Lexigame Community

General Category => Whatever => Topic started by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 08:44:17 PM

Title: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 08:44:17 PM
I thought everyone could use a good larf today, so here goes!!

I get daily emails from Rex Barker's www.jokeoftheday.com. Here's a sampling of today's gems:

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 25, 2007, 10:33:51 PM
I love it!  Are you perhaps poking a little gentle fun at us ? Surely not....... :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 10:40:58 PM
Of course not!!  ;)

The part of his website I like best is the picture of the day -- it's very humorous and often no caption is needed, esp. when he uses puppies and kittens! You'd like it.

How are you, Binks? Must be getting late down under.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 25, 2007, 10:59:18 PM
I shall have to look it up.....sounds good. Yes, it's almost 11pm.....just watching the latest stage of the Tour de France. COME ON CADEL EVANS !!!!!!!! He's the only Aussie left in contention now, and just might make the top 3. I do think they could hold these events at a reasonable hour. Same with Wimbledon....no thought for us poor Antipodeans.  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 11:06:21 PM
You guys just don't get no respect, to quote the late, very funny, Rodney Dangerfield!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 25, 2007, 11:38:16 PM
I can see that we need to recruit a LOT more forummates if we decide to change a lightbulb in the future!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 11:39:16 PM
How do you change a virtual lightbulb, I wonder?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 26, 2007, 12:11:28 AM
I'm not really sure, and I imagine your list should have some 6-10 additional individuals to debate such a question.  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 12:16:18 AM
We'd have to start talking about whether a virtual lightbulb even exists!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 01:59:42 AM
We'll see if this works!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 26, 2007, 02:57:32 AM
Excellent work.  Very fitting image. :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 03:02:28 AM
Just googled "pictures of lighbulbs," and there it was! Couldn't have done it without you!

Whatchya doin' now?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:48:13 AM
That was a brilliant find threeb....
And scaringly appropriate...i could see some of us in some of the categories.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 08:59:53 AM
It just "came to me!" Thanks! :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 02:03:05 PM
Which of the forum activities listed at the start of this thread reminds you of yourself?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:15:22 PM
At least 6 of them....
I Wouldn't like to say which :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:21:42 PM
Hello matey ... thought you were out of action today ... has rain stopped play?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:28:21 PM
Hi mate,
Nearly but not quite....
The girls are going shopping, and i can't be bothered with that, so i will meet them later.....
It's blowing a hooley though...and i'm not good with wind [ shut up!!!] it hurts my ears too badly.
I really am a fair weather friend, and a wimp...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:32:41 PM
Me too ... I hate the combination of rain and wind ... plays havoc with my fine and naturally curly hair!  Can't believe you don't want to go shopping ... new clothes, shoes, make-up (sorry, forgot you don't do that), books, mags, pretty things, my precious!!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:35:14 PM
I am a rare breed among women, indeed, i hate shopping....
The only shopping i like is buying presents for others..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:36:18 PM
You're such a generous and caring human being!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:56:33 PM
I just looked behind me and couldn't see anybody else....were you talking to me???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:58:48 PM
Yes, but I was being sarcastic!!!! (No offence meant ... no. but lots taken!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:59:51 PM
I never would have guessed...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 27, 2007, 10:03:37 PM
ALAN -- DIDN'T YOU THINK THIS WAS A FUNNY POST (READ FIRST ENTRY)??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 27, 2007, 11:28:03 PM
Perhaps VIRAL isn't speaking to us either......except to answer legitimate Chi questions......
Maybe it's a boycott???
I'm getting paranoid now!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 27, 2007, 11:31:41 PM
Relax my dear, T! I'm sure everything is fine, and you're okay!  :angel:

GAGL's probably just been busy (as you said in the other thread), and possibly trying to have a life OUTSIDE the forum, despite his having to maintain it and deal with all the head-banging word questions. Sometimes it takes a day or two for him to catch up.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on July 28, 2007, 12:37:24 PM
Yes, Threeb, I did find it funny. It must be awful to be involved with a forum like that one!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 28, 2007, 12:42:43 PM
Well, sometimes it almost gets that way here ...as you well know, a little bit crazy -- but it's all good!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 12:00:30 AM
Just thought I'd pass along a wee joke for this time of year:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on October 29, 2007, 12:02:34 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 12:07:05 AM
Thanks! And, a few more:

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on October 29, 2007, 03:24:47 AM
What a wit you are!  Specially like the frostbite joke!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 03:57:41 AM
Thanks, OGH, but I cannot take credit -- 'twas totally plagiarised, but I knew they'd give you a lift!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 03, 2007, 08:36:14 PM
Here's a Thanksgiving joke or two:

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What kind of music do Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Plenty of drumsticks for everyone.

Why did the Indian wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.

(I didn't promise they'd be very funny.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 02:09:31 AM
Don't give up your day job threeb... :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 02:14:44 AM
Like I said, I promised jokes -- I didn't promise funny ones. And so far, nobody's been banging down the door for my stand-up routines.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 02:32:08 AM
No matter mate...we love you just the way you are...  :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 02:35:44 AM
(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/ob_makingeyes01.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 09:00:35 PM
Okay, then ... since it's Sunday (here), I thought this would be a good one -- and actually funny!

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 04, 2007, 10:46:25 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 10:58:16 PM
Just one  :) ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 04, 2007, 11:09:49 PM
Alright then .........  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ... and, not forgetting,  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 11:15:06 PM
 >:D !!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 11:45:49 PM
I giggled threeb, that was a gooden....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 11:50:29 PM
Thanks! It was a nice wake-up for me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 05, 2007, 12:53:06 AM
Here's one I found on the Scottish website I mentioned in the new thread earlier: 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 05, 2007, 10:34:08 AM
Here's one; It's a bit rude.... so don't read on if you don't like naughty jokes...







A man goes into Superdrug and asks, "Have you got any KY jelly?"
"No, sorry." says the assistant, "Have you tried Boots?"
The man replies, "I want to slide in, not f*****g march in!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 05, 2007, 11:07:20 AM
Why are the rude ones usually the funniest? Wow -- I just read Bink's insane jokes, and now this! What a great way to spend the evening!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 05, 2007, 08:13:08 PM
Here's another then...

Bit rude again.....you've been warned....








2 old ladies are having tea in a cafe. One said to the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes i did," she said, "but i managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 05, 2007, 08:15:48 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 03:39:01 AM
Another:-


News Flash!

Aliens have invaded Earth and are abducting all the sexy people.

Don't worry- you are safe, but i am just writing to say 'Goodbye'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 06, 2007, 06:02:13 AM
As if!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 06:15:04 AM
Your picture looks like you're waggling your finger at that comment....very  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 06:36:44 AM
A man walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for cod and chips.

'Sorry mate, we've run out of cod.' says the assistant.

'Oh!' says the man, 'In that case i'll have cod and chips please.'

'I told you, we've run out of cod. We've got haddock or sausages!'

'Oh! Ok, i'll have cod and chips then.' says the man.

The assistant is getting cross.
'Look...we haven't got any cod.'

'Right, i'll have cod and chips instead then.' says the man.

By this time the assistant is losing his temper.

'Look mate, tell me...how many f's in haddock?'

The man replies,
'There are no f's in haddock.'

'How many f's in sausages?'

'There's no f's in sausages.'

'How many f's in cod?'

The man replies, puzzled,
'There ain't no f in cod.'

'That's what i've been trying to tell you!!!'

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 06, 2007, 07:59:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:44:09 AM
Received an email yesterday with lots of 'computer error messages we can all understand'.  There were quite a lot, but haven't got around to saving them in a format suitable for inserting.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:49:10 AM
Will try 2 and 3 again.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:50:53 AM
Not exactly what I had intended to happen, but the docs seem to open OK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 09:15:32 AM
They did Green1,
Very good....that's computer speak i can understand.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 08, 2007, 11:38:21 PM
On the subject of travel, here's a little behind-the-scenes view of what REALLY goes on in the cockpit!
(It's a bit long, but I think it's worth the read.)

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet that conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 08, 2007, 11:41:49 PM
V. good .... deserves a  :D :D :D :D :D :D for effort!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 08, 2007, 11:44:50 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 09, 2007, 05:36:18 AM
This is a word site, after all.  In the interest of improving everyone's performance at 'freerice' where meanings are as important as acceptable combinations of letters, I submit the following (not new but perhaps still useful):

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has
 gained.

 3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

 6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
 nightgown.

 7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

 8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
 run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
 proctologists.

  13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

 14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
 onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
 Jewish men.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 06:54:31 AM
 :D :D :D :D

How funny, birdy, I have just this minute used the words 'willy nilly' in another thread ... but not meaning impotent ... that is really a good one, must use it in everyday conversations ... often!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 09, 2007, 07:48:01 AM
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6.  Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7.  Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra Credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n):  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.)! :  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus  (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 12:33:26 PM
Birdy and geo -- those were GREAT! Love the creative play ... hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 08:02:05 PM
Well done Birdy and Greenone...
They were hilarious....and will be used...OFTEN..

I especially like IGNORANUS.....

and

FLABBERGASTED
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 08:24:44 PM
Ignoranus is a word I'm sure will be bandied about on the forum at every available opportunity!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 09, 2007, 08:28:55 PM
Threeb, Birdy and Verdant One....thank you for making my day....they were all hilarious, and I shall be attempting to pass many of them off as my own!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 08:45:10 PM
Well, the next time i go out, displaying mucho hipatitis and practicing my foreploy, i have no doubt that i will bump into loads of blokes with overinflated glibido's who will be oblivious to my sarchasm because they are all ignoranuses....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 08:45:56 PM
I just knew you'd be the first to use it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 09, 2007, 08:53:42 PM
Well done tecnhomc - you obviously studied those 2 lists in depth.  Personally - I can't even think about going out and checking the talent around as I can't possibly be disloyal to Uncle Vito - I mean really, what would my bethrothed think!  Horrified I'm guessing - and rightly so  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:00:55 PM
Bless you Greenone....

I wouldn't want to disappoint....now would i LL??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 09:16:15 PM
You never fail to disappoint me!!  >:D  Ha ha ha  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 09, 2007, 09:22:02 PM
You are quite right, Geo....you must keep yourself pure and unsullied for Uncle Vito. Think clean and virginal thoughts at all times, and do not succumb to temptation. It will be worth the sacrifice when you stand beside him, radiant and pristine at the altar!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 09:24:43 PM
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:29:18 PM
Do i detect a note of SARCHASM there threeb in that laugh....??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 09:33:33 PM
No, actually ... a bit of sheer-spasm!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:56:12 PM
Get looser knickers mate.... :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 10:05:09 PM
Pants??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:00:09 AM
I ALWAYS have clean and virginal thoughts  :angel:
Can't imagine why you would think otherwise.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:01:24 AM
I bet your thoughts and dreams about Uncle Vito are far from clean and virginal!  X-rated, I would suspect!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:01:46 AM
XXX-rated!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:04:15 AM
Who, me?  Never
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:04:58 AM
Beneath your serene exterior you're a seething mass of passion and lust, geo!  Am I right?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:05:36 AM
Your beautiful pearls, nice teeth and conservative hair-do don't fool us, woman!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:06:24 AM
Are you talking about me, there, threeb?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:09:05 AM
You know better, LL! Look at geo's piccy -- the epitome of a conservative. Yet, under that exterior beats the heart of raging passion.

Well, actually, it is you too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:10:11 AM
I've never been called conservative before!  Look closely, you will see I am wearing a  >:D smirk!   >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:12:46 AM
Hard to tell, but I believe it, LL. Besides, there's always the question of the other finger!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:13:33 AM
No, sorry Linda...you look conservative...not that there's anything wrong with it...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:14:01 AM
She must be Linda, because she couldn't possibly be referring to me.
I know it is early in the day for you Linda, and not sure what time it is for you 3B, but it's 11pm here (Friday night) and I'm at home, tucked up safe and sound with my pure thoughts - not out partying around town like the wanton woman you are making me out to be. What a sad boring life I lead!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:15:16 AM
I didn't say you were actually acting on your feelings, geo ... just that you have them! Admit it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:15:34 AM
I tend to be more bohemian than conservative, roberts.  Don't go to middle of the road concerts, that's for sure!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:18:14 AM
Hey, LL -- head the other way!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:18:39 AM
It's 1.18 pm here ... plenty of time to indulge in wanton acts of abandonment!  
Hope you've got a good book to read, geo.  Me and threeb, or threeb and I, if you must, are romantic souls with passion coursing through our veins and are in Wuthering Heights mode at the moment!  Heathcliff!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:19:54 AM
What way?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:22:04 AM
Ah, yes, geo -- still waters running deep and all that. More like fountains! Heathcliff! I was so afraid of how it might turn out -- but it was all so VERY satisfying in the end!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:22:32 AM
LL - I meant your post to roberts was in the wrong thread here, that's all.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:23:00 AM
So Linda...what was the last concert you went to...T Rex?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:23:52 AM
Welllllll ........I guess if I told the truth I'd have to admit having some impure thoughts sometimes - not very often mind you.  Only in the months with more than 26 days.  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:24:09 AM
David Bowie, actually, smart arse!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:24:33 AM
And hours with more than 59 minutes!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:24:44 AM
A woman after my own heart, geo!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:25:06 AM
Is David still alive?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:26:00 AM
Didn't Mark Bolan die years and years ago?  Good God, my ex-husband thought T-Rex were the greatest thing since sliced bread.  No wonder why I divorced him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:26:13 AM
Oh, yes -- and looking much better than the rest of his peers! Eternal god that he is!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:27:09 AM
Uuuummm Maybe 3B
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:27:34 AM
Ha ha bloody ha ... half wit!  >:D

He is a god amongst men ... you are obviously soooo jealous!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:29:15 AM
I will not hear a word against Marc Bolan.  He was my absolute hero and object of desire for many a year.  It was the 30th anniversary of his death in September, geo, I am just about getting over it now!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:32:44 AM
Ah shucks - sorry Linda.  Secretly I rather like T-Rex too, but didn't want the ex to know that.  I didn't realise it was 30 years ago.  I seem to recall it was a car accident?  Was it the 30th September?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:34:22 AM
30th was his birthday ... car accident was 16th ... two week before his 30th birthday.  I'm feeling quite sad now.  My sister went to his funeral ... stood near David Bowie and Rod Stewart!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:35:05 AM
I had to get this one! (Sorry to interrupt your Marc Bolan dialogue, LL)

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:35:46 AM
That's cheered me up again!  What a perfect specimen of manhood he is!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:37:29 AM
Oh, yes -- could that I just lie at his feet!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:38:16 AM
.... gazingly adoringly up at his perfect face!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:38:47 AM
All the way up!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:39:26 AM
..... perfection from head to foot!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:39:55 AM
I knew there was some connection with the 30 September.  That was (and presumably still is) my ex's birthday.  That explains why he always played some T-Rex and felt sad.  I probably knew this at the time, but over the past 16 years, I've sort of blotted out a lot of the details of our life together!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:41:24 AM
You really don't have to lie on the floor 3B - you could have just done it with mirrors.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:42:34 AM
Yes, some things are better blotted out ... such as roberts's  :-* face!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:42:54 AM
LL --I wish I could cast a proper spell on him but alas he makes me too weak-kneed to make a decent potion!

Geo -- I hear that happens a lot. I've blotted a lot with time, too, and I'm not even divorced!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:44:34 AM
I've tried to blot out many a misdemeanour ... so now I believe I've always been the epitome of perfection!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:44:43 AM
 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:45:49 AM
ugh! ugh! ugh, a thousand times, UGH!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:46:10 AM
You just made me lost my Internet connection for a minute then ... how utterly repulsive!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:46:39 AM
Two hags of one mind!  As ever!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:47:02 AM
Blotting out is a way of life these days - like the fact that I have almost no milk for my essential few cups of coffee in the morning.  So if I wake up at some ungodly hour tomorrow like 5.30 (just hate that on the weekend), I'm going to have to find the closest 24 hour shop and face the world to buy some.  Yuk.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:47:36 AM
I'm just spreading the love...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:47:57 AM
You could always drink it black, geo, I always do .... no calories and all the taste!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:48:19 AM
Well don't spread it over me, mate!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:49:47 AM
Too bad, Linda...it can't be stopped...nothing can dampen my spirit this evening...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:50:03 AM
I have been desperate enough to drink it black.  Could make me really grumpy though.

Do you think roberts is really ugly?  That would explain why he always has to post pictures of other people instead of himself.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:51:14 AM
Geo ... yes, I do think roberts is probably akin to the Elephant Man in looks ... poor soul!  >:D

roberts .... I think you need a cold shower!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:51:47 AM
myself  ???

Why would I want to do that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:52:58 AM
Why would you not want to do that .... that is the question?  Something shameful to hide, most probably!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:54:48 AM
like this
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:55:31 AM
No, just be rather boring...oh yes, and I have something shameful to hide...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:56:15 AM
Presactly!  >:D  Except, hopefully, not out in the open air, he'd terrify all manner of fauna, probably the flora, too!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:56:25 AM
Or perhaps indoors would be better so his neighbours didn't have to look - and probably fall over laughing
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:57:04 AM
.... we're on the same wavelength, geo!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:58:10 AM
Can I have the outdoor one please
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:58:23 AM
Cool shower, by the way!  I mean cool as in fab ... not as in not very warm, obviously!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:59:09 AM
Thought you had something shameful to hide ... why would you want to expose it outdoors, in broad daylight?!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:59:52 AM
A rather swish looking showerhead - probably wasted on roberts.  This might be more like him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:59:58 AM
I'd be wearing my Marc Bolan face mask...of course
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:01:11 AM
That's probably an actual picture of him, geo!!

roberts ... you can hide all you like behind the beautiful face of Marc Bolan ... you will still be hideous underneath it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:01:58 AM
la la la la
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:02:57 AM
How childish!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:03:38 AM
That's rich coming from you Linda...relax will you
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:03:51 AM
We could buy him this Psycho shower curtain.  I've really got to get off google I think!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:05:15 AM
That's ideal, geo!  Or, we could just get a plain shower curtain and I could stand behind it with a real knife!

I am relaxed, roberts, just not childish!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:06:19 AM
good grief...have it your own way Linda...

la la la la
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:07:40 AM
Thank you ... I will!

Am off now .... 'things' to be done ..... try not to miss me too much in my absence!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:10:08 AM
Now that is a great idea Linda
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:11:00 AM
I thought so!  Give roberts hell for me, geo, I must fly away now ...........  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:16:30 AM
I'm ready...I've got my full body armour on
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:19:16 AM
Yes, a much better look roberts.  Night.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 10, 2007, 10:09:54 AM



WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY
BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST
LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN
FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT on IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 01:35:49 PM
Ahhhhh, the memories -- fairly made me weep with sentiment!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 11, 2007, 02:08:34 PM
I will happily vouch for numbers 1,2,3,6,8,9, and 12. Not necessarily in that order....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 02:31:48 PM
Oh, but I can truly and authentically add 10 & 11!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 02:52:00 PM
So glad we all agree............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 02:54:04 PM
 and while we're on the subject.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 02:56:56 PM
I'm ready too, dahling! Yes, where IS that dear, dear man?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 03:50:47 PM
Just remember......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 03:56:07 PM
Like this guy!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 12, 2007, 08:06:55 PM
I'm not sure you are allowed to use that kind of language here threeb....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 12, 2007, 09:07:03 PM
Really? Oh, well, then, how about this (it's a "clean" translation"):

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 12, 2007, 11:52:56 PM
Eye Eye!!
Eye see what you're getting at...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 12:18:14 AM
He's got his eyes on something, too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 13, 2007, 11:25:59 AM
For those of us who prefer Chihuahua to cleaning our house, here's a pack of excuses:

http://www.frontiernet.net/~shelby304/specials/dontdowindows/nowindows.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 13, 2007, 11:29:03 AM
Oh, Birdy......I shall print that, enlarge it, laminate it and hang it on the wall.....it is my entire philosophy of life!  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 13, 2007, 11:33:43 AM
I'm not sure Linda wants to read the first one - but I'm sure she doesn't want any b___ds crashing into her windows.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 13, 2007, 11:36:33 AM
(http://img246.imageshack.us/img246/8399/thumbsup4kk.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 01:28:22 PM
As you all well know, this has been my philosophy for years, too! It was not very long ago that I even asked whether everyone named their dust bunnies, remember?

Perfect!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 07:51:00 PM
Very good, birdy!  Of course, they are excuses I use most every day, except for the first one, natch! ... anyway, I have a lovely window cleaner to do that hideous chore!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 13, 2007, 07:57:24 PM
Birdy, they read just like my 10 commandments that i follow religiously when it comes to cleaning...

Having said that, my house has been unusually clean and tidy for the last 3 weeks while my girls have been staying with their Dad.
They came home yesterday....when i walked in, an hour after they got home from school, i nearly phoned the police...i thought we had been burgled...or a tornado had whipped through the house.....

I was not a happy bunny.....but the dust bunnies can come home too now.... :'(  :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:26:37 PM
I've seen this before, but it's always funny, so for those who haven't, I just wanted to share a larf or two! And ... it's all clean!  ;)

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 11:31:22 PM
I especially like the slow moving, sad old gentleman one ... but then I have a warped sense of humour!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:39:11 PM
Yeah, that one made me chuckle too -- hag humour is always Twisted, Sister!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 11:46:25 PM
Presactly!  >:D  Our ominous cackles can be heard far and wide!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:58:19 PM
Heeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:07:03 AM
Speaking of witches .... do you get the TV prog. 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'?  It's just started again and one of the people on it is Janice Dickinson ... what an odious creature she is ... botoxed to within an inch of her life, loud/foul mouthed, rude and brash .. apart from that, I quite like her!!  (Not really, of course!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:13:18 AM
If we get it, I haven't heard of it. Loud, brash and toboxed  >:D? Sounds like a Brit version of Joan Rivers -- who really can be hilarious, but I still do like her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:14:54 AM
Janice Dickinson is American, threeb!  Surely, you know her?  Google her at once, if not, while I nip off for 10 minutes ... back v. soon ... don't go away!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:25:24 AM
Mission accomplished -- as ordered by the Great Hag! I read that she was abused by her father who told her she'd never amount to anything.

In her autobiography, "No Lifeguard on Duty", she claims that she was partly responsible for her father's death because she had discarded his heart medication pills, and he had a heart attack that night and died. The statute of limitation for prosecuting Dickinson for the death of her father was up by the time the book was published.

Explains a lot about what she says:

"And I will never, ever respond to anybody - man, woman, vegetable, or mineral - who tells me to keep my mouth shut."
"As the saying goes, I want to be the best-looking corpse there is."
"Beauty opened all the doors; it got me things I didn't even know I wanted, and things I certainly didn't deserve."
"But as a young model, I never felt as beautiful as I looked."
"But you see, that's the gilded prison of fashion. We're riding in private jets, and meantime I was so incredibly, painfully sad and lonely."
"Celebrity is hawking make-up, cars, everything; it's shifted."
"Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections."
"Everyone steals from something or someone."
"I borrow bits from everyone."
 ... and the piece de resistance --- "I can wrap my legs around my neck."




 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:29:08 AM
Oh, and this, too:

Everything about the cover photo is retouched and digitally enhanced to make me look good. Hey, I fool the camera. I’m a liar, a magician. I'm 51 years old. Without the fake breasts and the face lift, there'd be a middle-aged gray-haired lady staring at you
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:38:44 AM
Well, there you go!  She certainly looks nothing like that photo and she said she was 53 last night!
The programme is about a bunch of C list celebs who are deposited in a jungle somewhere in Australia, I believe.  They are divided into two camps and someone is voted from each camp to do a trial ... the winner gets food for their camp and the losing camp gets nothing! 
Janice D volunteered to do the first trial (as she is an alpha woman and is scared of nothing!) ... funny thing was, she was too scared to put her hands in a tank of eels (so as to retrieve stars) and lost the challenge!!  The public now vote for the people they want to do the trials and, surprisingly, she has been voted to do the next one, too!!  Serves her right, big gob!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:40:05 AM
Sounds like a cross between "Survivor" and "American Idol"!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:43:11 AM
Never seen Survivor but a new series of X Factor is on now ... almost same as Pop Idol ... Simon Cowell and Sharon Osborne on panel of judges!  Call me strange, but there's something about Simon I quite like!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:45:12 AM
Of course! He wear black t-shirts, and acts completely like  >:D >:D >:D >:D! You can't help but adore him! I do!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:49:12 AM
Yes, and he tells the truth ... however painful!  Think he's got lovely arms ... but the teeth are a bit too white and perfect for my liking now ... weren't like that before he started appearing on US TV!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 01:06:29 AM
Yes -- the TEETH again! I'll knock 'em out!

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/fingers/fing23.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2007, 02:18:50 AM
Threeb,
Thanks for that list of insurance statements.  I've seen a similar one before, and the sadfaced old man was always my favorite.  What does it say about us that we all howl with laughter at that one?  (though I was rather noisily laughing through most of the list)  I hadn't seen the excuse about the hedge jumping up, though.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 14, 2007, 02:46:36 AM
They were little gems threeb...
As you say, i have seen something similar....they had me in stitches....

Simon Cowell needs to drink more black coffee and red wine and take up smoking...his smile would be less 'Ross-like' then....i love his comments...it's the only good thing about that show.
I can't be doing with the jungle thing.....loathe it....
Cirque de Celebrite is my fave celebrity reality show...oh! and Strictly come dancing....apart from the farcical voting.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 02:48:41 AM
Hideous programmes ... have you no taste, woman?!  >:D
Simon does smoke ... he's always nipping out for a fag!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 14, 2007, 03:13:24 AM
Yes i do....all bad....
but bad taste is better than no taste at all...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 03:28:05 AM
I wouldn't know, being of impeccable taste myself!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on November 14, 2007, 04:07:56 AM
I agree about Janice Dickinson: She looks nothing like Threeb's photo she supplied of her, and she is incredibly obnoxious!  Great minds think alike, I suppose.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 07:51:01 AM
Indeed and presactly, anonsi!  >:D  She is such a bully and her face now looks like a plastic doll (an old plastic doll)!!  The British public will vote for her in their droves so that she has to face all manner of disgusting 'trials' ... hope she gets the one where she has to eat bugs, eyes and other animal parts ... a kangaroo's penis was on the menu last year!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:17:38 AM
I THINK this is the right thread for the following..................



Stare at this and see if you can find the hidden image...It's kinda fun if you try. You'll be quite amazed when you find out what it is:

{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++))))))))))))))))/////////////%
|||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^''''''''}}}}}}}]]]]]]]>>>>>>>><<<<<<<%%
\=/////////^^!~~~~~:>>>>>>>>:---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<>%
====]]\\\\\///////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%

Think about what you think it is, and now scroll to the bottom for the answer.

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Do you know what it is yet?

Give up?

Ok, I'll give you one more chance if you don't know... scroll back up and put your nose right up on the screen... that usually makes it easier for most people. Then, if you still give up, scroll down when you want the answer...
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Ok, ready... Here's the answer for you:

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It's.........NOTHING, you idiot. I can't believe you fell for that ! I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against the monitor!  Don't hate me -- just pass it on and make a fool of someone else!

 :D :D :D :D :D :D


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:26:29 AM
If that didn't appeal to you, perhaps this will......

THE THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM MOVIES

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

* The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty.

* You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

* People on TV never finish their drinks.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* The chief of police always shouts.

* When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

* Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

* Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man (or woman) invulnerable to bullets.

* A single lit match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

* If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

* Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

* All single women have a cat.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on November 14, 2007, 01:07:05 PM
Uh-oh...I'm in trouble.  My fridge light is burnt out at the moment.  However will I see what I'm doing in the kitchen at night now?  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2007, 04:40:32 PM
my monitor now has a smudge in the middle where I pressed my nose...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on November 14, 2007, 07:10:50 PM
Lol @ Birdy  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:05:36 PM
Then there's this one..........

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the- King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.




(http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/dirtbox/pics/muttley.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:08:43 PM
 :D :D :D :D  Binkie, you are such a joyous hag to have around!!  I am going to try those ... see if I get committed within a week!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:26:14 PM
Go on........I dare you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:27:12 PM
Never dare a headstrong hag!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:28:27 PM
And finally.......


HOW TO HAVE FUN IN A DEPARTMENT STORE...

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

* Re-dress the mannequins.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

* Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.Magic!"

* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department

* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

* Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

* "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.




I'm off.......see you guys!

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:30:25 PM
I do most of those already, Binks!  Hope to catch up for a long chat soon.  Be good(ish)!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 09:51:22 PM
The first thread I get to this morning is this one, and boy oh boy, I couldn't even take a sip of coffee I was laughing so hard. Oh, Binks -- you little doll -- thanks so much for making my day right off the bat!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 15, 2007, 12:52:44 AM
Those were really funny Binks...
Thanks for cheering my day...
I'm off to try and buy a GLASS HAMMER.....
and put mu new 'IN' tray on my desk....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 15, 2007, 02:17:55 AM
I can just see the sales person saying, "Now is that a hammer made of glass, or a hammer to hit glass?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 15, 2007, 02:34:09 AM
I would just tell them that i didn't know, that was what i was asked to come and get..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:08:03 AM
What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head??

Mandy Lifeboat.

What do you call a man with a truck on his head??

Laurie

What do you call a man with turf on his head??

Pete

What do you call a ghost who haunts TV shows??

Phantom of the Oprah

Boom boom!
 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 11:38:20 AM
Ha ha Binx...

What do you call a man with a seagull on his shoulder?

Cliff

Can't think of any more at the mo...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:42:44 AM
Ditto, apart from this

What do you call a woman far away on the horizon?

Dot

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 11:43:39 AM
How sad is that???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:50:40 AM
...what makes them so funny and so pathetic!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:53:09 AM
Just like me!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:55:08 AM
You are NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT pathetic, binks! Just wonnnnnnnnnnnnderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:02:54 PM
I agree with you threeb...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:07:42 PM
I know where to come to when my self-esteem needs recharging!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:09:33 PM
I'm not sure whether I've posted this one before.....too lazy to search, so forgive me if you've heard it.....

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and still make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And now you're wondering how I had De Gaulle to send this to you. I just figured I had nothing. Toulouse.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:10:48 PM
See, you are just funny...
We are your International fan Club Binx....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:11:45 PM
And for my next trick.....

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future;

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:12:21 PM
P.S They're not my creations.....would that they were!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:12:47 PM
Binkie...you have way too much time on your hands...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:14:51 PM
And thank goodness for that.....

Binx keeps me in laughs all week....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 12:15:21 PM
All of us!!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:17:00 PM
way too much time...put to good use!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:17:18 PM
This may only be intelligible to Aussies......

Australian Etiquette

GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the cask, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no; it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.


DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back home. Some will
say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the man's responsibility to withdraw from the date ASAP.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing someone's bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
your popularity.
3. The groom, at least, should rent a tux. A tracksuit, even with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper, can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for that sorta
occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roobar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:19:58 PM
I rest my case......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:21:23 PM
now i understand why i had such difficulty getting my first job!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:23:34 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:46:20 PM
I have decided that my true calling is that of court jester, or perhaps class clown. Serious thought eludes me. You have been warned.

Thoughts On Aging


1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

12. It was so different before everything changed.

13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

16. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

17. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

20. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.

21. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

22. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

23. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

24. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

25. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

26. If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

27. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

28. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

29. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

31. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

32. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

33. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth




(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:53:13 PM
You have, and always will be, the most consistently hilarious poster here, binks! I don't know how many times you have regaled us with your sweet insanity, but when you're in the zone, you shine! I nominate you for the title of "Official Humorist Laureate of Chi", or Jester-at-Large, forthwith!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:56:28 PM
I thank you, my lady, for your gracious bestowal of titles. I shall attempt to repay your kindness with more quaint quips, humorous homilies and amusing anecdotes.
I remain, ma'am, your humble servant
Binks the Buffoon

(http://ganjataz.com/01smileys/images/smileys/Mad%20Jester.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:58:04 PM
My pleasure!

... and you should make that: Binks the Brilliant Buffoon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:06:30 AM
I'm not one to toot my own trombone, you know. For your perusal, I offer the following......

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It i s important that these four men don't know each other.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:08:50 AM
It is probably (though improbable) important that men read that, too,and take it seriously. All four of them!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:16:20 AM
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


And on that philosophical note, I shall bid you all a good night. Adieu my friends, adieu! (exits left with a flourish*)

*a flourish is a sort of flowering radish, often used by court jesters.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:21:24 AM
Goodness gracious, dear! Another insane list ... I particularly liked the one about the tests! Thanks, and sleep well!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:26:10 AM
P.S       BREAKING NEWS!

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:27:44 AM
Now I really AM going to bed.....it's 11.30, and I've been up since 5.00am, hence the hysteria-born-of-tiredness posting!
Night, Threeb!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:56:21 AM
Don't let the bedbugs bite, binks. It's been a hoot!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 04:10:34 PM
For The Information Of Ladies Only.........

Mammogram Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there

is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for

a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice

exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and

best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises

right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between

the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest

friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on

the door for good measure. Hold that position for five

seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't

effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the

cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes

and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged

under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly

back the car up until your breast is sufficiently

flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other

breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.

Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends

against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together

as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger

to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 10:11:13 PM
Ah, Marquis de Sade truly lives again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 11:17:24 PM
Hello all! A very brief visit....I'm off to bed soon, to rest up before another day of being a human climbing frame/dancing partner/song singer/playdough-squisher/mopper-upper/nose-blower etc!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 18, 2007, 11:33:50 PM
Having loads of technical problems today.  See I've changed my piccy .... if you can be a court jester, binks, and threeb insists on being a golden goddess, I can be a little devil!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:37:43 PM
Good to see you're still up, binks -- love the new avatar!

Here's a bit of a larf .. at the expense of men, though, so the males here, be forewarned!

Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:38:37 PM
And, yours too, LL! Perfect!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 11:41:28 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


Boom boom!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:59:12 PM
Here are a handful of questions found on www.stupidquiz.com -- perhaps these could be asked on another show called, "Are You Smarter Than a Toddler?" ---

Do you think thespians should be able to adopt children?

A) No, thespianism is a sin
B) Yes, the world needs more thespians
C) Yes, as long as they are as attractive as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
D) What's a thespian?

Which is the correct spelling of Marry Poppins' favorite phrase?

A) supercalafragalisticexpialladocious
B) supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
C) supercalifrajillisticexpiallidoshus
D) supercallafragilisticexpeealladoshus


Where do the Ewoks live?
A) Alabama
B) India
C) Endor
D) Sesame Street


Which of these is real?   

A) Santa Claus
B) Tooth Fairy
C) Midgets
D) Leprechauns


If someone calls you an Aussie, its because they think:
 A) You're from Austria
 B) You're Awesome
 C) You're from Australia
 D) They're in love with you




Which of these is Fictional?   

A) Bruce Lee
B) Bruce Wayne
C) Bruce Springsteen
D) Bruce Willis







Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:33:50 AM
Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:37:45 AM
In the interest of being "fair and balanced", here are a few dumb blonde jokes, too:

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The person called back."

This blonde walked into a party store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger or something to unlock her car because she locked her keys in the car. He nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him and went outside to set to work. A little while later the cashier decided to check on her and saw her working at it and another blonde in the car was saying "a little to the left...no, a little to the right..."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:50:20 AM
And also, being fair and balanced, we can turn to the animal world:

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.

What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator.

Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because they were guilty of purrjury.

How does the cat get its own way?
With friendly purrsuasion.

What is a cat's favourite colour? (Sorry, LL!)
P*rrrrrrr*le!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:57:55 AM
... And a few quotes for the dogs:

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 01:53:17 AM
Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 19, 2007, 07:26:29 AM
   
    CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 19, 2007, 07:41:09 AM
way too much time... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 19, 2007, 07:47:07 AM
I just don't sleep, that's all!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 19, 2007, 07:50:51 AM
Have a great day Binkie... :-C
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 19, 2007, 09:11:00 PM
You've missed your calling Binx and Threeb...
You are a great comedy duo....

I have been in stitches for the last 10 minutes reading that lot...[although some i have posted myself previously, somewhere....]

There were so many i will need to read them again....and again ........and again.. :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 09:50:00 PM
I just couldn't stop ... having too much fun! Now, I'll need to re-read some of Binks', too.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 08:37:28 PM


A husband, after taking his wife to his firm's dinner-dance, told her that she had let him down badly, and wouldn't take her to another function again.
In time, a fancy dress ball came along, and he made it clear that his wife was not invited.
She asked what he was going to wear, and he said he proposed to go as Micky Mouse.
The night of the ball came and off he went.
Sitting alone, she phoned her mother and told the story. The mother insisted she come over and they could quickly knock up a Minnie Mouse costume with mask, and she could go, unrecognised.

When she arrived at the ball she spotted Micky embracing 2 masked busty blondes. Playing her cards right she managed to get Micky onto the balcony.
Saying she was cold she asked if he had a car near by they could sit in. Of course he had, just a few feet away, and soon they found themselves in the back seat.

At midnight she rushed home and by the time her husband got home she was sitting by the fire in her dressing gown.
'Did you have a good time?' she asked.
'No'. he replied, 'Just a few drinks with the boys.'
'What? No Minnie Mouses?' she asked.
'Aw, don't give me that,' he said- 'The Micky Mouse costume didn't fit; so i went as Robin Hood!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 08:46:43 PM
 :laugh:  It's the way you tell 'em!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:00:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

We knew you had the knack for it!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:10:24 PM
I'm crap at telling jokes.....

In a stationers a pretty girl was looking at the cards under the 'To my sweetheart - MALES' section.

Carefully she read each card, and rejected them all until she found the one she really liked. It simply said 'Because i love only you.'.

Shyly she walked up to the counter and said to the assistant.....

'I'll take half a dozen of these, please!!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:12:03 PM
Whaddya mean no good at it? I can hear you talking ... holding your own show. You're really very funny!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:16:12 PM
Funny peculiar!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:19:20 PM
No it's not in this thread....

Keep looking everybody please........    :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:19:47 PM
Bog off again!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:32:34 PM
Has anyone checked out the Word games section ???
It could be hiding in there....no-one would suspect that place....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:33:24 PM
Nope, not there either!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:38:38 PM
I am not dignifying your comments with a response .... except to say, BOG OFF!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 09:47:52 PM
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ?
I can't keep trawling back through all these posts to find out!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:48:59 PM
Take no notice, Binks ... T seems to think that I've lost my sense of humour and she and threeb are looking for it ..... absolutely hilarious!  (Not!!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 09:52:09 PM
How frightfully cruel and heartless of them. I'm sure you've only misplaced it temporarily, Linda dear.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:53:03 PM
Perhaps the hibernating bear took it into the cave with him!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:55:41 PM
If one could find anything humorous in these threads one would split one's sides laughing but, to date, one can not find anything remotely funny here .... one is not amused!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:59:28 PM
I thought that was, "WE" are not amused.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 10:01:25 PM
Linda may well be one of the hupper classes, unlike the rest of us hoi polloi, but royal she ain't!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:04:18 PM
That's what I thought!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:10:26 PM
One was speaking for one's self ... only me and the cat here at the minute and he's not laughing his whiskers off either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:14:37 PM
I can see why!  >:D ... all alone ... with just you ...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:18:13 PM
... couldn't resist!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:24:28 PM
He does look quite a bit like  >:D ... same ears at least!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:41:12 PM
This big???????

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:47:40 PM
No ... more like this ...

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:48:34 PM
Just gorgeous, LL -- truly a hag-worthy grimalkin! (See new thread!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:50:01 PM
He's the spitting image of my cat ... Smokey ... a good hag name for a good hag cat!!

Must be off for a bit now ... just found out got visitors coming round soon ... need to tidy up self and house!  Hope to speak later!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 23, 2007, 11:48:48 PM
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten
Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner...

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 24, 2007, 12:17:15 PM
I only needed one sign, not 10:  there were three delicious desserts right there in front of me and I had no interest in any of them.

I didn't even have any turkey, because there was no room on the plate, which was filled with smashed potatoes, yams, asparagus, the traditional green beans/mushroom soup/onion rings casserole, Brussels sprouts with sauteed chestnuts, beets, collard greens, savory bread stuffing, a  bread stuffing made with fruits instead of meats, and a cranberry/orange sauce.  I skipped the gravy because as you know, I'm trying to lose weight.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 12:59:56 PM
I'm sure you gave that diet your best shot, birdy! Birdy missed the bird though ... interesting.

Look, I just never worry about it until after Christmas, 'cause I know it's a lost cause. Getting out for a bit of exercise is about all I can muster -- a walk, playing with the kiddos, anything that resembles a bit of excess movement.

Jello can wait till January!
 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:03:10 PM
I wish we had thanksgiving! Even Christmas isn't much of a feast - too hot to eat much.

Best food festival is mid-winter Christmas (25 July.) That's when we go nuts. The stores all bring out a small selection of Xmas crackers etc., and we eat large quantities of turkey, at least ten varieties of roasted veg, and Xmas pud all washed down with copious quantites of Deutz (very good locally made bubbly.)

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 01:09:43 PM
Mid-winter Christmas in July sounds so weird -- hard to think of snow in July, when we're in the dog days of summer, drought and trips to the coast for boating or jumping in the river for a good swim!

That would be like us celebrating a mid-summer New Years Eve! You really should have some kind of Thanksgiving that you could invent. Although, your Guy Fawkes fest sounds like a very cool thing, and that's something we don't have here. I guess its rival here might be St. Patty's, which of course, you probably do enjoy as well.

I don't think we have enough real celebrations! It's mostly "honoring" or "recognizing," someone, but not much of it is really just plain fun. And these days, we could use a bit of that.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:22:13 PM
Hard to think of snow at all actually. Apparently it snowed in Auckland in 1936. But not enough to settle on the ground and be left over the following day.

My kids have seen snow only on mount Ruapehu which is an active volcano (bottom pic shows an eruption this October) in the centre of North Island. There are a number of ski fields operating on the mountain and we've been there skiing a number of times. The volcano erupted spectacularly in 1995. The cloud of ash was so massive that it spread across the island and Auckland airport was closed for days because of poor visibility.

The kids always referred to these holidays as being "at the snow." To this day, they'll say words along the lines of "no, he's not here this weekend - he's gone to the snow."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 01:27:02 PM
That's also a strange sight -- snow on a volcano. Fire and ice in the same proximity. NZ just looks so beautiful, and thanks to you, I have learned a lot about it, which makes me want to go there even more than ever!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:40:41 PM
The name of the largest ski resort is Whakapapa. 'wh' is pronounced f and overseas visitors think this name is hilarious; rude but hilarious. It means ancestral lineage in Maori.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 02:39:30 PM
Fascinating how the "wh" is pronounced -- kind of like our "ph". It is a hilarious, and slightly rude-sounding, word, though.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 26, 2007, 08:31:33 PM
I think this is still the humorous thread.......... 

Please Note............use of a fairly vulgar word is contained in the following post.

Subject: His & Hers Diaries...


 LADY'S DIARY

Thursday, 24th June


 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

 The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

 All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
 didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

 He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
 hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
 matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

 He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we
made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep..


 MAN'S DIARY:


Thursday 24th June

 West Ham lost to Arsenal. Gutted. Got a shag though.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 26, 2007, 10:04:49 PM
Binks,
That was bloody hilarious.....
Brilliant.................
So true......

Thanks mate...that's the most i've laughed in days.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 26, 2007, 11:43:48 PM
That really was so wonderfully hilarious, binks!

Here's a cute one, totally unrelated, but I thought it was a good one, too.


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 26, 2007, 11:56:59 PM
 :D :D :D :D to all of the above!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 02:42:42 AM
That's very funny too.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 05:59:45 AM
      A guy wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK and you'll walk again but something happened and I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'"
 
    Now the fellow groans a bit but the doctor goes on,  "You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.'"

      The fellow perks up at this.

      "So the thing is the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for  nine
inches she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inch one this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

      So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

      "So, says the doctor,  'Have you spoken with your wife?'"

      "I have." says the fellow.

      "And has she helped you in making the decision?'"

      "She has, "says the fellow.

      "And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

      "We're getting a new kitchen...."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 06:02:39 AM
Bobbi....that's so funny....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 06:11:41 AM
smile and the whole world smiles with you...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 06:37:51 AM
Very clever...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 06:49:37 AM
Thank you, Bobbi and Threeb! You started my day with a chortle, which is always a good way to begin.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 07:00:18 AM

   Subject:  What England has become...

 Horatio Nelson: "Hardy, fly the message!"

 Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"
 Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her
 duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
 Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
 employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
 censors, lest it be considered racist."

 Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
 Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
 working environments."

 Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
 mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
 Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
 Government's policy on binge drinking."

 Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full
 speed ahead."
 Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
 stretch of water."

 Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
 history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
 please."
 Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
 Nelson: "What?"
 Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
 and
 they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
 up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
 Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
 Admiral."

 Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
 Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
 environment for the differently abled."

 Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
 playing the disability card."
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
 areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
 Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
 the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
 breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
 men to stand by to engage the enemy."
 Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
 Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
 with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
 lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 Nelson: "We're not?"
 Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
 According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
 stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
 Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
 that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
 King."
 Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
 Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
 sodomy and the lash?"
 Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
 corporal punishment."

 Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
 Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 09:32:50 AM
You are funny Binks....
I have been laughing all day....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 09:51:44 AM
It is my mission in life, my friend, since I shall never be a neurosurgeon, movie star or win Australian Idol.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 10:02:41 AM
You're well on your way then mate....
You have me in fits all the time...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 10:04:34 AM
That funny politically correct Nelson update reminded me of the Noah's Ark joke e-mail that did the rounds here a year or two ago:

For the uninitiated:
   MAF     Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries
   DoC     Department of Conservation
   ACC     Accident Compensation Commission
   WINZ    Work and Income New Zealand  (who hand out the benefits a.k.a. dole)
   tapu    (Maori) taboo, being sacred (religion)
   kakapo  one of three New Zealand native parrots, now almost extinct, despite best efforts long-term survival    is questionable

IF NOAH LIVED TODAY...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents Association objected,  claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West  Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DoC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected
and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to  negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So
now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic
engineering practices were involved.

The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport,  areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity of Earth.

Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself. She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 10:09:11 AM
That's very funny bobbi...
...and very sad, because it is just so true....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:10:34 AM
I love it!   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:50:46 AM
I finally put up my Christmas tree.............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:51:39 AM
Damn.....had to resize the photo and now you can't see that it's made of beer bottles !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 12:12:28 PM
Found this the other day, and it rather appealed to me.


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided
I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the
complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbookand my car-keys, my credit card bills and my
401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause.............."Tag! You're it."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 03:20:17 PM
Binks, that was absolutely precious and wonderful. Really uplifted me, I must say! Oh, the wonders of childhood. Must be the influence of the grandkids at work!

And bobbi, your tidbit was also very (sarcastically) insightful -- inspiring, even. As was binks' earlier entry!

I love all you guys!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 07:46:33 PM
And now something similar to Bobbi's last hilarious offering........



   The Office Christmas Party 2007

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2007
RE : The Office Christmas Party 2007:
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00
to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
Special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party:
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though, unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party' . The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be
no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA
Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now
since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with
gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food ... we
suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first..
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply 'No Sugar' desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?
Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know
tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next memo ...
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2007
RE : Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 07:55:16 PM
 :D :D :D  Sounds very much like the place I used to work!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 08:09:41 PM
I like that one too Binks....
Whatever happened to 'live and let live'...and tolerance??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 09:22:06 PM
#1 daughter's just started working at a Kindy (Kiwispeak for preschool). And we're being educated into the worst possible excesses of PC life. Honestly it's all driven by risk averse phobic parents! The place is so damn safe it's positively dull! What happened to the monkey bars? Sure a kid or two broke an arm every year, but that's because they were dumb kids, not because the Kindy was negligent!

Let go that PC stuff and bring back a modicum of danger I say  :police:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 09:30:12 PM
So say I, too!  When we were kids we played all kinds of adventurous games in nearby woods, used to ride for miles on our bikes, out all day, only coming home for supper!  The swimming pool was actually fun ... we could throw ourselves off the diving boards, play games, duck each other ... now there's none of that ... boring and safe and unchallenging!  The nanny state of affairs has gone too far.  And another thing ... the no smoking in any public area is ridiculous ... obviously it shouldn't be allowed in restaurants etc but not to be allowed to smoke in a pub is just plain stupid, in my opinion, and lots of pubs have suffered the effects of the no smoking ban.  Why can't those pubs that want to have a no-smoking room or area?  Why are the smokers forced to stand outside?  Discrimination!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 09:38:23 PM
I think that is 2 different objections LLLLLLL...
Valid both...

Nothing wrong with kids getting dirty, eating mud and worms, falling over and grazing a knee...i'm all for it too...
These days kids are too sterile, no wonder they are allergic to everything, don't know how, or want to play outside....Daren't climb a tree in case their clothes get ruined....Can't go scrumping because they would get an ASBO.... apart from the other risks of course....Is it any wonder they are turning into moronic, mindless nothings....that can kill everything in a computer game...

As to the smoking LLLLL...i like going home not stinking of smoke after a night out....but it still pisses me off having to go outside for a ciggie....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 27, 2007, 09:48:59 PM
LL & T - I'm with you 100%.  In Oz we now have rules that there is no smoking in any areas that serve food - even chips at a bar.  As we have an enormous amount of outdoor drinking areas (given that we have a rather hot climate and don't need to huddle indoors to keep warm), I really don't understand why we can't have smoking areas where smokers are allowed to consume food.  It could be a choice that if you are not a smoker - choose another area to eat.  Simple.  But no, smokers are forced to leave the premises (sometimes you're able to take your drink with you).  The only good thing is that I've met and talked to lots of smokers who I wouldn't have met in the old days.  Smokers are a friendly bunch I think!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 09:51:47 PM
Quite right, geo!  I was listening to a man on TV the other night who said he goes and stands outside with the smokers, although he doesn't smoke himself, just because they are the more interesting people!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:00:49 PM
At the risk of sounding repetitive, I agree with all the above!
Re children......I feel sorry for many of today's kids who seem to have no chance to enjoy simple, adventurous pleasures like Linda outlined. Sure, parents are right to worry about child safety, but we seem to have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. How are children going to learn independence, self assurance and general physical confidence? I'm not in the least surprised at the figures on childhood obesity. It can't all be blamed on fast food........how many kids these days go home to grab a bite and then head off outside to play, swim, kick a ball etc? Not many in our neighbourhood, at any rate. Apart from that, it horrifies me to see so many children driven to school and back every day. Given that most children enroll in a school close to home, it seems ludicrous that so few of them walk to school. In my day we had to walk 15 miles, barefoot in the snow, uphill.....both ways!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:13:38 PM
Won't repeat it all as you've all put it so beautifully! Unbloodybelievable what's happening to people these days -- and too many are buying into it! There will be a backlash, ladies!! Just watch out!  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:18:46 PM
And now, in a totally unrelated matter, I wish to present:

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
(This item was submitted via email by Trevor Penhalluriack, from Australia, author unknown).


1.   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3.    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4.    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5.    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6.    If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7.    The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8.    The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9.    A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:32:41 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 10:43:37 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:46:03 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 01:27:18 AM
Ha ha  :laugh:  :laugh:
That'll be me in approximately 10 years or so....

And talking of snails....

A safety officer went to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back.
'What are you supposed to be?' asked the host.
'I'm a snail'. said the safety officer. The hosts raised his eyebrows.
'How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?'
'That's not a girl,' the safety officer replied. 'That's Michelle.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 01:34:44 AM
You can't beat a good Peter Kay joke!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 01:40:46 AM
Thanks for the uplift, T! Binks! LLLLLLL! Gotsta runnnnnnnn -- ceeyallayter!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 01:44:05 AM
Fair well free bee!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 02:50:48 AM
The Smarter sex....

A woman and a man are involved in a car crash. It's a bad one, and both cars are right-offs, but neither of them were hurt.

After crawling out of the cars the woman says,
'Wow, look at our cars, there's nothing left, but we are unhurt. It must be a sign from God that we should meet, be friends and live the rest of our lives together in peace.'

The man replied, 'i agree completely, it must be a sign from God.'

The woman continued, 'And look at this, another miracle. My car is written off but this bottle of wine didn't break. It must be another sign, surely God wants us to drink this to celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man, who agrees with her, he opens the bottle, drinks 1/2 then hands it back to the woman.

The woman politely refuses to accept the wine.

The man asks, 'Aren't you going to have any?'

The woman replies, 'NO! I think i'll just wait for the police....'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 28, 2007, 05:24:48 AM
mean but smart  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 28, 2007, 01:39:35 PM
I'm not sure she is so smart.  If he was found to be over the alcohol limit, his insurance company wouldn't pay for her repairs and she may have to ruin her own 'no claim' rating when claiming against her own insurance company.  ???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 03:31:16 PM
Here's the story of a man driven to distraction:

There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.

"Hi, can I help you?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!"

"Geez, alright, relax," said the truck driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.
A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.

"Hi, can I help you sir?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now," screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax," said the truck driver. "I'll see what I can do."

He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.

Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.

"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."

But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistant. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"

The truck driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can imagine.

"Let me guess!!" the truck driver shouted, "you're the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want!!??"

To which the man in blue replied: "Your license and registration please."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 10:43:30 PM
Ha di ha.... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 10:50:10 PM
I'll admit, it's not terribly hilarious, but was the best I could do after pulling two 11-hour workdays, fighting a cold and about 10 hours of sleep in between!

But fear not, there's plenty more out there...let me go find some...must make people larf today!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 11:30:23 PM
In case anyone is in the mood to strike back after an injustice, I thought I'd post a few classic gems:

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- - - Jack London
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- - - Charles Talleyrand
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- - - H. H. Munro
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 11:42:19 PM
 :D :D :D  Especially the last saying!!  Hmmmm!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 11:43:37 PM
I have used the sperm one on several occasions.....
The trouble was...they were so slow, it was lost on them completely. Everyone else around was in hysterics though....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 29, 2007, 12:02:11 AM
The first and last are my favorites!!  >:D

Here's some more, with a twist -- guess which nationality is being described*
(*disclaimer: if anyone is sensitive about putting people down or insulting someone's culture, either read this or not -- you have been warned. This is a public service announcement.):

1.
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up ______ today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.
- - - D. H. Lawrence, 1912

2.
Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
- - - Charles Dickens

3.
_______ is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- - - Richard Brenner

4.
_________ is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.
- - - Billy Wilder

5.
The ________ have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
- - - Paul Theroux





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 29, 2007, 06:49:41 AM
And the answers are...The Poles!  The Morons!  The Blondes! - have you ever noticed that the Polish jokes of our (at least my) youth are now being told about blondes? 

I knew the last one (guessed it actually - my stereotypes must match the author's), but had to look up the others. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 29, 2007, 06:56:58 AM
I didn't have a clue...
I hope i don't know any of them, however the first one reminds me of someone!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 29, 2007, 07:34:32 AM
 :D :D :D :D  Presactly!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 29, 2007, 07:39:24 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D

   

Julie Andrews turns 69 -
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. one of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie, "Sound Of Music".
Here are the lyrics she used:


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 29, 2007, 10:11:28 AM
What a eulogy that would make.....

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 29, 2007, 10:53:05 AM
Shockingly, it sounded like a lot of the conditions I'm already starting to get! Oh, no!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 07:58:11 AM
Picture of blonde pole dancer coming up.......please do not scroll down if you feel you may find this offensive....















Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 01, 2007, 08:31:46 AM
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:34:14 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:36:59 AM
I'm requesting one of these for Christmas
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on December 01, 2007, 08:44:39 AM
Hehehe.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:45:53 AM
I think it could catch on, don't you, Anonsi?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 01, 2007, 09:34:33 AM
It's posher than just swigging it out of the bottle i suppose...you are posh Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 10:43:49 AM
Most certainly..........I always stick my little finger out while swigging, anyway.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 03:57:23 AM
It's hard to do that when the bottle is still in the brown paper bag it came in....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 02, 2007, 06:19:38 AM
Whilst swigging away, I also like to take that little pointed pinky (finger, that is), dip it into the beverage, and then gently, daintily dab a few drops behind each ear!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 02, 2007, 08:41:02 AM
Wrists are good too, threeb.  Backs of the knees might be misunderstood in a group situation, though, especially if it's someone else's knees.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 08:57:59 AM
I think that gin is the only good beverage for that...the others make you smell like a brewery...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 02, 2007, 10:45:06 AM
And what, pray tell, is wrong with that??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 11:06:39 AM
It's dead embarrassing in church...and the girls' teacher give me odd looks.... :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 02, 2007, 02:06:46 PM
Not to mention the minister/priest/rabbi/guru and the nuns and old ladies  --  although a few of them probably had a coupla swigs behind the sacristy (sacre-bleu!!!) before the service themselves!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 04, 2007, 09:57:01 AM
I was reading an article about lawyers today and it got me thinking-

If lawyers are disbarred does that mean that:
Clergymen are defrocked
electricians delighted
musicians denoted
cowboys deranged
models deposed
Dry cleaners depressed
laundry workers decrease, becoming depressed and depleted
bedmakers debunked
baseball players debased
landscapers deflowered
software engineers detested and i suppose, musical composers will eventually decompose!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 04, 2007, 10:53:45 AM
Do then, soldiers get detailed ... and (in another twist) carpenters become unhinged?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:14:19 AM
Or models deposed?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:16:55 AM
I lost 75 kilos in one day!
This is how to do it............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:24:04 AM

   WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN



(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)





To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"






"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.



"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "





"No Way !"


"Yes way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.





"Why?"




"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.






"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.


"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "

"Did too ! "


"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.




BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?







THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.



AND FINALLY

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:





"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 06, 2007, 08:51:33 AM
I will adopt those as my some of new 101 commandments....

That was really funny Binks....so painfully bloody true...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 06, 2007, 11:46:15 AM
As a bona fide grandma, I can appreciate that wholly!

I always told the kids, "wait till you have some of your own!" And now that they do, boy, what a nice bit of satisfaction... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 06, 2007, 12:42:34 PM
My older brother was quite a handful in his youth.  I've always said his son is my parents' revenge!  Even my brother says he can't really say too much - his son is just like him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 08, 2007, 10:12:27 PM
OK, everyone,

sing along, cadence notwithstanding ...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 8-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on December 08, 2007, 11:25:07 PM
Binkie, that is too good for words.  I am howling!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:04:02 AM
And for you big-business types:

CORPORATE MEMO

 
To:           All Staff
Date:        December 1
Subject:    New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

 
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
 

Happy Holidays all!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:33:02 AM
Just one more, for now (till the next one...)  ;) :

"How to tell if you're a Grinch!"

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.  (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.  (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.  (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.  (1 point for each  piece of sticky candy).   If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.  (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.  (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for  later consumption at home.  (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore].  (5 points)
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.  (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.  (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100:

20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.

30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 09, 2007, 02:14:46 AM
The last 3 posts have had me in stitches...
Good finds girls..i love them...
Thanks for that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 09, 2007, 04:20:08 AM
On more of a techie note, I submit the following, though it's been around for a while.  You will easily guess which of the characters I resemble.  Unfortunately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 09, 2007, 10:22:43 AM
The same one as me then mate....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 11:27:54 AM


       The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible
for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was
climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny
Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

      In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many
splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

      In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him
she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.

       The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go
into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

       She waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

       The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

       He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and
Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land
Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational
area.... I am sorry but they turned me down."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 11:37:51 AM
Back to the subject of Christmas...........this monologue used to be played on the radio every Christmas. It really needs to be heard, but this is the next best thing for those who don't know it. (Imagine an Irish accent!)

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS


Day 1
Dear Nola,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear tree. We are getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the Mother rather badly on the hand, but they're good friends now, and we're keeping the pear tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Bognot O'Launacy.

Day 2
Dear Nola
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you again so soon again, and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first, the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves, and they had a terrible row on the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet. But the birds are OK again, and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8, but the Mother is over her annoyance now, and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Bognot

Day 3
Dear Nola
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort out between the hens and the doves, who have sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The Mother was raging, for the bill was £16 this time, but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds droppings keep falling down on our hair while she's watching the telly doesn’t help matters.
Thanking you for your kindness, I remain,
You’re Bognot

Day 4
Dear Nola
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear tree again last night, and the vet’s bill was £32. The Mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm, and remain your close friend.
Bognot.

Day 5
Nola,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived, I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Bognot

Day 6
Nola,
What are you trying to do to us? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity, but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds, but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear tree, and his bill was £68 in cash! My Mother is munching 60 grains of valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
Bognot

Day 7
Nola,
We are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans a-swimming is a most romantic idea, but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they have gone completely savage, and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the Mother and I will smell as bad as the living room carpet. Please lay off! It is not fair.
Bognot.

Day 8
Nola,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight hefty maids a-milking here to eat us out of house and home? Their cattle are all over the front lawn, and have trampled the hell out of the Mother’s rose beds. The swans invaded the living room in a sneak attack, and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge made the Battle of the Somme seem like Wonderly Wagon. The Mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of valium. I’m very annoyed with you.
Bognot

Day 9
Listen you loser! There’s enough pandemonium in the place night and day, without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flamin' maids a-milking are eating my poor alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me.
Bognot

Day 10
Listen manure face! I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of the ten pipers piping, which were sent to torment us last night. They were aided in the evil work by those maniac drummers, and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids a-milking, all going round to the punk-rock uproar. My Mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey on top of 124 grains of valium. You’ll get yours!
Bognot O’Launacy

Day 11
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel. It was bad enough to have eight maids a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn, but they’ve now been joined by your friends, the eleven lords a-leaping, and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook! I’ll get you yet, you old bag!

Day 12
Listen slurry-head! You have ruined our lives! The twelve maidens dancing turn up last night, and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven lords a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living room where they’ve been hiding since the big battle and savaged the hell out of the lords and all the maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local civil defence as well. The Mother is in a home for the bewildered, and I’m sitting here up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the cows eat the leaves from the pear tree. I’m a broken man!
Bognot O’Launacy.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:27:06 PM
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
 
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
 
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
 
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
 
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
 
December 5
Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
 
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
 
December 7
Debug Windows '95
 
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
 
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.
 
December 13
Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
 
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
 
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
 
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
 
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
 
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
 
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
 
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
 
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
 
December 24
Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
 
December 25
Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
 
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
 
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
 
December 31
New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 01:04:35 PM
Brilliant! There were tears pouring down my face by the end. (from laughing, of course.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 01:40:53 PM
Thanks, binks -- 11, 12 & 13 are my favorites, although there are a lot of close seconds, too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 11:08:34 PM
For anyone who appreciates "Redneck" (affectionately known as "trailer-trash") humor, this is really fun -- Jeff Foxworthy is the ultimate hero of the genre -- if you don't know about him, just google his name -- he's such a hoot!

Here is one of his offerings that had me in stitches:

'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!

So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 10, 2007, 12:00:51 AM
Very funny, threeb!  :D :D :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 12:07:02 AM
I always knew you were a woman of discriminating taste, O great hag!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 10, 2007, 08:45:58 AM
Are you sure that wasn't bobbi's 'Things to do list' ???

Love the poem....
All this Christmas spirit...i'm off to get some too - 24%....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 11:41:28 AM
Funny you should say that about bobbi -- I was thinking the EXACT same thing! Great hags think alike!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 10:42:19 PM
WARNING -- RUDE LANGUAGE BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift!   I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 11, 2007, 08:15:52 AM

The Night Before Christmas
(Kiwi Style) by Yvonne Morrison

  Glossary
Bach = holiday cottage
Pavlova = traditional dessert with meringue base, piled with whipped cream and decorated with fresh fruit
Postie = postman (usually female in Auckland)
Paua shell = abalone
Tuatara = native lizard
Kia ora = Maori greeting

    It was the night before Christmas, and all round the bach
    Not a possum was stirring; not one we could catch.
    We left on the table a meat pie and beer,
    In hopes that Santa Claus soon would be here.
     
    We children were snuggled up in our bunk beds,
    While dreams of pavlova danced in our heads;
    And mum in her nightie, and dad in his shorts,
    Had just settled down to watch TV sports.
     
    When outside the bach such a ho-ha arose,
    I woke up at once from my wonderful doze.
    I ran straight to the sliding door, looking about,
    Jumped out on the deck, and let out a shout.
     
    The fairy lights dad had strung up around the door
    Let me see everything down to the shore.
    And what did I see, when I took a peep?
    But a miniature tractor and eight tiny sheep.
     
    With a little old driver, his dog on his knee.
    I knew at once who this joker might be.
    He patted his dog, and in a voice not unkind,
    Cried "Good on ya, boy! Now, get in behind!
     
    "Now, Flossy! now Fluffy! now Shaun and Shane!
    On, Bossy! on, Buffy on, Jason and Wayne!
    Up that red tree, to the top of the bach!
    But mind you don't trample the vegetable patch."
     
    So up on the roof those sheep quickly flew,
    With the tractor of toys, Santa and his dog too.
    As my sister awoke and I turn around,
    In through the window he came with a bound.
     
    He wore a black singlet and little white shorts,
    And stuck on his feet were gumboots of course;
    A sack full of toys he had flung on his back,
    And he looked like a postie just opening his pack.
     
    His eyes right as paua shell - oh, how they twinkled!
    Like an old tuatara, his skin was all wrinkled!
    He had a wide face and a round, fat tummy,
    That looked like he'd eaten lots that was yummy.
     
    He spoke not a word, but got down on one knee,
    And placed a cricket set under the tree,
    A present for sis, one for dad, one for mum,
    Then he turned and he winked and held up his thumb.
     
    He jumped on his tractor, to his dog gave a whistle,
    And away they all flew, as fast as a missile.
    I called out "thanks," as he flew past the gate.
    He called back: "Kia ora to all, and good on ya, mate."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 10:13:42 AM
 
The following version of a well known poem seems particularly appropriate for all us word-lovers!

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 11, 2007, 10:16:22 AM
MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't have the same poetic ring about it though, now does it???

Perhaps Jane could try that one on her kids and see what they think!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 10:20:07 AM
How about this version, then ? It won't apply to you, T, you ever-youthful soul.......

 A Senior Christmas

’Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

 

A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

 

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

 

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

 

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like “Where Are You Living?”  And “What Are Your Names?”

 

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

 

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.

 

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

’Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

 

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

 

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

’fore long you’ll be with us, we wish you the best.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 11, 2007, 10:56:43 AM
Binkie,
I loved the bureaucratic version of the usual poem.  Not so much the senior version - I much prefer fantasy to brutal realism!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 11, 2007, 12:58:47 PM
Oh Binky, the verbosity! I love it! Thanks Buddy  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 02:50:56 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 11, 2007, 08:06:16 PM
I sometimes feel like that's me Binx...and other times i wish it was...
It sounds rather lovely, organised and peaceful....
No more worries about the washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, what to wear, work today, kids, school, lunch boxes, defrosting the freezer cos the door was left open all frigging night again, de-icing the car, money, who will i piss off today, the kids, the ex, where is my next bonk coming from, the garden, the bills, whose birthday is looming, whose did i miss, what should i buy them, my Mum, being sick, the weather, the boiler that is playing up, the kids, what to have for dinner, what did i miss today, the cold, the boss, when to bath, have i got time for this/that/the next thing,and WHEREISMYNEXTBONKCOMINGFROM.... etc etc etc etc ......

SOUNDS LIKE BLISS ACTUALLY....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:08:13 PM
Hey T - focusing on that 'where is my next bonk coming from' problem.  Don't worry, you'll get over it.  I sure did.  Very overrated really  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:12:56 PM
..... especially after 18 years!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:28:09 PM
Of not having it?  Or having too much?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:30:02 PM
If you knew my hubby you wouldn't even have to ask that one, geo!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:32:13 PM
But as I don't????? 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:36:21 PM
Let's just say that it is very high on his list of priorities!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:37:40 PM
Send him over to T's for a spell.  Problem solved.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:40:57 PM
Am off to the beach tomorrow afternoon for a few days.  No internet, therefore no puzzle til Saturday afternoon, and no forum.  What will I do??  I might need some therapy by the weekend.  Hopefully will get a chance to play at lunch tomorrow at work. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:48:35 PM
I could loan him out for a small fee, I suppose!!

How lovely to be off to the beach .... it is absolutely freezing here today but no wind, rain or snow so that's something!  Did have a little bit of snow on Saturday but it didn't amount to much, unfortunately!

Hope you don't wind up in therapy, geo, you will just have to go cold turkey until Saturday ... you can do it ... you might get the tremors though so will need copious amounts of wine to help you over your addiction!  Then, of course, you might get addicted to the wine and then you will need copious amounts of Chi to help you over that ... vicious circle really!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:58:39 PM
Good idea - make money out of him.  In fact, you could auction him off to the highest bidder.  One night here, a weekend there.  You could have a superauction every so often and sell him off for a week.  Quite a good business starting here - no need to work the daily grind for you from now on girl!

Cold, almost but not quite snowing - absolute bliss.  I've just had to turn the air-con on in the bedroom so I can get to sleep tonight.  We've got high humidity, low cloud cover - in a word revolting. 

Already addicted to my wine - and cigs, and food - but am sure I could find a new addiction if I try hard enough.

Will try to catch up on all the posts this weekend.

Cheers
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:12:36 PM
A girl after my own heart!

Will ask hubby if he minds being farmed out ... sure he'd not see it as a chore!!

I don't mind the cold weather so long as it's bright, which it is now!  Absolutely hate high humidity ... apart from playing havoc with your hair, it's so uncomfortable and clammy!

Have fun on the beach .... perhaps you can pick up a hunky beach bum while you're there as UV seems to be as elusive as ever and I need to wear that crimson taffeta frock!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:29:31 PM
Perhaps I could hook you up with a tall, muscular, frisky yet gentle cowboy if UV doesn't pan out, geo ... You could stare into his steely grey eyes as he takes you for a trot around his spread on his mustang!   ;)

LL -- your hubby sounds like a bit of a stallion himself!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:38:32 PM
Would the cowboy look like a young Clint Eastwood?  If so, you can introduce one to me while my hubby is 'doing the rounds'!! 

You'd think after 18+ years of marriage the novelty would have worn off just a little ... but no!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:43:59 PM
I know how it is, LL - they say opposites attract, but sometimes the matter of urges can become a real obstacle. My old hubby has finally calmed down a bit these days, but for a while there, it was like, "are you still 19, dude?" Of course, we've been married nearly 35 years, so ... you've only got about 17 years to go!  >:D

Oh, there are some handsome ones around here -- mostly, though, they look a bit more weather-worn like Clint Eastwood looks now! Although I still like his steely eyes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:52:35 PM
Hope he'll calm down a bit earlier than that!  Bromide in the tea is meant to be good for damping down urges, I believe!  Must put it on my cauldron essentials list!

Clint is just a bit too weather-worn now but the eyes still have it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:58:43 PM
I've heard they used to give saltpeter (an odd choice of words!) in prisons to calm men down.

Hey, here's a website link to the classic hilarious old song, "Grandma got run over by a reindeer!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPaGQEskSKM&eurl=http://www.links2love.com/christmas_songs_grandmarunover.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 11:04:16 PM
That song's a new one on me!  Can't stop humming the damn thing now!!   :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 11:07:30 PM
It never gets old to me! Had me in stitches for years!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 11:16:27 PM
Having connection problems with the forum again so might suddenly disappear!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 02:41:11 AM
How can you 2 moan about getting too much when there are other unfortunates [like me] that are getting none...???
I love it and miss it like hell.... although...'Men are all right but you can't beat the real thing  :-R '
It sounds like your old man and me would get on great LLL...i'll send him up some bus fare...you send him down for some respite....

And grizzled, worn, beaten up, world weary and varicosed veined...i would take my Clint 'Any and every which way i could'....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 02:47:31 AM
I'll hire him out for a week or two if you want!
Finally, got the forum and puzzles back ... been unable to get here most of the afternoon and neither has threeb.
Clint used to be lovely but a bit too old mannish now for my liking!
PM coming up!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 03:15:35 AM
I can't guarantee what condition he will be in when he gets back...but his big end will be knackered that's for sure... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 03:33:25 AM
... and you think yours won't be?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 03:39:37 AM
By the way, well done for getting rosette and trophy today!!  A rose between two thorns!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 12, 2007, 07:18:15 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates."In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each  possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

 

And So the Christmas Season continues......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 12, 2007, 07:44:22 AM
Good one, Bobbi!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 09:43:03 AM
Love it bobbi...and i might even be able to remember it to pass it on..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 12, 2007, 04:32:26 PM
Very cute, bobbi!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: kitteh on December 12, 2007, 07:01:31 PM
 long ago wen i wuz in teh Bach choir wit m mum we usta sing dis song-

The Twelve Days  AFTER Christmas
By Frederick Silver

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite
Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partirdge
my true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The third day after Christmas, my Mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French Hens to make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
all seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, eleven lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming (Spoken: "Well, actually, I kept ONE of the drummers" ) and sent them back collect
I wrote my true love, " We are through, love! "
And I said in so many words,
" Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds! "

'Birds' is to be held out at a single high note while at the same time, quietly, in the background, the other singers sing the traditional: " Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree." (That is the only time it's done traditionally, otherwise the entire song has it's own melody.)
It is such a crack up because it's done choir style, quite serious

btw ladies tho dis iz da furst time im posting i have bin playing an lurking evry nite for months... i rily like yer comoo...kamon... group of peeplez you has here...(plus game z ril fun)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 08:32:28 PM
That sounds like the kind of Bah Humbug luck i would have Kitteh...
Fantastic contribution...i love it...well done you.
And i'm glad you think we're a good bunch...i think so too...so join in anytime..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 13, 2007, 03:56:54 AM
Vow of Silence


At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence.  Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down.  Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year).  The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 13, 2007, 03:59:44 AM
BAH!!! Humbug!!!


Dear Boys and Girls,

Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my
a** to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain
it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit
about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I
caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew?
I always thought the little bastards were gay!

I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so
simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now
it's electronic gizmos up the a**, and what the h*ll does an old
fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on
the computer a few years ago and the da*n thing crashed. Lost all
the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly
tech support to the north pole?

Don't even get me started on the da*n reindeer. "Eight tiny
reindeer" my a**! Too much hay and carrots. They are so da*n fat
I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.

I shouldn't talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas.
Too many da*n cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little
kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! That's all I
get, especially in California with all those da*n health nuts. Is
it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep
him warm through the night?

Enough about my problems. How have you been?  Hope things are
going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying
over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules,
it's going to be a very long night.

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Lots of love,
Santa


(by Paul Benoit)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 13, 2007, 08:56:44 PM
Poor Santa,
I feel so sorry for him....[NOT]....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 15, 2007, 03:18:02 AM
Then you should feel even sorrier for this poor b*rd, T!  ;)

Christmas Parrot
 

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrot's left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 15, 2007, 08:08:37 AM
Here's a site filled with things festive from Australia. This page is classic!

http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/bwi28/c/christmas-form.html
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 15, 2007, 10:50:58 AM
That was a lot of fun - having just spent 45 minutes going through the site, I won't have time to add any more words to the game today. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 16, 2007, 11:36:11 PM
Yes, thanks for that -- I'm amazed you had the time to play, bobbi!

How goes it? Must be getting busy(er) for you ... so close to the holidays. I wish we could hear your chorus online!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 17, 2007, 06:49:29 AM
Hi Threeb,

You're right, I certainly couldn't find that sort of time to play on the computer! Think you're confusing me with Birdy who got a bit distracted by it poor thing. Have known about the site for years, and particularly like the bureaucratic form to which I frequently direct friends.

Will post news, comments, thoughts in appropriate thread (hello bobbi.) XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 20, 2007, 09:13:07 PM
A psychiatrist's favourite Christmas carols.......


Schizophrenics -  Do you hear what i hear?    ???

Multiple personality disorder - We 3 kings disoriented are...   

Dementia - I think i'll be home for Christmas!    :-\

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald angels sing about me.   :angel:

Manic - Deck the halls, walls, house and lawn, streets and stores, office and town, cars and buses and lorries and trees and.....

Paranoid - Santa Claus is coming to get me...   >:(

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of roasting on an open fire....

Personality Disorder - You better watch out, i'm gonna cry, i'm gonna pout, maybe i'll tell you why...   :'(

Attention deficit disorder - Silent Night, Holy ooohhh, look at the froggy, can i have a sweet, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 20, 2007, 09:23:16 PM
I love those, T! Very good ...

and here's something else to ponder:

"Santa Is A Woman"
by Susan Birkenseer


I think Santa Claus is a woman....
 
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
 
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
 
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
 
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
 
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
  with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
  as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
  to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
 
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
  Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
 
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
 
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 08:04:57 AM
Nothing to do with Christmas.....but always appropriate (in my case!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 08:07:30 AM
More of the same......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 24, 2007, 11:03:28 AM
Thanks for the hilarity, binks! I especially like the one about wiping that little bit of 'bs' off one's lips!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 06:57:38 PM
I rather liked that one too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 25, 2007, 05:54:47 AM
Thanks Binx for those...
I will try and remember the last one next time out on the razzle...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 25, 2007, 07:39:53 AM
And a final Christmas message.... about someone so often overlooked at this time of year.



The Christmas Fairy



I am a little fairy

 On tap o' the Christmas Tree

 It's no' a job I fancy

 Well how would you like tae be me


 A tarted up wi' tinsel

 It's enough to mak ye boak

 An a couple o' jaggy branches

 Rammed up the back o' your frock.


An' these wee lights a'roon me

 I canna get my sleep

 An' there's the yearly visit

Frae Santa - Big fat creep!


On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here

While you're a' wirin' in

An' naebody says "Hey you up there

 Could you go a slug o' gin?


It's nae joke bein' a fairy

 The job's beyond belief

You've got to go roon' the bairn's beds

 An' lift their rotten teeth.


 But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets

 An' I've mentioned only some

 The very worst is sitting up a tree

Wi' pine needles up yir bum.


 When a' the fairies meet again

 By the light of the silvery moon

 Ye can tell the Christmas fairies

 They're the wans that canna sit doon.


 The Christmas tree's a bonny sight

 As the firelight softly flickers

 But think o' me I'm stuck up here

 Wi' needles in my knickers.


 So soon as Christmas time's right by

 An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer

 I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

 An' I'll see yous a' next year.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 29, 2007, 02:14:51 AM
Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top Oxymoron
1.  Microsoft Works
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 30, 2007, 03:56:22 PM
Brilliant, Threeb!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 30, 2007, 10:03:55 PM
Oh, no, binks -- 'tis YOU who are the genius!   ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 31, 2007, 09:11:07 AM
I didn't know they had published my picture??
Where are my royalties???

Very funny Binx...where do you find them?

I love those too threeb..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 10:33:16 AM
I got zillions of 'em, baby!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 10:34:54 AM
Notice the recurring theme here?  Nothing like me, of course!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 02:43:52 PM
;-)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 10:58:19 PM
(http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:25:25 PM
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:28:19 PM
As to the origin of evolution:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:35:29 PM
And, for weird news from around the world, look here:

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN3053893220071230
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 01, 2008, 01:15:00 AM
Subject: ZEN SARCASM



1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.
 
2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.

3.  It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

4.  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
 
5.  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
 
9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
 
12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13.  Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
 
16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
17.  Duct tape is like 'The Force'.  It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

18.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
 
20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 01, 2008, 01:19:22 AM
V. good, birdy!  I especially liked point number 18!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 01, 2008, 01:20:46 AM
Yes.  It shouldn't really be necessary to say it, should it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 01, 2008, 01:22:46 AM
Not really!  It's a well known fact ... probably the 11th Commandment!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 01, 2008, 05:04:03 AM
I love them Birdy...

I shall print them out and read them every day...

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 09:55:34 AM
Love 'em, Birdy!


AN ECONOMIC MODEL EXPLAINED WITH COWS


SOCIALISM:

You Have 2 Cows.
You Give one To Your Neighbour

COMMUNISM

You Have 2 Cows.
The State Takes Both & Gives You Some Milk.

FACISM

You Have 2 Cows
The State Takes Both & Sells You Some Milk

BUREAUCRATISM

You Have 2 Cows
The State Takes Both, Shoots one, Milks The Other, & Then Throws The Milk Away

TRADITONAL CAPITALISM

You Have 2 Cows
You Sell one & Buy A Bull.
Your Herd Multiplies & The Economy Grows. You Sell Them & Retire on The Income

SURREALISM

You Have 2 Giraffes
The Government Requires You To Take Harmonica Lessons

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Redesign Them So They Are one Tenth The Size Of An Ordinary Cow & Produce 20 Times The Milk. You Then Create A Clever Cow Cartoon Image Called "Cowkimon" & Market It Worldwide

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Re-engineer Them So They Live For 100 Years, Eat once A Month, And Milk Themselves

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows, But You Dont Know Where They Are
You Decide To Have Lunch

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Count Them & Learn You Have 5 Cows
You Count Them Again & Learn You Have 42 Cows
You Count Them Again & Learn You Have 2 Cows
You Stop Counting Cows & Open Another Bottle Of Vodka

A SWISS CORPORATION

You Have 5000 Cows. None Of Them Belong To You
You Charge The Owners For Storing Them

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Have 300 People Milking Them
You Claim That You Have Full Employment, & High Bovine Productivity.
You Arrest The Newsperson Who Reported The Real Situation

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Worship Them

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Both Are Mad

A SPANISH CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Your Cousin Is Jealous & Wants one, So He Starts A Civil War Over It

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
The one on The Left Looks Very Attractive

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Business Seems Very Good.
You Close The Office & Go For A few Beers To Celebrate




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 10:26:24 AM
Oh, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 01, 2008, 01:11:43 PM
love it !!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 01:42:33 PM
After Christmas
================

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick
.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 01:43:53 PM
All hail -- binks the bard is baaaaaaaaaaaack!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 01:59:49 PM
Please.....no applause....just throw silver!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 02:35:56 PM
My arm's not quite strong enough for that, considering the distance, but I'll try!

Here's my best shot, so just click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WDo-7DIzWI
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 02:36:54 PM
Please be warned.....the following photos are classified as porn.......


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 02:37:36 PM
oops....I don't think you can read them
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: NatalyaPetrovna on January 01, 2008, 03:05:19 PM
I can kind of make them out-- the first guy is offering to take care of a crying baby at nght, the second is pulling over to ask for directions, and the third is cooking a gourmet meal.

So fess up anybody who got "glamour shots" at any of those cheesy mall portrait studios-- extra points if it was in the 70s and post 'em here!

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

My favorite, with the caption "This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that yellow"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 03:07:29 PM
I still can't see it!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 02, 2008, 02:19:46 AM
The Slightly Clueless Minister

A minister is in a flood. The river is overflowing, and water
surrounds the church up to the front porch. As he is standing at the
top of the steps, a boat comes up. The man in the boat says "Jump in,
Padre, we'll take you to safety."

The minster says, "Bless you but no, I put my trust in God. God
will provide for me." The boat goes away.

The water rises to the second floor. The minister is looking out a
window just above the water line. A larger boat comes up, and a man
on the boat bellows through a bull horn, "C'mon, Padre! Before it's
too late! We'll get you out of here."

"No, thanks. My faith is in God. God will provide for me." The
boat goes away.

Now the whole church is submerged with only the roof above the
water line. As The minister stands on the roof, a helicopter flies
overhead and drops a rope ladder. "Climb up, Padre! This is your
last chance!"

"No thank you. I have faith. God will provide for me."

The helicopter flies away.

The water continues to rise. It sweeps the minister off the roof
and he drowns.

In heaven, God says to him, "What are you doing here?"

"I put my trust in You and You let me down."

"What do you mean, I let you down?!? I sent you two boats and a
chopper!!!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 02, 2008, 08:10:42 AM
Who needs Readers Digest when we have you, Threeb? (That was meant to be a compliment!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 02, 2008, 11:54:04 AM
I'm glad you qualified that, binks ... I got a wee bit worried there at first!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 08:35:21 AM

   Jewish Buddhist



If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?



Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?



Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction;

With the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.



Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.



Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health,

Or a life without problems. What would you talk about?



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy!.



There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,

You never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?



Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.

And then what do you have? Bupkis. (yiddish for nothing!)



The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.

The Tao is not Jewish.



Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this

And attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.



Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.

And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.



Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand

Times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.



Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not

Every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.



The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says,

There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 04, 2008, 09:30:00 AM
A great lesson in irreverent and practical kvetching!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 10:02:05 AM
Hope I didn't offend anyone!  Actually........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 10:10:39 AM
 WARNING........the following post contains poorly disguised coarse language!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 04, 2008, 11:02:03 AM
OMG, binks! That's just so completely -- and uproariously -- sick! A real laff-out-loud one.

Thanks for making my day!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 11:08:00 AM
Any time, dear!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:41:08 PM
10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown

1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls "meeting cute" - mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders - you wouldn't end up at a table for two, but in court.

2. If the Person Isn't Interested - Or Loses Interest - Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one - scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to "Say Anything." In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.

3. If You're a Man, Try Pretending You're Gay - Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued ("A Very Special Favor," "Three to Tango"). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?

4. If You're Gay, Don't Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You ("Bedrooms and Hallways," "Claire of the Moon," almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.

5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You're Funny ("The Graduate," "The Tao of Steve"). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they're charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny - and also, conveniently, rich.

6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You've Got a Good Personality ("Frankie and Johnny," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"). Actually, even Hollywood doesn't really believe this - they know they're shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn't make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.

7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun ("Pretty Woman," "Working Girl"). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on - unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.

8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them "What It Means to Be a Woman" ("Woman of the Year," "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it's the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you're a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn't mean it's going to work for you.

9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work ("Love With the Proper Stranger," "An Officer and a Gentleman," "love jones"). Actually, that's more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.

10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good - Or Meet Again Later - You'll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment ("The Way We Were," "Now, Voyager," "Casablanca"). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you'll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there's an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies - and wonder, once again, why your love life can't match them quite so neatly.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:47:04 PM
I'm on a roll, now folks!


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I've not been told.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one???




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:53:47 PM
I shall simply keep going until someone stops me...........


Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 04, 2008, 04:10:27 PM
Very good, Binkie - I shall be copying them for my friends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:26:23 PM
Here's another then !

How to Sing the Blues

A Primer For Beginners

Author Unknown

1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bed

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. K mart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons

12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:42:22 PM
Nobody's come round to throttle me yet,..............and so I proceed.


Hickbonics/English Dictionary

Author Unknown

HEIDI - (noun):
Greeting.

HIRE YEW:
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh.Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun):
A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb):
contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE:
a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked in yars."

SEED - (verb):
past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...view?"

GUBMINT - (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:50:26 PM
Slight change of subject..........



What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Author Unknown

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did?

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 04, 2008, 04:52:58 PM
Re: Hickbonics/English Dictionary

I wonder how southerners would write what New Englanders say?  On the other hand, if it's people from Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine, they mostly don't say too much, especially to out-of-staters.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 05:07:56 AM
Mouse's revenge:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 05, 2008, 08:50:31 AM
To return to the original theme of this thread.......

What's Your Sign? (And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?)

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 08:59:35 AM
Are you saying that a Taurus will never throw anything away? Well, you're right!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 09:40:23 AM
You Might Be A Redneck Starfleet Captain If...

 1 - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

 2 - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

 3 - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

 4 - he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

 5 - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

 6 - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and
     aluminum foil

 7 - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer
     section

 8 - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy?" instead of "Open
     hailing frequencies."

 9 - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

10 - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11 - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack
     above it

12 - he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of
     "Engage"

13 - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14 - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15 - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16 - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip
     greens

17 - he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

18 - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19 - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20 - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21 - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22 - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23 - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

24 - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a
     meal of beans and weenies

25 - he sets phaser to "Cajun"

26 - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27 - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu

28 - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29 - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30 - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31 - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target
     practice I ever had."

32 - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go
     at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33 - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are
     all named after his favorite movie actresses


[Thanks to Randall Woodman]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 05, 2008, 09:47:17 AM
Thankyou, Threeb.......my first giggle of the day! Now I'm off to brave the elements....it's raining !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 10:10:59 AM
Don't forget your wellies!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 07, 2008, 05:37:09 PM

Murphy's Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 09, 2008, 12:32:43 PM
Hi Tech Jargon Explained


NEW   Different color from previous design
ALL NEW   Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE   Imported product
UNMATCHED   Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY   Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION   No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN   The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST!   Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED   Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY   Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY   Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT   We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY   It's different from our competitors
BREAKTHROUGH   We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC   No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE   A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE   Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED   Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED   Assembly machines operated without gloves
PERFORMANCE PROVEN   Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS   Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE   Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY   Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY   We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE  When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION   Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS   We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY   You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE   Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES   We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED   Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED   Does things we can't explain
AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY   One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 09, 2008, 02:32:18 PM
And at the risk of being branded a racist (it's very hard to find PC jokes!)

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............


"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 09, 2008, 02:38:09 PM
Nothing off-key about that one, binks!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 10, 2008, 12:10:05 AM
Hilarious....
I loved it Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 10, 2008, 12:15:03 AM
Thoughts To Change Your Outlook

* A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
probably has a scapegoat.

* Plagiarism saves time.

* If at first you don't succeed, try management.

* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

* TEAMWORK.... .means never having to take all the blame yourself

* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.

* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 10, 2008, 12:15:57 AM
Medical Truths

- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the
call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses'
station.

- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are
guaranteed a rash of admissions.

- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...

- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be
ordered.

- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the
night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the
supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other
end.

- Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

- Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the
boss is watching.

- The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to
get repaired.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at
the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with
cardiac arrests!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 10, 2008, 12:17:09 AM
 ;D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:38:42 PM
The Moral of the Story...

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Brandon raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Brandon."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 08:40:28 PM
 :D  It's the way you tell 'em!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:46:18 PM
Thanks, I wish I were that good, but it's not original. I try to find the ones that make me laugh and pass them along. It came in my e-mail from "Joke of the Day"!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 08:47:17 PM
My emails are usually full of spam, spam, spam!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:50:28 PM
Mine, too -- but it's enjoyable to get a few jokes coming in to start off the week/end the week.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 09:03:28 PM
This piccy was at the bottom!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 09:11:53 PM
I like!  Wish I'd had that on my wedding cake!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 09:15:00 PM
It speaks volumes, eh?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 11, 2008, 09:15:20 PM
Good old Monty Python....[spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam....]

Love the cake topper...why was there nothing around like that when i got married??

The joke was really funny threeb..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 13, 2008, 11:24:32 PM
In Your Sunday Best...

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 14, 2008, 07:10:04 AM
That's cute Threeb, but the Aunty Sharon joke is hilarious! XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 14, 2008, 08:03:06 AM
Auntie Sharon is obviously a woman to be reckoned with!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 14, 2008, 09:47:07 AM
In the tradition of Rosie the Riveter and Beowulf's Hag!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: NatalyaPetrovna on January 14, 2008, 10:06:33 AM
Threeb- your joke reminded me of this one:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off, so I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off the bridge.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 14, 2008, 10:23:37 AM
That was really hilarious, NP -- Thanks for the laugh!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 15, 2008, 11:51:30 PM
Everyone with a young daughter is invited to download and print this form -- it will certainly sift out the wheat from the chaff!  ;)


An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 15, 2008, 11:55:28 PM
Very good!  Thank goodness I have a son ... wouldn't like to think what answers he'd give to those questions though!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 12:19:14 AM
I know my boys would have certainly been disheartened, although neither has anything to hide. I might send this out to the one with a little girl ... for future reference!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 16, 2008, 09:48:31 AM
I have printed off 100...
That should put a few boys off...with 2 teenage daughters [just, admittedly..] i will need all the help i can get to ward of the marauding masses...

Thanks for that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 11:11:52 AM
I had a strong hunch you'd pick that one up right away, T! Hope it works for ya!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 11:30:59 PM
No intro/explanation needed!!!

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


            Here are the winners:

                1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 
                 

                 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

                3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

                4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

                5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

                6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

                7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

                8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

                9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

                10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

                11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 

                12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

                13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

                14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

                15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

                16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

                17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

                The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 

                1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

                2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

                3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

                4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

                5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent. 

                6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

                7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

                8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash. 

                9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

                10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

                11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam. 

                12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

                13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

                14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism's. 

                15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

                16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. 

             
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 16, 2008, 11:59:35 PM
I love them!!  Been trying to think of one myself but brain not working today!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 17, 2008, 12:02:04 AM
Usually, those kind of words just come to you when you're not trying ... and sometimes with a serendipitous slip o' the tongue!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 18, 2008, 12:33:05 AM
Hilarious...

They will dispatched to my colleagues...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 18, 2008, 12:36:56 AM
I particularly like ignoranus -- which can be used describe so many people!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 18, 2008, 12:42:39 AM
How very true....

A good description of someone to whom you have just said...
'Is that some bullshit you need to wipe from your mouth?'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 18, 2008, 01:08:36 AM
Yeah, I'll be happy to provide the tissue!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 19, 2008, 09:53:01 AM
Just been laughing uproariously at the latest entries. Thankyou all! Here are a few thoughts for the day..........

 39 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 10:21:33 AM
They're all hilarious. binks but I especially loved the one about the jeans not making you look fat, and the Ark/Titanic one!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 19, 2008, 01:24:16 PM
I particularly liked:

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It's a good reminder not to let the b_st_rds get you down.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 19, 2008, 08:40:43 PM
Another thought for the day.........

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
  - Dick Cavett
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:46:14 PM
Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:52:17 PM
You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If ...

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to
eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this
year.

- Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your
college roommate used to play.

- Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit,
to make a purchase is foreign to you.

- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have email.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:53:03 PM
Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets
and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how
is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets
or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of
his neighbors buys a gun."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:55:14 PM
A Jewish Grandmother' s Answering Machine

Hello - this is Sadie, I'm not at home right now but should you
wish to leave a message, do so now.

If you are one of my children - press 1

If you want me to babysit - press 2

If your car is still in the garage and you need to use mine -
press 3

If it's Friday and you haven't bought a challah yet so I must rush
out and get one - press 4

If I need to take the grandkids to school/nursery school/soccer/
ballet/kindermusiek /swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons -
press 5

If I have to pick up the grandkids from school/nursery school/
soccer/ballet /kindermusiek/ swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons -
press 6

If you're at a meeting and you wont make it home in time so I must
take the kids to the dentist/orthodontis t/speech therapist/
accelerated learning program/child psychologist - press 7

If you want the kids to sleep over even though it's my bridge
night - press 8

If you are one of my friends...What are you thinking? Who has time
to talk to you???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 20, 2008, 01:28:40 AM
 :D  I think I'm in danger of being classed as too Hi-Tech!!  Never carry money ... just like the Queen!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 01:52:16 AM
You and the Queen!!! Hahaha!

Oh, you were talking about Elizabeth?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 20, 2008, 02:01:20 AM
Is there another Queen?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 09:22:50 AM
Plenty!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 20, 2008, 12:30:40 PM
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it does on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 20, 2008, 06:57:34 PM
That's really funny Binkie  :D

Reminds me of a supermarket we had back here some yeaars og called Big Fresh that had some huge (and loud) animatronic displays in the fresh produce departments (cow in butchery, chickens over the eggs, and even singing veggies. For years, my children wouldn't let me shop anywhere else. Pity it is no more...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 11:13:35 PM
I wish we had one of those! Like going to Disneyland every day.  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 11:14:15 PM
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but oneday the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 22, 2008, 07:57:55 AM

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 22, 2008, 04:20:07 PM
So, does it really belong to us nerds, or just the drummers? ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 22, 2008, 07:58:16 PM
Oh! Binketh...
Thou art funny in the highest order....
XX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 12:47:51 AM
Senior Dating

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she
seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!" replied mom.

"You mean he got fresh?" asked the daughter.

"No," mom answered, "I thought he was dead."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 23, 2008, 01:05:11 AM
That'll soon be me!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 01:16:56 AM
Not quite (35 years to go yet, mate), but I did think of you a bit when I found it!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 23, 2008, 02:23:37 AM
I'd have slapped his face if he hadn't got fresh...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 01:14:06 PM
That's my girl!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 08:09:44 PM
Common as ...!!  ;) >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 09:43:28 PM
In case you are looking for something for your own child, a nephew, niece, or somebody else's cute kid, look no farther. All should be available at your nearest bookstore and make great presents.

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 09:53:26 PM
All great handbooks to help children understand the real world -- and all so politically IN-correct! I love it!  ;)

PS - are they available on e-bay?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:07:54 PM
Not sure I like this one ...

Quote
All Cats Go to Hell

 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:16:27 PM
Yes, or, ... "Some Kittens Can Fly"! Ouch!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:21:03 PM
Cats are so clever .....  >:D

Interestingly, two veterinarians did a study and found that in falls seven stories or less, the chance of survival was indeed greater with the shorter distances. However, with falls greater than seven stories, the number of injuries actually declined when compared to falls at seven stories. Thus, beyond seven stories, the farther the fall, the better the chance of survival. They found that the reason for this was that after five stories or so, cats reach terminal velocity. Before reaching terminal velocity, cats have their muscles tensed and are rigid and flexed and prepared for landing, making them more prone to injury due to the impact. Once they've reached terminal velocity, however, they relax their muscles and spread themselves out much like a flying squirrel, allowing the impact to be absorbed by a larger surface area and thus resulting in fewer injuries.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:32:43 PM
That man who survived a huge fall from a scaffold (sadly, his brother died) in Manhattan may have somehow done the same thing. He plunged 47 stories (nearly 500 feet)! Bloody unbelievable!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:35:32 PM
Makes me shudder!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:38:30 PM
If he had been praying, he could have said half a rosary ... and maybe it worked!

Can you imagine what thoughts might go through one's head during such a dreadful and horrifying experience? I wonder how long it actually took to hit the ground? Must have felt like a lifetime of eternities!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:40:13 PM
Doesn't bear thinking about!  I get dizzy just a few rungs up a ladder!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:49:57 PM
Lucky for me I'm short ... (or lowset, as binks suggested) ... I have to watch myself just going up and down sets of stairs, hold onto the rail just to make sure I don't miss a step.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:59:53 PM
I have such small feet I can't walk over a cattle grid without carefully holding on to the rails!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:02:15 PM
Talking of huge falls reminds me of a friend of mine, who marches to the beat of her own drum. Her mind works quite differently to ours, bless her. There was a tragic  accident a while ago, when the guy's parachute failed to open, and he fell to his death. Christine told me, in all seriousness " I expect he died because he was too tense as he fell. If he'd just relaxed, he'd have lived."
What can you say ?  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:05:00 PM
Takes all sorts!  I know someone who mispronounces words .... she told me one day that a friend of hers had been ill and was now 'vertically housebound'!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:06:56 PM
I have one of those, too! She had a "topical" pregnancy, poor soul.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:08:31 PM
Oh, and her elderly father was suffering from "degenerate quadrupeds"
Yes, took me a while, too..........degenerating quadriceps!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:10:28 PM
What can you say?  This woman I know doesn't manoeuvre her car into a parking space, she mahoovers it!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 11:20:56 PM
Mrs. Malaprop is alive and well ... in many forms! Yahooooooo!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:30:01 PM
Expractly!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 11:41:23 PM
or is that sexpractly?  >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:45:16 PM
Indubitabably!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 24, 2008, 01:40:38 AM
Keeping to the blonde theme ...

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

 
 >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 24, 2008, 01:45:15 AM
We're on a roll, kid! Here's another:

"Magic Mirror"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 24, 2008, 03:34:01 AM
 :laugh:

Q.  What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?

A.  Artificial intelligence.   >:D

With apologies to all blonde forumites.  I'm sure you can retaliate with some brunette jokes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 03:13:19 AM
Medical Terms as Defined by Blondes:

Barium: What to do when treatment fails.

Cauterize: Make eye contact with her.

Colic: Sheepdog.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Labor pain: Hurt at work.

Tablet: Small table.

Tumor: More than one.

Varicose: Nearby.

Vein: Conceited.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 03:13:34 AM
Quiz For Cats

Your human walks into the kitchen.
Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you.
Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat

Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again

Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human (and in front of it)
d) All of the above

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their
talking behavior

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what
damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above

Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 25, 2008, 03:54:46 AM
I gave this quiz to my cat and here is his response:

1. d
2. d
3. d
4. d
5. c
6. b
7. b
8. a,b,c
9. f

Does this mean he is a well-balanced feline?   >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 04:14:26 AM
Definitely the purrrrrrrrfect cat!  >:D A fitting tribute to your taste!  >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 29, 2008, 02:45:54 PM
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in the Bay of Islands with my boss and several of his bosses from Australia.


We'll be gone for a few days. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"


"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."


The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home looking exhausted and about 3 kgs lighter than when he had left.


The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said,"Yes! Lots of Snapper, some small Tuna, and a few Kingfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"


The wife replied,"I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 29, 2008, 07:46:08 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 29, 2008, 08:46:16 PM
I love that one...
We women are just so wise....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 29, 2008, 10:16:26 PM
Absoooooooolutely
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 29, 2008, 10:24:01 PM
We're hard to fool, that's for sure!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 29, 2008, 11:25:59 PM
The following link is a perfect video example of why LINDA HATES BIRDS!! (Linda -- beware!!!!)

http://www.viralvideochart.com/youtube/bird_poops_in_mouth?id=BzjLlqIuVhI
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 29, 2008, 11:28:20 PM
Good afternoon, matey ... haven't spoken for quite a while ... I am NOT going to even take a peep at your revolting sounding video!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on January 30, 2008, 12:59:55 AM
Gross!!! I just had breakfast.  Perhaps I should have read the title of the movie from the link first....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:02:58 AM
Sorry about that, anonsi -- but yes, the title was a BIG hint! At least Linda resisted, after my warning. Perhaps I should have put in an all-out caveat first ... of course, if anyone wants to really see what the fuss is all about, then, have at it! I thought it was pretty hilarious myself! (From a journalistic point of view, of course!  ;))
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:07:22 AM
You will not tempt me to have a look!  I know a woman who had a bird poo on her wedding dress just as she was entering the church!!  I would have cried but it's supposed to be lucky ... anyway, she's still married!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:09:47 AM
Actually, something similar happened with my mother as a kid, with a goose, no less! But, she soon met and then married her husband, and they were married for nearly 40 years. She always claimed it was good luck for her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:11:16 AM
Geese are vile and revolting and dangerous birds ... nice to eat though!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 30, 2008, 01:31:34 AM
Huh!  We REAL birders would not have been caught like that - we know better than to stand under a tree filled with an infestation of birds.  Though I have to admit that I've been caught more times than I wish. I was walking to the subway one day when a bird got me on my forehead and glasses.  Before I realized what it was, I reached up and touched it, and then of course couldn't get a tissue out of my pocket without getting it all over my PANTS.  A young couple was coming along and I stopped them - they were very wary (this IS New York) and I suppose they thought I was going to ask them for money or something.  I told them "A bird just got me!" and asked them to reach into my pocket to get the tissue, which they kindly did.  I'm sure they were able to tell the story and get quite a few laughs out of it - I did.

There are teeshirts sold at birder conventions (and catalogs) showing lots of bird poop of different sizes - all carefully labelled with bird of origin for identification study.  An occupational hazard.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:33:24 AM
Thanks for that, birdy ... I feel extremely nauseous now!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 30, 2008, 01:38:11 AM
But just think how lucky I was that day on the way to work!  I think the real luck was that that young couple came along.

I think that saying about bird poop on one's wedding day is just to compensate for the unhappiness of the attack - like saying that rain on the wedding day is a lucky thing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:38:44 AM
I've seen those t-shirts -- they're hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:44:05 AM
Please order one for me ... I will wear it with pride!!  As if!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 03:29:27 AM
Hotel Of The Future

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing that he
needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the
desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but
down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should
serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening. The machine
started to buzz and whirl, and fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed is reflection.

The mirror showed the best haircut of his life!

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides A
Service Men Need When Away From Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was finally able to withdraw
his tender unit...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Two Nuns

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have
a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and
decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter
the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire.

The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they
are crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and
says, "I feel like a Marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one at
this time of the night?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 31, 2008, 06:49:11 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D and  :D

You do make me larf, threeb!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 11:32:55 AM
Always good to "leave 'em laughing!" I say ...  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 31, 2008, 12:53:10 PM
Oh Threeb.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 31, 2008, 12:54:43 PM
I'm trying to think of stuff........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 02:11:16 PM
And, for an extra-aromatic accompaniment, click here:

http://www.fart-joke.com/farting_dog_harmonics.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 02:19:53 PM
Here's something every dog-owner dreads:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 01, 2008, 07:08:44 AM

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance-- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 01, 2008, 07:44:17 AM
That is SOOOOOOO cute, binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 02, 2008, 06:08:51 PM
drat!  I left a couple of very good jokes on this thread today and they've disappeared - the cost of the upgrade, I guess.  Too bad I can't remember what they were.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on February 02, 2008, 09:45:54 PM
G'day Binks.  I was thinking of you this morning.  I visited a friend from work who is on maternity leave and lives at Regents Park.  Driving down Beaudesert Road I saw a few signs for Algester & looked out to see if I could spot you riding down the road with grandchildren in tow - but not a sign of you anywhere!!  Where were you???????  Slacking off for the day, or just riding around the back streets?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 02, 2008, 11:20:57 PM
Messages here were lost as well -- had a coupla funny ones ...  :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 03, 2008, 02:21:50 AM
Careful!     
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 04, 2008, 11:43:45 PM
A Few Points To Ponder

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near
impossible.

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines and
parking lot signs?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on February 05, 2008, 02:16:20 AM
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Yes.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 05, 2008, 02:30:54 AM
I'm off to get some bleach in that case!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on February 05, 2008, 02:51:46 AM
I highly recommend it! :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 06, 2008, 02:56:01 PM
A couple of answers, but not many.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

Not always true.  I had this discussion with a former supervisor.  If there are 10 students taking a test, and 9 of them score 100, and the last one scores zero, the average is 90.  Most of them are above average.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I have organized fossil hunting expeditions for forest rangers coming back home for a vacation from their work in Alaska.  They generally want a combination of things they have done without.  This should also include some really good food.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 07, 2008, 01:50:10 AM
Very punny!  ;D

Here's a few more laughs --

Overheard:

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't
want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 07, 2008, 08:02:19 PM
I could use all of those threeb...

[must write them down....]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 07, 2008, 11:40:39 PM
They're definitely handy, and everyone knows someone to whom they will apply! Have fun, T!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 12, 2008, 10:14:48 AM
I'm afraid this group has not been living up to its reputation lately.  I'm very much concerned that we're getting too serious.  Yes, the game is important, and whether pants are allowed or optional is important anywhere other than a nudist colony.  Yes, it is important to make fudgier brownies, and to wear the proper thing to our birthday celebrations.  However, it is also important to realize that WE ARE NOT SERIOUS PEOPLE -  it is our DUTY to raise roofs, or even possibly rooves, and to shake the established order.

So, to counter the present prevailing atmosphere of sobriety, I hearby suggest the following:

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom..... Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ....."In Box."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write: "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, ..........Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ........."To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask... Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're .........Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream... "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner:
"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20.  [And this is where you get to make your own suggestion]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 12, 2008, 08:14:06 PM
Thank you Birdy....

That made me chuckle...

Funnily enough i was only thinking the same as you, just t'other day....

We need some good jokes [rude ones preferably]
funny pictures [rude ones preferably]
...and funny stories [rude ones preferably]

Let's go girls.... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:36:42 PM
... and which is PRESACTLY why I started this thread in the first place!!!! So, here goes more:

What Not To Say To Your Valentine...

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 12, 2008, 10:42:51 PM
Hilarious, threeb!!  Those are my kind of Valentine rhymes!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:47:24 PM
Me, too! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:50:56 PM
Here's an odd couple I just found --

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 12, 2008, 11:03:57 PM
Sweet!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 12:00:00 AM
This one made me laugh - and wish I'd been there:

http://www.gadling.com/2008/02/01/best-prank-ever-stopping-time-at-grand-central-station/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 13, 2008, 12:04:53 AM
How weird must that have been if you weren't in on the joke?!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 13, 2008, 12:18:00 AM
What a totally awesome event, birdy! Did you hear about it when it happened?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 12:58:06 PM
I think I may have heard a vague reference to it, but it may have been when I wasn't in town.  You did undoubtedly notice people walking by as if nothing was happening - they would have been the New Yorkers, who of course would never admit that they didn't know what was going on.  Or other New Yorkers who knowingly stated, "It must be a demonstration, or an acting class."! 

New Yorkers generally don't like to admit that they're "not in the know" - an attitude quickly picked up by the newest New Yorkers.  I remember my first month in NYC - standing on the corner of 34th St. at Herald Square and sending a tourist to Times Square at 42nd St. to find the Empire State Building  (which was just behind where I was standing - if either of us had looked up we would have seen it).  I was still new enough that I did tell the tourist that I wasn't sure.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 01:31:54 PM
And now for something completely different...


If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.  Some of them are hysterical.
 
 Q: Name the four seasons.
 A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
 Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
 A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
 
 Q: How is dew formed?
 A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
 Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
 A: Keep it in the cow.
 
  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
 A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
 Q: What are steroids?
 A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
 Q: What happens to your body as you age?
 A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
 Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
 
 Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
 A: Premature death.
 
 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
 A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
 Q: What is the fibula?
 A: A small lie.
 
 Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
 A: Nearby.
 
 Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
 A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
 
  Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
 A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 13, 2008, 03:39:03 PM
Proving yet again that Art Linkletter was right -- kids DO say the darnedest things!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 13, 2008, 09:04:53 PM
Love those, birdy! ... esp. the flirtation one!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 14, 2008, 12:36:29 AM
I like those a lot Birdy. In fact i have them on my wall in one of my offices!!
Titter titter....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 14, 2008, 03:15:52 PM
"Why Guys Can't Win"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get
off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control
freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 14, 2008, 07:43:20 PM
All makes perfect sense to me!   >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 15, 2008, 01:55:34 AM
Why Valentine's Day Is In February

* Christmas and Easter had the first two draft picks.

* Chocolate melts in the summertime!

* Greeting Card Cartels are too powerful, if Hallmark wants a
holiday in February, Hallmark GETS a holiday in February.

* St. Valentine's martyrdom probably had something to do with it.

* "February" is an anagram for "Bare Fury."

* Males can only engage in romantic rituals that occur between
the end of football season and the beginning of hockey playoffs.

* Red clothes with fuzzy white trim are still in fashion this soon
after Christmas.

* Cupid's wings are too small to navigate the treacherous warm
updrafts during the other seasons.

* In February winter feels like it will never end and a bit of a
nice holiday halfway through the tedium stirs our minds to turn
toward warm thoughts of the coming Spring.

* The temperature in February is so cold that cuddling is a
matter of survival for the species.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 15, 2008, 02:27:11 AM
Love On Valentine's Day

He loved her very much, and he wanted this Valentine's day to be
special. So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liqueur
imported from France and it had delivered just in time for the
occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned
to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones,
but to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her
flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left, the kind
normally used for decoration.

What was he to do?

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the
florist to make a bouquet using the bottle of the liqueur instead
of a vase, and the ferns instead flowers.

What she produced was magnificent! It went well beyond his
expectations, and he knew it would be perfect!

He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife
was beautiful, dressed in her most elegant gown, hair done just so.
It was readily apparent that she had spent much of the day
preparing for this moment. She had a romantic candlelight dinner
ready for the two of them, music playing softly in the background
(their favorite song, of course), everything was "just so".

He kissed her, then presented her with his gift.

She opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered back to him, lovingly,
"Yes, and ... with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

[Thanks to Stan Kegel]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 15, 2008, 05:27:20 AM
I think i'm gonna be sick....

Where has my romance gone??  I've searched everywhere, and can't find it - oh! i know...i put it somewhere safe...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on February 17, 2008, 07:38:25 AM
For all of us who have 'known' men!!

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.


Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...


Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.


Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????


Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...


Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!


Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 17, 2008, 07:41:56 AM
 :D :D 

However, in the interests of fairness I must say that I think some men are wonderful .... not many, mind you!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 17, 2008, 10:07:14 AM
Linda, I think there's a saying about "The exception proves the rule."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 18, 2008, 12:20:46 AM
Well done jane..i think that is an excellent summary.

But as LL pointed out-there are the exceptions that prove the rule.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 18, 2008, 11:14:01 PM
"You Do The Math":

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 18, 2008, 11:29:34 PM
It's the way you tell 'em, threeb!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 18, 2008, 11:39:20 PM
Thanks, LL -- just want to start the day with a laff or 2! But, I get them in my emailbox from time to time (it's a joke of the day free subscription), so I can't take all the credit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 19, 2008, 10:05:59 PM
I'm not sure which definition i like the best...
All good stuff.

