Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 296564 times)

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4905 on: October 17, 2020, 05:24:40 AM »
Hi Les

A heartwarming story &, regardless of age, it proves that you can never judge a book by it's cover.

As Jack is fond of saying many years ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth, my Dad kept a local village pub.  We had a regular customer who rode a motorbike.  He was a very typical "greaser".  A big tall chap with long hair, leather jacket the works - he really looked the part.  He was a smashing lad.  Friendly, polite & helpful.  He happened to come into the bank where I was working on the till one day & we chatted for a little while as I hadn't seen him for some time.  After he'd gone the lady in the queue behind him made some very derogatory remarks.  I was cross & asked her if she knew him.  When she said of course not I was happy to put a flea in her ear!

There's some pink plonk in the fridge with my name on it >:D

les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4906 on: October 17, 2020, 01:41:50 PM »
" to put a flea in her ear! "  - What a great old saying, have not heard it for ages.
I hope that you did give her a good serve as sounds like she really deserved it.

Ozzyjack

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Re:More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4907 on: October 18, 2020, 02:04:18 AM »
Hi Pen

I was so knackered that when I started to put this post together over four hours ago, I nodded off and have just surfaced.  So, all I’ve got is a couple of old pot boilers.



Blue’s 80-year-old mate, Randy went to Doctor Quack for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and Randy said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

Quack considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.’  Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked Quack.

Randy said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

Quack replied, "My point exactly."



On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

So while having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"

The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
 
A bit defeated and a bit petulantly Trump retries... "Then I want the USA to be called the Principality of the Americas!"

Queen Elizabeth rolls her eyes and says, "but Donald... you are not a Prince."

"A Monarchy?" Donald asks pleadingly, now rather dejected and a tear forming in his eye.

"Not a Monarch", the Queen snaps now more than a little exasperated...

"Then what can I call it?" Donald whines.

After a few moments the Queen replies with a straight face... "I think you should stick to calling it a Country".

 
 

« Last Edit: October 18, 2020, 02:27:19 AM by Ozzyjack »
/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4908 on: October 18, 2020, 03:55:29 AM »
Greetings Jack from a grey & rather chilly Bletchley.
I dozed off while reading my book & now feel a little sluggish.  No 1 daughter is sorting dinner so I have a little while to try & get my brain in gear!

Your jokes might have been old but they made us laugh :laugh:  & your cartoons tickled my funny bone!

My jokes got whiskers!  Full mutton chops >:D
There's a story set just after the second world war at Portsmouth dockyard. One day Ministry of Defence policeman [Mod plod] stopped a worker who was walking out of the dockyard gates pushing a wheelbarrow with a suspicious looking package in it. The Mod plod opened the package and found it contained nothing but some old bits of rubbish, sawdust and floor-sweepings. The next day he stopped the same worker who was again pushing a wheelbarrow containing a suspicious looking package. Once more it contained nothing of any value. The same thing happened several days on the trot, until the policeman finally said, 'OK, I give up. I know you are up to something, but I just can't tell what. Please, I promise not to arrest you, but put me out of my misery; tell me what you are stealing.' 'Wheelbarrows, 'smiled the worker, 'I'm stealing wheelbarrows.'

             

Grubs up & I've been instructed to move myself & my laptop from the table >:D


Sadly not much of that here at the moment :(

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4909 on: October 18, 2020, 10:31:00 PM »
Greetings, Pen, from a temperate 22oC Redland Bay. A nice breeze was making it very pleasant on the patio.

It looks like we both got caught napping yesterday.

    

If we can drop off so easily does it mean we don’t have ADHD/ADD?

    

or does it just mean we need our beauty sleep?

   


« Last Edit: October 18, 2020, 10:33:47 PM by Ozzyjack »
/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4910 on: October 19, 2020, 02:42:34 AM »
Quote
Greetings, Pen, from a temperate 22oC Redland Bay. A nice breeze was making it very pleasant on the patio.

Thanks so much for that Jack!!  Greetings back at you from a still grey & chilly Bletchley.  My car informed me that it was 11c this morning when I nipped out to the supermarket :(  I really must find out where the little degree symbol is on my laptop!

I've just been caught napping again :-Z  Not sure if it's the weather, the book I'm reading or just the thought of work tomorrow :laugh:

         

A lady was in court for shoplifting.  The judge said "What did you take?"  She replied "A tin of pears." 
"How many pears in the tin?" he asked.  "6" was the answer.  The judge then said "Ok,  I'm going to give you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson!" 
Her husband stood up & chipped in "She also took a large tin of peas!"


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4911 on: October 19, 2020, 06:29:07 AM »
I really must find out where the little degree symbol is on my laptop!

Pen, it is a lower case o.  Highlight it and use the "sup" button on bottom row of buttons straight above the "lips sealed" emoji.
/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4912 on: October 19, 2020, 07:34:30 PM »
Hi Pen,

I can sympathise with the “discontent of your winter” to mash up a line in Shakespeare's Richard the Turd.  I shouldn’t go on about the beautiful weather here because, if for no other reason, it will give Les a chance to say “I told you so”.

       

Blue has put his friend Richard on speed dial on his phone.  He calls it his “get Rich Quick” scheme”

Blue told me I had the body of a God.  I was flattered until he told me he was thinking of Buddha.

