Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 814156 times)

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2730 on: August 17, 2019, 02:17:08 AM »
Hi Jack

It's raining very persistently here & at Lords.  The Aussies are 80 for 4 as we speak.  I don't think there'll be any further play today & I'm not going to get out for a stroll any time soon :-R  I knocked up a shepherds pie earlier which looks & smells delish :)

I didn't realise you got The Last Leg so my clip was a bit surplus to requirements!

   

Here's a very silly joke for you!
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
 The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
 Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man,
 ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?''
 The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Hope your horses do well :)


Still raining so off to the kitchen!




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a non-amos

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2731 on: August 17, 2019, 01:38:07 PM »
So . . . at my lovely bride's workplace they bought too much food for a meeting.  Everyone went home with a sizeable fruit bowl.  Some of the culinary people made some comments regarding what I might do with it.  Yes, they have been on the Food Channel and all of that.  They also like my cooking.

I'm thinking about a mixed fruit upside-down-cake.  The mixed fruit might not have the tartness of pineapple, so I might have to add some lemon zest.  Might work.  Play with your food.
Carpe digitus.
(Roughly translated, this is possibly the world's oldest "pull my finger" joke)

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2732 on: August 17, 2019, 05:17:52 PM »
Hi Pen,

When I took a quick peek at your macaroons at 4 am, they looked so good I almost got up and had an early breakfast.

I enjoyed The last leg clip because it was 3 years since I had seen it as part of the whole show and some things are worth revisiting .

I am told this Ronnie Barker skit was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Apparently Ronnie Barker said all this without a snigger.  It is not recorded how many takes it took to perfect it. The irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read it.

Quote from: Ronnie Barker
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and  shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had  lifted,  he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome  hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.  Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!


I tried to find it on YouTube but was unsuccessful.   However, I did find a woman performing it

Rindercella (audio only)

But I couldn’t leave you without a “Ronnie”

This is Barker on spoonerisms


                   



Regards, Jack

Valerie

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2733 on: August 17, 2019, 06:35:03 PM »
Good Heavens!  I've just noticed that there are 183 pages of this thread.  More recently between Jack and Penny with a few odds and sods thrown in.  I wonder if the originator ever sneaks in to see the havoc he created!
 >:D
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Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2734 on: August 17, 2019, 11:37:58 PM »
I've wondered that! I doubt it somehow.  Jack & I enjoy our bit of banter :laugh:
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Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2735 on: August 17, 2019, 11:59:53 PM »
G'day Jack

A flying visit as No1 Daughter is here for lunch & staying til later.  It tickled her when I told her that in the last week or so we've had astronomer, cloudless & observing!  Perhaps Alan organised them like that especially for her :laugh:

Your post was A1 excellent :)  11/10!  I loved the Rindercella but struggled to read it without laughing my head off


      

See you soon
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Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2736 on: August 18, 2019, 08:49:35 AM »
Hi Val,

I think of Les from time to time.  I often wonder whether he was a confected character presented for his own amusement or whether he was a real person suffering from problems which for some reason he felt he could no longer continue on the forum.  It is a complete mystery to me.  Whichever, it was, we do miss him. I preferred to think of him as a real person and as a friend  even though sometimes he used to annoy the Sh..er dickens out of me.  I guess we will never know.  It is perfectly possible, and highly likely,  that Les follows us as a guest and plays the games as anon.  I would be interested if anyone has any views.

Pen and I considered moving our conversations to another thread but decided against it.  The thread was well established and had become a community even if most of the readers made up a mostly silent majority.  Our conversation is not only for our benefit as we hope it gives others a smile or two - otherwise we could just send each other private messages.  We get real pleasure when others muck in.

So don't be a stranger because I always enjoy your posts.
Regards, Jack

Valerie

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2737 on: August 18, 2019, 11:25:21 AM »
Yes, indeed, Jack, he was quite an enigma.  I like this thread.  It lifts my spirits.  Especially the jokes and the banter between you and Pen.  Keep up the good work.  Although I do feel like an intruder when I butt in every now and again.  I'll try and rid myself of that feeling in future.  Stay tooned!
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Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2738 on: August 18, 2019, 04:29:22 PM »
Hi Pen,

I spent too much time watching the cricket last night.  Even as a non-cricket aficionado (or should that be a cricket non-aficionado), I found it riveting.