Let's hope the few guys among us don't decide to start 'woman bashing'......actually i think the few guys among us have more sense...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 12:32:51 AM
While we're on a roll ...

Translating "Guy" Speak:

It's really a good movie.
REALLY MEANS
It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.

You know how bad my memory is.
REALLY MEANS
I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop. the address
of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal.
REALLY MEANS
I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt.

I do help around the house.
REALLY MEANS
I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.

What did I do this time?
REALLY MEANS
What did you catch me doing?

She's one of the rabid feminists.
REALLY MEANS
She refused to make my coffee.

I heard you.
REALLY MEANS
I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me.

You really look terrific in that outfit.
REALLY MEANS
Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving.

I missed you.
REALLY MEANS
I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper.

I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.
REALLY MEANS
No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.
REALLY MEANS
I make the messes. She cleans them up.

I don't need to read the instructions.
REALLY MEANS
I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 20, 2008, 12:39:20 AM
I am beginning to find all these ditties a tad worrying.....

...because they are all so true, and not jokes at all....

IS IT JUST ME!!!!???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 01:04:24 AM
Why do you think they keep writing more?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 20, 2008, 01:43:01 AM
Good olde fashioned womens lib

-not that i would dare burn my bra's -far too expensive and i just couldn't subject innocent people to that kind of torture....  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on February 20, 2008, 02:33:32 PM
A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3
years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Note, not a true story from my past, but a joke someone emailed me recently. b XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 03:48:33 PM
What a great joke, bobbi! Thanks for the larf!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 22, 2008, 01:10:08 AM
What a lovely little gem....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 22, 2008, 02:16:35 AM
Least Desirable Fortune Cookie Fortunes

- We know where you live.

- You will need good reading material in about 15 minutes.

- Everyone's meal today is on you!

- The "special sauce" came from the floor!

- Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win
a free meal!!

- Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

- A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love
you long time.

- Your dog Sparky...he' s no longer missing.

- See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance
policies.

- That wasn't chicken!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 22, 2008, 03:05:27 AM
Confusing he say:
Man who cooks cabbage and peas in same pot - velly unhygienic!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on February 24, 2008, 06:18:01 AM
Apparently these are quotes taken from National Government employee performance evaluations.

ENJOY!

1 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig '
2. 'I would not allow this employee to breed '
3. 'This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more ofa definite won't be
4. 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap '
5. ' When he opens his mouth it's only to change feet '
6. 'This young lady had delusions of adequacy '7. 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them'
8. 'This employee is depriving a village of an idiot '
9. 'This employee should go far, the sooner he starts the better.'
10. 'Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.'
11. ' A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
12. He doesn't have ulcers, hes a carrier '
13 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime '
14. ' He's been working with glue too much '
15. 'He would argue with a signpost.'
16.'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
17. 'When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.'
18.' If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.'
19. ' A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
20.' A prime candidate for natural de-selection.'
21.'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
22.'Gates are down, the lights are flashing , but the train isnt coming.'
23.'He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other one is out looking for it .
24.'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week'
25.' If you give him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.'
26.' If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.'
27.' It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.'
28.'One neuron short of a synapse.'
29.' Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargled.'
30.' Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.'
31.'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Just love number 21!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 24, 2008, 09:53:09 AM
Really a riot! ... and 24, 29 & 31!

No wonder our government (all governments?) are so broken down! And to think, we're paying their salary! Now, who's really smarter????? Hmmmmm........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 24, 2008, 12:04:10 PM
I work with someone who is all of the above.....

i am sure they will go far....

Fantastic jane-thanks for those...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 24, 2008, 01:15:41 PM
I've seen this before, and it's still one of my favorites.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 24, 2008, 11:55:56 PM
Teenagers & Cats

Why teenagers have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them
by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the
privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager
in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours
on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known
to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal
in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds,
they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and
it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

As for the use of catnip as a reward or an enticement for
teenagers, it is still being hotly debated.

[from Maurizio Mariotti]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 25, 2008, 03:48:04 AM
Thanks for the hints and tips,
I'm gonna need them big time with 2 hitting the teenage 'dead zone' at the same time.. :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 25, 2008, 04:45:28 AM
I think this is another good reason to have cats instead of kids - they take up less room.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 25, 2008, 05:15:06 AM
Not if you keep the kids in the shed!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 26, 2008, 07:40:48 AM
Perhaps we should have been given this test before we procreated!


ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN ?



FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE:

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
11. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out:

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
2. Stir
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 01:43:56 PM
Hard lessons, but oh, so true, binks!

Number 4's my favorite ... number 6 could also apply to cats!

Here's something else useful:

The four most important things for a plumber to learn:

1. Hot on the left, cold on the right.
2. Sh*t flows downhill.
3. Payday is Friday.
4. Don't chew your fingernails.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 26, 2008, 03:45:56 PM
For us guys, there is one major issue you left out.

Small children riding in shopping carts tend to swing their legs.

This has a most unfortunate tendancy to catch us where it hurts the most.

Toddlers appear to enjoy this. :(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 26, 2008, 09:41:56 PM
Isn't 'where it hurts most' you guy's wallets??/

Did i miss something??  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 11:19:26 PM
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 26, 2008, 11:24:03 PM
Oh dear, oh dear!!!  Don't know whether to groan or laugh .... like the headlines bit!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 11:53:24 PM
Mostly I groaned --   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 27, 2008, 01:11:10 AM
State Wage & Hour Review

A man owned a small farm. The State Wage & Hour Department
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board."

"Anyone else?" asked the agent.

"Well, there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10
per week, pays his own room and board, but I do buy him a bottle
of beer every Saturday night. He also gets to sleep with my wife
occasionally. "

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the
agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 27, 2008, 02:57:02 AM

A blond was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
 
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
 
Why WALMART???
 
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
 
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 27, 2008, 08:41:26 AM
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the
US Railroads.


Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used
for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up
with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets
attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the
SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through
that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a
horse's ass.



... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 28, 2008, 12:10:03 AM
What a truly incredible and hilarious tale, binks!!   ;DI'm definitely keeping that one and passing it along!

Here are a few tips for anyone planning a vacation -- and "truth in advertising":

Translating Vacation Terms

When choosing a vacation spot, be aware of the following
advertising terminology and their meanings . .

Tropical . . . . . . . . Rainy.
Old world charm . . . . .No bath.
Open bar . . . . . . . . Free ice cubes.
Pre registered rooms . . Both already occupied.
Majestic setting . . . . A long way from town.
Secluded hideaway . . . .Impossible to find except by cab.
Options galore . . . . . Nothing on the itinerary is included.
Knowledgeable hosts. . . They've been on a greyhound once.
Gentle breezes . . . . . Occasional Gale force winds.
Plush . . . . . . . . . .Top and bottom sheets.
Light and airy . . . . . No air conditioning.
Picturesque . . . . . . .Cutie on the billboard across the street.
Nominal fee . . . . . . .Outrageous charge.
Explore on your own . . .Pay for it yourself.
No extra fees . . . . . .No extras.
Standard . . . . . . . . Sub-standard.
Deluxe . . . . . . . . . Standard.
Superior . . . . . . . . One free shower cap.
All the amenities . . . .A shower cap and soap.
Internet access . . . . .You need your own dial-up account.
Only 25 cents per call . . . . We knock you off-line every 5 minutes.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 28, 2008, 12:35:41 AM
I have much more reverence for a horse's ass now...and will bear in  mind the hols info when next i book...

Thanks guys ....brilliant both !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on March 04, 2008, 06:26:07 AM
For those of us that are dieting.......

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat fois-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.   Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 04, 2008, 07:48:53 AM
Mon dieu...c'est formidable...
Mais je ne regret rien......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 04, 2008, 12:28:56 PM
Moi oh-see!

Vive joie de vivre!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 08, 2008, 03:31:20 AM
I have left everyone with three little larfs to get you through the day:



It's Her Problem

A man dressed like Napoleon, with his right hand inside his coat,
entered the psychiatrist' s office and nervously exclaimed, "Doc,
I need your help right away."

"I can see that. Lie down on that couch and tell me about your
problem."

"My problem??? I don't have any problem. In fact, as Emperor of
France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women,
power, everything!"

"Then why are you here?" asked the psychiatrist.

"It's my wife," replied 'Napoleon', "it's her problem I came to
see you about."

"And what, exactly, is her problem?" queried the doctor.

"I'm afraid she's is in deep mental trouble." answered 'Napoleon'.
"For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schmidt!"
--------------

Hiking

A man comes home from a long business trip and finds his son
playing with an expensive toy.

"Who bought you that?" he asks.

"I did," replies the boy. "I bought it with the money I earned
hiking."

"Hiking?" asks his father. "Who pays anyone to go hiking?"

"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.

"Mr. Jones!? Why would Mr. Jones pay you to hike?" asks the
father.

"I don't know." replies the son. "But every time he came around
to see Mommy he gave me $5.00 and told me to take a hike."
---------------

Insomniac Accountant

An accountant came to work looking exhausted. After a while, his
boss took him aside. "you look terrible! What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night."

"Why didn't you try counting sheep?"

"That was the problem. I made a mistake and it took me the rest of
the night to find it."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 08, 2008, 04:01:32 AM
Titter, titter,   :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 09, 2008, 02:20:58 PM
I know this has been around a while - it's come by me at least 4 times.  But it's still one of my favorites.  A knowledge of science is so important in these times!

                _______________________________________________________________

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic  (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


 One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we  need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Birdy's addendum: this is a new version of an old answer - in the version I had seen before, the student did NOT sleep with Teresa (or whatever her name was), so the conclusion was that hell had not frozen over and thus was endothermic.]


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 09, 2008, 11:21:00 PM
Fantastic Birdy..
I hadn't seen that before...brilliant...but wait till i get my hands on that bloody Teresa...slut!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 10, 2008, 12:48:40 AM
Truly!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 10, 2008, 02:42:33 PM
But T - that slut Teresa sacrificed herself so we could all go to heaven - though it does sound as if she preceded us there.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: lucylu on March 10, 2008, 03:42:21 PM
That was excellent Birdy!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 10, 2008, 07:38:44 PM
MMMMMMMM Birdy..............good point....much the same as me then...i will rethink  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 11, 2008, 02:15:40 AM
Warning:  Do not read this where anyone else can hear it.   I just got this from another forum, and was nearly arrested for disturbing the peace.  I was howling with laughter and tears were rolling down my face.  This is known as a consumer disclaimer.      [It's very long but worth it.]

Funny motor insurance claims.

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 11, 2008, 02:38:55 AM
I think they're hilarious, flockies!  Jasper Carrott's face is a picture when he's telling them!

Think we've had some of these before, 'cos I remember one I especially liked -

Quote
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

Warped sense of humour ... as becomes a raddled old hag!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 11, 2008, 02:41:57 AM
I have seen some of them before, i have been in stitches reading them though....absolutely hilarious....

There are too many to choose a fave...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 11, 2008, 11:54:29 AM
I've seen them before, too ... and they're always just as rip-roaring funny as the first time around!

There are so many funny ones, like the one Linda quoted, and another great one is:


"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 12, 2008, 07:08:39 AM
I had seen some of them before but not all.  I just sent them to you yesterday, and went back today - didn't dare look at them all for fear of needing more tissues to wipe away the tears of laughter.  But even after just 6 or 7, my eyes are tearing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 12, 2008, 09:49:46 AM
Mine were too.....
So bloody funny...and the fact that they are true statements makes it funnier.

Are people really that...stupid!  I suppose they must be..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 13, 2008, 11:55:58 AM
These seem to have the ring of truth ...

Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but
there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for
Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you
least like.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 09:52:46 AM

HOW TO NEGLECT THE FORUM WITHOUT REALLY TRYING


Step 1   Arrange to look after  two grandchildren for several days a week. One must be almost three,going on 43, a drama queen, and have reached the "Tell me why " stage. The other must be 12 months old, have just learned to walk, and have the attitude and habits of a Kamikazi Pilot.

Step 2  Crack one's own ribs. Instructions follow.  Bend awkwardly sideways to pick up aforementioned Kamikazi Pilot (KP), while holding drama queen's hand, during a 3-sided attempt at "Ring-ring-a-Rosy". Listen for the actual crunch as one rib manages to somehow collide with and harm its neighbour.

Step 3  Contract a cold that involves a good deal of coughing. Attempt to suppress the coughing in order not to aggravate cracked ribs. (see Step 2)  At the same time, continue with Step 1, making sure that there is an inordinate amount of picking up of KP. This will result in doing Something Nasty to one's back.

Step 4  While continuing with Steps 1 to 3, prepare for the imminent visit of brother and partner from the UK. Bear in mind that they are enthusuastic bushwalkers and  are eagerly anticipating an energetic and exciting series of hikes, Australian style. Bear in mind also that they are gourmet cooks. Compare this with your own "Hurl various things into a wok, followed by various other things and hope for the best " style of cooking.

Step 5  Combine Steps 1 to 4, take several Valium, a large glass of something alcoholic, lie down in a darkened room and stop the world for a few days.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 14, 2008, 10:09:08 AM
Oh! Dear Binx,
You have been having a rough time of it....
You poor bugger...i feel for you, and believe me i know where you are coming from.
You need to be at least an octopus to cope with 2 at the same time...and that's when you are fighting fit.....
Let the others pander to you, lie low, and put it on as much as possible...groan a lot, limp everywhere, clutch your ribs at every opportunity, be extra snappy all the time....just for a few days....

I wish i could help....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 10:17:46 AM
Thankyou for the kind words and thoughts, T !
It's not as bad as I made it sound, really, but where's the drama and suspense in "I cracked a rib, hurt my back a bit, and I'm expecting my brother soon " ?????
One really has to make the most of one's dramatic possibilities, doesn't one?  Never fear, I'm ladling it on with a trowel........you'd be proud of my performance. I've perfected the barely-suppressed groan, the brave little smile, the attempt to appear nonchalant in the face of appalling agony......God, I'm good!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 14, 2008, 11:50:26 AM
Oh my, binks! Please be careful. You might be young at heart but the ribs keep aging, alas!

We do miss you and hope everything turns around for the better soon!!!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 01:54:35 PM
All is well, really. I just seem to have had a run of Life As She Is Lived recently.  I wouldn't change looking after them for the world, no matter how horrendous I make it sound !

Rapidly Aging Grandmother versus Scarily Articulate Granddaughter.
                                (  RAG v SAG)

SAG   " You be a little girl, Farmor and I'll be a fierce tiger who eats you up."

RAG    " All right, dear."  Sits and looks like a little girl. (dream on !)

SAG    " Yum! Now you've only got one arm! Yum ! Now you've got NO arms!" (etc etc)

RAG    (after attempting to appear armless, legless, headless) " Oh dear! What shall I do ? I don't have any of me left! "

SAG   "  You can't talk Farmor.....you've got no head!"

RAG      Attempts to reply without sound or gesture.This is difficult.

SAG     "Now I'm the lady in the leg shop and you can come to buy some more legs. Come over here, Farmor."

RAG     Starts to shuffle on knees.......

SAG     "No Farmor, you haven't ANY legs. You have to roll "

RAG     Barely suppresses a groan, (see previous post) and somehow rolls to the leg shop.

SAG     " Click ! Click! There you are Farmor....now you have some new legs! "

RAG      Rises with relief, and walks normally.

SAG     " No, Farmor! I gave you little tiny legs, so now you have to fall over ALL the time!"(peals of delighted laughter)

RAG admits defeat.  Despite being legless, manages to crawl several rungs up the martyrdom ladder.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 14, 2008, 08:09:43 PM
We miss you LOTS binks ... especially your haggish wit and wisdom!!  >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 14, 2008, 08:49:06 PM
Binx...you are bloody hilarious....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 14, 2008, 10:07:02 PM
What a perfect understanding between you and her -- she will one day herself become the RAG under your diligent tutelage -- although I daresay she's taught you well herself!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 15, 2008, 03:15:31 PM
Binkie,
That last dialogue made me laugh almost as much as the insurance explanations.  Madly logical, are they not?  Of course you can't talk with no head, or crawl with no legs!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 16, 2008, 03:00:02 AM
Here's one to go along with Binkie's (and my) status in life:

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Granddaddies and Grandmas have only so many horsy rides in them.
-- Gene Perret
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 08:08:28 AM

Oh, how true.....how very true!

Mind you, it's not the actual horsy riding I find stressful, it's the spurs.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 09:31:10 AM
 
 "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. "

Shelley Winters.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 02:45:24 PM
Important Life Lessons


After buying a barbecued chicken, it is not advisable to leave it under a car seat for 3 days by accident.The chicken will be inedible, and the car undriveable for a week, even with the windows rolled down.

Oven mitts are not a substitute for rubber gloves. A plea of being tired and emotional does not excuse plunging the oven mitts into a sink full of hot soapy water.

Those owning a pressure cooker must be vigilant when cooking bouillabaise. It dries, naturally, like fish glue and is exceptionally difficult to scrape off the kitchen ceiling.

Always take reading glasses when shopping. This will help to avoid making irritating mistakes. Conditioner will not lather the hair, no matter how much you use.

When assembling, preparing and pre-cooking ingredients for Lamb Ragout, it is essential to ensure that you have defrosted lamb pieces, and not meat scraps saved to feed kookaburras. Meat Scrap Ragout leaves much to be desired.

Baked potatoes are far tastier and more palatable if you remember to turn the oven on.

The area of kitchen covered by a dropped container of flour is in direct proportion to the number of minutes before guests are expected.

Bullrushes make a wonderful addition to dried flower arrangements. Unless treated beforehand, however, they will explode in a virtual Vesuvius of soft, fluffy seeds, gently blanketing most of the room, especially if anyone breathes.

After a particularly difficult day, if you decide that a romantic interlude is needed, take the utmost care whilst ironing your one-and-only pure silk negligee. The iron should be set on "Silk", not "Instant Charcoal"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 16, 2008, 04:49:21 PM
Oh my gosh Binkie, I do hope that these lessons were collected over a period of many years, decades even!

I relate to your first one at the moment. The evil ginger cat who lives a few doors long from us (and whose equally evil owners do not permit him to go inside their home, thus encouraging him to tour the neighbourhood, generally making a nuisance of himself), (AND who are too skint to have him neutered), decided the soft top of my Audi convertible needed liberal quantities of tomcat spray to establish his territorial supremacy in our garage, I suppose in anticipation of winter and a cosy indoor place to sleep.

Thank goodness for Febreeze!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 05:12:12 PM
Hello Bobbi !  I shall not embarrass myself further by letting you know just how long it took to learn these lessons. Your trials with the cat, however, reminds me that the night of the negligee was also the night that a newly-adopted cat had a violent attack of gastroentiritis on our bed. We discovered this before even turning the light on. There are times when a sense of smell is not desirable.  Still, life would be boring if nothing went wrong, wouldn't it ?   :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 08:29:36 PM
                                 

                                              RAG v SAG



RAG     Sneezes. "Excuse me! "

SAG     "No Farmor, you don't say excuse me when you sneeze. "

RAG     "Oh. What do I say when I sneeze ? "

SAG     "You say "Pardon me""

RAG     "I see. So when do I say "Excuse me" ? "

SAG     (Triumphantly) "When you FART !"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 16, 2008, 10:50:51 PM
Oh, Binks -- if only you could turn your enchanting dialogues into a cartoon strip -- you would delight the world (not to mention a bucketload of cash as the cartoons would be enormously popular!)!  :angel: :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 12:48:32 AM
As Art Linkleter noted, "Kids say the darndest things!"  He made a book or two out of it.  It's good to know some kids these days are learning manners and even nuances!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 12:50:54 AM
This one is old but one of my favorites:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

 Remember the book -
 "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life
 example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor assigned his
 students to a joint writing exercise that quickly degraded - check it out...

 "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

 As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another  copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another  paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and
 forth.

 Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The  story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

 The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

 Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

 ----------------------------------------------------------------

 THE STORY: (First paragraph by Rebecca)

 At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 (second paragraph by Gary)

 Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron  now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle  beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless  hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law  Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands  of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the  Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to  pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.

---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such  an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 A**hole.

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 B****.

 -------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)

 Get screwed.

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 Eat sh**.

 --------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)

 SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 GO DRINK SOME TEA - *****.

 ***************************************************************
 
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Instuctor)
A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 17, 2008, 01:06:54 AM
Oh, what a clever and wonderful exchange! Yes, I do remember the book.

Perhaps we can do the same here -- start a running story! Put our heads together and see where it goes! I think it would be highly popular!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 05:07:43 AM
When my Brooklyn nieces were little, we used to do this orally as we'd be driving the two hours to my mother's house.  Everyone was allowed one sentence.  I do remember that we got one really good story out of it, though I no longer remember the details, since I unfortunately never wrote it down.  The others served to pass the time and keep the kids from fidgeting.

The problem usually is that the story degenerates as it gets torn in one direction or another.  I remember we couldn't stand one character my younger niece came up with.  Her sister used her sentence to kill the character off.  When her turn came up again, the younger niece then used her sentence, "Luckily, a good witch came along and brought the princess back to life."

So - want to start a thread, Threeb?  We might need rules (do you think they'd go over with this crowd?) - that limit the amount of chitchat and commentary - otherwise the story would spin out of hand.  How about:

1. story line - basics agreed on in advance (mystery, fantasy, romance, horror, historical)
2. each segment limited to 50 words or less 
3. written in bold 
4. any commentary to be in italics and a different color (green? - certainly not p____e) 
5. no commentary without additional contribution to the story (that's to keep us hags from name-calling without advancing the story)
6. smilies only in the commentary
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 17, 2008, 09:49:07 AM
Sounds good fun to me.
I think it should have it's own thread though, with no comments in between, or the story could end up very disjointed.....
Another thread could be started to run parallel for comments....

A romantic comedy, of today, sounds like fun.....

I am sure all us girlies could come up with something very humerous and pertinent, if our tales of woe posted on this forum are anything to go by....

And as i am the only one on line at the moment...how about i start???

Any objections from anyone???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 10:21:26 AM
okay - I added a bit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 17, 2008, 10:23:12 AM
Well done....
I will start a comments thread.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 17, 2008, 10:39:24 AM
I'm in .. but I started writing before I read the instructions. I might have to review.

Great rules! No problem, guys.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 18, 2008, 09:08:08 AM
Apple Strudel

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. Then, suddenly, he slipped
into a coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called.
The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The
uncles. All sit waiting for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for
his son to approach so he can hear talk to him.

Moishe is weak form illness and so his voice is very faint as he
says, "I've been ill?"

"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "Very
ill."

Papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel.
I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that
strudel is her masterpiece. "

He lays back against the pillow, weak after exerting himself by
speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just
took the strudel out of the oven to cool."

"A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls
against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too
weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of my
Sadie's strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his
father's request...only to return a few moments later empty
handed!

He sits again by his father's side. Moishe looks at him and says,
"Nu? So...where is mein strudel?"

"I'm sorry, papa." replies his son, "But Mama says it's for AFTER
the funeral!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 18, 2008, 09:35:55 AM

I cannot claim this as my own.....I wish I could !



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Micra in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh#t too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh#t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 18, 2008, 07:52:14 PM
Fantastic.....
I loved it....the tears are streaming ...my ribs are sore...and that is as much exefcise as i can manage today.
Bobbi will be the only one who won't understand what all the fuss is about....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 18, 2008, 07:56:34 PM
Always good to start the day with sore ribs!  Thanks, Binks!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 18, 2008, 08:41:00 PM
Yeah! What's with the personal attack on poor Belinda? Poor woman's only trying to do her job  >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 18, 2008, 09:00:01 PM
I hate to say i told you so girls....but...
I told you so......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 18, 2008, 09:06:01 PM
You're all being mean to her...

Seriously, reminds me of the man down at the local Vibratrain studio (called PowerPlate in some parts of the world). I hate him the sadist! Who would think that a mode of exercise that takes only 15 minutes a day could be so incredibly unpleasant? Can't wait for my subscription to expire. Definitely enough to put anyone off exercise for life.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on March 23, 2008, 04:49:04 PM
Here in the U.S. it's still the day before Easter.  The weather was lovely, so my wife and I rode bicycles in the park.

There was a religious group with several young people, some of them dragging crucifixes.

We were surprised to discover that their crucifixes had wheels.

I told my wife that this was only to be expected.  They were cross trainers.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 12:19:31 AM
I love it!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 24, 2008, 03:58:50 AM
 :) I think we can all relate to that Binkie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 08:10:46 AM
Ain't it the truth ? Inside every 60 + year-old, there's a lovely 16 year-old, screaming to be let out again!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 08:11:36 AM
P.S Not that I was ever considered lovely, even at 16.  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 09:22:06 AM
From a cute kid I became a not-unpleasing adult; however, as time has marched on and as a grandma, I can only hope that I will be revered for my advanced age, because it certainly won't be for beauty!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 24, 2008, 11:52:43 AM
Beauty comes from within threeb.....in which case you are a stunner...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 12:41:50 PM
You always find the best things to say, T......wish I'd thought of it first!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 24, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
it's nice to have inner beauty, but gee, it would be nice to have it on the outside too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 01:13:16 PM
Ah, but Birdy, I am firmly convinced that those of us not blessed with drop-dead-gorgeous looks, work much harder at our other attributes.
We don't expect people to flock to us, and so we become nicer, funnier, more compassionate and if I say it enough times I might actually believe it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 24, 2008, 01:29:30 PM
I do admit that when my nieces were little, I rather hoped that they would not be the prettiest kids in their high school class, since I think that's when the dangers of "prettiness" are worst.  Luckily they were attractive without being movie-starish.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 09:34:49 PM

Five historical blog posts    (From Merlin's Lists of 5 Things)

 1   Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets - reg req.)

 2   HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day

 3   Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)

 4   I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros

 5   BOOBIES - Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 09:40:03 PM
Thank you T for such a lovely thought --really appreciated that. You made my day!

Yes, binks, you're right about developing those other attributes that go so much beyond the physical exterior, and in the long run, what really counts in life!

Plus I love the list, kiddo!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 10:40:10 PM

In that case....here's another one.

  Literary TV Programs Yet to Be Produced.

     BY CHRISTIAN CLARKE



   The Byronic Woman

   Sanford, Dombey, and Son

   Everybody Loves Raymond Carver

   Murder, She Wrote ... and Then Workshopped

   Welcome Back, Kafka

   My Three Puns

   Different Tropes

   The Rockford Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

   Jake Barnes and the Fat Man

   Perfect Stranger (starring Albert Camus)

   The Odd Couple (starring Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald)

   The King of Queens (starring Oscar Wilde)




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 10:49:19 PM
Here's some more, then...

From the hilarious ---

Senior Dating

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she
seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"




... to the sublime!

Grandmas And Grandpas

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
-- Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and
they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure.
-- Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls.
-- Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
-- Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the
television.
-- Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren.
-- Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a
mother...the next you are all-wise and prehistoric.
-- Pam Brown

Grandmother always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete.
-- Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
-- Author unknown

Grandmothers hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever.
-- Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first.
-- Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
-- Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no
fun for old people like it!
-- Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother that's why the
world calls her grandmother.
-- Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.
-- Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it
to your grandmother.
-- Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.
-- Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
-- Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense.
-- Gene Perret

Grandmother- grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are
short on criticism and long on love.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grand-
parents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little
children.
-- Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice.
-- Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
-- Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby
around the finger of a grandfather.
-- Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
-- Author Unknown

If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,'
you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grand-
children.
-- Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children And if they can but
see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature
at a faster rate.
-- Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that
he's married to a grandmother.
-- G. Norman Collie

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-- H.M. Warner on talking pictures, circa 1927

<><><><><><> <><><><>< ><><><><> <><><><>< ><><>
I have finally found the key to happiness. Unfortunately fate had
the locks changed.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
http://www.people. cornell.edu/ pages/bs16
To subscribe: http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/lwlolm? yguid=1093881

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Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 11:32:04 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


   

   Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing.

   BY STEVE FINBOW

- - - -

   Dangerous Lions
   Aging Bull
   Who Framed Roger Rabbi
   The Last of the Ians
   Five Easy Pies
   Brie Encounter
   Who's Afraid of Gin?
   Passion of the Chris
   A Streetcar Named Des
   The Earless Vampire Killers
   L.A. Dental
   My Brilliant Car

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 11:35:47 PM
Brilliant, binks!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 11:37:30 PM
Speaking of getting older ...

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist,
as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman
in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.

"Arthritis with complications? " she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No...," she explained, "Do-it-yourself
with concrete blocks."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 06:48:56 AM
I need new glasses...i read that last line as 'Do-it-yourself kick in the bollocks'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 11:19:00 AM
Which is actually even funnier!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 03:05:22 PM
This is a day or so late, but it really quacked me up!

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"



The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He
was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 03:07:21 PM
... as did this one --

New Virus

WARNING!!! There's a new virus on the prowl!!! Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior
to 1960.

SYMPTOMS:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND".

So be on the lookout for it, it's called the C-NILE virus.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 07:55:44 PM
I have been infected with that virus for some time now threeb...no matter how many anti-depressants anti-biologics glasses of wine i drink i am still affected...

The Easter joke was funny....and very 'by-the-way' on a tangent i watched Mel Gibsons The Passion of the Christ' last night.
Have you seen it? What did you think? I have watched it before, and found myself changing channels at various times so as not to watch it.... I'm interested to know others' opinions, because it was very contraversial when it first came out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 08:11:30 PM
Haven't seen it, mate ... not my cup of char!

Did watch a fascinating programme the other night about the Shroud of Turin and how the carbon dating may have been inaccurate (as I always suspected ... 'cos I know about these things ... as if!! ... but I do hope they're right).

Other than that not seen a great lot of TV over Easter ... apart from Corrie and even been gripped by EastEnders lately ... oh, and I did watch Toy Story 2 ...  :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 08:14:20 PM
You live on the edge mate!!!

I watched some of the 'Shroud' programme too...unfortunately so did my Mum, so we were regaled with her opinion about it over lunch on Sunday....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:14:46 PM
The Passion of the Christ was unbelievable -- so hard to watch, but then, so was the real thing!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:15:39 PM
Didn't realize you were that old, threeb!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:16:22 PM
Remarkably well-preserved!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:19:59 PM
Like a fossil!!  Sorry!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:22:12 PM
I have to say threeb i felt physically sick watching some of it, most of it in fact. It was the most painfully realistic graphic thing i have ever seen in my life. I would have had to walk out if i had watched it at the cinema.

Amazing film...but as i said, i had to change channels last night when the scourging scene was on...i just could not watch it again. The film finished at 1 am...it was hours before i could go to sleep, because it was all i could see when i shut my eyes....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:25:52 PM
It was meant to evoke that response, T, as I'm sure you understand. And, I do empathise with your reaction. It takes a strong stomach to sit through it.

It's one thing when fiction is violent, but quite another to realize that what was portrayed actually happened. The ancients were very cruel -- much as humanity is today. Just very hard to see it laid out in graphic detail.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:36:15 PM
Lots of people like watching gory movies...and i used to...but that was something else..

Completely different...

Schindlers List had the same kind of effect on me too....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:39:15 PM
I can't watch anything more gory than Brief Encounter!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:44:46 PM
...and you call me a soft southener??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:45:59 PM
Yes, I do!  At least I don't moan about the cold weather, softy!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:50:05 PM
I'm a lizard...what can i tell you. I need a hot rock to lie on to get my blood flowing...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:53:32 PM
Suppose that makes me a Polar bear?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:26:06 PM
My very favourite animal in the whole widey worldy....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:27:17 PM
V. cool!  My favourite aminal has got to be the tiger.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:29:55 PM
...and another
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:31:08 PM
T I GG ur....
I like them too...but they aren't as snuggly as 'olops'....i've got one called Gregory.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:32:45 PM
These would give 'Strictly come dancing' a run for their money...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:33:04 PM
I wonder what roberts' fave aminal is?  Rat?  Slug?  Stag beetle?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 25, 2008, 11:40:50 PM
birds     >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:41:36 PM
One of these maybe?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:42:08 PM
..oops...
2 then!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:43:35 PM
How dare you write the b word?!  Trying to frighten me into submission?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 25, 2008, 11:44:45 PM
whatever it takes
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:45:18 PM
If  'B's are his favourite then they would have to be;
A fine pair of them  i must say...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:45:57 PM
They are blue footed boobies if you want to know...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:46:10 PM
I'm beginning to weaken .... I must resist, I must resist .....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:47:43 PM
This one might help you get back on track LL...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:50:49 PM
Absolutely beautiful!  Better than a pair of blue boobies any day!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 26, 2008, 12:01:10 AM
...arh yes, boobies...goodnight girls    ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 26, 2008, 12:03:16 AM
Nighty, night ... sweet dreams!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 27, 2008, 09:54:43 PM
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 27, 2008, 10:01:27 PM
Blimey!  I can go for hours without going, if you see what I mean!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 27, 2008, 10:53:09 PM
I challenge you to watch the entire three-part Lord of the Rings series without "going"!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 27, 2008, 11:08:32 PM
Why would I want to accept such a challenge, mate?  Do I get a prize?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:00:18 AM
Sorry... as if  -- but you'd get bragging rights!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 12:03:48 AM
One thing I have never bragged about is the capacity of my bladder!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:15:04 AM
Well, now I'm confused -- would you refer back to your reply five posts earlier. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 12:18:19 AM
Hardly bragging ... just stating a fact!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:50:13 AM
All-righty then, here's something to make you laugh when you get out of your shower (which roberts is now dreaming about ....)

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have
room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in
the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert
for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one
evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded
down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the
door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an
unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes
later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping
us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are
considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was
another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood
the pig and the cow.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 03:04:40 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 28, 2008, 03:27:34 PM
Last week it was gym bunnies. Now you're being mean to lawyers  ;D Is nobody sacred?  :D :D

I'm training to be an OT - must look for some jokes that take the mickey out of them.

Okay, found one:
Q: How many Occupational Therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. We’d teach the lightbulb to change itself.

Not that funny, but it's the only one I could find. Seems there's not a lot of humour regarding this profession.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 28, 2008, 04:14:54 PM
I agree, Bobbi.......I've tried!  Oh, rats! I found a vaguely amusing picture, and saved it, but He Who Thinks He Rules The Roost recently rejuvenated my computer and installed Windows Vista instead of Windows XP . Now I can't find a thing. (Could this be the start of a sinister plot ?)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 28, 2008, 07:06:45 PM
nah, it was a crap cartoon anyway and deserved to be lost in the ether...

but thanks for trying anyway binks  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 28, 2008, 07:31:44 PM
I do my best!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 31, 2008, 11:03:02 AM
You might have one of these in your yard -- or know someone who does!

A tree swing --
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 31, 2008, 11:22:05 AM
Comfy looking...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 31, 2008, 10:18:03 PM
This is only for those who have experienced an unfortunate marriage/liaison. For the happily married, you won't need the reverse/perverse version ...


"Marriage...Strike That, Reverse It..."

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 02, 2008, 07:22:25 AM
Here's one for Kitteh, not going to bother with the lolcat traslation, I leave that to you Kitteh  :)

I can't respond to any emails today, something's crashed on my computer...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 02, 2008, 11:54:52 AM
A thought for all my mature friends.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 03, 2008, 04:42:00 AM
When you say 'mature' binx i assume you are refering to age only??!!??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 03, 2008, 09:14:12 AM
Well, duh!, T, considering who she's addressing that cartoon to!  I'm sure that most of us are immature enough to warrant the term "youthful" forever.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 03, 2008, 07:10:09 PM
I was just checking....
I don't want anybody under the misapprehension that i am mature, other than in age.... I have a reputation [at least 1 - Shut it Linda!!!] to uphold...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 04, 2008, 01:29:29 AM
don't worry - I don't think anyone will make that mistake about most of us.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2008, 01:38:46 AM
Thank goodness for that!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 04, 2008, 02:05:59 AM
PARENT - Job Description

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
- Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
- Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call.
- Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
- Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

- The rest of your life.
- Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5.
- Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
- Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf.
- Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.
- Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
- Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
- Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next.
- Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
- Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
- Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of
the end product.
- Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

- None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

- None required, unfortunately.
- On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

- Get this! You pay them!
- Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
- A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.
- When you die, you give them whatever is left.
- The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

- No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options.
- However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life
if you play your cards right.

[from John Earl]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 04, 2008, 02:09:19 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2008, 02:11:26 AM
I have printed that off, and i will give a copy to each of the girls next time they ask to see the job description i keep telling them i am working to....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 06, 2008, 04:22:42 AM

stress management

 
*/* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue./*

*/ /**/* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them./*
*//*

*/* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.  /*
*//*

*/* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker./*
*//*

*/* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague./*
*//*

*/* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it./*
*//*

*/* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others. /*
*//*

*/* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on. /*
*//*

*/* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance./*
*//*

*/* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late./*
*//*

*/* The second mouse gets the cheese./*
*//*

*/* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. /*
*//*

*/* Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live./*
*//*

*/* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person./*
*//*

*/* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once./*
*//*

*/* We could learn a lot from crayons.../**/ /**/Some are sharp, some
are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are
different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. /*

*/*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour./*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:42:03 AM

25 Creative Ways to Say That Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top

Forgot to pay his brain bill

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full package

Too much yardage between the goal posts

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:58:56 AM
On a statistical note............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:59:56 AM
and to continue..................
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 12:01:55 PM

Signs You Have a Hangover

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 07, 2008, 06:03:42 AM
Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule one: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup -- a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.


And I mean it



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 07, 2008, 11:28:53 PM
3 Days Later

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still some-
what scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John
finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter!
I've got some good news and some bad news."

Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John.
What is it? What's the good news?"

John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."

Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"

John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last
Friday."


Four Rabbis

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they
are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day.

As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved
across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.

"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form
on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show
that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to
form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree
on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural
causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as
he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,
and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT! "

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 07:13:51 AM

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. on a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. one word: Flatulence!
15. on the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 08, 2008, 07:19:48 AM
Have you been spying on me again Binx?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 08:18:15 AM
Oh, T........I wasn't going to tell anyone that you are my inspiration!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 08:21:30 AM
and now for something completely different.........

For those of us who love split-level homes, but are not quite financial enough to afford one  -
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 08, 2008, 06:13:42 PM
Is that a posher version of trailer trash....???

Who decides who lives in the penthouse i wonder???

Fab picture...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:28:17 AM


                      Classic Quotations

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything"
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.


"The internet is a great way to get on the net"
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate


"You guys, line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach


"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada"
- Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine (April 2004)


"I think war is a dangerous place"
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
- Greg Norman, Golfer


"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something"
- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college


"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself"
- Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal


"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up"
- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player


"I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid"
- Paris Hilton (December 2003)


"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff"
- Mariah Carey, pop singer


"Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future"
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player


"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt"
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President


"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight"
- George Gobel


"And now the sequence of events in no particular order"
- Dan Rather, television news anchor


"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods"
- George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000


"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing"
- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.


"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
- Frank Bruno, Boxer


"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them"
- George Bush

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first"
- George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season


"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding"
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons


"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein"
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst


"Half this game is ninety percent mental"
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager


"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it"
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.


"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them"
- Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties


"They misunderestimated me"
- George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., (Nov. 6, 2000)


"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to"
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel


"Facts are stupid things"
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"That's just the tip of the ice cube"
- Neil Hamilton, BBC2


"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man"
- Samuel Goldwyn


"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid"
- Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer


"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush"
- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC


"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
- George W Bush, Concord, New Hampshire, (29th January 2000)


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
- Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister


"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964"
- Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor



"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees"
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks



"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa"
- Britney Spears


"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding"
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player


"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"Put the 'off' button on"
- George W. Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000


"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?"
- Michael Barrymore


"Food is an important part of a balanced diet"
- Fran Lebowitz, US writer


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation


"For NASA, space is still a high priority"
- Dan Quayle


"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is"
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer



"If only faces could talk"
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl


"Every minute was more exciting than the next"
- Linda Evans, actress


"I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas"
- Jessica Simpson
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:31:10 AM


                      Helpful Thoughts For The Day

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like... night.

3. on the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 09, 2008, 07:43:55 AM
Dan Quale must have had a frontal lobotomy....what is his excuse?!?

really funny Binks..thanks for those...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:59:38 AM
My apologies to all American forumites for the fact that the quotations are almost all from your countrymen!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 09, 2008, 11:48:32 AM
S'aright ... we've heard em all before ... over, and over, and over. ... but they're still funny!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 10, 2008, 01:47:30 AM
Breaking Up In College
(when sharing the same major)

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to
dig it up.

THEATRE
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come
down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an
end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"

BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together,
and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other
party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 10, 2008, 02:34:21 AM
a quick and visual laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 10, 2008, 11:52:09 AM
Birdy, here is the one I was reminded of when you suggested I pit the Suitor again the Bully Neighbour.  Enjoy

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!  Don't take that bad day out on
someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!



I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!  I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there  on my desk.  I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea.  I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it.  Just dial 823-4863.

 [Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.  All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of Assholes in this world.  I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his  car.  I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an
asshole!"  (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a
problem, I had two assholes to call.
 Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some  serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial

 Asshole #1.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.  The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."  He said, "Stop calling me."  I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"  I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
 "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your  prayers."
  "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Asshole!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home.  Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to  watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

{{Names withheld to protect the guilty.}}
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 10, 2008, 01:28:26 PM
I've seen this before - several times - and each time read it through and appreciated it.  So maybe my suggestion was inspired by it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 11, 2008, 04:05:48 AM
I am pleased to say that i don't know anyone that i would like to do that to...but there's plenty of time yet, and will bear it in mind for the future...Thanks..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 12, 2008, 08:24:49 AM
                                            Titanic
                                Directed by James Cameron
                                            1997


                         Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

 

Leonardo DiCaprio

"Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun. "


Kate Winslet

"You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle. "


(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio

"Never let go. "


Kate Winslet

"I promise." (lets go)




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 13, 2008, 11:12:38 AM
If At First You Don't Succeed...

...Blame central management.

...Change the rules.

...Do it the way your wife told you to.

...Delegate and make it someone else's problem.

...Destroy all evidence that you tried.

...Failure could be your style.

...Go postal and shoot the crap outta everything.

...Have a scapegoat handy.

...It must be someone else's fault. Find them. Blame them.
Make them pay.

...Keep a separate ledger.

...Lower your standards.

...So much for hang-gliding.

...You will never succeed.

...You are probably not related to the manager.

...See if the loser gets anything.

...Get subsidized.

...try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields

...failure may be your thing.
-- George Burns

...look in the trash for the instructions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 13, 2008, 11:23:48 AM
Not a perfect world...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 13, 2008, 12:35:11 PM
                                                             

                                                               Songs of
                                                           the Beach Boys
                                                        Adapted as Homeric
                                                      Hymns (Circa 800 B.C.).

                                                       BY ALEXANDER NAZARYAN



                                               Thracian Girls

                                               I Get Around Peloponnesus

                                               I Wasn't Made for These Late-Bronze-Age Times

                                               Zeus Only Knows

                                               Trireme John B

                                               Wouldn't It Be Nice to Die for Mycenae

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 14, 2008, 03:30:56 PM
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't
have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the
snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water
just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself,
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him.

They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
ended up spending the night together.  At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering
where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost
there!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 14, 2008, 06:15:26 PM
I bet  a bloke thought that one up!! :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 14, 2008, 07:28:58 PM
Absof**kinglylutely
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 15, 2008, 07:06:27 PM
Ooooh greenone......and I thought you were such a lady!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 07:14:05 AM
Just came across this on a blog about the English language, and it appealed mightily.........

“The English language is a thug. It follows other languages into dark alleyways, knocks them out and rifles through their pockets for spare grammar”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 16, 2008, 07:36:34 AM
A momentary lapse is my normal perfect behaviour  :angel:  :angel:

This has probably been around the tracks, but is still enjoyable.

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of both be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up
speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present
the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For
example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be
tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There
is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an ; asylum for the
verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a
slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 16, 2008, 07:43:43 AM
No wonder i get a headache every time i try and write more than a post [not the stick it in the ground type- nor do i mean glue when i write stick],
It is confusing G1, which [not the pointy hat sort] is why it is claimed that English is the hardest language to learn...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:02:49 AM
Seraph......seraphim

why not paragraph.....paragraphim ?
           
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:30:49 AM

                              How To Deal With Telemarketers.



1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:39:30 AM
 From an online discussion about annoying phrases and signs......

"I reckon the silliest things are those yellow ‘baby on board’ signs people put in their car windows. So, somebody has a baby on board. What am I supposed to do about it? Drive quietly? Make faces at their baby as I drive past? "


Beezkneez replied to Tim
Fri 11 Apr 08 (02:29pm)

"Baby on board means if you are out of control and about to crash into someone, aim for the school bus in the next lane instead."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 16, 2008, 09:21:22 PM
The College Dictionary

ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class
record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you
mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until
you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to
stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n) A large container in which students store candy bars,
gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-
yos, sunglasses, student I. D.s, loose change, magazines, &
(occasionally) books.

CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to
wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go
over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid
hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new
Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs
named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles
from 8 AM classes.

DORM ROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of
incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and
magazines.

EGGHEAD: 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets
straight A's.
2) (n) That same student once you've dropped eggs on him
from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n) What you wish you had on your credit card.

F: (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a
test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody
goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n) What sorority and fraternity members wear on their
headas.

KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria
kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him
to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding.

LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the
dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter
sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where
the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is
immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the
person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are
so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster"
attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. e.g.
"Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester. "

NO: (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time
in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an
adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n) Unless you're an English major, who really cares?

OUT: (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs
she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n) Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making
people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you
never have.

PRE-LAW: (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under
the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE: (n) A coin operated device for dispensing
breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n) Your football team's weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN
spell.

WEEKEND: (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach
makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people
think.

WALENDAS: (n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join
when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks
in.

WORK-STUDY: (n) Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which
class you're currently late for.

X-RAY: (n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria
meatballs up to ten years after they're eaten.

XYLEM: (n) We're not going to tell you this. You should know this.
You took Biology, didn't you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE: 1) (n) A well-known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep
getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n) Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around
3:00 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN: 1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in
one's underwear.

ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the
pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n) The study of animal life.
(See: "Frat boys at Homecoming")
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 16, 2008, 10:56:33 PM
I Love the telesalesman ideas Binx, i will try a few out later, i usually get at least one call an evening...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 17, 2008, 06:59:49 AM
Had a phone call yesterday from someone who sounded like she was calling from a Call Centre in India and couldn't recall all those tips (must print them out and place beside the phone!).  She started her spiel with "good morning, I am sorry to interrupt you ..." so I cut in and said "well why did you call me?" which threw her off somewhat, however she regained her composure and continued reading from her text.  I kept interrupting and asking her to repeat herself.  She eventually hung up on me.  Victory!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 17, 2008, 07:12:58 AM
Hooray! I have justified my existence !  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 17, 2008, 10:08:06 AM
Glad to know that this forum is just chockablock full of useful advice and hints.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 17, 2008, 08:47:55 PM
Had a ten minute interview with a telemarketer yesterday evening. Her brief was to investigate the TV effectiveness of some home insurance telly ads. Which of course the designer of the survey had buried, somewhat inexpertly in a whole raft of questions about nothing in particular that fooled nobody but took up unwanted extraneous time. But that wasn't the telemarketer's fault, so I made her laugh about it.

My hubby kept reminding me that I was about to be late for choir practice (which made me suspicious that I may be in danger of bumping into his bit on the side should I be late in leaving home).  But I kept good track of the time, and we completed the questionnaire with several seconds to spare. Made sure that I made her laugh more than once. That's my personal telemarketer interaction goal.

Sorry, but I have a problem running down these souls. You have to be pretty desperate for work /wherewithall to pay the rent to take on a ob as a telemarketer. Unless of course you live in Mumbai. In which case it's a foregone conclusion that that's what you do. And probably in the wee hours of your personal day when you should be fast asleep.

If a telemarketer starts trying to hardsell, I am in the fortunate position of telling him/her that I'm a fulltime student with no disposable income. However, if they want to do a survey, then I'm there for them for as long as it takes.

I know this is an unfashionable stance to take, but hey, there for the grace of god go I!!!. If they want money, then bad luck, sorry, can't help this year. But if they want opinions/media awareness, then I'm good to go.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 17, 2008, 08:49:35 PM
That sounded a bit preachy, but basically I'm unrepentant.

Put yourself in their shoes...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 17, 2008, 08:54:30 PM
I did telemarketing for years and I do commiserate with their plight. However, I also tried to be considerate of the person on the other end of the line and never was rude or too pushy.

Occasionally I'd be met with some nastiness, but overall, I'd say the experience wasn't too bad, and it afforded me a reasonably comfortable income as well.

However, my biggest problem was at assignments that insisted that I "stick to the script". Being somewhat of a creative soul, I hated being told exactly what to say, so that was hard to do. Most of the time, however, I'd have good enough luck with my own techniques and make the sale, so I didn't get into too much trouble about it. They couldn't argue with success.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 17, 2008, 09:42:24 PM
Why do these people always ring while you're eating your dinner or waiting for an important call?  I'm not rude to them but give them short shrift (what the hell does that mean?!) or, if I hear a crackling line and a foreign voice asking for 'Meeeses Eeevans' I put the phone down ... quickly!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 17, 2008, 10:17:50 PM
They know you'll be home, dear! It's all well-crafted.

What I hate the most is being disturbed by some horrid recorded voice that you can't respond to. They're either overabundantly cheerful or sound so urgent ... but you can never reply one way or the other.

Caller ID really helps! I keep the phone nearby, and then just glance at the number, and save myself a lot of grief.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 18, 2008, 01:35:47 AM
I regret to say that in my extreme youth, I had a summer job making calls looking for people to go collect on their block for the Leukemia Society.  So I'm somewhat sympathetic to people who have to make a living that way.

I am not sympathetic to those who call despite my being on the "Do Not Call" list, but I know politicians have exempted themselves and charities, so I try not to be rude when I get those calls.  I just say, in a quavering voice, "Oh dear, I'm retired now and I really can't afford it."  I really hate the recorded political speeches, though.  I don't even have the pleasure of giving the pol at the other end of the line my opinion of his past performance.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 18, 2008, 08:31:35 PM
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 19, 2008, 01:13:09 AM
Do we have any French forumites? No!!
Oh well eh??
If the French won't buy our cheese we shouldn't buy their letters... ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 19, 2008, 02:33:15 AM
 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 20, 2008, 07:39:30 AM

Truths About Men.






1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.



P.S.  Only joking, guys!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 20, 2008, 08:28:03 AM
And yet, despite all that ... why do they keep us so (pre)occupied?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 20, 2008, 08:17:51 PM
       
                                      Little Golden Books That Were Rejected



1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 21, 2008, 12:26:42 AM
Customer Service

99.9 percent customer service is good enough, then ...

Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.

22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the
next hour.

1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services
every minute.

12 babies will be given to the wrong parents every day.

268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.

2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the
wrong cover.

5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will
be flat.

Two plane landings every day at O'Hare International will be
unsafe.

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.

291 pacemaker operations will be done incorrectly this year.

950,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
cardholder information on the magnetic strip.

107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of
the day today.

315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the
English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 21, 2008, 05:45:51 PM


  I'm not trying to make the male forumites feel bad, really I'm not. Just couldn't resist this one.........


 

                        THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

 

                        Six married men will be dropped on an island with

                        one car and 3 kids each

                        for six weeks.

 

                        Each kid will play two sports and either take music

                        or dance classes

 

                        There is no fast food.

 

                        Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his

                        assigned house clean,

                        correct all homework, and complete science

                        projects, cook, do laundry, and

                        pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough

                        money.

 

                        In addition, each man will have to budget in money

                        for groceries each week.

 

                        Each man must remember the birthdays of all their

                        friends and relatives.

 

                        Each man must also take each child to a doctor's

                        appointment, a dentist

                        appointment and a haircut appointment.

 

                        He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit

                        per child to Emergency.

 

                        He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social

                        function.

 

                        Each man will be responsible for decorating his own

                        assigned house.

 

                        The men will only have access to television when

                        the kids are asleep and all

                        chores are done.

 

                        The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,

                        adorn himself with

                        jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

                        keep fingernails polished and

                        eyebrows groomed.

 

                        During one of the six weeks, the men will have to

                        endure severe abdominal

                        cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained

                        mood swings but never once

                        complain or slow down from other duties.

 

                        They must attend weekly school meetings, and find

                        time at least once

                        to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar

                        setting.

 

                        They will need to read a book with the children

                        each night and

                        in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their

                        teeth and comb their hair

                        by 7:00 am.

 

                        A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,

                        and each father will be

                        required to know all of the following information:

                        each child's birthday,

                        height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and

                        doctor's name.

                        Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of

                        birth, and length of

                        labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name,

                        favourite snack,

                        favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy,

                        biggest fear and what they want

                        to be when they grow up.

 

                        The kids vote them off the island based on

                        performance. The last man wins

                        only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate

                        with his spouse at a

                        moment's notice.

 

                        If the last man does win, he can play the game over

                        and over and over again

                        for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the

                        right to be called Mother!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 21, 2008, 08:06:29 PM
Bravo, binks -- that was painfully true -- and there might be some worthy contestants out there.

(Remembering as well the sobering fact that not EVERY biological mother was up to the task, either)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 22, 2008, 11:52:02 AM
Six Truths In Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will tell this to another idiot.
6. There's still a silly smile on your face.

Sorry about this...I was feeling like an idiot and needed company.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 22, 2008, 06:10:45 PM
Have you got CCTV in my office Threeb???  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 22, 2008, 10:12:52 PM
 >:D



(http://skins.hotbar.com/skins/mailskins/em/020105/020105_emMO3.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 24, 2008, 07:37:12 PM

The Five Best Things To Say If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk.





5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."



4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."



3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time."



2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"



AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say "...in Jesus' name. Amen."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 24, 2008, 07:48:22 PM
 :D  Am gonna give those a try, Binks!  How the  >:D are you?  Haven't spoken in ages and ages.  Still being run ragged by your adorable grandchildren?  Spoiling them with lots of goodies and lashings of ginger beer?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 24, 2008, 09:59:30 PM
Hi, Lovely Linda!  I'm really well, thanks. Yes, still being run ragged and loving every minute of it ! How's everything with you? Are you a barrister yet.......or maybe a QC ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 24, 2008, 11:03:33 PM
Not a chance, mate, still just a humble (as if) secretary but that's the way I want it though there is quite a bit more to the job than just secretarial work and I am enjoying doing a bit of super sleuthing!!  Still involved in educational research which requires brain power of a different kind but can do that from home in my (limited) spare time!

Glad you're still having fun with your babies .. hope you're reading Upper Fourth at Mallory Towers to them, not forgetting Swallows and Amazons and the Famous Five!  Jolly super!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 02:18:10 AM
On the subject of frisky elders ...

Married Again

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be getting married again at age 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting, " the newsman said. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what
they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker
when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in
her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her
80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for
the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 02:20:23 AM
In case you missed this one ... (sorry, LL -- or perhaps, it might help!):

Legal Terms

APPELLATE: Something to feed your hamster.

BAILIFF: Expensive, dried up leaf, used in cooking.

CAPITAL OFFENSE: The way Bush speaks English.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: What your congressman does to you after he's
elected.
CASE: The amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast.

CHAPTER 11: The part where Rhett rips Scarlett's clothes off.

CONTINGENCY FEES: An amount greater than the gross national product
of Panama.

CONTINGENCY FLEAS: Little insects that live on an attorney's dog
and his toupee.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.

HABEAS CORPUS: A rash under the arm pits.

HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.

JURISPRUDENCE: The girl with sweaty hands that always asked you to
dance in high school.

JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't
ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch
TV.

LAW STUDENT: Someone who studied hard, did well on tests...and
couldn't get into medical school.

LAWYER: Misspelling of the word, "Liar."

LEGAL BRIEFS: What Clarence Thomas plays with under his robe.

MALPRACTICE: Shopping till you get it right.

MISDEMEANOR: Your 6th grade teacher.

PERJURY: When a law firm advertises "We're only here to help."

PLEA BARGAIN: A good price on fresh pleas.

PUBIC DEFENDER: Jock strap.

RECESS: 12:00 - 2:00 ... during which time the attorneys climb the
monkey bars and play grab ass with the secretaries.

RESTITUTION: Sleep disorder clinic.

ROE VS WADE: A decision to make when you reach the shore.

