Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[biggerbirdbrain]

 

[Binkie]

With Christmas bearing down you may be starting to get desperate for present ideas. Well, ladies, lucky for you this handy list will be more than helpful...

RULE 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

RULE 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.

RULE 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. Washer fluid, wheel gloss or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

RULE 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like 200 hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.

RULE 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.

RULE 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.

Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No woman knows why!

[biggerbirdbrain]

Reversing the rule, binks, men should always buy women shiny, glittery things. And they never know why, either!

[Binkie]

Ain't that the truth!  Excuse the delay in answering.....I've just discovered a website (Radio Time) that lets me listen to radio stations all over the world. Not only that....you can search for a particular program and find which station is or will be playing it. Consequently, I've spent the last hour laughing uproariously, listening to "My Music" and "My Word". They're both fairly ancient BBC radio programmes, but exceptionally clever and funny. Do you know them ?

[biggerbirdbrain]

Sorry, I haven't heard of them, but if you're laughing, I'm sure they're wonderful.

Could you copy a link for me here? I'd love to tune in.

[Binkie]

Sorry, Threeb.....got distracted again. The site is    www.radiotime.com/Index.aspx. Interestingly, I was listening to a British programme being broadcast by 91.7KXOT in Tacoma, WA!

[pat]

Binkie - did you know that you can buy radios that tune in to internet radio stations all over the world? You might ask why buy a radio when you can listen free on your computer. If your PC is always switched on and in a room where you spend most of your time there's no reason, but these radios can be placed anywhere in the house (as long as you have a wireless internet connection, otherwise they need to be connected via a cable) and used even when your PC is off. They can even play music lists from your PC, although the PC needs to be switched on for that. The only criterion is that you need Broadband. If you're feeling really flush you can even buy one that doubles as an iPod dock.

I bought one a couple of months ago. You can select by country or genre, simply by scrolling through lists using a menu wheel. I understand there are in excess of 4000 stations to choose from!

Sorry if you already knew all of this.

[Binkie]

No, I didn't know that, Pat. That's amazing ! I shall definitely have to investigate. Luckily we do have wireless broadband. I'll let you know how I get on!

[pat]

Mine is a Roberts Wi-Fi Internet Radio WM-201 and I'm really pleased with it. I think I bought it from Amazon.

[technomc]

John woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the
garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating.

John, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table 250
Hot Breakfast 3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'

[Binkie]

Haven't had a lot of time to look in on the forum, thanks to Christmas and New Year, but I thought you might like this email I received from my father. Since getting a computer, he and Mum have had a ball, and silly emails have been winging their way back and forth.
Bear in mind that Dad was a pilot with BEA for many years, before they became British Airways. He swears that these are true stories!



The scene. Manchester airport where I am waiting to operate the Man. Birmingham Paris service but have delayed the flight for one hour due thick fog in Brum. (Birmingham)
Phone call from pompous little Duty Officer in Brum, anxious to get rid of his passengers without having to feed them "Captain, the weather is improving, I've been out on the tarmac and you can see the sun"
Me, "I suppose that makes the visibility 93 million effing miles then, we'll take off at once".


The scene. Manchester airport. I am on about 2 mile finals to touch down.
Control tower "Reports of large flocks of birds flying backwards and forwards across final approach"
Me. "Forwards I'll believe"

The scene. Dublin airport.
Having diverted into Dublin on a London to Shannon flight and with the Shannon weather now improving (93 million miles) we taxi out for take off.
Control  " Bealine Pappa Juliet  is cleared at flight level 260 on Blue 2 ,left turn after take off and avoiding the Ballymuck firing area"
As it is not on our charts the F.O (Flight Officer) has to ask what it is and it's position.  (Please adopt a very Irish accent )....".Well now it's the Irish army firing up to 40,000 feet and it lies about 15 miles S.West....no, I tell a lie, that would be 12 miles S.S west ... hang on now, me mate says it's.....oh well, they're not very good shots anyway, you're clear for take off"

Lots and lots of love from her indoors and me,Dad.

[biggerbirdbrain]

Great story, T! Thanks for the chuckle, mate.

And, binks -- that was brilliant -- your dad must write a book!

[biggerbirdbrain]

Here are a couple of other little larfs I just found:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"


*************

Ponderings for the New Year ...

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

[technomc]

No to the last one [the first part anyway]...they are too young to appreciate it at the time, and too old by the time they do...
...as to the 2nd part- i'm saying nothing 

[Binkie]

This is an essay written by Hugh Gallagher when applying to New York University. He graduated from NYU in May 1994. In 1995, this essay was reprinted in The Guardian.



Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello...I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail...Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration...My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.