" Barry’s condition does still sound precarious. While there’s life there is hope and that is something to cling to but you have also to prepare yourself in case the worst happens."
Barry has taken care of preparing us for the worst.
You have to understand that he has been slowly debilitated by a combination of multiple conditions over the last 18 months, all of which he has fought like a trojan.
He has endured endless pain, great difficulty in performing simple tasks which he insisted that he be allowed to do unassisted then emormous frustation when he just could not manage it.
The medications that were necessary to contain one issue would only inflame another.
He was in a never ending " catch 22 " cycle.
So the loop continued, have an episode in the middle of the night, rush to emergency & be admiited, stabilised after a couple of weeks & sent home then a couple of months later another episode & another re - admission.
It has been very difficult to communicate clearly with him over the last few days due his mumbled speech which is difficult to hear through the oxygen mask not to mention his random outbursts of dilirium.
So nobody could understand when he started pulling out his drips & ripping off his oxygen mask & every other contraption that they had him hooked upto, we just put it down to the delirium.
After a decent nights sleep, with a more intense oxygen feed in the C.C.U. this morning he was very lucid as he asked to see family members individually.
We were all very shocked when the nurses told us that he had begun refusing to take any medication or allow any treatment.
He told us all the same thing, that he loved us & wanted to say a last goodbye.
Let me end this, i just want to go, get me out of this endless loop, i just can't do this anymore.
The family had already agreed with Barry's request for a D.N.R. ( do not revive ) if his heart failed completely.
So we all agreed that we should comply with his wishes, of course the doctors were involved with discussions with us & agreed that due to his multiple issues, all they could do was possibly keep him " alive " for an indefinite period & they had several interviews with Barry to ensure that he was of sound mind before agreeing to stop his treatment so he is currently on morphine as required to ensure that he is not in any pain.
Along with the rest of us, Barry endured watching our Mother die, virtually as a vegetable.
I would like to think that part of my heroe's decision was selflessly made to spare us from going through the same thing with him.
Personally ( and i don't give a shit what anybody thinks about this comment ) i was grateful.
The fact that i know that he wanted to go & was ready to go as opposed to still fighting, struggling to survive & clinging onto life gives me some comfort.
So for me, Barry is in fact already dead which, if this makes any sense will make it easier for me to cope with & stay strong for the family when it is made official, they cannot say if that will be tonight or within a few days but whenever it is i will cope so much better knowing that he actually wanted to go.
