Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 819956 times)

2dognight

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5145 on: December 07, 2020, 07:13:54 PM »
Hi Les

Loved that story.  Every time I think about it I laugh

Carol

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5146 on: December 07, 2020, 08:15:43 PM »
I agree Carol.  That's hilarious Les!  Just what I needed to cheer up a very cold, very foggy Monday morning :)
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5147 on: December 07, 2020, 09:53:15 PM »
Hi Jack
I'm
this morning!

Quite busy on fracture clinic so it's just a quick one this morning.  I can't match Les' very funny story but I'll see what I can find in between patients!

Here's one I used earlier - no idea when - but it still tickles me ;D
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 yards away?' 'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records.  What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton, English comedian.

      

Sorry...
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5148 on: December 07, 2020, 10:52:13 PM »
I came across this story on the internet.
Although it is dated 1881, it appealed to me because i could relate some aspects of the story to my own childhood & upbringing.
Perhaps some other formuites might feel the same sentiment.

It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me.

Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not from receiving.

It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn't been enough money to buy me the rifle that I'd wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible.

After supper was over, I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn't in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn't get the Bible, instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn't figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn't worry about it long though, I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.

Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. "Come on, Matt," he said. "Bundle up good, it's cold out tonight." I was really upset then. Not only wasn't I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see. We'd already done all the chores, and I couldn't think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this. But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one's feet when he'd told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens. Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn't know what.

Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn't going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load. Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn't happy.

When I was on the sled, Pa pulled it around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. "I think we'll put on the high sideboards," he said. "Here, help me." The high sideboards! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.

After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood -- the wood I'd spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting. What was he doing?

Finally I said something. "Pa," I asked, "what are you doing?"

"You been by the Widow Jensen's lately?" he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I'd been by, but so what?

"Yeah," I said, "Why?"

"I rode by just today," Pa said. "Little Jakey was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They're out of wood, Matt."

That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the woodshed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait. When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. "What's in the little sack?" I asked.

"Shoes. They're out of shoes. Little Jakey just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn't be Christmas without a little candy."

We rode the two miles to the Widow Jensen's pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn't have much by worldly standards. Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn't have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy?

Really, why was he doing any of this? The Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn't have been our concern. We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible. Then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, "Who is it?"

"Lucas Miles, Ma'am, and my son, Matt. Could we come in for a bit?"

The Widow Jensen opened the door to let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. The Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.

"We brought you a few things, Ma'am," Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it. She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children -- sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last. I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn't come out.

"We brought a load of wood, too, Ma'am," Pa said. He turned to me and said, "Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let's get that fire up to size and heat this place up." I wasn't the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat, and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too. In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn't speak. My heart swelled within me and a joy that I'd never known before filled my soul. I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.

I soon had the fire blazing and everyone's spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and the Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn't crossed her face for a long time. She finally turned to us. "God bless you," she said. "I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us."

In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again. I'd never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after the Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it.

Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes. Tears were running down the Widow Jensen's face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn't want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.

At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, "The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We'll be by to get you about eleven. It'll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here, hasn't been little for quite a spell." I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away. Widow Jensen nodded and said, "Thank you, Brother Miles. I don't have to say, 'May the Lord bless you,' I know for certain that He will."

Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn't even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, "Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn't have quite enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that. But on the way I saw little Jakey out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do. Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand."

I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on the Widow Jensen's face and the radiant smiles of her three children.

For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered. And remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life.

I hope life brings you much success.
I wish you a very happy day.


 
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Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5149 on: December 08, 2020, 02:04:41 AM »
Hi Pen and Les

Great posts, Les.

My computer is playing up so this will be short.

I don’t think this one compares with Les’s two, but it does have the virtue of being short.



From the archives, 16th November 2018
 
The last Psychiatric ward I visited, I asked the Doctor ‘How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?'.

'Well,' said the Doctor, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Doctor, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Now I know the answer, they are going to let me out next week.



Must go. Napoleon in the next bed wants to talk to me.
Regards, Jack

Dragonman

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5150 on: December 08, 2020, 03:35:42 AM »
A True Story

It was Boxing Day 1979, I was living in a Leicestershire village called Wymondham, in the pub called The Berkley Arms.
 The Hunt was coming back from a long and (thankfully) fruitless day. All of the horses looked tired but the one ridden by Lady Caroline Fairfax~Smythe looked particularly distressed.
Old George was leaning against the rail round the pub, pipe in one hand, pint in the other and tut tutting at the state of the mounts,
George called out to lady Caroline as she was going by '' Caroline, thy horse looks knackered''   
Without turning Lady Caroline replied '' George, you would be knackered if you had spent the last six hours between my thighs..
You are UNIQUE....just like everyone else

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5151 on: December 08, 2020, 06:58:06 AM »
Love that Gareth!  Made me roar with laughter :laugh:
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5152 on: December 08, 2020, 07:00:33 AM »
Quote

Great posts, Les.


