More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen, things are going down hill

It looks like we are having similar weather problems. We have been hit by another cold spell with high winds.  When we walked Zephyr yesterday afternoon it was 6^oC but taking wind chill into account it was -6^oC.  Today is colder. Luckily we have no golf planned until tomorrow.  In the meantime, we have 2 out-of-control bushfires in Northern NSW – but that’s typical Australia.

This is an article from my weather service


           


If you have things falling on your head, Pen, I think you ought to seek help of a Higher Authority.

This will bring a little religion into your life


I don’t remember seeing Simon’s Missing Cat part 3.  Bring on Part 4.


Definition of Brigadoon. : a place that is idyllic, unaffected by time, or remote from reality..   I’d call that topping "mashed potato".  It took me some time to work it out.  Extremely Clever.

 

[Hobbit]

JACK

Still windy here but definitely better than yesterday.  I don't like the sound of your weather at all!  Makes me feel cold just thinking about it brrr!
I did enjoy reading the article from your weather service

I also enjoyed the little bit of religion thanks.  Very appropriate as it's sunday
   

Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John's Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'  With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'  Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'

The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John's leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, 'For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

I'll leave you with Part 4 of Simon's Missing Cat
Missing Cat Part 4

I haven't quite figured out your sign off   Got the pen in penguin.  Were you off to to have some grub? Tweet?  to eat??

Off for a stroll sausage roll
Pen

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

It's Monday again already & I'm exceedingly grumpy!


Fracture clinic is packed to the gills & very noisy   As it's school holiday we've got loads of screaming kids who are probably bored stiff.  It's a bit like the supermarket!  Why does the whole family have to go?
       

Roll on lunchtime

[Ozzyjack]

Hi

First of all the sign off.  I was only copying you.  You used a promo picture for the movie Brigadoon. I used the promo picture for Happy Feet.

I am knacked after playing golf in temperatures in which the only sensible thing would have been to drink port in front of an open fire.  So here is a quickly gathered random selection.

           


           

The wife of a prisoner wrote her husband and complained to him for getting locked up and leaving her with all the farm duties to do by herself. She was particularly upset that she would have to plow a 40 acre field to plant the potatoes.

The prisoner wrote back telling her not to plow the field because he had hidden money there.

Later, he received a letter from his wife saying his mail must be censored because the sheriff and his deputies were out to the farm digging through the field but not finding anything. She asked what she should do next.

He answered, "Plant the potatoes."

[Hobbit]

Why on earth didn't you stay indoors & drink port in front of a roaring fire rather than freeze your bits off on the golf course?   You could have had some good stilton with it

Your post hit the spot & cheered up a rather dismal day


Yes it's a bit lame but my brains gone on strike

[Ozzyjack]

Why on earth didn't you stay indoors & drink port in front of a roaring fire rather than freeze your bits off on the golf course?

, Pen

There was a good reason for not staying home and drinking Port in front of an open fire and that is we haven't got one.  You don't get the same glow from air-conditioning.  

Your sign off made my head spin.  . You'll have no problem with mine today, easy as falling off a log.

But first I’ll have another go with a video to get you to embrace

Religion

but, in case you get too religious,

Bernard Manning


           

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

“‘Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

 

[Hobbit]

JACK

How about this - just for special occasions when you want to slurp (sorry should that be sip? ) port...

You'd never guess it's an electric fire!  Well you might - I wouldn't!  I've got a fake log burner which is lovely in the winter.

I loved your cartoons & jokes all things Scottish  I will save the religious conversion & Bernard Manning for later

I'm off to do some mandatory training in a few minutes  2 hours of conflict resolution.  I might be quite conflicted by the end of it!

   

My sign off is peezy squeezy but I wanted to finish before I'm subjected to one of the most boring men on the Planet & it's a good excuse to print a pic of a dishy man on a rather good British motorbike

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack
Thanks for Dara & Bernard.  Love Dara O'Briain.  Hilarious

I found this & crossing my fingers we haven't had it before.  Tickled me!

