More or Les (was Bloody Plurals)

[anona]

Gosh; so much to respond to!

It's interesting what you say about the recorded voice, Jack, thanks. I find mine unrecognisable, but didn't know why.  Maybe living in three GB countries as a child added odd vowel twangs (particularly from non-RP England).  At one Welsh school, we had weekly elocution lessons to make us sound more English, but underneath I suspect I also have a lilt from 2 & 1/2 early years in the Hebrides. The English think I sound educated Welsh; the Welsh that I sound English and posh.

Crocodile Dundee and photographs: I don't remember that, funnily enough, but I know I did read it somewhere.

Birdy: My friend did manage to say no to her rude cousin, though I can't remember how. She's much nicer than I am, so probably one of the more polite alternatives suggested. I think if you never want to see people again, be direct without being too rude if you can - it saves trouble.

Lazy eye comments: my sister-in-law  and a colleague both had ops as adults, one of them twice: none lasted. So perhaps UK methods aren't the best available.
Like our DNA testing, perhaps: I have just listened to a recent Australian podcast on Madeleine McCann which said NZ and the US have methods not available in the UK, which could separate the mixed DNA from blood in the McCann's flat and body fluids from the boot of the hire car and see whether Madeleine's is actually there. The US has offered to do this work FOR FREE from the data files - not even the actual samples - but the police 'Operation Grange' astonishingly (or not, if you believe some of the darker theories) had not acknowledged the offer.

I seem to have hijacked your light-hearted threads, Pen and Jack. I'll be good now.

[Ozzyjack]

I seem to have hijacked your light-hearted threads, Pen and Jack. I'll be good now.

This introduction is just to emphasise that this thread belongs to all forumites.

I see the thread as being the forum equivalent of the town community hall.  The community being those that contribute or who just look in to (hopefully) enjoy the banter.  But the posts are not only banter but are an opportunity to exchange opinions and knowledge and sometimes in adverse times to support each other.

Although Pen and I are the most frequent contributors our exchanges are also an open communication to all of the community and are not meant in any way to exclude others joining in - au contraire .

I was heartened and comforted by the expressions of support when we had to put Daisy down.

I had never heard of amblyopia until Pen mentioned "lazy eye".   I got taught the lesson that one should consult more than one source when I suggested there was an easy cure.  I have now learned that is not the case.

I had no idea that there were so many people who didn't like to have their photo taken.  A little research revealed that it is a very common phenomenon which spans the spectrum of mild dislike to a recognised phobia although different sources disagree whether this is a form of Scopophobia. 

Scopophobia or scoptophobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by a morbid fear of being seen or stared at by others. ... Scopophobia can also be associated with a pathological fear of drawing attention to oneself.

So from personal experience, I can attest that one can gain knowledge and understanding from this thread as well as having many a good laugh.

Which must be an introduction to these:


     

[Hobbit]

I couldn't have put it better myself Jack
Although Jack & I love & enjoy our banter it's brilliant when other Forumites chip in

Our lovely warm spell has ended.  Good job you're not hoping to play golf here today Jack.  It's bucketing down with rain & very cold with it

     

Fracture clinic just starting to get busy so lots of X-Rays required.  Will assume my professional receptionist role...


Gotta fly flutterbye
pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Today, I have been thinking about Brexit.

Apart from watching Adam Hills each week these have been my texts.

Fry's View and The Irish problem and the an explanation for Americans.

I cannot get all the nuances from a cartoon view

Are people in the UK any wiser or is everybody as confused as I am?

Better Swish, Jellyfish

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I'm pleased to read you're thinking about Brexit because I have to say I've switched off. I despair of the entire House of Commons.  Couldn't organise a booze up in a brewery or an orgy in a brothel. It's a complete & utter shambles & getting worse every day.
   

I've had a look at your cartoon view.  Some were funny, some were clever & some I just didn't get at all   I will review your snippets later after dinner.

I'm on my bike Tike!
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

I'm pleased to read you're thinking about Brexit because I have to say I've switched off.

Hi Pen,

I take it then you weren't one of the 12 semi-naked climate change protesters who interrupted a House of Commons Brexit debate a few days ago.  I did like Tory Nick Boles comment: 'It has long been a thoroughly British trait to be able to ignore pointless nakedness, and I trust the House will be able to return to the issue that we are discussing.'

Anyway, I won't bore you any more with Brexit, especially seeing that incident shocked Miss Beatrice, the church organist, who was in her eighties and had never been married.   She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!'.

It's been a big day, so I'm

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

I wasn't one of the 12 naked protesters - think I might have scared the natives
     

One of the very first streakers that I can remember was Erica Roe who ran naked across the pitch at Twickers.  The match in progress was England v Australia.  She was a somewhat well endowed young lady & some of the pictures of the Policemen holding strategically placed helmets were quite funny.

