More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Valerie]

I bought this book on Strine many many moons for an American colleague who adored everything Australian, especially our quirky language.  This is part of his lovely thank you letter which I've kept to this day.

QUOTE
Thanks also for the delightful little book on Strine.  I had to read this in several stages since it only took a few pages for my eyes to become blurred with tears of mirth.  When I returned to Sinny I started listening more carefully to the speech patterns of the citizens and even began to think like Professor Lauder.  At the risk of seeming tedious I will exemplify the foregoing with a brief (true) anecdote:

On entering the hotel elevator I was spoken to in forthright fashion by a middle aged man;  as far as I could discern he said, “Air ya gown mite”.  My first thought was that he was speaking in one of the more obscure languages from the Mediterranean Basin – perhaps Turkish or Serbo-Croat.  I looked at him more closely - but he seemed a relatively normal Anglo-Saxon ethnic type without the complexion or demeanor that might be expected from the Levant.  I tried to respond but all that emerged from my mouth was a hoarse croak, due, perhaps, to my having consumed a bottle of local plonque the previous evening.  The man glared at me - and alighted at the next floor.  The words “gown” and “mite” suggested some associations - perhaps an item of female apparel and an ancient Middle Eastern bronze coin (referred to in the Bible as the “widow’s mite") respectively.  I briefly wondered if the man had thought I might be a transvestite and/or a coin dealer - but neither seemed logical.  I concluded that the mystery was unfathomable and thought it best to put it from my mind in case I suffered a mental breakdown (like Geoffrey, who tried to learn Strine too quickly).  Enough!
Thanks again, Val (or “theng slidy") for your help.

[Ozzyjack]

I work with a radiographer called Mike who is extremely good at telling very funny jokes.  Problem is I forget them within a few minutes (memory like a bloody goldfish!) Here's one he told me a little while ago.  Hope I remember it correctly.

You remembered it perfectly, Pen.  So, we expect some more jokes from Mike the radiographer.

Still haven't come up with anything original!
Sending you felicitations (does that even make sense? )

It makes perfect sense, Pen.  It means, among other things, an expression of good wishes.  And don't worry about being original.  The only time I appear original, is when I am clever enough to pick a source so obscure that nobody can find out where I pinched it from.

I am a bit short on inspiration tonight, so I will give you two items inspired by my conversation with Mkenuk earlier today.

• Larn yourself Geordie
• Parliamo Glasgow - Football Match

I've gotta make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.

P.S. Is there any truth that Les has a new address?

[Les303]

G'day Jack,

I've missed a couple of days on the forum so thanks to yourself Mike & Pen for keeping this " rubbish " thread alive, the most pleasing thing is that slowly but surely there are a couple of forumites who are not regular posters that are beginning to engage.
What I would really like to see is the perspective of some of the more recently registered players who I assume are a lot younger than us.
Give us your opinion, tell us a joke that the "oldies" have probably never heard of, you will not be critiscised in this thread.

I also skimmed over Mike's post without giving it much thought, it was only after reading your post, Jack, that i re visited it and appreciated just how clever it was.

Valerie, loved that very amusing qoute from your friend.

Pen, you've done an excellent job in recalling a joke that even though it may have been old enough to have whiskers it was one that i had never heard & certainly gave me a laugh.
Perhaps you could get Mike (from work ) to write a few jokes down for you then as you post them you don't need to mention that they were provided by the radiographer, you just let everybody assume that they were of your own cognition, Jack & i do it all the time, finding jokes on the internet or wherever & just make some subtle changes to give the illusion that is a " Penny " original.

[Hobbit]

I loved it too Valerie.  Very funny! What a great keepsake
Penny

[Hobbit]

Mike, I managed to track an article on the origin of strine.

Let Stalk Strine

Must rush.  I've just been called for our oil and Balsamic ritual.

Evening Jack
I have to say I had never heard of strine.  I had a little mosey round google & on Wikipedia it says "Steve Irwin was once referred to as the person who "talked strine like no other contemporary personality".
Have you referred to your oil & balsamic ritual before?  My brain's working overtime as to what you are doing with said condiments
I have to dash as I'm visiting a friend
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Have you referred to your oil & balsamic ritual before?  My brain's working overtime as to what you are doing with said condiments
Pen

Pen, I am starting to think you have an evil mind . 

I have not referred to it as a ritual before but have mentioned several times that we have a habit of having afternoon tea of Bread, Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar with a glass, or in my case maybe two, of Sauvignon Blanc.  This occurs about 5.00 pm.
until then?

A couple of cartoons for you.

how to respond to “do I look Fat?

Beware - A bit rude

[Hobbit]

Pen, I am starting to think you have an evil mind . 

