Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 811406 times)

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5115 on: November 27, 2020, 10:36:47 PM »
Hi Pen,

A bit of a rum lot today from the New Yorker.   I am not sure I am on a wavelength with American humour.  I daresay it is reciprocal.

    

I much prefer the old sea-side postcards but I fear there are few we haven’t used.



When times were tough, Blue and Sheila took on a boarder who, each evening prevailed upon them to lend the boarder a half (then a quarter, then an eighth and so on) of a banana and a piece of string. Each night, an explosion occurs in the room given to the boarder, increasing in violence as the quantity of banana decreases, beginning with a mere ruffling of the bedclothes and ending in the complete destruction of his room. Finally, with his house in a shambles, Blue begs to know what the boarder has done and the boarder at last agrees to tell him but only on the condition that Blue never tells anyone the secret.

•   And to this day he never has.


I’ll leave you with the weakest dad joke of the year.

What did Alexander the great and Smokey the bear have in common?

Their middle name.


Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5116 on: November 28, 2020, 02:13:02 AM »
Quote
  I am not sure I am on a wavelength with American humour.  I daresay it is reciprocal.

Me neither Jack!  Your Blue joke & Dad joke tickled me :laugh:

            

During his military service Elvis served with the bomb squad due to his experience with suspicious mines!

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic...
He said "Sure! Knock yourself out!"

My post is just like me - short & sweet >:D  Need to get the kettle on.  It's a cold foggy day here - hoping for better tomorrow!
« Last Edit: November 28, 2020, 02:14:34 AM by Hobbit »
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les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5117 on: November 28, 2020, 12:27:30 PM »
Just in case you may have forgotten, Jack ;


les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5118 on: November 28, 2020, 12:29:57 PM »
.

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5119 on: November 28, 2020, 03:34:09 PM »
I wouldn't have been worse off if I had forgotten. ???
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5120 on: November 28, 2020, 10:19:47 PM »
Hi Jack

Work for me again today :(  The only consolation is that it's a horrid, misty murky cold day!

A silly joke for you - it took me a minute or 2 for the penny to drop ;D
A farmer and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

           

Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

On that rather naff note I'm going to love you & leave you ;D


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Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5121 on: November 29, 2020, 01:58:36 AM »
Hi Pen,

It's a bit dark here too, Pen, but it's nearly 20oC.  :D

Did the cow go on to say “Made glorious summer by this sun of York; And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house.”.

Some great puns which I can’t hope to match this early in the morning.

   

 

 :-Z
« Last Edit: November 29, 2020, 02:03:10 AM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5122 on: November 29, 2020, 06:43:58 AM »
Quote

It's a bit dark here too, Pen, but it's nearly 20oC.  :D

Did the cow go on to say “Made glorious summer by this sun of York; And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house.”.


Oh Jack that's a temperature I can only dream of at present!  Our weather is typical horrid November weather at the moment.  The only drop of sun we've had lately was Thursday afternoon when I was, of course, at work :(

Very impressed you knew the rest of the Shakespeare quote :)
  or 

Going to find some toot telly to watch accompanied by a glass or 2 of some pink :)

If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5123 on: November 29, 2020, 11:39:27 PM »
Hi Pen

We came across to Coorparoo to dog sit Dusty while the family attended a function and I won’t have access to a computer until tomorrow morning and so I am taking a rain check on a post tonight. So far, Bonnie is taking it well.

Have a glass or two of pink muck for me.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2020, 11:42:07 PM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5124 on: November 30, 2020, 01:07:40 AM »
Hi Jack

What's a function? :laugh:  All functions seem a dim & distant memory!

I enjoyed two or three glasses of pink muck last night >:D  I have one glass left to enjoy this evening!

      

I may be on a repeat with one or 2 of those but I'm a bit knacked today :-Y

I'll leave you with a daft joke ;D  Better get a few jobs done :(
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife gave birth to a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were delighted.
When they got home the milkman was dead on the doorstep!

Hope the dog sitting passed without incident!

Penx



If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5125 on: November 30, 2020, 06:34:51 PM »
What's a function? :laugh:  All functions seem a dim & distant memory!
Hope the dog sitting passed without incident!

Hi Pen,

A function might have been gilding the lily a bit.  It was several parents of the classmates of my grandkids having dinner at one of their places while the kids frolicked in the pool.  The boys came home as tired as the pups were after 4 hours of scrapping.  Bonnie behaved impeccably overnight.  Before heading home, we went to the airport to pick up the final member of our pack who is up here to help us celebrate Christmas.

     


Blue had a part-time job as a Santa at the Capalaba shopping mall.  He was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and he asked, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied the young lady sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Blue. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A billionaire son-in-law.'

