Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 266868 times)

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #465 on: March 09, 2018, 06:29:50 AM »
I don't know how you do it Jack but I'm so very glad you do!  Very funny yarns - all three :laugh:
Sorry I quite forgot we're not using emojis! Whoops!
I have still got my thinking cap on for a new challenge for you.  How about Billy Connolly?  I saw a programme where he rode this 3-wheeled motor bike all round Oz.  It was very entertaining.
What sort of hat do you think Les will get?  That could be your new topic!
Pen

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #466 on: March 09, 2018, 06:47:31 AM »
Quote

Jack, that was an absolutely brilliantly funny post & I do apologise for not responding to it which was my intention but at the time I was so preoccupied with trying to extricate myself from my faux pas with Penny that I simply forgot.
Turns out that Pen is even a better sport than i thought so i can probably even get away with sending her this ;

I am a good sport Les & you can certainly get away with sending me that!
Will have to see what I can come up with in return!
Pen

Les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #467 on: March 09, 2018, 04:59:27 PM »
Jack, i absolutely loved that post,
I had a smile & a little giggle at the first & third stories but that second joke, probably because i had never heard it before, made me laugh out aloud which is something that i rarely do.

My first thought was that the hat would have to be an Akubra but on second thought, maybe a red fez would be more appropriate.
Pen, I have heard through the grape vine ( for any youngsters out there , that was how we got all the gossip before they invented computers ) that you actually enjoy wearing lovely & very expensive hats ;

I believe that it was just last Monday when you were standing at the bus stop on a very windy day, holding onto your hat with both hands while the extremely severe wind blew your dress up around your waist.
A young gentleman approached and said,  "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
You replied, "Look mister, everything down there is sixty years old, this hat is brand new!"
« Last Edit: March 09, 2018, 05:37:57 PM by Les303 »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #468 on: March 09, 2018, 08:34:30 PM »
What sort of hat do you think Les will get?  That could be your new topic!

Les has come up with a few suggestions but I think we should give him a few more. I’ll give it some thought over the weekend.
Meanwhile, I'll tell you a few stories in which hats are involved.  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke gave a speech on the topic of sex, but as he thought his wife wouldn’t approve he told her the talk was about sailing?

The next day one of the wife’s friends told her how much she enjoyed her husband's talk.

She said "I don't know what he knows about it, he only tried it twice. The first time he was sick as a dog and the second time his hat blew off".

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O’Toole stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in living memory. Afterward, the priest asked O’Toole what had made him finally come to mass.

O’Toole looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Dunne has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Dunne’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”

“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, O’Toole?”

“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” O’Toole replied.

“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Dunne’s hat for yourself.”

“Not exactly, Father,” said O’Toole. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me own hat.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the 'Missus.'

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

"Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

“Nope. Not a clue", she replied

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S POINTING AT MY PURCHASE - MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "I’d be more pleased if you had purchased a new hat!!
« Last Edit: March 10, 2018, 02:13:23 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #469 on: March 10, 2018, 06:47:16 AM »
Jack I loved all those stories. Brilliant.  My favourite was the first one - it made me laugh out loud! This was followed by a quick fit of coughing!  I'm getting on my own nerves now! 
After I've had my Chi fix I'm off to consult google to see what an akubra looks like....
please keep up the very good & entertaining work
Pen

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #470 on: March 10, 2018, 06:53:26 AM »
Quote

My first thought was that the hat would have to be an Akubra but on second thought, maybe a red fez would be more appropriate.

You replied, "Look mister, everything down there is sixty years old, this hat is brand new!"

Thanks Les - I think!  The story was funny but I'm not sure I like to be reminded how old I am ??? I push it to the back of my mind & try & forget!
Anyway I'm going to look an akubra up on google to see what one looks like.  I'm sure a red fez would suit you "just like that"!
Pen

Les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #471 on: March 10, 2018, 06:17:31 PM »
Jack I loved all those stories. Brilliant.  My favourite was the first one - it made me laugh out loud! This was followed by a quick fit of coughing!  I'm getting on my own nerves now! 
After I've had my Chi fix I'm off to consult google to see what an akubra looks like....
please keep up the very good & entertaining work
Pen

You would need to be pretty desperate to take this option but if that cough is really annoying you then just take a few laxatives before going to bed tonight, in the morning you will not be game to cough.

The idea of a red fez was of course inspired by the great Tommy Cooper.

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #472 on: March 10, 2018, 08:52:19 PM »
Les has come up with a few suggestions but I think we should give him a few more. I’ll give it some thought over the weekend.

Pen, Les and Les's friends.

I've thought about this some more and I can't come to any conclusion.