SANITY CLAUS: Fake fat guy with sleigh and reindeer.

TRIAL DATE: Someone you'll probably ask out only once.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 10:15:18 PM
What do YOU wear to work? (P. S.: we all know what T wears!!!

Lawyers
- Suit
- Briefs

Electricians
- Shorts

Boxer
- Socks

Golfer
- Tee Shirt

Psychiatrist
- Slip

Painter
- Coat

Fireman
- Hose

Athlete
- Sweater

Burglars
- Sneakers

Mortician
- Underwear

Mob hit man
- Tie

Mob hit man's victim
- Kilt

Dog Trainer
- Lab coat
- Pants

Mailman
- A dress

Politician
- Skirt (with hem)
- flip-flops

Sugar farmer
- Cane

Security guard
- Watch

Telephone operator
- Ring

Policeman
- Collar

Plastic Surgeon
- Tux

Salesman
- Wool Pullover

Gigolos
- Heels

Ex-Spouses
- Spats
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 25, 2008, 10:24:38 PM
Hangman?
-Suspenders!!


There is nothing in there about basques and stockings....so i'm not sure you do know!!  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 10:55:25 PM
You're making me say it, T, since I can't resist the bait, so I will give you a hint: look under dog trainer ... NOT the lab coat, either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 26, 2008, 12:36:01 AM
I wasn't going to mention my pants again....ever....and now you've made me!!! :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 26, 2008, 10:14:53 AM
Cha-ching!!!!!!!!!!!!

>:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 28, 2008, 09:34:49 PM
Angel's Food vs. Devil's Food...

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 28, 2008, 11:44:33 PM
wonderful! - I shall pass that along!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 29, 2008, 07:06:56 AM
                                 
                                    Excuse The Pun

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery



2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative



3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.



4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.



5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.



7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.



9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?



10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.



12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.



14. Without geometry, life is pointless.



15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.



16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.



17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.



18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)



19. A backwards poet writes inverse.



20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.



22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.



23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.



24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.



25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.



26. A lot of money is tainted. T'aint yours, and t'aint mine.



27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.



28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.



29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.



30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.



31. People who jump off a Parisbridge are in Seine .



32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.



33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.



34. Frog slogan: Time's fun when you're having flies.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 29, 2008, 08:34:27 AM
I love those...very funny...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 30, 2008, 07:18:28 PM


Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
  - Faith Whittlesey
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 30, 2008, 08:13:50 PM
That's always been such a great quote!

Here's a few other oldies but goodies, courtesy of the sardonic Mr. Bierce:

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce:

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 02, 2008, 07:45:45 AM

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 02, 2008, 11:36:55 PM
The Parachute Paradigm (Part 1)

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist:
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist:
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just
like this before.

Procrastinator:
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Gambler:
Same as the Procrastinator, but if you lose you offer to play
again, double or nothing.

Bureaucrat:
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names
of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and
gold fillings.

Advertiser:
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer:
You make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist:
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on
how well it worked.

Mathematician:
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work
in all cases.

Philosopher:
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major:
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 05, 2008, 07:15:25 PM
 
                A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

                "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 05, 2008, 08:42:06 PM
Oh that's clever!javascript:void(0);
Grin
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 05, 2008, 10:25:31 PM
A Fable Of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
20-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20,
the 40 the cow gave back, the 20 the monkey gave back, and the 10
the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 07, 2008, 07:22:10 AM

Most of Australia's populace think it improper to spank children. The other day I was talking to one of my younger friends about methods used to discipline children.
We talked about 'time outs,' grounding, holding back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and I explained that no, I do not spank any of my children.

I explained that what I do is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. I said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case my son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

I will provide a picture of the process which I share with you now
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 07, 2008, 07:26:53 AM
SUBJECT: TOOL DEFINITION

I have more than a passing familiarity with common precision tools. When I got the information below, I immediately recognized it as being amazingly accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh!t!”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X2: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in boltholes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 07, 2008, 07:28:08 AM
Now that is my kind of treatment...a concept i fully understand....
I am pleased to read that i am not the only one who favours this method.
I also find dangling them by their feet over the edge of the multi storey works a treat...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 07, 2008, 07:29:19 AM
...and that is my tool kit to a 'T'...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 01:06:01 PM
Marryin' Stuff

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a
lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands,it' s no wonder
that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the
washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna
work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest
is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make
bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking
orders.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 07, 2008, 09:01:26 PM
Now why the hell did I never think of that when mine were small Binkie?  I love it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 10:12:12 PM
Humor Banned on the Net
For Immediate Release
Washington DC April 11

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related
to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous
or amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the
Internet, bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic
communications. "

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have
confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those
who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humor on
Internet newsgroups."

Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no place in cyberspace;
that is reserved for politicians in Washington. Those clowns have
the audacity to think they have some sort of right to freedom of
speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be returned to
the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized the
military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read
anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special
forces squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation
NoJoke,' throughout the day.

General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete' operations,
admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as the next
guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with computers.
So, we've got a job to do."

The General added, "This is sure a hellofa lot easier than trying
to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of computer geeks;
like shooting fish in a barrel. We've developed 'Smart Oriented
Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers;
got the idea from the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail,
their modem explodes, taking out the system, and hopefully the
user. Neat, clean and untraceable. "

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and
military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially
hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to
surface.

Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been able to
avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice before
it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet!

If someone tries to tell you a joke, just say NO.

If someone asks you "Why did the chicken cross the road?", reply
that you don't know -- it's a trick question.

Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups.

Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer.

Remember, there may be an SOB with your name on it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 07, 2008, 10:43:05 PM
LOL! Do you think we could all be in the same gaol cell or corner of hellish fire?  Don't somehow think we're destined for clouds and harps!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 10:56:34 PM
burn, baby, burn!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 04:11:43 AM
..disco inferno... :-V
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 08, 2008, 06:07:46 AM
Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.  I was crying by the end.   
 This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
   
 Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
 Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
   
 Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
   
   
 Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
   
   
 CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
   
 CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
 Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
   
 CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
 Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
 Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
   
 CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
 Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ...  just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
   
 CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
 Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wo nder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
   
 CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
 Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
 Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
   
 CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment!  **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mou th. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
   
 CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
 Judge # 3 - No Report
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 06:19:35 AM
That's very funny...
I remember my Grandad in Italy, and all his mates had a chilli eating competition every year at harvest time...to see whose were the hottest and who ould eat the most...

It was so distressing to watch....they drank home made wine instead of beer...

The next 2 or 3 days it was agony to watch them try and walk normally..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 08, 2008, 06:27:46 AM
Oh, Birdy...........I really was crying with laughter by the end.............thankyou!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 08, 2008, 06:29:30 AM
I really sympathized with the poor guy - I'm allergic to hot foods - break out in hives, so I've never developed a tolerance.  I do know enough not to drink water after I've had some.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 08, 2008, 06:48:52 AM
perhaps not appropriate seeing as we have so many Aus buddies, but it sure make a change from all the sheep jokes we Kiwis are subjected to...

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.   After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.  She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other..  So, they end up getting married.  On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.  All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
'What happened?' she asks.
'I've never been with a woman' he says,  'But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 08:12:20 AM
That's a good one bobbi...my kind of humour...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 08, 2008, 10:08:11 AM
Both the Chili story (being from Texas, I can CERTAINLY relate to that one), and the virgin were both hilarious! Thanks for those gems, mates!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 08, 2008, 05:14:52 PM
Birdy, I'm sitting here with spec so smeared I couldn't see much even if my eyes weren't streaming, my nose is totally stuffed and if I hadn't been alone here my sons would have thought the old gal had finally lost it as my whoops  and howls of laughter rang out!  That was hilarious!

The virgin was good too Bobbi!  Thanks.  Amazing how a good laugh makes the day seem possible.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 08:35:18 AM
 

School 1960 vs. School 2008


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1960 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 08:40:01 AM
The shame of that is, apart from being funny...it's not funny, because it all oh! so true...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 08:53:01 AM
Had this a while ago now and I thought the same as you T...so, so very true! (at least for those of us that can remember way back then!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:05:03 AM
Had a feeling you'd have come across it before (Oh Lor, it wasn't in this forum was it ? Should do some checking before I post !) but yes, it's horribly close to the truth here in Australia too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 09:06:40 AM
No, I got it as an email  :P
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:09:17 AM
Phew !     :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 09:12:38 AM
The world has gone PC crazy...
Is there no common sense left anywhere anymore??

It's no wonder kids are like they are [some of them anyway]...
A few more good hidings wouldn't go amiss..not that i advocate violence you understand!?


Excuse me a minute...i have just been interupted by a pewking child that needs a thorough beating for being so rude...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 09:15:36 AM
So inconsiderate of her...send her back to the shed!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 09:19:56 AM
Gone in 60 seconds with a think ear to boot....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:51:03 AM
Is that like a cauliflower ear, but with more brains ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 09, 2008, 10:51:31 AM
Sorry I'm so late responding, binks but that was eerily too true ... man, how the world has changed, with  over-zealots ruining things for everyday common sense!!!!  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 02:08:41 PM
This may strike a chord with my fellow Aussies, and mystify everyone else......


You know you’re Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word ‘girt’.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.

10. You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’.

11. You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional.

12. You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’.

15. You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’.

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.

30. You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’.

32. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.

35. You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’.

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

(from The Sydney Morning Herald , Australia Day, Jan 26, 2008).


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 09, 2008, 04:28:57 PM
I think anyone of us who are teachers are living the school vs school scenario!  Tragic, isn't it.  I'm forwarding it to my school (from before I retired).  It's a Boys' School and it will ring so true.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 09, 2008, 08:43:33 PM
Hey, binks -- #31 sounds suspiciously like someone from da Bronx!!!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 10:29:21 PM
What a cultural continent you are Binx....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 10, 2008, 12:12:35 PM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke –Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive


So the Minister asked the congregation
What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
 
 That pretty much ended the service.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 10, 2008, 12:38:26 PM
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk she takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly

'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 10, 2008, 04:07:26 PM
Ha ha!  Love it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 10, 2008, 08:29:55 PM
Love both jokes, bobbi -- thanks, mate!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 10, 2008, 09:19:05 PM
very funny...
i want some.....nude flashers that is....i wonder if they sell them in asda...buy one get one free....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 11, 2008, 12:50:19 AM
Thanks for that, T....my tea is now all over the keyboard!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 11, 2008, 05:47:45 AM
Loved the emergency flashers!  Off to forward the joke on to others who will surely appreciate it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 11, 2008, 12:51:39 PM
Understanding Corporate Speak

Essentially complete:
It's half done.

We predict:
We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the
people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle

Basic agreement has been reached:
They won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our
conclusions.

Task force to review:
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been
loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer.

Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it
anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!

Results are promising:
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 11, 2008, 04:13:29 PM
The following is rather long, but worth it, in my humble opinion. It's a restaurant review by A.A Gill, who writes for The Times. I read his columns religiously, simply becuase he makes me laugh !



It’s not often that I come across a completely new ingredient on the menu. When Japanese and southeast Asian food became the must-have fantabulosa handbags to the mouths of the 1990s, the lists were full of gubbins that sounded like a Cambodian war memorial, and you just had to take it on trust that you weren’t being fed fermented monk-toe jam.

Although we are the only creatures that crave epicurean variety, we eat a cravenly small percentage of the biology available: 90% of our diet consists of a handful of grasses – wheat, rice, corn, millet, barley; a clutch of fat, stupid animals; half a dozen fruits; a few brassicas and roots; a nut; and that is about it. Except for fish: we are voracious about fish. But that is only because we can’t see what we are catching and they all taste the same. The variation in our diet is made up of mixing and matching ingredients, creating small but telling descants.

So, when I found an unknown leaf in my soup at the newly refurbished Launceston Place, I wanted to know whether it had fallen off the table decorations, been regurgitated by a pigeon or was indeed some fresh ingredient. I gave it to a waiter and asked, what’s this? He managed to slam his teeth shut before replying: “It’s a f***ing leaf, you spoilt, annoying, sanctimonious, patronising turd. Don’t you think cleaning up after you is humiliating and tedious enough without having to be Monty Don as well?” Instead, he said: “I’ll go and ask, shall I?” Ten minutes later, a supervisor woman came and brightly informed us that the “herb” was pennywort. Pennywort? Wasn’t Pennywort one of Titania’s little helpers? Isn’t it a constituent part of poultices for sweat-plagued buboes? Isn’t a nosegay of pennywort a deterrent for itinerant succubi?

“Nice, isn’t it?” she added. “Sort of citrussy.”

“Citrussy” is that catch-all description for all strange greens, just as “a bit like chicken” is the international description for all weird meat. I have had a bit of a dig around the pennywort: it sounds so wholesome, so cottagey. But, holy moly – it’s a triffid’s uglier brother. It’s the devil’s armpit hair. As we speak, there are weeping lobbyists desperate to get parliament to ban the stuff. Hydrocotyle ranunculodies was virtually unknown here before 1991, when it was introduced from its native North America as an ornamental hanging-basket plant. Nothing good or wholesome has ever come from a hanging basket. Hanging is too good for them.

Since then, it has escaped to the waterways and rivers of fair Albion, where it forms dense mats that kill everything that falls through it, including a number of gypsy children and a rowing eight. It has already colonised Central and South America and is causing havoc in Australia. Then again, doesn’t everything? The hideous truth about the oh-so-innocent-looking pennywort is that it can double its biomass every three days. That’s terrifying. By my calculations, if I hadn’t eaten it, it would have eaten me before pudding, and it will choke Venice and be halfway up St Paul’s by next Bonfire Night. Now, eating the stuff poses an ethical problem to the committed, green, healthy-option, organic restaurant: is consuming a biobully an inventive, Gandhiish way of dealing with it, transubstantiating evil into rotund stools? Or is making it an ingredient elevating its status to health-food crop and, therefore, protecting it? The answer lies on the tip of my tongue. It doesn’t taste citrussy; it tastes like licking the walls of a goldfish bowl. Nuke the bastard.

This may be the third or fourth time I have made a professional visit to Launceston Place. It is the quintessential Kensington restaurant. It was opened by a dashing pair of plausible and charming sloanes who served simple, sophisticated good food to locals. As the years went by, inevitably, the quality collapsed. It got bought and sold and half-heartedly made over. It survived on the loyalty of people whose legs were too wobbly to walk much further and who thought it was impolite or gay to notice what is on the end of their fork. Now it has had the complete Conran from Conran’s restaurant group, which is now not called Conran, and the new chef comes from the gastro-Parnassus of Pétrus.

I went with the Blonde and my two big kids. The dark, rambling rooms have been made darker, the lighting has been improved – ie, made darker – and there are some emptily moody, German boutique-hotel landscapes nailed to the walls. The tables have grown another layer of napery; there are preplate plates; and the wine waiter has a bunch-of-grapes brooch on his dinner jacket, just so you know he’s not a plate-stacker. I think all professions should do this, except gynaecologists. This is a restaurant that wants to be taken seriously by the sort of people who take restaurants seriously.

I started with nettle soup, a clump of pondweed, including the hegemonic pennywort, and a blob of horseradish sorbet. Actually, I didn’t start with that – I started with a complimentary shot glass of insemination-temperature cauliflower soup, with a cold cream cappuccino top and a grey, slimy nose-blow of truffle oil as a garnish. You can sip it like espresso, the waiter said helpfully. Liquidised cauliflower tastes like fat boy’s farts. Effluent cauliflower with added truffle oil tastes like corpse bloat. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it and I don’t care to be quizzed about why I didn’t enjoy it. The soup was better: it was nice to have something seasonal, and I like the thought of naked, whimpering Polish children being forced into East Anglian hedgerows to collect the nettles. In the end, it is just green soup, with all the do-goody, bovine credentials of wild greenness.

Next, my milk-fed lamb was three squiggly, munchkin bits of nascent sheep. You rarely get this in England, and I can’t think why – the place is lousy with the sodden, limping, maggoty things, with farmers always complaining that they can’t give them away at car-boot sales. The Easter milk-fed lamb has a serious premium. A drunk man with a stocking on his head has to grab the teeny-weeny, gambolling, gamine-eyed, plaintively bleating baby from its mother’s nipple, then shoot it in the face with a nail gun while mumsy runs in circles. I can’t imagine why you can’t get it at Tesco, or why Hugh isn’t encouraging us all to do it in our back gardens. It is utterly delicious and worth every soft, sentimental bleat. The chops are the size of shillings and the meat is sweet and giving, with the texture of warm silk camiknickers. But the dish I got, with its three parts, each like a brown Swiss postage stamp, all cooked differently, was a doll’s-house dinner – cleverly made, but underwhelming to eat. In fact, almost impossible to eat. It was such a waste, both of the ingredients and my expectations.

That is the thing about this food. The stuff is impeccable; a piece of salmon as good as I have had in London, but squirted with hazelnut oil. The raw beetroot purée that came with my lamb was so intensely delicious, I could have eaten a pint of its borscht. But everything is measured in teaspoons and dribbles. This chef came from the ensemble put together by the estimable Marcus Wareing and overseen by Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay has just been given a predictable sneery kicking by the French press for opening a restaurant in Paris, and one of the things they said about him was that he competently brought 1970s French food back home. There is more than a soupçon of veracity in that. It applies to this second-generation protégé, too. The food may be pink, perky and as fresh as the dew at dawn, but it has been prepared in a manner that is so past its sell-by date, it’s like eating repeats of To the Manor Born. The chef is not just skilled: he is gifted, has a calling, and can cook – he just has no idea how to eat.

I don’t normally do advice, but, if this were my restaurant, I would give him a month off and an expense account, and tell him to eat out three times a day with friends, then start all over again. Because as it stands, Launceston Place is a burp from the grave. A waste: a waste of brilliant material, a waste of a good location and, sadly, a waste of a considerable cook. But, most important, it’s a waste of the customer’s time, expectations and, at about £50 a head, money.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 11, 2008, 10:37:43 PM
Oh Binkie, I LOVED it.  I wish he could do some reviews of some of our pretentious restaurants!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 12, 2008, 06:20:46 AM


At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels
are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self is included.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 06:24:23 AM
Those last two entries, binks, were just Ab-Fab!!!

I looked up your restaurant critic in The Times, too, and he's really a brilliant writer!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 12, 2008, 06:34:24 AM
Glad you like it too, Threeb. I'm not sure what sort of person he is in "real life", mind you. A trifle picky perhaps ? (Ooops....unintended pun, there !)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 06:48:47 AM
 >:D :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 12, 2008, 04:03:58 PM
Thanks Binkie, another one of your hilarious finds to go winging across cyberspace to all my friends living the new (old??) Barbie life.  Where do you find such clever stuff?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 10:12:40 PM
A Startling Statistic!

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles
per year.

Another revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of
beer per year.

Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon. So,
given the current price of gas, quit driving, start drinking beer
and walk!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 12, 2008, 10:45:46 PM
That sounds like a plan....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 11:00:55 PM
Sadly, it might very well come to that!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 13, 2008, 07:39:15 AM
   
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone companyis in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 13, 2008, 11:16:02 AM
Love it Binkie - I thought I was the ONLY one these things were happening to.  Now that I know it is a conspiracy, I'm much happier.  I can now relax and work on how to beat 'them'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 11:18:18 AM
I thoroughly enjoyed that romp, binks -- but the font wasn't quite big enough!  ;) Plus, it nearly wore me out reading, so I had to take a nap between those very looooooooooong paragraphs!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 12:18:56 PM
After Brokeback Mountain, there is a new cinematic marvel: El Vaquero Raro

Did you hear about the new TV series for this fall?  It's a western with dialog like never before!

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist, in a
dirty mug, por favor..."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys
room."

"Rustlers! Quick! Pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete ... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the
rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat,
seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from down below Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Ooooh!
Stop right there. Perfect!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 12:21:22 PM
Scottish Farmer

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown
field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.
While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman
and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman
asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his
wife a ride.

"Well", said the pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but
if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride
will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you
will owe the full fare."

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took
off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its
paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it
and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout
the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really must hand it to you for
keeping quiet through all that!"

"Aye", replied the Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost had me
when the wife fell out."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 13, 2008, 01:05:24 PM

Thanks for a really good laugh, Threeb !  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 04:25:35 PM
LOL, Thanks Binkie and Threeb.  Another good start to my day.  Keep it up, it's becoming addictive!javascript:void(0);
Grin  I don't know how to use these b----- smileys! 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 05:59:47 PM
 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   :laugh:

Cheers guys...we should write the Chi laughter book, and put in all the jokes that have been sent in...

It's easy Toni...you just click on the smiley you want...  :-\    that's all you need to do.
What are you doing?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 06:04:43 PM
Thanks T, I'll try on this post.  Actually, it's 10am here and I'm still sitting in my nightie, footling around with the word puzzle and playing bookworm, thinking that I really should go and have a shower and sort myself.  No lessons un til 2pm and they are already planned, so there's not a great deal of impetus in my life at the moment. :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 06:08:06 PM
Yay, it worked!  In the words so loved by our government "I am empowered!"  Thanks.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 06:12:16 PM
You're very welcome...

I like playing bookworm too...bookworm deluxe...

Nothing wrong with lazing about in your nightie...i might try that tomorrow...
Actually i'm not sure that would go down too well in the workshops...  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 13, 2008, 09:41:30 PM
Bet it would if you weren't wearing knickers T  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 10:00:37 PM
PANTS....... :-R

...and as been said recently by threeb [or was it Binx?]...i go commando...  :o
...and as Health & Safety is one of my 'things' i am worried there may be too many accidents...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 14, 2008, 12:32:33 AM
My friend Joan has just sent me this and it gave me a chuckle so I'm sharing.


 THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY..




1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....


3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.


4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.


6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH

SOAP?


9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL

HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

ENDANGERED PLANT?


13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID

SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?


16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE

RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW

ROAD SIGNS?


21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER

PEOPLE.


23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?


25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE

HUNGRY?


28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?


30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF

"ASSTEROIDS"?


31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE

BECOME DISORIENTED?


34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 14, 2008, 07:42:19 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

A SENIOR MOMENT_ - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to

her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it

published in The Times .



Dear Sir,



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,

three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the

cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour

it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only

eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window

of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that

whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,

when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore

and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank

by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at

your bank whom you must nominate.



Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application

Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I

am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no

alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical

history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory

details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which

he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be

shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number

of button presses required of me to access my account balance on

your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest

form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.



2-- To query a missing payment.



3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.



4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.



5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.



6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my

computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a

later date to the Authorised Contact.)



8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8



9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy

an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new

arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less

prosperous, New Year.





Your Humble Client

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 14, 2008, 07:44:41 AM


Drug dealers across Britain are coming under increasing pressure to come clean about whether some of them have been secretly dabbling in sport. one leading drug lord has claimed that an interest in athletics, football and tennis is not only commonplace but tacitly accepted across the industry and that many gang leaders are prepared to turn a blind eye to the practise.

‘Sport is ruining the world of drugs’ said one smackhead from Manchester’s Moss Side. ‘In the good old day, sickly looking dealers used to sidle up to you on a shady stairwell on the estate. Now you have to run after them on the athletics track and they pass you a bag of crack like it’s some bloody relay baton.’

A hidden camera in Manchester’s Moss Side area, recently caught two drug dealers who were ostensibly doing a quick deal in cannabis resin, but as soon as they thought no one was looking they then took off their hoodies and surreptitiously attempted to break the European and Commonwealth record for the triple jump. ‘We’ve had rival drugs gangs challenging each other to games of badminton, addicts organising impromptu gymnastic displays and all of this association with sport is doing nothing for the image of illegal drugs.’

A police raid in Bristol last month caught six dealers just as they were lined up to run the two hundred metres. The operation ended in tragedy when a local sports coach fired the starting pistol, and the police returned fire, killing all six men and injuring a number of bystanders.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 14, 2008, 07:58:20 AM
That is a very biased article Binx....
Are you trying to sat that it's only in the YUK that it is happening?

I hope not Madam.....or i'll set my monkeys on you.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 14, 2008, 10:27:53 PM
Here are a few (corny) zingers -- not nearly as funny as Binx's story, but, what the heck ...

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 06:52:21 PM
I like!!  .... especially the last one as I was devising somebody's will only yesterday ... plenty of revoking, bequeathing, whatsoevers and wheresoevers!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:20:24 PM
Thanks 3B - gave me a laugh which I desperately needed today.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:25:13 PM
Are you in ze desperation, mon petite choux?  Nil desperandum we are here to brighten your day/night/whatever flaming time it is in the Underworld!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 15, 2008, 08:29:19 PM
Fear not, Greenone....us hags are programmed to destroy all negative and pessimistic thoughts, and to replace them with light, joy, harmony and pornographic dreams !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:30:48 PM
I am concocting a potion as we speak!!  Newts are a bit lively today and keep hopping out of the cauldron!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:33:32 PM
Underworld??  I can't imagine what you are referring to.  We are on REAL time here petal.  You are obviously on pretendy time  :angel:  Do please keep in mind that this puzzle originates from Australia, so our time zone surely must be real time.  No?  Yes?  Definitely.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:34:59 PM
Well Binkie, I don't think we should go as far as destroying LL - surely not
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:39:31 PM
Does Binkie want to destroy me?  Have I missed some caustic comment?!!

Whatever .... I don't care what you say, geo, Greenwich Mean Time is the properest time in the world!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:46:50 PM
Nah.  Of course we are not trying to destroy you - wash your mouth out with soap and water girl How could the forum ever do that to you.  I musn't have gone back far enough in the thread.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:49:50 PM
Phew!! 

OMG I've just spotted the window cleaner over the road .... I hate it when he's around ... feel like you have to move from room to room to avoid eye contact with him ... and he charges a fortune .... might pretend not to be in!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 15, 2008, 08:53:19 PM
Gordon Bennett! I knew I shouldn't have had that last glass........now I'm utterly confused. Destroy Lovely Linda ? What a dreadful thought....and where did it come from ? Linda, Hag of my Heart, nothing is further from my mind. We have obviously passed on different psychic planes, and the resulting ectoplasmic emanations have warped my true message. Live long and prosper !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:55:57 PM
Fear not, fellow Hag, I knew that nothing could be further from your thoughts.  LL and P to you, too!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:04:05 PM
Sorry you're feeling down today Geo.  Here's a small chuckle, specially for you:

    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
    you
    determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
    the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
    bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
    bed near the window?'

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 15, 2008, 10:09:38 PM
That was wicked awesome, binks!

Run, LL, run -- the cleaner's watching!!

And geo, I do hope you recover from your doldrums ... perhaps a teaspoon cup bucket of chablis or pinot might soothe you? or a ride to some lovely scene? or calling an old friend you haven't talked to for years?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:17:47 PM
Toni when I was studying for my Cert Ed our tutor asked us that question and not one of us got the answer ... thick, or what?!!  >:D

Window cleaner appears to have bogged off ... I'm sure he'll loom in at me from the window soon though!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:28:07 PM
Ah Linda, another teacher!  Not the easiest way to earn a crust these days, is it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:31:42 PM
Obviously not because I don't really do it any more, apart from the odd bit of private tuition and some education research which is what I am supposed to be doing right now but keep getting drawn back to the Forum!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:36:58 PM
Ah, clever girl!  I also go the private tuition route now.  So much less stressful!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:40:06 PM
... and so much more lucrative!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:23:31 PM
Oh Yeah!  Just blown the phone bill with a looooong chat to my friend in Brisbane.  It's her birthday today.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 11:30:00 PM
Ouch .. that must hurt!!  How kind and thoughtful of you to make such a costly gesture!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:33:36 PM
Well, she has always been one of my dearest and it's cheaper and more satisfying than sending a prezzie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 11:35:56 PM
As they say in a phone advertisement over here. 'It's good to talk!'  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:45:06 PM
Ja, I love talking.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 16, 2008, 07:00:45 AM
Never...

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier.
-- Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-- Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother
to hear at your trial.
-- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
-- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large"
or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether.
Trust me.
-- Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying
for the job of umpire.
-- Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-- Harry S. Truman

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local
sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-- Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods (or goddesses) unless you really want them
to appear. It annoys them very much.
-- G.K. Chesterton

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no
end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look,
it's always gonna be me!"
-- Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-- Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is
in the room.
-- Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-- John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-- Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-- Ruth Gordon

.... and, finally, for those who know me a bit -- my favorite:


Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
-- American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 16, 2008, 07:38:47 AM


A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Toilets Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 toilets to clean.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 16, 2008, 06:13:31 PM
> > The Eukanuba Diet
>
> I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at Pick 'n Pay and standing in
> a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I
> had a dog.
>
> On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again, although
> I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that
> I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming
> out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is
> load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
> you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I
> was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically
> everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
> was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because
> I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the
> street licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard
> as he staggered out the door.
>
 

 
> Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 16, 2008, 08:09:28 PM
that is so clever  :laugh: >:D :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 17, 2008, 07:00:47 AM
Thanks a lot, Toni.......I have just snorted coffee out of my nose and all over my keyboard!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 17, 2008, 08:33:25 AM
Charming Binx...
You weren't trying to lick your bits then???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 17, 2008, 04:59:14 PM
The mental pics are hilarious.  Hope your keyboard survives Binkie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 09:29:20 PM
I snorted coffee, too, when I read it happened to binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 17, 2008, 09:35:00 PM
You hag, you! >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 09:50:30 PM
I take that as the ultimate compliment, toni!

Thanks -- Always and forever!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 17, 2008, 09:54:10 PM

And I suppose the rest of you are so ladylike that you never, ever, snort drinks down yor nose when  made to laugh ?????
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 10:07:55 PM
Living to tell the tale's the trick, then!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 17, 2008, 11:48:19 PM
I don't snort drinks, either up or down my nose....

I won't vouch for anything else though.... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 18, 2008, 12:05:49 AM
To my mum and dad's generation a "snort" was slang for a drink (alcohol)  I wonder where it came from?  They had certainly never heard of any other form of snort except for something a horse might do, or a snort of disgust.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 18, 2008, 02:14:47 AM
Well!! Pooh-pooh on that, then! (And what does THAT say?)  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 19, 2008, 01:39:19 PM
 an oldie, but I haven't seen it for years...

A farmer stopped by his local mechanic to have his truck fixed. 

They couldn't do it while he waited,  so he
said that, as he didn't live  far, he would just walk home.

On  the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket  and a  gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple  of
chickens  and a goose. However, struggling outside the store
he now had a  problem -  how to carry his entire purchases
home.

While he was scratching  his head he was approached by a
little old  lady who told him she was  lost.  She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird  Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close  to  that house  I would walk you there but I can't
carry this  lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint
in the   bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken
under each arm and carry   the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and  proceeded to walk
the old girl  home.

On the way he says 'Let's take  my short cut and go down
this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'

The  little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a  lonely widow,  without a husband to defend me.  How
do I know that when we  get in the  alley you won't hold me
up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and  have your way
with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a  bucket,
a gallon  of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the
world  could I possibly  hold you up against the wall and do
that?'

The old  lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket,  put the paint  on top of the bucket, and I'll
hold the  chickens.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 19, 2008, 04:39:51 PM
LOL!  Cute! ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 19, 2008, 06:21:03 PM
We are ingenious breed us girls.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 21, 2008, 08:31:52 AM
You probably know this one, but...........

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! T'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question????

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 21, 2008, 10:36:51 AM
It's always as funny as the first time, binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 21, 2008, 05:02:53 PM
I hadn't seen it before Binkie.  It gave me a good laugh and a strong feeling of recognition.  Mind you, menopause is not an issue here, that's just pretty normal for me on a bad day, hmmm, maybe most days! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 24, 2008, 02:03:10 PM


Just reading a television review in The Times online. There was apparently a programme about eating habits during the war, and mention was made of Spam. The first reader comment is as follows.....

"I was my family's shopper in the war and was never able to buy Spam then. Where does this myth come from that we were all eating Spam? It was the off ration rabbits that kept us going. 2 shillings for an ordinary sized one and 2 and sixpence for a great big one. Twice we roasted rabbits at Christmas "

Judy, from Leighton Buzzard.


A couple of letters later was this......

"I was my family's shopper in the war and was never able to buy Spam then. Where does this myth come from that we were all eating Spam? It was the off ration buzzards that kept us going. 2 shillings for an ordinary sized one and 2 and sixpence for a great big one. Twice we roasted buzzards at Xmas"

John, from Leighton Rabbit.



P.S For those not in the know, Leighton Buzzard really is a place !





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 24, 2008, 07:42:27 PM
Aye it is and only about 20 miles from where most of my family live!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 12:09:07 AM
Wasn't there a band called the Leighton Buzzards?  Think so.

Hi Jane, what about Man U's game the other night?  I just knew Ronaldo was going to miss that penalty but all was well in the end!  Fantastic achievement!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 12:57:36 AM
Back to the subject of cows.

When the government gets involved:

Government:

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Economy:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 12:59:26 AM
 :D :D :D  We do not have any mad cows over here at the moment, luckily ... with the exception of a certain Forumate that is!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 25, 2008, 01:15:06 AM
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder whosells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annualreport says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with ninecows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 08:00:17 AM
Presactly!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 08:01:22 AM
LL -- I thought she was a mad mare!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 25, 2008, 10:14:46 AM
Who is SHE, the cat's mother???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 06:35:10 PM
Moooorning mate!!  Are you turning into an insomniac, too?  1.14 a.m. - a time when all good Christian souls should be safely tucked up in bed!!  >:D

Can you remember me calling you a 'cloth-eared bint'?  What an endearing term of affection, eh?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 25, 2008, 10:16:53 PM
It is forever inprinted on my mind Linda....
November 14th 2007 at approximately 8.45 a.m. in High Tea, page 42, reply #615......

Yes i was up late...my 2 had 2 friends sleeping over...so it was a late night for all of us...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 10:48:03 PM
Glad I made such a lasting impression on you!

My son had a mate staying over last night, too .... 3.30 a.m. and still chittering away!  Mate eats like a horse but luckily I'd just stocked up the bare cupboards/fridge/freezer!!

Off to colour my hair .... could be disastrous but I like living dangerously!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 25, 2008, 11:06:54 PM
Oh I am glad mine(except for John) are out of the house and although I still get the odd drunken mate crashed out for the night, the days of storming out at 3 in the morning threatening instant death, are over.  It does help to be the "hag mum" of the group.  At school my nickname was The Dragon lady and, as most of the friends knew me as that, they had a small fear that my home image could vanish in a puff of dragon smoke.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 11:34:04 PM
You have proven yourself to be a life-long hag, then. Get on your broom and take a few turns over the house!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 26, 2008, 12:38:37 AM
I used to have a student who called my Dragon Number Two .... Number One being his mum!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 26, 2008, 12:53:55 AM
That's the way!

I usually glare and put my hands on my hips ... generally does the trick. Nobody ever dared call me one to my face, but I'm sure they were thinking it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 26, 2008, 01:50:27 AM
I've never been called one to my face either, but you know how those things get round in a school.  I must say I did nothing to discourage it! >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 07:48:36 AM

                                       JEWISH BUDDHISM

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?


Be here now. Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?


Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.


Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or for a life without problems.
What would you talk about?


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy!


There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
Whose fault was that?


Zen is not easy. It takes great effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkis!


The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.


Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. Sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.


Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals...
...You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says, there is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 27, 2008, 03:02:35 PM
God love the Scots

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 05:29:25 PM

With apologies to Bobbi and all other Kiwis !



Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 05:35:44 PM
                                               
                                        Tips from the I.T. Dept.



1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.


Your friendly computer guy.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 06:54:16 PM


 This should really go into a recipe site.....



The following recipe for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.

Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Method
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rateexpression(see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 27, 2008, 08:39:42 PM
Hear No Evil, See No Evil...

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.

They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.

They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 27, 2008, 10:32:26 PM
Binks, this may be another example of divergence in the language.  Most of that recipe is familiar, but I use sodium chloride instead of halide.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 28, 2008, 05:44:18 PM
as long as it's iodised, that's the main thing  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 28, 2008, 06:40:01 PM
You mean you actually understood it ??  I'm impressed !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 28, 2008, 08:52:03 PM
Ever seen the chemical formula for zucchini? Enough to scare you off eating veggies ever again!
Recipe was cute, but reasonably easily decoded.
Funny though, thanks for posting it Binks.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 29, 2008, 12:11:52 AM
Try not to look at photo til you have read the scientific article!

 

 
 STRESS


I  am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The  picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
study on  stress levels at  the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical
Center in Burlington

Look  at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A  closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact
that  the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many
differences  between the two dolphins .

The  more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is
experiencing.

Look  at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you
may  need to take a vacation.

No  Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation


Never  take life seriously.

Nobody gets out of it alive anyway.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 29, 2008, 11:42:58 AM
I must be stressed out - the one on the right seems to be a different color from the one on the left.  Please excuse me while I go self-medicate - I think chocolate is a cure for stress.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 29, 2008, 08:02:04 PM
Birdy, got this email today at work and was going to respond to the person who sent it to me exactly as you did!!!!

Yep - the colour is different.  And apart from that?

Isn't the www.blah blah a wonderful thing  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 29, 2008, 08:36:38 PM
I'm not sure that's the right web address, geo --

However, to cheer myself up, I did find this little bit of humour:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road - Part Two...

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken2007< /B>(c), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ...reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 07:55:57 AM


(This only works if you pronounce his name to rhyme with "no" !)

                 Van Gogh


His dizzy aunt-----------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes-----------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
----Stop an Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia-------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle--------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother
----Ring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle----------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle----------------Flaming Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst---------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin-----------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
----- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew--------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco--------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who traveled the country in a van
-----Winnie Bay Gogh

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 07:59:04 AM



Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn. Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?

A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"

Wait for it...

Are you ready?...


Brace yourself...


This'll make your day...

>

>

>

>

>

>

... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 08:05:53 AM
Uh, oh ... that's getting reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly bad! But I did chuckle ... thanks, dear binks -- you're always good for a daily giggle here!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 31, 2008, 08:09:38 AM
...a loud chortle from me Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:24:26 AM

I do my best, dear friends.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 31, 2008, 08:40:36 AM
A very good best it is too, thanks. ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 08:41:06 AM
aye, me binx!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 31, 2008, 08:46:44 AM
I think a cocktail stick makes a great wooden stake! Lovely joke Binkie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 31, 2008, 10:30:26 AM
As a diehard Buffy fan, I would take umbrage if I weren't laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 31, 2008, 04:50:58 PM
Well, I'm coffee-snorting...again!  This is becoming dangerous early morning reading!!  Thanks Binks  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 31, 2008, 08:17:26 PM
testing for Binkie who's having trouble with this thread...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:43:30 PM
Nope....trying to post a copied joke....no luck
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:48:48 PM
          THIS IS RIDICULOUS !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:49:34 PM
I can post anything except what I want to !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:50:53 PM


I know that I said that I am an atheist, but I'm beginning to think that Someone up there doesn't like me.........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 09:00:01 PM
It might be easier to be an atheist until you need some supernatural help and the world starts crashing down over your head.

Stay strong, binks -- we're with you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 09:15:34 PM
Thank you Threeb, but I think events are conspiring to thwart me. I'm away to bed.....may the force be with you all !  :-Z :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 10:57:24 PM
Tata, binky-binks!

Hope you catch this one later!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 01, 2008, 01:52:36 PM
This could be me one day...

The senior stuntmen.wmv

On the other hand, maybe not - much too energetic for my style.

Hmm - not too sure that came through - may have to be cut-and-pasted - it worked when I cut and pasted it into an email.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 01, 2008, 01:57:57 PM
   
 What do you get when you cross a Rastafarian with a proctologist???












A Pokemon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 05:55:34 PM
Once again, I love it Binkie!  The petrol price board is painfully good too.  Are you guys also having ludicrously high increases every month?  A big chunk of the reason for our xenophobia is the soaring food prices linked to the petrol prices.  I heard on the news that for the first time there have been xenophobic attacks in Rome too.  People get desperate when faced with the fear of losing what little they have.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 06:16:29 PM
This is supposed to be genuine, from council records!
Here's a laugh - especially for the English teacher!


> > 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
> > fungus growing in it.
> >
> > 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
> > can't take it anymore.
> >
> > 3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
> >
> > 4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> > unsightly and dangerous.
> >
> > 5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt
> > my knob off.
> >
> > 6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my
> > fence.
> >
> > 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
> > I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
> >
> > 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
> >
> > 9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my
> > wife.
> >
> > 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
> > tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
> >
> > 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
> >
> > 12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a
> > third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
> >
> > 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
> >
> > 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
> > cleared.
> >
> > 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
> > and not fit to drink.
> >
> > 16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
> > wall.
> >
> > 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning
> > at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
> >
> > 18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he
> > put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
> >
> > 19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
> > plain filthy.
> >
> > 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
> > do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
> >
> > 21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
> >
> > 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still
> > have no satisfaction.
> >
> > 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
> > get BBC2.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 01, 2008, 09:15:03 PM
That was hilarious Toni, had me in stitches for ages..

I empathise with #1, 20 and 22.
I'd like to meet #2,4,9 and 17. :-R
Feel distraught for #5. :'(
Have some good advice for #6. >:(
A cure for #7 and 15.
#11 and 13 don't apply often.... :o

The rest i couldn't possibly comment on... :-X
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 09:45:46 PM
You had me laughing all over again as I checked out your comments!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 01, 2008, 09:57:33 PM
Had my sides splitting for an early-morning laugh, toni! Coffee shooting through the nose! Brilliant!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 02, 2008, 12:53:49 AM
I can't imagine what you found so funny Toni.... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 02, 2008, 01:13:43 AM
No T, I am sure your sweet, unsullied mind would not leap to any rude meanings!!  ;D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 02, 2008, 01:20:31 AM
Well I must stop now and go and smarten up.  I'm off to dinner with one of my Korean families.  Should be interesting and maybe I'll be lucky and eat sushi (yummy!) on the other hand their food is often very hot and I have Birdie's chili cookout going through my head.  If you don't hear from me for a few days you will all understand why! :-H
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 02, 2008, 08:13:11 PM
Have we had this one before, I've seen it many times, but it always makes me laugh

Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.   -  8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:   -  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.   -  Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.   -  Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   -  Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK   -  $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!   -  Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .   -  Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:   -  Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 02, 2008, 08:39:59 PM
Those are so cool, bobbi -- like many of the other entries, when taken from real reports/people (like that classic about excuses why persons had vehicular accidents) are usually funnier than any made-up jokes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 02, 2008, 11:43:51 PM
Haven't seen that one before - very good!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 03, 2008, 07:48:57 AM


                                      How to be politically correct with women



She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 03, 2008, 08:23:56 PM
Priestly Persuasion...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. " The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 04, 2008, 06:43:12 PM
Although EVERYONE the majority some on the forum are young and spry and carefree, just remember .... someday, someday soon tomorrow or the next day -- things will change!

We're All Getting Older

- I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts 'till 8 pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're
saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and
over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as
mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental
care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children,
politicians.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like ... uh ....

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's,
AARP.

- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-
inflammatory.

- I'm supporting all movements now ... by eating bran, prunes and
raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the
storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

- Do I have Alzheimer's? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 04, 2008, 06:47:55 PM

That, Threeb, my friend, is what you'd call a bittersweet list !  I laughed, all right, but with the occasional wince of painful recognition!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 04, 2008, 07:16:19 PM
Me three, binx!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 04, 2008, 10:52:15 PM
yes, but I'll never admit it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 05, 2008, 04:58:27 AM
Sorry but i cannot relate to any of that at all......so bloody there!!!!!





[it's because i can't remember any of it....  :'(  :'(  :'( ]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 05, 2008, 06:05:39 AM



These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is ..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________ _________ _______ ____________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?
( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion?
( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 05, 2008, 07:18:32 AM
I always get a laugh out of those ones Binkie.  I particularly like the one about the Koala bears dropping out of trees.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 09:23:30 AM
Those really were great, kid! Thanks for all the chuckles!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 01:29:42 PM
Honest Harry's New And Used Horses

I can save you money on gas!
Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.00 (or more)
for gas? No problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no
gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will
do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose
from the following models:

1. TRAIL HORSE - Your average run around town animal. Has the
energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best
way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. THE ARABIAN - perfect for those who travel long distances in a
day and try to multi-task while driving. Although the Arabian
may not go to your home or office without specific instruction,
it WILL go somewhere.

3. THE DRAFT - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the
whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines,
this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more
expensive than the compact model.

4. THE WESTERN PLEASURE - The right car for the high-end white
collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more
special knowledge so only the best can figure this one out. Be
sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic,
you just won't be getting anywhere fast.

5. THE PARELLI - Salesmen, stay-at-home moms, and high school kids
will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping
Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit,
and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.

6. THE RANCH - The most dependable animal available. He will go
where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate.
You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you
get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered
to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick
by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay,
black). Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino)
and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available
(overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).

No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are
available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 05, 2008, 04:59:00 PM
Oh Binkie, another coffee-snorting morning!  Thanks!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 10:03:20 PM
This is so hokey, but I couldn't resist:

New Game

The longshoremen in Southampton, England, have developed a variant
on their favorite game, Cricket.

The object of the game is not just to hit the ball with the bat,
but also to get it to hit, or, better still, to land in, one of
the many smokestacks in the port. Of course the game is called...
"Chimney Cricket."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 08:29:33 AM
 

                                                  All-Purpose Excuse Form Letter


All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've got in to. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 08:49:30 AM


BY DAVE BARRY  ( columnist for Miami Herald )


I have here a shocking letter from a person named ''Julia,'' who openly admits to being a woman. It concerns laundry.

As you men know, laundry is a key area in which we have long enjoyed a tactical advantage over women, thanks to the fact that, through a combination of genetics, evolution, instinct and plain old good fortune, we are pigs.

A man can live happily in a confined space with a mass of unwashed garments so funky that his shirts wrap their sleeves around his ankles as he walks past, hoping he will drag them to a laundromat; and his undershorts, which have developed primitive bacterial feet, crawl around and arrange themselves on the floor to form the words FOR GOD'S SAKE WASH US. Every year, thousands of pedestrians collapse while walking past male-occupied college dormitories, overcome by sock fumes.

So in most relationships, women wind up doing the laundry. To compensate, we men assume full responsibility for more masculine, but equally necessary, household tasks, such as making sure that the TV channel is changed regularly.

Unfortunately, the traditional division of labor is now threatened by this avowed woman, Julia. In her letter, she reveals that she has developed a shocking tactic, a tactic that threatens to undermine the very fabric that underlies the foundation for the infrastructure of our way of life as we know it in terms of metaphors. This tactic is so disgusting that, to prevent young readers from being exposed to it, I am going to use a secret code to tell you how ''Julia'' gets her husband to do laundry:

She uses S-E-X.

''I tell him it gets me hot,'' she writes. ``Every time I need laundry done, I put my arms around him and tell him how excited I get just watching him. I tell him if he folds it and puts it away, I am beside myself. I make love to him right by the washing machine. I have found that he folds laundry better than I do.''

Men, we must ask ourselves: What if other women start using their wiles this way? Would it work? Are we, as a gender, so easily manipulated, so mindlessly lust-crazed?

We most certainly are. A man will do pretty much any idiot thing if he thinks it gives him a shot at a woman's wiles. I am not proud of this, but once, in my younger days, at a party, I leaped, fully clothed, from a house roof into a swimming pool that was not really all that close to the house, risking serious injury or death, because I truly believed that a specific woman at the party would be impressed and therefore want to bear my children.

Q. Did it work?

A. Of course not. No sane woman is going to knowingly perpetuate roof-jumping genes.

Q. Would you have done her laundry?

A. I would have drunk her fabric softener.

And that is my point, men. ''Julia'' has unleashed a nuclear device in the housework wars. If her tactic catches on, we could see a day when men are not only doing the laundry, but also performing other traditionally feminine household tasks, such as: remembering the children's birthdays; purging the refrigerator of Chinese food purchased during the Clinton administration; lighting big fat candles that make the house smell as though a fruit truck has crashed in the family room; remembering to flush all the toilets before company arrives; decorating the guest-room bed in such a way that guests are afraid to go near it; and remembering the children's names.

Yes, men, we could wind up like some of the more pathetic males in the animal kingdom, such as 1) the male praying mantis, who allows the female praying mantis, during the mating act, to bite off his head and 2) the male spotted whipfish, which consummates his courtship ritual with the female spotted whipfish by watching a video of ''The Sound of Music'' DURING THE SUPER BOWL.

Is that what we want, men? Are we willing to trade our independence -- and, yes, our dignity -- for a few seconds (let's be honest, men) of cheap physical gratification? Are we that weak, that pathetic, that STUPID?

Let's remember to hand-wash those delicates.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 09:07:55 AM
I LOVE Dave Barry ... and that other one about the excuses was just brilliant, too, Binks! I think I can confidently speak not only for myself here, but EVERYONE: You always brighten up all our days, mate!

Thanks for being your wonderful little self!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 10:11:38 AM


Thank you for those kind words, Threeb. I hope you realise that it is utter torture for me, having to plough through all these ghastly humour pages, simply to find a few crumbs to offer to you all. Sigh. It is a far, far better thing I do...........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 06, 2008, 10:15:00 AM
I want you to know, Binkie, that we appreciate your sacrifices.  The struggles, the agony, the effort you put in to lighten our days is an inspiration to us all.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 10:19:35 AM

WHAT HAVE I DONE ?

Oh my dear heavens.......I have really discovered Dave Barry now. Not only that, but I have unearthed years and years of archived columns! It's all simply too much for one forumate to shoulder alone. I'm sorry dear friends, but you will have to investigate his columns by yourselves. I haven't the time to post them ( or do any washing, cooking, gardening etc) because I'm too busy reading them.
In the meantime, just one more!

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,

Quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
Water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those

Unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
Jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much The MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy victims. Then I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
Hospital garments designed by sadistic perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 11:44:02 AM
I chortled, cackled, screamed and spewed (pardon me!), howled and rolled around in gasping spasms, with tears streaming down my face and cracking three ribs at this story, binks! A true classic! The smile was frozen on my face for hours afterward. Unbloodybelievable!

It was made even more intense by the fact that I actually have had one of those (sorry for telling) and could COMPLETELY relate!

If you never post another thing, binks, this is truly one for the ages!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 06, 2008, 12:42:11 PM
I loved it!!!  Best laugh for a little while.  I have one of these every few years and know exactly what he means.  The preparation for the event is far worse than the event itself.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 12:51:51 PM

Isn't it wonderful ? I've never experienced it, but my husband has, and the two of us were completely helpless . I tried to read it to him at first, and couldn't see for the tears of laughter. I had to let him read it for himself !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 06, 2008, 01:37:20 PM
I passed this on to a friend who will be having one in the near future.  And yes, Threeb, I can relate too - I remember it well... well, right up to the point when they put me out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 02:15:55 PM


OK,OK, I know I said you had to do this for yourselves (look up Dave Barry, I mean), but this is so priceless I'd hate you to miss it. (I read this when I was on my own, and I still laughed till I cried. Then again, maybe that's just me.)


                                              How to remove a dead whale                                                     
                                                                               
 The Farside comes to life in Oregon.                                           
                                                                               
 I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on         
 videotape.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent       
 a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that   
 washed up on the beach.  The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass     
 was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory     
 that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
 So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making 
 this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the       
 whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls,     
 and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.                             
                                                                               
 So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite     
 next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of                 
 understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most     
 wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale       
 carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy 
 spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone       
 changes. You hear a new sound like "splud."  You hear a woman's voice         
 shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.     
                                                                               
 Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave
 way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere."   
 One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile     
 away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of   
 condominium units.  There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt         
 permanently relocated to Brazil.                                               
                                                                               
 This is a very sobering videotape.  Here at the institute we watch it often,   
 especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety.  This is a time to     
 get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them,       
 when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the     
 US Capitol.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 03:52:19 PM


And if you don't believe me......here's the video...

http://www.perp.com/whale/video.html


Apologies to all US forumates, to whom this may be a very oft-told tale!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 06, 2008, 05:30:05 PM
Oh Binkie, that was brilliant!  I laughed till I cried with all of them.  I have actually seen the whale video and reading about it again  brought it all back.  Thanks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 09:16:29 PM
Wow -- that's a new one on me! Exploding blubber -- truly surreal, weird and wild -- but I still like the colonoscopy better.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 07, 2008, 02:30:12 AM
Oh those experts....
How dull our lives would be without them....

Bloody hilarious....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 07, 2008, 11:48:30 PM
I'd heard about the exploding whale but not seen the video - so thanks for enriching my experience.  I think I'm glad to have seen the video rather than being there for the event - some things are so much better from a distance!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 08, 2008, 02:01:32 AM
I would like to add 2 words that exempify that theory Birdy...

Work

Kids
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 07:32:16 AM

                WARNING........bad pun ahead.


A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 07:39:44 AM
VERY bad pun, but still gave me a good laugh .. oh, those groaners!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 08:16:16 AM


I do have a weakness for silly wordplay, don't you?  Which reminds me of the terrible one about the aristocrat in the French Revolution. Count d'Orsay was believed to know the whereabouts of many other noblemen, and was being tortured in order to confess.  Eventually, the executioner, growing tired of waiting, sprang forward and beheaded him.
 "Fool!" screamed the interrogator. " Do you not remember the saying...don't hatchet your counts before they've chickened ?"



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 09:48:24 AM
Just as baaaaaaaaaad as the other one, binks! No matter, keep 'em comin' anyway!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 11:50:12 AM


One of our more common sayings originates from earlier times, when ladies wore floor-length, voluminous skirts. Answering a call of nature could be quite awkward, and so most women had loops attached to the hems of their dresses. These could be used to lift the skirts, thus avoiding accidents.

The practice gave rise, of course, to the saying....."Loop before you leak "   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 01:02:56 PM
Okay, okay, binks -- I give up!  ;D ;D ;D

Where do you come up with this stuff?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 01:16:32 PM

From the rag-bag that I laughingly call my brain !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 01:25:53 PM
You are amazing, binks! What a wonderful grandma you must be. I hope those children realize what a little treasure you are! Although I venture to say you probably think likewise about them! 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 03:28:06 PM
You are so good for my ego, Threeb! Yes, of course, I think they're the brightest, smartest and most beautiful children ever.
Still on the subject of silly stories, I must confess that, although they're a favourite family pastime, we certainly didn't originate them. I don't know who did, but as a family, we were addicted to a radio programme called "My Word". There were all kinds of questions and quizzes about words, but the highlight of each programme was when the 2 resident comic writers, Frank Muir and Dennis Norden, were asked for their explanation of how particular phrases, proverbs, song titles, etc, came into being. They were given the phrase or whatever, at the beginning of the programme, and at the end they provided their hilarious accounts. Absolutely brilliant......one of my favourites was Frank Muir's account of his pet bee. He lived in a high-rise apartment, but had a window box. After filling it with flowers, his bee fed and thrived. When asked how his bee did so well, he would reply........"My bee eats because I'm a landowner" (Original song title....."Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner" ! )
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 03:39:29 PM


Oh my, oh dear, oh heavens ! I just happened to check who was on line, and who was doing what (as you do ) and I discovered that I was "collapsing a category" ! I am so terribly, terribly sorry to the category and its nearest and dearest. I swear that I had no such intention, and that it was a truly accidental action on my part.
Thinks...........how do you collapse a category, and what happens afterwards ? Does said category sink noiselessly and gracefully to the ground, expiring in a puff of lavender smoke ? Or does it (heaven forbid ) crash, writhing in unspeakable anguish, suffering the torments of the damned ?  I NEED TO KNOW !

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 08, 2008, 03:48:52 PM
My Word: My personal favourite was supercalafragalisticexpialedocious (sp??). Frank Muir I think it was? Anyway, he narrated this long tale about his wife going away for a week. And he had to remember a shopping list of things to get before she returned: soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, pea, halitosis. Naturally the narrative that provided the rationale for this list was hilarious! Particularly the last bit about mistaking garlic powder for salt, sprinkling it liberally on everything he ate, and noticing the varnish on the front door peeling when he opened it to a salesman, so bad was his garlic breath.

