More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Just a quickie this morning as yesterday was quite exhausting.  We decided the way we had originally set some of the rooms up could be improved.  So, we did a bit of rearranging of furniture.  We got a lot of help from the Coorparoo folk.  Dusty and Bonnie had a rematch, and the swimming pool got a hammering.  An enjoyable day, on balance.

Today, we are getting the dining room table and chairs we ordered in July and were promised for mid-September.  Also, we have an electrician coming in at 7.00 am to bring the electrical wiring and smoke alarm system up to current standards and to replace some ceiling fans that were a bit long in the tooth. 

A touch of irony for you.

   

Something to inspire you as you set off to work (your) tomorrow.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

No spring in my step today Feeling a bit Mondayish!  I had to scrape a thick layer of ice off my windscreen this morning - it was very cold first thing. 

         

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech.  He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?'  Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

Here's a little snippet of Goons.  Eccles:  'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!' Seagoon:  'But you can see through it!' Eccles:  'Not if you close your eyes!' Seagoon: 'You're right!'
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone. The Red Bladder: I haven't got one. Seagoon: Don't worry, We've brought one with us.
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet? Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!

Better get myself back to reception!  Hope your furniture re-arranging is progressing satisfactorily & your new dining table & chairs arrived in a timely fashion

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Oscar Wilde and the Goons.  You have dug deep.  Well Done.

I think our dining table must be cursed.  I got a ring about 9 O’clock to say that the driver of our delivery truck had fallen from his truck and broken two ribs and we would have to reschedule.  We are now on a promise for Wednesday.  Cross your fingers for us, Pen.

    

Sheila went up to an assistant in the Book Store.  She asked if there was a home brewing section.  After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said Sheila. “My husband.”

[Hobbit]

I couldn't find any funny cartoons about cursed dining room tables Jack but I did find a book written by Blue's friend 


As requested

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Another busy day.  The Blind man came at 7.30 am.  I mowed the lawns and did a bit of whipper-snipping and then we went over to Coorparoo and didn’t get back until after 5.00

   


I think the cowboy is Blue’s American cousin

Blue has relatives all over the world.  He says that some emphasise the differences of people from different countries whereas he says he is is surprised at how similar they are in basic characteristics.
 
A Jewish man, for the sake of the story let’s call him Blueski, was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Blueski: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that? That is Comrade Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!  He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero”

The official laughed and let Blueski through.

Blueski arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Blueski: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."   I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented me from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: Who is that?

Blueski: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."

 MORAL :- Politics is when you can bullshit in different ways to fool different audiences, to allow you to look good in every situation.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I enjoyed your post - it really made me laugh

I think the cowboy is definitely Blue's American cousin

         

Here's a variation on a joke that's so old it's got whiskers & a beard
A fellow in our office told us about a household incident of which he had been an innocent but perplexed spectator. Our friend had called a Venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind, and the next morning, while the family was seated at the breakfast table, the doorbell rang. Our friend’s wife went to the door, and the man outside said, “I’m here for the Venetian blind.” Excusing herself in a preoccupied way the wife went to the kitchen, fished a pound from her purse, pressed it into the repairman’s hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table. “Somebody collecting,” she explained, pouring the coffee.

Hair raising
I can't match Blue's American cousin but this might tickle you
 
Clinic's getting busier - time I wasn't here

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Where has my chubby little puppy gone?

You can uncross your fingers now, Pen, thank you.

To continue your western theme

   


Blue went into the shoe shop and chose a pair of shoes.  He tried them on and the assistant asks if they are comfortable.  “They are a bit tight”, said Blue.  “OK, try pulling the tongue out a little bit, is that any better?”, said the assistant.  Blue replied, “No they they thtill jutht ath tight” 

Actually, Blue had been having a big argument with Doctor Quack because he doesn’t believe he needs a pair of orthopaedic shoes.Quack finally persuades Blue to try them on.  “Is that any better”, asks Quack.  Blue replied,”Yes, I stand corrected”.

Must head off!!

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Another busy day.  I'm only firing on one cylinder today as I'm a bit tired   I woke up at 12.10, 1.40am & 4.30am.  By the time the alarm went off just before 6 I was ready for a decent nights sleep!  Need matchsticks now please!
         

My neighbour was buying his wife some lingerie for Christmas.  He asked the shop assistant "Are these satin?"
"No" she replied "They're brand new!"

What do you call a lady who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette!

Years ago I used to sell Filofaxes to the Mafia...
I was involved in very organised crime!

The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's plaster cast!

Leave you with a couple of silly jokes    Nearly lunchtime



sorry it's just taken me so long to finish my post you've posted in the meantime!

[Hobbit]

Where has my chubby little puppy gone?

You can uncross your fingers now, Pen, thank you.

Crikey Bonnie's grown like the clappers   She really isn't a puppy any longer!! Still as cute as a button Pleased the table & chairs have finally arrived   They're very smart but I was more impressed with the capacious wine rack

Off to lunch...

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Sorry to hear about your broken sleep.  It’s a situation I have learned to live with.  I’ve just come back from Bonnie’s mid night walk to the garden and the alarm will go at 4.30 because by that time it is daylight here and Bonnie’s day starts and in the interests of neighbourly harmony the day also starts for us.

Bonnie has grown so fast.  We called in at the vet to get her monthly tablets and she weighed in at 12.6 Kg (28 pounds or 2 stone to you).  We are happy with the dining set.  The wine cabinet came with us from Mittagong.

A quick few cartoons to get you through to the end of your shift.  I really  liked your last dad jokes and cartoons.


     

[Hobbit]

Bonnie has grown so fast.  We called in at the vet to get her monthly tablets and she weighed in at 12.6 Kg (28 pounds or 2 stone to you).

A quick few cartoons to get you through to the end of your shift.  I rally liked your last dad jokes and cartoons.

Your cartoons have certainly kept me going Jack - only half an hour to go
I can't believe Bonnie weights the same as about 14 bags of sugar Blimey no wonder you were winded & slightly wounded the other day when Dusty was using you as a trampoline!!

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

I hope you had a better night last night and you are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.


     

A Public Servant married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be possible, if you’ve been married ten times?

”Well,

• husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
• Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.
• Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
• Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
• Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the- art method.
• Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
• Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
• Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
• Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
• Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was……….. God, I miss him !!”
  

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”…

“Wonderful”, said the husband, “but why?”

“You’re with the Government. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed.”

   

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Another very busy day.  I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I am it's Friday tomorrow.  I feel rather knacked

A lady who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around midnight.
One night she decided to try not to disturb him. She undressed in the living room and, handbag over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom. She was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"For heavens sake woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

I bought a book entitled "How To Become An Origami Expert"...
So far I've made over a thousand paper snowballs!

         

Roll on lunchtime



I've done the same as yesterday!  I started my post a couple of hours ago & you've posted in the meantime.  A great post Jack & it cheered up a very manic morning

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,


Bonnie is back in bed

       

[Hobbit]

Your cartoons tickled me Jack   The only thing missing from the second picture at the bottom is a dishy man delivering me a nice strong cup of tea

       
Leave you with a couple of silly ones
One hour to go & counting,,,