A hat is a very personal thing. Getting the right hat  depends on your physical characteristics.  Now I might not have been paying attention as much as I should, but despite Les seeking our details assiduously, I don't think we have any details about what he looks like.  Is he 4ft 6 in (137 cm) or 6ft 6 in (198 cm)?,  Is he a bean-pole or is he built on more generous proportions like me?; Does he drink inside his local (wherever it is in Spring Valley) in the Public or Saloon Bar or does he drink outside in the beer garden to take advantage of the superb Queensland weather; Does he resemble a Nordic god or the late Chips Rafferty,  or does he look like the cartoon character Andy Capp.  Perhaps he is a Celtic redhead (and would suit a Tam O'Shanter)  or as bald as the late Yul Brynner.  Not knowing any of these things, I have attached some suggestions which are not nearly comprehensive and I am relying on you to fill in the gaps.

You should be able to open the PDF file by clicking on it.  I had expected it to open automatically
« Last Edit: March 11, 2018, 08:38:14 AM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #473 on: March 11, 2018, 07:00:10 AM »
Oh Jack I'm laughing fit to bust (& coughing but who cares!) Your hat collection is inspired.  As you say we need to have some idea of Les' appearance & size before we can make any firm recommendations!  Before we started this exercise I was in favour of the hat with the corks (we also have the expression "there's no flies on him")  If he's going to wear a flat cap when he comes to England he'll need to bring his whippet with him :laugh:
I think the iconic akubra is my personal favourite.  Very dashing! Although I thnk he might enjoy swashing his buckle in the cavalier's hat!
Were you joking about Tommy Cooper? I don't suppose he travelled to Oz much if at all.  He was a great big chap with a baffled expression who was a comedian & a magician.   His tricks usually went very wrong! He always wore a red fez. very funny - have a look at Youtube. 
all the best Pen

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #474 on: March 11, 2018, 09:00:37 AM »

Were you joking about Tommy Cooper?


I wasn't joking but after looking him up, I have a vague memory that I have seen some of his stuff before but I am not sure.  He was apparently very well regarded by his peers and the first video I saw was of him dying on the stage in 1984,  After that I thought I would leave reviewing his performances for another day.  I have saved some of his one-liners for later use - attributed, of course.
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte

mkenuk

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #475 on: March 11, 2018, 11:05:25 AM »
Tommy Cooper was, quite simply, one of the funniest men who ever lived.

In the early 1970s I was living and working in Edinburgh, and one glorious summer August morning during the school holidays, I was walking through Princes Street Gardens when I noticed a crowd standing and sitting around the bandstand. Curious, I walked over there and saw Tommy Cooper who was in the process of doing a free show for the kids. He was appearing in Edinburgh that week, but I think every one of his shows had been sold out, so this was a bonus.

A huge man, you only had to look at him to laugh. A very talented conjurer whose tricks always seemed to go wrong - they always came good in the end though - and who, as a TV comedian, made everyone laugh with good clean entertainment. He never needed to resort to smut or innuendo on his shows - he was above that.

In reality he had many problems, but these never came through into his act.

It's a cliche, but possibly true, that he would have wanted to die the way he did - on stage, making people laugh.

One of the immortals of British show business indeed.




