Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 266837 times)

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3645 on: March 17, 2020, 02:01:56 AM »
Hi Pen,

Here is a quick inter-sleep contribution.

Blue had a mate whose name was Shifty.  Shifty was a lawyer, so Blue hired him when he was being sued for a large sum of money by Ima Sharpy, a Bowral businessman.

Blue said to Shifty, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."  "It's in the judge's hands now," replied Shifty.

Blue asked, "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"  Shifty replied, "Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

The outcome of the case was the judge rendered a decision in favour of Blue.  As Blue left the courthouse, he said to Shifty, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said Shifty, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said Shifty.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed Ima Sharpy’s business card."
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3646 on: March 17, 2020, 06:57:00 AM »
That tickled me Jack :laugh:  Cheered me up as I had a bit of a day of it :(  Just popped down to my local Sainsburys to get a couple of bits.  No pasta, hardly any tins of tomatoes & not an egg to be seen anywhere.  I despair >:(
Anyway, tomorrow's another day :)
Pen

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3647 on: March 17, 2020, 08:12:15 AM »
Hi Pen,

Another quickie before I go off to the gym because I will probably be tied up with tradesmen and agents later today.

       

All organised St Pat's Functions have been cancelled here.  I suppose it is the same with you.

Blue is not a Mick himself but he does have an Irish mate called Pat.

Pat walked into the Bowral welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

Pat, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."



« Last Edit: March 17, 2020, 08:15:06 AM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3648 on: March 17, 2020, 09:42:07 PM »
Hi Jack

Totally forgot it was St Paddy's Day today!  Loved your cartoons & jokes :laugh:

I wonder if you can guess which of your comments inspired my cartoons >:D
       

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley, proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled.

"I gave you a sham rock."




« Last Edit: March 17, 2020, 09:44:25 PM by Hobbit »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3649 on: March 18, 2020, 09:16:17 PM »
Hi Pen.

I liked yourShades of Grey theme but tonight I am in complete empathy with your old English Oak.  I am well and truly rooted.

I had a hard session in the gym this morning followed by a testing game of golf.

I was going to leave it at that but Blue popped over to tell me a few stories about his dad which I will pass on to you.


Wazza went with a group of Bowral senior citizens on a tour of the Bega Valley.  Did you know they make the best cheese in Australia in the Bega Valley?  

As the group stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used in their process.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "Where you come from, what do you do with your old goats?"

Wazza answered, "They send us on bus tours."


Wazza went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.

You’re in excellent shape for a 92-year-old man,” he said. “But I’m afraid I can’t make you any younger.

“Who asked you to make me younger?” Wazza replied. “You just make sure I keep getting older!”

I've got another game early tomorrow and so I'lll just say









« Last Edit: March 18, 2020, 09:18:15 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3650 on: March 19, 2020, 02:02:41 AM »
Hi Jack

I enjoyed your jokes.  Blue's obviously a real chip off the old block :laugh:

         


I understand that Blue has a distant cousin called Kylie.  Kylie needed to complete her tax return so she visited an accountant in Wollongong.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

(hope you don't mind my borrowing Blue for a minute :laugh:)


Enjoy your golf :)

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3651 on: March 19, 2020, 09:25:37 PM »
Hi Pen,

Golf was better today.  I was runner up in the Hacker's Division.  We played on Gibraltar GC which is a it of a goat track at the moment.

After two days gym and one tomorrow morning and two golf games, I am a bit knacked tonight.



Blue told me he and Sheila were having marital problems and asked if I could give him some advice.  I said he should see a professional Marriage Counsellor as I was only an amateur.  Blue reminded me that amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

OK”, I said"Try This.  When you get home, as soon as you are through the front door, go to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her."

Blue said, “I dunno, I’ve never tried anything like that before.

I replied, “Don’t be afraid to try something new. Let me know tomorrow whether it worked.

OK, I’ll give it a go”, said Blue.

Next day he was back having a beer with me when I asked, "How did it go?"  

Blue said, "Sheila didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a hell of a kick out of it."


   



P.S.  I'm glad you caught up with Kylie.  She's Blue's favourite relative but he won't admit this to Sheila.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2020, 09:32:31 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3652 on: March 19, 2020, 10:28:06 PM »
Hi Jack

Considering you're a bit knacked your post was excellent.  The Blue story made me laugh out loud - loved it :laugh:  Pleased the golf went a bit better & you were runner up :)   Not quite sure what a goat track is - is it a bit rough & dried out?

       

Thought you might like a little Ronnie Corbett...

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.

We'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.

This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.

Nearly lunchtime :-H

« Last Edit: March 19, 2020, 10:33:29 PM by Hobbit »

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3653 on: March 19, 2020, 10:36:05 PM »
Quote
Thought you might like a little Ronnie Corbett...

