More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Rose,

OzzymAndias is my son.

We don’t give each other the answers but we do share information on how many words we have with each starting letter and when we get close we share the number of others who have each word that we have got.  This does help a lot in focussing the mind on the areas to concentrate on.  Les would not have approved.

You might have noticed over time that June is much better at the games than me.  Although Andrew is not a regular player, so is he.  I was lucky tonight.  They were ahead - June with only one to go - when they stopped playing to cook me a special dinner.  I fluked the final 3 words while they were otherwise occupied and so I got in first.  This is a very rare occurrence but quite appropriate given what the day is.

Good to hear from you, Rose.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

It sounds as if you've had a fantastic Father's Day

I'm afraid I have a small confession regarding the Aunty Acid cartoon & her "ass bowl".  I didn't actually read it properly   I have no idea what it is either.  I just assumed the joke was that the bowl was red hot & the food not so.  Whoops! Sorry

I hope your Signet single malt lived up to it's description.  It sounds amazing.  Perhaps you'll give a review in your next post. As Carol rightly says the sun is definitely over the yard arm somewhere in the world   Perfect.

Like you I love the jokes with a play on words.  Finding them isn't always easy.  I found that one by accident!

Loved your sign off - especially the toast

I must
the

Actually I'm just popping round to my neighbour!  Shanks's Pony
Penx

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

It was a great Fathers day. I was particularly happy with my Single Malt present. I will be frugal with my use of it because I want it to last for extra special occasions.   I have two half-bottles left of my birthday presents for special occasions and I make sure I have a bottle of Nectar d’Or on hand for medicinal purposes.  

I don’t have enough knowledge and whisky vocabulary to do a good review, Pen, so I will use excerpts from a review that I agree with. 

Appearance: Strong, oily legs clinging to the side of the glass. Noticeably darker in hue than other Glenmorangie releases. Dark almond and mahogany hues.

Nose: Soft and lightly floral (hibiscus) initially, soon opening up to release dark cocoa and spiced plum. The layers unfold slowly and intriguingly. One moment lemon meringue transitions into key lime before bread pudding followed by leather and tobacco leaves. Sweet, fruity, and finessed. No rough patches to be found whatsoever.

Palate: Full, round, and somewhat oily mouthfeel not unlike very well-crafted rum. Finessed: Classy presentation. Subtly sweet with notes of dark cocoa, tobacco, a hint of honey-roasted cashew at one point, orange zest, brown sugar, and a never-ending parade of baked goods with a variety of citrus icings. Again, no rough patches at all.

The transition into the finish is exquisite; there is a full-bodied burn that warms like the most stubborn coals of a dying bonfire while avoiding any hint of brassiness.

Did you know there’s a Pythagoras Day? It doesn’t occur every year. Last one was on 15/8/17 (15²+8²  = 17²). Next will occur on 16/12/20 (16² + 12² = 20²). Start planning the celebrations now!

I won’t guarantee we have not used these Auntie Acids before, but I don’t think so:

        

   

I was always taught to respect my elders, Pen, but it keeps getting increasingly hard to find one.  But as you age you learn things and I’ve learnt something about you Brits.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

I liked your sign-off.  I recognised Jack so I didn’t need to resort to google,

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack


Work's quite busy this morning.  I'm obviously not going to be eased back into it gently

Pleased you had a great Fathers Day.  The review of the whisky did make me smile & made me feel quite hungry

I loved the Aunty Acid.  No repeats & very funny   Thought I'd use another grumpy lady
    

Loved your sign off.  Especially the cockatoo

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

A flying visit before I exercise my little grey cell!
 


Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point where his feet became very thick & hard.  He was a very spiritual person.  Even when he was not on hunger strike he didn't eat very much so he became very thin & frail.  Because of his diet he ended up with very bad breath.  He became known as
Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Best I could do as I'm a bit tired this evening

hope you & the chooks are snoring peacefully
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Tinker Bell,

You’ve excelled yourself with those puns. They didn’t warrant an apology. Tsk!

