More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[les303]

So moving right along....

It's a shame to hear about the state of disrepair that the Big Ben is currently in, they say that it will take several years to properly repair even with everyone working around the clock.

[Hobbit]

G'day Jack

I'm very pleased it's Thursday & looking forward to my weekend with no interruption for work

         

The Judge had given Blue's cousin, Bruce a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of a fifty dollar fine. 'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. 'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said Bruce. 'And why not?' 'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!'

I'm (hopefully!) going to attach a picture which I took this morning after I parked my car.  It tickled me - hope it does you too

Sorry it didn't work & stretched

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

He looks like he could do with a good feed.

I think you kept him waiting a bit long.

[Hobbit]

Thanks Jack
Don't know what I did wrong!
Our car parks work on number plate recognition.  Somebody said he's still waiting for the barrier to rise to get in the car park

[Ozzyjack]

This story is not funny, Pen, but it tickled me as much, if not more, than any funny story I have posted.

A man and his Border Collie were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
 
He remembered dying, and that the Border Collie walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
 
After awhile, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble...At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
 
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
 
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
 
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
 
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
 
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
 
"Can my friend," gesturing towards his Border Collie, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
 
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
 
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
 
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
 
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
 
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.
 
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
 
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
 
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
 
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
 
"This is Heaven," he answered.
 
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
 
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
 
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
 
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
 

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

I received the following in an e-mail from my mate Peter.  I think one or two are funny but I am still trying to translate the patter

For those of you not fluent in The Patter (Glasgow's dialect), here is a glossary that may help.

fae = from 
affa = 'off a' or "awfu(l)
a wa' = away or a wall
Glasgwegians pronounce 'many' like English pronounce 'money'
doo or do'e = dove or pigeon
Skean dhu is the dagger Scots in full Highland dress wear tucked down one long sock. Pronounced like skiin(g) doo.  Aviemore is a ski resort.
Juan sounds like wan = one
Taiwan = tie wan = tie one

Cheers
Peter

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'


A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.


Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's a wa' noo.


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'


Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.


A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.


What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.


What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.


A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'


Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I love the story of the man with his border collie. It tickled me too

I'm at a bit of a loss with the Scottishness   I got a few of them but I'm going to have to read it again tomorrow when I'm a little less tired

[Ozzyjack]

I think I can workout the intent of all but the one about the Scottish cowboy. Can anyone explain that to a Sassenach?
The only one that made me laugh was te piston broke one that I first heard before Les was born.

[auntiemo]

Comes from       Och aye, the noo.  Will explain later.

[auntiemo]

This is a quote from  Wikipedia... from the Scottiicism listing.

An archetypal example of an overt Scotticism is "Och aye the noo", which translates as "Oh yes, just now". This phrase is often used in parody by non-Scots and althogh the phrases "Och aye" and "the noo" are in common use by Scots separately, they are rarely used together.

I have been transported back many years whilst reading Examples....so many expressions from my childhood and teens...all "read" in my head in my Granny's Glasgow accent. I won't be reading them aloud, as I know what my accent would instantly become...my Granny!!!!

[mkenuk]

Stanley Baxter was the undisputed King of the 'Glesca patter merchants'

Fortunately there is still a fair bit of his material available.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Lk7qivXbw&t=80s

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Thought you would want to know this




     

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom. The teacher asked them, “Why are you arguing?”
One of the boys replied, “We found a ten-dollar note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten-dollar note to the teacher.

[Ozzyjack]

Thanks, Moyra, I now get it.
Thanks, Mike, I understood about half of that.

[Hobbit]

I think I can workout the intent of all but the one about the Scottish cowboy.
The only one that made me laugh was te piston broke one that I first heard before Les was born.

Hi Jack

I'm with you on that   Though I have to admit that I thought that this was Hawkeye?


I enjoyed your less than honest post!!

A man walks into a hardware shop & speaks to the assistant.
"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?" came the reply.
"That'll do I'll take two."
"Two what?" asks the assistant.
"I thought you didn't have any?" says the customer.
"Any what?" says the assistant.
"Yes please!"

This one's got whiskers
Sadly we've lost some of our local businesses recently.
The bra shop has gone bust, the watch mender has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled & the TV aerial shop has called in the receivers.

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £70...
is that two deer?

        

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

I know I am forever trlling you to be posititive but not in this way