Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 326465 times)

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5130 on: December 03, 2020, 01:48:44 AM »
Hi Jack

A flying visit as it seems to be rather busy today!  I'm taking tomorrow off so I have four lovely days to relax & re-charge my batteries :)  The forecast is diabolical but I really don't give a monkeys ;D

         

Thought you might like a couple of Dad jokes!
An ancient Greek scholar takes his trousers to the tailor to be repaired.
"Euripidies?"  asked the tailor.
"Yes, eumendies?"  replied the scholar.

What is white, light & sugary & swings through the trees...?
A meringue-utan!

What do you call a dry parrott?
Polyunsaturated!

I'm a little tired & short of inspiration today :-Y



Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5131 on: December 03, 2020, 06:08:27 AM »
Hi Pen,

I had a similarly bad inspiration day.  I came up with three good items and when I did a quick search, found I had already used them.  I was tempted to use the 2018 one to see if anyone remembered.

So this is also a quickie to catch you before you settle down with a glass of your pink nectar.

      

One evening Blue stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot.  So he thought he’d give a hoot back.
To his surprise and delight, the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.  All Summer, Blue and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversations.”  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, Sheila had a chat with her next-door neighbour.

My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” Sheila commented.

That’s odd,” the neighbour replied. “So does my husband.”
« Last Edit: December 03, 2020, 06:11:00 AM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5132 on: December 03, 2020, 06:22:08 AM »
Quote
I was tempted to use the 2018 one to see if anyone remembered.

So this is also a quickie to catch you before you settle down with a glass of your pink nectar.
Quote

Thanks Jack.  I've got some Sicilian lemon gin.  Am contemplating a large one with tonic instead of my usual pink >:D

Should have used the 2018 one!  Willing to bet I certainly wouldn't remember it :laugh:

Blue joke really tickled me!

Going to conk out in my armchair in front of the box :-Y

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5133 on: December 03, 2020, 09:35:22 PM »
Should have used the 2018 one!  Willing to bet I certainly wouldn't remember it :laugh:

Hi Pen,

I wasn’t sure until I checked that I had used them before.  It is probably inevitable that some duplicates will slip through, but I think it is a good policy not to use repeats if we can avoid it.  We have agreed that our public exchanges are not only for our own amusement but for the entertainment of forumites who enjoy our posts, and some of them have good memories.  We have also made it clear there is an open invitation in our exchanges for others to join in and we are delighted when they do so. 

Also, I believe the people who contribute to the thread outside of our conversation have become a real community of friends and I expect this will become more so now that Les has re-joined us.


I am not sure whether this is true or not but I did find it amusing.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5 . Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9 .Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

and remember





Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5134 on: December 04, 2020, 04:29:03 AM »
Quote
I wasn’t sure until I checked that I had used them before.  It is probably inevitable that some duplicates will slip through, but I think it is a good policy not to use repeats if we can avoid it.  We have agreed that our public exchanges are not only for our own amusement but for the entertainment of forumites who enjoy our posts, and some of them have good memories.  We have also made it clear there is an open invitation in our exchanges for others to join in and we are delighted when they do so. 

Also, I believe the people who contribute to the thread outside of our conversation have become a real community of friends and I expect this will become more so now that Les has re-joined us.

Hi Jack

I completely agree on all points & very well put if I may say so.

I found a story that made me laugh & I was certain I had used it before but I've searched thoroughly & can't find it so, fingers crossed, here goes...

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?' She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children' Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.'
'No,' she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

I suspect I'm becoming paranoid!!

      

I enjoyed the Washington Post article.  I like to think it's true but it's easy to pull the wool over my eyes :laugh:
I've had a busy morning & a very lazy afternoon - even managed a small snooze.  The rain hasn't let up all day but I did go for a small walk before it got dark.  Got a little damp to say the least!

Off to have a rummage in the fridge to find some grub :-H
« Last Edit: December 04, 2020, 04:31:15 AM by Hobbit »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5135 on: December 04, 2020, 10:29:30 PM »
I found a story that made me laugh & I was certain I had used it before but I've searched thoroughly & can't find it so, fingers crossed, here goes...
I suspect I'm becoming paranoid!!
I enjoyed the Washington Post article.

Hi Pen,

Just because they are all out to get you doesn’t prove you are paranoid. :D

Your memory is good, Pen, you used it on 24 July 2019 but it was hard to track down.  While doing so I came across a number of our better efforts.  It prompted me to think we should have a competition for publishing the best story from our previous posts.

I can’t get into the Washington Post.  They have barred me unless I take out a subscription but from a 3rd party source here is some more of their annual awards.

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.

13. You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought ? She'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.



