Dear T:
I don't know the full story but, unable to add a single miserable word to my list without resorting to skullduggery, I turned to the forum for diversion, and there came upon your post, in which for once you sound as if you are telling the truth. And so, as the mother of an almost 12 year old, (whom I see only half the week because I cannot live with her insane other parent,) and the friend of one who lost her son, I can perhaps just begin to imagine what you must have been through and be going through now. And so my thoughts are with you. I do believe things will get better for you and that time anneals the pain somehow, so that the one you loved lives on in your internal landscape in a benign way.
And if this is trite, put it down to several glasses of cheap white wine.
It's been a rough day at this end too.
With all good wishes from your friend who aspires to reach your scores one day
mancks