Author Topic: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)  (Read 309013 times)

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4920 on: October 21, 2020, 09:24:13 PM »
Hi Jack

Another smashing post.  The Blue joke about the emergency flashers made me roar with laughter! Seriously tickled me :laugh:  I'm having a bit of a morning at work - very busy & looking forward to lunch which is still an hour & a half away!  I know exactly what you mean - sometimes I just fall over stuff & other times it's a bit of a fruitless search.     

               

                     

les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4921 on: October 22, 2020, 06:45:36 PM »
quote author=Ozzyjack
Quote from: Hobbit
My car said it was 8[sup
o[/sup]C this morning ;D
Pen, we've been conversing for all this time and this is the first time you told me you have a car that can talk. >:D
I couldn't find any stories about talking cars. But I will make cars the theme for today.

Actually Jack, i can recall quite a few times over the years where Penny has referred to her " talking car " usually just telling her what the current temperature was or the upcoming weather forecast.
It has reminded me of a pretty ordinary American T.V. show that ran in the early eighties.
I think it was called Knight Rider & " starred " David Hasseloff of Bay Watch " fame ".
Anyway the real star of the show was the car ( called Kit ) which was not only indestructible but would talk to his driver & whenever they were in trouble, Kit would always come up with the solution.
It was a pretty ordinary show with it's concept of a car that talked to you & basically told you what to do & when to do it considered to be entirely fanciful.
Jump forward 40 odd years & all of a sudden it is not such a silly concept as all of today's modern cars do in fact talk to you & try to tell you what to do.
Equipped with state of the art communications screens & satellite navigation systems they either tell or show you how & when to do everything.
The younger generation seem to love these features but personally i do not like them.
Do you remember the insurance ad where the sat nav was telling the driver to go straight ahead off the end of a jetty?
I've been trying to find a copy of the ad without any luck, maybe you could help me out with that.
I enjoyed your joke about the retired bloke with nothing better to do than to agitate the parking officer but it has inspired me so you had better warn June  that if she is bringing Sealy into the city then she should park very carefully because rather than just receiving a minor parking fine, she may incur something much more expensive if i just happen to be in the vicinity & feeling a little bit bored.
Really loved the joke about the nun with the bed pan putting petrol in the car , can just imagine witnessing such a thing & thinking exactly the same as the characters in the joke.

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4922 on: October 22, 2020, 08:05:47 PM »
Hi Pen,

I am going to be really lazy tonight.  I had two more car jokes that I rejected as not making the grade but I will post them tonight.



Blue has a neighbour who is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  He was trying to sell his old car but was having a lot of problems because the car had 350,000 kilometres on it. One day he took his problem to Blue who told him: "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the neighbour, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said Blue. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 kilometres. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the neighbour made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Blue asked the neighbour: "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the neighbour, "why should I? It only has 50,000 kilometres on it."



Blue’s grandson drove his ratty, raggedy old car to Blue’s place to get some repair advice for his jalopy.

Blue looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," said the grandson, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"That's part of the problem," Blue said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."


Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4923 on: October 22, 2020, 08:53:39 PM »
Actually Jack, i can recall quite a few times over the years where Penny has referred to her " talking car " usually just telling her what the current temperature was or the upcoming weather forecast.

Hi Les,

You're probably right,  but I wouldn't spoil a good story with the facts. >:D

I used to watch Knight Rider too.  A good watch, enjoy, and forget series.

I couldn’t find your insurance ad either.

My Subaru has all those features that you hate but I love.  I guess exploiting and accepting change is more a function of flexibility of mind rather than physical age. .
« Last Edit: October 22, 2020, 10:38:18 PM by Ozzyjack »
Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4924 on: October 23, 2020, 03:16:06 AM »
Quote

I used to watch Knight Rider too.  A good watch, enjoy, and forget series.

I couldn’t find your insurance ad either.

My Subaru has all those features that you hate but I love.  I guess exploiting and accepting change is more a function of flexibility of mind rather than physical age. .

Hi Jack

I too used to watch, enjoy & forget Knight Rider.  I quite enjoyed The A Team as well & Starsky & Hutch!  In those days we didn't have the proliferation of channels & programmes that we have now.  Is it nostalgic of me to say that life seemed a bit simpler then?  Rose tinted specs I suspect :laugh:

I also had a search for Les's advert but failed miserably!

I do like a bit of technology but as you know it takes me a while to get to grips with stuff >:D

               

What do you call a man with a spade on his head...?
Doug
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head...?
Cliff
Leave you with a couple of really daft Dad jokes ;D


Well it soon will be :laugh:

les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4925 on: October 23, 2020, 02:58:24 PM »
Actually Jack, i can recall quite a few times over the years where Penny has referred to her " talking car " usually just telling her what the current temperature was or the upcoming weather forecast.