« Last Edit: December 04, 2020, 10:48:02 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5136 on: December 05, 2020, 04:17:08 AM »
Quote
Your memory is good, Pen, you used it on 24 July 2019 but it was hard to track down.  While doing so I came across a number of our better efforts.  It prompted me to think we should have a competition for publishing the best story from our previous posts.

'Ey up Jack
I'm a bit cross about that as I did spend quite a bit of time looking for it :-R  Never mind it's just one of those things.  I like the idea of the competition.  Will there be a prize?  A decent bottle of Australia's finest pink plonk shipped to my door? >:D  or a bottle of Sauv Blanc from your neighbours across the way? :laugh:  Joking apart it is a very good idea :)

I very much enjoyed your article for Lexophiles :)  I am rather concerned that you obtained it by somewhat nefarious means :o  Hope the good folks at the Washington Post don't catch up with you :laugh:

      

I used to be a fortune teller but I only ever predicted terrible winters...
Turns out the crystal ball shop sold me a snow globe!

A lumberjack once told me that he'd cut down 25,572 trees.  "How do you know exactly how many?" I asked.
"Easy" he replied "I keep a log!"

My neighbour's wife asked him for something in silk for Christmas this year...
I don't think she'll be too thrilled with a tin of blue emulsion!

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns...
Then I realised toucan play at that game!

Leave you with a few naff jokes ;D  We have salmon en croute in the oven yummy :-H

« Last Edit: December 05, 2020, 04:20:59 AM by Hobbit »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5137 on: December 06, 2020, 02:15:26 AM »
I like the idea of the competition. 

Hi Pen,

I think I let my mouth run away before engaging the brain.   The concept is great but so would be the workload to do it justice.  It would be too much to troll through the 343 pages we have generated.  Perhaps a compromise would be from time to time to search for a particular item we thought qualified.  The challenge to other forumites would be to submit an item that topped one of those published. Les probably has a million of them.  I’ll start the ball rolling in my next post.


     

Finally, a naff story that I am to tired to fully edit.

HARD WORK...
 
 
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
 
  He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
 
  One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
 
  - What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
 

  The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
 
  - Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
 
  "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
 
  - What's your name?  –Asks the Director.
 
  - John Smith H.
 
  The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
 
  - Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
 
  - Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.
 

  The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
 
  - Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

  At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
 
  - We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.
 

  Mr. Smith began his story:
 
  - I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
 
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
 

It’s time for



Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5138 on: December 06, 2020, 04:53:39 AM »
Quote
I think I let my mouth run away before engaging the brain.   The concept is great but so would be the workload to do it justice.  It would be too much to troll through the 343 pages we have generated. Les probably has a million of them.  I’ll start the ball rolling in my next post.

You're right Jack!  In my enthusiasm I didn't consider the logistics :laugh:  I'm sure Les must have plenty to contribute :)  He must have at least a million :laugh:


Can you explain please?  Is it that you were too full of pie to eat dinner? ;D  Sorry maths has never been my strong point >:D

Once upon a time there was a King who was only twelve inches tall...
He was a terrible King but made a great ruler!

A little old lady was walking down the high street when she noticed the fishmonger standing in the doorway of his shop,  throwing fish to an angler standing on the pavement.
The fisherman caught half a dozen trout & then said "Thanks Joe.  I can now go home & honestly tell my wife I caught six fish today!"

            

I've been given a 5 minute warning to get my laptop off the table so Zoe can get dinner out!


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5139 on: December 06, 2020, 05:57:52 AM »
Can you explain please?

The square root of -1 is known as " lower case I".  When I tried to show it here the autocorrect kept capitalising it. ???
23 is eight
The symbol Σ (sigma) is generally used to denote a sum
and you've twigged the symbol for Pi.

This is my first historic item.  I've set the bar low.

21 July 2019

I went to a swish restaurant in Sydney recently.

As the waiter seated me I accidentally knocked a spoon onto the floor.  Quick as a flash, he whipped a spoon out of his pocket and placed it on the table.  I said it was not necessary as I was perfectly happy to use the dropped spoon.  He said “it is a rule of the house that we must replace any cutlery that falls on the floor with clean ones.  We don’t believe in the 5-second rule here

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.   So I asked the waiter “Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He asked whether I had heard of Deloittes.   I said I had as a friend of mine had a relative who worked for them.  He then explained, "The boss hired Deloittes to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. Approximately 3 spoons per table per hour are dropped. If our staff carry spoons, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.  I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of his zipper. Looking around, I saw that all the waiters had string hanging from their zips. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, can you tell me why you have that string there?"