We still get repeats regularly on national radio here. Still as popular as ever! My music too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 04:22:31 PM
I rememeber it well, Bobbi....in fact I was trying to recall that exact episode, but I couldn't remember what came after fridge elastic !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 08, 2008, 05:22:55 PM
Oh yes, we used to get it on our radios when I was young.  I also loved it.  Binkie, I'm sure you love the What-a-Mess books by Frank Muir too.  Are your little ones old enough for them yet? 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 09:45:49 PM
I'm ashamed to say, Toni, that I'd completely forgotten What-a-Mess. They were about his Afghan hound, weren't they ? I shall rectify the omission instantly. Thank you for the reminder !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 10:08:03 PM
Well, that was a wonderful memory I never had, mates -- either it didn't exist here at all, or by some crazy quirk I missed it! Sounds lovely. Maybe there's something on the web I can find out about it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:11:43 PM
I doubt that the programme made it to the States, Threeb.....do radio programmes ever do ? Maybe some of Frank Muir's writings would be at your local library, though I wouldn't hold my breath!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:12:52 PM
I think I'm far too young to remember it!  I did love Frank Muir though esp. on 'Call My Bluff'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:14:12 PM
Thanks for making me remember my extreme age, Linda dear !
If you're interested, Wikipedia has a starting point....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Muir
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:15:08 PM
Always happy to spread a little joy, Binx!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 08, 2008, 10:19:22 PM
hree men were hiking through a forest when they
> came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to
> the other side, the first man prayed:
>
> 'God, please give me the strength to cross the
> river.'
> Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and
> he was able to swim
> across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
> twice.
>
> After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
> 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross
> the river'
> Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and
> strong legs and he
> was able to row across in about an hour after
> almost capsizing once.
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the
> third man prayed: 'God,
> please give me the strength, the tools and the
> intelligence to cross the
> river'
> Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked
> the map, hiked one
> hundred yards up stream and walked across the
> bridge.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:20:00 PM
You do, dear, you do ! (As long as that's all you spread, if you'll pardon the expression)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 10:21:17 PM
Now I'm really upset we didn't get it -- sounded like a hoot!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:22:07 PM
 :D :D :D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:23:08 PM
You'd have loved it Threeb....everything we adore....word games, utter insanity and amazing cleverness with language. Sorry it passed you by !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 09, 2008, 08:36:43 AM

Someone sent me this today. It's not exactly humorous, but it struck a chord with me. Maybe it will with somebody else !

                                                              Aprons



I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears .

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 09, 2008, 09:00:59 AM
Amazing how many of those images are set in my mind from those old bygone days! Thanks for the memories!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 09, 2008, 09:27:23 AM


I have a nasty feeling that we may just be getting (whisper it ) older !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 09, 2008, 10:14:17 AM
No, we're just accumulating a lot more memories!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 09, 2008, 08:27:52 PM
Nice one Toni - bridge joke - great, if not so politically correct joke.
Poor men in New Zealand are feeling completely emasculated. The five most powerful positions in the country are held by women (e.g. Prime Minister, Chief Justice etc.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 09, 2008, 09:26:20 PM
Shame, poor little souls with their fragile egos!  Not that I don't love them and I really don't want them emasculated, but in the long run it must surely do them good to see how it has felt on our side of the fence through all the ages.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 10, 2008, 09:14:17 AM
                                                         

                                                    A Brief History of Time


> 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen
and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for
all times.

> 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes
the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

> 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally
gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse
the hell out of scientists for centuries.

> 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced
by Babylonian scientists.

> 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

> 776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing
the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

> 525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games,
except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the
women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

> 410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus
removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

> 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because
neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

> 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the
1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep
the neighbor's dog out.

> 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what
to call next year.

> 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate
investment.

> 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the
natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded
history.

> 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

> 1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that
mmediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

> 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to sole
the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on
MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

> 1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with
the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is
permitted to continue for only 600 years.

> 1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight
to buy IBM or Xerox.

> 1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a
small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot
of evil!

> 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death
sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

> 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming
the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

> 1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to reach the new world,
but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of
Vespuccia!

> 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,
but he still refuses to wash the windows.

> 1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age
trying to remember where it was he found it.

> 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it
all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

> 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills
another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

> 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit
Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

> 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh,
but allow his tobacco plants to live.

> 1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in
America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a
liberal arts education.

> 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden
anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

> 1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing
young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

> 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation,
which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they
can expect from here on out.

> 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

> 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the
Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just
about average for a Saturday Night.

> 1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric",
noting that no one added cream.

> 1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American
Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

> 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and
then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

> 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette
ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing
she ever said.

> 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that
Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses,  How are you?
I am fine."

 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

> 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with
his torpedo.

> 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of
New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War
of 1812 is over.

> 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that
the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few
can disagree with it.

> 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets
quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without
winning.

> 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general
plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

> 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General
Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

> 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it
except the movie critics.

> 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow
to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most
of them want to get there.

> 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old
ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

> 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected
all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

> 1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money
back.

> 1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the
U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

> 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the
parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

> 1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every
garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots
and garages.

> 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't
discovered until 1938.

> 1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with
the mustache never came back to finish his work.

> 1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a
thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

> 1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie
theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the
movie either.

> 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches,
Ralph Nader is born.

> 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all
possibility of WWII.

> 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won
the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 10, 2008, 10:52:16 AM
That was so cute, Binx -- I had so many chuckles, it would be hard to name all the items -- pretty much all, really!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 10, 2008, 04:49:25 PM
Ja, it was really good, tho some of the chuckles were sad ones!  Made me think of an hilarious book called "1066 and All That"  Anyone read it?  It was pretty old when I read it, more my parents' generation, but SO funny.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 10, 2008, 06:15:55 PM

I remember it well, Toni! I just Googled (where would we be without it ?) and I was amazed to learn that it was first published in 1930 !
I think the authors were way ahead of their time. There are definite Monty Python overtones.....e.g."Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once". That's the only line I remember, apart from Good Kings and Bad Kings.
I shall have to try to get hold of a copy, just to see if it's as funny as I remember.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 11, 2008, 02:36:43 AM
yes, I remember it well - and I think there was a sequel - was it called "And Now All This"?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 11, 2008, 04:10:39 PM
I don't think I ever saw the sequel, but I'd also love to get hols of the first and see if it's still funny.  Sometimes things have just got too dated and I feel as tho I've lost a friend.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 04:56:47 PM
 The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

  The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the

  job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

  After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  'OK, so
  how many sales did you make today?'

  The Aussie said 'One!'

  The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20
  or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?'

  £124,237.64

  The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you
  sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and             
then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going       
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,   
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took him
down  to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

"No no no.....he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend"
  and I said........."Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might just
  as well go fishing."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 04:59:10 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said, 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.' In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 12, 2008, 06:20:52 PM
My sentiments presactly!!  And what a load of rot is talked about drinking 'units' ... as Inspector Morse said, "I drink pints; not units."

Some more quotes for us wine lovers  .....  (a connoisseur of fine wines; a grape nut)


"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food!!"

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance

Drink wine, and you will sleep well. Sleep, and you will not sin. Avoid sin, and you will be saved. Ergo, drink wine and be saved.

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-Winston Churchill   >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 08:41:34 PM
Lovely!  ;D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 12, 2008, 10:46:31 PM
Fab joke Toni....really funny...
...and LL, i love the wine quotes...i may just have to try out a few later and see if they're true.. :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 12, 2008, 10:47:39 PM
Me too ... just for the sake of research, natch!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 13, 2008, 12:05:36 AM
Those were really funny, toni!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 14, 2008, 07:58:32 AM


I think you'll enjoy this little series about the olympics.......

http://www.seriesflash.com/n/humor_olimpics/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 08:41:29 AM
That was really so entertaining! Can't wait to see how many of those mishaps happen in Beijing, binkie!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 01:46:31 PM


Top Ten Signs an N.B(asketball).A. Game Is Fixed:

10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win

-David Letterman
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 14, 2008, 09:48:57 PM
The Olympic thing was hilarious...
I can't wait to have them on my doorstep in 2012....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 10:18:59 PM
What a treat THAT will be! I must start thinking about my trip ... would be the perfect opportunity to visit the old sod! (Not that you're the old sod!  >:D) See you and Linda and maybe even Jane ... hope we're all still around.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 15, 2008, 07:52:40 AM
Thought for the day......


Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
  - Robertson Davies
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 15, 2008, 09:57:48 AM
...and on that cheery note....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:21:16 PM
Here's a coupla cute ones for ya, mates:

"Isn’t That How It Was Always Done?"

A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, "I've always done it that way - that's how Grandma did it."

Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her Grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it.

Grandma thought for a while and replied, "I don't know. My mother always did it that way."

So the little girl and the Grandma went to visit Great Grandma to find ask if she knew the answer.

Her Great Grandma thought for a while and said, “Because, in my day, we had only a small kitchen, and my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish.”




"In The Land Of The Blind..."

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A store's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it takes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it !'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he couldn't know that she was the only person around.

But the man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you just tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 16, 2008, 09:27:52 PM
Ugh ... I was just eating my lunch!!  :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:41:54 PM
Ooops, again!

Twice in 10 minutes I've upset upset you, LL. Neither was intended (although the joke WAS funny!) -- sorry!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 16, 2008, 09:44:06 PM
Just as well I'm not an over-sensitive hag!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:47:32 PM
 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 12:09:28 PM
   How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb ?


These are the answers from dogs when asked  :

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Sheepdog: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 12:52:17 PM
What a hilarious joke, binks -- that really nails the breeds, yeah?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 03:14:08 PM

Once again, I've probably alienated half the forum !  >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 17, 2008, 04:17:01 PM
Well I loved it!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 17, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
Haven't offended me - one of mine is a Border Collie.  Uuum might have a talk to him about rewiring the house.  Think of the savings!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 04:19:41 PM
You can be my bestest fwiend, Toni !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 04:20:54 PM
If I ever have a dog again, it would be a Border Collie......brilliant canines !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 09:51:10 PM
Absolutely -- they're my top A-1 favorite #1 breed!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 17, 2008, 10:25:36 PM
Yes, but such high maintenance/energy - they need to be kept busy or they can be very destructive.  And that busy includes activities that make them think.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 10:44:04 PM
I'd say most of them can outsmart us as well quite often. Plus they're so good-natured and eager, you just have to love their enthusiasm and spunk.

My favorite part is when they give the sheep "the eye" -- it's as if they're communicating soundlessly like a hypnotist, saying "Do as I command!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 18, 2008, 04:08:10 AM
I love watching 'One Man and His Dog'...fab programme - especially when the dogs don't do as whistled at...  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 18, 2008, 01:06:06 PM
Wish we had that one here -- sounds like a hoot, mon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 04:40:39 PM

This will undoubtedly mean more to my Aussie forumates !

On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days
off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands
when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen
noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a QLD jersey,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing N.S.W tops
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the QLD fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with
the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic
calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,
'I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people
of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a
truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model
for other nations.' She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, 'Who was that?!'

'That,' one answered, 'was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows
everything about our country.'

'Well,' the harpoonist replied, 'she knows stuff all about shark fishing.

How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?'

GO THE BLUES!!!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 18, 2008, 04:44:25 PM
Oh how wicked!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 05:32:20 PM

Couldn't resist showing you this....just hope it's large enough to read.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: perdita on June 18, 2008, 07:26:48 PM
You could eat so much more with one of these!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 09:44:20 PM

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 20, 2008, 09:54:57 AM

http://merkey.net/beginning/


http://www.exactcenteroftheinternet.com/thankyou.htm


http://n.ethz.ch/student/stadleja/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 20, 2008, 02:34:16 PM
Wow - that was a fast trip through the Internet.  And all those people told me that once I got the 'net, I'd be trapped and never get away from the computer!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 20, 2008, 03:35:04 PM


I've always been in favour of the concise !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 20, 2008, 09:06:33 PM
I greatly fear that whoever did that, funny as it was, really ought to get a life...or a proper job!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 21, 2008, 11:53:12 PM

Political correctness gone mad, don't you think ?


"Brainstorming has undoubtedly generated some bolts of brilliance and flashes of inspiration over the years.
But in genteel Tunbridge Wells, the council decided it might lead to the traditionally Disgusted residents of the town becoming Offended as well.
So now the expression brainstorming has been banned. And in future, meetings to generate new ideas will be referred to as 'thought showers'."

(This Is London...21/6/08)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 22, 2008, 07:57:08 AM
                                             New Product Announcement


Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 22, 2008, 07:33:19 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........

You got nice house.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 23, 2008, 05:08:36 PM
Thanks Binkie and Bobbi, I sent both of those on.  My friend Di, who is head of one of our Girls' Junior Schools will love the book one.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 23, 2008, 08:10:48 PM
Bobbi...loved that joke.... :laugh:  :laugh:   :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 23, 2008, 09:43:33 PM
That was a good one, bobbi -- thanks for the chuckle!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 24, 2008, 11:53:56 AM
I thought this would be nice follow-up to toni's recent getaway, but through a child's eyes!

Children On The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't
have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the
sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
they would have been better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
tails. But how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and
my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to
write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the
sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water
fired right up her fat behind.
(Julie age 7)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 24, 2008, 04:59:37 PM
Oh man! that was so cute.  I love kids unintentional humour.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 24, 2008, 06:03:57 PM

Oh that was really lovely, Threeb. Thank you for some innocent laughs !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 24, 2008, 06:24:01 PM


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'            So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

<>
I used to like Eric.............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 24, 2008, 07:13:41 PM

Wonderful, Toni......though you should have given him a quick thump with a piece of 2 by 4 !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 24, 2008, 09:28:02 PM
Sounds just like my younger son -- he'd just roll his eyes at me and then quietly shut the door to his room.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 25, 2008, 04:53:18 AM
A clip round the lugs is in order i think!!!
But good for him for fixing it...Have a chat with him about the photos??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 25, 2008, 08:45:58 AM
   
                                  Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 25, 2008, 06:36:29 PM


I hope that this won't offend Bobbi or any other New Zealand forumates. It's all intended affectionately !

A MEDGEN Visualise, Conjure up mentally, also John Lenon's first solo Album"Imagine"
BRIST Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
RUST Part of the human anatomy between the "Fingers" and the "Elbow"
FUSHEN CHUPS What good Catholics eat each Friday.
CHULLY BUN "Chilly Bin" also known as an Esky or Cold Box
ERROR BUCK Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" &"Libernon"
CHICK OUT CHUCKS Supermarket point of sale operators.
ERROR ROUTE Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the billy"
BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and "Libinon"
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour
SENDELS: Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR: Terminator, murderer.
CUSS: Pursing & thun metting of lups
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "ruggertony"
Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Peck - I'm packing a suitcase
Pissed aside - Chemical which terminates insects
Pigs - Hang out washing with
Pump - To act as agent for prostitute
Pug - Large animal
Nin tin dough - Computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - Male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
Mckennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - To leave
Kiri Pecker - Famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - Potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jungle bills - Xmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Fush - marine creatures
Ever cardeau - Avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 25, 2008, 08:53:33 PM
yup, that's pretty much what we sound like  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:19:46 AM

And there's nothing wrong with that, either !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:24:38 AM

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

After they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night- ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Moral to this story.........

There are teachers.......and then there are Educators.......


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:34:45 AM
Hilarious.....

Back to the boyfriend thing I would settle for 4 out of that lot - but for the moment could i have Ace of Hearts...just till Christmas....  :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:36:42 AM

Sorry...I bagged him first !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:40:27 AM
Bog off...you've got one at home already.....greedy mare!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:43:53 AM

Oh, charming !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:44:51 AM
It's costing me a bloody fortune in batteries!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:47:03 AM

Please, please spare me the details !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:57:03 AM
I wasn't going to give you the details, but now that you bring it up [to coin a phrase]...it's


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 07:22:36 AM

STOP ! I beg of you....please stop!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on June 27, 2008, 06:52:14 AM
"Splutter, splutter" TMI !!!!
Was definately thinking of coming round next month but not so sure now!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 27, 2008, 09:10:38 AM
... be careful what you wish for -- etc, etc, etc!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 27, 2008, 09:41:00 AM
"NEW YORK—In a press release Tuesday, Viacom executives announced their newest hour-long VH1 Celebreality program, Knight Life, with former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, has been canceled for failing to reach the wretched depths of the network's low standards. "Despite some really excellent footage of Christopher vomiting into his hot tub, Knight Life was just not pitiful enough to meet our audience's expectations," Viacom president and CEO Philippe Dauman said of the show, which only featured three unsuccessful attempts to hit on strippers, two drunken brawls, and a single midget. "Unfortunately, the program lacked the petty and reprehensible acts that demean all humanity and make for good, compelling television." Dauman added that VH1 would consider bringing the show back if Knight were to become so distraught by the cancellation that he had to be hospitalized for an unsuccessful suicide attempt."

From "theonion.com"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 27, 2008, 03:07:39 PM
Love it!  I am SO sick of the plethora of TV programmes that seem to exist on nastiness.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 27, 2008, 09:00:09 PM
There is a group of shows that portray reality but don't indulge in too much in that kind of belittlement: Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, Ax Men, Black Gold (about drilling for oil) and several others which show how hard some people must work to earn a living (albeit well-compensated). It's high drama, fraught with danger. They do show the mistakes people make that can be deadly, but it's not all about just making people look stupid!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 27, 2008, 09:30:00 PM
Jane, i don't leave it laying around the house....it is tucked away very discreetly in my pull along suitcase that goes with me everywhere.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 12:05:23 AM


   THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Anaesthetist

4. Cinnamon

5. Chrysanthemum




THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition

3. Anti-constitutionalistically

4. Transubstantiate

5. Sphygmomanometer




THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

02. Nope, no more booze for me.

03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

04. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

07. I'm not interested in fighting you.

08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 12:57:18 AM
That was hilarious! Can't hardly say most of them when sober, either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 01:07:14 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 12:41:47 PM
THE VALUE OF DRINK

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.  
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 12:51:11 PM
Very profound, hic, bobbi!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 01:00:33 PM
Unfortunately, I have bronchitis (haven't been ill for years - this studying lark demonstrates the relationship between stress and the immune system.) So I'm taking antibiotics and not drinking anything remotely alcoholic.

Can't think why I let myself get so stressed out - have just racked up my third A grade for a paper this semester. Managed a B+ for the fourth. Grades in New Zealand Unis range from A to C, similar to 1st, 2nd and 3rd class passes at UK Unis. So I'm doing just fine. Will post my intern experiences in my thread. While it was great, it wasn't exactly funny.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 07:25:21 PM


                                                           Daily Affirmations

 

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 09:16:51 PM
Brilliant Binkie

Inspiration for every occasion  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 09:25:56 PM
Classic stuff, kiddo! I'll copy it over and hang it on the wall behind my desk -- in heavy 40-size font!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 10:02:08 PM
PS -- I just noticed a "guest" was already printing the topic! How eerie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 02:47:55 AM
I shall stick that up in my office.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 30, 2008, 06:23:31 AM


A guest printing it ? Most sinister !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 07:52:39 AM
I wonder if he was a welcome or unwelcome one -- furtive, to say the least!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 07:58:44 AM
i think there is something furtive about all the 'guests' who read our diatribes [and quite frankly tosh on numerous occasions]...eavesdroppers, stalkers, spies, etc... and don't join in!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 08:02:40 AM
... lurkers, skulkers and peekers ...

or are they just terribly shy????  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 08:07:00 AM
I wish they would come and tell us....

Mind you..lots of us lurked before we joined in. Just shy then-or they have 'normal' lives and don't feel the need for a virtual one!!!

I'm off to bed now mates...catch up again soon..  :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 08:21:20 AM
It would be nice if they did ...

Nitey-nite, T! Sweet dreams, then!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 02, 2008, 05:13:43 PM


                                               Men and women are not alike.


Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

HATS:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GOING OUT:

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters.....

GARAGES:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES:

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."

JEWELRY:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

NUDITY IN MOVIES:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LOCKER ROOMS:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

PLANTS:

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

MOUSTACHES:

Some men look good with moustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with moustaches.

NICKNAMES:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on July 02, 2008, 05:39:27 PM
Fantastic!!! Especially the one about the cats...soooo true !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 02, 2008, 05:44:44 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 02, 2008, 06:26:05 PM
Hmm...not sure I'm married to a man. He loves cats and is the only member of the family able to keep potplants alive!  ??? ???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 02, 2008, 06:42:37 PM

I suppose there's always an exception to the rule !  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 02, 2008, 09:46:28 PM
... oh, you must mean pot-ted plants, eh, bobbi!  :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 02, 2008, 09:50:37 PM
Is that what they mean by potherbs, Threeb?

And Binkie, the exception is the one that proves the rule.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 02, 2008, 09:57:07 PM
I do believe you're onto something there, birdy!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 02, 2008, 10:06:52 PM
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for ?"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 02, 2008, 10:09:55 PM
(http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 02, 2008, 10:58:37 PM
Translating Teacher-Speak

What the teacher says,
(What she means)

Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test)

Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes)

Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending
fact with fiction!
(Definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met)

Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term)

Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away)

Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working)

Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public
discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an
assignment she creates a class argument)

John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully)

An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(He was caught skipping school at the fishing pond)

I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers)

Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide)

I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would
be enhanced through a repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade)

Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(Her mouth never stops yakking)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 04, 2008, 07:57:11 AM


                                                      Guy Quiz

                                Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guy Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score:  Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 04, 2008, 09:29:40 AM
That was superb, binks!

The part about hugging and pounding hard enough to cause fractures ... and about asking directions were funniest!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 04, 2008, 10:12:22 AM
I thought it was very funny, too. I wish I'd written all these !  I have no idea who does, because most of them are without any..........what's the word ? I've lost the word ! OMG I CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORD I WANT !  It's the start of the downward slide into mumbling incoherence ! Heeeeeelp !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 04, 2008, 01:08:58 PM
attribution?? signature??

no, you're not losing your mind! at least not all at once!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 04, 2008, 02:08:51 PM

Attribution - thank you, Threeb ! Don't you hate it when a word suddenly drops off the radar ?  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 04, 2008, 02:11:37 PM
I can certainly elate later alter relate ...  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 04, 2008, 02:18:28 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 04, 2008, 09:38:47 PM
Thanks for all the laughs!  I have been horrible busy and not been able to do much online the last couple of days.  Now I'm feeling all laughed out.  Hilarious!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 06, 2008, 09:52:49 AM

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?






Depends how thinly you slice them.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 06, 2008, 10:02:51 AM

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast -

But did you know that:

660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 06, 2008, 05:19:39 PM
Oh Binkie, where do you find them?  They were both hilarious.  I copied the Beast and sent it on tomy kids and a bunch of friends who will appreciate it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 06, 2008, 07:04:54 PM

Well, Toni.... I work my poor little fingers to the bone, sifting through mountains of dross, simply to find a tiny nugget or two. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it !  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 06, 2008, 10:35:38 PM
 Keep this in mind the next time you are about to  repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 -  399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an  acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what  I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates  replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's  called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the  acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to  me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to  say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell  me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about  it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true  or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to  tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary  ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about  him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a  little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test  though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to  tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not  really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is  neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The  man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.   
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 07, 2008, 11:15:31 PM
I like that very much.....brilliant  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 07, 2008, 11:51:39 PM
This is a true story ... or is it???  ;D

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' Gonzales said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 08, 2008, 07:01:34 AM
 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 08, 2008, 04:40:52 PM
 EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2008.
 
 From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 08, 2008, 05:20:19 PM
Another coffee snorting morning!  Thanks Bobbi and Threeb.  here's one a friend sent me that I thought was cute:

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.  She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and   he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 08, 2008, 07:58:17 PM
Thanks I think Toni. My turn to snort... chardonnay all over my laptop after dinner. Dear Miss Beatrice.  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 08, 2008, 09:36:31 PM
That was quite delightful and hilarious, toni -- something about clueless little old ladies and condoms that always sounds so curiously sweet!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on July 09, 2008, 03:08:18 AM
This is for those of you who are going through your winter just now.  Wisconsin is one of the northernmost US states, and the winters there are indeed long and cold.

COLD WEATHER BEHAVIOR
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
Wisconsinites plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People are sunbathing in Stevens Point.

40 above zero:
Import cars won't start.
Wisconsinites drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Stevens Point gets thicker.

20 above zero:
New Mexicans don long johns, parkas, wool hats and mittens.
Wisconsinites throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Wisconsinites dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Girl Scouts in Wisconsin still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because the mini-van won't start.

460 below zero:
All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in Wisconsin can be heard to say "Cold 'nuf fer ya?" .

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools open 2 hours late.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 09, 2008, 06:28:13 AM
He he he....very funny...
I'm with the Floridians on this....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 09, 2008, 09:08:29 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are
seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man
enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders
start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - Nah. I reckon he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - No way. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me mate. No offence but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken. I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have goldfish at
home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do actually
Suit: - Well, it follows logically that you keep them in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - They're in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden
Phil: - Too right - it's huge!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that if you have a large
garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - Bloody oath I've got a big house! Five bedrooms .....built it
with me own hands!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Mate, I'm married to the greatest sheila on earth and we've
got three great kids.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! At least!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Phil: - Me? You're kiddin me right? Never!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Phil: - Awesome, mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - Lemme explain. Do you have goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.



Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 09, 2008, 09:11:01 AM

How do you catch a polar bear?




Cut a hole in the ice and put peas all around it. When he goes for a pea, kick him in the icehole.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 10, 2008, 04:32:29 AM
I'd pay for tickets to see you Binx....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 10, 2008, 06:24:16 AM


Ode to Four Letter Words
(Author Unknown)

(Warning:  language may offend)

Banish the use of those four-letter words
Whose meanings are never obscure.
The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,
Were vulgar, obscene, and impure.
But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase
That never quite says what you mean;
Far better you stick to your hypocrite ways
Than be vulgar, or coarse, or obscene.

When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out,
When ladies, God bless ‘em, are milling about,
You make water, wee-wee, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose; “Excuse me” may pass;
Shake the dew off the lily; see a man ‘bout a dog;
Or when everyone’s soused, it’s condensing the fog,
But be pleased to consider and remember just this -
That only in Shakespeare do characters piss!

You may speak of a movement, or sit on a seat,
Have a passage, or stool, or simply excrete;
Or say to the others, “I’m going out back,”
Then groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.
You can go lay a cable, or do number two,
Or sit on the toidy and make a do-do,
But ladies and men who are socially fit
Under no provocation will go take a shit!


There is more, but modesty and a fear of censorship forbids !


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 11, 2008, 01:04:53 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

Cat Workout
(Be sure you don't miss video link at the end)

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start
any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few
extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active.

The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the
program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet,
and there are no distractions.

The warm-up is critical.

Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start
with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile
or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel
charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work.

Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that
down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you
can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the
fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength.

Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers,
or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some
basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together.

A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living
room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound
launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby!
Feel those muscles work.

Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom
and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to
hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

HOWEVER!! Most cats will respond to the idea of exercise this way:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg1oszADX04&feature=related
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on July 11, 2008, 02:02:51 AM
Now that's my kind of exercise!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 11, 2008, 02:25:27 AM
Mine as well ... I'm definitely more of a cat person anyway, so it fits!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 11, 2008, 10:35:44 AM
MY LIVING WILL 


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 

 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's so nasty !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 11, 2008, 12:18:32 PM
HOW RUDE OF HER!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 12, 2008, 07:43:19 AM
                                                       
                                                            EXAM PAPER 1


Time Allowed: 40mins
All Questions to be completed

1.

HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.



2.

MEDICINE
You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.



3.

PUBLIC SPEAKING
2500 riot-crazed immigrants are storming the local Citizens Advice Bureau. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.



4.

BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the British parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.



5.

MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.



6.

SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.



7.

ENGINEERING
The dissassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.



8.

POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its sociological aspects, if any.



9.

PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare it with the development of any other kind of thought.



10.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Define the Universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 12, 2008, 09:19:00 AM
That took me 27 minutes and 34 seconds.....

There's an awful bloody mess on my living room carpet....

I have to admit it was a tight squeeze getting the tiger in the cupboard under the stairs...

The banging on the front door is really pissing me off now... though most of 2500 have bogged off...

My lips are sore from the flute and i've got a thumping headache....

If you hear a very very very very big bang, and you're windows get blown in...i'm sorry it's nothing personal!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 12, 2008, 02:05:44 PM
 
   :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 13, 2008, 05:46:39 PM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:








(Wait for it)





(Get your best Chinese accent ready)











"You not Nissan Main Deala?"


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 13, 2008, 06:18:43 PM
Groan!!  :D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 13, 2008, 07:06:21 PM


What.....didn't you appreciate the delicate subtlety of it ?   :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 13, 2008, 07:44:32 PM
 ;D

Great celebrations here.  Mandela turns 90 on (I think) the 18 July.  One of the truly great men and very much loved.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 13, 2008, 08:15:18 PM
I thought it was very funny Binx.....

..and yes he was/is a great man.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 13, 2008, 08:41:43 PM

 I couldn't agree more, and I truly hope you didn't think the joke was disrespectful.....it wasn't meant to be !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 13, 2008, 08:47:23 PM


P.S.   I was brought up to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder to find any !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 13, 2008, 09:24:02 PM
I think even Mr. Mandela might find it amusing -- nobody can live that long without having even a wee bit of humor!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 14, 2008, 04:11:56 PM
Oh I am sure he would love it.  He has a great sense of humour!  I really can't imagine anyone taking exception except the most po-faced of people.  I saw a lovely picture of him in a book the other day (one of my Koreans has an enormous history project that I've been helping her with).  The pic was of Madiba and Graca Machel, his wife, sitting surrounded by their extended family. There must have been 30 or 40 of them and he hag a huge smile on his face.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 17, 2008, 07:02:05 AM
This song makes me laugh.  It's about the upcoming U.S. election, sorry for those of you in other countries. :)

http://sendables.jibjab.com/sendables/1191/time_for_some_campaignin#/teaser/1191
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 17, 2008, 10:08:52 AM
I've forwarded it to quite a few friends - thanks for passing it on!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 21, 2008, 06:14:57 AM

Japanese authorities have banned the movement of all animals after the discovery of several nibbled sofabeds in Tokyo.

It's feared this may be an outbreak of Futon Mouse disease.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 21, 2008, 09:29:48 AM
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_19.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 21, 2008, 07:40:14 PM
I thought so too..... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 21, 2008, 08:10:30 PM
Ditto - but not sure how to put those cute emoticons in.  Have been told, but tghey never ever seem to work for me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 22, 2008, 12:13:13 AM
I did love that one too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 22, 2008, 01:37:40 AM
I'm sure the Bang Gang will appreciate it too if they read it, what with their Futon business and all....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on July 22, 2008, 07:39:51 AM
Warning....bit rude in places!

For those of you not in the UK.....an Essex girl is the subject of ridicule as in being a bit thick!!!

Essex Girls -

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed
council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds
of them!'


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok..'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave
got C&A on them!'

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 22, 2008, 07:46:37 AM
Nice one Jane, and absolutely no fear of offending anyone!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 22, 2008, 07:47:38 AM
Very appropriate me tinks...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 22, 2008, 08:02:16 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 22, 2008, 11:16:39 AM
Sounds like your equivalent of our blonde jokes here in the US -- and they're endless (the jokes I mean, as well as the blondes!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 22, 2008, 04:09:08 PM
And the van der Merwe jokes here.  That was lovely Jane!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 22, 2008, 11:12:21 PM
FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (or Severe Distortions, thereof):

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

Definition of a will: A dead give away.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll be repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

You feel stuck with your debt if y ou can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 22, 2008, 11:15:39 PM
Oh, anonsi -- those were so cute! I've heard some, but others are new to me. Thanks for the laugh to get me started this morning! Good to hear from you, kid!  ;) ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 23, 2008, 04:37:44 AM
Can't remember if this one has been posted before, but what the heck:

________________________________

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and
will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail . 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .



And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 23, 2008, 08:47:20 AM

Thank you, Anonsi and Birdy....a good chortle to start my day !   :D


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 23, 2008, 12:07:38 PM
A great parable -- I like it a lot!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 23, 2008, 01:13:35 PM
It does kind of go along with the cat and dog diaries posted some time ago, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 23, 2008, 01:41:59 PM

In the "Strange but True" category........

"A company called The Pond Inc. is now selling a product called "Subtle Butt", billed as a fart neutralizer, to eliminate smelly flatulence.

It's an activated carbon fabric pad, measuring 3.25" x 3.25" square, and adheres to the inside of your underwear with two self-adhesive strips.

As the wind breaks, Subtle Butt filters the flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor. Now you can eat as many burritos you want and still have a social life."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 23, 2008, 01:43:29 PM
how (b)utterly bizarre
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 23, 2008, 01:54:32 PM
 :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 24, 2008, 09:31:14 PM
A butt filter -- wow! We could use a butt-load  >:D down here in Texas for all the frijoles (i.e., beans -- that's my smattering of Spanish coming out) they love consuming!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 27, 2008, 03:35:11 PM

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
  - Terry Pratchett
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 27, 2008, 05:11:40 PM
How true! ???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 28, 2008, 11:53:23 AM
A real tragedy that he will not be with us much longer. :(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 28, 2008, 12:11:11 PM

Oh yes -I'd forgotten that he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.   Cruel disease.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 28, 2008, 05:51:00 PM
Terrible for anyone, but seems worse when it happens to such an inventive, clever mind.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 28, 2008, 06:04:12 PM
We hear a great deal about keeping the mind active, learning new skills, etc in order to ward off dementia. When people like Terry Pratchett and Iris Murdoch develop Alzheimers, I wonder just how much difference mental activity makes.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 28, 2008, 06:06:13 PM
Ja.  It's one of the things I try not to think about when I find myself standing at the open fridge, wondering what I wanted, and then remember I was actually going to hang the washing!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 28, 2008, 07:09:26 PM
My nearly-son-in-law was watching a programme on Alzheimers last year. The message he took away was that an active mind stimulated by a meaningful hobby is probably the best statistical defense against Alzheimers.
[I take your point about Terry Pratchett and Iris Murdoch challenging this theory Binkie, but ultimately, it's a number's game, and they're the tragic exceptions to the rule.]
 
Anyway, back to Josh and his worst nightmare - dementia. After some introspection, he decided that his lack of a hobby needed instant remediation. He took up brewing and bought a reflux still that pumps out 85% proof alcohol!!! If that doesn't fry your brain... Go figure.

Ironically, my husband has become totally obsessed by this pastime and the two of them are bonding bigtime. They spend whole weekend half days at the specialist brewshop chewing the fat with the (alcoholic?) owner. We have a booze cabinet bursting with exotic spirits: bourbons, whiskies, gin, brandies, liqueurs - Baileys, yummy hazelnut stuff, cherry brandy stuff that's awesome on fresh strawberries, chocolate liqueur, Amarula (you might recognise that one Toni, it's Seffrican), even Absinthe.

Unfortunately we don't drink much of this stuff, and neither do our friends, so the stash is growing exponentially. Happily for me the latest experiments have involved wine-making. Nothing to do with the still. These kits are imported from Canada and utilise grapes sourced from Australia. Bit of a world tour and not a good carbon footprint. But they seem to taste okay. We have about 170 bottles on the rack aging away merrily. Although they're too new to make any judgements, we've sampled the odd bottle. And the good news is that improvements are noticable. I live in hope that we finally notice a standard at which they're drinkable.  :)

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 28, 2008, 07:54:53 PM

I thought stills were illegal - otherwise I'd have rigged up copper tubing in a flash!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 28, 2008, 08:00:07 PM
Bobbi, send all those unwanted spirit/liquers across the Tasman. They sound yummy.  Do you want my address???????
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 28, 2008, 09:22:28 PM
I'd volunteer to come and drink some (lots, hic!) if I lived a little closer.  How on earth did you manage to get marula fruit?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on July 29, 2008, 12:13:56 AM
My dad experimented with beer-making when I was in school.  I was too young to know if he ever produced any that was worth drinking, but his rejects made a wonderful after-shampoo hair rinse.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 29, 2008, 07:14:26 PM
Binkie, there are only two countries in the world where private stills are legal: New Zealand, and the other is Ireland I think. Pretty much everywhere else in the world you need a (commercial) permit to run a still, and for the hobbyist, the cost simply isn't worth it. New Zealand is the largest manufacturer of private still kits. If you (the universal you being someone outside of NZ and Ireland) order one, the components will be shipped in a suitable number of seperate boxes over a suitably drawn out time period so that customs haven't a clue.  :D

R_M, I suspect that some of the wine Mac has made will keep us in boef bourginon base for a few winters  :) My recipe starts: "take two bottles of claret" but I'm pretty sure undrinkable homemade red wine will work almost as well.

His beer apparently is really good - won heaps of prizes at brewing shows. As a type 1 diabetic of 30 plus years standing, he needs a low calorie, low sugar and preferably low preservative drink for every day use. Water simply doesn't do it for him and he's been making his personalised low alcohol beer for many years. I think it's quite disgusting. But then I don't particularly like any beer so what do I know?

Also, beer, unlike wine (luckily) has live yeast in it. I have a fairly violent allergy to active yeast - no bread, no soya sauce, no marmite, no beer allowed in my diet. Gives me a terrible rash down the centre of my face and behind my ears. Number 1 daughter suffers from the same affliction poor thing.

Toni, the Amarula flavouring came in a small bottle about the size of a miniature of spirits. Just gets added to the pure distlilled alcohol with one or two other bits. The whisky flavourings are amazing! You can get all sorts of different subtleties and the final taste is indistinguishable from some of the most expensive products on the international market. The only exception we have found so far is the Jagermeister look-alike blend - still some a lot of work to be done there.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 30, 2008, 10:55:47 AM

Apropos of absolutely nothing.....

1. Open a new google web page
2. Type "Find Chuck Norris "
3. Click on search the web
4. Read the first listing
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 30, 2008, 12:54:29 PM
You are a nutter Binkie - in the nicest possible way of course ;D  Where do you find these things .....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 30, 2008, 01:38:44 PM

Aaah ! I actually have a small army of underlings, all working their little butts off for me .

P.S  Love your new piccy.....very alluring !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 30, 2008, 05:37:54 PM
Oh Binks!!!  ;D

I agree about your piccy Greenone.  It's lovely.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 30, 2008, 07:56:19 PM
me three greenone - you look so glamorous!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 30, 2008, 08:00:21 PM
New picture was supposed to show my new natural hair, but it still looks dark not silvery white at the front with pepper and salt after.  Trust me, it looks very very grey in the flesh, so as to speak. Oh well, it's not a bad photo.  Taken today at work and posted on our website!  I felt that it was a bit false having one on the web that didn't look anything like me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 30, 2008, 08:09:23 PM
Trust me, it was the only decent one of the 7 that were taken.  Most were disgusting.  Something to do with the bags under the eyes in the others.  Oh well, most of us are not happy with the way we look in photos
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 30, 2008, 08:23:24 PM

Why else do you think I wear a mask ??   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 30, 2008, 11:27:28 PM
Or never post one in the first place or like some others I won't name use someone else's photo?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 31, 2008, 12:00:45 AM
... uh, yeah!  ;)

I'd NEVER do that!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 31, 2008, 06:17:48 AM



HEAVAGE: Breasts so big they need a special bra for support

IRRITAINMENT: TV shows and celebs so irritating or bad that they end up being compulsive viewing for all the wrong reasons.

BLAMESTORMING: Getting in a group, discussing why something went wrong and then deciding whose fault it was.

SMIRTING: Flirting between tobacco addicts forced outside by the public smoking ban.

FLEXTING: Flirting through mobile phone texts.

MOBISODE: A clip of a full-length TV show or film made for watching on a mobile phone or MP4 player.

WOOF: Stands for Well Off Old Fogey: the sort a gold-digger goes for.

CHINDIA: The combination of China and India as a major economic force.

OH-NO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time when you realise you’ve just made a huge mistake.

NONEBRITY: Someone who ends up a minor celebrity despite having no obvious talent.

SWIPEOUT: The moment your debit card is swiped at a till and you find you’ve run out of cash. Also used to describe the magnetic strip on a card becoming worn out through overuse.

SINBAD: Stands for Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

MOUSE POTATO: A modern version of a couch potato. Someone who spends all their time at home surfing the internet.

PLAY-DOUGH: Money set aside for a night on the town.

BROMANCE: When two heterosexual lads are such good mates they spend as much time together as a couple.

SCUMMY MUMMY: The opposite of a scrummy mummy.

PROBO: Someone who makes a tidy living from begging. A professional hobo.

TURDBIRD: Someone who flies into a situation, slags it off then goes away again. Like a negative know-it-all.

SAGA LOUTS: Groups of tea-drinking pensioners who travel to garden centres and craft fairs on organised coach trips.

PIKEA: An open-air area such as a rest area where people dump old furniture.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 31, 2008, 06:21:29 AM

A bear walks into a bar and says," I want a bourbon ................................

......and coke"

Bartender says, "What’s with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I've had em all my life."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 31, 2008, 08:38:13 AM
I can hardly bear puns like that.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on July 31, 2008, 12:36:48 PM
Love them Binks!!!  A good laugh for the day and my workmates will be impressed when I cut and paste the info into an email.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 31, 2008, 04:26:58 PM
I liked the definitions Binkie.  Thanks,  And pleeeasecould someone give me a woof for Christmas??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 31, 2008, 08:21:15 PM
I loved them all too, Binks. I believe that many of us regular forumates would qualify as hard-core mouse-potatoes!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 01, 2008, 05:55:36 PM

I looked up "mouse potato " on Google images, hoping to find something hysterically funny, or at least mildly amusing. Nothing sparked my interest, until I found this photo, titled "Bonsai Potato With Mouse "  !!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 01, 2008, 09:51:51 PM
Awwwwwww -- what a little cutie-pie! Can I please have one?  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 03, 2008, 09:46:12 AM


Some more definitions for you....

Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 03, 2008, 09:52:13 AM
Brilliant, binks! You're such a fount of fabulous (f)crazeology!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 03, 2008, 10:29:04 AM

I do my little best, Threeb. Shame that it doesn't actually qualify me for anything.....such as a huge salary !  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 03, 2008, 11:13:58 AM
So much talent going unrecognized -- 'tis indeed a pity. I believe, though, that your fame has now gone far and wide across the earth ... if we could just recompense you in an appropriate manner.

Perhaps an appearance on Oprah Winfrey would give you a boost. She's hugely popular, and anyone she mentions becomes instantly rich and famous!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 03, 2008, 11:38:31 AM

I can see it now....."Oprah interviews unknown ancient woman with a penchant for silly jokes."  It'll be a roaring success !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 03, 2008, 12:17:48 PM
Even the title makes me laugh out loud -- I KNOW it would be big hit!  ;D

We need all the silly ancient women we can get -- besides, they make wonderful grandmothers!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 03, 2008, 12:33:25 PM

Aaaw shucks !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 03, 2008, 10:35:42 PM

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.















So I pushed her over.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on August 04, 2008, 06:08:34 AM
 :D :D :D  I like!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 04, 2008, 06:12:47 AM

Good.........I'm quite fond of cruelty-to-old-lady jokes.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 08, 2008, 11:18:30 AM



All it takes to amuse me is a pair of shoes and a tube of Superglue !

http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj39/Atro_2008/cid__1_06CFA8B806CFA4D0007F835A6925.gif


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 08, 2008, 03:31:36 PM
I'm embarassed to admit how many times in a row I watched that, laughing all the time.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 08, 2008, 07:36:18 PM
You're not alone! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 09, 2008, 04:45:21 AM
What's worse is that I just went back to it and watched it about 10 more times and laughed all over again.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 09, 2008, 06:43:06 AM
It was very funny girls...wish i had thought of that on holiday...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 09, 2008, 07:25:24 AM

Now this is my kind of old lady !


"A 90-year-old woman saw her dreams come true when she was served fish and chips by a man dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron.

The St Austell care home resident's fantasy was fulfilled by Cornwall Care, as part of its Make a Wish initiative."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 09, 2008, 07:57:52 AM

For all those who are frustrated when an "Error 404" message appears......

www.mafiacrime.org/1379 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 09, 2008, 08:01:57 AM


Thought this was appropriate. One of my all-time favourite comedians......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmJSrVNKnr0
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 09, 2008, 11:50:10 PM
Oh Binkie, the tears are running down my face!  Thanks!

Here's something I thought was lovely.  Joan sent it to me.


The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 10, 2008, 12:02:14 AM
That, too, was just amazing, toni! You couldn't make something like that up, but what a wonderful presentation. Kids -- ya gotta luv 'em! It almost sounds like something binks' little granddaughter would tell!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 10, 2008, 12:03:14 AM
That's exactly what I thought Threeb!  She sounds such a cutie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 10, 2008, 12:07:29 AM
I would just take her and squeeze her like I do my own two little peachy grand-babies -- who, of course, are just as fabulous!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 10, 2008, 01:27:47 AM
What a lovely story...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 10, 2008, 09:37:23 AM



That was wonderful, Toni ! You can just see her telling the story, can't you ?  "middle wife" and "play centre" .....glorious !   :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 10, 2008, 09:30:37 PM
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester.
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
> Contestant : Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song?
> What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
> Contestant: France.
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris.
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
> BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
> DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
> Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
> GWR FM (Bristol)
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
> A: Forrest Gump.
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
> Contestant: Er. . .
> Leslie: He makes bread . . .
> Contestant: Er . ...
> Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
> Contestant: Kipling Street?
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona.
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
> ROCK FM (PRESTON)
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta?
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER...ER ...Three?
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
> Caller: Japan.
> Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er ....Mexico?
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
> Contestant: No.
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er. .. ..
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
These are some hilarious answers to questions on British TV and radio.>




> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
> LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
> Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
> Contestant: Jewish.
> Presenter: That's close enough.
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 11, 2008, 05:28:13 AM
 :) :) :)  :D  :) :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 11, 2008, 06:15:12 AM

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."   



 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 11, 2008, 06:41:10 AM
Ha bloody Ha .... :laugh:  :laugh:   :laugh: to both...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 11, 2008, 11:52:41 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 13, 2008, 02:04:54 PM
Man Translation...

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 13, 2008, 06:18:20 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 14, 2008, 11:55:11 PM
I can relate to all of those....in fact any woman who has ever known a man in the slightest should be able to! :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 15, 2008, 12:08:45 AM
Presactly!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 15, 2008, 01:41:22 AM
A dire prediction:

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything
about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party, a wedding, at
church, what?"

"No," said the psychic, "not at any of those places."

"Where, then? A bar, the mall, the supermarket? WHAT???" asked
the now very excited frog.

"Next year," replied the psychic, "in biology class."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 15, 2008, 07:47:52 PM

I'm so glad you told that frog joke, Threeb, (which I loved, incidentally) because it allows me to introduce the following column almost seamlessly !



                                                   High Anxiety  BY DAVE BARRY



Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes.

That's right: They have levitated a frog.

I swear I am not making this up. According to an Associated Press article sent in by a number of alert readers, British and Dutch scientists "have succeeded in floating a frog in air.'' They did this by using magnetism, which, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

The AP article states that the scientists levitated the frog by subjecting it to "a magnetic field a million times stronger than that of the Earth.'' According to scientists, the frog "showed no signs of distress after floating in the air inside a magnetic cylinder.''

I am not a trained scientist, but my reaction to that last statement is -- and I quote -- "Duh.'' I mean, of course the frog "showed no signs of distress'': It's a frog. Frogs are not known for their ability to show emotions; they are limited to essentially one facial expression, very much like Jean-Claude Van Damme. What did these scientists expect the frog to do? Cry? Hop around on their computer keyboard and spell out the words "I AM EXPERIENCING DISTRESS''?

No, we don't really know what the frog was feeling; this is why we should be skeptical about the scientists' claim, as reported in the AP story, that "there is no reason'' why this same magnetic technique could not be used on "larger creatures, even humans.'' Before we start exposing human beings to extremely powerful magnetic fields, we should conduct extensive laboratory tests on Richard Simmons. But if magnetic levitation really turns out to be safe, I think it could have some important "real world'' applications:

1. GETTING CHILDREN OUT OF BED ON SCHOOL MORNINGS. Scientists calculate that the attraction between a child and his or her bed on a school morning can be up to 75 times as strong as mere gravity. Most parents try to overcome this attraction by pounding on the door and shouting ineffective threats, the most popular one being: "YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!'' The problem with this threat is that it's based on the idiotic premise that the child wants to be in school and be forced to sit on a hard chair and figure out how many times 7 goes into 56; naturally, the child prefers the bed.

Think, parents, how much easier it would be if, at 6:30 a.m. on school mornings, you could simply press a button, thereby activating gigantic magnets under your child's bed that would cause the child to float upward, along with any frogs that happened to be in bed with the child. Then, instead of wasting your time yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!'' you could waste your time yelling "STOP DRAWING WITH THAT MARKING PEN ON THE CEILING!'' So perhaps this is not such a good use for magnetic levitation after all. Perhaps a better one would be:

2. COPING WITH PEOPLE WHO "SAVE'' SEATS. I don't know about you, but it makes me nuts when I enter a self-service restaurant, airport gate area, movie theater, etc., and there are people "saving'' seats -- sometimes lots of seats -- for people who are not there, and who sometimes do not ever actually show up, which does not stop the savers from vigilantly guarding their seats, often by placing items such as shopping bags on them. My feeling is, if an actual person was physically there and had to go to the bathroom or something, fine, you can "save'' that person's seat until he or she returns; but if you're "saving'' a seat for a hypothetical person who is not there, then the seat should go to real people who ARE there. The concept of "saving'' seats should be restricted to junior high school, where "frontsy-backsy'' is still considered a legal technique for butting into line.

So my idea is that public seating areas would be monitored via cameras; if a "seat-saver'' was observed denying seats to real people, the appropriate magnets would be activated, and the seat-saver, along with the shopping bags, would vacate the "saved'' seats, very much the way a Poseidon missile vacates a submarine. Granted, the magnetic field would also prevent everybody else from using the seats, but I think the overall effect would be worth it.

3. IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF MEDICAL CARE. I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. There should be magnets -- very powerful magnets -- under doctors' scales to compensate for the gravitational increase, much the way economists adjust dollar amounts for inflation.

I'm sure I could come up with other practical uses for magnetic human levitation, but I have to go. It's been an hour since lunch, and, as a resident of the Earth's magnetic field, I find myself powerfully attracted to the refrigerator.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 15, 2008, 08:24:39 PM
two hilarious posts! thanks guys  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 16, 2008, 08:20:53 AM

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 16, 2008, 11:17:19 PM
I loved both Threebs frog (in a sick kind of way :-[) and Binkie's.  Thanks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on August 17, 2008, 02:35:01 AM
When they built a new extension to the old prison in Bedford (where I used to live) at the front of the area directly in front of the main entrance, they decided to build 2 long round walls.....and.....you've guessed it....and each of these they put a light!!!! Still not sure whether it was intentional or just some planners not realising but now everyone calls it...the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 18, 2008, 07:56:13 PM


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknownToday we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Author unknown

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 18, 2008, 09:31:33 PM
you do realise that all this is an extremely poor defense against SAG and her younger bother.
They're much too wise to fall for anything from this manual.
You might however score by merely being yourself.XXX
g'night habbo friendes. :)
peace, out
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 18, 2008, 10:28:39 PM
Well i for one will, [and often do] mourn the passing of Common Sense.....

Lets all wish hard for some miracle of reincarnation....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 18, 2008, 10:55:10 PM
Well, it's certainly very sad ... I lament the passing of common sense every day. Apparently, it is now UNCOMMON SENSE that rules the world!  :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 18, 2008, 10:56:09 PM
So, to cheer us up a bit today, I thought I'd pass along these little gems about getting OLD!  >:D

Aging Gracefully

A reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman. "And what do
you think is the best thing about being a hundred and four?" he
asked her.

She replied, "No peer pressure."

-----

Two nice thing about being senile: You get to meet new people
every day, and you can hide your own Easter eggs.

-----

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take
40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia and poor circulation; I can hardly
feel my hands and feet any more. I can't remember if I'm 85 or
92. I've lost all my friends ... but thank God, I still have my
driver's license!!

-----

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by
the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

-----

An elderly woman making her final arrangements told her preacher,
"I want to be cremated, and I want ashes scattered over Wal-Mart."

"Wal-Mart? Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

-----

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

-----

Q: Know how to prevent sagging?

A: Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

-----

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee
maker.

-----

The Senility Prayer

Lord,

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 19, 2008, 08:14:54 AM
I knew i should have gone to Specsavers!!!!  :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 20, 2008, 10:06:02 AM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


"The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink."
  - George Orwell
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 20, 2008, 11:23:39 AM
What a scary simile! Good ole George!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 20, 2008, 11:38:13 AM
This bunch of goodies made the rounds here:

LAWYER JOKES ...
>
> Did you hear about the stupid terrorists?  They captured a
> courtroom full of lawyers and said they would shoot one every hour
> until their demands were met.
>
> >Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
> lawyers?
> >    It's called,         ....Sosumi.
> >
> >Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
> >A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
> >
> >Q: How do attorneys sleep?
> >A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other.
> >
> >Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
> >A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
> >
> >Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
>     .....And one to sue the ladder company.
> >
> >If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
> only save
> >one of them     ......would you go to lunch or read the paper?
> >
> >Q: What are lawyers good for?
> >A: They make used car salespeople look good.
> >
> >Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
> >A: They're both extinct.
> >
> >Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
> >A: Skeet.
> >
> >Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
> >A: A senator.
> >
> >Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
> >A: "Your Honor".
> >
> >Q; What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
> >A: Another lawyer.
> >
> >Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
> >A: Their personalities.
> >
> >Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
> >A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
> >
> >Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
> dead lawyer
> >in the middle of the road?
> >A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
> >
> >Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
> >A: A Doberman.
> >
> >Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
> >A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
> >
> >Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
> >
> >Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
> >drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
> >spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
> >A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
> >
> >Last winter it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
> >pockets.
> >
> >A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
> >rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
> >"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied,
> >" .....and what is your third question?"
> >
>
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 20, 2008, 12:00:33 PM

I loved them all, Threeb !  :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 20, 2008, 08:14:51 PM
Very good...

Are there any about Traffic Wardens...they are just as hated here in the YUK as lawyers...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 20, 2008, 08:18:37 PM
One day, a teacher, a dustman, and a traffic warden all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the dustman, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that he would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The dustman guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the traffic warden. "What were their names?"


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 20, 2008, 08:23:29 PM
A man walking on Brighton beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But theres a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every traffic warden in England will receive double what you asked for."


First, the man wished for a Rolls-Royce. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every traffic warden in England has been given two Rolls-Royces," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million pounds." replied the man, and POOF! One million pounds appeared at his feet.

"Now, every traffic warden in England is two million pounds richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate ONE kidney."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 23, 2008, 07:13:57 AM

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 23, 2008, 07:20:22 AM
OOOHH!! i can't wait for my time to come  :-R  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 23, 2008, 11:36:22 AM
So wonderful it is !!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 23, 2008, 09:41:33 PM
Be careful what you wish for, T - very careful!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 23, 2008, 11:04:51 PM
I think that is good advice.....i have just put another lock on the shed door....and boarded up the window...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 23, 2008, 11:29:08 PM
Ooh Birdie, that has a horribly ominous sound!  My sons delight in chirping. "None that she knows about!" when anyone asks me if I have grandchildren yet.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 24, 2008, 06:47:48 AM
Harder to keep secret with girls, especially ones that live at home.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 24, 2008, 05:01:45 PM
True!
Title: RAG V SAG saga continues......
Post by: Binkie on August 26, 2008, 08:07:30 AM


SAG  You know what, Farmor ? My Daddy is a father ! He's my father.

RAG  He certainly is.

SAG  And my Mummy is a mother. She's my mother.

RAG  Absolutely right.

SAG  I'm their daughter and Simon is their son!

RAG  Spot on!

SAG  And you're a mother, and Farfar is a father, aren't you ?

RAG  Yes we are, and we have........

SAG  (triumphantly) Two sons...Daddy and Uncle Guy!

RAG  (delighted at this firm grasp of relationships)  Well done !

SAG  Well, I don't want Daddy to be your son .

RAG  (somewhat deflated) Whyever not ?

SAG   You've already got Uncle Guy, so you don't need my Daddy as well, do you ?

RAG   Er...(at a total loss for words as usual)



 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 26, 2008, 09:58:30 AM
Now there's a very clever, enchanting and tricky child's mind ... I, too, would have been speechless -- which is probably a rarity for your and me alike.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 26, 2008, 12:50:27 PM

 Later the same day.

Scene....the kitchen. RAG is getting out bowls for lunch. KP has just learned his first colour.

KP  Lello! Lello!