Hi Les,

You're probably right,  but I wouldn't spoil a good story with the facts. >:D

I used to watch Knight Rider too.  A good watch, enjoy, and forget series.

I couldn’t find your insurance ad either.

My Subaru has all those features that you hate but I love.  I guess exploiting and accepting change is more a function of flexibility of mind rather than physical age. .

G'day Jack, You are of course correct in every sense but i am afraid that i am just one of those people who does not like change & am always slow to accept & adapt to it.
I still find it very frustrating that whenever i ring a company to make an inquiry, the response is nearly always the same " well you just go line... " it makes me feel like i am doing their job for them.
And i certainly do not like being told what to do by anybody, weather it's by the government, politicians, women, security, management, women, doctors, road workers, women, computers & definitely talking bloody cars...anyway that's my little rant for today. (you might have picked up on the fact that i had bit of a blue with the girlfriend this morning).
I still can't find that ad i was looking for but did come across this clip from a current affairs show, hope this link works ;
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=video+of+japaneses+tourists+driving+into+ocean&&view=detail&mid=EDA95EC






les303

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4926 on: October 23, 2020, 03:07:03 PM »
Ok, while it says that video not available, just scroll down & click on the image of the block wearing the sunnies.
Like you have said before Jack, you just could not make this up.

P.S. don't forget that tomorrow is Saturday ( race day )

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4927 on: October 23, 2020, 06:02:47 PM »
Hi Les,

One of my embarrassing GPS incidents happened in Brisbane last year.  I seemed to be going in the right direction until it tried to take me up a bike path.  I discovered I had accidentally set it to walking rather than going by car.

In Europe about 10 years ago I got into a mess in the inter-connecting roundabouts on the outskirts of one town and after several attempts, the GPS told me to consult a map.

I would be the last one to lecture on accepting change in some areas.  I absolutely refuse to use the self service checkouts  at supermarkets.

If you had been married for 55 years, Les, you would have no problems taking orders. :D but in your case it would mean you married too young.

P.S.  I'll get around to the ponies.  My excuse is I am waiting for the late mail.
Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4928 on: October 23, 2020, 06:38:26 PM »
Hi Pen,

I don’t know what gave me the idea for these.

   

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Blue trained his dog to fetch him a beer...It may not sound too impressive, but he gets them from his neighbour’s fridge!

There was a man staying the night in Blue’s hotel. He called the front desk and said, “Excuse me, sir, I’ve got a leak in my sink.” Blue replied, “Oh, okay, go ahead, but most guests just use the toilet"


Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4929 on: October 24, 2020, 01:58:18 AM »
Quote

I don’t know what gave me the idea for these.


Can't imagine Jack  >:D  Your post properly tickled me :laugh:

Zoe spent a few days in Glastonbury earlier this week.  She's been studying very hard & rewarded herself with a short break.  She had a row with her satnav on the way down.  She drove from here past Oxford to the junction to join the A303 which goes past Stonehenge.  She needed the loo & could see the services but every time she started to pull over the satnav insisted "you must stay in the right hand lane"  In the end she did as she was told & had to wait for the next services!

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter...?
pumpkin pi!

If you wear a mask when you're alone in your car I'm going assume it's to control your urge to lick the window!

I went to an Indian restaurant the other evening.  After I had ordered a little old lady came up to my table and said "Aren't you polite.  You have such lovely manners"
Apparently it was my complimentary nan!

      
Wonder if that last one's a picture of Blue? :laugh:

Talking of older telly programmes do you remember Miami Vice?
I loved Sonny Crockett & his Ferrari :-*

Many, many moons ago when Adam was a lad & I was working in the bank our local radio station ran a 'phone in quiz.  The prize was a pizza delivered to your work place.  One of my colleagues was asked, on the radio, "what is the car driven by Don Johnson in Miami Vice?"
her answer?  "a Ferrari testosterone!" >:D
She didn't get her pizza!

I'm off to see if I can solve Gareth's puzzle - May need your help!!
« Last Edit: October 24, 2020, 02:13:43 AM by Hobbit »

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4930 on: October 24, 2020, 02:58:07 AM »
I'm off to see if I can solve Gareth's puzzle - May need your help!!

I have no effin idea.  >:D
Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4931 on: October 24, 2020, 12:46:04 PM »
Hi Pen,

I hope you are going to have a great day.  I can’t think of a theme today.

     

 

and here's one for you to use tomorrow!!