Totally agree Jack.  Yours wasn't too shabby either :laugh:
I've had a long day & feel a bit knacked so going to slump in my comfy chair :-P

If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5153 on: December 08, 2020, 10:44:44 AM »
Hi Pen,

I have fixed my computer problems, I hope.  The keyboard was giving spurious results which made it almost impossible to compose things.  I gave the terminals a good dosing with methylated spirits and, at least for the time being, everything is humming along.  Much the same works for me when I have a good dosing of malt whisky. :D

I am tied up with family duties today, so a quick post presenting 2 old and 1 new.

20 August 2019

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

18 February 2020

Blue decided to take Sheila to the Bowral Café for lunch. Blue looked at the menu and said, "They've got sheep tongues on the menu. I think I'll have that. What about you?"

Sheila said, "No, I couldn't eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth."

"What would you like then?” said Blue

Sheila said, "I think I'll have an egg.".


8 December 2020

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska.

He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the loggers finished off the bear. The men dragged the grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck and tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed "I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked, "Who was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get a fresh one?"



« Last Edit: December 08, 2020, 11:33:24 AM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5154 on: December 08, 2020, 10:37:24 PM »
Hi Jack

Another very busy day!  Least it makes the time go quick though I'm not sure I should be wishing my life away.

I read your post this morning at 6.30am while I was drinking my early morning cuppa & it made me really howl :laugh:  That's at least twice now you've been responsible for me nearly spitting out my tea :laugh:

I've had a quick shufty through some old posts & found 3 I posted back in January before these horrible dark times.  They're not a patch on crushed nuts >:D

Not as funny as yours but not bad.
What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
 A snake in the brass.

A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!'
 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
 "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

      

Nearly lunchtime thank goodness :)

« Last Edit: December 08, 2020, 10:39:51 PM by Hobbit »
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5155 on: December 09, 2020, 05:48:34 AM »
Hi Pen,

It’s 4.30 and a bit cool (19oC) on the patio this morning. 

We’ve got to get away early this morning and so I only have time for 2 stories from the archives.



2 December 2018 (edited)

Some time ago but since Dinosaurs roamed the earth, Blue and Sheila toured in Wales.  On their way they saw a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decided to go there.

In the main street, they had a big blue (no pun intended) about how to pronounce the town’s name.  They were hungry and went into an establishment for lunch.  The only other customer was a woman called Anona.  They asked Anona, “could you please settle an argument for us?

 Anona nodded.

Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”

Anona says very slowly, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.



28 October 2018

Quote from: Peter Fitzsimons

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question: "Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Parliament.



Enjoy your Hump Day.

Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5156 on: December 09, 2020, 06:51:36 AM »
Quote

It’s 4.30 and a bit cool (19oC) on the patio this morning. 

We’ve got to get away early this morning


Hi Jack

It was 2o when I drove home from work at 5pm.  Hasn't warmed up much all day though at least the fog seems to be disappearing at long last.

I laughed at your jokes & I also laughed at your comment about an early get away ;D  I've obviously got a slightly warped sense of humour as the first thing that crossed my mind was that it sounds like you're on the run from the rozzers!!  The more I thought about it the more I laughed.  June & yourself as Australia's answer to Bonnie & Clyde or are you driving the getaway car for Blue in some nefarious scheme :laugh:

Sorry I'll grow up & act my age & not my shoe size >:D

           

Leave you with a small random selection. Bit tired!



« Last Edit: December 09, 2020, 06:54:25 AM by Hobbit »
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5157 on: December 09, 2020, 10:06:38 PM »
Hi Jack

Got my sensible head on this morning :)  Yet another busy day at work - quite a few patients in the fracture clinic waiting room.  The fog's gone hurrah!  Still chilly but 5o is an improvement on 0o yesterday!

Found a couple of old jokes which I thought merited repetition!

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims, 'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!'
The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into, 'Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it.'
This continues with the next patient, 'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!'
'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.'
'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor replied, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

          




If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5158 on: December 10, 2020, 06:00:54 AM »
Hi Pen,

Another beautiful morning in paradise or at least it will be when I have cleared the fog in my head with a cup of coffee.

The reason we had to make our getaway early yesterday was so we wouldn’t be held up in traffic. :D

Bonnie has discovered ghekkoes on the roof of the patio each evening.  This is her trying to work out a way to get up to them

   

Coffee has arrived, so I'll get this off before you settle in your chair with a glass of cheer >:D.
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5159 on: December 10, 2020, 06:36:13 AM »
Quote

The reason we had to make our getaway early yesterday was so we wouldn’t be held up in traffic. :D

Bonnie has discovered ghekkoes on the roof of the patio each evening.  This is her trying to work out a way to get up to them


Thanks Jack.  I was hoping for something a little more exciting than beating the traffic!!

Cracking picture of Bonnie - she's grown again since you last posted a picture of her!

Loved the disappointing moments in history :laugh:

Very knacked this evening so I will be settling in my chair fairly shortly.

Penx
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...