More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Hobbit]

Pen, do you have a spare £126,000.  If you do, you could give Les a present that he would really appreciate.

Amedeo Modigliani's painting of a sultry nude fetched $US170.4 million ($241 million) at Christie's in New York on Monday, a record for the Italian artist at auction.

It depicts a naked woman with dark hair and red lips reclining, arms akimbo, on a red couch with a blue cushion, and it provoked a scandal when it was first exhibited by the Italian artist in Paris. A crowd gathered outside the gallery's window and outraged police ordered the exhibition to shut down immediately.

Cheerio for now - I'm off to take a cold shower.

Good Evening Jack
Hope your cold shower wasn't too much of a shock!!
Missed out last night as spent an hour & a quarter on the 'phone to British Telecom trying to sort out a new contract for my broadband, 'phone & telly.  Was guessing words on Chi whilst talking/waiting but after about an hour was losing the will to live
Anyway I sadly don't have that sort of cash to treat Les.  I'm sure he would very much appreciate the picture but I'm not convinced it's worth all those millions of dollars Perhaps the crowd & Police were upset by the fact that she hadn't shaved under her arms
Be great to find a valuable painting like that in the attic!  A few have turned up here on the Antiques Roadshow.  Nothing worth millions though!
So long
Pen

[Les303]

G'day Pen,

As you know, I have never been married & have no children but I am blessed with a number of beautiful nieces & nephews.
My eldest niece is named Sharee & she always was & still is my favourite. ( yes, I know that you are not supposed to have favourites but so long as you don't make it blindingly obvious to the others, then I think it is ok )
Anyway, from a very early age it was quite obvious that she was brighter than most, among her many talents she showed some ability as a potential artist.
She could draw / paint lovely landscapes but she really excelled at portraits.
It was in her last senior year at high school when she entered an art competition, the winner of which would effectively gain a scholarship where all of her university fees would be paid for, the winner was to be announced at the end of year graduation ceremony.
Can you imagine my total shock when she rang me to tell me about the competition & to ask for my permission to use one of my old football photos for her portrait.
" What are you insane,  i don't want my ugly picture plastered all over the place & why in the hell would you want to do a portrait of me anyway? "
Well everybody else seems to be doing portraits of famous people, politicians, movie & tv stars etc.., i would prefer to do one of someone that is close to me, someone that i care about so that hopefully i can impart that emotion in the portrait & besides, you will be barely recognisable because it is that picture of you when you were about 12 years old " walking " of the footy field after losing the grand final.
Surely you must remember that photo, it had been raining all day & the game was played in a quagmire, your jersey had been ripped in half,  your whole body & most of your face was covered in mud,you were limping with an injured leg but through all that muck, your eyes were glistening with joy & you had an enormous smile on your face which i will never forget because i was the first person that you hugged as you limped of the field.

Her portrait was brilliant, it encapulated the joy of a young boy playing the game that he loved, however the judges never agreed & she did not win that scholarship but there was no problem with her university fees as they were taken care of by an anonymous uncle.

I would upload those photo's but regrettably they were all lost in the 2011 flood, all we have left is one grainy newspaper photo.

[Ozzyjack]

Hope your cold shower wasn't too much of a shock!!

Put your mind at rest, Pen, I was using a little poetic licence when I said I needed a cold shower.  At my age I can still appreciate feminine beauty but I do not get excited by it.  In fact, I am so old I cannot even remember why I used to get excited by it.

Missed out last night as spent an hour & a quarter on the 'phone to British Telecom trying to sort out a new contract for my broadband, 'phone & telly.  after about an hour was losing the will to live

If it took less than 4 hours and didn’t include being passed on to three or four different sections you are better off than we are, dealing with Telstra.  However here are three little items to restore your will to live.

• Indian Call Centre
• Telstra customer service India.  Actually Telstra call centre is in Singapore but mustn't spoil a good story with the facts.
  
