More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

If you type UNITED KINGDOM into the box, you get the list of cities.  Bedford is not on it, but if you type BEDFORD you get a result.

This will give you a comparison with Brisbane


A walk down Memory Lane.

In July last year I posted a short punny joke.

Apparently, Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said, "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

A bit after a month later, you topped it with a better version of the same pun

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point where his feet became very thick & hard.  He was a very spiritual person.  Even when he was not on hunger strike he didn't eat very much so he became very thin & frail.  Because of his diet he ended up with very bad breath.  He became known as Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Blue told me the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef who was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?
"Gored on rams, see?"


Con asked Blue to help out as a waiter in the Paragon café.   As Blue gives a gentleman a cup of coffee, the gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to Blue and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

Blue, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”


Blue dreamt he found a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
Blue says, “I wish I were rich!

The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

 

[Hobbit]

Hi Again Jack

I think it's fair to say your weather outshines ours in every respect   But then if we had decent weather all year round whatever would I find to moan about

Great jokes   I enjoyed the rerun of the halitosis puns!  I don't know about you but I do forget some of the jokes after a time!!

Zoe & I are going to contemplate what film we can watch accompanied by a glass or 2 of red for her & pink plonk for me   Last week we watched San Andreas. Skyscraper the week before.  They're definitely among the top 20 naff disaster movies.  Hilarious!

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,



I started reading Ian Rankin's new John Rebus book A Song For The Dark Times yesterday (Saturday) and I couldn't put it down last night until I finished it and now I'm



and so I'll have to leave the usual post

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

No apology required! We have an agreement or should that be an arrangement? My friend Barbs & her husband John love the Rebus books.  I used to enjoy it on the telly but not so much the books. I like John Hannah as an actor but think Ken Stott was a better Rebus.

Zoe & I have had quite a busy day so I'm making a flying visit!

I saw an RAC mechanic just now driving in his van.
He looked very stressed & I thought to myself...
"He's heading for a breakdown!"

         

How Many Dogs does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

[Ozzyjack]

Zoe & I have had quite a busy day so I'm making a flying visit!

Hi Pen,

If you can put together a post as good as that on a flying visit, I am looking forward to one when you have plenty of time.

I have got an increasing number of books that I have not read (listened to) this year.  I used to read the Martin Walker (Bruno), Andrea Camilleri (Inspector Montelbano), Jacqueline Winspear (Maisie Dobbs), and Donna Leon (Commissario Guido Brunetti) books as soon as they became available.  But I did a stocktake and find I have an extensive backlog of those to get through.  As well, I bought several Anne Cleeves because I really liked the TV series Vera and Shetland and various other books that I thought I would like.  None of them have been touched.  Perhaps this will provide me with a New Year’s resolution rather than giving up the things that I like.

     

 

Blue: CAN I HAVE A BURGER AND CHIPS?
Librarian: This is a library!
Blue: (whispers) Can I have a burger and chips?


Me: I found a root vegetable in my reading material.
Blue:  That would be a turnip for the books.


Blue decided to go in the Draught Horse Derby at the annual Agricultural Show which is held at the beginning of December. After they had gone two furlongs, Blue is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he comes into the back straight. With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeds in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

You'll be able to sit in your beautiful garden & enjoy all those books   Perhaps with a small glass of something nice

The hamper joke made me roar with laughter - I didn't see it coming!  Love it
This isn't so funny but it might tickle you

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"

      

I think I'm in need of a cuppa & my book   Can't believe it's nearly Monday again already

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

I think I'm in need of a cuppa

How do you like it, Pen?  Where do you sit in the spectrum?  I wonder about others in the forum.




   

And one for a friend of ours.




A clergyman called on one of his Bletchley lady parishioners hoping for a cup of tea and a chat.

When he rang the doorbell, no-one answered, although he was sure he could hear someone moving around in the house; so eventually he wrote on a visiting card "Revelation 3:20" and went away

Later while he was at home, he heard a sound from the letterbox, and on going to look, he found another card on which was written "Genesis 3:10"

The clergyman knew, and I am sure you do too –

Revelation 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
Genesis 3:10: I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.