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus all got into the lift of the hotel. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 note lying on the lift's floor. Which one picked up the $100 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!


« Last Edit: November 30, 2020, 06:37:20 PM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5126 on: November 30, 2020, 09:56:21 PM »
Quote
A function might have been gilding the lily a bit.  It was several parents of the classmates of my grandkids having dinner at one of their places while the kids frolicked in the pool.  The boys came home as tired as the pups were after 4 hours of scrapping.  Bonnie behaved impeccably overnight.  Before heading home, we went to the airport to pick up the final member of our pack who is up here to help us celebrate Christmas.

Hi Jack

I enjoyed your post & it certainly brightened up a cold, grey Monday morning.  Loved the jokes :laugh:  Bet it's smashing having Andrew home for Christmas :)

You gild away!  I would give my eye teeth to go to the pub with my work colleagues & enjoy a meal & an evening out! 

         

There was an elderly priest who got fed up with his parishioners confessing to adultery.
One Sunday he stood in the pulpit & shouted "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well they were all fond of him so they came up with a code word.  In future somebody who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen"
This seemed to satisfy the priest & he carried on until he passed away at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived he visited the mayor & seemed very concerned.
"You have to do something about the pavements in town.  When people come into confessional they keep talking about having fallen!"
The mayor laughed as he realised that nobody had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain the priest shook an accusing finger at him & said "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"

Nearly lunchtime :-H

If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5127 on: December 01, 2020, 06:48:13 AM »
I would give my eye teeth to go to the pub with my work colleagues & enjoy a meal & an evening out! 

I wouldn't be so cavalier with those eye teeth, Pen.  I used to value mine but it would be easier to give them up these days.  I just have to take them, with the others, out of the glass by the bed every morning. >:D

I empathise with your misery caused by COVID.  That, by the grace of God and some of our politicians, could have been our situation and until we get a reliable vaccine we cannot be sure were are totally out of the woods.

I don't often cut our politicians much slack but on this issue, they have come up trumps. (ouch – that wasn’t a pun – quite the opposite).  Our Federal government acted swiftly and decisively and for a while put the health of the populace ahead of their traditional economic concerns and the Opposition didn't play politics.  We have a bunch of tough and independent State Premiers who were willing to stay the course despite the increasing criticism from the right-wingers.  The tougher they were, the more popular they got.  It shows, in my opinion, that if you level with Aussies, and explain why a sacrifice is needed, almost all will cooperate.

I will go searching for some humour and get back to you later.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 08:48:57 AM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5128 on: December 01, 2020, 05:27:59 PM »
Hi Again, Pen

   

The last one is especially for you.

Blue’s mate, Whisper, the one who was always avoiding a shout, wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay; you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn’t find it.”

Whisper groans, but the doctor goes on… “You do have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly S1,000 an inch"..

Whisper perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. I’ll give you the night to consider your options.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

Yes I have,” says Whisper.

And has she helped you make a decision?”

Yes,” says Whisper

What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

We’re getting a new $9000 kitchen.”






« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 05:30:51 PM by Ozzyjack »
Regards, Jack

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #5129 on: December 01, 2020, 08:58:25 PM »
Quote
I empathise with your misery caused by COVID.  That, by the grace of God and some of our politicians, could have been our situation and until we get a reliable vaccine we cannot be sure were are totally out of the woods.

Thanks Jack.  I think we're all just totally fed up with it now & there's no end in sight unless a reliable vaccine suddenly miraculously appears.  It hasn't been handled nearly as well here as it has there.  We didn't shut our doors quickly enough to start with & a lot of self entitled people here think that the rules simply don't apply to them.

Your post made me laugh :laugh:  Poor Whisper sounds like he's even more unlucky than Blue >:D
Radiographer Mike has just been round to tell us a joke.  Hope I can do it justice!

Three men are driving home on a very snowy Christmas Eve when their car skids out of control &, sadly, they all end up dead.
They arrive at the gates of Heaven to be greeted by St Peter.  He says to the three men I'm happy to let you in but you must show me something that relates to Christmas.
The first chap pulls a lighter out of his pocket which he lights & says "The eternal flame".  St Peter waves him through.
The driver of the car is next.  He pulls his car keys out of his pocket & jangles them & says "Sleigh bells".  He too is waved in with a smile.
The the third man starts searching through his pockets & pulls out a lacy bra & knickers.
St Peter stares at him & asks "What on earth have these got to do with Christmas...?"
The man replies "They're Carol's!"

Thought I'd stick with the teeth theme!
         

Think I may have used the last one before but I don't care because I like the sentiment :)

Better look lively!!
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 09:06:06 PM by Hobbit »
If life gives you lemons, add a large gin & some tonic...