RAG  That's right, Simon - it's a yellow bowl ! Clever boy. Did you hear that, Holly ? Simon knows that it's a yellow bowl.

KP  Lello ! Lello!

SAG (very sweetly) May I please have the yellow bowl, Farmor ?

KP Lello ! Lello! Lello!

RAG  I think Simon wants the yellow bowl, don't you ?

KP  Lellolelleolellolellolello !

SAG  But I really want the yellow bowl, Farmor.

KP  LELLO !!!

RAG Yes, I know you do, but the blue bowl is a good bowl, too. And look - it matches your jumper!
  (Solomon has nothing on me, folks.)

KP LELLO!!

SAG  Why should Simon have the yellow bowl ?

RAG  Well, I think it would be nice for him to have it because yellow is the only colour he can say so far, isn't it ?

SAG  Mmmmm. ( Pause)    Simon?   Say "blue" !    Say "blue", Simon..."BLUE  BLUE  BLUE !"



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on August 26, 2008, 08:18:50 PM
I love it   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Kids are really wonderful aren't they and very good negotiators.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 26, 2008, 08:38:21 PM
 ;D

Found this in my email -- couldn't resist:

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.

"The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 27, 2008, 09:00:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 27, 2008, 09:06:38 PM
I loved that Threeb, thanks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 29, 2008, 10:15:17 PM
Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother
answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all
mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The
father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human
race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Papa said they
developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 29, 2008, 10:16:44 PM
A teenage boy had  just gotten his driver's license and asked his dad if they could  discuss the use of the family car.

His dad said he'd make a deal with the  kid. 'You bring your grades from 'D' to a 'B' average, study your Bible  a little, and get your hair cut. Then, we will talk about the car.'

The kid  thought about that for moment, and decided he'd settle for the offer.

After a couple of  months, the dad said, 'son, you've brought
your gradesup and I've been  watching you studying your Bible, but I'm a little disappointed that you  haven't gotten your hair cut yet.'

The kid looked at his dad and said, 'you know Dad, I've been thinking
about that. I've noticed, in my Bible studies, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and I've seen all  of them pictures of Jesus with long hair..'

The father  replied, 'And did you also notice that everywhere they went, they  walked?'
 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 29, 2008, 10:26:09 PM
Now why didn't I think of that before letting them loose in my car?
Just joking - the kids aren't allowed anywhere near my car! Because it's classified as a sports car, insurance for drivers under 25 is prohibitive, so I have a reason they understand  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 08:41:36 AM

One of my favourite humourists ( or favorite humorists, if you must ) was just played on the radio.....Tom Lehrer. I hadn't heard this particular ditty for some time, and although it's much funnier when Mr Lehrer performs it, I thought I'd share it with you. For all those who know it off by heart - I apologise.


"Last December 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary it has ever been my pleasure to read. It was that of a lady named Alma Mahler Gropius Werfel, who had, in her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers practically all of the top creative men in central Europe. And, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary, by the way, which is what made it so interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry:  One of the leading composers of the day, Gustav Mahler, composer of Das Lied von der Erde and other light classics; one of the leading architects, Walter Gropius, of the Bauhaus school of design; and one of the leading writers, Franz Werfel, author of the Song of Bernadette and other masterpieces.

It's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years!

It seemed to me, on reading this obituary, that the story of Alma was the stuff of which ballads should be made, so here is one:

The loveliest girl in Vienna
Was Alma, the smartest as well.
Once you picked her up on your antenna,
You'd never be free of her spell.

Her lovers were many and varied
From the day she began her - beguine.
There were three famous ones whom she married,
And God knows how many between.

Alma, tell us,
All modern women are jealous,
Which of your magical wands
Got you Gustav and Walter and Franz?

The first one she married was Mahler,
Whose buddies all knew him as Gustav,
And each time he saw her he'd holler,
"Ach, that is the Fräulein I must have!"

Their marriage, however, was murdah.
He'd scream to the heavens above,
"I'm writing Das Lied von der Erde
And she only wants to make love!"

Alma, tell us,
All modern women are jealous.
You should have a statue in bronze
For bagging Gustav and Walter and Franz.

While married to Gus she met Gropius,
And soon she was swinging with Walter.
Gus died and her tear drops were copious,
She cried all the way to the altar.

But he would work late at the Bauhaus,
And only came home now and then.
She said, "What am I running, a chow house?
It's time to change partners again!"

Alma, tell us,
All modern women are jealous.
Though you didn't even use Ponds,
You got Gustav and Walter and Franz.

While married to Walt, she'd met Werfel,
And he, too, was caught in her net.
He married her but he was carefel,
'Cause Alma was no Bernadette.

And that is the story of Alma,
Who knew how to receive and to give.
The body that reached her embalma
Was one that had known how to live.

Alma, tell us,
How can they help being jealous?
Ducks always envy the swans
Who get Gustav and Walter,
You never did falter
With Gustav and Walter and Franz."

 :D :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 30, 2008, 09:01:37 AM
My family loved Tom Lehrer.  When I was selling the family home and clearing things out, I came across the records, and we all sat down to listen and sing along.  It was amazing how much we remembered 40 years later!  "Alma" was one of our favorites, though I was also fond of "Poisoning the Pigeons in the Park" - now there's a theme song for Linda!  And "Be Prepared" (the Boy Scouts solemn creed).
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 09:38:17 AM

I'm so glad you're another fan, Birdy !  I'd be hard pressed to choose a favourite, although "Pollution" and "Vatican Rag" would have to be right up there. Such clever lyrics, and amazingly, most of the songs haven't dated, have they ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 30, 2008, 09:39:01 AM
How completely hilarious, binks -- you've done it again!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 09:41:54 AM

Oh please....thank Tom Lehrer, not me !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 30, 2008, 11:17:52 AM
Thank you, Tom (for doing that so binks could share it with us)!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 04:28:04 PM

P.S. I have discovered that there are dozens of videos of Tom Lehrer on Youtube....of course !
 While browsing though them, I remembered another name from the past. Does the name Yma Sumac mean anything to anyone? She has/had one of the greatest voice ranges of any female singer. Apparently her range was from  B2 to C♯7 , or more than four octaves. Her real name was Zoila Augusta Emperatriz Chavarri del Castillo and she came from Peru. There was some discussion about her real identity....some people claimed that she was Amy Camus (Yma Sumac spelled backwards) from Brooklyn, but this was disproved.As far as I know, she's still alive. If you're even remotely interested, there are various videos on Youtube. I think the song that shows her range the best is "Chuncho". There's a moment in the middle of the song where the note is so high that it takes several seconds to grasp that it is a human voice !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 05:24:37 PM

As you may have guessed, I am virtually obsessed with the human voice and its capabilities. There's Ivan Rebroff - a sort of male Yma Sumac, with another extraordinary range. I was lucky enough to see him in concert in Tasmania - breathtaking ! Let's not forget throat singing or overtone singing. One day, when I have nothing else to do, I shall sign up for a class in throat singing. That's after bobbin lace-making, glass-blowing, basket-weaving and scuba diving. Hey....stop laughing......I'm being serious here.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 30, 2008, 06:22:48 PM
Cor, Binkie!!!

A friend sent me this today and I thought it was good enough to share:

 A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items on his desk in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that   it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas   between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.


The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar as full. The students responded with a unanimous 'YES.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.  The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first', he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the good things that are important to you.


Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children.  Take time to get medical checkups.  Take your partner out to dinner.  Play another 18 holes.  Do one more run down the ski slope.  There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.  Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.  The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.  The professor smiled.  'I'm glad you asked.  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on August 30, 2008, 06:32:36 PM
I really liked that, Birdy....thank you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 30, 2008, 07:27:07 PM
I totally agree about that glass of wine! Excellent final point.  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 30, 2008, 10:17:00 PM
That's so true. And wonderfully illustrated! (hic)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 30, 2008, 10:35:26 PM
I need a bigger jar......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 31, 2008, 07:34:09 PM
Greedy!! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 31, 2008, 09:01:20 PM
Performance Evaluations

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on August 31, 2008, 09:04:45 PM
 :D :D :D  My boss actually told me I was doing very well the other day and is impressed with my quick learning, efficiency and 'thoughtfulness' ... yes, he really did say that!!  Probably just because I water his plants on a regular basis!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on August 31, 2008, 09:07:20 PM
I'm sure you are loved WHEREVER you go. They should pay you just for showing up! Clever hag!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on August 31, 2008, 09:14:05 PM
Oh, those had me spluttering!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 01, 2008, 01:40:24 PM
Binkie,
I passed on the lyrics to my brother, who replied that he'd just been in a town named Alma in the Canadian Maritimes, and had burst into song, for the benefit of his wife.  He had not remembered Gustav's last name, though he had remembered Franz's, so he was very happy to receive the lyrics.

And now for something completely different:

It was fun being a baby boomer . . until now.  Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics  to accommodate aging baby
boomers. They include:

Herman's  Hermits --- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a  Lovely Walker.

Ringo  Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From  Depends.

The  Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken  Hip..

Bobby  Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a  Flash.

Roberta  Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your  Face.

Johnny  Nash --- I Can't See Clearly  Now.

Paul  Simon --- Fifty  Ways  to Lose Your  Liver.

The  Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin  Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol  Harem --- A Whiter Shade of  Hair.

Leo  Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like  Napping.

The  Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney  Stone.

Abba ---  Denture  Queen.

Tony  Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If  You Hear Me Fall.

Helen  Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me  Snore.

Leslie  Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If  I Want To.

And the  favorite:

Willie  Nelson --- On the Commode  Again!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on September 01, 2008, 01:58:53 PM
At least Gerry and the Pacemakers don't need to change their name.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 01, 2008, 02:13:06 PM
Oh, come one, Alan!  Have a heart!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 01, 2008, 08:22:31 PM
Hilarious, and a bit too true!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on September 01, 2008, 08:30:37 PM
I shouldn't think they'll be doing much Ferrying Across The Mersey at their age!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 02, 2008, 12:39:14 PM


Brilliant, Birdy !  :D :D :D :D


FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN TO BE GREAT MUMS,
THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE GREAT MUMS,
THOSE WHO HAVE GREAT MUMS AND THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD GREAT MUMS...

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up..

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mum to Mother...

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 02, 2008, 04:27:00 PM
That's left a lump in my throat!

Here's a funny:

AUNTY SHARON ...
> >
> > A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To
> > get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the
> > end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one
> > began to tell their stories.
> >
> > Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a
> > lot of egg laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to
> > market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit
> > a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
> >
> > 'What's the moral of that story ?' asked the
> > teacher.
> >
> > 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket !'
> >
> > 'Very good,' said the teacher.
> >
> > Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family
> > are farmers too.. But we raise chickens for the meat
> > market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched
> > we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
> > is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
> > hatched'.'
> >
> > 'That was a fine story Sarah.'
> >
> > Little Johnny, do you have a story to share ?'
> >
> > 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon
> > who was a RAF flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and
> > her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
> > and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a
> > machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
> > wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
> > of 100 Iraqi soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the
> > machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed
> > twenty more with the machete
> > until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
> > with her bare hands.'
> >
> > 'Good heavens, that's some story,' said the
> > horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy
> > tell you from that horrible story ?'
> >
> > 'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's
> > been drinking.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 02, 2008, 08:35:47 PM
Those were so cute, mates -- here's another little chuckler for ya ...

"Great Truths Learned During Childhood..."

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 02, 2008, 10:49:11 PM
Love them..... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 03, 2008, 12:04:04 AM
For those who loved the Buffy Opera, Joss Whedon came up with a 3-act operatic show, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, about a low-rent world villain, which can be seen at

http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

It is totally silly - and kind of sad - it's amazing how the audience begins to root for the villain.

It takes a little time, but is worth it.
Title: RAG v SAG....the saga continues
Post by: Binkie on September 04, 2008, 06:38:56 PM

            RAG v SAG

(N.B. Being vertically challenged, I am forced to stand on a chair to reach the top shelf of son and DIL's pantry.)

SAG  I'm not grown up yet, am I, Farmor ?

RAG  Not yet, but you're growing bigger every day.

SAG  Yes I am, and soon I'll be really grown up !

RAG  Of course you will !

SAG  You're not grown up, are you, Farmor ?

RAG  Yes I am, actually. I don't think I'll grow any more now.

SAG  You can't be grown up, because you have to grow more, and then you can reach the Weetbix !

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 04, 2008, 06:50:16 PM

This doesn't belong in this thread, but I'm feeling reckless.....just look at all the wonderful rain we're getting !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on September 05, 2008, 01:01:34 AM
Grats on your rain, Binks. :)

It's unseasonably cool here. Only a high of 64 (18) today! And this after temperatures in the 80s (~27) this past weekend.  Go away, fall. I'm not ready for you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 05, 2008, 02:26:36 AM
I was talking to someone in Nebraska yesterday (just a business call to an 800 number) and he asked about our weather in Brooklyn - I said it was supposed to get hot, but then said that I expected that Nebraska was much hotter.  I was surprised to hear that it was in the low 50s when he walked out the door that morning.

I usually think of the center of the country as being much hotter in the summer and much colder in the winter.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on September 05, 2008, 03:31:12 AM
We are generally pretty hot in the summer. I've heard that hurricane Gustav may be to blame for some of our wacky weather. Though now it is September and fall is fast approaching.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 05, 2008, 06:20:09 AM
Rain...i am so peed off with off it.
No summer and it's autumn again now....

I am glad your thrilled though Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 05, 2008, 07:34:44 AM
Binkie, I was also thrilled with that map yesterday and even more so when I realised that alot of the heavy rain was falling over Somerset and Wivenhoe dams.  Just checked the SEQ Water web page, but it has not been updated since 7.22am on Thursday 4th, so don't know how much they received.  They're bound to get the run-off over the next few days too.  It would be good to see the combined storage level of 40.39% rise by another few %.

In case it is of any use to you, we have a weather station which measures all sorts of data at work that you might find interesting  http://www.gpa.uq.edu.au/UQweather/ (http://www.gpa.uq.edu.au/UQweather/)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 05, 2008, 07:40:34 AM

Thank you, Geo....I've added it to my weather folder already.....didn't know it existed !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 05, 2008, 09:53:25 AM
That looks like a very useful chart, geo, for those in your area. Except everything is in Centigrade and centimeters, and trying to convert them to Fahrenheit and inches made me quite dizzy and now I must take a few glasses of wine to recover!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 05, 2008, 10:45:20 AM
Me too, Threeb!  But I did notice that it was cooler than I'd expected.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 05, 2008, 11:41:05 AM
We've had rather cooler mornings in the past week -- in the mid-high 60s. And some afternoons barely get to 90. However, we still get that last burst of heat which I expect in the next several weeks. Although we did have some rain last week, it's back to dry weather again. Makes me a bit nervous since the burn ban has been lifted, and the winds were a bit brisk today. Hope people use their heads.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 05, 2008, 06:36:39 PM
Once again, apropos of nothing.......

What I Want In A Man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3 Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4 Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 05, 2008, 07:30:34 PM
What i want is a man!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 05, 2008, 07:33:14 PM

Just be patient, T......Mr Right will come along sooner or later. A prize like you won't stay unclaimed for long !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 05, 2008, 09:29:32 PM
Binkie, not many people do know of its existence -- sadly.  It contains some really useful data for those who live in the region.  3B -  gotta say, it would not be relevant to you at all, even if it was in degrees F !

Binkie and I live in the same city, so it was really only of interest to her and anyone else on Chi who happens to live in good old Brisbane.   Colhad does, but I'm not sure who else.

Now, moving on from the weather..........T  do you really want a man to interfere with your life? 

are'nt they just a little too much trouble until you spend ages and ages training them.  Do you have the patience?  Keep me posted on this topic.  eeeeeeeeh what happened to Uncle Vito?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on September 05, 2008, 11:51:56 PM
In response to threeb:

The lazy person's way of conversions
And by lazy person's way, I mean my way.

1. Go to Google (http://google.com)
2. Type in what you want converted.  For example: 80f in c
3. Hit enter.

Voila! Your results will be right there waiting for you.  Google's built-in calculator will tell you all. In our example, the result is "80 degrees Fahrenheit = 26.6666667 degrees Celsius"

This works for all sorts of conversions. Temperature, measurement, currency, etc. It will even tell you the answer to life the universe and everything (which is, of course, 42).
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 06, 2008, 12:19:53 AM
Well, aren't you the little techie-bunny today, anonsi! Really, that's so much easier than I would stumble on -- I will absolutely be sure to tuck that into my memory, thanks to you!! (As for lazy, well, you might be onto something there as well!)  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 06, 2008, 12:20:43 AM
P. S. -- I thought it was 43!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 06, 2008, 05:10:05 AM
Thank you for your confidence Binx...

Geo... I don't want a man to interfere with my life, but i would like one to interfere with me....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 06, 2008, 06:22:35 AM
Quite a difference there T.  Go for it !!!  I'm sure there are lots of guys out there that would be very happy to interfere with you without having to interfere with your life. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 06, 2008, 07:38:49 AM
Perhaps i'm asking too much then that they be a nice person too...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 06, 2008, 11:17:34 AM
and reasonably good looking?  Bit of extra cash to make the wining and dining experience more enjoyable doesn't hurt either. Kind to kids and pets is good too.  Amusing is important.  Goes without saying that he has to be a GOOD interferer.

No, definitely not too much to ask.  A girl has to keep her standards high!  I reckon he's out there just trying to find you.  If he has a nice friend, could you pop him on a plane please.  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on September 06, 2008, 12:00:00 PM
Appreciates a good home cooked meal?

How about one who can cook a good home cooked meal?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 06, 2008, 01:17:56 PM
Yes, I think that should be added to the list!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 06, 2008, 06:09:17 PM
I loved the list of wants!  I would love someone to go out with now and then and a little interference (or maybe quite a lot!) would be nice, but, by and large life is a lot easier without.  Years and years ago I complained to my mother that all the nice men seemed to be married.  her reply was that their wives had turned them into nice men.

Spring has certainly sprung here.  All the trees are full of new leaves and the open land full of daisies, yet last weekend we had the worst storm here for 7 years, bad enough for roofs to be blown off.  I can't bear to think what it was like for the thousands of shack-dwellers, it was scary enough in my house.  Made me think all over how terrifying it must be for those of you who live in hurricane areas.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 06, 2008, 08:47:06 PM
Hear, hear, Toni! We've just had a day of really strong winds, although nothing like hurricane force. I can't imagine the force of a hurricane or cyclone, and I hope I never have to experience it. I do have friends who survived Cyclone Tracy which destroyed Darwin in 1974. They sheltered under a table while their house disappeared above them, and both of them said afterwards that they were quite convinced they were about to die. No matter how clever we are with our technology, we can never get the better of Mother Nature, can we ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 06, 2008, 10:42:25 PM
We're waiting for the remnants of Hurricane Hanna to move in later today.  By the time it gets here, it won't be bad - some strong gusty winds, maybe lots of rain.  I went to the store last night after coming home from dinner - there was no skim milk left (I live in a health-conscious neighborhood).  They weren't empty, but there were large gaps on the bread shelves.  Those are the two items that always disappear from the shelves when a storm - whatever season - is approaching - everyone always jokes about it.  Luckily, I'd got my milk the day before.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 07, 2008, 03:28:32 AM
We have just had one months rain in 24 hours, with more still to come...4 people dead so far....it's not good!!!

I hope you go unscathed Birdy..

New Orleans must be breathing a sigh of relief...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 07, 2008, 06:56:44 AM
It's finally started raining here, but not too bad yet - bands of heavy rain.  New Orleans may have escaped Gustav, but I think they're now worrying that Ike is on the way.  It seems to be heading in the direction of the Gulf of Mexico.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Mancklin on September 07, 2008, 07:28:20 AM
Yo from Birdy-land. I am about to leave work and head out into the rain.
Ever tried to get a whippet to pee in the rain? Wish me luck!
Manks
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 07, 2008, 12:25:31 PM
Our dog used to poke his head out the door, notice the rain, and back up into the house, probably crossing his knees.  We used to have to push him out.  At that point, he ran under the nearest bush, relieved himself, and zoomed back to the door.

Were you successful in getting the whippet out for its walk?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 07, 2008, 07:18:18 PM
Oh T, how terrible!  Keep save!  All of you anywhere near hurricanes etc too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on September 13, 2008, 12:39:31 PM
Are engineering jokes fair game?  Oh, well, here goes:

I have a short series of engineering changes that I have been trying to put through the process, once every April the first.

The first in the series required that all software shall henceforth be written with only 0s and no 1s.

This would be at least a 50% time savings for software development (conservative estimate), it would be a massive savings in our battery life, and it would also keep sharp pointy objects away from software engineers.

The second engineering change in this series required that all telecommunications be done with all 1s and no 0s.

This would result in at least a 50% gain in effective bandwidth, since we no longer would need to transmit all those troublesome 0s, it would help deplete our excess stock of 1s resulting from the previous change, and it ought to be easier to stuff a tall, thin "1" down those long, thin wires (or fibers) than it would be to try to cram a big fat "0" down them.

I did actually write these up as official changes, just to see how far along the process they got.  I received a response from our global director of engineering.  They really made her day.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 13, 2008, 01:26:03 PM
Ah, but to a non-techie, those suggestions make perfect sense!  We all need to increase our efficiency!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 13, 2008, 10:09:02 PM
April Fools is perfect to implement these design changes, too! Bring the world to a halt!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 21, 2008, 08:32:32 AM

                                             When I Become An Evil Overlord


1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum; a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 22, 2008, 07:35:10 PM
Brilliant!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 23, 2008, 04:13:46 PM
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the
> entertainment
> > community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a
> yeast infection
> > and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
> belly.  He was 71.
> >
> > Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
> Dozens of celebrities
> > turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
> Butterworth, Hungry
> > Jack, the California Raisins, Betty  Crocker, the
> Hostess Twinkies, and
> > Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with
> flours.
> >
> > Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
> described Doughboy as a
> > man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy
> rose quickly in
> > show business, but his later life was filled with
> turnovers.  He was not
> > considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
> dough on half-baked
> > schemes.  Despite being a little flakey at times, he
> still was a crusty
> > old man and was considered a positive roll model for
> millions.
> >
> > Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three
> children: John Dough,
> > Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the
> oven.  He is also
> > survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
> >
> > The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
> >
> > If this made you smile for even a brief second, please
> rise to the
> > occasion and take time to pass it on and share that
> smile with someone
> > else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 23, 2008, 07:32:55 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 23, 2008, 09:28:36 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 25, 2008, 12:42:40 AM
Oh! the memories....



I used to get poked in the belly too......  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 25, 2008, 01:07:43 AM
T, I'm sure that was no reflection on the puffiness of your tummy!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 25, 2008, 01:46:17 PM

Nah......she'd have thumped them with her wellies ! (See very much earlier posts )

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 26, 2008, 03:34:36 AM
Not always Birdy...

There was a monday morning, about 10.53 a.m, when i was 11... :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 26, 2008, 04:52:52 AM
I was looking back at some of the messages in this thread and the one postsed by a non-amos about ones and zeros reminded me of a similar attempt to simplify the English language:


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.


In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 26, 2008, 05:09:36 AM
What would G. B. Shaw say?  Probably, "Hurrah!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 26, 2008, 06:48:44 PM
Hilarious!  I sent that on to several friends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 26, 2008, 10:17:02 PM
How clever, pat! Whoever made that up was really a wunderkind!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 27, 2008, 07:05:00 AM

I loved it !!  :D



There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3.And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 27, 2008, 07:31:40 AM
Leave it to you, binks, to keep the larfs (sic!) coming too!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 27, 2008, 08:23:48 AM

That's my mission in life, my friend!  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 27, 2008, 11:54:11 AM
And you fulfill it wonderfully!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 27, 2008, 12:17:52 PM

Oh, you flatterer, you !  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on September 27, 2008, 10:12:08 PM
I love your post Pat - so clever and I will share it with my friends
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on September 27, 2008, 10:55:06 PM
hope this hasnt been posted before:

Why We Love Children
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'










Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 28, 2008, 02:09:21 AM
Aren't they just adorable........don't you just love 'em.....

Anyone want to borrow a couple of  secondhand, only slightly used, don't eat much, ones for a month or two???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on September 28, 2008, 05:59:32 AM
Something special planned for the next couple of months T???????  Tell, tell
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on September 28, 2008, 09:18:51 AM
3 are enough for me thanks Tech.

Gorgeous day here in Sydney inciidentally - up to 30 degrees celsius predicted. Garden is full of flowers and heard the first Koel this morning. Noisy thing! 'The spring is sprung' and the birds are definitely here!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on September 28, 2008, 11:10:58 AM
Very cute stuff, smaug! Had me chucking quite a bit.

Okay, T -- I'd gladly take a couple for a little while -- don't know how long before they'd wear me out, though. I don't have a shed like you, but there is a wee basement below ...  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 28, 2008, 01:01:33 PM
heard the first Koel this morning. Noisy thing! 'The spring is sprung' and the birds are definitely here!

Caught my eye with this one, Smaug - had to look it up.  The Wikipedia article even had a link to the sound it makes - quite a jungly noise!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on September 28, 2008, 02:37:35 PM

The Koel is also the sort of bird that drives you almost insane with a loud, repetitive and continuous series of calls in the middle of the night ! If I weren't a bird lover I'd be tempted to........never mind. Strike that.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 28, 2008, 07:39:10 PM
Binkie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 29, 2008, 12:04:21 AM
Loved those Smaug and yours had me laughing aloud again Binks!  T, I'll have your girls, choose me, choose me! I've always wanted some girl-support around here.  With 3 boys and my dad I was rather outnumbered.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 29, 2008, 12:07:45 AM
Fed-ex is knocking on your door Toni....

Now did i remember to put fragile on the box???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 29, 2008, 05:44:11 AM
Not necessary to label the package, T - I'm sure your two can survive a few thumps!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on September 29, 2008, 10:12:44 PM
I'm waiting T!

Meanwhile, here's small laugh:

 Why It's Better To Be A Woman!

   1. Why It's Better To Be A Woman! We got off the Titanic first.
   2. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
   3. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
   4. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
   5. Free drinks, free dinners, free movies ... (you get the point).
   6. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
   7. There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
   8. We'll never regret piercing our ears
   9. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  10. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 01, 2008, 03:26:31 AM
So very true Toni...

If they haven't arrived yet they must have got lost in transit....but it's blissfully quiet here...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 01, 2008, 10:39:58 AM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from
algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a littlebehind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp
wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on
a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was
taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to
juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got
a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe
sects!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 01, 2008, 11:10:15 AM

Most definitely a coffee-snorting post, Birdy.....wonderful!   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 01, 2008, 10:18:46 PM
Thanks for those, Birdy. They've been safely stored on my PC for a rainy day.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 02, 2008, 01:49:25 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 02, 2008, 02:03:42 AM
Cute little chucklers, those -- thanks, toni!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on October 04, 2008, 09:34:08 PM
This came my way today - has it been posted before? It seems so clever - who has the time to work these things out?!!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 05, 2008, 11:27:15 AM
Now, those are clever, smaug! Glad someone else has that kind of time to amaze and amuse us.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 06, 2008, 01:35:04 AM
So clever!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 06, 2008, 03:59:49 AM
I like those smaug..
Thanks for that... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 07, 2008, 08:28:51 AM

Following the problems with Lehmann Bros and the sub-prime lending market in the USA uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 07, 2008, 10:09:46 AM
It's very funny, binks, and hits pretty close to home ... 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 07, 2008, 10:45:29 AM

Yes - somewhat black humour considering current events. :(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on October 07, 2008, 11:37:33 AM
Very clever Binks
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 08, 2008, 09:49:09 PM
This is for anyone who's been ticketed for something stupid:

Circle Flies...

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?"

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, "Well, that’s a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 09, 2008, 06:23:45 PM
Loved it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 11, 2008, 04:43:27 AM
Brilliant....  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 14, 2008, 02:16:52 AM
 (Just to put things on a proper footing, so to speak)

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner  that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use  for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.  So he asked the centipede in the box,  "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

Silence - there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him
again,  "How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?" Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He
decided to ask him one more time.

This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:  "I heard you the first time ! I'm
putting my  shoes on!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 14, 2008, 05:29:04 AM
Useful work phrases

Thank you.  We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don’t give a damn.

I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I?  Flypaper for freaks?

I’m not being rude.  You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never?  Is never good for you?

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.

Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don’t work here.  I’m a consultant.

Who me?  I just wander from room to room.

My toys!  My toys!  I can’t do this job without my toys!

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 14, 2008, 09:30:49 AM

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Thanks, Birdy.....I've already passed them on !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 14, 2008, 09:35:50 AM

Now here's a headline you don't see every day -

      "DiCaprio film beaten by Chihuahua"

(Today's BBC entertainment news!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 14, 2008, 12:46:28 PM
Is it his fault if DiCaprio can't spell?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on October 14, 2008, 01:20:44 PM
Regarding: My toys!  My toys!  I can’t do this job without my toys!

This is all too true.  I could not do my job as effectively without my toys.  I have a shelf of them, and they do come in handy.

Long story short, I frequently have to tell engineers to wait when they have problems of less priority.  This is a fact of life.  I point to my shelf of toys.

I maintain a shelf of toys to interest engineers.  This includes meteorite fragments, fossils, really odd crystaline structures, odd minerals like ulexite, a stuffed ebola virus (not to scale), and a selection of design awards for products they have never heard of.

Once I am able to get to them, they are usually in a better mood.

Between you and me, this is a method to manipulate their attitudes from the time they walk in the door.  OMG!  Does this mean I am a hag?  What is the male equivalent of hag?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 14, 2008, 09:30:04 PM
Troll?


I have toys, too, that I keep on shelves. Old Star Wars figures, fossilized clams, and all sorts of wheeled windups!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 15, 2008, 08:04:11 AM
                                           A Mathematical Fable With A Moral

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singularexpressioncrossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

“Eureka” she gasped.

“Ho Ho” he said, “what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you’re absolutely bubbling over with secs.”

“Oh Sir”, she protested, “keep away from me, I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself, my dear,” said our suave operator, “your fears are purely imaginary.”

“i,i,” she thought. “Perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

“What order are you,” the brute demanded.

“Seventeen”, replied Polly.

Curly leered. “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet”, he said.

“Of course no,” Polly exclaimed indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent”.

“Come, come,” said Curly, “lets off to a decimal place I know and I’ll take you to the limit”.

“Never” gasped Polly.

“EXCHLF” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 15, 2008, 08:29:07 AM
Or, always listen to your mother.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 17, 2008, 08:09:50 PM
                                           Words That Don't Exist, But Really Should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 17, 2008, 08:42:51 PM
         
                                  What's In A Name?



1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
4. If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
5. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
6. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
7. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton
John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
8. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster,
she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
9. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
10. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
11. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.
12. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou,
he'd be
Boog Alou.
13. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him
to marry
Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
14. Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other
name, so he
uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard
Hughes, and
then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved
on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
16. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),
she would
then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on October 17, 2008, 09:03:09 PM
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

You've seen my car haven't you Binkie!  Are you lurking around my neighbourhood?????   Anyway, who needs clean car windows when you can have happy puppies instead  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 17, 2008, 09:35:03 PM

My sentiments exactly, Geo.(and no, I haven't been spying on you, honestly!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 18, 2008, 09:42:00 AM
We may as well laugh! 

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS for 2008 and beyond.

CEO—Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO—Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET—A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET—A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING—The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO—The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.

BROKER—What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR—Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST—Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT—When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER—A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION—The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW—The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO—What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.

WINDOWS—What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR—Past year investor who’s now locked up in a
nuthouse.

PROFIT—An archaic word no longer in use.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 18, 2008, 10:14:41 AM

I don't know whether to laugh or cry !   :D  :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 19, 2008, 12:11:07 AM
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Binks, you wouldn't believe how many times I've done just this! It's almost a matter of honour. I've even spoken to the vacuum cleaner and said, "You WILL pick it up." Need to get out more I think.

This might amuse you all. It was printed in a newspaper:



Subject: LETTER FROM INLAND REVENUE...
This was in The Guardian 27/9/03

 Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organization, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a  "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
 
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
 
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system.

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
 
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.
 
Yours Sincerely,
 
H J Lee Customer Relations

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 20, 2008, 01:24:30 AM
A great example for some of our bureaucrats to follow.  Note how H J Lee remained polite at all times.  Note how he addressed all of Mr. Addison's complaints and provided a reasoned answer to each, instead of sending a vague form letter saying in effect, "Tough noogies.  We're the IRS.  We have the power.  Pay up or go to jail."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 20, 2008, 01:27:10 AM
I would love to have seen the letter that H J Lee received! Tough noogies, birdy? That's a new one on me!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 20, 2008, 07:08:23 AM
You'll see lots of examples if you google it, Pat.  I know, because I had to google it to see how to spell it - it's something I've heard but not read.  It came from Saturday Night Live (a very popular TV show), as far as I know.  The expression itself is basically just a way to say "What do I care?  It's your pain, not mine." 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 20, 2008, 08:18:55 AM

This is sure to earn me some undying hatred.........



                                   Top 15 Household Pet Dishes



15> Angelfish Cake
14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13> Chow Chow Mein
12> Bran Muffy
11> Eggs BenjiDict
10> Yorkieshire pudding
9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7> Shrimp Cockatiel
6> Fettucine AlFido
5> Chicken Poodle Soup
4> Turtlellini
3> Lhasa Thermidor
2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 20, 2008, 06:27:08 PM
Oh I'm laughing so much my sides are aching!  I have had NO time this last week to even pop in, so I had a whole week's worth of laughter this morning.  Thanks everyone!

Loved the pet menu Birdy!

I was speaking to one of the teachers about one of my little Korean pupils when she told me that one of the other teachers had brought her puppy to school.  All the kids were oohing and aahing except another of my pupils, a VERY bright little chap, who raised his eyebrows and announced "Where I come from, we eat those!"  It brought the class to shocked silence and must have given him a good giggle.  Although the Koreans did eat dogs, not many of them do these days and they get quite upset if anyone thinks they do.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 20, 2008, 10:24:21 PM
Binkie! That is SO haggish! I know it's coming up to hallowe'en but even so...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 23, 2008, 09:10:44 PM
 
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten
roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.
Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he
was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't
rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer
Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane
Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they
also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on October 23, 2008, 09:27:16 PM
Clever Kevin - and who said fowl were brainless.  Loved it Binkie -  corny, but don't fowl just love corn????
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 23, 2008, 11:30:25 PM
Bet there were a lot of feminists clucking about those awards.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 24, 2008, 10:51:19 AM
I've actually seen a chicken at a state fair play tic-tac-toe -- and won most of the contest vs. humans! It was a riot!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 24, 2008, 11:00:21 AM

You cannot be serious! You canNOT be serious!  So how was it done?  Sleight of beak ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 25, 2008, 01:26:26 AM
Wonder what would happen if one chicken played against another?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 25, 2008, 01:42:58 AM
It would truly be a contest of birdbrains!  >:D

And yes, to wit -- I have proof that such things exist --

Peck around this website, http://www.casinochicken.com/

and here's a video of an ongoing challenge: http://garygreen.com/Trump3.MPG
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 25, 2008, 08:15:49 PM

The talk of chickens leads smoothly into the following article on how to boil an egg, according to different TV chefs. Not sure if they're all familiar to non-English or non-Australian forumites, though!

Jamie Oliver
 
Hello tigers. Right, it's come to my attention that, while the kids of this country are starting to eat proper at school, they're not cooking for themselves. So, it is now my mission to teach the kids to boil an egg. We can take this all the way to Downing Street.

First of all, what we need is an egg. For me free range is the way to go. The chickens don't suffer and the eggs don't suffer either. We don't want any of those rubbish factory-farm eggs, we want a real pukka natural one. I think it's really important to protect the chickens; we'll take this all the way to Downing Street if we have to. So, where do you get the best free range eggs? You can get them all over the place really. You can raise your own chickens, you can go to your local farm. I get mine from Sainsbury's. They do beautiful eggs. With those bad boys in our shopping bags, we're ready to cook.

Right, so what you do is you get some water, yeah, and put it in a pan. Just wazz it in. All I do, right, is heat it up. It's very easy, just turn a knob and it's all good. Add a bit of olive oil in there to make it proper lovely. Now we get our beautiful, ethically-sourced Sainsbury's egg and just whack that bad boy in. Drizz in a bit more olive oil for that extra sexy touch. Now we just wait for, like, three minutes. More if you've got a really big egg from Sainsbury's: a real whopper. But you've gotta keep an eye on it, you know, in case the egg starts to crack, or the water needs more olive oil. Then, when you're all finished, just whip your egg out and plonk it in the cup. Get out your freshly-baked Sainsbury's wholemeal bread, a little olive oil: beautiful. You can really taste the difference.

Nigella Lawson
 
How do you like your eggs in the morning? When I come downstairs first thing, before I get dressed, before I've had my long, luxuriously indulgent bath, I spoil myself with a boiled egg. It needs to be firm on the outside, yet giving. It must be warm and inviting on the inside, like the candlelit bath which awaits me upstairs. There's nothing I love more than to dip my toast into a rich lake of oozingly golden yellow, leaving it dripping with yolk.

I like a large egg, with a creamy, milky white shell. There's no real reason for the colour; it's just a personal fancy of mine. I put a saucepan on the stove and get the water nice and hot. I always cook two eggs together. To me, things just always seem better in pairs. When the time is right, I lower them gently into their steaming bath. I then just sit back, relax and let the rippling bubbles do their business. Three minutes later and it's time to withdraw.

As important as the preparation is, for me, the eating is key. Take your extremely wet egg and dry it with a little white tea towel, stroking gently and purposefully. I then grab my spoon by the handle and tap the top of the egg, softly at first and gradually getting harder and harder. Don't rush when picking away the shell. Strip it slowly; you don't want to miss a spot. Then finally, whip the top off with the spoon, leaving the merest hint of white guarding the yolk. I already have my firm, toasted soldiers at hand, ready for action. It is now just a matter of using them to break through, allowing that marvellous eruption of yolk to burst forth. Dig in and enjoy. I know I will.
 


Gordon Ramsay

Alright f***ers, let's go boil a fu***ing egg. Any chef worth his weight in pig s**t should know how to boil an egg. It's not as easy as it looks. If any little a***-licker tells you it's easy, then tell them that they're a real cocky little s**t who needs a f***ing good kicking.

Now first things first, we need to heat up the water. Oh, s**t! That's f***ing hot! Perfect. Next, you get your egg. You need these to be f***ing good. High quality. Free range. Fresh, you know, straight from the chicken's a**e. Put it into the water. Don't use a poncy little spoon. God gave you a pair of f***ing hands. Use them. Ah, f***, that's hot! Now, we wait for two minutes, fifty-seven seconds. Time it however you want, I don't give a s**t. Use your watch, use a poncy little egg-timer, use the f***ing speaking clock if you have to, just don't you use a f***ing mobile phone, that sort of thing really p***es me off. Just get the time right, because if you do, your egg is going to be bloody great. Boiled egg, done.



Delia Smith
 
Boiling eggs is an easy task really, providing you follow some simple rules. Never boil an egg that has come straight from the fridge; it might crack and end up looking unsightly. Never boil the water to much more than a gentle simmer; I find doing otherwise to be unnecessary and rather vulgar. Finally, never drink too much wine whilst watching your beloved Norwich City Football Club play and then get on the public address system at half time to slur insults at the fans.

We start by filling our saucepan about three-quarters full with cold tap water. A small saucepan works well enough, but for best results, I use one of these special egg boiling pans. You can get them from most specialist cooking shops and Waitrose. They're the perfect size to support the egg and have a nice chrome finish. We continue by heating the water to a gentle simmer and then lower the egg into the liquid with a tablespoon, or an eggspoon if you have one. They're normally sold alongside the pan.

I personally don't like my yolk too runny and so leave it for three and a half minutes, or about the same time it takes to drink a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. If you like a runny yolk, then cook your egg for three minutes (Pinot Grigio), or four minutes (Merlot) if you like it firm.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 25, 2008, 10:30:15 PM
Great stuff, binks! The Gordon Ramsay bit cracked me up!  >:D   
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 25, 2008, 10:50:22 PM
I wish I could claim it as my own, but it was anonymous!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 26, 2008, 01:29:47 AM
Unless anonymous can stand up and claim it, I'll credit you with it anyway. It sounds like something you'd write!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 26, 2008, 01:33:05 AM
All those recipes for one little old boiled oeuf....who would have thought..

I'll go with Nigellas.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 27, 2008, 04:12:12 AM
Nigellas? flowers?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on October 27, 2008, 04:15:39 AM
She meant Nigella's, birdy ... as in Nigella Lawson ... domestic goddess (bit like me!) ... NOT!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 27, 2008, 04:49:25 AM
Thanks for explaining LL...yes i meant Nigella's recipe [see above] for the boiled eggs....

She could make tripe sound like sexy eating..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 27, 2008, 04:59:17 AM
Ah! missed that - had forgotten her name, since I'm not familiar with most of those egg-cookers.  Of course, there's no reason I would be - I'm not even familiar with the concept of egg-cooking.  Though I am familiar with the concept of cooked eggs - they often appear on a plate at one of my favorite breakfast restaurants.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 27, 2008, 09:55:30 AM
You will have to take us to some then..i'm looking forward to pancakes and eggs 'over easy [?]'......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 27, 2008, 10:28:36 PM
I cried with laughter over those Binkie.  I could just hear the voices!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 28, 2008, 11:46:42 AM
I love this one. ...  :D



A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 28, 2008, 12:58:31 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D   
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 28, 2008, 05:07:53 PM

I like like-minded people... a bit like-minded anyway.. well, people with bits of their minds that are like the bits of my mind that I like...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on October 28, 2008, 10:28:37 PM
I spluttered and howled over this one that my son sent me:


Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
------------
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:


1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on October 29, 2008, 07:07:06 AM

Love 'em, Toni!   :D :D :D

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife..

"Yes!" he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're going to hate me for this -


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"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2008, 12:10:59 PM
Thanks to you and toni for giving me a hearty lift/laugh after a long sloggy day! Cheers mates!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 03, 2008, 07:23:00 AM

No Sex since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by  a local liberal arts college.  There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It  looks  like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,  "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are.  You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room, where she proceeded to relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 03, 2008, 10:24:02 AM
Gotta love those guys in uniform!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 03, 2008, 10:32:53 AM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 09, 2008, 12:26:11 PM

                                          Birth Order Of Children


1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Baby clothes:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappy changing:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on November 09, 2008, 09:37:22 PM
Binkie, that was lovely (and rather too close to the truth for comfort!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2008, 11:26:17 PM
Oh, yes - although I only had two, I could see the rapid downhill slide!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 10, 2008, 01:54:58 AM
You managed to bring to the fore all my guilty feelings that i had long ago buried Binx...

My dilemma was which baby to see to and which to ignore....so the one making the loudest noise/smelling the worst etc. got seen to first...prioritise....what a wonderful word that is!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2008, 08:53:10 AM

Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on November 11, 2008, 05:03:30 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

This is quite a laugh!

>
>
> Male or Female?    You might not have known this, but a lot of non -
> living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some
> examples:
>
>
> FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
> you can see right through them.
>
> PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a
> while to warm them up again.
> They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
> pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
>
> TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often
> over inflated
>
> HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
> anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
>
> SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
> retain water.
>
> WEB PAGES:
> Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
> getting hit on.
>
> TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
> for picking up people.
>
> EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
> shifts to the bottom.
>
> HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly
> changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
>
> THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
> male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be
> lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to
> push, he just keeps trying
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2008, 10:58:02 PM
Thanks, again, toni and binks, for the profuse doses of laughter!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2008, 12:47:19 AM
Three Pints of Guinness ...

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2008, 01:02:37 AM
Begorrah!   ;D ;D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2008, 02:38:38 AM
 >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2008, 07:30:54 AM
Always nice to see logic in action.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2008, 08:58:52 PM
A city teacher was sent to a country school to stand in for another teacher who was on leave.

When she first entered the classrom, she introduced herself to the children, and had them stand and introduce themselves to her, to break the ice .

She then thought, OK , I'll test out these country kids, and see what they know. She pinned a picture of a cow to the blackboard, and asked "Can anyone tell me what this is?"

The classroom was just a sea of blank faces.

She was dumbfounded

She tried again.. "C'mon, now?.... Surely SOMEONE can tell me what it is?"

A little boy at the rear of the class hesitantly raised his hand...and asked "Do yer reckin I can take a closer look?"

So the teacher called him forward, and he perused the picture at close range, for a minute or so, and then said

"Well. it looks like a fresian cross Brahmin-Charolet , but why the heck anyone would do that, is beyond me!"


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 18, 2008, 12:55:59 AM
Ah - local expertise!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 25, 2008, 08:43:27 AM

I would like to share with you my personal philospophy...........

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 27, 2008, 12:23:37 AM
These kids sure have no problem communicating with God - right to the point!

Kids' Prayers
==============

1.  Dear God,
Please  put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good  in there now.
Amanda



2.  Dear God,
Thank you for  the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for  anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce



3.   Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to  come
apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a  shot.
Janet



4.  God,
I read the bible.
What  does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love,  Alison



5.  Dear God,
How did you know you were  God?
Who told you?
Charlene



6.  Dear God,
Is  it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf
words in the  house?
Anita



7.  Dear God,
I bet it's very hard  for you to love all of everybody in the
whole world.
There are only  4 people in our family and I can never do  it.
Nancy



8.  Dear God,
I like the story about  Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I  like walking on water, too.
Glenn



9.  Dear  God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How  far back do you go?
Love, Dennis



10.  Dear  God,
Do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who  does?
Nathan



11.  Dear God,
Did you mean for  giraffes to look like that or was it  an
accident?
Norma



12.  Dear God,
In Bible  times, did they really talk that  fancy?
Jennifer



13.  Dear God,
How come you did  all those miracles in the old days and don't do
any  now?
Billy



14.  Dear God,
Please send Dennis  Clark to a different summer camp this  year.
Peter



15.  Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel  would not kill each other so much if they
each had their own  rooms.
It works out OK with me and my  brother.
Larry



16.  Dear God,
I keep waiting for  spring, but it never did come yet.
What's up?  Don't  forget.
Mark



17.  Dear God,
My brother told me  about how you were born,
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do  you say?
Marsha



18.  Dear God,
If you watch in  church on Sunday,
I will show you my new  shoes.
Barbara



19.  Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a  friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the  business?
Donny



20.  Dear God,
I do not think  anybody could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know  that.
I am not just saying that because you are already  God.
Charles



21.  Dear God,
It is great the way  you always get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with  the moon?
Jeff



22.  Dear God,
I am doing the  best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank



23.  Dear  God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the  sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really  cool.
Thomas
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2008, 04:35:36 AM
I want Thomas please...

Can you deliver?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on November 27, 2008, 11:49:08 PM
I like Charlene's logic myself (no 5). That girl will go places!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2008, 02:33:03 AM
I'm sending those to all my family and friends -- that is soooo cool, birdy! Thanks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 28, 2008, 08:01:48 AM

Superman, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Superman said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but
sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were
true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to
confirm for them whether Superman was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the
most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their
findings.

The next day Superman walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest
man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said...






" Who the hell is Binkie ? ? ?"



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2008, 08:43:55 AM
Hi-larious, binks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 28, 2008, 02:39:19 PM
Poor Angelina - outshone by our Binkie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 29, 2008, 09:12:11 AM
Binx you minx, Did i not send you that in an email?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 29, 2008, 07:08:28 PM
Quite possibly, T my friemd. All is fair in forum and war, of course. I do beg your forgiveness if I stole your limelight......blame it on early onset Alzheimers, or simple fuddle-mindedness.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 29, 2008, 08:18:59 PM


So where is everyone ? I make a determind effort to visit the forum, and what happens ?  Nada...nothing...zilch.
WHERE IS EVERYONE   ?  Come back, come back, wherever you are !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 29, 2008, 11:18:04 PM
Hiya, binks! I'm here ... sometimes ... not when you are, but I'm still enjoying all your wonderful ramblings!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 30, 2008, 03:33:29 AM
I will forgive you binx......cos that's just the kind of guy i am ???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 30, 2008, 03:37:36 AM
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
Poison control centre..
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
Daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
Harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
Hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
That she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
Ants..
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
Right away..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 30, 2008, 03:39:03 AM

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the
Branch and wrote this. 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing
In line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
Someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
Reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street
To the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
Note to the teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
Brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
Stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip
And that he would either have to fill out a NASB deposit slip or go back
To Bank of Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
The Bank of Queensland ..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 30, 2008, 03:42:45 AM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:    No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS :   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:   I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:    We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS:    We do.
ATTOR NEY: You do?
WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know; about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:    Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Uh.... I was getting' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________ ____________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the t ime that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________ __
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you chec k for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on December 01, 2008, 05:19:54 PM
Oh T, you've made my day!  I've sent those on to a whole bunch of friends and family.

It's good to be back in the forum having a laugh.  I'm so busy at the moment I hardly have time to breath.  My Tim and his girlfriend arrive in 11 days time, Chris and John a few days later and I'm trying madly to think about feeding them and coping with Christmas with almost non-existent money.  Last Thursday was book club at my house, which was hectic as we start at 7pm but I can only get home from teaching my 7:15, so Joan had to get there early for me.  I had partially cooked in the morning, so that was ok.  Then I am trying to sort lessons plans and teaching aids for January when I'm teaching Korean kids coming in for 7 weeks of English in sunny South Africa.  I'll still have Tim here when I have to start, so I want as much prep done as possible.  So please forgive me everyone if I seem to have vanished!  I'll pop in whenever I can.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2008, 08:54:50 PM
                 
                                     Brains Of Britain


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester




BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.



THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.



BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?



GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. . ..

Richard:
He makes bread . . .

Contestant:
Er . ....

Richard:
He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:
Kipling Street?



LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?




CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country isMount Etna?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:
Er ..... Mexico ?



PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er. .. ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?



THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.



LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.



STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 01, 2008, 10:17:47 PM
Hilarious, Binx .... here's one of my favourites ...

FAMILY FORTUNES:

Name a bird with a long neck.

Naomi Campbell.


 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on December 01, 2008, 11:33:32 PM
Loved them, Binks. The Weakest Link is on every weekday over here. It's a pretty naff show but I usually watch it for the ridiculous and amusing answers the contestants sometimes give.

One of my favourites was something along the lines of 'Which creature is commonly known by the name that literally means "having one hundred feet"?'

Answer: The giraffe.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on December 01, 2008, 11:36:25 PM
Oh Binx, two lots of hilarity in one day!!  I loved them, thanks.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 02, 2008, 05:36:40 AM
Loved them!  I see that a common theme is an abysmal lack of knowledge of geography.  It's a lack shared here.  At one point in the '60s or '70s, the Powers That Be decided that geography was no longer relevant and dropped it from the curriculum.  I think eventually it was restored, but too late for lots of people.

But ignorance isn't limited to that generation.  I remember stories about postal workers who wanted to charge a customer for foreign postage when he was mailing a letter to New Mexico.

Oh, but this thread is for humor - let me get off it before I have us all in tears.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 05, 2008, 08:37:48 PM
What do you call a miniature donkey?

A dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg?

A wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, and making love?

A bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, and farting?

A stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, and wearing blue suede shoes?

A Honky Tonky, stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, wearing Blue Suede shoes, and playing the piano?

A plinky plonky, honky tonky, stinky, bonky, winky, wonky, dinky donkey!!!!

What do you call a miniature donkey, with one leg, one eye, making love, farting, wearing Blue Suede shoes, playing the piano, and driving a Bus??????























Bloody Talented!!















Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 05, 2008, 11:10:36 PM
Hee-haw -- very bloody funny, binks! (snort, snort)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 06, 2008, 12:40:26 AM
And try describing that donkey out loud - what a tongue-twister.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2008, 09:34:11 AM
.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 07, 2008, 01:31:17 AM
 ;D ;D ;D Bah, humbug!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 07, 2008, 01:39:09 AM
Ditto ... and, presactly!  >:D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 11, 2008, 04:27:59 AM
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south
west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm  - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping
in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots
and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to
stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew  like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time  all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' -  geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's
bum  and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka  last
year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the  target -
it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges,  they comes
in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against  the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and
Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya  know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him  till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.



Your
loving daughter,

Sheila

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2008, 07:23:19 AM
Yep T, they breed 'em tough in the Australian outback.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2008, 11:21:31 AM
Bloody marvelous!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 12, 2008, 08:47:45 AM
It's all so true!   :D








   This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.



As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 12, 2008, 05:56:00 PM
Binkie, prepare yourself for a visit from the police.  They may be visiting you, since I named you as the cause for my disturbing the peace at 2 a.m. as I howled with laughter.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 13, 2008, 12:41:42 PM
Bloody good stuff that duct tape...i can vouch for it  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 13, 2008, 11:33:50 PM
It'll fix whatever's broke!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 14, 2008, 07:34:48 AM
Subject: Dear Family & Friends

 


Just before the end of the year, I want to thank you all for the
e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat
shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
are sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million
dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to
watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites
my bum.

I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park
because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.

By the way......a South American scientist after a lengthy study
has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always
read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 14, 2008, 08:57:32 AM
You mean that Nigerian letter isn't real?  They sounded sooooo sincere! >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 14, 2008, 11:26:52 AM
Sorry mate...what can i tell you???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 14, 2008, 12:47:35 PM
I loved it, though, T! Such a great example of what we get inundated with daily, and in heaping doses.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 15, 2008, 12:56:46 AM
It won't take but a second or two for our esteemed and brilliant forumates to translate this very elaborate version of something they have heard since childhood:

"Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member."

In plain English, what is it?

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 15, 2008, 01:49:40 AM
Could it be the tale of Jack and Jill?  All makes perfect sense to me but then I do have to read a lot of jargon ridden articles!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 15, 2008, 08:18:17 AM
Yes, of course! I knew you'd suss it out quickly! Congrats, LL! Wonderful to hear from you again!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 17, 2008, 07:21:11 AM

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....






"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."







Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 17, 2008, 10:57:59 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

This brought to mind the classic (and very dated) Cheech and Chong bit, "Santa Claus and His Old Lady". It's an acquired taste.

Google it on YouTube and it will pop up. I tried posting it as a link, but something went horribly awry!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 18, 2008, 02:33:17 AM
And now for a little classical music in honor of mothers everywhere - and a reminder for their children.

http://www.vimeo.com/1509073?pg=embed&sec=1509073
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 18, 2008, 02:01:56 PM
And now for something silly.........

The Indian With One Testicle

 

 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
 
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone
again, I will kill them!'

 

 
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

 

 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

 
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman 
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

 

 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, 
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

 

 

 
Why ???

 

 

 

 
OH, come on . take a guess !!!

 

 

 

 
Think about it !!!

 

 

 

 
You're going to love this !!!

 

 

 

 
Everyone knows...

 
You can't kill Two Birds
 
with   OneStone!!!

 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 18, 2008, 11:09:00 PM
Thanks for the chuckle, geo!   ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 19, 2008, 08:53:15 AM
It was nearly worth the wait.... ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 20, 2008, 10:58:55 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 20, 2008, 11:00:40 AM


This is most strange......I've been trying to post a joke and I keep getting the dreaded Forbidden page. It's a nice clean story, too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on December 20, 2008, 11:03:35 AM
It's a nice clean story, too!

That must be the problem, Binkie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 20, 2008, 11:04:02 AM

I just finished putting up the Christmas tree and  I found a present for the kids that got forgotten last year.

You should have seen their faces when they opened it.



Poor kitten
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 20, 2008, 11:04:32 AM


and no, that wasn't the story!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 20, 2008, 11:15:09 AM
 :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 21, 2008, 01:38:03 PM



With Christmas bearing down you may be starting to get desperate for present ideas. Well, ladies, lucky for you this handy list will be more than helpful...

RULE 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

RULE 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.

RULE 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. Washer fluid, wheel gloss or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

RULE 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like 200 hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.

RULE 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.

RULE 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.

Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No woman knows why!



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 21, 2008, 03:00:31 PM
Reversing the rule, binks, men should always buy women shiny, glittery things. And they never know why, either!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 21, 2008, 03:04:40 PM

Ain't that the truth!  Excuse the delay in answering.....I've just discovered a website (Radio Time) that lets me listen to radio stations all over the world. Not only that....you can search for a particular program and find which station is or will be playing it. Consequently, I've spent the last hour laughing uproariously, listening to "My Music" and "My Word". They're both fairly ancient BBC radio programmes, but exceptionally clever and funny. Do you know them ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 21, 2008, 04:02:05 PM
Sorry, I haven't heard of them, but if you're laughing, I'm sure they're wonderful.

