Author Topic: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!  (Read 642869 times)

biggerbirdbrain

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1650 on: January 10, 2009, 01:33:54 AM »
That was brilliant, binks. He must have learned it from you!  ;)

Binkie

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1651 on: January 22, 2009, 08:10:12 AM »
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia,
which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

(It really needs to be read out loud!)

 
 

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."


Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"


G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


RS: "Ow July den?"


G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"


G: "Crisp will be fine."


RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"


G: "What?"


RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"


G: "I don't think so."


RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"


G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew on juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"


G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."


RS: "We bodder?"


G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."


RS: "Wad?"


G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."


RS: "Copy?"

G:  Excuse me?"

RS:  Copy...tea...meel?"


G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."


RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"


G: "Whatever you say."

RS: Tenjewberrymuds."


G : "You're very welcome."





technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1652 on: January 23, 2009, 12:18:56 AM »
...and i thought July came just before August....silly me  :-X

Thanks Binx...very funny!!

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1653 on: January 28, 2009, 08:45:30 AM »
Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people1 -

First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor

Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

And had breezed through the questions until I read

The last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the

Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,

Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question

Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if

The last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers,

You will meet many people.  All are significant. They

Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do

Is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her

Name was Dorothy.



2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain


One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American

Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway

Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had

Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally

Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man

Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and

Put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his

Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a

Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a

Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A

Special note was attached.

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway

The other night. The rain drenched not only my

Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along.

Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying

Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God

Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving

Others."


Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.



3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those

Who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,

A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and

Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in

Front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and

Studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the

Waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on

The table and walked away The boy finished the ice

Cream, paid the cashier and left..  When the waitress

Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the

Table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,

Were two nickels and five pennies..

You see,  he couldn't  have the sundae, because he had

To have enough left to leave her a tip.



4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a

Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if

Anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of the

King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by

And simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the

King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did

Anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of

Vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the

peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the

stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing

and straining, he finally succeeded. After the

peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed

a purse lying in the road where the boulder had

been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note

from the King indicating that the gold was for the

person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The

peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve

our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a

hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who

was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only

chance of recovery appeared to be a blood

transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had

miraculously survived the same disease and had

developed the antibodies needed to combat the

illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her

little brother, and asked the little boy if he would

be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a

deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save

her."  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed

next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing

the color returning to her cheek. Then his face

grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a

trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the

doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his

sister all of his blood in order to save her.

greenone

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1654 on: January 28, 2009, 12:48:19 PM »
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL??? 
Try it without looking at answers. No peeping otherwise you'll ruin it!!!!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1- 9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
Now scroll down..........................




Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :
1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Hitler 
9. Greenone
10. Barack Obama
Believe it!

PS…..Stop picking different numbers.
I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1655 on: January 28, 2009, 12:52:41 PM »
My role model is anyone who could do that arithmetic in their head!

a non-amos

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1656 on: January 28, 2009, 03:38:23 PM »
My head appears to be a vast and empty space, unoccupied, with much room for such things . . .
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

biggerbirdbrain

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1657 on: January 29, 2009, 02:31:14 AM »
Loved the 5 lessons   :angel: -- hated the math!  ;D

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1658 on: January 30, 2009, 06:58:45 AM »
Thanks matey...i liked it too...

greenone

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1659 on: January 30, 2009, 10:29:32 PM »
Trivia rather than humour:

You can not keep folding a piece of paper in half more than 7 times - go on, try it!

a non-amos

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1660 on: February 05, 2009, 03:09:36 PM »
I did this one, along with a few other challenges, a few years ago.  There is a trick to it.

After each time you fold the paper, you must also unfold it.

Another of the challenges: I was also successful in my efforts to tear a phone book in half.

Page through the phone book until you are approximately half way through it, then rip it apart along its spine.  You have, indeed, ripped it in half.
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1661 on: February 06, 2009, 01:19:30 AM »
Someone emailed me a video on how to rip a phone book in half the traditional way.  I didn't try it to see if it could be done - I might need to look up a number. 

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1662 on: February 11, 2009, 04:47:35 AM »
True Romance...
 

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)

















"THE TEETH"

technomc

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1663 on: February 11, 2009, 05:10:45 AM »
Really bad puns

 

 

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!
 

pat

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #1664 on: February 11, 2009, 06:12:16 AM »
Love 'em, techno. No. 18 reminded me of an equally bad joke:

A man went into a laundrette, raped one of the women in there and ran off. The next day's headlines read, 'Man screws washer and bolts.'