More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Watching day 2 of the open was a bit disappointing.  The golf was excellent but it was the wrong players who were playing excellently.   However, Cameron Smith turned in a beauty.  Pity he is the only Aussie that made the cut.  Even so, I am hanging out for the action to start again at 7.00 pm (your 10.00 am).

 


I realise the jokes are a bit premature.


   



   

[Hobbit]

I'm wondering if you & the chooks are still up watching the golf!  Must be gone midnight down your way by now.

This picture appeared on the front of the sports section of my paper today.  I thought it was delightful   She is his girlfriend Helen Storey & also his caddie.  He said she knows next to nothing about golf but knows about how his mind works.  He said he prefers to work out the yardages & other stuff for himself!  Love it
Cameron Smith has played a blinder.  Westwood, Rose & Fleetwood are all doing ok.  Don't know what's happened to Sergio.  Slipped quite a bit.  Have to wait for the highlights later on.

I can't thank you enough for the reminders that I have to return to work on Monday   Even though it's a sore point they were funny

Some random silly things!
     

[a non-amos]

Coming back to work means there is the inevitable piles of email to deal with.

So . . . Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails?













Wait for it . . .















Saint Francis of the CC.

[Ozzyjack]

The chooks go to bed as soon as it is dark, which is before 6.00 pm here at this time of year.   That is too early, even for us.  I would have had about 3-4 hours sleep  by the time your post came in (you judged the time right) and another couple of hours before I woke up to see it.  I was back asleep again within 15 minutes.  We do get up before the chooks as it doesn’t get daylight until after 6.45.  

That is when we start watching the recording of yesterday’s golf.  Cameron Smith had a mediocre day.  I think it would be great if Shane Lowry won the Open at Royal Pointrush.  He grew up playing golf at the course next door and used to sneak onto Royal Pointrush to play a few holes.  His brother is a greenkeeper there.  Shane has a 4 point lead going in to the final round but fortunes can quickly change on Links courses, especially as bad weather is predicted.


All this talk of golf has made me hungry and reminded of the time I went to a swish restaurant in Sydney recently.

As the waiter seated me I accidentally knocked a spoon onto the floor.  Quick as a flash, he whipped a spoon out of his pocket and placed it on the table.  I said it was not necessary as I was perfectly happy to use the dropped spoon.  He said “it is a rule of the house that we must replace any cutlery that falls on the floor with clean ones.  We don’t believe in the 5-second rule here”

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.   So I asked the waiter “Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He asked whether I had heard of Deloittes.   I said I had as a friend of mine had a relative who worked for them.  He then explained, "The boss hired Deloittes to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.  I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of his zipper. Looking around, I saw that all the waiters had string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Deloittes also suggested we can save time in the toilet. By tying this string to the tip of our willies, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Deloittes didn't mention that in report, so, we use the spoon."

Before I try for a bit of humour.


Watch this video. it is amazing







     

[Hobbit]

JACK
I got up this morning and was feeling very grumpy

I read your post & roared with laughter and now

You were right the magic video was brilliant & the joke hilarious

I have to agree with you about the golf.  It would be smashing if Shane Lowry could hold on & win.  The 3 Brits are still in contention   I have to ask if JB Holmes has a first name?

It's not as funny as yours but this tickled me

Two dwarfs were on a golf holiday, and after playing 36 holes on the
first day, they hit the local bar.
After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them
back to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection.  His depression
was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of "One,
two, three ... agh!" all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, "How
did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an
erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he
cried. "I couldn't even get on the damn bed!"

      

My friend Bex has a new nickname for me


Time for lunch   Must get the kettle on!

 

[Hobbit]

So . . . Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails?
Saint Francis of the CC.

Boom Boom!!  Very good A!

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen.

Totally knacked tonight.  After I got home from Gym and walking Zephyr, the weather was so good  we decided to have our first game of golf for this month,  I was so tired and sore when we got home that I had a few malts to ease the pain and then a quick snack and a long poppy nap.

The Open had a story book ending and I was a bit choked up watching the end of it,  I felt sorry for John Bradley Holmes who fell from third place to equal 67^th until I read Brooks Koepka's comments on how frustrating it was to play with him because of his pace of play.

How does this make you feel?

 


Answer:  Melancholy

 

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Melancholy just about sums it up this afternoon!
Work is hot and horrible :'( and still nearly two hours to go   They are forecasting temperatures of 34c later in the week   Unbearable! Don't know about a slow boat to China I'll be on a slow boat to the North Pole!
      

You were spot on about the Open.  Perfect ending.  I watched the highlights yesterday evening.  The weather was atrocious.  I'm not sure how they managed to play in that torrential rain and howling gale.  I read what Brooks Koepka said about JB Holmes.  He cost himself nearly $700,000 in lost prize money dropping all those shots.  My thought was it serves him right.  I think that's very poor sportsmanship.  It's not as if it only affects him.