Three women from Milton Keynes University Hospital were sitting around enjoying a cup of tea and a good old chin wag.  {names won’t be mentioned to protect the guilty}
.
Their conversation eventually turns to the subject of dating, and the first woman says “I would absolutely love to find a guy who has a tattoo of two dragons on his shoulder. That would be the man for me.”

The second woman responds with “You see. I would love to find a guy who’s got a tattoo of four dragons, but across his back. I know he would be perfect for me.”

The third woman replies “Well, sorry dears, those do sound like great men. But I guess I’m a little old fashioned. I would just love to find a man who’s got one draggin’ on the ground.”


I couldn’t go without a dad joke.

Why did Sherlock Holmes not want a second cup of tea in the emergency room?


Because it was   More ER Tea.

[blackrockrose]

On the subject of tea preferences, it's not just the amount of milk that makes it strong or weak, but the brew itself. I can't abide strong tea (so I'd be unable to drink Pen's cup of builders').

I prefer Earl Grey, on the weak side, with a moderate amount of milk.

[les303]

I'm obviously on the outre here but i prefer coffee.
It must be Moccona Mocha Kenya & at least number 6 strength but preferably number 10 taken with just a dash of milk.
I generally have 3 cups within an hour or so of waking up then no more until the next morning.

[Ozzyjack]

I converted from tea to coffee in the late 1960's.  My coffee is Moccona Indulgence which is No.10. It has to be black. I can't stomach coffee with milk in it.  I grew up on a dairy farm and saw too much of the raw product.

[Hobbit]

How do you like it, Pen?  Where do you sit in the spectrum? 

Hi Jack

I'm a bit Mondayish & grumpy this morning!

I'm between the 22% & 9% on the spectrum   My tea has to look a bit like creosote!  I'd rather have it black than too milky.  Like you I like my coffee black.  I don't drink coffee very often but when I do it has to be "proper" coffee & not instant.

Both your jokes were brilliant   Here's my offering
The rain was pouring down outside O'Connors Irish pub.
Standing in front of the pub next to a large puddle was an elderly Irish gent, soaked through.  He was holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped & asked him what he was doing.
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for him the gent says "Come in out of the rain & I'll buy you a drink"
Sitting by the fire in the warm pub enjoying their whiskies the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart arse, cannot resist asking
"so how many have you caught today?"
The elderly chap sipped his whiskey & said "You're the 8th!"

      
The first one's for you


Clinic's getting busy so I'd better give the appearance of being an efficient & hardworking receptionist

[Hobbit]

I prefer Earl Grey, on the weak side, with a moderate amount of milk.

I like Earl Grey Rose as well Rose.  But I have to have it as nature intended with no additives.  It's useful at work as I just add boiling water & jobs a good 'un!

[Linda]

Don't drink tea.  Don't drink milk or milk based products of any description.  Do drink lots of strong, black coffee.  Kenco Rich granules for ease or Westmorland Blend beans for when I can be bothered to wait for cafetiere to do its stuff.  There is a wonderful little shop in Kendal called Farrer's (established 1819) that sells coffee beans from jars - bliss!  If you are ever in Kendal, I urge you to visit.  It's also a cafe and I can vouch for the Cumberland sausage link and egg rolls ... yum!
 

[Hobbit]

Oh Linda why did you have to mention Cumberland sausage & egg rolls?  I'm really really hungry now
I don't think a ham & cheese roll will quite cut it now!
Zoe & I had intended to visit Kendal this year but the wretched virus has put paid to it   She previously lived in Kendal so I'm sure she'll know Farrer's
Hope your work is ticking along ok with not too many farmery farmers
Penx

[Linda]

Hi Pen - Not been on the Forum for a bit, don't know why but I'm here now!!  No farmer (smelly or otherwise) allowed in our office at moment without making an appointment and farmers tend just to turn up on a whim so am working in a 'farmyard smell' free zone at the moment!
Sorry to mention the sausage and egg roll - hope your lunch wasn't too much of a disappointment!  I'm sure Zoe will know Farrer's.  It's like stepping back in time and is one of my favourite shops in Kendal.  Perhaps you will visit next year, Covid allowing! 
Hope you're not too hassled at work and are managing to avoid all air borne nasties.