Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[birdy]

I did love that one too!

[technomc]

I'm sure the Bang Gang will appreciate it too if they read it, what with their Futon business and all....

[jane@manutd]

Warning....bit rude in places!

For those of you not in the UK.....an Essex girl is the subject of ridicule as in being a bit thick!!!

Essex Girls -

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed
council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds
of them!'


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok..'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them!'

[technomc]

Nice one Jane, and absolutely no fear of offending anyone!!!

[technomc]

Very appropriate me tinks...

[Binkie]

 

[biggerbirdbrain]

Sounds like your equivalent of our blonde jokes here in the US -- and they're endless (the jokes I mean, as well as the blondes!)

[Toni]

And the van der Merwe jokes here.  That was lovely Jane!

[anonsi]

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (or Severe Distortions, thereof):

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Definition of a will: A dead give away.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll be repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

You feel stuck with your debt if y ou can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[biggerbirdbrain]

Oh, anonsi -- those were so cute! I've heard some, but others are new to me. Thanks for the laugh to get me started this morning! Good to hear from you, kid! 

[birdy]

Can't remember if this one has been posted before, but what the heck:

________________________________

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and
will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail . 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .



And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....

[Binkie]

Thank you, Anonsi and Birdy....a good chortle to start my day !   

[biggerbirdbrain]

A great parable -- I like it a lot! 

[birdy]

It does kind of go along with the cat and dog diaries posted some time ago, doesn't it?

[Binkie]

In the "Strange but True" category........

"A company called The Pond Inc. is now selling a product called "Subtle Butt", billed as a fart neutralizer, to eliminate smelly flatulence.

It's an activated carbon fabric pad, measuring 3.25" x 3.25" square, and adheres to the inside of your underwear with two self-adhesive strips.

As the wind breaks, Subtle Butt filters the flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. Now you can eat as many burritos you want and still have a social life."