 

Blue and Curly, his bald mate, are having a birthday drink together. Curly says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” Blue replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.



Blue and Sheila had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 160 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her brand new bathroom scales.



I haven’t looked at the horses yet but I better spend 5 minutes on it or Les will go crook at me again.

Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4932 on: October 25, 2020, 02:51:23 AM »
Quote
I hope you are going to have a great day.  I can’t think of a theme today.



I haven’t looked at the horses yet but I better spend 5 minutes on it or Les will go crook at me again.

Hi Jack

Thanks for a brilliant & funny post.  Zoe & I are having an enjoyable day in spite of the weather being considerably less than clement!
That expression really tickles me!  Mostly we sing from the same hymn sheet but just now & then you sneak in a proper Aussieism.  Fab :laugh:  Anyway I hope you did well picking your gee gees as I think you were trailing behind Les & Jackie :o

We're having pizza delivered a little later followed by lemon gin & tonic which will be followed by pink muck for me & red for Zoe :)

            

Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries...?
Because the prose outweigh the cons!

"I'm a bit nervous about this cruise..."
"Well go & listen to some music then, there's a band on ship"
"There's a what...?"
"A BAND ON SHIP!"

Must get our pizza's ordered :-H



Ozzyjack

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4933 on: October 25, 2020, 08:29:51 PM »
Hi Pen,

I have heard the expression “it never rains but it pours”.  Our place is the epitome of this.  I don’t think we would have got more than an inch (25mm) since we got here.

The forecast was for a bit of rain this weekend, so yesterday I went down to Bunnings, our hardware chain, and bought a rain gauge and installed it about 2 pm.  The rain came down at 3 pm and lasted for a couple of hours.  This morning, I measured 39mm (a bit over 1.5 inches).  It felt like more.

It was a beautiful morning apart from the humidity (26oC) when we walked Bonnie at 8.  It got a bit dark at midday and then at 1 all hell broke loose.  Rain, hail, high winds, thunder, and lightning.  At one stage, I even considered abandoning the patio and going inside.  I thought I might hide in the room under the stairs  >:D and then I remembered that our place is single storey. But Bonnie was unfazed and so I hid behind her and enjoyed the exhibition.

I followed the storm on the radar and it appeared we were on the very edge of the path.  Also, I understand it is small beer compared with what we expect in January and February.

Nevertheless, I hope Moyra and Les didn’t get caught out in it.

Hail at Mt Cotton near us

Well, that’s enough of the real world.


   

As Blue was shopping, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system: "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."


I told you about Blue’s neighbour who was a couple of bob short of a quid.  Well, he had a brother who was no smarter.  One day they locked their keys in their car. For privacy reasons I won’t name them but here’s how the conversation went:
Brother 1: "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
Brother 2: "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
Brother 1: "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
Brother 2:,"No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
Brother 1: "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain, and the sunroof is open."


Cheers, Jack


“For fools rush in where angels fear to tread" - Alexander Pope in his 1711 poem 'An Essay on Criticism.”

Hobbit

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Re: More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)
« Reply #4934 on: October 26, 2020, 02:27:49 AM »
Quote

I have heard the expression “it never rains but it pours”.  Our place is the epitome of this.  I don’t think we would have got more than an inch (25mm) since we got here.

It got a bit dark at midday and then at 1 all hell broke loose.  Rain, hail, high winds, thunder, and lightning.  At one stage, I even considered abandoning the patio and going inside.  I thought I might hide in the room under the stairs  >:D and then I remembered that our place is single storey. But Bonnie was unfazed and so I hid behind her and enjoyed the exhibition.


Hi Jack

I very much enjoyed your post :laugh:  Were you having a small dig at me by any chance?   In the absence of a cupboard under the stairs I would probably have been hiding under the bed :laugh:  The hailstones were enormous :o  Much bigger & they'd have passed for golf balls!  We've had so much rain in the last few days I think your rain gauge would have overflowed by now if it was in my garden!  I'm so pleased that Bonnie wasn't bothered by the storm :)

We put our clocks back last night so I'm all out of kilter.  For some stupid reason I'll spend the next few days trying to work out what time it would have been had we not altered the clocks!  Bonkers!

            

Kylie was on her way to visit an old school friend, Charlene, who had just acquired two new dogs.  When she arrived Kylie asked what their names were.
Charlene responded by saying that one was called Rolex & the other called Timex.
Kylie was baffled & said "Whoever heard of somebody naming dogs like that?"
"Helllooooooo..." answered Charlene "They're watch dogs!"

My post is a little like me today - small but beautifully formed >:D
(I wish!)

« Last Edit: October 26, 2020, 02:29:29 AM by Hobbit »