on to my emailing group - thanks.  Do you think the wife is muttering to herself, "Now is the winter of our discontent...:?

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1863 on: April 12, 2011, 10:12:38 PM »
Very clever...

During the summer it could be-

Now is the summer in my tent....

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1864 on: April 14, 2011, 02:10:11 AM »
 :laugh: :laugh:

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1865 on: April 29, 2011, 10:09:13 PM »
A punter had been losing on the nags so badly that even his bookie took pity.  After unsuccessfully trying to get him to give his luck a rest, he said "All right, here's what we'll do to break this losing streak of yours.  There were seven races today, and I'll write the name of each of the winners on a piece of paper.  I'll put 'em in my hat.  You give me 10 bucks and I'll give you 5 to 1 odds that you pull a winner.  Whaddya say?"

The punter took the bet immediately, sure that with this one certain win his bad luck streak would go.  He handed over the cash, put his hand in the bookies hat, whipped out a label and with anticipation read the name.  He paled and fell back into a chair.

"What's up?" asked the bookie.  "I don't understand!  What name did you pull out?"

"Akubra" the punter sadly replied .

pat

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1866 on: April 30, 2011, 12:07:31 AM »
Very much an Ozzie joke, 2T. I had to look up 'Akubra' to see what it was!

ensiform

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1867 on: April 30, 2011, 09:35:25 AM »
Sorry, 2T, that joke would be met with puzzled silence in the States... 

I got it after I looked up the label name.  And then thought about it for a bit.

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1868 on: April 30, 2011, 09:59:47 AM »
I could've set it in the US and had the betting slip say "Stetson" and it would've been understood everywhere, but it is an Australian joke.  Just spreading the culture, you understand.

Besides, I wondered how many would look it up.  :)

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1869 on: May 01, 2011, 01:15:32 AM »
For a wonder, I knew what it meant.  But I'm sure most Americans wouldn't, unless they'd visited Australia, or read as many Harlequins set in Australia as I have.

Culture is spread in many unlikely ways!

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1870 on: May 13, 2011, 01:16:31 AM »
The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'Well, you know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

 



pat

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1871 on: May 13, 2011, 03:53:55 AM »
Nice one, T. What a cool dad!

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1872 on: May 16, 2011, 08:23:03 PM »
Subject: NHS humour
 
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow region.

 
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab. test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 
For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital !

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1873 on: May 16, 2011, 09:52:34 PM »
Let the debate begin .............
 
 
 

 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little   longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

ada

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1874 on: May 16, 2011, 11:45:53 PM »
 :laugh:

Thank you very much Technomc, for those.
The medical list shall appear in my emergency department soon.
cheers, ADA