More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Hobbit]

Talk about thick. I read that joke 3 times before I got it and then I laughed my head off.

Hi Jack

That makes two of us then because I did exactly the same thing   Perhaps we're more alike than we realise

I'm a bit random today - I don't seem to have a theme!

         

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

Lets hope my exit is more dignified than yours!

[les303]

Not as thick as me Pen, i've read it half a dozen times but i still don't get it.
To quote one of our famous infamous politicians ... Please explain.

[Hobbit]

Say "my round" with a Scottish accent Les
Night (or morning probably to you!)

[les303]

Got it, thanks Pen.

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Big Day, Short Post.



Blue walks into Chemist Shop: "I have extreme headaches, my gut cramps, I feel like I'm about to spew and my back hurts like hell. Do you have something?" –
Chemist:  "No, I feel fine."


Donald Trump is looking at himself in the mirror and he likes what he sees, “An inch more and I’d be king.”

The mirror coughs discreetly, “An inch less and you’re a queen.”

[Hobbit]

Big Day,

Hi Jack

Being of a somewhat nosy disposition I look forward to hearing what you've been up to

            

An artist tried to concentrate on his painting but the attraction he felt for his model soon became irresistible.  He threw down his palette,  took her in his arms & kissed her.
She pushed him away.  "Maybe your other models let you kiss them!" she cried.
"I've never kissed a model before" he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening "how many models have there been?"
"Four" he replied.  "A jug, two apples & a vase!"

Kylie, Blue's niece, posted on Facebook that Blue was in trouble yet again.
It was Halloween & there was a knock at the door.
He shouted to Sheila "Honey, there's a witch at the door, what shall I do?"
Sheila shouted back "Give her some sweets & tell her to go away!"
His Mother-in-Law hasn't spoken to him since.

Leave you with a couple of very silly jokes

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,


I learn something every day.  I find out you were of a somewhat nosey disposition.

Flower Day 1
Bonnie and Dusty at Wynnum
I wonder if these ice blocks taste nice

No big deals, Pen.  Just lots of little deals. I responded to a Facebook challenge to post 10 photos from our garden over 10 days.  We went to watch the cricket about 45 minutes' drive away.. Curbed Bonnies' efforts to belt Dusty up. Came home and slept through a hail storm until one particularly loud clap of thunder woke me up.  Corresponded with several family members and friends by text and email.  Took down the shade cloth from around the pool because the wind had broken some of the fixtures and it was flapping, sending Bonnie into loud barking and attempts to attack it.  The grass is growing like stink and I thought I should mow it but resisted the urge.  Had a couple of glasses of wine instead.  Barracked the Labor Party into winning the State Election.  Ignored the Rugby.

Asked Blue what he thought of Trump.   He replied, “He’s so full of shit, his eyes have turned brown". 

I suppose it was an ordinary day, not a big day after all.


Vale, Sir Sean

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Sounds like you had a good day to me - far from ordinary.  I decided to defrost the freezer as it was a struggle to open the drawers!  Bit like the Arctic   Thought I'd do a quick post while listening to drip drip drip!  I took the hairdryer to it so hopefully it wont take long.  We're going back into lockdown on Thursday

Great pictures!  The flowers are lovely but I have no idea what they are   I think a couple of glasses of wine sounds preferable to mowing the grass

         

A man grabs his wife's breasts & says "If we firm these up we can get rid of the bra!"
The wife then grabs his penis & says "If can firm this up we can get rid of the milkman!"

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. "Oh, Gladys," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"
"Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one in the boot."
 
Better finish the freezer before all the food starts to defrost!

[Dragonman]

A man and his wife were going to go to a Halloween party but his wife had a headache and took aspirin and went to bed, She said her husband should go alone as they had costumes and it was a shame to waste them. He reluctantly agreed saying it would not be fun without her.
After an hours sleep she woke up and the headache had gone so she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume looked like so she thought she would see what he was up to.  She arrived at the party to see him dancing with a woman and putting his hands everywhere. She sidled up to him and he switched his attention to her. She let him put his hands wherever he wanted to, after all she was his wife. They snuck away to a bedroom and he had his wicked way with her. She left before the unmasking and went home to bed.
A short time later her husband came home.
''How was the party? '' she asked


'' It was a bit dull without you '' he said '' so Jim, Bill, Jack and me went to his den and played poker, but the guy I lent my costume to said he had a great time!.''

[Ozzyjack]

The flowers are lovely but I have no idea what they are  

Hi Pen,

Neither did we, but my daughter identified them as Cordyline Rubra (aka Palm Lily).  How about these?

Flower Day 2
Flower Day 3





Blue comes home from the pub with his wobbly boots on. He staggers into the bedroom and wakes Sheila.

“Sheila, wake up! You’ll never believe this!” –

“What happened?” Sheila replies sleepily. –

“I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I didn’t have to do anything! I am getting telekinesis powers.  I’ll be more famous than Uri Geller!” –

Sheila groans, “Come on, Blue! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and pissed in the fridge again!”

Trivia for today: There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.

[Hobbit]

How about these?

They're gorgeous Jack.  I trust you did the hanging basket yourself & didn't buy it ready made

I have a lovely fuchsia in my garden.  Well it was lovely until it got battered by the rain & howling gales!  It is November so what did I expect?

         

Leave you with a little Ronnie Barker
'A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight.  The man playing the triangle disappeared.' 'The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.'

Roll on lunchtime

[Ozzyjack]

They're gorgeous Jack.  I trust you did the hanging basket yourself & didn't buy it ready made

You're pulling my leg, Pen.  Of course, we buy the baskets ready made but I put the potting mix in and June buys and arranges the flowers.

I do my bit, though.  I take the photos.

The recent hail has made a bit of a mess of some of the flowers the previous owners left us and we had to dig out the azalias and the yesterday, today, and tomorrow plants which although very beautiful are quite poisonous to dogs.

Speaking of pups, I have taken her outside to do her business and put her back to bed and now I am going to follow suit.

[Hobbit]

You're pulling my leg, Pen.  Of course, we buy the baskets ready made but I put the potting mix in and June buys and arranges the flowers.

 yesterday, today, and tomorrow plants

Sorry Jack I should have phrased that differently although I suspect you're pulling my leg   June did a very good job of planting the hanging basket

I had never heard of the yesterday, today and tomorrow plant so I looked on Ms Google.  It is a very beautiful plant & is also known as morning, noon & night & kiss me quick.

   

Home in about 20 minutes hurrah

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I'm here on fracture clinic & it's shaping up to be busy & it seems that everybody got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning

      

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

What do you call a dinosaur who crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!

One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany: 'Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well done.'

Hope your day has been considerably more enjoyable than mine is so far

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Flowers Day 4

I just finished my mid night duty although it is a bit after midnight.

I’m sorry to hear you are having a bad day. Mine has not been perfect.

Last night we had our first visit from an unwelcome guest.  We noticed Bonnie acting strangely and concentrating on a small object just off the patio.  It was a cane toad. I know I had been warned they would be here, but it reminded us to be more vigilant with Bonnie’s activities after dark.  Tonight we couldn’t help us checking regularly what she was up to.

I didn’t do to well on my betting on the Melbourne Cup and I was saddened by them having to put down one the horses after the race. 

When I went down to clean the filter on the pool I noticed that it wasn't working properly.  I am not a handyman and should have left it to the professionals but I decided to fix it myself.  That took a couple of hours out of my day.

I decided to improve my mood with a couple of Sav Blancs which improved my mood but left me short of a post by the time I tottered off to bed.

That is my excuse for this quickie.  Well, it's better than the dog ate it.