Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[Toni]

Oh I loved the proof-reading one.  Those sort of silly mistakes are the same all over.  We often either howl with laughter or shake our heads in sorrow at some of the ones that regularly turn up on the TV news.

[technomc]

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays, listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.
 
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."   
 
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."   
 
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."   
 
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."   
 
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
 
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.   
 
"The beach was too sandy."   
 
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."   
 
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.   
 
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."   
 
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."   
 
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
 
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."   
 
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."   
 
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"   
 
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."   
 
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."   
 
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."   
 
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."   
 
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


 

[a non-amos]

It really is amazing that so many people expect to find conditions and cultures identical to theirs when they travel.  Why do they choose to travel?

By the way, it appears that male elephants are prehensile at both ends.

[birdy]

Oh my!  Those elephants get you coming and going!  At least the back end doesn't have tusks...

[pat]

I suspect that most of the holiday complaints came from Brits! Where the Germans are known for the towels on the sun loungers, the Brits are known for complaining.

I overheard a conversation on one holiday. An English family plonked itself down next to us by the pool. Right from the outset they were moaning about everything - the sun was too hot, the food was foreign (well, duh, what do you expect in the Mediterranean) and so on. Shortly after that another English couple came and sat close to them. The man from family 1 started moaning to man no. 2 and he went on and on for ages, ending with what he no doubt thought was his coup de grace - "even the toilet moves". Man no. 2 must have been thoroughly peed off with it all because his reply was, "That's handy - you can bring it down to the pool to save having to go inside for a pee". Silence (at last) from man no. 1.

[TRex]

I suspect that most of the holiday complaints came from Brits!

Probably -- because the source was Thomas Cook Holidays. But I don't think Brits have a monopoly on this. My wife was in Spain on U.S. Thanksgiving and heard an American berate the waiter because they didn't have turkey and dressing and cranberries and pumpkin pie! (Spaniards don't eat turkey, & cranberries and pumpkins are native to America.)

My reaction to the complaints was like a non-amos -- such people should just stay home.

[birdy]

Some people get very uncomfortable outside their own little ruts.

[TRex]

Some people get very uncomfortable outside their own little ruts.

I've heard that ruts are shallow graves.

I like my shallow grave -- nice and cosy!

[technomc]

I was expecting a Hahaha they were funny.....

[TRex]

I was expecting a Hahaha they were funny.....

They were funny -- just in a rather how-stupid-people-can-be way. I laughed as I read them.

[Toni]

They were hilarious T!  I laughed aloud and copied them to send to my boys.  One just cringes at the idiocy of some people, and I don't think any country has the edge, we all have the ones who make us hope no-one thinks we're like that.

[birdy]

Yes, I laughed too - it's just that I thought they were probably based on fact, which is kind of disheartening, isn't it?

[Toni]

Sadly, I'm sure they are factual Birdy!

[technomc]

Factual indeed...

When we were in Menorca once a chap was complaining to the receptionists and Rep that it was too hot and he hadn't paid all that money to sit indoors ...idiots!!!

[pat]

Someone sent these to me recently. I thought you might enjoy them. Oh to be as quick-witted as the Cherokee pilot!



Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************************************************************** **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
 
 ******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************   

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.' 

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************
 
While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'