Sheila got an obscene phone call.
Hello’” said a voice”, “guess what I’m holding in my hand”.
"No, thanks,” said Sheila, “if you can hold it in one hand, it is of no use to me.”

I didn’t realise how good I must be on the phone until they told me my call with my Telco was being recorded for training purposes.


/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4913 on: October 19, 2020, 08:40:15 PM »
Thanks Jack!  My car said it was 8oc this morning ;D

While I was getting to grips with posting this morning's temperature you posted again.  My compliments on a fab post :)  Blue was especially on top form!

You can go on about your gorgeous weather as much as you like - as long as I'm free to moan about how dreadful ours is >:D  It'll get worse soon as we put the clocks back this weekend.  Means I'll be driving home in the dark :(

      

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he decided to take her along with him. "What would you like?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of beers. When they came, he drank his down in one go. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that tastes horrible! I don't know how you can drink this ghastly stuff night after night."
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda."
Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."
The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
And the guy says "He can't the chicken is a ventriloquist."

Clinic's getting busy & we're running out of seats in the waiting room.  Roll on lunchtime!


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4914 on: October 20, 2020, 10:43:25 AM »
My car said it was 8oC this morning ;D

Pen, we've been conversing for all this time and this is the first time you told me you have a car that can talk. >:D

I couldn't find any stories about talking cars. But I will make cars the theme for today.



Blue’s teenage grandson tells him,"Pop, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburettor." Blue looks confused and says, "Water in the carburettor, that's ridiculous!" But the boy insists. "I tell you; the car has water in the carburettor."
Blue, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburettor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"
"In the pool," replies the grandson.



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into Brisbane and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a parking cop writing out a ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town on the bus!



A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it there was a service station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough petrol to start the car and drive to the service station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only petrol can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with petrol, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!"


/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4915 on: October 20, 2020, 08:49:37 PM »
Hi Jack

My car is sadly not that smart :(  It doesn't talk to me or drive itself! Wish that it did!  Ford have invented a car that will parallel  park for you.  Now that definitely sounds like my sort of car >:D

Another excellent & very funny post.  You're cooking on gas at the moment :laugh:

            
I seem to have veered from cars to cowboys!

My boyfriend broke up with me when he found out I only have nine toes...
he was lack toes intolerant!

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course...
I'm really struggling to get out of it!

Leave you with a couple of silly Dad jokes ;D


Dragonman

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4916 on: October 21, 2020, 02:09:41 AM »
I'm having a bad day, first my wife got run over by a bus then I lost my job as a bus driver.


A man was speeding down a road when he spotted a police car behind him. He put his foot down but couldn't shake off the cop. He pulled over and the cop came to his car.
''Sir, you were speeding and when you saw me you tried to get away. Its the end of my shift so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before you can go free.''

The man thought for a second and replied '' Last year my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to bring her back.''

The cop laughed, put away his notebook and said ''Have a nice day''

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4917 on: October 21, 2020, 03:19:10 AM »
Very funny Gareth  :laugh:
Reminds me of Les Dawson & his Mother in Law jokes!

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4918 on: October 21, 2020, 11:47:25 AM »
This beats Nostradamus's predictions hands down in my opinion.  Please discuss.

Quote from:  H. L. Mencken in the Baltimore Evening Sun, 26 July 1920.
“As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and a complete narcissistic moron.”
« Last Edit: October 21, 2020, 05:36:03 PM by Ozzyjack »
/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4919 on: October 21, 2020, 05:33:36 PM »
Another excellent & very funny post.  You're cooking on gas at the moment:laugh:

Hi Pen,

This brought home to me that my posts have become increasingly more basic since we began the move. We have mentioned before that sometimes good material falls into your lap and, other times you can search for hours for material that is suitable and of a standard worth posting and, come up with Sweet Fanny Adams. I no longer have the time or the energy to spend hours searching. We have also mentioned how hard it is to find material we have not used before. I was lucky yesterday.  I found a good source for car stories and I had a bit more discretionary time.

I had a few items which didn’t make it in to the last post.  So, I will continue the car theme.



Yesterday, Blue had a flat tire driving on the M1. So he eased his car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot.  He took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of his car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

To Blue’s surprise, cars started slowing down to look at the lifelike mends. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It was not long before a Highway Patrol copper pulled up.  He got out of his car and walked towards Blue who could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"The car has a flat tire," Blue said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

Blue could not believe that he didn't know. So, he told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"


Blue’s young nephew, Cranky, applied for a position as mechanic at “We fix your bomb” garage. It just so happened that a young woman had walked in that day also looking for a job. There was only one position to be filled, and since both applicants seemed to have the same qualifications, Blue’s boss, Ray, asked them both to take a written test.

Upon completion of the test, both only missed one of the questions. Ray went to Cranky and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the young lady."

Cranky asked, "Why? We both got nine questions correct. Since my uncle Crusty works here, I should get the job!"

Ray said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, which suspiciously were nearly identical, but rather on the question that you missed."

Cranky then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Ray replied, "Simple, the young woman put down for question #4, 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"



When they were young, Blue and four of his mates toured Europe.  The five of them hired an Audi Quattro and arrived at the Italian border.(remember this was 50 years ago)

The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked Blue.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," Blue retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

Blue replied angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."



/b] Cheers, Jack


“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”― Ricky Gervais