Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!

[a non-amos]

Joke for today:

Had you heard about the most recent terrorist attack?

They hijacked a plane full of bagpipers, accordion players, and lawyers.

Now they are threatening to release them, one every hour, until their demands are met.

 

[pat]

                    LOVING HUSBAND


                    Sandy has two of the best tickets for the Scotland v England 6 Nations decider at the Murrayfield Stadium. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

                    "No", he says, "the seat is empty."

                    "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat for this game, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

                    Sandy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been to together since we got married."

                    "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
                     

                    Sandy shakes his head...

                    ...."No. They're all at the funeral."

     

[pat]

A man is alone in an airport lounge.  A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by trying to identify the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

'Ryanair'.

[Gaye Christine]

 I snorted 

[TRex]

Pat, I read both of your most recent items to my wife (I had her read about customer service issues before reading the last one), and she who rarely laughs aloud, laughed at both!

[pat]

Having checked out that link, Trex, all I can say is that it's good to have a laugh after you've cried! What an airline. Or, more precisely, what a boss.

[TRex]

Actual Complaints Received by Thomas Cook Vacations From Dissatisfied Customers
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

[mkenuk]

Wonderful! My favo(u)rite is the kids being scared of the fish in the water. What did they expect to find in the sea, I wonder.

 

MK

[bobbi]

I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

Imagine how popular a resort that guaranteed a mozzie-free experience would be?

[pat]

Before I discovered the pleasure of plodding through jungles, my foreign holidays consisted of a week's lounging by a hotel pool. On one such occasion there were two British couples nearby. One man spent quite some time complaining to the other couple about the sort of things in the Thomas Cook list posted by TRex: too much foreign food; too many people on the beach etc. His final complaint was, 'Even the toilet moves'. The other, long-suffering man, finally coming to the end of his tether, said, "Well that's handy. You can bring it down to the pool with you to save having to go back inside when you need a ****."

[pat]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030?

 

· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions

· White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

· Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

· Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burka: Sharia law must be enforced.

. The Japanese announce that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

· Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

· Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

· Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

· Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

· Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

· Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

· After a ten-year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

· Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

· Supreme Court rules that punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

· Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

· New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

· Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

· Bradford won this year's FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

[Hobbit]

I'm nine hours in to working a long, eleven and a half hour day and am just starting to flag   I read TRex's posting and just laughed out loud - just simply hilarious.  Did me the power of good.  Can face the last two and a half hours now.
Pat - I found your posting scarily prophetic!  Had to go back to Thomas Cook to cheer myself back up again.   

[pat]

I read this in the paper:

"A 37-stone man who was told that he'd need to buy two tickets for himself on a flight to Ireland forked out the extra cash - only to find when he boarded the plane that his seats weren't even next to each other. Going out, Les Price's seats were separated by one belonging to another passenger. On the way back, they weren't even in the same row."

A rich vein for a comedian to mine!

[TRex]

37 stone?? That seemed huge, so I did some calculation (that is one non-metric unit not used in the U.S.) .... oh my, that is huge! He's lucky they didn't make him buy three seats!

Speaking of non-metric: which two countries besides the U.S. do not use the metric system? (Who knows without researching?)

[pat]

We use metric in this country as well as avoir dupois. We use both for distance measurements, too, but for some reason we've always been reluctant to abandon the non-metric versions. For example in supermarkets, goods are usually priced per kilo, but the equivalent price in pounds is also given. Maybe once the generation that grew up with pounds & ounces and feet & inches has all expired, metric will be king.

But don't you give people's weights in pounds in the UK, TRex? I'm sure I've seen it in American novels.