Author Topic: Cracker jokes  (Read 1850 times)

pat

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Cracker jokes
« on: December 08, 2020, 08:00:37 PM »
Apparently these are the top 10 Christmas cracker jokes in the UK this year. (Those outside the UK might be puzzled by number 1, which isn't even very funny anyway.)

1. What is Dominic Cummings’s favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you.
7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2020, 08:47:07 PM by pat »

Calilasseia

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2020, 06:57:22 PM »
I suspect a good few people will enjoy this ... :D
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les303

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2020, 08:29:52 PM »
And all this time Pat, i thought that you had no Christmas cheer.

pat

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2020, 09:48:59 PM »
You're absolutely right, Les. I loathe this time of the year. Dark at 4 p.m., dreadful rubbish on the TV, mayhem as people stock up with food as if the shops are going to close down for a fortnight. (That's likely to be even worse this year if people start stockpiling in the almost certain event of the no-deal Brexit that Johnson has wanted all along and to hell with the damage it will cause.) What's to like about it? You're so lucky over there to have christmas when the weather is nice.

I can still snigger at silly jokes though. ;D
« Last Edit: December 12, 2020, 11:25:01 PM by pat »

Scouser1952

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2020, 02:25:40 AM »
Here, here, Pat!
Couldn’t agree more!
Tony

mkenuk

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2020, 08:49:01 PM »
Couldn't agree more.

Even in Thailand, a Buddhist country, it is impossible to escape being bombarded with choruses of 'Jingle Bells' or 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' whenever you set foot in a supermarket or shopping mall any time after about November 1st.

Speaking of which can anyone tell me how the aforementioned 'Jingle Bells' has come to be the universal anthem of Christmas? It's a ditty about some young kids taking a sleigh ride through the snow. Personally, I wouldn't care if I never heard it again. The word 'Christmas' is not mentioned once in the song, so where did its reputation as a 'Christmas' song come from?

nineoaks

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2020, 04:25:08 AM »
Ah, yes, Jingle Bells.

As a former Kindergarten teacher, I can tell you that Jingle Bells is a FAVORITE song, probably because of its rollicking pace and the chance to sing the chorus LOUDLY.

But, hearing it in the shops every November -January...torture.

Because we almost never hear any but the first verse, few of us know that it's a song about high-spirited courting-age young people getting a chance to ride unchaperoned through the snowy landscape. The second verse is:

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side,
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot.

A tumble in the snow--what an opportunity!


Even more rare is the 'Little Deuce Coupe' of 1854:

Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young,
Take the girls tonight
and sing this sleighing song;
Just get a bobtailed bay
Two forty is his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! you'll take the lead.

However, most appropriate for Chihuahua is:

    Aussie Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the bush, in a rusty Holden ute,
    Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot,
    Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs,
    It's Summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs

    Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
    Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
    Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
    Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute.


Happy Holidays (wear your earplugs when you shop!)

birdy

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2020, 08:10:01 AM »
Wow!  Never knew that, nineoaks.  I always thought it was somehow related to "Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go" - also frequently used as Christmas time, though I've heard that it is actually related to Thanksgiving.

nineoaks

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2020, 10:12:08 AM »
Birdy:

I think of those songs together as well. 'Over the River' does mention Thanksgiving*, and as I recall, in school (~100 years ago) that's when we sang it.

*Over the river and through the woods,
To have a first-rate play;
O, hear the bells ring, 'Ting-a-ling-ling!'
Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day!

Calilasseia

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2020, 08:35:57 PM »
For those who like their Xmas songs ... shall we say, colourful, there's one by a certain Australian artist known as Kevin Bloody Wilson that might appeal :D
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pat

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2020, 09:22:42 PM »
Would that be the ho ho ho one? I once rang a friend of mine to play that for her over the phone. She wasn't in so I left it as a message. Unfortunately her mother played the message.    ;D ;D

birdy

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2020, 10:39:59 AM »
For those who like their Xmas songs ... shall we say, colourful, there's one by a certain Australian artist known as Kevin Bloody Wilson that might appeal :D

Calilasseia,

Would that be "Hey Santa Claus"?  Now I know how to use the word "sweary"!

Calilasseia

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2020, 02:22:08 AM »
It's the song about the elves going on strike. :D
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birdy

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2020, 09:27:08 AM »
Would that be the ho ho ho one? I once rang a friend of mine to play that for her over the phone. She wasn't in so I left it as a message. Unfortunately her mother played the message.    ;D ;D

Okay, Pat, that wasn't the one I'd seen but I just looked up the words, and as a fourth generation union worker (my great-grandfather was a Wobbly), I do approve.

pat

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Re: Cracker jokes
« Reply #14 on: December 24, 2020, 09:40:46 AM »
Glad you approve,  birdy,  but what's a Wobbly?