More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

This is 2 day's worth.

Something without any theme at all:

        

     

Something for Les Mis fans



Something less high-brow

The local paper was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married – for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Just a quick one tonite as I have just found out I'm working tomorrow   The weekend lady just rung & said she has D&V & that is a definite no-no when working in a hospital.  It's a bit short notice & I'm not a very happy bunny.

Anyway on a more cheerful note (or not perhaps!) I thoroughly enjoyed Les Mis & yes I did cry - quite a few times! Ray took me to see it in London about 17 odd years ago.  It's been slightly updated now but the music is the same.

     

I enjoyed your cartoons & loved the old lady joke

Off to kick the cat I haven't got!



Pen

[Ozzyjack]

The weekend lady just rung & said she has D&V & that is a definite no-no when working in a hospital.  It's a bit short notice & I'm not a very happy bunny.

Pen

I had to look D&V up because it is not a term I have come across before.  Now I know what it is I can say confidently that the one even less a happy bunny than you will be the weekend lady.

   

   

[Hobbit]

  JACK

Thanks for your post & you are, of course, quite right.  The weekend lady will be feeling considerably worse than me right now.  The one consolation is that the weather here is dreadful.  Flaming June!  It's a monsoon & quite chilly with it   It's the annual local carnival where I live in Bletchley.  A parade with floats & all sorts of entertainment in the local park.  I feel so sorry for the children - they are going to be drenched.

      

A small moderately funny jokes!

One day Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver who looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Hope you & the chooks sleep well

[Ozzyjack]

It's the annual local carnival where I live in Bletchley.  A parade with floats & all sorts of entertainment in the local park.  I feel so sorry for the children - they are going to be drenched.

 Pen   (Hope you didn't have a copyright on this)

No need for you to feel sorry for the kids.  My spies tell me the carnival has been cancelled because of the weather conditions.

So you don't feel totally deprived here is a video of last year's parade.

I do feel sorry for you though, because you had to work, you couldn't nick down to Cardiff to support your lads against Bangladesh.  It is early days but they seem to be managing quite well in spite of that.  

That was a great Einstein Story.  This one is not so good.

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

   

 

[Hobbit]

Hi Again Jack

No copyright

I'm not surprised that the carnival is cancelled.  Weather here is now slightly improved but still very windy.  Heaven knows where you found the clip but it did make me chuckle!! 

My cricketers are doing an amazing job   They posted a score of 386 which is brilliant   Wish I was at home listening to Test Match Special.  Sadly it's only showing on Sky which costs 10 arms & about 15 legs.  If I'm lucky there might be highlights later on normal telly but it's not the same as watching live.

Nowt wrong with your Einstein joke - made me

Been dead as a doorknob most of the day now it's stopped raining all the stubbed toes & twisted ankles are turning up thick & fast.  Only an hour to go & I can go home for a nice cuppa!



very soon....
au revoir petit pois

[Ozzyjack]

Pen,

I shouldn’t have laughed at this, but I couldn’t help myself.



And I certainly shouldn’t have laughed at this, but I couldn’t help myself

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!

I shouldn't --- Aw, what the hell!!

   

[Hobbit]

JACK

I'm much better for reading your post!  I expect I shouldn't have laughed either but I did

A couple of firemen jokes for a change.  Not as good as your nun one but quite amusing!

My husband said to me, "Can we do some role play?"
I said, "Ok yeah. What do you suggest?"
He said, "Fireman to the rescue."
I wish he'd hurry up. I've been stuck up this tree dressed as a cat for twelve hours now.

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire engine ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.
The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."

         

Off to see what's cooking good looking

Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Pen

Off to see what's cooking good looking

If only you knew, I would have to recommend a visit to Specsavers at 110 Queensway.

Don't tell me that's a lot of Bull.  This is a lot of bull  



   

[Ozzyjack]

P.S.

[Hobbit]

JACK



I was just settling myself in for an afternoon on fracture clinic & read your post.  I was going to reply before it got too busy when I had a message to say you had posted again.  I opened it up & just howled with laughter!!  Definitely one of your best yet   Cheered up a very miserable wet monday.

         

Sorry but this just tickled me

A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."






Gotta fly flutterbye

[Hobbit]

ps
I meant to ask - exactly how many spies have you got lurking around in Bletchley?
   
Penx

[Ozzyjack]

I meant to ask - exactly how many spies have you got lurking around in Bletchley?

 Pen

Only one spy - Dr Google.  She doesn't know every thing but what she does know she is very generous in sharing with me.

I can see why you were tickled by the Dick Joke.    What about a Jack Joke

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend".

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

   

 

[Hobbit]

G'day Jack

Everybody here is moaning about the rain & the fact that it's bleedin' freezing cold!  We all had to switch our central heating on yesterday evening.  Flaming June!  I think not!
.  Perhaps the Cricket World Cup is to blame for our dreadful weather  Never Mind it's Wimbledon soon that'll probably bring snow this year!
   

Work beckons...

 Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Pen, you have excelled yourself again, so today I have a challenge for you. Although it might have an obvious answer for a local like yourself, it has me stumped.

When my spy was looking for optometrists in your area, she stumbled on a cluster of restaurants in the MK CBD in the block between Saxon Gate and Witan Gate.  What puzzles me is why these streets are called gate. If MK was a medieval walled city I could see some logic, but my understanding is that it is a New Town that was built from a plan and not "growed" up like Topsy as older towns were.  What’s the answer to how does a gate become a street.?

I did find out that a “Costa” was your equivalent of our “Coffee Club”, although the American imports “Starbucks” and “Gloria Jean’s” are better known here.  I never knew that before.  But it gives me an idea for a theme before I go random.