My effort on the ponies yesterday was ordinary.  2 winners,1 place and the other 3 didn’t feature.  As the ones that payed were favourites, I only got $85 back from $120. So I won’t have to do it again for at least 6 weeks.

My theme today is Australian Icons – Vegemite and Cattle Dogs.

I am betting you don't take the London Daily Mail so you might not have seen the ads in a piece from the SMH yesterday

Quote from: Peter FitzSimons
Spread the Word

It is so rare when major companies manage to master genuine humour in their marketing campaigns that, when it happens, it is worth recording it. It began with our own Vegemite taking out a full-page ad in the London Daily Mirror at the conclusion of the First Test:

G’day,” the script ran, “news has reached down under that free jars of Marmite are being handed out at the Ashes to try to prove it tastes better than our Vegemite. Are you guys barmy? Of course, the refined English palate will prefer yours. You see, Vegemite is a far stronger taste, made of resilience and fortitude with a dash of cunning and guile. Vegemite tastes like back to back tons on your return Test. Vegemite tastes like a come from behind victory by 251 runs. You lot won’t like the taste of Vegemite. Because Vegemite tastes like Australia. Catch ya at Lord’s.

Marmite soon responded:

Dear Vegemite, we might not taste like Australia, but love it or hate it, we won’t be tampering with it: See you at the home of cricket. #MarmyArmy.”

I am calling it. Marmite has a narrow lead after the first innings. Vegemite next to bat.


Quote
A BLUE CATTLE DOG STORY

Scott Morrison, Australian Prime Minister, called Michaelia Cash, Minister for Employment, Skills, Small and Family Business, into his office one day and said "Michaelia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Michaelia.

"Well", said Morrison, "we get ourselves one of those Driza-Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush and we can tell them 'If you have a go, you get a go' and that 'we’ve Taken Australia back into the black'.

"Right, that’ll show them we meant our election promises" said Michaelia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.  "G'day mate", said Morrison to the bartender, "two halves of your best beer".  He’d heard someone say that in London.

"Good afternoon, Cobbers", said the bartender, "two middies of VB coming up".

Cash and Morrison stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again and sprouting slogans to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Morrison and Cash could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Morrison, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"

         

If I'm going to watch a bit of cricket tonight, I need a poppy nap now. :-Z


 
Regards, Jack

Valerie

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2739 on: August 18, 2019, 05:11:30 PM »
Speaking of vegemite, Jack, you may have heard Alexander Downer, our former High Commissioner to the UK and lover of fishnet stockings, recently describe Boris Johnson as a "Vegemite Politician".  In other words, you either love him or hate him.

Your cattle dog story was a real cracker.   
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anona

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2740 on: August 18, 2019, 08:32:49 PM »
Speaking further of vegemite, the only vegetable elements I've seen listed as ingredients are onion and celery flavourings. Yet the aftertaste for me is like a faint smell of overcooked cabbage. Or perhaps broccoli. Does anyone know which vegetable flavourings are actually used?

If anyone in Britain is interested, and they use Ocado: Ocado is flogging it off at half price for a few weeks.

Valerie

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2741 on: August 18, 2019, 09:29:14 PM »
Hi Anona, as far as I know, Vegemite is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract (a by-product of beer manufacture) and various vegetable and spice additives.  The vegetable additives are not stipulated although there is a malt extract from barley.  Perhaps the umami-type aroma/flavour of Vegemite reminds you of Chinese cabbage, spinach, celery, etc)?  Did you know that the US used to prohibit the import of Vegemite because it contains too much B12?  Being an honest person, I once declared my small jar of Vegemite (Marmite is not the same to me) when I entered Scotland on holiday several years ago.  The customs official at Glasgow airport knowingly eyed me with suspicion.  "Aye, you Ozzies, you're all the same, trying to get away with murrrrrder".  Summoning another official he ordered that I be arrested forthwith.  It was hilarious!
« Last Edit: August 18, 2019, 09:45:34 PM by Valerie »
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Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2742 on: August 18, 2019, 11:33:02 PM »
G'day Jack

It's happened again :o  got right to the bottom of my post & it said an error has occurred :'(  Didn't follow your advice so have to start again :(  Not sure I can remember what I put now :-R

The cricket is very exciting.  I think you are a cricket non-aficionado >:D  who knows you might end of as a convert :laugh:

Sorry your gee gees didn't perform very well.  At least you have a six week breather before you have to repeat the exercise :)

I loved the cattle dog story but the vegemite/marmite story was brilliant :)  Do hope it's true!

