Author Topic: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!  (Read 642700 times)

Les303

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2070 on: June 02, 2017, 03:24:52 PM »
Or there's the husband that offers his wife breakfast in bed.


pat

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2071 on: June 19, 2017, 06:06:26 AM »
This one's a bit rude...



(big gap so you can skip it if you might be offended)












A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you've caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he'd taken her advice. “What's wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

Dragonman

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2072 on: June 20, 2017, 02:25:48 AM »
Another slightly risque one




A young man and his girl were getting passionate on the sofa at her home when her parents were in bed.
The young man stops and says to her
'' sorry love but I need to use the toilet''
''you can't '' she said  ''the bathroom is next to my parents bedroom...you will wake them ''
She tries to distract his need with more  passionate kisses.
''its no good '' he said '' I MUST go to the toilet''
The young lady said '' use the kitchen sink ''
'' I cant do that '' said the young man,horrified at the thought
'' yes you can. It will be OK '' she reassured him
 The young man took himself of to the kitchen.
After a few minutes the girl asked him  '' Have you finished yet? ''











''Yes '' said the young man '' have you got any paper????''





Dragonman ;D >:D
You are UNIQUE....just like everyone else

birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2073 on: July 24, 2017, 07:03:38 AM »
This could explain why some of you are different from the rest of your family!
 



After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.

Les303

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2074 on: July 24, 2017, 10:11:08 AM »
This one's a bit rude...



(big gap so you can skip it if you might be offended)









« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 10:13:01 AM by Les303 »

Les303

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2075 on: July 24, 2017, 10:31:24 AM »
Continuing the slightly risqué theme ;








An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.   
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
 
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
 
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Les303

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2076 on: July 24, 2017, 07:35:17 PM »
Please opt out if you are easily offended ;

OPT OUT
OPTOUT
OPTOUT

I bet that even though you might fight it distasteful , you will not be able to resist & will read on regardless.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



birdy

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2077 on: January 03, 2018, 05:05:31 AM »
This thread has been ignored for too long - I think we need a laugh.


The Raise

 
The maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife (increasingly angry): “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

lilys field

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2078 on: January 03, 2018, 11:42:25 AM »
Two impeccably groomed poodles sporting bejeweled designer collars minced down the avenue.  A hound dog, approaching them, said: "yawl looking mighty fine today, mighty fine.  How do folks call you?"

The glossy coated black one sniffed:  "My name is Mimi.  That's spelled M-i-m-i."

The toy cocoa, her nose in the air, said, "And, I am Fifi.  F-i-f-i."

"Pleased to meet Maams.  My name is Fido.  That's spelled "P-h-y-d-e-a-u-x."

a non-amos

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2079 on: February 10, 2018, 02:36:46 PM »
I must disagree with the decision to make "baleen" an uncommon word.

This is common in some regions of the UK, especially in Whales.
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

Ozzyjack

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2080 on: February 11, 2018, 08:18:15 AM »
I must disagree with the decision to make "baleen" an uncommon word.
This is common in some regions of the UK, especially in Whales.

Bravo. Very Punny  :D
Regards, Jack

Ozzyjack

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2081 on: February 11, 2018, 08:21:45 AM »
From this Morning's Sydney Morning Herald
“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.”

“OK! That’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole-wheat gluten-free thin crust?”

“No, you may not! I don't like vegetables.”

“Your cholesterol needs help, sir.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“We cross-referenced your mobile with your medical records, and have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.”

“Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol!

“Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Soul Pharmacy, four months ago.

“I bought the rest at another pharmacy.”

“Not according to your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL?! Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without internet, cable TV, mobiles and jerks watching and spying on me.

“I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago.”
Regards, Jack

Les303

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2082 on: February 11, 2018, 05:20:35 PM »
Just thought that there might be a few out there that can relate to this one ;

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

a non-amos

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2083 on: February 12, 2018, 01:48:26 AM »
I got to thinking about the concept of a beauty pageant in Alaska.

Might the winner be declared a Miss Nomer?
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

Ozzyjack

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Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« Reply #2084 on: February 18, 2018, 04:45:52 PM »
Ocker Yobbo came home from the pub feeling no pain and full of bravado to find his wife watching a Gordon Ramsay cooking program on the TV.

OY: what are you watching that for?  You can’t cook worth a damn.
Wife: So what.  You watch porn movies, don’t you?
Regards, Jack