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Messages - Binkie

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31
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 20, 2008, 11:04:32 AM »


and no, that wasn't the story!

32
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 20, 2008, 11:04:02 AM »

I just finished putting up the Christmas tree and  I found a present for the kids that got forgotten last year.

You should have seen their faces when they opened it.



Poor kitten

33
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 20, 2008, 11:00:40 AM »


This is most strange......I've been trying to post a joke and I keep getting the dreaded Forbidden page. It's a nice clean story, too!

34
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 20, 2008, 10:58:55 AM »
 :D :D :D :D :D :D

35
Whatever / Re: Piccy of the day
« on: December 18, 2008, 08:02:35 AM »
.

36
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 17, 2008, 07:21:11 AM »

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....






"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."








37
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 12, 2008, 08:47:45 AM »
It's all so true!   :D








   This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.



As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.


38
The Daily Quest / Re: Dedicated to Linda
« on: December 09, 2008, 08:55:53 PM »

Sorry I haven't been around to add my greetings, Threeb, my friend. Glad to hear there's some good news.....let's hope there'll be lots more before long!

39
Whatever / Ain't modern technology grand ?
« on: December 09, 2008, 08:53:07 PM »

Apologies, dear friends, for my non-appearance on the forum of late. (go on....admit it...you never even noticed, did you?). My excuse is a good one - my parents, bless their 80 year-old- cotton-socks, have been dragged screaming and struggling into the 21st century. Yes, folks, they have a computer, and they are online even as we speak.It has been quite a revelation, I think. According to my usually gently spoken mother, Dad can't be "dragged away from the bloody thing!"
They have held out against a computer for a long while, mainly because they live in a fairly isolated village, and were worried that if anything went wrong, they'd be stuffed! However, my brother, who's a computer expert, managed to demonstrate Skype and various other message systems, and how easy it would be to get help from him. Result......newly exultant silver surfers! I've got so used to the internet that I'd forgotten how much we take it for granted. Mum and Dad have entered a whole new world, and I am being inundated with emailed news about their latest explorations and discoveries. Naturally, I'm spending a lot of time replying, and pointing them towards all kinds of web pages they might not have heard about. I really don't care what anyone says about the dehumanising effects of modern technology ; Mum and Dad are having a ball!
P.S. I think they finally capitulated after Mum was hospitalised for quite a while, and returned home relatively healthy, but a lot more frail.
No more healthy bush walks and a lot more home-based activities!


40
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 06, 2008, 09:34:11 AM »
.

41
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 05, 2008, 08:37:48 PM »
What do you call a miniature donkey?

A dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg?

A wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, and making love?

A bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, and farting?

A stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, and wearing blue suede shoes?

A Honky Tonky, stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, wearing Blue Suede shoes, and playing the piano?

A plinky plonky, honky tonky, stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey!!!!

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, wearing Blue Suede shoes, playing the piano, and driving a Bus??????























Bloody Talented!!
















42
Whatever / Re: Piccy of the day
« on: December 02, 2008, 04:57:00 PM »
.

43
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: December 01, 2008, 08:54:50 PM »
                 
                                     Brains Of Britain


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester




BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.



THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.



BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?



GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. . ..

Richard:
He makes bread . . .

Contestant:
Er . ....

Richard:
He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:
Kipling Street?



LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?




CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country isMount Etna?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?



PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er. .. ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?



THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.



LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.



STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

44
Words / Re: lurgy?
« on: December 01, 2008, 08:46:24 PM »
Are cooties the same as nits or headlice, birdy ?

45
Whatever / Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
« on: November 29, 2008, 08:18:59 PM »


So where is everyone ? I make a determind effort to visit the forum, and what happens ?  Nada...nothing...zilch.
WHERE IS EVERYONE ?  Come back, come back, wherever you are !

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