Funny cricketing one liners
Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111. - John Snagge, BBC News

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter, 3UZ

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980
 
 At the royal wedding in 1981 Johnners was commentating on BBC radio outside St. Pauls cathedral. 'Yes I can see the happy couple now making their way down the steps of the pavilion'

'The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Benaud

 That tough cricketer Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight up in the air and the batsman was caught at slip. "My God," said a worried fielder going up to check on Close. "What would have happened if he'd hit you right between the eyes?" "In that case," growled Close, "the bugger would have been caught at cover."

 Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.- BrianJohnston, BBC Radio

 If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short.- Bob Massie, ABC Radio

As Cullinan was heading out to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
Cullinan replied.”Looks like you spent it eating,”

   

If I can tear myself away from the cricket for half an hour going for a stroll & going to sign off before it vanishes again!


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Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2743 on: August 18, 2019, 11:37:10 PM »
Quote
   Did you know that the US used to prohibit the import of Vegemite because it contains too much B12?  Being an honest person, I once declared my small jar of Vegemite (Marmite is not the same to me) when I entered Scotland on holiday several years ago.  The customs official at Glasgow airport knowingly eyed me with suspicion.  "Aye, you Ozzies, you're all the same, trying to get away with murrrrrder".  Summoning another official he ordered that I be arrested forthwith.  It was hilarious!

Love it :laugh:
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Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #2744 on: August 19, 2019, 01:26:10 AM »
Hi Anona, Pen and Val,

A quickie before I head back to bed.

When I woke I checked on the cricket.  If I allowed it to affect my mood, I would be quite grumpy.  266 to get and Smith has delayed concussion and won’t be available.

I won’t be watching as I have a group of 6 coming up from Brighton Lakes to play golf at 8.30.  The temperature is predicted to be less than 5oC feeling like less than zero.  Could be a miserable day all round.

Vegemite vs Marmite.  The story is true, Pen.  I’ve googled the London Daily Mail and seen both advertisements.  O ye of little faith  :D.

I can’t comment on the taste.  I am an addict and have never tried to analyse why I find the taste so great.

I came across some conflicting articles whether it was banned in America.  I don’t always believe Wikipedia but this is their take.

Quote
Vegemite is salty, slightly bitter, malty, and rich in glutamates – giving it an umami flavour similar to beef bouillon. It is vegan, kosher, and halal. ….

Vegemite is one of the richest sources of B vitamins, specifically thiamine, riboflavin, niacin and folate (B1, B2, B3 & B9, respectively). Unlike Marmite and some other yeast extracts, the base version contains no vitamin B12 although both B6 and vitamin B12 are added to the low-salt formulation.

In October 2006, an Australian news company reported that Vegemite had been banned in the United States, and that the United States Customs Service had gone so far as to search Australians entering the country for Vegemite because it naturally contains folate, a B vitamin approved as an additive in the United States for just a few foods, including breakfast cereals. The story appears to have originated as an anecdote by a traveller who claimed to have been searched by U.S. Customs and a spokesperson for Kraft made a misinformed comment to reporters. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration later stated that there were no plans to subject Vegemite to an import ban, or withdraw it from supermarket shelves. The United States Customs and Border Protection tried to dispel the rumour, stating on its website that "there is no known prohibition on the importation of Vegemite" and "there is no official policy within CBP targeting Vegemite for interception". The story of the "ban" later took on the status of urban legend. While Vegemite has never been popular in the US, it can still be purchased at supermarkets that stock imported food items.

Val, Downer’s description of Boris Johnson would be one of the few things I have agreed with hm about.

Even though I am desperate to get back to bed, I’ll leave you with a couple of stories.

Quote
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 



The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.. 


 :-Z :-Z :-Z
Regards, Jack