• Telstra Call Centre
  

Anyway I sadly don't have that sort of cash to treat Les.  I'm sure he would very much appreciate the picture but I'm not convinced it's worth all those millions of dollars

I can’t understand why people pay so much money for things they cannot use: stamps they cannot post: wine they cannot drink; etc.  But it does not concern me because I will never have the money to indulge unless I win a huge lottery, which brings me to a story that someone, who shall remain nameless, told me.

Joe found himself in serious financial trouble. He was desperate he decided to pray to God for help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prayed. “God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".  Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of luck.
 
Once again, he prayed."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good person and loyal to you and the church. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."  

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe falls to his knees in awe, shielding his eyes from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."

So long
Pen

With the greatest esteem and respect, I am, dear Madam, your most obedient and most humble servant.

Thanks, Benjamin Franklin, that's pretty classy.

[Hobbit]

Oh Jack you do crack me up!  I thought the 3 little clips were very funny.  We get an Indian call centre if we have to report a fault on our TV or Broadband.  Sometimes I can understand them perfectly.  Other times I totally struggle.  I had to hang up on one occasion as I was getting very frustrated & I had no idea what the chap was talking about! Perhaps he was employed by Telstra & was moonlighting for BT
I agree with you about buying things you can't use - especially wine you can't drink!  I suppose a great picture you can at least hang on the wall & enjoy.  Though if it's worth several million dollars/pounds then you'd have to just put it in a vault in the bank.  Pointless.
The joke is hilarious & very Les
I can't match your sign off tonight.  I will have to get my thinking cap on & do a little research!

With fondest regards & deepest respect
Pen

[Hobbit]

G'day Les
Another wonderful moving story.  I very much enjoyed reading about your niece Sharee. It's a crying shame that you lost the photos in the flood.  Such things are irreplaceable.
Mind how you go
Pen

[Les303]

G'day Pen,

Sharee has three wonderful children, two beautiful girls & the youngest is a young man named Michael.
Michael has recently turned 18 & has just started his first job as an apprentice carpenter. ( you might remember from my earlier stories that my father, among other things,  was a very adept carpenter )
Michael is loving his job & is really enjoying the work for which he seems to have a natural talent.
He also has another unique talent that he is very shy about & tends to keep to himself but the boy is an even better sketcher/painter/artist than his mother.
I just find it bizzare that neither of his older sisters can draw anything better than a " stick figure " yet Michael seems to have inherited his Mother's talent not to mention that of his great grand father who of course he never even met.

I can't remember telling Jack the lottery joke but i will happily take the credit for such a funny yarn.
I also enjoyed the " call centre " jokes because they are so bloody true.

[Ozzyjack]

The joke is hilarious & very Les

Pen, I thought so too, but when Les didn’t remember telling it to me, I recollected why I thought he had.  The other night, Les’s dream about beating Alonza was playing on my mind as I went to sleep and I had this realistic dream about Les telling me the joke.  But there was a second part to the dream.  I said to Les “if we are telling stories about granting wishes, I’ve got one too”

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.

The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.

I can't match your sign off tonight.  I will have to get my thinking cap on & do a little research!
With fondest regards & deepest respect

It’s hard to beat Benjamin Franklin, even J. R. R. Tolkien falls short

I trust you will find this reply satisfactory, and remain yours faithfully.

[mkenuk]

It’s hard to beat Benjamin Franklin, even J. R. R. Tolkien falls short

I trust you will find this reply satisfactory, and remain yours faithfully.

A friend of mine, years ago, used to finish official letters - to the Inland Revenue or local council, for example - with the words

'You are, sir, my obedient servant.

I remain

(signature)

[Hobbit]

A friend of mine, years ago, used to finish official letters - to the Inland Revenue or local council, for example - with the words

'You are, sir, my obedient servant.

I remain

(signature)

Love that Mike.  I can never think up original things like that!
Pen

[Hobbit]

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.

The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.