Then the waiter lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. Deloitte's also suggested we can save time in the toilet. By tying this string to the tip of our willies, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 45%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

He whispered, "Deloittes didn't mention that in the report, so, we use the spoon."
Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5140 on: December 06, 2020, 06:49:05 AM »
Thanks for the explanation Jack.  Makes perfect sense now you've told me!

I had forgotten that joke & it made me howl :laugh:  Didn't see the punchline coming!  I'll have a search tomorrow & see what I can dig up!  I'm a little weary tonight :-Y  Going to look for a few words then see if I can something suitable on the box to accompany my favourite tipple ;)


Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5141 on: December 06, 2020, 08:10:53 PM »
Hi Pen,

Almost time for the Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, and crusty bread ritual.  I've left something out but you'll guess what it is.

   

Blue told me that Sheila is becoming increasingly suspicious as she grows old.  If he comes home early, she accuses him of wanting something.  If he comes home late, she accuses him of already having had it.

I told him that life is like being a piece of toilet paper.  One day you are on a roll, the next you are taking crap from some bum.

I reminded Blue that if you see a sign in a public toilet that says “wet floor” remember it is not meant as a request.



Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5142 on: December 07, 2020, 12:55:00 AM »
Quote
Almost time for the Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, and crusty bread ritual.  I've left something out but you'll guess what it is.

Hi Jack

I've racked my brains & wondered if it was a nice cup of tea you left out >:D
       
Not sure if the last one will stick.  It's from e-Bay & may disappear.  Hope not!

Here's one from the dusty archives!  It really tickled me :laugh:
Jack was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredibly painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles"
Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer but eventually decided that he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could now make a new beginning and live a long & pain-free life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jack tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Jack thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Jack and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeves and... 16 and a half neck"
Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jack tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Jack's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Jack was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Jack tried on the shoes and they were a perfect fit. Jack walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Jack said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Jack's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Jack was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat also fits perfectly. Jack was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Jack thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist, and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Jack laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

I'll finish where I started...
      


 


« Last Edit: December 07, 2020, 12:59:45 AM by Hobbit »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5143 on: December 07, 2020, 06:02:14 AM »
Hi Pen,

What a fantastic post.

You've expertly got revenge for me calling your favorite tipple Pink Muck.  Good guess that it wasn't a nice cup of tea. >:D

You certainly dug deep in the archives to find one from December, 2017 by Les.

Les used to do it to me every time.  I would toss in what I thought was a good joke and he would come back with an even better one.  I'm sure he  :angel: was thinking of some other Jack when he submitted the joke.

I must go and get my cup of Moccona "brain awakener" and search for another classic from the past.
Cheers, Jack


“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama

les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5144 on: December 07, 2020, 06:37:41 PM »
A very wise & good friend, once told me that the funniest stories are often those that are true ;

I was visiting my sister one Christmas.
At the time, she only had one child, a very smart & beautiful little girl about 3 years old.
It's the day after Christmas & we are watching the Boxing day test match.
Lunch break in the cricket & sister grabs her hubby to duck down to the shops for some fresh bread.
Les, we will only be 5 minutes but just keep an eye on the little one, she is out on the patio playing with her new tea set.
A few minutes later my little niece, walking ever so slowly & carefully, brings me a " cup of tea " precariously balanced on a little saucer.
I take a sip ( it's just water ) thank you sweetie, i reckon that was the best cuppa that i have ever had.
But Uncle Les, you didn't drink it all & you haven't even eaten your biscuit.
So i skull the rest of the tea & mime eating my invisible biscuit.
I put on an expansive show about how delicious everything was so feeling very pleased with herself & with a huge smile on her cute little face she says " I'll make you another one " as she scoots off back out to the patio.

Now i'm sure that you all know what little kids are like, once they find something that is fun to do, they just want to do it over & over again.
So this exercise was repeated several times over the next 30 minutes.

There was a rather sad looking little pot plant tucked away in the corner of the room just beside my chair so at every opportunity when the little one was distracted i would empty my cuppa into the pot plant.

Some 45 minutes later, big sister finally returns from her " 5 minute " shopping trip with half a dozen bags of groceries & an exasperated husband who has missed the first two overs after the lunch break in the cricket.

Everything ok Les, has little Sharee been behaving herself ?
She has been an absolute delight, just check this out as i yell out to Sharee for another cup of tea please.
Mother watches on as little sharee carefully serves me with another cup of tea which i quickly drink down.
Oh Les, that is so great to see you getting on so well together but i should tell you that i never left her with any water & the only water that she can reach at her height is from the toilet bowl.

P.S. within a couple of days that tired & neglected old pot plant in the corner of the room sprouted some nice new green shoots.




















« Last Edit: December 07, 2020, 07:12:42 PM by les303 »