Sounds like you had a tiring but enjoyable day. I expect you and the chooks are snoring by now
         

Soon be time to go home...

[Ozzyjack]

HI

I won't make you grumpier by using work jokes.  See if these put a smile on your face.

     

 

One of the younger members at our golf club and his girlfriend visited one of the expensive residential Sydney golf courses.  He said to his girlfriend, “Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don’t know if we can afford to break a window.” His girlfriend tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He said, “Oh no! We had better go ask how much it’s going to be.” So, he and his girlfriend go up to the house and see the door open. They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.

A man walks up and says, “Thank you!” The guy said, “I’m sorry about the…” And the man interrupts, “Oh don’t worry about the window. I must thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I’m a genie. So, you get one wish and your girlfriend gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one.”

The guy asks for $100 million. The genie says, “Done.” The girlfriend asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says, “Done.” “Now, my wish is to have sex with your girlfriend because, you know, I’ve been trapped in that bottle for so long.” They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted. And so, the genie had sex with the man’s girlfriend, not just once but many times.

When they were done, the genie asks the girlfriend, “How old is your boyfriend?” She answers, “33.” And, the man said, “And he still believes in genies?”

[Hobbit]

JACK
I'm a loss less grumpy today despite not getting a great lot of sleep last night.  Just too hot and sticky
Your jokes most definitely hit the spot and made me laugh 
    
The 3rd picture isn't funny but I just thought it was so cute

A small story to make you smile
An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.
If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.
On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.
Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'

Back to the grindstone!

[Ozzyjack]

HI Pen,

I forgot to ask you how you went finding the books you were looking for on your week off.  I hope you had more success at your library than I had at mine.  I asked for a book on tides.  The librarian responded “Sorry, sir. That one’s just gone out".  So I asked where the books on self help are kept.  The Librarian replied "If I told you wouldn’t that be defeating the object.”

                 


A foursome from my golf club, Highlands at Mittagong, lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to Brisbane and it wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m.  He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.  The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf, I would pull the covers off him. If his penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Have to own up to feeling tired and a bit wobbly today.  We had a storm at 1.30am which shot me out of bed & I couldn't get back to sleep.  Of course when the alarm went of at 6 I was well in the land of nod. We only have 2 more days this week of the really extreme weather and a wet & cool weekend is forecast.  Tomorrow the temperatures are set to be 36c :'(

I popped into my local library last week.  It's a small one & I couldn't find anyone to help me try & find/order any Donna Leon. The books weren't on the shelf as far as I could see.  I'm going to pay a visit to one of the larger ones & see if I do better there.  We have no fewer than about 7 libraries in MK. 

Here's a little Matt
      

Think this sums me up this morning

[Ozzyjack]

HI Pen,

Even the news here is presenting clips on your heatwave and storms. So I figure today’s theme is obvious.   I don’t want to rub salt into the wound but it was very pleasant playing golf here today – cloudless sky, no wind and 16^oC.

It reminded me of last summer when I was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day and I saw a father with 3 kids. "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully. "I am" said one "no, I am" said another. "No," the father said "their mother is!"

It's so hot out, Jehovah's Witnesses are telemarketing.

         

 
     

[Hobbit]

G'day Jack
 
Today is almost unbearable.  So hot & humid.  I was going to go & start my car & switch the aircon on so I could actually get in it when it's going home time.  One of my work friends pointed out that the problem with that is my car probably wouldn't be there in 2 hours time   Thankfully this is supposed to be the last of the very hot days.  More thunder & lightning tonight.  Hope it's not too bad or I'll be in the little cupboard under the stairs
Your day sounded almost perfect - I'm very jealous!

      

This made me smile
Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'
She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'
Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

Two hours til I can go home and be even hotter than I am now

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

You will have to explain to me again why you would be safer in the little cupboard under the stairs than you would be in any other room in the house.

I loved the schoolteacher joke, but it did seem to be familiar.

Yesterday, I rode my bike to the Bottle Shop to get a bottle of scotch.  I bought the scotch, and put the bottle in the little basket on the front of my bike. But then I realised that if I fell over, the bottle was going to break and the scotch would be gone! So, I decided not to risk it and I drank the whole bottle right then.  Thank God I did, because I fell over 7 times on the way home.

Which reminds me of the time I went into a bar and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the barman gave me the drink I said, 'I'm celebrating my 77th birthday and it's today.'

The barman said, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me..'

As I finished my drink, the woman to my right said, 'I would Like to buy you a drink, too.'

I said, 'Thank you. Barman, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the barman.

As I finished that drink, the man to my left said, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

I said, 'Thank you. Barman, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the barman said.

As he gave me the drink, he said, 'I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

I replied, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'