Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[greenone]

I'm not sure she is so smart.  If he was found to be over the alcohol limit, his insurance company wouldn't pay for her repairs and she may have to ruin her own 'no claim' rating when claiming against her own insurance company. 

[biggerbirdbrain]

Here's the story of a man driven to distraction:

There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.

"Hi, can I help you?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!"

"Geez, alright, relax," said the truck driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.
A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.

"Hi, can I help you sir?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now," screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax," said the truck driver. "I'll see what I can do."

He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.

Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.

"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."

But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistant. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"

The truck driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can imagine.

"Let me guess!!" the truck driver shouted, "you're the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want!!??"

To which the man in blue replied: "Your license and registration please."

[technomc]

Ha di ha....

[biggerbirdbrain]

I'll admit, it's not terribly hilarious, but was the best I could do after pulling two 11-hour workdays, fighting a cold and about 10 hours of sleep in between!

But fear not, there's plenty more out there...let me go find some...must make people larf today!

[biggerbirdbrain]

In case anyone is in the mood to strike back after an injustice, I thought I'd post a few classic gems:

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- - - Jack London
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- - - Charles Talleyrand
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- - - H. H. Munro

[Linda]

    Especially the last saying!!  Hmmmm!! 

[technomc]

I have used the sperm one on several occasions.....
The trouble was...they were so slow, it was lost on them completely. Everyone else around was in hysterics though....

[biggerbirdbrain]

The first and last are my favorites!! 

Here's some more, with a twist -- guess which nationality is being described*
(*disclaimer: if anyone is sensitive about putting people down or insulting someone's culture, either read this or not -- you have been warned. This is a public service announcement.):

1.
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up ______ today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.
- - - D. H. Lawrence, 1912

2.
Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
- - - Charles Dickens

3.
_______ is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- - - Richard Brenner

4.
_________ is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.
- - - Billy Wilder

5.
The ________ have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
- - - Paul Theroux

[birdy]

And the answers are...The Poles!  The Morons!  The Blondes! - have you ever noticed that the Polish jokes of our (at least my) youth are now being told about blondes? 

I knew the last one (guessed it actually - my stereotypes must match the author's), but had to look up the others. 

[technomc]

I didn't have a clue...
I hope i don't know any of them, however the first one reminds me of someone!!!

[Linda]

    Presactly!! 

[Binkie]

 

   

Julie Andrews turns 69 -
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. one of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie, "Sound Of Music".
Here are the lyrics she used:


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[technomc]

What a eulogy that would make.....

Brilliant!

[biggerbirdbrain]

Shockingly, it sounded like a lot of the conditions I'm already starting to get! Oh, no!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

[Binkie]

Picture of blonde pole dancer coming up.......please do not scroll down if you feel you may find this offensive....