More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[Ozzyjack]

Not sure I'm going to be able to match you today as I'm a bit below par!

Hi Pen

Autocorrect is my worst enema.

If that was an example of a below par post, I’ll be demolished when you get back to par.

I am in the doldrums this morning.  You may be aware that we had a Federal election here yesterday and the side I bat for got thrashed.   I could only feel worse if we lose the next Ashes Series to England.  

I am off to bed again after I post this, so some random offerings:

Click here to see mum comes to the rescue

Is this some kind of duck? It has marvelous colours.

Fred Trueman passed away in July 2006. His irresistible take on life can be captured in the concluding paragraph of John Arlott’s excellent biography Fred – portrait of a fast bowler.
“Asked if he had a title for this book, he rolled it off his tongue, pat as if rehearsed — ‘T’ Definitive Volume of t’Finest Bloody Fast Bowler that Ever Drew Breath’ – and where is the batsman who would have dared to challenge that description when Fred was in his pomp?”

I think the comment you quoted was from Brian Johnston.  Here are some others that tickled me

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one.  Tony Greig, Channel 9

'The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Richie Benaud

'Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.'  Brian Johnston, BBC Radio

[Hobbit]

I'm a bit tired & grumpy this morning.  Hope the patients behave in an orderly fashion
I have to say your clip "Mum comes to the rescue" put a big smile on my face.  Superb
I'm presuming that is a duck - colours are gorgeous.  If Pat sees it she might advise!

I very much enjoyed Fred, Viv & Dennis.  Geoffrey Boycott was not, I don't think, a naturally gifted cricketer.  Don't know how true it is but I've heard stories of how he used to spend hours in the nets when the rest of the team were in the bar after the match.    I quite like him but he's not everybody's cup of tea.  Calls it how it is & sometimes very funny. Does have a habit of winding folks up the wrong way!

      

Here's a little anecdote from Ian Chappell.  Made me chuckle
“At the SCG in 1974-75, the hill was absolutely packed and this guy had got up to get some beers for himself and his mates. I just happened to look over at the time and he was walking around with a tray of half a dozen beers but had no idea where his mates were sitting. One of his mates jumped up and waved and said, ‘Hey Bill!’ and what seemed like 10,000 people — everyone on the hill — jumped up and waved and yelled ‘Hey Bill!’ It was so spontaneous and so bloody clever.”



Only a couple of hours til lunch

  JACK

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen

I loved your stories and images.  I am starting to get to the stage that I cannot remember whether I have used some images before or just thought I would use them and then found some better ones.  Anyway the following are a bit of a change of pace so I am pretty sure we haven't used them before.

       

       

A little more cricket to distract myself from politics otherwise I might become grumpy too.

Trueman could tell a story against himself.

Humour of the Self Deprecating Kind [unusual for Fred]
The scene was an Ashes test with England fielding ..... 'and I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, a rap on the pads, Howzat?  

One for none.

I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket and the bails were off, two for none.

Then in came the great Sir Don Bradman.  I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, the ball was in the air, a fantastic catch on the long on boundary, three for three hundred and seventy six.

I felt for young Billy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their Father's did for a living.  All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry, etc. etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his Father.

'My Father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of the other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him'.

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask if that was really true. 'No' said Billy 'he plays CRICKET for ENGLAND, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

While you look after patients, Snooks, I am heading to sleep with the chooks

[Hobbit]

Thanks Jack - your lovely & funny post improved my day by at least 150%   Meant to say you did considerably better than the UK in Eurovision.  Only to be expected.  We always do very badly but it was always going to be worse this year!
I know exactly what you mean about not knowing if you've posted something before   I enjoyed the change of tack & I'm certain you haven't posted any of those before.
Hope you & the chooks & snoring peacefully


Better do some work or I'll look like a berk
Laters potatoes...

[Hobbit]

JACK

I'm having a real monday morning & feel quite tired & a bit grumpy
   

I found this joke.  It made me smile & I'm hoping I haven't posted it before!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Nearly lunchtime.  I'm hoping that some food might restore my equilibrium  
going to scoff a ham roll Mr Mole!

  My Dear Friend

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen

It has been a busy day – nothing out of the ordinary – but one of those days where stamina is at a low point and so a quickie before I join the chooks and if I can sneak out in the middle of the night, I might manage a supplementary.

When I read your coffee cup, I deduced you haven't got a sarcastic bone in your body,

But here are some things to help a tired and grumpy person.

     

     

I’m off to bed, Fred

[Hobbit]

Thanks Jack - love your naughty cartoons   A bit less grumpy now it's nearly going home time!
I looked for Dick Emery "ooh you are awful" but I found this instead.  It tickled me though I have to admit I'm not sure who the pm is

Hope you & the chooks are sending them home
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen

I had a feeling one of the stories below was familiar and so I checked we had not used it before.  I couldn’t find any indication that we did but I did find to my shame that the story about the boy whose father played cricket for England that I used on Sunday was one that I used in February last year except the father in that one played Rugby for the Queensland Reds.  You know who I was trying to wind up,  

I think I must be losing it, Pen  

Mortimer Pennington Knickerworthy had just dropped his neighbour off at the Milton Keynes University Hospital Fractures Centre when a beautiful woman came up to him and with a smile on her face said, "Hello!"

