Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[birdy]

Did you ever read the Art Linkletter book, Kids Say the Darnedest Things?  Very funny.  They just don't look at the world the way adults do.  My cousin posts the funny sayings of her two young boys on Facebook, and they always make me laugh.

[a non-amos]

So . . .

In medieval times, an elderly monk was hunched over a scroll he was transcribing.

He paused to read it, and jumped off of his stool exclaiming.  He then grasped his chest and collapsed from a heart attack, dead as a doornail.

He immediately found himself at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asked him, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "The word was not supposed to be celibate, it was celebrate!"

- A

[a non-amos]

Bad joke for the day (this one pertains to soccer and/or football):

This morning I used a coffee stirrer.

I then had a whorled cup.

 

[mkenuk]

I suppose you then spun it around ........

........ making it a whirled cup!

ba-boom!

MK

[a non-amos]

I was uncertain, so spent a few minutes to check my facts on word usage.

My first instinct was to use "whirled".  I was convinced to use "whorled" instead.

I am not saying that I am right, only that I made the effort.

I welcome any and all comments from forumites.  It's a sad day when I don't learn anything.

- A

[pat]

I don't know if this is true or not, but I hope it is.

This happened at a New York Airport.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled and a single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first  and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[a non-amos]

Had I yet told you about my cousin?

She always takes extra batteries when she goes to the beach.

She sells C-cells by the sea shore.

 

[a non-amos]

Bad joke for the day:

What spice means the same as (has the same meaning as) any other spice?










Wait for it . . .







synonym

[mkenuk]

I should have seen that cumin.

baboom!!

[a non-amos]

Had you also heard that calendars are extremely bad luck?

Seriously, if you take one look at a calendar your days are numbered.

[pat]

You can substitute the name of any 'favourite' politician in this one:

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it wouldn't be an accident either.

 

[smaug]

Love it Pat!
Love 'Little Johnny' jokes

Our Prime Minister and his party would fit equally well!

[pat]

Our Prime Minister and his party would fit equally well!

I see what you mean, Smaug. I've just been reading that Tony Abbott is desperately trying to prevent the Great Barrier Reef from being classed as 'in danger' (which it is) in order to allow half of Queensland to be turned into a coal mine (OK, slight exaggeration). It seems that money trumps all no matter what country you live in.

[smaug]

In the recent Budget Pat there was barely a  mention of the environment or climate change, let alone money to be spent.

On another note there are terrible things happening with Palm Oil plantation spread and deforestation in Borneo and Sumatra

http://www.palmoilinvestigations.org/

[pat]

I find it utterly depressing, the way we're blindly destroying the planet. Even now there are still climate change deniers who, in my opinion, are just as stupid as the holocaust deniers. Or maybe it's not stupidity but simply a refusal to believe that their profits are not what the world needs more than anything else. Me, me, me.