I looked up the result & England won 15-11.  The Aussies were probably distracted

Loved the joke.  Made me laugh out loud
 “A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies

 “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book
Not as funny but still tickled me

Gotta be somewhere koala bear
(yes I know it's limp but it's the best I can do!)
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

yes I know it's limp

Hi Pen

I assume in a streaking themed post that was pun intended. .  They were great, jokes and cartoons.

Pen, have you ever been annoyed by bureaucrats who think they are cleverer than the people they deal with.  I have a friend who is a Rabbi and the Taxation Office audit his synagogue every year.

This year they sent out a bright young graduate who thought he would have a bit of fun at the expense of my friend, the Rabbi..

The auditor did all the usual checks, and then says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“We save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

The auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

The Rabbi replied calmly, “We collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

The auditor thought hard and was certain he knew how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

The Rabbi answered.  “We save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Taxation Department.”

“To the Taxation Department ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

The Rabbi replied , “And once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”


And now we’ve got the serious stuff out of the way how about a bit of humour

     

[Hobbit]

Oh Jack I'm really not on the ball today   I totally missed my own (limp) pun & when I started reading your joke I thought you were telling me a serious story.  It wasn't until I was 3 or 4 lines down I realised.  Numpty! Totally hilarious   Made me laugh out loud!
I've just been next door to see my neighbour who is struggling with bad back & in agony.  Her son was there & he told me that as a treat for his 50th birthday next week he's flying to America with a friend for the Masters.  Lucky so and so!  I know you probably don't see as much if you're there as on the telly but I bet the atmosphere will be amazing.
It's not as funny as yours but I did think this might tickle you!

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole and started to go straight home. As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?' 'Yes', Robert answered 'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?' 'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned. 'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down.  Now, what do you intend to do about it?' Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'

I'm going to exercise my little grey cell & then I have a bottle of that wonderful Horologist Sauvignon Blanc chilling in the fridge

Not too vigorously though or I'll spill the wine
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

I was tickled, Pen

I know you have a cousin in the Peak District.  One of Bill Bryson’s chapters feature the district.  I thought this excerpt might amuse you

]I had a good walk along the Derwent and Howden reservoirs, enjoying the combination of shady woodland and sun-splashed water, amazed that I could have this much splendour to myself. On the way back to the car park, I passed an impressive stone monument. It was to a sheepdog named Tip, which, according to the inscription, ‘stayed by the body of his dead master, Mr Joseph Tagg, on the Howden Moors for fifteen weeks’. That’s a very long time. Mind you, Tagg was lying on the dog’s lead. Actually, I don’t know what the story was, but I do know that personally I would be more inclined to pay for a monument that said, ‘In memory of Tip, who went for help when I needed it.’ It was interesting, I thought, that the memorial to Tip was grander than the memorial to the men who took part in the dam-busters raids, but then I remembered that this was England and Tip was a dog.

I’ve got a long night ahead tonight.  Daylight saving finishes today.

         

Hasta mañana, iguana

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack
I was well tickled as you thought I would be!  I went looking for Mr Tickle & found this
& this which for some bizarre reason made me smile

You've gone the opposite way to us last weekend!  Our clocks went forward (I'm sure I must have moaned about it )  I've spent the whole week thinking "well it's not really 6am but 5am" or "it's not really 11pm but 10pm"  Do it every time.  Really annoy myself

   
My bangers & mash are calling me   Hope you & the chooks enjoyed your extra hours shuteye

Wont be gone for too long iguanodon (yes know it's poor but my sausages are in danger of burning )
Pen

[Ozzyjack]

Hi Pen,

Great cartoons but it was the daylight savings one suggesting I should change my wine from red to white that brought on my Road to Damascus moment.  I thought why just change the form of poison I am drinking.  Why not join the temperance movement and give up alcohol altogether.  But I’ll leave more on how this played out for another day.

Because it was Sunday, I thought I should do something religious and I heard that a monastery in a rather obscure sect were holding an ordination ceremony and I decided to go along and observe.

Twelve monks were being tested for ordination.  The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude woman danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained at this time because he had not reached the required state of purity.

The woman danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

Since no one was going to be ordained, I came home to find some cartoons:  Here they are:

      

Have a drink for me, Penelope

[Hobbit]

Hi Jack

Excellent joke & cartoons   I'm going to have to work extremely hard to try & match them

Are you going permanently on the wagon or just abstaining now & again?

Thought I'd continue on a bit of a religious theme!

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my friends instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"

My 'phone has gone twice whilst I've been trying to finish this post   First a friend & then my sister.  Very inconsiderate.  I'm now racing the clock until my dinner's ready.  I wonder if you can half do a post & return to it?

   
 
I am probably one of the few people who really like spam!

Got to dash before I have burnt offerings

Pen

[Linda]

... and I thought was the only one, Pen!  Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!! 

[Hobbit]

Oh Linda that's brilliant!  Thought I'd be the only one.  Love it with a jacket spud