Mortimer looked at her but can’t remember seeing her before.

Noticing the blank look on his face, she thought she must be mistaken and apologised. "I'm really sorry," she said, "but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children." She then walked away.

Mortimer at first thought, "What’s the world coming to when a woman can't keep track of the fathers of her children?"

Then he panicked, thinking, "But just because I don't remember her, what if she was at one of the wild parties I attended at that house in Bletchley? Maybe I did father her child."

So, he caught up with her and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in Bletchley and then we got really drunk and had wild sex in the Master Bedroom?"

"Oh no", she replied, with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's second grade teacher."

The Honourable Maurice Prentis Shaggington was very distraught at the fact that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Maurice’s doctor recommended that he see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so Maurice went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Maurice did as he was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, Maurice did as he was instructed.
 
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So Maurice did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."

Worried, Maurice asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked Maurice in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

Must be off into the night, with the speed of light and the thunder of hooves– which is pretty hard to do at midday when I haven’t got a horse.

[anona]

Agree - great pic, Pen! Though it might be Kate that William is actually disapproving of.

[Hobbit]

Hadn't thought of that Anona!  Think you're probably right  Pen

[Hobbit]

Are we veering back towards the wild west?  I burst out laughing at the thought of you rushing outside & jumping on your hoss & heading off to the golf club   Not sure where you'd put your clubs!

I hope it's just the plot you've lost & nothing more important like your marbles or money
I've made a decision to stop worrying if I repeat something & I think you should do the same.  I think we're both generous enough of spirit to overlook a duplicate or 2.
I do know who you were trying to wind up with the rugby story about Queensland Reds.  Was going to say absent friends but..
The Mortimer Pennington Knickerworthy joke also made me roar with laughter.  Getting funny looks from my colleagues   Having a rare couple of hours away from my reception duties.  This afternoon I have mandatory training in what to do if the place catches fire   Run?
      

This tickled my funny bone

One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom.  Here is a transcript of what happened next.

The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course.  So he sent a radio message.
U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer:
'Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision'.

Back came the reply: 'You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead'.

The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer & reported the incident as insubordination.

As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message.  'I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!

Canadian Radio Operator:
'This is a lighthouse.  I suggest you take evasive action.'



I'm dashing out the door in search of some grub bub
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Howdy Pen

I am not going to argue with you. There' are two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

As well as being funny, there is a serious lesson in your Lighthouse joke.  I like a story that has a moral. Here's one:

 A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

     



I'm off to hit the sack, but I'll be back

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack
Bit weary & struggling with a bit of a headache   Must be all this lovely warm sunny weather we're enjoying!  Bet your bottom dollar it wont last into the weekend
Just wanted to say I thought your joke with the moral was hilarious & the Winnie the Pooh poem was perfect. Really loved it.
Going to slump in front of the box!
To my armchair I must wend,
See you soon my dear friend
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

G'Day Pen

From the Wild West to something uniquely Australian.

The symbolic meaning of the Aboriginal flag colours (as stated by Harold Thomas) is: Black – represents the Aboriginal people of Australia. Yellow circle – represents the Sun, the giver of life and protector. Red – represents the red earth, the red ochre used in ceremonies and Aboriginal peoples' spiritual relation to the land.

I wouldn't even bet my top dollar on your weather, Pen.  I've looked into my Chrystal Ball and I predict temperatures between 9^oC (48^oF) and 18^oC (64^oF) over the weekend with patchy rain likely on both days.

     

OK, Pen, I can hear you thinking – That’s enough realism, give me something I can laugh at.  I am sorry, but all I have today are two stories with a moral.  The second one is older than Methuselah but it still resonates with me every time I come across it.

Dudley Doorite and his girlfriend had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering Dudley—it was her beautiful younger sister - She was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near Dudley and he always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked Dudley to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to Dudley that she had feelings and desires for Dudley that she couldn’t overcome. She told Dudley that she wanted Dudley just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. Well, he was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me.”

Dudley was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door. He opened the door, and sprinted towards his vehicle.

Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!  With tears in his eyes, his father-in-law hugged Dudley and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

Moral:  Always keep the condoms in the car

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

Morals:

• Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
• Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
• And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!!!

Tomorrow's a big day, so tonight I'll be early to hit the hay

[Hobbit]

I think we need a touch of realism from time to time.  I don't know a great deal about the aborigines.  I'm guessing from your pictures they get a pretty raw deal.  The flag makes perfect sense.

Are you golfing tomorrow? (today!)  Thought I might find you a golf story.

Playing in the English Amateur Championship of 1974 at Moortown Golf Club in Leeds, Nigel Denham was a little bold, and a touch left, with his approach shot to the 18th hole. His ball bounced off a path and flew through an open door at the side of the clubhouse.

At that time the clubhouse was not deemed out of bounds so Denham went to look for his ball. He just followed the shouts, as it had ricocheted off a wall and into the bar, where it had come to rest under a table. With numerous drinkers egging him on, Denham looked at the situation and wondered if a shot might be possible. He moved the table and chairs and saw he could make a swing. He opened one of the windows overlooking the 18th green and played a delicate chip off the carpet, his ball snuck through the window and landed on the green. It rolled up to within five feet of the hole and, of course, he holed the putt for a miraculous par four.
No moral to this story but I liked it anyway!

    

Better look like an efficient receptionist