I have not referred to it as a ritual before but have mentioned several times that we have a habit of having afternoon tea of Bread, Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar with a glass, or in my case maybe two, of Sauvignon Blanc.  This occurs about 5.00

An evil mind?  Moi??  Perish the thought

You most definitely have mentioned your afternoon tea accompanied by Sauvignon Blanc.  I think it was the word "ritual" that flummoxed me slightly
It's a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon here & I'm stuck at work
Your cartoons cheered me up no end & made me laugh out loud.  Got a few strange looks from patients in the waiting room
I've told Mike to get his thinking cap on for some jokes I can pass on.
Pen

[Les303]

G'day Pen,

If it is any consolation, it was also a lovely sunny afternoon here in Brisbane today but like you I was also stuck at work...the things we do to earn a quid.

Anyway, while you are waiting on Mike to provide some jokes, here is one to tide you over as well as a waiting room cartoon.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

[Ozzyjack]

My computer won't allow me to post a YouTube link to it, but his 'Wishing Well' sketch is usually regarded as one of his funniest.

Mike, I wasn't sure whether your computer wouldn't let you search for YouTube entries or just wouldn't let you post them.
If the former, you might appreciate revisiting the skits below.  In either case, perhaps some other forumites might get a laugh out of them.

• Stanley Baxter - Parliamo Glasgow - Mia Farra's farra, the marra & the barra
• STANLEY BAXTER - MASTERMIND
• STANLEY BAXTER - LIBERACE

You probably saw the two skits I dropped into the post primarily addressed to Hobbit yesterday.  I could make something of the Geordie sayings but even with the translation, some of the Glasgow sayings have me flummoxed.

[Ozzyjack]

An evil mind?  Moi??  Perish the thought

I can't remember whether we have had this one, Pen, but even so it is worth repeating

There's nothing worse than a Hospital Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my willy', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.The man then decided to
walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Another receptionist cartoon

I'm back to bed, Fred

[Les303]

Morning Jack,

I hope that you have had a good nights sleep, I know that as we get a bit older that is not always so easily accomplished & yes we have heard this one before but as you say it is definitely worth repeating, I absolutely " pissed " my self laughing when Pat first shared this joke with us, it remains one of my all time favourites but never mind because Penny would have forgotten it within 5 minutes of hearing it. ( bless her soul, memory of a goldfish ).

[Hobbit]

Les you're a cheeky so and so!!  But, unfortunately, a very correct cheeky so and so!  I didn't remember the joke but thought it was very funny   Glad I wasn't the only one at work today (should that be yesterday for you now? )
Penx

[Hobbit]

I can't remember whether we have had this one, Pen, but even so it is worth repeating

I'm back to bed, Fred

It definitely was worth repeating Jack.  I don't remember it first time round.  As Les kindly pointed out I have the memory of a goldfish!
I loved the Stanley Baxter/Liberace sketch where the piano catches fire.  Hilarious!  For some reason I never watched much of Stanley Baxter when I was a mere whippersnapper!
I going to watch some telly Nelly

[Ozzyjack]

Morning Jack,

I hope that you have had a good nights sleep, I know that as we get a bit older that is not always so easily accomplished & yes we have heard this one before but as you say it is definitely worth repeating, I absolutely " pissed " my self laughing when Pat first shared this joke.

Morning, Les

Slept well, thank you.  Probably clean living or a clear conscience. 

If I had searched for receptionist, I would have found Pat’s joke. From your reaction to it you will not need to visit the doctor.

I think Pen undersells her abilities to make us seem less inadequate.

Well, I have an hour’s gym and a game of golf to look forward to later this morning.  Hope you don’t have to work to hard.   

[Les303]

Morning Jack,

My " clean " living habits leave a bit to be desired but i do have a clear conscience although i must admit that on some very rare occasions i will awaken with a severe hangover & cautiously logon to chi with much trepidation to see exactly what i have posted the previous evening. ( This could be one of those occasions. )

I do hope that you are right in suggesting that i will have no need to visit the doctor because my last visit was just a little bit embarrassing...

As usual the waiting room was packed.
To speed things up a bit the proceedure at my local clinic is that when you are next in line to see the doctor & your name is called, the nurse escorts you into the private waiting room to prepare you for the Doctor to see.
Depending on the nature of your ailment, the nurse will ask about your condition &  perform some basic tasks like taking your blood pressure etc...& she will take some notes for the doctor before you see him or her.

Les, given the nature of your complaint, you will have to remove all of your clothes & put on this gown before you can see the Doctor.
I beg your pardon, do mean right now, in front of you?
The nurse says: 'Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.
Well good for you but you haven't seen, my naked body before, you would surely burst out laughing at the sight of it.
'Of course I won't laugh,' said the Nurse , 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' I said and proceeded to drop my trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
 In length and girth it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at my  private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
'I am so sorry,' she said, 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
Well it's swollen to three times its normal size... she ran out of the room.