More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack.Just popping in!  I think this teetotal malarkey is improving your comic funny bone Brilliant! Zoe & I love 'allo 'allo.  Especially the very early ones.  I remember my Dad took great exception to it.  I don't know if it was because he was in WW2 & was a Dunkirk veteran but he hated it.
You said you have a big day tomorrow (today now?) but you didn't say why...Being of a nosey disposition I like to know what's going on!
 
& here's my chauffeur

Hope Molinari prevails over Tiger Woods



Got to fly magpie
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

I think this teetotal malarkey is improving your comic funny bone
Zoe & I love 'allo 'allo.  Especially the very early ones.
You said you have a big day tomorrow (today now?) but you didn't say why...Being of a nosey disposition I like to know what's going on!
& here's my chauffeur
Hope Molinari prevails over Tiger Woods

,Pen

if your thesis is correct, you must have been on the wagon this week too

click here for a small example of the type of humour

It was to be a standard big day.  Gym, golf and 2 dog walks.  As it turned out I hadn’t checked out the program at the golf club.  They had a ladies pennant competition on, which used up all the golf carts, so we decided to postpone our game to tomorrow.

 I assume that you are Lady Penelope.  Are we supposed to tug the forelock?

 The Americans took the top four positions.  Still, I suppose we have to be good sports and congratulate them.

The usual trio:
                 


Off into the night,
With the speed of light,
And the sound of galloping hooves.

[Hobbit]

Monday morning & I'm sadly lacking much enthusiasm  
Your post did help to raise my spirits - cartoons were A1 very funny
I look forward to a bit of forelock tugging & bowling & scraping
   
Here's my other alter ego

   
I'm a bit peeved about Tiger Woods though probably sorrier that Molinari fell by the wayside.  Can't deny that Woods is a phenomenal sportsman.  I just don't like/respect him as a person.
I will take my grumpiness out on a few patients & wish you Happy Tuesday & Happy Golfing
Bye Bye

[Hobbit]

 Off out now for a, hopefully, delicious lunch and then tea with the family ... too much food and too much wine - perfect day! 

Hi Linda Hope your birthday brought you much enjoyment & pleasure
Penx

[Linda]

I'm a bit peeved about Tiger Woods though probably sorrier that Molinari fell by the wayside.  Can't deny that Woods is a phenomenal sportsman.  I just don't like/respect him as a person.

Pen, I think we must be twin souls!  My thoughts presactly!!  Molinari is rather cute, which helps!  I'm not a golf fan but hubby is so I did see grumpy features win. 

Birthday was lovely, thanks.  Scrummy lunch and tea.  Face painting with my niece's children (I've discovered I'm not as artistic as I thought I was) and plenty of Runestone in the evening!! 

[Hobbit]

Can't argue with you Linda!  We are twin souls I reckon - scarily similar thoughts/likes!
Glad you had a great birthday.  Perhaps you should be like the Queen & have 2 a year.  Double the enjoyment
pen

[Linda]

As long as it's not double the age ... 

[Hobbit]

love it! 
Great minds think alike
or fools seldom differ...

[Ozzyjack]

,Pen

Ditto.

Lady Penelope,  I would be happy to bow and curtsey.  I would, under protest, grovel but there is no way I could manage a full-blown somersault with buttocks rampant, even if I wanted to.

I came second at golf today, the only problem it was a social game between the two of us.


The usual trio:

           

This big blue whale has gotta Bail.

[Hobbit]

I got really excited when you said you came second at golf today

but then I read on....



   

Must do some work


au revoir  Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hello Penny

Ditto.  You hit the nail on the head.  The reason why I was a good loser I was playing with the only boss I have these days, She was a gracious winner.  Also, we were being closely observed (see attachment)





But luckily not for me, because I found a good story

Theresa May walked into a bank to cash a cheque.  She said to the teller, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

The teller replied, "Could you please show me your ID?"

Theresa May said, "Truthfully, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm the Prime Minister."

The teller said, "Yes madam, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Theresa May said, "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am, and they'll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

The teller said, "I'm sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. However, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.  Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. he pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

So, Mrs May, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Theresa May stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there's nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."

With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mrs May?


The usual trio

           

Oh by golly, I’ve got to go and walk the border collie

[Hobbit]

  JACK
Although it's quite possible that by the time I post this you & the chooks will be safely tucked up for the night!


A very funny (& apt) joke & excellent trio
The especially liked the kangaroos on the golf course

I was looking for a funny hospital/fracture clinic related joke but the best I could come up with was this story posted on a doctor's website.  It tickled me & hope it will do the same for you!

A guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn't so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, "Nooooo". I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn't help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, "Sir...liar, liar, pants on fire". The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head!

     


Bye Bye Sweetie Pie

[Ozzyjack]

Pen

Ditto.  I am a bit knacked tonight so I might not be able to match your standard,

I thought it was time to check whether my weight loss program was working.  I stepped on one of those scales that not only prints your weight on a card but also adds a character analysis.

"Listen to this," I said to my wife, showing her the card.   "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."

"Yes," she nodded, "and it has got your weight wrong, too."

This made me depressed so I headed to the nearest pub to drown my sorrows.  As I walked into the bar, I noticed two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?", I asked the barman.

"Oh, that's just a little competition.", the barman explained. "If you can jump up and catch a piece of meat between your teeth, then you get a free drink. If you fail, however, you buy the whole bar a drink.  Would you like to have a go?".

"I don't think so", I said, "the steaks are too high."


The usual trio:

           


There is no more; time to close the door

[Hobbit]

  JACK

I'm not firing on all cylinders today .  I have a headache & I'm gearing up for a busy afternoon!  The weather here has suddenly got very warm.  They are forecasting a hot & sunny Easter.  Almost unheard of

I loved your joke - brightened up my day & made me laugh

Here's a little bit of Victoria Wood...
"My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar."
“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.”
“A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, ‘you took your time’ when he comes back dripping wet.”
"People think I hate sex. I don't. I just don't like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

   

Soon be home time   Only 2 hours & 26 minutes to go!
TOMORROW

[Ozzyjack]

Pen

I hope you survived your headache and you are having a really good Friday.  Victoria Wood never fails, does she? 

Given the season, I will make the topic of my story today about a young priest of my acquaintance who needed much mentoring in counselling, sermonising and conducting confessions.

The Bishop overheard him counselling a parishioner about complaining.  The young priest said to the parishioner “I hate it when people complain about everything.  I have a friend who lost his vocal chords and his legs in an accident.  But you don’t find him making a song and dance about it.” 

The Bishop suggested that pointing out Job’s reaction to adversity might be a more subtle approach.

The young priest decided to gain inspiration from one of the bishop’s sermons which he observed.
 
The Bishop boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!". The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his sermon which went over well.

About a week later the young priest decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" - His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, he finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was! but I know the bishop recommends her very highly”

The young priest was nervous about hearing confessions, and asked an older priest to observe him and to give him some tips.  After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.  "You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next"

The usual trio:

           


Gotta leave because I can’t think of anything funny,  Easter Bunny