I didn’t sleep very well.  I’ve caught your cold.  I knew you can get viruses over the internet, but I didn’t know that extended to common cold viruses.   I’ve cancelled my gym appointments for the rest of the week, so I don’t spread my germs as quite a few of the clientele are elderly or frail or both.

These are a bit out of date.

   

A poorly dressed young man goes into a bank.  He can see from her nameplate that the Teller’s name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the young Man in disbelief and asks his name.  The young Man says his name is  Lucas Jagger but everybody knows him as “the dog”, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.  

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.  The young Man says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.  

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  
She finds the manager and says, "There's a young Man called Lucas “the dog” Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.".  She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give “the dog” a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? I know you are........)

I’ve gotta    

[Hobbit]

G'day Jack


that my germs have managed to travel several thousands of miles to you   Sounds like a perfect excuse for a small tipple as it's a well known fact that the alcohol drowns all the germs

I liked your cartoons - especially the Queenie one.  The joke was funny - I'm surprised that I've not come across it before!

         

I'm still puzzling over your sign off!  I thought the golfer was Faldo but that doesn't really make sense

Hope this tickles you
(& I hope I haven't used it before )

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims, 'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!'
The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into, 'Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it.'
This continues with the next patient, 'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!'
'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.'
'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor replied, 'this is the serious Burns unit.' 

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

What a great post.  Just what I needed. I loved the burns unit and the cartoons.

You’re right about the tipple.  The Nectar D’Or got a bit of a work out last night.

I just woke up and thought I’d put you out of your misery about the sign-off. I don’t have to get out from under the doona to do that and I feel like a goon after reading your post.

Now I’ve gotta Nick cough.  Say it quickly.  I thought it was and is appropriate to my condition.

P.S.  I’ve just read Mike’s post and Alan’s 2010 one on Plurals. It occurred to me that if Les had read that he might not have started this thread which was originally just entitled “Bloody Plurals”.

[Hobbit]

Thank you kind Sir
I get your sign off now you've explained it.
I really hope your cold disperses quicker than mine.  I'm still struggling nearly 2 weeks on.  1 more antibiotic to take in the morning.  I'm lucky enough never to have had a chest infection before & can't believe how it knocked the stuffing out of me.  Still coughing a bit.  I've got to get completely better by Saturday....
I'm extremely pleased & very happy that Les did start this thread


See you tomorrow

[Ozzyjack]

Reporting in


Well you certainly are not lacking for excitement at the moment.

   

U2 Concert - A True Story

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in silence he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"
A voice from near the front pierces the silence,
"Well, stop @##%%  doing it then!"

An Aussie went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So, what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail," he replied.
"What?!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that chick on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle."

This story works better if you imagine Italo-American accents

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.  Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly! “In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.  “Who talkin' abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’

[Hobbit]

JACK

We seem to have more excitement than you can shake a stick at.  The Test Match started well from our point of view with 2 quick wickets but your mob have batted well since & have 98 on the board.  I am sick to my back teeth of all politicians & brexit.  If I had the wherewithal I'd emigrate to a nice desert island somewhere.  Though after what's happened to the poor folks in The Bahamas I think I'll steer clear of the Caribbean.

Your jokes were excellent   I loved the Bono story!

     

A couple of funny newspaper snippets

From The Guardian Newspaper

Concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Daily Telegraph

A piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':
' ... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'

From The Derby Abbey Community News:

'We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.'

going to assume the position of professional receptionist


We seem to have rain in Manchester

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

You probably gathered that yesterday I was a bit short of inspiration and probably would have been again today if your post had not inspired me.  Your cartoons were great, but it was your idea of using snippets from newspapers that has given me a theme with so much material I will have to spread it out over several days.

“Single black female seeks male companionship. I’m a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in pickup trucks, hunting, fishing, camping and cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door waiting for you when you get home at night wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours.”

More than 15,000 men responded by calling the provided number and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an eight-week old black Labrador puppy.

