G'day Jack
Hope you've had a better day than I'm having!
This is me
Hope things will improve after lunch
A couple of silly jokes for you.
A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a very handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't the chicken is a ventriloquist."
There were these two strings walking down the road when they came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers.
First string: "Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers?"
Bar tender: "Sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem. The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of this." So the second string stood up, frazzled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar.. Second string: "Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers?"
Bar tender:"Hey, aren't you a string?"
Second string: "I'm a frayed knot" ... they got the beers...
I'll leave you with a couple of grumpy old ladies
Pen