I inadvertently made a pun >:D :laugh:

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3654 on: March 20, 2020, 01:03:21 AM »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3655 on: March 20, 2020, 06:17:41 AM »
Thanks Jack.  I found the article interesting & learnt something new today :)


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3656 on: March 20, 2020, 09:19:49 PM »
Hi Pen,

I did jump the gun a bit on Saturday the other day.  I must be losing it. Perhaps I need to see a doctor.


   


Blue will never live down the conversation he had with his doctor, Ima Quack, when he and Sheila were having their first child.

Blue speaking frantically into the phone, “Sheila is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” Dr Quack asks.

“No, you idiot!” Blue shouts. “This is her husband!”


Dr Quack is a bit of a practical joker

Doctor Quack: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Blue: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor Quack: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Blue: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor Quack: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.


Dr Quack charges like a wounded bull.  After Blue had been badly injured in a car accident, he told me Dr Quack said he would have him on his feet in two weeks.

“And did he?”, I said

“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”


But Wazza, who is a bit hard of hearing at 92, takes the cake. He went to Dr Quack to get a physical.

A few days later, Dr Quack saw Wazza walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The doctor spoke to Wazza and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Wazza replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

Dr Quack said: "I didn't say that. I said, you’ve got a heart murmur - be careful."



« Last Edit: March 21, 2020, 12:26:15 AM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3657 on: March 21, 2020, 06:59:05 AM »
Hi Jack

I've had a very busy day & am totally knacked so my post is like me tonight!  Very short & possibly not so sweet >:D :laugh:
Your post, on the other hand, was very enjoyable :)  Blue's a nincompoop (what a great word!) & I love his stories :laugh:

     

Work tomorrow :(  But then I have a whole lovely week off :-)


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3658 on: March 21, 2020, 04:43:33 PM »
I've had a very busy day & am totally knacked so my post is like me tonight!  Very short & possibly not so sweet >:D :laugh:

Hi Pen,

After the week I have had, I think I have deserved to have a relaxing Saturday, so nothing too mind-stretching today.

I've been thinking about your statement that the characteristics of your posts reflect your disposition.  Now I can see how you can control how sweet they are but how are you going to make them anything but short?   >:D ;D

You know it’s a pity you are not a psychic.  If you were and you were arrested and escaped from goal, the headline in the Sun could read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

     

You’ve probably guessed that Blue is a big strong man who isn’t afraid to have a drink on the odd occasion. This was one of those occasions.  Blue got into a bit of a barney in the Bowral Scottish Arms..

When Constable Plod, nicknamed ’Cautious”, turned up to sort it out, Blue boasted that he could whip Cautious and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World” one at a time or both together."

Cautious Said, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

Blue enthusiastically agreed.

"If I had some chains," Cautious continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, Blue puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," Blue growled.

"Are you sure?" Cautious asked.

Blue tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said Cautious, "you're under arrest."


When they got to the police station, Blue demanded to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"Not on yer life. You'll get your chance to get even in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" insisted Blue. "All I want to know how he got into the house without waking Sheila. I've been trying to do that for years!"



The puzzle for today is the name in English of the world's longest novel, according to Guinness World Records.

11 2 6 4

The bonus points are for the Author and the title in the original language.



of

In the first picture, you are only interested in the title of the day.




« Last Edit: March 21, 2020, 04:52:33 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #3659 on: March 22, 2020, 01:12:03 AM »
Hi Jack

I hope you enjoyed a lovely lazy relaxing Saturday :)  Well deserved in my opinion.  I'm at work &, as expected, it's not that busy.  I've done all my little jobs & chores & it's almost lunchtime :-H  I still have 3 or 4 hours so hopefully I can come up with a fairly tricky little puzzle for you!

I always love Blue's escapades but your small medium at large really tickled me :laugh:

I had heard of the title of the book in your puzzle but didn't have the foggiest idea who wrote it so had to consult Dr Google.  He informs me that it was Proust.   On that basis would I be correct in assuming it was originally written in French? :)

My puzzle sort of continues the French theme

It's a novel.  6 words. 3, 4, 2, 3, 4, 1'2.  It's part of a trilogy.  For your bonus points please name the author & the other 2 books in the series :)
The

I'll leave you with a small random selection & a silly joke :laugh:
         

A man was at the front of his house trimming his hedge when the postman walks past.
He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.
"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"
"Ha ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, except one!" replies the postman before carrying on his journey.
Baffled and amazed by the postman's exploits, the man heads back inside to discuss it with his wife.
"Can you believe our postman has been with every woman on this street except one?!"
She turns to him and says "I bet it's that snobby cow Sheila across the road"

   
Penx