Could you copy a link for me here? I'd love to tune in.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 21, 2008, 04:30:35 PM

Sorry, Threeb.....got distracted again. The site is    www.radiotime.com/Index.aspx. Interestingly, I was listening to a British programme being broadcast by 91.7KXOT in Tacoma, WA!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on December 21, 2008, 09:20:41 PM
Binkie - did you know that you can buy radios that tune in to internet radio stations all over the world? You might ask why buy a radio when you can listen free on your computer. If your PC is always switched on and in a room where you spend most of your time there's no reason, but these radios can be placed anywhere in the house (as long as you have a wireless internet connection, otherwise they need to be connected via a cable) and used even when your PC is off. They can even play music lists from your PC, although the PC needs to be switched on for that. The only criterion is that you need Broadband. If you're feeling really flush you can even buy one that doubles as an iPod dock.

I bought one a couple of months ago. You can select by country or genre, simply by scrolling through lists using a menu wheel. I understand there are in excess of 4000 stations to choose from!

Sorry if you already knew all of this.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 21, 2008, 10:04:53 PM

No, I didn't know that, Pat. That's amazing ! I shall definitely have to investigate. Luckily we do have wireless broadband. I'll let you know how I get on!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on December 21, 2008, 11:49:25 PM
Mine is a Roberts Wi-Fi Internet Radio WM-201 and I'm really pleased with it. I think I bought it from Amazon.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 25, 2008, 10:12:10 AM
John woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the
garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating.

John, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table 250
Hot Breakfast 3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 02, 2009, 08:48:43 PM

Haven't had a lot of time to look in on the forum, thanks to Christmas and New Year, but I thought you might like this email I received from my father. Since getting a computer, he and Mum have had a ball, and silly emails have been winging their way back and forth.
Bear in mind that Dad was a pilot with BEA for many years, before they became British Airways. He swears that these are true stories!



The scene. Manchester airport where I am waiting to operate the Man. Birmingham Paris service but have delayed the flight for one hour due thick fog in Brum. (Birmingham)
Phone call from pompous little Duty Officer in Brum, anxious to get rid of his passengers without having to feed them "Captain, the weather is improving, I've been out on the tarmac and you can see the sun"
Me, "I suppose that makes the visibility 93 million effing miles then, we'll take off at once".


The scene. Manchester airport. I am on about 2 mile finals to touch down.
Control tower "Reports of large flocks of birds flying backwards and forwards across final approach"
Me. "Forwards I'll believe"

The scene. Dublin airport.
Having diverted into Dublin on a London to Shannon flight and with the Shannon weather now improving (93 million miles) we taxi out for take off.
Control  " Bealine Pappa Juliet  is cleared at flight level 260 on Blue 2 ,left turn after take off and avoiding the Ballymuck firing area"
As it is not on our charts the F.O (Flight Officer) has to ask what it is and it's position.  (Please adopt a very Irish accent )....".Well now it's the Irish army firing up to 40,000 feet and it lies about 15 miles S.West....no, I tell a lie, that would be 12 miles S.S west ... hang on now, me mate says it's.....oh well, they're not very good shots anyway, you're clear for take off"

Lots and lots of love from her indoors and me,Dad.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 03, 2009, 12:23:19 AM
Great story, T! Thanks for the chuckle, mate.

And, binks -- that was brilliant -- your dad must write a book!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 03, 2009, 12:53:30 AM
Here are a couple of other little larfs I just found:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"


*************

Ponderings for the New Year ...

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 03, 2009, 02:04:39 AM
No to the last one [the first part anyway]...they are too young to appreciate it at the time, and too old by the time they do...
...as to the 2nd part- i'm saying nothing  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 09, 2009, 03:32:49 PM

This is an essay written by Hugh Gallagher when applying to New York University. He graduated from NYU in May 1994. In 1995, this essay was reprinted in The Guardian.



Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello...I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail...Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration...My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 10, 2009, 01:33:54 AM
That was brilliant, binks. He must have learned it from you!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 22, 2009, 08:10:12 AM
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia,
which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

(It really needs to be read out loud!)

 
 

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."


Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"


G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


RS: "Ow July den?"


G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"


G: "Crisp will be fine."


RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"


G: "What?"


RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"


G: "I don't think so."


RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"


G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew on juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"


G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."


RS: "We bodder?"


G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."


RS: "Wad?"


G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."


RS: "Copy?"

G:  Excuse me?"

RS:  Copy...tea...meel?"


G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."


RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"


G: "Whatever you say."

RS: Tenjewberrymuds."


G : "You're very welcome."




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 23, 2009, 12:18:56 AM
...and i thought July came just before August....silly me  :-X

Thanks Binx...very funny!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 28, 2009, 08:45:30 AM
Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people1 -

First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor

Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

And had breezed through the questions until I read

The last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the

Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,

Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question

Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if

The last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers,

You will meet many people.  All are significant. They

Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do

Is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her

Name was Dorothy.



2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain


One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American

Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway

Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had

Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally

Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man

Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and

Put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his

Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a

Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a

Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A

Special note was attached.

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway

The other night. The rain drenched not only my

Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along.

Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying

Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God

Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving

Others."


Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.



3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those

Who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,

A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and

Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in

Front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and

Studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the

Waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on

The table and walked away The boy finished the ice

Cream, paid the cashier and left..  When the waitress

Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the

Table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,

Were two nickels and five pennies..

You see,  he couldn't  have the sundae, because he had

To have enough left to leave her a tip.



4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a

Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if

Anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of the

King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by

And simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the

King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did

Anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of

Vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the

peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the

stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing

and straining, he finally succeeded. After the

peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed

a purse lying in the road where the boulder had

been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note

from the King indicating that the gold was for the

person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The

peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve

our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a

hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who

was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only

chance of recovery appeared to be a blood

transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had

miraculously survived the same disease and had

developed the antibodies needed to combat the

illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her

little brother, and asked the little boy if he would

be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a

deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save

her."  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed

next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing

the color returning to her cheek. Then his face

grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a

trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the

doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his

sister all of his blood in order to save her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 28, 2009, 12:48:19 PM
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL??? 
Try it without looking at answers. No peeping otherwise you'll ruin it!!!!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1- 9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
5) Add the digits together
Now scroll down..........................




Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :
1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Hitler 
9. Greenone
10. Barack Obama
Believe it!

PS…..Stop picking different numbers.
I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 28, 2009, 12:52:41 PM
My role model is anyone who could do that arithmetic in their head!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 28, 2009, 03:38:23 PM
My head appears to be a vast and empty space, unoccupied, with much room for such things . . .
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 29, 2009, 02:31:14 AM
Loved the 5 lessons   :angel: -- hated the math!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 30, 2009, 06:58:45 AM
Thanks matey...i liked it too...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 30, 2009, 10:29:32 PM
Trivia rather than humour:

You can not keep folding a piece of paper in half more than 7 times - go on, try it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 05, 2009, 03:09:36 PM
I did this one, along with a few other challenges, a few years ago.  There is a trick to it.

After each time you fold the paper, you must also unfold it.

Another of the challenges: I was also successful in my efforts to tear a phone book in half.

Page through the phone book until you are approximately half way through it, then rip it apart along its spine.  You have, indeed, ripped it in half.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 06, 2009, 01:19:30 AM
Someone emailed me a video on how to rip a phone book in half the traditional way.  I didn't try it to see if it could be done - I might need to look up a number. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 11, 2009, 04:47:35 AM
True Romance...
 

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)

















"THE TEETH"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 11, 2009, 05:10:45 AM
Really bad puns

 

 

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.   He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 11, 2009, 06:12:16 AM
Love 'em, techno. No. 18 reminded me of an equally bad joke:

A man went into a laundrette, raped one of the women in there and ran off. The next day's headlines read, 'Man screws washer and bolts.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on February 11, 2009, 08:13:24 AM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
   
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
   
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
   
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
   
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
   
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
   
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
   
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 11, 2009, 08:55:11 AM
All very useful tips Geo, thanks so much for those...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 11, 2009, 01:21:55 PM
Very useful indeed, especially the alarm clock one.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on February 11, 2009, 08:39:32 PM
I thought the alarm clock one was good too!  I also thought the toilet seat one was very funny - man's revenge  :)  These tips were sent to a guy I work with by his mate in the US - he sends lots of funny emails, but I keep forgetting to post them. Duh....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 12, 2009, 05:01:22 PM
Totally different topic . . . Is office humor fair game?

We have a mostly dysfunctional system for all of inventory control, resource planning, etc. for our global conglomerate corporation.

We have an alternate system to extract the raw data from the mostly dysfunctional system, so that we might be able to do something useful with it.

By random chance, I came to find out that this alternate system appears to be named after one of the major sewage treatment facilities here in the U.S.  How do you spell "appropriate"?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 15, 2009, 04:52:59 PM
is that word "appropriate" spelled "deliberate," a non-amos?  If so, they may have read this:

The Plan

In the Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves saying,
It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odors thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none abide it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.

And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company with powerful effects.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 15, 2009, 08:55:19 PM
Excellent, birdy, and oh so true!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 21, 2009, 02:54:19 PM
From an old friend, regarding a cowboy and his horse:

A cowboy rode into town, and stopped in front of the general store.  He got off the horse, and tied it up.  He then proceeded to the back end of the horse, lifted the tail, and gave it a big sloppy wet kiss that was dead center of where the sun doesn't shine.

An old timer, who had been leaning back on a chair in front of the general store, asked him, "Stranger, why the H**l did you do that?!?

The cowboy replied, "Well, I have these really terribly chapped lips."

The old timer asked, "What the H**l, you really think that will do any good for chapped lips?!?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, no, not directly.  But it sure as H**l will keep me from lickin' my lips!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 21, 2009, 03:54:22 PM
That's it then, my chapstick has been thrown away...my lip gloss is binned and my lipstick has been donated to charity....
Thanks for the tip...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 22, 2009, 01:58:49 AM
yeah, but where are you going to find a consenting horse?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 23, 2009, 02:53:24 AM
There are plenty of folk that behave like a horses arse...maybe one of them would suffice - perhaps not actually!!!! :-R

It is a problem Birdy....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 23, 2009, 07:50:23 AM
Hate to be so negative on a health issue...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 27, 2009, 01:51:47 AM
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

 
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality
gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
 
 
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
 
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
 
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
 
"Dear Sasha, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
 (which are easier to remove).
 
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her.
 
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since
she began wearing them.
 
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before
I have a chance to see you again.
 
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
 
All my love Ron.
 
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 02, 2009, 10:01:38 AM


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


     

    1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"


     

    2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


     

    3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


     

    4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


     

    5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."


     

    6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


     

    7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."


     

    8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"


     

    9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"


     

    10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."


     

    11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

    And the best one of all...


     

    12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 03, 2009, 12:16:12 AM
I like 12 the best.....very funny...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on March 03, 2009, 01:38:15 PM
On a related note . . .

A few years ago, the mother of a dear friend of mine had a problem with colon cancer.  The doctor had to remove half of her large intestine.

Having heard of this, I had to reply.  "So, she was left with a semi-colon?"

Everyone at the pub keeled over laughing, and I eventually found out that the mother had been an elementary school teacher who continues to be a stickler for proper grammar and punctuation.  The joke went over rather better than expected.

The joke immediately made its way to the patient, and then to the doctor.  The proctologist was on the floor laughing.

By my way of reckoning, this is not entirely bad.  If you can lighten the load of not only the patient but also the doctor, the day has not been entirely wasted.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 03, 2009, 09:18:56 PM
I love true stories Anon....

...and laughter is the best medicine of all....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: perdita on March 04, 2009, 01:23:27 PM


Someone has "cottoned on" to the semi colon situation..


 http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/05/semi_colon_underwear.html (http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2008/05/semi_colon_underwear.html)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on March 13, 2009, 12:57:40 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloooo,...........It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like a real idiot!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on March 13, 2009, 04:01:24 PM
Support your mate

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable.. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
 
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on October 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on March 13, 2009, 11:39:43 PM
Like it geo. The editor's note reminds me of a programme I once saw on TV about (bizarrely) people turning up at A & E with articles jammed firmly in orifices that weren't designed to accept them, or injuries cause by attempting to do same.

One woman presented with an injury caused by a vibrator (in the correct orifice  ;)). Her excuse was that she'd been standing naked in the bedroom, drying her hair, with the vibrator standing upright on the bed (that's a clever trick in itself!). The phone rang and in her haste to leap across the bed to answer it she accidentally sat on the vibrator.

Oh, it does do you good to have a good laugh.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 14, 2009, 09:52:52 AM
Jim would have been alive had he been married to me.  :angel:


I would have kicked him out after a few weeks of that attitude, so he would have been safe from his driver.
That will teach him to putt it about..... :-R

I saw that programme, or one similar Pat. It was the things men put in their orifices that had my eyes watering......OUCH!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Nova on March 15, 2009, 01:41:33 PM
Since this thread has given me many good laughs, here is as a return some very typical Finnish
humor:

An older couple sits at breakfast reading morning papers, when suddenly the wife asks:
"Seppo, do you still love me?"
The husband is quiet for a long time and finally replies:
"Pirkko, I still remember how we got married 23 years ago. I told you then that I love you.
If anything changes, I'll let you know!"

In Ostrobotnia (western coast of Finland, where the people are infamous for their temper)
a man goes to the hospital.
A nurse immediately notices that the man has a knife sticking from his back, and goes to get
a doctor.
The doctor then asks what is wrong with the patient and the nurse replies:
"Well, it's not lack of iron!"

These two seem to sum up nicely the stereotypes about Finns...

Nova
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 16, 2009, 03:23:25 AM
I love the understated humor -- it's really great, Nova. You are to be commended for your mastery of the English language.

You are perfect for the forum, then, Nova, for so many reasons. ... a woman who has a great sense of humor and is brilliantly literate as well! A plus on all fronts!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 16, 2009, 05:24:58 AM
Can I just say, "Ditto"?  So nice to have someone join us on the forum!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 16, 2009, 09:48:02 AM
Nova, it's good to know our humour has not been wasted....

Thanks for your jokes....i like the knife one best, that appeals to me a lot.  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 28, 2009, 07:20:05 AM
A few puns for the educated....

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much Pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker - but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.....

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste for religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 28, 2009, 07:23:08 AM
London Met Police Job Interview....


 




A man seeking to join the London Met's Firearms Department, is being
interviewed. The Chief Constable doing the interview says: "Your
qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that
you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a loaded service
pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot
twenty illegal imigrants, six drug dealers, sixty Muslim extremists, and a
rabbit."


" Why the rabbit?"


"Great attitude", says the Chief Constable. "When can you start?"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 28, 2009, 07:58:19 AM
This may have been posted before, but it's still funny!

An cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in ,

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.  He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of congress for the government", says the cowboy.

 "Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

”No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.  You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

 Now give me back my dog.”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 29, 2009, 03:02:07 AM
I like....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on April 29, 2009, 09:21:52 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 01, 2009, 06:10:50 AM
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL MEN WELCOME
FOR MEN ONLY
____________________________________________________________________________
_

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course including:
____________________________________________________________________________
_

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FL Y TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER
BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and
support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while shouting "It's not there!", You've moved it!" or 'We've
run out!" - Open forum
____________________________________________________________________________
_

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving
simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring
your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 03, 2009, 09:42:16 PM
That was good T.  I copied it and sent it to my daughter in law and nearly daughter in law.  All the men in my life would benefit from a course like that!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 04, 2009, 05:40:42 AM
Glad you liked it Toni....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 04, 2009, 06:59:53 AM
Thanks for the chuckles, T! I miss this thread a lot. Limited access and all that. By the time I get in on the chats, everyone's gone to sleep or are off enjoying the spring.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 05, 2009, 07:33:54 AM
If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.



I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'



-----------------------



This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.



It was a turtle disaster.



------------------------



I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.



She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'



-----------------------



I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'



The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star
sign it is.'



----------------------------



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet: 'Best
before End'



---------------------------



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue'.
I said 'No, just a watch.'



------------------------------



I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.'



The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'



--------------------------



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.



------------------------



I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'



He said, 'You've got cholera.'



---------------------------



I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.



I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.



----------------------------



I was reading this book today, The History of Glue.



I couldn't put it down.



----------------------------



I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.



---------------------------



The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?



I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'



--------------------------



I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.



I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'



He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'



----------------------



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.



He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'



--------------------------



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said,
'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'



----------------------------



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'



--------------------------------



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'



--------------------------



I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first'



He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'



------------------------------



I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted.



I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been
promoted even higher and I swerved again.



He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.



The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the
road'



----------------------



I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.



-------------------------



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires.



I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.



------------------------



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'



I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



---------------------------



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.



He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'



--------------------------------



I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'



He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'



--------------------------------



A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
'I'm just wondering, exactly how
do you prepare your chickens?'



'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going
to die.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 05, 2009, 07:37:28 AM
I groaned my way through them...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 05, 2009, 05:48:49 PM
All plays on words, which are often the funniest form of humour. Perhaps we should set a challenge to some of the forumites to come up with original snippets like these. Anyone up for it?

In the meantime, as is always the case when something major hits the headlines - in this case swine flu - the jokes start to appear:

"I tried to call the doctor the other day about swine flu but all I got was crackling".
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 05, 2009, 09:49:46 PM
Joan has just e-mailed me this one:

IRONY AT IT’S BEST
90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on May 06, 2009, 12:31:15 AM
Haha, T! Those were awesome. I might have to share the turtle one with my friend. :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 06, 2009, 05:16:57 AM
English Signs from Around the World



In a  Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge ,  Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office,  Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners,  Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a  Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving  Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN  GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a  Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel ,  Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF your UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel ,  Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a  Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in  Germany 's  Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR  BLACK  FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel,  Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides,  Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office,  Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS...

A laundry in  Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 07, 2009, 04:57:28 AM
      THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

      & Law of Mechanical Repair
      After your hands become coated with grease,

      your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

      & Law of Gravity
      Any tool, when dropped,
      will roll to the least accessible corner.

      & Law of Probability
      The probability of being watched is directly proportional
       to the stupidity of your act.

      & Law of Random Numbers
      If you dial a wrong number,
      you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

      & Law of the Alibi
      If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
      tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

      & Variation Law
      If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
      the one you were in will always move faster than
       the one you are in now (works every time)

      & Law of the Bath
      When the body is fully immersed in water,
      the telephone rings.

      & Law of Close Encounters
      The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
      when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

      & Law of the Result
      When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,  it will.

      & Law of Biomechanics
      The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
      to the reach.

      & Law of the Theater
      At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
      arrive last.

      & The Starbucks Law
      As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
      your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
      coffee is cold.

      & Murphy's Law of Lockers
      If there are only two people in a locker room,
      they will have adjacent lockers.

      & Law of Physical Surfaces
      The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a
      floor covering are directly correlated
      to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

      & Law of Logical Argument
      Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

      & Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
      If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

      & Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
      A closed mouth gathers no feet.

      & Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
      As soon as you find a product that you really like,
       they will stop making it.

      & Doctors' Law
      If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, 
      by the time you get there you'll feel better.
       Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2009, 04:38:24 AM
Is proof reading a dying art?

 
 
 
 
 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy sons-a-bitches !

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield (  London  ) Couple Slain; Police

Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  Oklahoma's new construction program!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local  High School Dropouts

Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 
 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2009, 06:03:28 AM
This appeared in an Obituary column of The Times newspaper w/c 28th April 2009

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.  No-one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain.  Why the early bird gets the worm.  Life isn’t always fair and maybe it was my fault.

 Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies DON’T SPEND MORE THAN YOU CAN EARN, and reliable strategies, ADULTS NOT CHILDREN ARE IN CHARGE.

 His Health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6 year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun-lotion or an aspirin to a student but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant or wanted to have an abortion.

 Common Sense lost the will to live as the Churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you could no longer defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.  She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, by his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers

     I Know My Rights

     I Want It Now

     Someone Else is To Blame, and

     I’m a Victim

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 09, 2009, 07:16:29 AM
How true T - sadly
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 09, 2009, 06:07:24 PM
Oh I loved the proof-reading one.  Those sort of silly mistakes are the same all over.  We often either howl with laughter or shake our heads in sorrow at some of the ones that regularly turn up on the TV news.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 12, 2009, 06:30:46 AM
This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays, listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.
 
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."   
 
"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."   
 
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."   
 
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."   
 
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
 
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.   
 
"The beach was too sandy."   
 
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."   
 
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.   
 
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."   
 
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."   
 
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
 
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."   
 
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."   
 
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"   
 
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."   
 
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."   
 
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."   
 
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."   
 
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 12, 2009, 10:55:20 AM
It really is amazing that so many people expect to find conditions and cultures identical to theirs when they travel.  Why do they choose to travel?

By the way, it appears that male elephants are prehensile at both ends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 12, 2009, 12:31:49 PM
Oh my!  Those elephants get you coming and going!  At least the back end doesn't have tusks...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 12, 2009, 08:35:33 PM
I suspect that most of the holiday complaints came from Brits! Where the Germans are known for the towels on the sun loungers, the Brits are known for complaining.

I overheard a conversation on one holiday. An English family plonked itself down next to us by the pool. Right from the outset they were moaning about everything - the sun was too hot, the food was foreign (well, duh, what do you expect in the Mediterranean) and so on. Shortly after that another English couple came and sat close to them. The man from family 1 started moaning to man no. 2 and he went on and on for ages, ending with what he no doubt thought was his coup de grace - "even the toilet moves". Man no. 2 must have been thoroughly peed off with it all because his reply was, "That's handy - you can bring it down to the pool to save having to go inside for a pee". Silence (at last) from man no. 1.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on June 12, 2009, 09:25:40 PM
I suspect that most of the holiday complaints came from Brits!
Probably -- because the source was Thomas Cook Holidays. But I don't think Brits have a monopoly on this. My wife was in Spain on U.S. Thanksgiving and heard an American berate the waiter because they didn't have turkey and dressing and cranberries and pumpkin pie! (Spaniards don't eat turkey, & cranberries and pumpkins are native to America.)

My reaction to the complaints was like a non-amos -- such people should just stay home.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 12, 2009, 11:20:00 PM
Some people get very uncomfortable outside their own little ruts.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on June 12, 2009, 11:59:17 PM
Some people get very uncomfortable outside their own little ruts.
I've heard that ruts are shallow graves.

I like my shallow grave -- nice and cosy!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 13, 2009, 10:44:56 AM
I was expecting a Hahaha they were funny.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on June 13, 2009, 11:43:38 AM
I was expecting a Hahaha they were funny.....
They were funny -- just in a rather how-stupid-people-can-be way. I laughed as I read them.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 14, 2009, 11:23:21 PM
They were hilarious T!  I laughed aloud and copied them to send to my boys.  One just cringes at the idiocy of some people, and I don't think any country has the edge, we all have the ones who make us hope no-one thinks we're like that.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 15, 2009, 11:47:47 AM
Yes, I laughed too - it's just that I thought they were probably based on fact, which is kind of disheartening, isn't it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 15, 2009, 05:38:31 PM
Sadly, I'm sure they are factual Birdy!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 15, 2009, 06:03:38 PM
Factual indeed...

When we were in Menorca once a chap was complaining to the receptionists and Rep that it was too hot and he hadn't paid all that money to sit indoors ...idiots!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 25, 2009, 08:13:38 PM
Someone sent these to me recently. I thought you might enjoy them. Oh to be as quick-witted as the Cherokee pilot!



Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************************************************************** **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
 
 ******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************   

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.' 

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************
 
While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'       
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on June 25, 2009, 09:47:17 PM
Pat, thanks for the laughs. (I used to be an air traffic controller.)

BTW, the real reason why air traffic communication must be done in English is because it is mandated by ICAO (International Civil Aviation Organization) and the aviation agencies of individual countries.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 25, 2009, 11:39:08 PM
Thanks for the laugh, Pat!  Those gave me a good start to the day.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 25, 2009, 11:41:15 PM
I'm sitting here mopping my eyes!  Thank you for those Pat, I'm forwarding them to friends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Nova on June 26, 2009, 01:08:52 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I wish someone would compile a similar collection
about ships ( the official communication and documentation
is done in English as well)

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2009, 05:40:00 AM
A Primary School teacher had twenty-six children in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by Primary School children. Their insight may surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 

 

1.

Don't change horses                                                           until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the                                                                     wasp is close.

3.

It's always darkest before                                                    Daylight Saving Time..

4.

Never underestimate the power of                                      termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but                                       How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that                                                        looks dirty.

7.

No news is                                                                           impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a                                                        Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new                                           Maths

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll                                            stink in the morning..

11.

Love all, trust                                                                        me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the                                                pigs.

13.

An idle mind is                                                                      the best way to relax

14.

Where there's smoke there's                                              pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who                                                            gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is                                                                  not much.

17.

Two's company, three's                                                      the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what                                            you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and          You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as                                                  Stevie Wonder

21.

Children should be seen and not                                         spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed                                                  get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you                              See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind                                               get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand                                                                 is going to poop on you.

 

        And the WINNER and last one!   

26.

Better late than                                                                     Pregnant

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2009, 05:56:12 AM
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS   

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

 

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

 

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and   

 

 then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

 

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Murder in Frome:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take

to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'   

 

 ----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

 

 ------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

 

....................................................................

 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive   

 

 clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2009, 06:08:05 AM
        Who said Scottish Romance is dead?

Some examples from a lonely hearts column of the Daily Record

 

Grossly overweight Milngarvie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,

Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango

sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.

Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08.

 

 Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

 Box06/03.

 

 Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested

 in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall

 Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

 

 Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,

 seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in

 this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 15/41.

 

 Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a

 few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe

 more. Box 84/87

 

 Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,

 writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting cloud formations,

 seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce

 along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.

 Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32.

 

 Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will

 include cooking, cleaning and accompanying me to office social

 functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45.

 

 Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the

 arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big

 chest. Box 40/27

 

 Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and

 dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering

 goats in cemeteries, at midnight, under the flinty light of a pale moon.

 Box 52/07

 

 Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition

 at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic

 man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and

 listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

 

 Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the

 night of August 27th between 8pm and 11pm.

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2009, 06:08:57 AM
Wisdom from the Military Manuals - and quotes from others





"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal

---------------------------------------



"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."

U.S.Air Force Manual

--------------------------------------



"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never

encountered automatic weapons.."

- General MacArthur

--------------------------------------



"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.

---------------------------------------



"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S.Army Ordnance

---------------------------------------



"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

- Infantry Journal

---------------------------------------



"Any ship can be a minesweeper... Once."

---------------------------------------

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

-----------------------------------------------

"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."

-USAFAmmo Troop

---------------------------------------



"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

--------------------------------------

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

---------------------------------------



"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter --

and therefore, unsafe."

--------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

--------------------------------------

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

--------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."

------------------------------------------------


"Never trade luck for skill."

---------------------------------------



The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?"

"Where are we?"

and

"Oh Shit!"

--------------------------------------



"Airspeed,altitude, and brains --

two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

---------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;

We never left one up there!"

--------------------------------------



"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."

---------------------------------------



"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley

- Northrop test pilot

---------------------------------------



"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

---------------------------------------



"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

---------------------------------------

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power
to taxi to the terminal."

----------------------------------------



As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,

"What happened?"

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

-Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 06, 2009, 10:28:08 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Thanks T!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 08, 2009, 08:32:19 PM
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Harry accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bob's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her skirt. Shocked by this, Harry, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Harry went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sue followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Harry admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Harry confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Harry didn't, Harry should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Harry showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and completed their transaction, as agreed. Harry quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. Upon arriving, asked his wife, 'Did Harry  come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rbud on July 09, 2009, 12:19:25 PM
(http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj31/rbud57/smilies/00rotfl.gif) Slick!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 17, 2009, 03:55:48 AM
 Did I read that sign right?
 
 TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 
 
 
 In a Laundromat:
 
 AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
 GOES OUT
 
 
 
 In a London department store:
 
 BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
 
  In an office:
 
 WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
 FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
 
 
 In an office:
 
 AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
 DRAINING BOARD
 
 Outside a secondhand shop:
 
 WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
 WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 
 
 
 Notice in health food shop window:
 
 CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
 
 
 
 Spotted in a safari park:

 ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
 
 
 Seen during a conference:
 
 FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
 1ST FLOOR
 
 
 
 Notice in a farmer's field:
 
 THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
 
 
 
 Message on a leaflet:
 
 IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 
 
 
 On a repair shop door:
 
 WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
 WORK)
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 17, 2009, 05:55:43 AM
Love them.  The last one reminds me of the saying about the shoemaker's children...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 17, 2009, 07:02:30 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 17, 2009, 09:01:01 PM
I like those Pat...
The idiosyncracies [???] of our language....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 19, 2009, 01:00:39 AM
Can't remember if this has been posted before - I do know I've seen it - but it's an important reminder that we can do better insulting or retorting to people than just saying "Nyaah nyaah nyaah!"

When Insults Had Class
 
There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!
 
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
 
Gladstone, a Member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."  "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"A modest little person, with much to be modest  about." -  Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest  Hemingway)
 
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" 
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
 
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
 
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
 
"In  order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the  stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 19, 2009, 01:08:58 AM
And here's a really bad one...


THE TALE OF THE SAILOR AND THE SEAGULL
A sailor was caught as he tried to sneak aboard his ship at 3 a.m. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!" As the sailor began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor picked the tern off and tossed it aside. The bird returned to the broom handle, and was once again tossed aside. Through the night, the bird and sailor continued their struggle. At dawn, the  officer returned.  "What in the heck have you been doing all night?" he barked. "This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, sir," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 19, 2009, 08:05:24 AM
Oh BIRDY! That's dreadful. :-R

I liked the insults though. How nice it would be to think up smart comebacks when they're needed, instead of hours later!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on July 19, 2009, 06:01:31 PM
Lovely insults Birdy!  I copied them off and sent them to my kids and haggish friends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 28, 2009, 01:18:19 AM
Church jokes



The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'


The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up theflight of steps, 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said  'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired.
'No.' he said.
I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked.
'No.' she said.
'Good,' he answered.


Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share  with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.'
The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary.I 'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'
The third student got in up front of the class and said,'My name is Tommy. I am Baptist , and this is a casserole.'



The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman
worked nearby.
'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said.
'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said.'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the
floor.'
The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'


The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean '
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .'
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'


Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
'Goat,'the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat
for dinner.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on August 02, 2009, 02:02:42 AM
How do you recognize a bicyclist?

He wears shorts and pants.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on August 03, 2009, 08:12:12 AM
Come to think of it, I should have said he wears shorts, pants, and sweats.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 08, 2009, 01:21:46 PM
I started a new hobby, racing silkworms.

I guess it's not very exciting; they always wind up in a tie. ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 09, 2009, 12:43:40 AM
groan
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on November 09, 2009, 10:47:23 AM
I don't know, non-A. A neck and neck contest can be quite exciting.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on November 09, 2009, 09:26:56 PM
 :laugh: :laugh: Clever!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on November 10, 2009, 06:58:37 PM
I started a new hobby, racing silkworms.

I guess it's not very exciting; they always wind up in a tie. ;)
Which has to be a necktie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 12, 2009, 01:50:31 PM
Quite correct, SG.

Alan was perceptive, as usual, that it is a neck and neck contest, but . . .

In the end, it's all for knot.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 13, 2009, 12:05:26 AM
Spin us another A-non....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 15, 2009, 04:30:58 AM
Maybe another yarn?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 15, 2009, 10:58:10 PM
Try as I might, I can't think of a clever response to that - *&*(^%$   (*&^$#  Wish I could  :(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 16, 2009, 12:41:38 AM
I guess silkworm racing must be more popular than I thought.  Now I need to take them on a world tour.

I think it has something to do with global worming . . .
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on November 16, 2009, 09:54:08 PM
Oh, A! I'm afraid you'll have Samuel Johnson spinning in his grave ...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 17, 2009, 01:02:53 AM
This thread is being taken over by the silkworms!  Seems only fair...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on November 17, 2009, 10:57:35 AM
Here we go round the mulberry bush...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on November 18, 2009, 07:16:34 AM
This thread could easily give one the needle.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 10, 2009, 01:55:28 PM
These may have been posted before, but there are new people on the forum who may not have seen them (thanks, Steadyguy, for giving me the excuse to post these):


    The ability to make and  understand puns is the Highest Level of Language  Development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun  Contest:

       1.  A vulture boards an airplane,  carrying two dead raccoons... The
       Stewardess looks at him  and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
       allowed per  passenger."

       2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other
       and says,    "Dam!"

       3. Two Eskimos sitting in a  kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
       the craft. Not  surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
       can't  have your kayak and heat it too.

       4.  Two  hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."  The
       other says, "Are you sure?"   The first  replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

       5.  Did you hear  about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
       root  canal?  His goal: transcend dental  medication.

       6.  A group of chess enthusiasts  checked into a hotel and were
       standing in the lobby  discussing their recent tournament  victories.
         After about an hour, the manager  came out of the office and asked
       them to disperse.   "But why?. they asked, as they moved  off.
       "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts  boasting in an open foyer.

       7.  A woman has  twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
       goes  to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."   The other goes  to
       a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."    Years later, Juan sends a
       picture of  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the  picture,
       she tells her husband that she wishes she also  had a picture of
       Ahmal.  Her husband responds,  "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan,
       you've seen  Ahmal."

       8.  A group of friars were behind on  their belfry payments, so they
       opened up a small  florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
       to  buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across  town
       thought the competition was unfair. He asked the  good fathers to
       close down, but they would not.   He went back and begged the friars
       to close. They  ignored him. So, the rival florist hired  Hugh
       MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in  town, to
       "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the  friars and trashed their
       store, saying he'd be back if  they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
       they did so,  thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist  friars.

       9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked  barefoot most of the time,
       which produced an impressive  set of calluses on his feet He also ate
       very little,  which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet,  he
       suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh,  man, this is SO BAD,
       its good) a supercalloused fragile  mystic hexed by halitosis.

       10 And finally, there  was the person who sent ten different puns to
       friends,  with the hope that at least one of the puns would make  them
       laugh.  No pun in ten  did.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on December 10, 2009, 07:11:04 PM
Well, I think these puns were published before my time. All excellent. ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 11, 2009, 04:34:54 AM
glad you liked them!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 17, 2009, 10:04:44 PM
Birdy, they were hilarious...
I have forwarded them on....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 02, 2010, 11:17:08 PM
 A group of 40 year old buddies discuss at length where they
 should meet for dinner.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
 zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
 
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
 Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
 
 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke free.
 
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even
have an elevator.
 
 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Nova on February 03, 2010, 03:40:27 AM
Basically, there are three approaches to learning.

Some people learn by reading about things.
Some people learn from other people's mistakes.
And then there are those, who simply MUST try peeing on an electric fence.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on February 03, 2010, 06:28:41 AM
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss at length where they
 should meet for dinner.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
 zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
 
 
 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Whew Pat, am I glad I never grew up after reaching 40!!!! :-C :-C
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 03, 2010, 12:38:48 PM
Pat, you are spot-on.  I could tell you stories about that.

Better yet, I need to tell them to the proprietors of the restaurant!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 03, 2010, 11:02:34 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on February 03, 2010, 11:08:12 PM
...way to go Pat...let 'er rip

 8)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on February 07, 2010, 06:28:39 AM
Wonderful tale Pat!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 10, 2010, 11:45:10 PM
Pat, you old fart, that was very funny... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 23, 2010, 04:53:07 PM
And for those who like cats - or even don't like cats, but may recognize cats they've known:

http://www.simonscat.com/ (http://www.simonscat.com/)  - some nice cartoons.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on February 23, 2010, 10:34:53 PM
Pat, I am still chuckling over your story!!! You really hit my funny bone with it!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on February 23, 2010, 10:50:55 PM
These are brilliant, birdy. The last snippet gives an indication of the time and effort that goes into producing a cartoon. I'm so impressed by the talented people who dream up, draw and then animate such things.

Have a look at this:

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Just hit 'Play' and then watch it. It's amazing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 24, 2010, 12:23:41 AM
Very, very clever, Pat! 

Birdy, I have seen the Simon's cat cartoons before and think they're just brilliant ...  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 24, 2010, 09:33:57 AM

Have a look at this:

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Just hit 'Play' and then watch it. It's amazing.

Loved it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 20, 2010, 04:59:38 AM
Threeb posted this a couple of years ago, but for those of you dealing with newly or about to be teenagers, this might be a useful reminder.  Just remember, cats take up less room.


Teenagers & Cats

Why teenagers have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them
by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the
privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager
in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours
on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known
to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal
in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds,
they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and
it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 20, 2010, 05:05:26 AM
And while I'm on the subject...


Quiz For Cats

Your human walks into the kitchen.
Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you.
Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat

Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again

Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human (and in front of it)
d) All of the above

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their
talking behavior

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what
damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above

Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 27, 2010, 12:03:05 AM
Brilliant..............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 15, 2010, 12:00:45 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 15, 2010, 10:10:51 PM
Absoluteljky favtastic..i csnr srr vert well for larfing so muchg...thankjsa....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 16, 2010, 03:08:24 AM
Spanish Computer


A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;   

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
 
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 16, 2010, 12:23:05 PM
Good ones, Pat!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 18, 2010, 02:39:56 AM
Kids still say the funniest things.


WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2..  Mostly to clean the house.
3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring..
3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.  We're related.
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot
2..  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball..
2.  Mom..  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long..

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair..  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
 

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 18, 2010, 02:51:19 AM
And the innocent truthfulness, eh?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on April 18, 2010, 05:01:41 AM
Yes, excellent Pat.


By the way, how did you get hold of the video of me taking a shower????????? ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 19, 2010, 06:34:19 AM
Note: All blondes are authorized to change the word for another group.


 
   
 
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
FLORIDA OR MOON
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
   
 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on April 20, 2010, 01:49:31 PM
Three blondes went out for a walk.  One of them notices some tracks, and thinks they are deer tracks.  The second one says, "No!  Those are bear tracks!",  The third one says, "No, those are only dog tracks."

Bam!  Just like that, they are all run over by a train.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on April 21, 2010, 02:49:31 AM
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer have all been sentenced to death by guillotine for crimes they had committed. The executioner asks the priest whether he wishes to face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest states he would prefer to die face up which would enable him to be looking towards Heaven when he dies.

The priest is placed in the guillotine and the executioner releases the lever. The blade comes speeding down, but jams just short of the priest's throat. Taking this as a sign from God, the priest is released and set free.

Next, the lawyer is led to the guillotine, and hoping he will be as fortunate as the priest, he too decides to die face up. Again the blade is released and jams just inches away from his throat. As with the priest, the lawyer is released and set free.

Finally, the engineer is led to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the lever, the engineer shouts, "Wait! I think I see what your problem is!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 21, 2010, 07:48:19 PM
Brill..
I have forwarded this on to all the guys i work with in the engineering department, i'm sure they will love it!!!

..and no doubt i will get lots of stick.. :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 21, 2010, 07:53:08 PM
Ooooohhhh, lucky girl  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 21, 2010, 10:04:43 PM
Geo!!!  I am shocked!!  :o :o  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 22, 2010, 05:52:16 PM
The 11th Husband...

 A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin". 
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. 
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it... 
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. 
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. 
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him. 
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".   
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?" 

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT" This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed." 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 22, 2010, 06:02:40 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 22, 2010, 07:36:18 PM
Brilliant.....

Oh! my engineers were not impressed....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on April 22, 2010, 10:34:33 PM
T, if they could laugh at themselves, I'm not sure they would be engineers (a non-amos excepted, of course) ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on May 01, 2010, 03:40:12 PM
Pat this is great and could develop into a new sport on ChiLex!!

Husband number 12 was a snooker player and all he did was rub blue chalk on the end of it. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 03, 2010, 10:35:23 AM
Husband number 13 was a television news reader and all he did was investigate and report on it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on May 03, 2010, 10:42:26 AM
Number 14 was a Chi addict and all he did was look down at himself and mutter...

"lite, tile, silt, cite, slice, sleet, steel, title, settle, islets, tieless, test, select..."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 08, 2010, 04:39:38 AM
I'm sure that Chi addicts would have no problem finding words to express their emotions, but for those who need emoticons to help them out with more complex feelings, here are some I just learned about:

12 Emoticons for the Advanced Writer

Have you ever been overcome with an emotion but unable to find the right emoticon to express yourself?  The answer is yes.  And I'm going to help you.

*:0            "MY FACE IS ON FIRE!!!!"

!,!             "Hi.  I am a rabbit"

%             "I feel like I am a mosquito looking directly at you."

|:(             "I am displeased with my unibrow."

< :(            "Pointy hats make me sad."

> :(            "Now my hat is upside-down and I don't feel any better about it."

(:::: )           "I feel like I am the underside of a pregnant dog."

:0&            "I LOVE PRETZELS!!!! NOM! NOM! NOM!"

:*(             "You make me cry sparkly tears."

{:|             "I am a Frenchman."

Q:|            "I'm Davy fucking Crockett."

:$              "I am trying to look unimpressed, but someone drew a squiggly mouth over my real mouth and this must be terribly confusing for you.  I am sorry."


From:  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/p/about.html
            Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 12, 2010, 08:40:31 PM
Scrolling through my archives I came across these gems. I don't know which Olympics they refer to but who cares ...

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators during the Summer Olympics that they
would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her
warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really
that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is that, before the final round, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my
God, what have I just said?"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 13, 2010, 08:20:55 PM
This one's brilliant ...


SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
 
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.   Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2.   There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.   There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.   Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.   Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.   We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.   The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8.   David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9.   When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10.   We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11.   When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “ Eat me” .
12.   The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13.   The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14.   Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on May 16, 2010, 08:47:09 AM
Brill Pat...love 'em all. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 16, 2010, 09:34:47 PM
Hope this gives you a smile!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 16, 2010, 09:41:29 PM
and this....................
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 17, 2010, 08:22:07 PM
Oh Smaug - I just LOVE that one  :)  Ah, a woman's revenge!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 21, 2010, 10:16:35 PM
What a great idea..........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 24, 2010, 10:47:48 PM
Courthouse Comments - Strange but True

 These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
 people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
 by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
 exchanges were actually taking place.

 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.
***********************

 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***********************

 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
***********************

 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.
***********************

 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
 morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.
***********************

 Q: And where was the location of the accident?
 A: Approximately milepost 499.
 Q: And where is milepost 499?
 A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
***********************

 Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
 A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
***********************

 Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
 A: After the accident?
 Q: Before the accident.
 A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
***********************

 Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
 flashing?
 A: Yes.
 Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
 A: Yes, sir.
 Q: What did she say?
 A: What disco am I at?
***********************

 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
 doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***********************

 Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
***********************

 Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***********************

 Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***********************

 Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there any girls?
***********************

 Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
***********************

 Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
 A: By death.
 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***********************

 Q: Can you describe the individual?
 A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 Q: Was this a male or a female?
***********************

 Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
 that I sent to your attorney?
 A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***********************

 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***********************

 Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 A: Oral.
***********************

 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
 A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***********************

 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***********************

 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for breathing?
 A: No.
 Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
 autopsy?
 A: No.
 Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
 A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 somewhere.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 24, 2010, 11:37:32 PM
I've seen this one before, and it makes me laugh every time!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 25, 2010, 05:23:14 AM
Same here, birdy - that's why I decided to post it on here.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on May 29, 2010, 07:26:38 PM
Maybe this is the test of a classic joke which can be funny again and again and again.
I think for example of the 'Dad's Army' situation where the German Officer asks the young English lad in order to put him on his 'hit list'.
'Ent you boy, vat iss yoor name'
Blundering Mainwaring  blurts out 'Don't tell him Pike!'

Your posting is a classic Pat. ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on May 30, 2010, 12:01:49 AM
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

This reminds me of an exchange I heard during a press conference given during Operation Desert Storm in Kuwait in 1991. A reporter began his question by saying, "Generally speaking ..." General Norman Schwarzkopf responded by saying, "We generals always speak generally." Luckily reporters don't have to maintain the same type of decorum as court reporters. This produced a great number of chuckles at the conference.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 07, 2010, 10:26:47 PM
Brilliant....absolutely hilarious.....thanks for that, haven't had much to laugh about lately, so that was very welcome...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on August 03, 2010, 09:32:41 PM
20 thoughts for today




1.If you're open-minded, your brains will fall out.



2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often.



3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
 standing in a garage makes you a car.



4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.



5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
 tried before.



6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
 programme.



9. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.



10.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.



11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel really 
good.



12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.



13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.



14. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.



15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
 waist change places.



16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three 
weeks before you need it.



18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a
 mistake when you make it again.



19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.



20. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
 world.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 03, 2010, 11:03:54 PM
 :laugh:  those are great!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 04, 2010, 03:43:34 AM
And I kept looking, but I couldn't find one that wasn't true!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alonzo Quixote on August 04, 2010, 05:26:21 AM
If I'm not mistaken, I believe #5 has been attributed to Mae West,  an American actress of the 1920's and thereafter.

I don't know if it was original with her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on August 05, 2010, 04:37:13 PM
 ;D I like 'em Pat!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 23, 2010, 10:39:22 PM
Brilliant....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on August 23, 2010, 11:55:13 PM
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone." (Dave Gibson at Edinburgh Fringe)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on August 24, 2010, 10:33:29 PM
Ha ha ha!!!!! :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on August 30, 2010, 07:24:21 PM
Nice one TR; bet you can't get your pound of flesh!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 14, 2010, 04:18:05 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great," he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 16, 2010, 08:57:36 PM
Loving that one....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 27, 2010, 08:22:22 PM
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
 
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!"

Stevie is really peeved now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
 
"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it."
 
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...













 



"A jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."
 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on September 28, 2010, 08:23:44 AM
That was worthy of a groan....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 07, 2010, 10:39:31 PM
 Men Are Just Happier People

 
NICKNAMES
 
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
 
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
 
 
EATING OUT
 
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
 
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
BATHROOMS
 
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
 
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
 ARGUMENTS

 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 FUTURE
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
 SUCCESS
 
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 MARRIAGE
 
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
DRESSING UP
 
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
 
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
 
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
OFFSPRING
 
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
When creating husbands, god promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then god made the earth round.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 07, 2010, 11:08:56 PM
Brilliant...i have forwarded this to the 30+ men i work with and the 4 women.....i wonder who will reply??  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 07, 2010, 11:17:36 PM
hello Alan....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 21, 2010, 02:49:30 AM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a
fancy dress company to explain his problem.
 
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
 
Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. 
                               
 
 
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
 
 
 
Dear Sir,
 
Sorry about the previous parcel.
Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
                               
 
 
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. 
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
 
 
 
Dear Sir,
 
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
 
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 21, 2010, 11:19:50 PM
That's hilarious.......Not very E&D or PC for that matter...but hilarious all the same... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 22, 2010, 02:04:53 AM
I might just be having a senior moment here, T, but E & D?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on October 23, 2010, 01:22:43 AM
Equality and Diversity......very hot on that at the moment in college..... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 23, 2010, 04:15:27 AM
New one for me too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on October 28, 2010, 04:42:00 AM
Great contributions Pat. I must remember what to do next time I break a thumb!!! :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on October 31, 2010, 06:53:05 AM
Almost Halloween, so...

A man is walking home  alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP..clappity-BUMP...on his heels, as the terrified man runs. 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) 


The coffin stops.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Mehe on October 31, 2010, 09:19:46 AM
VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
 
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km. (Remember, the Pope is German!)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 km.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
 
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on October 31, 2010, 10:24:02 AM
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. 
 He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when
 she  bought me an iPad.

 

 My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.


 

 

 

 September came by, so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started   ......

 


What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ilandrah on November 07, 2010, 02:27:26 PM
(http://pleatedjeans.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/curses-foiled-again.jpg?w=500&h=618)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ilandrah on November 07, 2010, 02:39:34 PM
(http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lb9l0zXswJ1qzpzfmo1_500.jpg)
Full size image here: http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lb9l0zXswJ1qzpzfmo1_500.jpg (http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lb9l0zXswJ1qzpzfmo1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 10, 2010, 02:00:40 AM
Clever stuff...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on November 10, 2010, 03:20:02 AM
It reminds me of the 'fish' thread that we had going some time ago ...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on December 03, 2010, 05:34:33 AM
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.


 
The woman sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

 
The woman can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. 
 
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'


Five quid says you're gonna read this again!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on December 04, 2010, 01:13:16 PM
Well, I did read it again, but what's this about 5 squid?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on December 04, 2010, 09:12:00 PM
An amusing anecdote (well it amused me at least):

Recently in the family court a case was being heard concerning a child conceived as the result of a one-night stand.

Trying to refer to this without causing offence, the magistrate referred to the conception as a 'brief encounter', to which the mother angrily objected, "It wasn't a brief encounter, it was a bus-stop job!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on December 06, 2010, 11:00:23 PM
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The woman sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The woman can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. 
 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'


Pat, this reminds me of our our dear geography teacher, Mr Purcell,known as Soapy - (Persil).
To ensure we always spelt Mississippi correctly we  had the song
"M-I crooked letter, crooked letter i, crooked letter crooked letter i,
Hump-back Hump back i Mississippi,
Going down to New Orleans."

Did Al Jolson ever do a version?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 08, 2010, 11:56:07 PM
A cheque for £5 is in the post....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on March 11, 2011, 05:43:29 AM
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”;

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”;

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
you'd be in Seine .

20. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The flight attendant looks at him and says, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”;

21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says “Dam!”;

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I've lost my electron.”;
The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”;

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Taken from: http://belladaddy.blogspot.com/2011/02/ah-you-so-punny.html
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on March 11, 2011, 06:24:34 AM
I've seen those before, anonsi, but it was good to have another chuckle over them.

Number 15 reminded me of another one involving an escapee:

A man escaped from a mental institution and went into a launderette where he raped two women before running away. The headline in the newspaper the next day read, "Nut screws washers and bolts."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 22, 2011, 09:55:28 PM
Very good Anonsi......some of them are really clever...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 30, 2011, 08:44:14 PM
Extracts from letters written to local British councils:



 1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

 6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

 11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

 20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on March 30, 2011, 09:35:09 PM
Hilarious. The things people write, eh.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 30, 2011, 09:47:48 PM
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
 
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant..

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He paid her a

large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child

support until the child turned 18.
 
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
 
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and

write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
 
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 
'Honey", she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
 
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife

obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
 
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 
Three with meatballs, two without.
 
Send extra sauce.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Steadyguy on April 02, 2011, 08:43:40 PM
Now those postings have really given me a lift. I'm on top of the world .;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Tom44 on April 03, 2011, 11:58:00 AM
At some point, with 124 pages, we really should consider starting a new joke thread.  Nah!  What was I thinking?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2011, 07:58:40 PM
Glad they made you smile Steadyguy....

Tom44.....are you nuts.....so glad you realised what a daft idea that was....... :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2011, 10:29:59 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


 

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2011, 10:31:10 PM
Kids...don't you just love them!!??!!

NUDITY
  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I
heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


OPINIONS
  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


KETCHUP
  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now, she's hitting the bottle. '


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'   


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances
of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 05, 2011, 07:51:56 PM
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly                   
  man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns 
  you would like to ask me about?'                                         
  'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold 
  and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am   
  usually hot and sweaty."                                                 
  After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:                       
  'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
  would like to discuss with me?'                                         
  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.                 
  The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He   
  claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the 
  first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know   
  why?'                                                                   
  "Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time
  is usually in January, and the second time is in August
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on April 05, 2011, 08:16:18 PM
still chuckling Tech :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 06, 2011, 06:00:51 AM
Have passed it on to my emailing group - thanks.  Do you think the wife is muttering to herself, "Now is the winter of our discontent...:?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 12, 2011, 10:12:38 PM
Very clever...

During the summer it could be-

Now is the summer in my tent....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 14, 2011, 02:10:11 AM
 :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: 2 tanners on April 29, 2011, 10:09:13 PM
A punter had been losing on the nags so badly that even his bookie took pity.  After unsuccessfully trying to get him to give his luck a rest, he said "All right, here's what we'll do to break this losing streak of yours.  There were seven races today, and I'll write the name of each of the winners on a piece of paper.  I'll put 'em in my hat.  You give me 10 bucks and I'll give you 5 to 1 odds that you pull a winner.  Whaddya say?"

The punter took the bet immediately, sure that with this one certain win his bad luck streak would go.  He handed over the cash, put his hand in the bookies hat, whipped out a label and with anticipation read the name.  He paled and fell back into a chair.

"What's up?" asked the bookie.  "I don't understand!  What name did you pull out?"

"Akubra" the punter sadly replied .
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 30, 2011, 12:07:31 AM
Very much an Ozzie joke, 2T. I had to look up 'Akubra' to see what it was!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on April 30, 2011, 09:35:25 AM
Sorry, 2T, that joke would be met with puzzled silence in the States... 

I got it after I looked up the label name.  And then thought about it for a bit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: 2 tanners on April 30, 2011, 09:59:47 AM
I could've set it in the US and had the betting slip say "Stetson" and it would've been understood everywhere, but it is an Australian joke.  Just spreading the culture, you understand.

Besides, I wondered how many would look it up.  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 01, 2011, 01:15:32 AM
For a wonder, I knew what it meant.  But I'm sure most Americans wouldn't, unless they'd visited Australia, or read as many Harlequins set in Australia as I have.

Culture is spread in many unlikely ways!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2011, 01:16:31 AM
The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'Well, you know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

 


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 13, 2011, 03:53:55 AM
Nice one, T. What a cool dad!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 16, 2011, 08:23:03 PM
Subject: NHS humour
 
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow region.

 
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab. test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 
For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 16, 2011, 09:52:34 PM
Let the debate begin .............
 
 
 

 
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little   longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ada on May 16, 2011, 11:45:53 PM
 :laugh:

Thank you very much Technomc, for those.
The medical list shall appear in my emergency department soon.
cheers, ADA
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: cb on May 17, 2011, 05:24:01 AM
Subject: NHS humour
 

I literally have tears running down my cheeks and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.
Thanks for posting
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 17, 2011, 08:09:24 AM
Subject: NHS humour

Loved these - and had not seen them before!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 18, 2011, 07:43:47 PM
Glad you liked them.....they had me in stitches...my sides were splitting.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 23, 2011, 09:59:38 PM
appeared in sunday paper yesterday -
Seniors Texting Code
 ATD - at the doctor
BFF - best friend fell
BTW- bring the wheelchair
FWIW -forgot where I was
BYOT - bring your own teeth
GGPBL -gotta go pacemaker battery low
GHA  - got heartburn again
IMHO - is my hearing aid on
LMDO - laughing my dentures off
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and cant get up
TTYL - talk to you louder
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 24, 2011, 12:31:26 AM
Brilliant....... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 07, 2011, 01:31:11 AM
 

Olympic Condoms






Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."


Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 07, 2011, 03:11:00 AM
heh heh heh.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 07, 2011, 08:44:20 PM
I've just used that one, T. Went down a treat!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 07, 2011, 11:11:01 PM
I beg your pardon Pat.....are you sure you should be divulging your sexual habits on this forum...?????

I actually peed my pants [please note that word is allowed]..when i read your response..which was hilarious bearing in mind i was invigilating a 3 hour exam at the time...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 08, 2011, 02:50:44 AM
Glad to have brightened up your invigilantism, T. Always happy to be of service.  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 08, 2011, 10:32:52 PM

A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS...........




A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.
 
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors
 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as .......
















 
PINO MORE

 
I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.
I just couldn't help it...    ;D
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 10, 2011, 12:33:41 AM
Older and wiser...........

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on
a long flight.
     The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
get one over on them easily.

     So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
     The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
     The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....."I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.
     This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.
     The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the Earth to the Moon?"
     The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
     Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
     The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
on the Net.
     He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no
avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..
     He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets
the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
     The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the
senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"
     The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
goes back to sleep.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 04, 2011, 09:51:58 PM

An Irishman.........


1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even
at home yesterday."

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and
playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy,
what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on
in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to
attracter.....

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50
million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their
own oil.

4. Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I
went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks, "So what are you going
to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick
says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll
lie and say we only found two."

