Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[Binkie]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance-- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[biggerbirdbrain]

That is SOOOOOOO cute, binks! 

[birdy]

drat!  I left a couple of very good jokes on this thread today and they've disappeared - the cost of the upgrade, I guess.  Too bad I can't remember what they were.

[greenone]

G'day Binks.  I was thinking of you this morning.  I visited a friend from work who is on maternity leave and lives at Regents Park.  Driving down Beaudesert Road I saw a few signs for Algester & looked out to see if I could spot you riding down the road with grandchildren in tow - but not a sign of you anywhere!!  Where were you?  Slacking off for the day, or just riding around the back streets?

[biggerbirdbrain]

Messages here were lost as well -- had a coupla funny ones ...  :'( :'( :'(

[biggerbirdbrain]

Careful!     

[biggerbirdbrain]

A Few Points To Ponder

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near
impossible.

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines and
parking lot signs?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?

[anonsi]

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Yes. 

[technomc]

I'm off to get some bleach in that case!!!!

[anonsi]

I highly recommend it!

[a non-amos]

A couple of answers, but not many.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

Not always true.  I had this discussion with a former supervisor.  If there are 10 students taking a test, and 9 of them score 100, and the last one scores zero, the average is 90.  Most of them are above average.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I have organized fossil hunting expeditions for forest rangers coming back home for a vacation from their work in Alaska.  They generally want a combination of things they have done without.  This should also include some really good food.

[biggerbirdbrain]

Very punny! 

Here's a few more laughs --

Overheard:

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't
want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

[technomc]

I could use all of those threeb...

[must write them down....]

[biggerbirdbrain]

They're definitely handy, and everyone knows someone to whom they will apply! Have fun, T!

[birdy]

I'm afraid this group has not been living up to its reputation lately.  I'm very much concerned that we're getting too serious.  Yes, the game is important, and whether pants are allowed or optional is important anywhere other than a nudist colony.  Yes, it is important to make fudgier brownies, and to wear the proper thing to our birthday celebrations.  However, it is also important to realize that WE ARE NOT SERIOUS PEOPLE -  it is our DUTY to raise roofs, or even possibly rooves, and to shake the established order.

So, to counter the present prevailing atmosphere of sobriety, I hearby suggest the following:

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom..... Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ....."In Box."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write: "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, ..........Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ........."To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask... Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're .........Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream... "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner:
"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20.  [And this is where you get to make your own suggestion]