Good Evening Jack
Love that joke - made me laugh out loud
I work with a radiographer called Mike who is extremely good at telling very funny jokes.  Problem is I forget them within a few minutes (memory like a bloody goldfish!) Here's one he told me a little while ago.  Hope I remember it correctly.
After learning that her Granddad had passed away Susan went to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Granny to keep her company.
She asked how her Granddad had died & her Granny replied that he had a heart attack while they were making love on Sunday morning.
Susan was horrified & said that surely 2 people of nearly 100 years old having sex was a recipe for disaster.
"No dear" said Granny. "We realised a few years ago that as we were getting older the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells started to ring.  It was a nice steady rhythm.  Nice & slow & not too energetic".
She wiped away a tear & said "If that bloody ice cream van hadn't come along when it did he'd still be alive today!"
Sure it's old enough to have whiskers on!  But it made me laugh.
Still haven't come up with anything original!
Sending you felicitations (does that even make sense? )
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

'You are, sir, my obedient servant.

Mike, I read this quickly and my reaction was: “yeah, so”
And I read it a second time quickly and my reaction was again: “yeah, so”
And I read it a third time slowly, and the penny dropped, and my reaction was: “Brilliant!!”

So I began to wonder what had made my brain read the usual valediction and not what you had written. I did a little research and found these two articles.

• Why your brain can read jumbled letters
  
• Why your mind can read words where some letters are replaced by numbers

But these only explain how the brain handles single words.  I am assuming there is an extension of the theory which explains that if you have an expectation of what a sentence will contain, that is what you sometimes read even if the words say something different. Is this a common phenomenon or is it only me?.

Anyway, Mike, when I got my brain into gear, Brilliant!!

[mkenuk]

I take no credit for it, Jack.
It was, as I said, a teacher I worked with many years ago in, I think, my second teaching post who should take the credit.

By the way, I think it's a valediction (the end of a letter) rather than a  salutation, the greeting ('Dear X') which comes at the start.

Once a teacher...............

[Ozzyjack]

it's a valediction (the end of a letter) rather than a  salutation, the greeting ('Dear X') which comes at the start.

Once a teacher...............

Yes, Sir.  I have written that out 100 times and amended the copy.
Thanks, Mike.

P.S.  English is my second language. Strine is my first.

[mkenuk]

P.S.  English is my second language. Strine is my first.

I can remember a book from many years ago called Let Stalk Strine.

I don't suppose it's available now, but it was set out like a genuine language book, English ('Good-day') on one side of the page and Strine (G'day) on the other.

I think 'Let Stalk Strine' was the first, but there were others. I can remember 'Larn Yerself Geordie' for instance, from my neck of the woods (Tyneside, Northeast England)

Perhaps the funniest of all was the great Scottish comedian Stanley Baxter, whose weekly TV show always included a short sketch called 'Parliamo Glesca' - Glaswegian for beginners.
It was hilarious.

Wikipedia doesn't have an entry for Let Stalk Strine but it is mentioned in the page on Strine

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strine

[Ozzyjack]

I can remember a book from many years ago called Let Stalk Strine.

I don't suppose it's available now, but it was set out like a genuine language book, English ('Good-day') on one side of the page and Strine (G'day) on the other.

Mike, I managed to track an article on the origin of strine.

Let Stalk Strine

I also looked in Amazon Australia and they have limited copies of the Omnibus publication comprising the four Afferbeck Lauder books.  They have one less now as I have ordered a copy.
 

Strine: Text Classics Paperback – 26 Apr 2012
by Afferbeck Lauder (Author)

• Hardcover $79.71 1 New from $79.71
  
• Paperback $9.99 6 New from $9.99

Introduced by John Clarke Do you sign on the dotted lion? Is your tea nature Orpheus rocker? Who is Charlie Charm Puck in 'Waltzing Matilda'? There was never any book about Australian speech like Strine or about posh British speech like Fraffly Well Spoken. This edition includes all four Afferbeck Lauder books, with a new foreword by John Clarke. These pages are full of mare chick momence. Tiger look and start torgon Strine!

Must rush.  I've just been called for our oil and Balsamic ritual.