A Little Bit More Religion

Off to slump in front of the telly.  All that resolving conflict has worn me out

Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

I worked out your sign-off and I agree the 1979 Triumph Bonneville that Richard Gere rode in An Officer and a Gentleman was a nice piece of machinery.  It was put up for auction in 2014 for an asking price of $A 19,000 - 22,000.

Dave Allan is up there with the Two Ronnies.  I thought we had almost used all ot them but I can’t remember that one.

By the time you are reading this Ashes 2 will probably have started.  Of course, as a loyal Aussie I hope we repeat the Edgbaston result, but I won’t lose sleep if we don’t.  I came across an article which says history is against us winning and which may interest you.

The Article

       

   


As you will soon be touring to Versailles, I thought a few tourist stories would be in order

A group of tourists arrived at Windsor Castle, which is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport.  While they stood outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.  One particularly annoyed tourist whined: “Ugh, why did they build the castle so close to the airport?”

Someone — always a man — always asks, “does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.

The frightened tourist: “Are there any bats in this cave?” The Aussie guide: “There were, but don’t worry, the snakes ate all of them.”

The tourist: “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?”

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked, “that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” “That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

A group were touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. "The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful". The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be following you all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,“ the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.” “We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.” “Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you ll have the same good fortune.” “And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed. “No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”

I pinched the first half from you;  I think the second half is obscure

       

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I can't work out your sign-off   The best I could come up with was See You Soon Hi-Jack   Need some assistance please!

We have torrential rain here today.  Real cats & dogs & possibly a few goats & sheep as well   I liked your cricket cartoons.  No play at Lords today   Think the whole day will be washed out.
       

An American pilot was flying the above plane over Australian when his plane malfunctioned and overshot the runway. When the pilot awoke, he found himself in bed, in an Australian hospital.

So, the American pilot asked the doctor, 'Did I come here to die?'

'No,' said the Australian doctor. 'You came here yesterday.'

Another very easy one for you

[Ozzyjack]

I can't work out your sign-off  

Apologies, Pen.   It was obscure and not even a good rhyme.  My only excuse was I was a bit pushed for time to finish the post.




With your sign-off I can remember the punch line Glad he ate her but I can't remember the joke.

This one doesn't require guessing:




 

[Hobbit]

No apologies required Jack.  I hadn't heard of that film so I would never have guessed it in a month of Sundays
I can't remember the joke with the punch line Glad he ate her either & I'm too knacked to think about it tonight

Goodbye Pork Pie made me really chuckle!  Loved it.


Don't let the

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Another cold and windy game of golf.  Finished completely knackered and a little arthritic.  I’ve just looked up the forecast for Lords and it looks like you will get to watch some cricket today.  In fact I’ve got the iPad in front of me while I am typing on the laptop and they are into their fourth over.  I promise not to provide a running commentary.

I am busy making a graph of my friendships over the years – it has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

Some more puns including the Gladiator pun


           


Adam Hill on Australian accent

Adam Hills - Inflatable Chinese Paralympic Swimmer

Adam Hills Australians

Just think of me as Callaway and

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

The cricket is appalling :'(  All out for 258.  I think that the Ashes are almost certainly heading in your direction!

The Adam Hills' clips went a long way to restoring my equilibrium & made me properly laugh.  Hilarious   He does a programme here called The Last Leg with Alex Brooker & Josh Widdicombe.  Here is a small sample for you

Trump

Sometimes it's hilarious & other times it's a bit near the knuckle for me.

   

Dinners ready

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Cut your boys a bit of slack.  It ain't over until the last ball is bowled as was proved in the first test.  We can't expect Steve Smith to have a blinder every test and if he doesn't - who knows?

We watch every episode of The Last Leg.  The only problem is that we only get to see it a week after you do and so the events being satirised have often been overtaken by further events. I think Adam made a mistake undertaking to grow his beard until Brexit is settled.  Unless Boris pulls off a miracle that won't be before the next series starts in October.  Of Adam's two side-kicks I prefer Alex to Josh.

It is my turn to pick the horses for the syndicate again and that is taking a lot of my day,  The only one that I would pick on name is Beegood Toya Mother.   Anyway Horses are my theme for today