Les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #476 on: March 11, 2018, 08:00:05 PM »
I do not mean to brag but it is pretty well known that I have become so proficient on my home computer that these days, I even do most of my punting on line.
However there was a catastrophe last Saturday when I arrived home from work only to find that my betting site was down.
Bugger, although I still have 30 minutes before they jump but I will have to take the arduous trek ( 5 minute walk ) down the hill to the local to make sure that I don't miss out on backing this absolute certainty called Scractchy Lass. ( that is her real name, not even I could make that up & how could you not follow a horse with a name like that especially when she does have some genuine ability).
There is a medical centre located on my route down the hill & as i walk past i cannot help but notice a very fractious looking elderly lady sitting on the bench at the front of the building.
I slowed down & gave her a big smile & said " How you going love, is everything ok? "
There was no response or acknowledement, she just seemed to stare straight ahead as she held on to both straps of her large handbag which was drapped over her shoulder.
Mindful of the time, i continued on my way.
Les, what in the bloody hell are you doing here?, i thought you were on early shift. ( I will usually only go to the club on a Saturday if i'm on days off because if I go their on a Saturday afternoon when I have an early start on the Sunday, I either end up sleeping in & being late, going off sick if I've a had a big win or fail to turn up at all. )
As a schooner is thrust into my hand, i explained the situation & stated that i will just have this one beer & owe you a shout next week as i am only here to back my " special " then i'll be off because i have the early start in the morning.
So what's this special, they all enquire?
Scratchy Lass, it was nominated for Flemington but then scratched & is now going around at Morphetville in race 7 at about 7 to 1.
Everybody jumps on the bandwagon & backs Scratchy Lass straight out for the win.
She runs second & we all lose our money which we then have to try and recoupe so it is about 6 schooners & two hours later, before i realise that i really do have to leave.
On my way back up the hill, i pass the medical centre & to my dismay the same lady is still sitting there.
I sit down at the opposite end of the bench & light up a cigarette thinking to myself that this medical centre only opens for a few hours of a Saturday morning & closes about midday, surely this woman hasn't been sitting here all this time as it now about 6.00pm.
I introduced myself & tried starting up a couple of conversations but got no response, then all of sudden she blurts out, your not Ronnie, where is Ronnie?, I really need to use the bathroom.
No, i'm not Ronnie but Ronnie is an old mate of mine & he is going to meet us at my place which is just a short walk up the hill & you will be able to use the bathroom there.
Yes thankyou, so as i put my arm under her shoulder to assist her up the hill, she maintains her  tight grip with both hands on the straps of her handbag.
As we enter my apartment, i ask her if she would like a cup of tea & a biscuit as i direct her immediately to the bathroom & boil the jug.
What in the hell should i do, should i call the police or should i try ro get a look in her handbag to try to find out who she is & who i should contact.
As she comes out of the bathroom, she says " where is my lovely grandughter? "
My response is did you want a cup of tea & what is your name?
Yes please, i like tea & could i have another chocolate biscuit.
As she relaxed with her cup of tea & bikkies, the hand bag came loose & i was able to look inside, it was totally empty.
At this point, i went into the the bedroom & called the police, thankyou sir, we do have an alert out for this woman, her granddaughter  Ronnie had dropped her off at the medical centre this morning & was supposed to pick her up this afternoon but she was tragically involved in a fatal traffic accident.

On the 26th. of April, it will be 12 months since my own mother passed away suffering from severe dementia.

ozziejack , you have created quite the dilemma , should I shatter Pen's fanciful image of myself or should I publish a true life picture that will most probably not only end our romance but also scare any small children out there.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 04:18:38 PM by Les303 »

Les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #477 on: March 11, 2018, 08:08:17 PM »
I also liked your hat options, but not so keen on some of your examples ;

Country Aubra ;


Les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #478 on: March 11, 2018, 08:22:08 PM »
Of course you are quite correct with regard to the slouch hat.

I have actually tried the corked hat, the corks are more annoying than the bloody flies.

As Pen percieved, my initial preference was for the iconic akubra.

And as for the cavelier & the flat cap, i reckon that they are probably both a bit outdated these days

Would never truly consider a Red Fez out of respect for the master.


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #479 on: March 11, 2018, 08:55:21 PM »
Hi 2dognight,
I am a bit slow.  I just realised how clever your pseudonym is.

Carol,
I was listening to Conversations with Richard Fidler and Sarah Kanowski on ABC local radio last week and the episode was Cornish Pasties and powerhouse boys: a love song to Moonta. It featured Kristin Weidenbach on her father's early life in the Methodist-run mining town of Moonta.

Moonta is on the Yorke Peninsula of South Australia, 165 km north-northwest of the state capital of Adelaide. It is one of three towns known as the Copper Coast or "Little Cornwall" for their shared copper mining history.

You may have even visited there as it is probably within 300-400 Km of your place.

Kristin has written several books but two took my fancy and I have put them on my wish list with Amazon.  I thought you might also be interested.

The first is Growing up Moonta.

Told through the childhood reminiscences of Weidenbach’s father, Neil, Growing up Moonta paints a picture of a time when an illegitimate child was raised as a sister to her mother, travelling salesmen made a living hawking dressmakers’ pins and bottles of antiseptic salve, and boys grew to men lumping bags of wheat and tending engines in the town power houses of the 1930s.

The Second is Mailman of the Birdsville Track

For the people who lived in the desert between Marree and Birdsville, contact with the outside world was hard and sporadic - but one man was their lifeline: Tom Kruse. For more than twenty years he was the connection with the outside world for the families, station workers and others who lived along the Birdsville Track.


For other forumites who may be interested in accessing episodes of Conversations but do not listen to ABC radio,  

Conversations episodes are available as podcasts from the free ABC Listen app  (see http://www.abc.net.au/radio/listen/ ) and other sources including directly from the Website www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/conversations/  


Richard Fidler and Sarah Kanowski are excellent interviewers who delve into the life of interesting people who more often than not have just published a book which allows the interviewers to zero in on the most interesting issues.

I recommend you give it a try.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 01:32:46 AM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”  ― Napoleon Bonaparte