“Drunk gets nine months in violin case.” (I wonder if it had windows...?)

“Red tape holds up bridge.” (London Bridge, by any chance?) “

Man struck by lightning faces battery charge.” (Shocking.) “

Kids make nutritious snacks.” (They taste like chicken.) “

Hospital sued by seven foot doctors.” (Probably taken to the highest court in the land.)

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I'm a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $100.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.  What do you think?

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Tomorrow, I’ll give you some she did answer.

   
 

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen

I am still in the grips of the dreaded lurgy but thanks to Cold and Flu Tablets and a modicum of liquid medication I remain cheerful.

Here is the next instalment from the newspapers:

      

         


Dear Abby: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?

Response: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it


Dear Abby: About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son” — or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighbourhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there! … Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighbourhood?

Response: You could move.


Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions?

Response.: Yes. Run for a public office.


Dear Abby: My wife sleeps in the raw. Then she showers, brushes her teeth and fixes our breakfast — still in the buff. We’re newlyweds and there are just the two of us, so I suppose there’s really nothing wrong with it. What do you think?

Response: It’s O.K. with me. But tell her to put on an apron when she’s frying bacon.


Dear Abby: My boyfriend is going to be 20 years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?

Response: “Never mind what he'd like, give him a tie.”


Dear Abby: My husband lost his wallet. It was mailed back and i found it stuffed with snapshots of other women. I confronted him with this evidence and he said, as a true Southern gentleman, he refused to muddy the names of the ladies in the pictures. What can I do with this Alabama Skunk?

Response: Cut off his hominy grits.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I got halfway through packing my case ready for tomorrow & got a bit bored so decided to check in!  Very glad I did! My compliments on 2 very excellent & funny posts Don't know where you found the "Dear Abby" but they're hilarious Still puzzling your sign off.  Not sure where the palace is   Sorry you're still struggling with the dreaded lurgy :'(  It's not much fun is it?  Thankfully I am finally on the mend but it's been over 2 weeks now.  Want to be in tip top shape for my holibob

The cricket's not brilliant from our point of view but at least my man Root & Burns seem to have stopped the rot for the moment.  Hope I don't speak to soon

         

Person with Funny Name Commits 50 Offences

Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences.
Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address.
They have now discovered the embarrassing truth. Will and Guy's friend, Kinga Sadkowska, from Sopot, Poland, has told us that "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving licence" and is printed on all Polish licences.
We are delighted to be able to report this hilarious story.

Better get back to my packing...

[Ozzyjack]

Hi ya Petit Pois,

Just woke up, had a look at the cricket and I couldn’t see those blokes you mentioned. 

Just realised you may not be there by the time I post later today, so I thought I would send a quickie. I can do that without getting out of bed.  Here is the last of Abby that I have saved (without the usual editing):

Dear Abby: Do you think a mother should take her 14-year-old son to get a tattoo or do you think he is old enough to go alone? Please answer before Saturday. This is important.

Response: If the boy is old enough to get a tattoo — he is old enough to go alone. In this case, he is neither.


Dear Abby: My husband has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me. I asked my husband if I was drowning and his mother was drowning which one would he save? He said “My mother because I owe her more.” I am so terribly hurt, Abby. What shall I do?

Response:: Learn to swim.


Dear Abby: My boyfriend took me out for my twenty-first birthday and wanted to show me a very special good time. I usually don’t go in much for drinking, but since it was an occasion to celebrate, I had three Martinis. During the dinner we split a bottle of champagne. After dinner we each had two brandies. Did I do wrong?

Response: Probably.


Dear Abby: I am 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

Response: So would I.


Remember to take a notebook with you. At the end of each day or when you get a quiet moment, record the highlights, impressions or funny bits.  Not only will you be better able to entertain us when you get back, you will be surprised how often in the future you reread it to remember a detail or just to remind yourself how much you enjoyed your trip.

I’m outa here, Belvedere.


Have a great time!!