7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 04, 2011, 09:52:53 PM
Subject: Passport  Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of  renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or  believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How  is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address  and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish  from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking  me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice  West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday  night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I  have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago,  yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two  of which were with contractors working for the  government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my  T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid  my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery  they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the  bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good  time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth  date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with  all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years.  It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the  last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs  declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off  the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those  insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the  electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every  time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would  somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in  Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary,  her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and  I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and  the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not  myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had  enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me  for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of  Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look  like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for  God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a  sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away  from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I  have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth  certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60  quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have  all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a  new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy  and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the  place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some  tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture -  you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case  we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why  we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served  in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten  years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security  clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five  seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on  the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the  British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I  have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know,  someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical  degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours  sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 04, 2011, 09:55:01 PM
Heh heh. How true!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 06, 2011, 10:56:02 AM
And on a ligher, but less relevant note . . .

(true story)

I went to the shopping mall yesterday (yes, July 4) to get a haircut.

In the middle of the haircut, I told the young lady that I was trying out a new hair color.

She paused, then asked if my hair was not "really" gray.

I told her no, that this is not my natural color.  I ran across a really great hair care product that makes me look a distinguished salt and pepper gray, maybe a bit heavy on the salt.  Doesn't it look authentic?

(suspiciously) Well, yes, it actually does look very authentic.

I put a little on my head, work it in a bit, and 50 years later this is what I've got!

- A

 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2011, 06:22:18 PM
He he he..........you   >:D    .....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 06, 2011, 06:24:00 PM
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on
a long flight.
     The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
get one over on them easily.

     So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
     The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
     The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....."I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.
     This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.
     The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the Earth to the Moon?"
     The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
     Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
     The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
on the Net.
     He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no
avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..
     He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets
the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
     The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the
senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"
     The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
goes back to sleep.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 10, 2011, 10:32:23 AM
The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
 
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
 
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me, and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's' house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!  I'm putting my shoes on!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 14, 2011, 01:07:50 AM
He he he........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 14, 2011, 04:40:07 AM
I believe he then named his new pet "Imelda."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 14, 2011, 12:51:44 PM
That was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly cute!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 14, 2011, 09:34:47 PM
An E or 2 too many me thinks Threeb......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 14, 2011, 10:14:02 PM
and it's too early to be drinking, too, T! I just got carried away with the idea of 100 legs, 100 shoes, and the image translated into my fingers!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 15, 2011, 12:22:54 AM
I would quite like to own 100 shoes [preferably in pairs you understand!!]...i bet LL has got more than that....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 15, 2011, 01:01:13 AM
She likely stores them on scented shelves next to her clothes on scented coat hangers.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 15, 2011, 01:49:11 AM
You know me so well, anonsi!!   >:D 

You'd laugh if you saw the state of the shoes I'm wearing at the moment, T.  Tatty, slightly grubby, flip flops that I've had for several years but they are just the most comfortable things in the world .... not to be seen beyond the front door though, I do have my reputation to consider!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 19, 2011, 12:42:35 AM
I don't possess flip flops..can't bear the toe bar.... One of my girls is the same, but the other [ i forget her name] loves them!!!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 19, 2011, 12:44:40 AM
Just a thought but do they flip flop if you lead with your right foot and flop flip if you lead with your left???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 19, 2011, 01:13:49 PM
As stated by Sherlock Holms . . .

The game's afoot!

 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 21, 2011, 12:51:53 AM
You are a heel A-non....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 21, 2011, 12:52:36 AM
Stil leto go on about it....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 21, 2011, 09:35:05 AM
A bit rough-shod on A-non, weren't you, T?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 21, 2011, 09:09:52 PM
Well i'm not one to toe the line Birdy...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 21, 2011, 09:18:46 PM
Put a sock in it you lot.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 24, 2011, 02:00:12 AM
Shoe-re thing, Pat!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on January 31, 2012, 12:39:22 AM
Love these ...


Why teachers drink


Explain why phosphorus trichloride is polar.
God made it that way.

Briefly explain what hard water is.
Ice.

What is a nitrate?
Much cheaper than a day rate.

What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
He invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Unusual names.

Name one of the early Romans’ achievements.
Learning to speak Latin.

Name one measure that can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of extensive rainfall (e.g. in Mississippi).
Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi can be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Name six animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
Two polar bears four seals.

How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?
It doesn’t, it’s just self, self, self all the way through.

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
Mrs. Orpheus.

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

What happens to a boy during puberty?
He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

What is the meaning of the word ‘varicose’?
Close by.

What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
Mariah Carey.

What is a fibula?
A little lie.

Explain the term ‘free press’.
When your mum irons trousers for you.

Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
You might walk into it.

Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone system?
It doesn’t come with a chair.

Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 m.p.h. Is Steve speeding?
He could find out by checking his speedometer.

What is a vibration?
There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?
Around Hadrian’s garden.

The race of people known as Malays come from what country?
Malaria.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 12, 2012, 06:54:11 PM
Check out this video clip but make sure you're not drinking coffee or your screen is likely to get splattered!

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=27735&page=1
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on April 12, 2012, 09:55:34 PM
That's a very funny and original act!  Loved it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on May 24, 2012, 01:22:30 PM
A reply to the original post . . . has anyone heard of using a potato to change a broken lightbulb?  Does it really work?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on May 24, 2012, 10:20:55 PM
It might work, but you'd have to watch out for chips dropping into your eyes.  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 03, 2012, 07:40:07 PM
Apologies in advance for this one...


 
Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."   
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 03, 2012, 07:44:02 PM
And for this one ...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the table top!  T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 04, 2012, 12:56:48 PM
Many thanks, Pat!  I will have to use that one at the pub tomorrow.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 05, 2012, 02:04:10 AM
Fitness after 60


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 05, 2012, 02:06:23 AM
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.


May God Bless the lower ranks !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 26, 2012, 06:00:55 PM
SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

NO UNDERWEAR

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 29, 2012, 01:29:45 PM
I can disprove the fifth rule.  Milk does solve some problems.

Several years ago a bagpiper friend was unemployed and surviving off of charity.  He had an idea to make an ice cream parlor using only local dairy products.  He found a consortium of local Mennonite dairy farmers who do not use hormones on their cows, and who practice good land management to ensure proper nutrition of their grass-fed cattle.

Contrary to popular opinion, their ice cream does include some additives.  They have added big chunks of real apple pie to their apple pie flavored ice cream, and they have added real oatmeal cookies to their oatmeal cookie flavored ice cream.  I fully support their additives.   :-H  :-H  :-H

My bagpiper friend has gone from homeless to prosperous.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 02, 2012, 02:00:22 AM
Probably a good thing you didn't tell us the location of this ice cream parlor - it might have been mobbed, especially in this weather.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 02, 2012, 03:16:14 AM
I guess you must be having a good summer then, birdy. Over here we're having the wettest summer for years (and believe me, English summers are usually pretty wet!). Prior to this summer we'd had two exceptionally dry winters and the reservoirs were so low that about 8 water companies issued hosepipe bans back in April or thereabouts, saying that they'd be in place until at least next winter. Of course at that point Sod stuck his oar in and it's hardly stopped raining since. Some people have suffered dreadful flooding and most of the hosepipe bans have already been lifted.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on July 02, 2012, 04:45:03 AM
We just finished our ninth! consecutive month of above average temperatures and below average precipitation. Things are looking bad for the corn/maize and soybeans. We would love to take some of that moisture from you, Pat.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on August 22, 2012, 11:19:22 PM
Some good one-liners from Phyllis Diller who has just died:

"I'm in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan."

(On her wedding): "We had a civil ceremony - his mother couldn't come."

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?"

"I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead."

"We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up."

(On her mother-in-law): "She got a water bed for christmas. You know what's in there? Lake Erie."

"I want to look 65 again, like I did when I was 30."

"You know you're old when your birth certificate is on a scroll and they've discontinued your blood type."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on August 27, 2012, 08:56:36 AM
I've heard some of these before, but here's a list of more imaginative ways to say someone was short-changed in the intelligence department:

Not too bright       

These are one-liners that you really don't want people to be using to describe you. I think it's nicer to use these though instead of saying that someone is just unintelligent. If they aren't intelligent though, they may not understand what you're saying about them. If they're the type to seek revenge that may just be to your benefit.
1. Not the brightest light in the harbor.

2. The light's on but no one's home.

3. Not the brightest bulb in the box.

4. A few screws short of a hardware store.

5. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

6. A few cards short of a deck.

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

8. About as sharp as a marble.

9. Only has one oar in the water.

10. Smart as a bag of rocks.

11. A burger short of a combo meal.

12. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

13. A few peas short of a casserole.

14. A few keys short of a keyboard.

15. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

16. The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

17. As smart as a stick.

18. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

20. Has an IQ of room temperature.

21. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

22. Not the brightest crayon in the box.

23. One twist short of a slinky.

24. Sharp as a sack of wet mice.

25. More numb than a frozen mukluk.

26. Not the sharpest crayon in the box

27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed

28. They are depriving some village of its idiot.

29. A few threads short of a sweater.

30. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

31. Driveway doesn't quite reach the road.

32. The battery is not fully charged.

33. About as sharp as a bowling ball.

34. Dumber than a bag of hammers.

35. A few bricks short of a full load.

36. A few clowns short of a circus.

37. A few beers short of a six-pack.

38. Dumber than a box of hair.

39. A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.

40. All foam no beer.

41. As smart as bait.

42. Chimney's clogged.

43. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

44. Forgot to pay his brain bill.

45. The antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

46. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

47. Another brain would be lonely.

48. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

49. No grain in the silo.

50. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

51. Receiver is off the hook.

52. Has a leak in the skylight.

53. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

54. Dumb as a donkey.

55. Not all the soldiers are marching in line.

56. Dumber than paint.

57. Half a bubble off plumb.

58. A few fruit loops shy of a full bowl.

59. Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.

60. A few shades beyond blonde.

61. Has to take turns for the family brain-cell.

62. A few watts short of a light bulb.

63. Dumb as a stump.

64. Running on 3 cylinders.

65. A few Bradys short of a bunch.

66. Has the parachute but is missing the ripcord.

67. Would lose a debate with a doorknob.

68. Has an IQ lower than plant life.

69. All telephone, no receiver.

70. One ski short of a snowmobile.

71. Wouldn't know if they were on foot or horseback.

72. The logs are ablaze but the chimney is clogged.

73. Eats soup with a fork.

74. The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off (or is dead).

75. The cheese slid off his cracker.

76. The engine is running but nobody is behind the wheel.

77. A few fuses short of a full circuit.

78. A tire short of an eighteen wheeler.

79. Doesn't have all the chairs at the table.

80. Dumber than a bag of rocks.

81. A shining example of why you should avoid inbreeding.

82. A few pecans short of a fruitcake.

83. As fruity as a bag of Skittles™

84. Would argue with a signpost.

85. If you gave them a penny for thoughts, you'd get change.

86. Dumb as a salt shaker.

87. Has a mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

88. Knitting with only one needle.

89. The result of too much chlorine in the gene pool.

90. Not the brightest bulb in the chandalier.

91. Not the quickest bunny in the forest.

92. The hard drive is spinning but the OS hasn't been installed.

93. Not exactly running on all thrusters.

94. A few toppings short of a Deluxe Pizza.

95. A few burgers short of a barbecue.

96. A few roos loose in the top paddock.

97. The wind is blowing but nothing is moving.

98. The umbrella is up but there's no rain.

99. A few colors short of a rainbow.

100. As bright as a lamp in Aladdin's cave.

101. The boat doesn't have all the oars in the water.

102. A few boats short of a fleet.

103. A monosynaptic cretin (Don't understand it? 'nuff said)

104. A few noodles short of a chow mein.

105. A few bristles short of a broom.

106. A few snags short of a barbie.

107. Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

108. Hasn't seen the ball since kickoff.

109. The relative IQ of a deck chair.

110. A poster child for birth control.

111. A few players short of a team.

112. Couldn't hit the floor if he fell on it.

113. A few sheep short of a flock.

114. If you stand close enough to them you can hear the sea.

115. They have an IQ lower than their shoe size.

116. A few gunmen short of a posse.

117. As sharp as a pound of wet liver.

118. Not the quickest horse in the stable.

119. Has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy that holds them all together.

120. Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, they only gargled.

121. Not the fastest ship in the fleet.

122. Ten cents short of a dollar.

123. A few boxes short of a pallet.

124. A few grams short of a pound.

125. Shipped but not delivered.

126. A few springs short of a watch.

127. A few bits short of a byte.

128. Only has half a cord in the woodshed.

129. The elevator goes to the top but the doors don't open.

130. A cup and a saucer short of a place setting.

131. If their nose was on upside down they'd drown in the rain.

132. Three ice bricks shy of an igloo.

133. A few marshmallows short of a bowl of Lucky Charms.

134. A few bales short of a wagon load.

135. Couldn't find their way out of a paper bag.

136. A few needles short of a sewing kit.

137. One IQ point above brain death.

138. Any slower and he'd need to be watered once a week.

139. Playing hockey with a warped puck.

140. All booster, no payload.

141. Has some lug nuts rattling in the hubcaps.

142. Nice house, not much furniture.

143. Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.

144. One board member short of a quorum.

145. Batteries not included.

146. Lost contact with the mothership.

147. A few cracker jacks short of a full box.

148. A few yards short of a touchdown.

149. Not the sharpest pitchfork in the barn.

150. A few cowboys short of a rodeo.

151. He's got a bow but no arrows.

152. A couple pineapples shy of a luau.

153. A few roots shy of an apple tree.

154. The phone's on but there's no reception.

155. If brains were dynamite, they couldn't blow their hat off.

156. If brains were dynamite, they wouldn't have enough to blow their nose.

157. A quick as a snail crossing super-glue.

158. If brains were webbing, they couldn't put a set of gaiters on a sparrow.

159. His corn bread isn't done in the middle.

160. A few leftovers short of a bread pudding.

161. Not singing from the same hymn sheet.

162. Not wrapped too tight.

163. Not all the dots are on the dice.

164. Have had more meaningful conversations with a brick wall.

165. A few plums short of a pie

166. Ran out of gas before their car.

167. Nice cage, but no bird

168. Left the scene before his body.

169. A few dollars short of a paycheck

170. That bats are out of the bellfry.

171. Has a 4-wheel drive but only three are spinning.

172. A few Prozac short of a prescription.

173. Can't find their butt with two hands and a road map.

174. A couple shakes short of a sauce bottle.

175. A few people short of a party.

176. A pinky shy of a hand.

177. A few leaves short of a bush.

178. Not the tallest tree in the forest.

179. Numb as a hake.

Got them from this site:  http://dan.hersam.com/lists/not_bright.html
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on August 28, 2012, 04:25:31 PM
Lol

My mum used to say "A few ants short of a picnic."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on August 31, 2012, 12:14:18 PM
Thank you very much, Bobbi.

I will probably use that one in a meeting tomorrow morning.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 07, 2012, 04:22:56 AM
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on September 07, 2012, 09:59:23 AM
Those were all clever but the Schwartz one made me laugh out loud, as the kids say.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on September 09, 2012, 02:12:58 AM
In the 1900s, an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades, its primary industry had been its textile mills. But now the mills were all closed, and unemployment was at an all-time high.

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who was looking for someone to take over his thriving hunting-dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals but was willing to unload the business for a fraction of its value so that he could retire.

The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed, and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.

But even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on September 09, 2012, 02:50:06 AM
Quite possibly, but I doubt it, the original shaggy dog story.
MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 24, 2012, 10:07:50 PM
These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 3,000 miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: What for? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna boys' choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna boys' choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless and can be handled.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll need to learn it first.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 02, 2012, 11:43:11 AM
True story:

Yesterday I killed a rather large black widow spider at work.  The bug spray didn't do much, but the WD-40 took care of it.

I rustled up a box for the dead spider, and showed it to a few friends (the spider, not the box).

One of my friends commented "Wow, that's a Microsoft spider!"

"What do you mean?  How so?"

"It still has an hourglass, long after it's dead!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 05, 2012, 01:51:36 PM
My Halloween costume at work:

I have a history of unusual costumes.  This year was no exception.

We had a get-together in a conference room to show off costumes, with presentations as needed.

I ducked out and phoned in.  Several people asked why I phoned in, when I had been there at the site.

I replied that as several of them had observed, my costume was "the invisible man."

"For my presentation, I would like to do a bit of pantomime."  (Yes, the invisible man doing pantomime.)  Here is me walking against a stiff wind: (pause).  Here I am walking up a flight of stairs: (pause).  Help! I am trapped in a box!  (another pause).

In conclusion, I requested that they all go out the following week and vote for me, the Invisible Man, for President.  That's how we get transparency in government!

- A

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 08, 2012, 01:37:07 AM
Quote
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Wrong answer, everybody knows that the only way to discourage drop bears is to apply liberal amounts of vegemite to your armpits before heading out into the bush!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on November 08, 2012, 04:38:18 AM
Well you certainly seem very knowledgeable about this, Bobbi, so I'll take your word for it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on November 12, 2012, 07:06:45 AM
This one's a bit rude ...


How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire: one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng  glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends.'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet its head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today.'

Colin, the tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 12, 2012, 03:40:43 PM
Ouch!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 17, 2012, 10:30:06 AM
I'm still laughing...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 24, 2012, 02:58:09 AM
I'm not sure whether this post belongs here or in WORDS.



There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this!

We must preserve the exclusivity and, above all, the purity of the English language.

To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English, and only English, deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.

To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, especially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned.

I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions.

It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes!

The whole mynseh is a pain in my tuchas!
=
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 03, 2013, 04:48:57 PM
True story:  Over the holiday, one of my friends at work fell into a trap.  He met someone who convinced him that China was doing a significant trade in illegal harvesting of human organs from dissidents kept in jail cells for this purpose.  Organlegging.  How many times have we heard urban legends of this stuff?  Snopes is usually quite helpful in weeding this out, but my friend broadcasted an email without checking.  Later, he broadcasted an apology for the previous email.

After some thought, I could not let this go.  I sent him a more private reply to the effect that these organlegging rumors have been rampant for as long as there has been an internet, and that they are always a scam.  But on a more humorous note:

These do tend to catch your ear.

A while ago I tried to do business with one of those organleggers, but I just didn't have the stomach for it.

We need more competition in this market.  These days spare parts can cost you an arm and a leg!

A while ago I tried to start an organ warehouse specializing only in corneal transplants for sheep.  (But I only have eyes for ewe.)

Let the punnery commence!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on January 04, 2013, 07:45:00 AM
You've got a lot of gall to accuse me of trafficking in human organs!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 04, 2013, 02:02:50 PM
I had hoped you might find this humerus.   :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: cb on January 04, 2013, 10:27:41 PM
I can't stomach any more of this!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on January 04, 2013, 10:32:21 PM
Take heart, CB, it won't be lung before the puns run out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Gaye Christine on January 04, 2013, 11:40:02 PM
a non-amos, I think you are telling fibias!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 05, 2013, 02:16:10 PM
I am not ribbing you.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on January 25, 2013, 10:59:26 PM



    These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

     

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

    8 years old, Hateful little bastard.   Bites!

    ___________________________________________

     

    FREE PUPPIES

    1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    ________________________________________________

     

    FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

    Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

    _______________________________________________________

     

    COWS, CALVES:   NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.

    ________________________________________________________

     

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

    Must sell washer and dryer £100.

    _____________________________________________________________

     

    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

    Worn once by mistake.

    Call Stephanie .

    ___________________________________________________________

     

    And the WINNER is...

     

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.   Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.

    Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

    No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

     

    (Statement of the Century)

    ___________________________________________________________

     

    Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker   --   Billy Connolly .

     

    "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

     

    How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

    ____________________________________________________________

     

    Children Are Quick

     

    TEACHER:   Why are you late?

    STUDENT:   Class started before I got here.

     

    ____________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.

    __________________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

    GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

    TEACHER:   No, that's wrong

    GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    (I Love this child)

    ____________________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

    DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.

    __________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

    WINNIE:   Me!

    __________________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    _______________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

    MILLIE:   I is.

    TEACHER:   No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'

    MILLIE:   All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

    ________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

    but also admitted it.   Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?

    LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

    ______________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    ______________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

    CLYDE :   No, sir.   It's the same dog.

     

    (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

    ___________________________________

     

    TEACHER:   Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD:   A teacher .

     

    __________________________________

     

    Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end

                                          of the tunnel has been turned off.

     

   
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Valerie on February 07, 2013, 11:14:30 AM

An Aussie and a Texan in a bar.
Texan, sucking on big cigar, turns to Aussie and starts bragging in his Texan drawl "Where Aah come from, sonny, Aah can get on maa horse at the homestead in the morning and ride all day and two more days after that and still not reach the boundary of maa ranch".
The Aussie, sucking on a bit of grass, turns to the Texan and says "Yeah, mate, I know what you mean ... I had a horse like that once."

 
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Dragonman on February 07, 2013, 09:34:06 PM
You can learn many things from children....how much patience you have for instance

Dragonman
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on March 22, 2013, 09:07:35 PM


A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep!


Now give me back my dog!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 23, 2013, 09:29:25 AM
Priceless pat, and two punchlines to boot   :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on March 26, 2013, 11:50:06 AM
An odd topic came up at work today.

If a NASCAR race were held in the southern hemisphere, would all the drivers turn right?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on March 26, 2013, 01:17:24 PM
If they turned wrong, it sure would be a mess!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on March 28, 2013, 01:07:04 PM
I guess it would be OK if they turned wrong.  It might be a mess if not all of them turned wrong.   ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on May 09, 2013, 12:16:14 PM
We have a weekly contest in pub trivia.  One of the challenges is to come up with a creative team name.

Our team name for this week:

If I had a pet sea cow, I would name him Hugh.  Oh, the Hugh manatee!

 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 26, 2013, 12:35:02 PM
Conversation at the pub this evening:

A lady asked me if I am a ventriloquist.

I answered no, but the guy sitting next to me said that I am.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 27, 2013, 11:09:18 PM
Some clever anagrams:


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 27, 2013, 11:13:58 PM
This one's a bit rude...


All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.  Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin & Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', highballs' & just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.




Thought for the day: More money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on June 28, 2013, 03:34:03 PM
That last line made me laugh aloud, Pat.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 01, 2013, 12:47:10 PM
I'm afraid I might have punned Mrs. A rather badly this morning.

She is afraid of the tunnels going under the Chesapeake Bay.  She feels much better about them when she is the only person in the car, but has a much harder time when there are other people in the car with her.

I told her she might have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on July 04, 2013, 05:25:09 AM
Good one anon    :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 18, 2013, 12:57:21 PM
Joke for today:

Had you heard about the most recent terrorist attack?

They hijacked a plane full of bagpipers, accordion players, and lawyers.

Now they are threatening to release them, one every hour, until their demands are met.

 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 03, 2013, 07:14:16 PM
                    LOVING HUSBAND


                    Sandy has two of the best tickets for the Scotland v England 6 Nations decider at the Murrayfield Stadium. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

                    "No", he says, "the seat is empty."

                    "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat for this game, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

                    Sandy says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first game we haven't been to together since we got married."

                    "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
                     

                    Sandy shakes his head...

                    ...."No. They're all at the funeral."

     
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 05, 2013, 04:11:16 AM
A man is alone in an airport lounge.  A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by trying to identify the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

'Ryanair'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Gaye Christine on October 05, 2013, 05:59:31 PM
 I snorted  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on October 06, 2013, 03:57:10 AM
Pat, I read both of your most recent items to my wife (I had her read about customer service issues (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryanair#Customer_service) before reading the last one), and she who rarely laughs aloud, laughed at both!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 06, 2013, 04:35:33 AM
Having checked out that link, Trex, all I can say is that it's good to have a laugh after you've cried! What an airline. Or, more precisely, what a boss.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on October 07, 2013, 10:45:30 AM
Actual Complaints Received by Thomas Cook Vacations From Dissatisfied Customers
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on October 07, 2013, 02:11:50 PM
Wonderful! My favo(u)rite is the kids being scared of the fish in the water. What did they expect to find in the sea, I wonder.

 :D :D :D

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on October 07, 2013, 05:13:49 PM
Quote
I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

Imagine how popular a resort that guaranteed a mozzie-free experience would be?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 07, 2013, 07:13:38 PM
Before I discovered the pleasure of plodding through jungles, my foreign holidays consisted of a week's lounging by a hotel pool. On one such occasion there were two British couples nearby. One man spent quite some time complaining to the other couple about the sort of things in the Thomas Cook list posted by TRex: too much foreign food; too many people on the beach etc. His final complaint was, 'Even the toilet moves'. The other, long-suffering man, finally coming to the end of his tether, said, "Well that's handy. You can bring it down to the pool with you to save having to go back inside when you need a ****."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 07, 2013, 10:12:12 PM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030?

 

· Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions

· White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

· Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

· Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burka: Sharia law must be enforced.

. The Japanese announce that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

· Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

· Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

· Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

· Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

· Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

· Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

· After a ten-year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove that diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

· Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

· Supreme Court rules that punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

· Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

· New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

· Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

· Bradford won this year's FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Hobbit on October 08, 2013, 03:08:05 AM
I'm nine hours in to working a long, eleven and a half hour day and am just starting to flag :(  I read TRex's posting and just laughed out loud - just simply hilarious.  Did me the power of good.  Can face the last two and a half hours now.
Pat - I found your posting scarily prophetic!  Had to go back to Thomas Cook to cheer myself back up again.   :-C
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 25, 2013, 09:15:16 PM
I read this in the paper:

"A 37-stone man who was told that he'd need to buy two tickets for himself on a flight to Ireland forked out the extra cash - only to find when he boarded the plane that his seats weren't even next to each other. Going out, Les Price's seats were separated by one belonging to another passenger. On the way back, they weren't even in the same row."

A rich vein for a comedian to mine!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on October 26, 2013, 02:04:33 AM
37 stone?? That seemed huge, so I did some calculation (that is one non-metric unit not used in the U.S.) .... oh my, that is huge! He's lucky they didn't make him buy three seats!

Speaking of non-metric: which two countries besides the U.S. do not use the metric system? (Who knows without researching?)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 26, 2013, 02:55:20 AM
We use metric in this country as well as avoir dupois. We use both for distance measurements, too, but for some reason we've always been reluctant to abandon the non-metric versions. For example in supermarkets, goods are usually priced per kilo, but the equivalent price in pounds is also given. Maybe once the generation that grew up with pounds & ounces and feet & inches has all expired, metric will be king.

But don't you give people's weights in pounds in the UK, TRex? I'm sure I've seen it in American novels.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on October 26, 2013, 03:04:37 AM
But don't you give people's weights in pounds in the UK, TRex? I'm sure I've seen it in American novels.

People's weights are normally given in pounds in the U.S.; it is stone which is not used.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on October 26, 2013, 08:20:28 PM
I grew up with non-metric units, but I've got so used to litres and kilos that I get confused by gallons and pounds now, especially when an Imperial gallon (UK) is not the same as an American gallon.

Americans also use quarts, which UK seldom did. I believe when we joined the EEC we were supposed to gradually switch to metric units, although we were to be allowed to continue to measure beer and milk in pints.

Some other old measurements persist: Furlongs are still used in horse-racing, of course, and a cricket pitch is still 22 yards (or one chain) in length. Not forgetting the good old 'yard of ale'.

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 26, 2013, 09:37:52 PM
I grew up with non-metric units, too, but I still have to mentally convert them. For example, 35cm means nothing to me until I roughly convert it into inches. I have a pedometer app on my iPod which tells me how many kilometres I've walked and I have to convert them to miles before they mean anything.

I can remember having to learn the charts by heart at school: 16 ounces to a pound, 14 pounds to a stone, 2 stones to a quarter, 4 quarters to a hundredweight, 20 hundredweight to a ton. Sighs nostalgically.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Gaye Christine on October 26, 2013, 11:16:59 PM
... especially when an Imperial gallon (UK) is not the same as an American gallon.

I had no idea, so thanks mkenuk!!  I just went into a website and converted 1 litre (we only use metric in South Africa) and I see pints, quarts and gallons are all different for British and US measurements.  I actually always thought a quart was 2 litres but now see a bit more than 1 litre.  The more you learn ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on October 27, 2013, 04:02:52 PM
Speaking of non-metric: which two countries besides the U.S. do not use the metric system? (Who knows without researching?)

Answer: Liberia and Myanmar (Burma). (Isn't the U.S. in good company?)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on October 27, 2013, 05:34:00 PM
Burma / Myanmar will probably be forced to go fully metric in a year or two due to new ASEAN regulations, although in neighbouring Thailand some vestiges of the old non-decimal systems remain; some kinds of cloth are still sold by the yard, in the markets many small items are sold by the dozen, and the inch (measured with the finger) is still a popular (though unofficial) unit.

Still on the subject, are there any countries which have a non-decimal system of currency? UK 'went decimal' in 1971 as I remember, and we were one of the last.

MK

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Gaye Christine on October 28, 2013, 03:35:04 PM
Still on the subject, are there any countries which have a non-decimal system of currency? UK 'went decimal' in 1971 as I remember, and we were one of the last.

Mauritania and Madagascar
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on October 31, 2013, 02:30:26 PM
This last week I had the rare opportunity to use a sailing joke.  This one is better when pronounced.

Had you heard about the old sailor who got a butt transplant?

Now he has a foreign aft.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on November 01, 2013, 01:33:44 AM
Since we have a lot of people here from Oz, I thought I'd share this (no offence intended):
(http://i.imgur.com/oi4pntm.jpg)

(But what does this say about Tasmania?)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 21, 2013, 04:06:12 PM
a talented cat?

This Sunday afternoon our band got together to practice in my dining room.  We got to the end of a familiar Irish tune and stopped. The music continued at a low volume after we had stopped.

This transitioned into another tune, and some debate ensued.  We tried to identify the second tune, to no avail.

Eventually we were curious about where the music was coming from.  I did some poking around and got back with the group.  I told them, "Don't worry about it; it's just one of the cats."

I know, this brings up bad memories of cats meowing tunes on YouTube.  This was not that; it was strictly instrumental and not vocal.

Sue asked if our cat normally played Celtic music, so I had to respond "No, he normally plays either classical or jazz."

In our basement we have a motion detector rigged to a radio.  Whenever we go down there to do laundry or whatever, we have music.  One of our cats has recently adopted the habit of going down there to trip the sensor, play some music, and take a nap.

The radio is tuned to WVTF (our local station for National Public Radio), so it normally plays classical during the day and jazz in the evening.  On Sunday afternoon their "Thistle and Shamrock" program plays Celtic music.

Cheers!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on January 14, 2014, 09:37:38 PM
It didn't take long and it was predictable:



Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
 
Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
 
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
 
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
 
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
 
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

 

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Gaye Christine on January 29, 2014, 01:51:17 AM
A few puns  ;D

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 27, 2014, 01:33:30 PM
I'll just post the link, since this is quite a long document. I laughed until I cried over some of these:

"21 Kids Who Got the Answer Wrong"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/25/funny-homework-answers_n_4914168.html (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/25/funny-homework-answers_n_4914168.html)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 27, 2014, 05:44:31 PM
Thanks, birdy. That got my day off to a good start!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 29, 2014, 09:07:55 AM
Thanks Birdy from me too - loads of chuckles in there.

When I was 7, I wrote a short essay about my Mum at school and I said that she had knobbly knees (largely because we had been doing words with a silent K in spelling that week and this concept fascinated me.) My Mum was outraged and never let me forget it.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 01, 2014, 01:08:23 AM
Did you ever read the Art Linkletter book, Kids Say the Darnedest Things?  Very funny.  They just don't look at the world the way adults do.  My cousin posts the funny sayings of her two young boys on Facebook, and they always make me laugh.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 12, 2014, 02:22:55 PM
So . . .

In medieval times, an elderly monk was hunched over a scroll he was transcribing.

He paused to read it, and jumped off of his stool exclaiming.  He then grasped his chest and collapsed from a heart attack, dead as a doornail.

He immediately found himself at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter asked him, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "The word was not supposed to be celibate, it was celebrate!"

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 18, 2014, 12:06:26 PM
Bad joke for the day (this one pertains to soccer and/or football):

This morning I used a coffee stirrer.

I then had a whorled cup.

 :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on June 18, 2014, 06:46:01 PM
I suppose you then spun it around ........

........ making it a whirled cup!

ba-boom!

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 19, 2014, 01:06:24 PM
I was uncertain, so spent a few minutes to check my facts on word usage.

My first instinct was to use "whirled".  I was convinced to use "whorled" instead.

I am not saying that I am right, only that I made the effort.

I welcome any and all comments from forumites.  It's a sad day when I don't learn anything.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on July 07, 2014, 05:06:16 AM
I don't know if this is true or not, but I hope it is.

This happened at a New York Airport.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled and a single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first  and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
 
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on August 31, 2014, 12:48:51 PM
Had I yet told you about my cousin?

She always takes extra batteries when she goes to the beach.

She sells C-cells by the sea shore.

 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on October 16, 2014, 02:16:31 PM
Bad joke for the day:

What spice means the same as (has the same meaning as) any other spice?










Wait for it . . .







synonym
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on October 17, 2014, 08:23:36 PM
I should have seen that cumin.

baboom!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on October 18, 2014, 12:11:21 PM
Had you also heard that calendars are extremely bad luck?

Seriously, if you take one look at a calendar your days are numbered.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 13, 2015, 07:29:21 PM
You can substitute the name of any 'favourite' politician in this one:

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Cameron, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it wouldn't be an accident either.

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 13, 2015, 08:08:15 PM
Love it Pat!
Love 'Little Johnny' jokes

Our Prime Minister and his party would fit equally well!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 15, 2015, 09:25:42 PM
Our Prime Minister and his party would fit equally well!

I see what you mean, Smaug. I've just been reading that Tony Abbott is desperately trying to prevent the Great Barrier Reef from being classed as 'in danger' (which it is) in order to allow half of Queensland to be turned into a coal mine (OK, slight exaggeration). It seems that money trumps all no matter what country you live in.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 15, 2015, 09:33:57 PM
In the recent Budget Pat there was barely a  mention of the environment or climate change, let alone money to be spent.

On another note there are terrible things happening with Palm Oil plantation spread and deforestation in Borneo and Sumatra

http://www.palmoilinvestigations.org/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 15, 2015, 09:48:31 PM
I find it utterly depressing, the way we're blindly destroying the planet. Even now there are still climate change deniers who, in my opinion, are just as stupid as the holocaust deniers. Or maybe it's not stupidity but simply a refusal to believe that their profits are not what the world needs more than anything else. Me, me, me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on May 17, 2015, 08:29:04 PM
I get boiling mad!
Bloody idiots the lot of em
Nowhere is safe and you are dead right Pat its all about money and short term policy
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 16, 2015, 04:18:05 PM
Excuse me, but we're not all bloody idiots.

Over the last few decades my pet projects at work have included finding ways to tread more lightly on the planet we share.

As a general rule, these projects have shown better guardianship of the planet at large, better functionality of the products we design, and reduced cost of production.

These projects have also reduced (almost eliminated) our dependence on raw materials provided by rebel groups who use kidnapped children as slave labor in unregulated strip mining of rain forests.  When the kidnapped children are fed, it is bush meat.  Only google "bush meat" if you have a strong stomach.  They kill gorillas and chimpanzees for food.

I should probably not say much about meetings at work, but I do feel safe in stating that we have adopted internal policies that are "greener" and far better in terms of global human rights.  I also feel safe in stating that our products work better and cost less to manufacture.

This was on the tail of another project that did eliminate our emissions of some rather horrendous greenhouse gasses (100% reduction).  Quite frankly, it was costing us too much for the chemicals that were trashing the planet.  Other companies followed our lead, so the total impact was greater than expected.  That's a different story.

Smaug, I really do feel your outrage.  Have you done anything about this?

Pat, I understand that you find this utterly depressing.  Have you lost hope?

There are other things we all can do.  Seemingly small things can have impact.  This might not be appropriate for a thread dedicated to humor.  Should we start a new thread, maybe "save the planet" or something similar but not quite as cliché?  I have some ideas that might need your help.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on June 16, 2015, 11:44:16 PM
Hey!  This got serious fast.

MAKE WITH THE HA HA, JOKE MONKEYS
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on June 17, 2015, 12:26:37 PM
Hi a non amos
what a great idea !

and lease forgive me if I have given offence
But are you a climate change denier or politician - to whom I was directing my comment :D

My thing is the use of palm oil which is ravaging Indonesian and Malaysian rainforest
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 22, 2015, 12:57:42 PM
I must agree with Ensiform.  I have always valued the humor in this thread.

We need to take this serious discussion elsewhere.  I am starting a thread "environment".

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on June 23, 2015, 08:19:42 AM
We need to take this serious discussion elsewhere.  I am starting a thread "environment".


Great idea
Maybe the posts leading to this decision could be moved across to start the ball rolling?
I am not technically adept enough to do so, let alone know if its possible!!
S
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on June 23, 2015, 01:07:05 PM
I've put a note in the thread that a non-amos started, linking back to the start of the relevant posts here.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: smaug on June 23, 2015, 02:38:59 PM
Thanks Alan!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 25, 2015, 02:06:55 PM
And now we should get back to the original topic.

How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows.  We haven't found any who are willing to do anything productive.

(note to those who don't know me as well:  yes, I'm an engineer)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on June 30, 2015, 02:35:08 PM
This one is from my daughter:

What do you get when you cross a really good joke with a rhetorical question?



 . . .



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 02, 2015, 01:34:58 PM
Fun with a car dealership (a true story):

A local car dealer is moving to a new location and building a new showroom.  They sent out emails to previous customers.  They want to engrave our names into bricks and build them into a "wall of fame" to remind employees that their business is built on their customers.  It is left unstated that if our names are inscribed on their wall we might have some sense of pride and we might go back there for our next automotive purchase.

They wanted permission to use our names, and they wanted to know how we would like our names to appear on the brick.  If you know much about me, you will immediately realize that I saw this as a golden opportunity to have some fun.

I requested that our names should appear as "Montresor and Fortunato."

These are the two characters in Edgar Allan Poe's short story "The Cask of Amontillado."

For those of you who have not yet read this, I might need to mention that Poe tends to explore the darker side of human nature.  Death.  Insanity.  Death.  Revenge.  Did I mention death?  He was instrumental in inventing the genre of horror, and some would say he was the inventor.  This is also one of the most perfectly written short stories, ever.

Read "The Cask of Amontillado" on a dark and windy night, maybe in November.  If you have already read it, consider reading it again.  It only takes a few minutes (well worth the time).

Whether this is new to you or if you are rereading it, this will stay with you forever.

I will not spoil the plot for those who have not yet read this masterpiece, but I would ask how creepy it would be to find these names inscribed on a brick in a wall.

The guy at the car dealership replied.  He wanted to confirm the names to be inscribed (written in stone, as it were).  Those names seemed to have nothing to do with our real names.

I told him that these names had special meaning to us.  They are pen names.  >:D

They are proceeding at full speed to make a brick engraved with "Montresor and Fortunato" for inclusion into their wall.

This joke might outlive me.

Note to Alan:  How often does a joke recommend further reading?  It's all for the general good.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on July 03, 2015, 12:12:22 PM
'Cask of Amontillado' gave me nightmares when I first encountered it, aged about 14-15. I still find it very creepy.

Poe was apparently terrified of being buried alive - illnesses such a catalepsy and narcolepsy were little understood in the late 19th century. I believe he left orders that there should be holes drilled in his coffin and 'breathing tubes' buried along with him.

He certainly went a long way to popularizing  the 'horror' genre, but did he invent it? Probably not. Some fairly nasty things happen in 'Titus Andronicus' for example, and John Webster's plays include at least one example of premature entombment.

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on July 03, 2015, 04:02:13 PM
Poe seems to have had a hand in the founding of more than one literary genre.

His story "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" (1841) is often identified as the first detective story. That, and two other stories featuring the amateur sleuth C Auguste Dupin, pre-date Sherlock Holmes by decades. In fact, the first of Poe's stories pre-dates the word detective!

And science fiction writer and critic Thomas M Disch, in his book The Dreams our Stuff is Made of, suggested, perhaps tongue-in-cheek, that Poe was the founder of science fiction too. His argument, as I recall it, was not based on Poe's subject matter, but on the spirit in which his stories were written and read - reveling in the fantastical, the grotesque, secret ciphers, global conspiracies, etc.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 04, 2015, 12:11:58 PM
How delicious is it that those two names will be inscribed on a brick in their wall?  This type of joke might be better on April Fool's Day, but the opportunity presented itself.  This joke might very well outlive me.

Let's make with more funnies!

Pavlov walked into a bar.  The phone rang.  He said, "Oh, drat, I forgot to feed my dog!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Tom44 on July 06, 2015, 04:25:37 AM
A word question joke:

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on July 06, 2015, 11:41:05 AM
This one from my daughter:

What do you get when you cross a really good joke with a rhetorical question?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on July 23, 2015, 06:43:28 AM
I love it, A-non!  Very clever.  If I saw that I would immediately smile at the black humor of the prankster who filled in those names.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on November 08, 2015, 10:51:39 PM
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewellery store on a Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000,' the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, 'Sir...There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend.’
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on January 02, 2016, 01:19:13 PM
from my daughter....

A man goes into a zoo, but he can't see any animals. Not one.

He searches and searches until eventually he sees a small dog.


It was a shiatsu


 >:D

Happy New Year, everybody

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on January 04, 2016, 02:40:38 AM
That's a good one!  ;D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 19, 2016, 06:28:28 AM
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly anointed
angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said,
"Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a
while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and
escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the
demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are
supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going
to get a lawyer?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on May 15, 2016, 07:46:30 PM
Actual analogies used in high school essays. The students might not make it as authors but they certainly have active imaginations!



When she tried to sing it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.

Her eyes twinkled like the moustache of a man with a cold.

She was like a magnet: attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.

The ballerina rose gracefully and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.

The lamp just sat there like an inanimate object.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed together by a Tight Master.

Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkled but because they were so far apart.

His career was blowing up like a man with a broken metal detector walking through an active minefield.

The sun was below the watery horizon like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.

Their love burned with the fierce intensity of a urinary tract infection.

It's basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.

If it was any colder it would be like being in a place that's a little colder than it is here.

Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.

The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formally surcharge-free ATM.

He felt confused. As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on May 15, 2016, 09:20:49 PM
I'm still smiling at some of these - they're brilliant.

I've always been a great fan of Raymond Chandler, whose novels abound in such similes:

..'a waiter with evil eyes and a face like a gnawed bone...'
..' I shook his hand; it felt like shaking hands with a towel rack.'
"I gave him a dollar and it went into his pocket with a sound like two caterpillars fighting.'
'The elevator....an elderly perfume in it, like three widows drinking tea.'
'A minute crept by like a sick cockroach.'

Some of your quotations, Pat, are almost worthy of the great man himself. I wonder if the teacher who set the students this exercise had Chandler in mind?

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Tom44 on May 28, 2016, 02:37:58 PM
Speaking of changing light bulbs.  How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?  Apparently, only one.  But I wouldn't want to be the one.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded
(sorry - don't know how to make it a hot link)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on May 28, 2016, 03:41:40 PM
Hope he is getting good reception
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: yelnats on May 28, 2016, 10:59:33 PM
and he'd have to take a selfie, wouldn't he!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 26, 2016, 08:31:46 PM
Must be about time for a couple of new one liners ( i wasn't about to scroll through 136 pages of previous posts so i do hope that these haven't been posted before.}

Just thought that forumites might appreciate the play on words ;

1. What’s the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snowballs.

2. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

3. How do fish get high?

Seaweed.

4. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything’s fine. He woke up.

5. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

6. Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert.

Because they’re always stuffed.

7. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

8. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

9. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

10. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: ensiform on June 27, 2016, 03:44:39 AM
I loved #9.

The atom one reminded me of this multi-punchline science joke:

A proton, neutron, and electron go out to dinner.

At the end, the bill comes.  Everyone gets out their money.

The proton says, "I'll pay for yours, neutron."

The neutron says, "Are you sure?"

The proton says, "I'm positive!  For you, no charge!"

The electron says, "This is the worst."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 27, 2016, 09:20:23 AM
 :)

I would come back with a science joke but all the good ones argon.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Dragonman on June 27, 2016, 07:21:48 PM
Biggerbirdbrain,

was that a light bulb moment???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 27, 2016, 09:49:50 PM
Gooday Dragonman ,

Have not spoken directly to you before but have certainly noticed you on the scoreboard ... very impressive ...& yes , you are certainly one of those players that i at least try to keep in touch with on the scoreboard.

Don't know too many dragon related jokes & you've probably heard this one before but it was the best i could come up with ;

Father has three daughters who are all getting married on the same day.
He asks his oldest daughter, ''Whom do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.''
He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.''
He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one dragon on the floor!''

Cheers Les

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Dragonman on June 29, 2016, 02:00:09 AM
Hi Les

I hadn't heard that one before....must try to remember it.

keep on playing and good luck

Dragonman
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on October 21, 2016, 09:01:02 PM
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," the serviceman told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!"

"Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," said the serviceman, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Maudland on October 22, 2016, 06:08:00 AM
 :D
Now there's a title for your autobiography, Alan!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Calilasseia on October 25, 2016, 09:21:21 PM
Science themed joke I found somewhere else ...

1st Chemist: "Can I have a glass of H2O?"

2nd Chemist: "Can I have a glass of water too?"

1st chemist bursts into tears - his assassination attempt had just failed.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on October 27, 2016, 02:05:16 PM
This one is very good, but I might need to offer a translation.  Not everyone has studied chemistry as much as you have.

The intended reply of "Can I have a glass of H2O, too?" can be easily mistaken for H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, which is very dangerous and quite toxic in its pure form.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on October 27, 2016, 04:43:15 PM
Thanks for that A , as i have to admit that i didn't get it which makes it even funnier. ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Calilasseia on October 28, 2016, 08:42:37 AM
This one is very good, but I might need to offer a translation.  Not everyone has studied chemistry as much as you have.

The intended reply of "Can I have a glass of H2O, too?" can be easily mistaken for H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, which is very dangerous and quite toxic in its pure form.

- A

Actually, it's not so much toxic in concentrated form, as lethally corrosive. 90% hydrogen peroxide in contact with any organic material will result in said material undergoing spontaneous combustion, courtesy of the fact that hydrogen peroxide is a viciously powerful oxidising agent. If you try drinking it, you'll die from the effects of bursting into flames long before any toxic effects manifest themselves!

Dilute hydrogen peroxide, however, can be toxic. Which hasn't stopped some stupid people from suggesting intravenous injection thereof as a supposed cancer cure. First, you'll die from oxidative haemolysis long before the cancer kills you if a sufficient dose is administered. Second, even if a non-lethal dose reaches your internals, the horrific damage that will eventually result, as a consequence of all those free radicals partying hard in your body will give you cancer, not cure it. But I've learned never to underestimate the stupidity of some, or in the case of quack medical practitioners, the venality thereof.

Apparently, the terrifying experience of some Messerschmitt Me 163 pilots hasn't registered with some. For those unfamiliar with this, the Me163 was the world's only operational rocket powered fighter aircraft, which was propelled by a rocket engine the size of a briefcase, but which delivered what was at the time a whopping 4,000 pounds of thrust, enough to propel what was otherwise little more than a wooden glider to 700 mph. To achieve this speed, the rocket engine used a hair-raising combination of fuel (hydrazine hydrate and alcohol, itself a frighteningly combustible mix) and oxidant (90% hydrogen peroxide). If the plumbing leaked, and spilled peroxide into the cockpit, the pilot was basically a human torch.

Another hazard cost the Russians dearly, courtesy of their using hydrogen peroxide as a monopropellant for torpedoes. A faulty torpedo leaked hydrogen peroxide onto metal, resulting in explosive catalytic decomposition, and the resulting explosion, which also detonated warheads in adjacent torpedoes, sealed the fate of the Kursk nuclear-powered cruise missile submarine. Basically, when hydrogen peroxide comes into contact with various metals, it decomposes into water and oxygen, and the reaction is strongly exothermic, liberating a lot of heat, enough to turn the water to superheated steam in an instant, which of course expands violently. Even a small quantity of concentrated peroxide contacting the wrong metal will ruin your day if you're close enough to be hit by the blast.

To give you an idea how powerful a reagent it is, the next world land speed record attempt, the Bloodhound SSC, will use a peroxide bipropellant rocket in addition to the big jet engine, and the added thrust of the rocket is anticipated to take the car past the 1,000 mph mark. Anyone familiar with basic aerodynamics knows that it takes a hefty dose of thrust to propel even a streamlined aircraft or missile to that speed, and the Bloodhound SSC team are hoping for, wait for it, around 30,000 pounds of thrust from the rocket.

Now if that sounds like a substance you wouldn't want to mess with, there are even more vicious oxidising agents in existence, and the world of rocket propulsion toyed with some of these before the hazards became simply too much to handle. One of these is, quite literally, the King of the Hill of all dangerous chemicals - chlorine trifluoride. Yes, you can bond three fluorine atoms to a chlorine atom, to make something that's far nastier than either of the originals on their own. Fluorine gas itself is vicious to work with, but even that doffs its cap to chlorine trifluoride, which is powerful enough to make sand burst into flames, as cheerfully revealed by the chemist Derek Lowe in this now famous dissertation (http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2008/02/26/sand_wont_save_you_this_time) on the subject. In that piece, he reveals how a ton of the stuff was spilt during some 1950s American rocket experimentation, and it chewed its way through a reinforced concrete floor and the underlying gravel, treating everyone to a fireworks display that no one in the vicinity would forget - at least, those who were smart enough to hightail it out of the area and watch from a safe distance. You know you're dealing with something truly extraordinary, when you see it set fire to snow. Derek Lowe also treats his regular readers to this nice video clip (http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2013/04/05/chlorine_trifluoride_some_empirical_findings) illustrating what happens when this stuff cuts loose. Watch that video clip and be very afraid of what this stuff can do.

Incidentally, anyone with a chemistry background will have a huge amount of fun reading Derek Lowe's blog section Things I Won't Work With, in which he takes his audience on a Baedecker Tour of some of the most lunatic concoctions ever to be synthesised in a chemistry lab. People are clamouring for him to compile a book with all of this in, and you'll soon find out why if you take a peek at his handiwork.

All of which leads nicely to ...

How many German chemists does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you can supply with blast shields.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anona on October 28, 2016, 09:25:35 AM
I thought it was odd when the hospital gave me hydrogen peroxide to gargle with after I had my tonsils out. Now it sounds even odder!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on October 28, 2016, 05:00:33 PM
anona ,what a shame that calilasseia didn't take the time to offer a more comprehensive explanation as i am sure that if the response had been just a little bit more detailed than the few paltry lines that were posted then it surely would have included an answer to your particular experience. :)

Alan , i also noticed that this light bulb thread has been read an amazing 267,161 times ( i am normally pretty happy if a thread that i have initiated receives more than one reply )
so i am assuming that this would be the record for the number of views of any chi post?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on October 29, 2016, 02:56:26 AM
Alan , i also noticed that this light bulb thread has been read an amazing 267,161 times ( i am normally pretty happy if a thread that i have initiated receives more than one reply )
so i am assuming that this would be the record for the number of views of any chi post?


Yes, this post has the record number of views. Followed by "Dedicated to Linda" with 145,338 views. But Linda's thread has more posts than this thread has.

Post NameViewsReplies
Forumites changing light bulbs267,2472,049
Dedicated to Linda145,3382,196

You can view these and many other stats by clicking on "[More Stats]" on the home page. It's toward the bottom of the page in the Forum Stats section.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on October 29, 2016, 08:52:36 AM
Thanks anonsi , i'll check it out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Calilasseia on November 03, 2016, 10:47:13 AM
I thought it was odd when the hospital gave me hydrogen peroxide to gargle with after I had my tonsils out. Now it sounds even odder!

Weak solutions have in the past been used topically as bactericides, but even a 3% solution is going to leave visible signs of its application on the skin if not applied with care.

Frankly, the thought of gargling even with a weak solution makes me shudder, given what I know about its chemistry. It'll kill lots of bacteria, certainly, as will any sufficiently powerful oxidising agent, but finding an oxidising agent that will destroy bacteria without the risk of destroying you if it's not applied with great care, is difficult to put it mildly. Which is why other compounds tend to be chosen preferentially for the purpose. The problem here is if you accidentally swallow any of it whilst gargling, even a weak solution is going to make you regret this.

To give you an idea of how chemists view this substance, 30% peroxide is considered a cause for concern if you spill it on yourself, and a 70% solution is generally handled when wearing chain mail gloves. As Derek Lowe explains over on his blog, this isn't hyperbole - if you visit any chemistry lab that stores 70% peroxide, there's a nice set of woven metal gloves accompanying the bottle. They're provided so that if you accidentally spill some on your hand, the contact with metal will trigger catalytic decomposition before it reaches your flesh, and starts oxidising that. 70% is powerful enough to leave chemical burns that persist for months, but has the added nasty feature that you don't immediately notice what's happening, until you start itching like mad. By then, it's too late, and you're going to be given a crash course in plastic surgery to repair the damage.

The good news is that if you know you've spilt some 70% on you, and act quickly, washing the affected site with lots of water prevents significant damage from occurring. Alternatively, plunging the affected area into lubricating oil will give the chemical something easier to attack. The bad news is that if your bottle of reagent contains high-test peroxide (95% or stronger), you won't have chance to do that, because the part of you that's hit by any spillage will burst into flames. I'm consequently more than a little alarmed at the revelation that one chemist transported a bottle of high test peroxide from one lab to another, by cradling the bottle between his legs whilst driving. If he'd been hit by another vehicle during the journey, and the bottle had ruptured, he'd have become a human torch quicker than you can say "Guy Fawkes".

If you really want to oxidise something recalcitrant, however, you can bubble ozone into your peroxide solution, and hit your target with a reagent that will guarantee oxidation of anything other than substances that have already been oxidised beforehand. This mixture won't have an effect on sand, unlike the vicious chlorine trifluoride I mentioned above, but this is a mixture you really do not want to spill on yourself.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on November 09, 2016, 02:10:08 PM
Shall we please get back to humor?

Today I have a 2 for 1.  Two jokes in one post.  If you like only half my posts, you might be amused by at least one.

My boss at work is in the UK, so he might not know how things work over here.  Either that or he is not paying attention.  I informed him that we have 21 voting locations in Roanoke City, and that it takes extreme effort and quite a bit of time to vote in each of them.  The time factor can be even more significant if there is a waiting line at any of them.  Obviously I would need the entire day off to do my civic duties.

That should have been bad enough, but he actually approved the time off for me to cast multiple votes in various locations.  I had to phone him to explain that this was a joke, and that the concept of "one person one vote" is still alive and well on this side of the pond.

Second joke:

We had a meeting early this morning, and he asked me if I had voted.  I told him that I must have gotten thoroughly lost on my way to the voting location; I ended up mistakenly voting for brexit.   ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2016, 11:45:11 AM
Oh, thank goodness - something to laugh about after the recent election!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Calilasseia on November 15, 2016, 02:23:30 PM
How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to tell everyone how great the light bulb will be once it's changed, while the other screws the new bulb into the shower head, because he's mistaken the gold bathroom fittings for electrical sockets.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 15, 2017, 03:03:11 PM
I ran across a few jokes I had not yet heard . . .

What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies,
"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it!"

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says,
"You fellas ought to know your limits."

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says,
"Yes!"

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
They always take things literally.

I’m thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on April 16, 2017, 05:54:17 AM
Not funny. In fact, quite offensive to those who hold the day as sacred.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: yelnats on April 16, 2017, 10:44:23 AM
Without getting into the politics of religion, you may find this Spanish Easter Sunday celebration interesting...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFX2r5R2E8g (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFX2r5R2E8g)

Whereas the Holy week processions are a little too similar to the KKK for most gringos...

https://www.google.com.au/search?q=holy+week+in+spain&espv=2&biw=1309&bih=699&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQydy0ytDLAhXDF6YKHVm6CUcQ_AUIBigB&dpr=1.1 (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=holy+week+in+spain&espv=2&biw=1309&bih=699&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiQydy0ytDLAhXDF6YKHVm6CUcQ_AUIBigB&dpr=1.1)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on April 16, 2017, 12:15:33 PM
BBC is also currently featuring a story on the history of 'the pointed hoody'

http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20170413-this-white-hood-carries-many-meanings

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on April 16, 2017, 01:11:11 PM
It appears that the joke offended some but not all.  It was not my intent to offend any.

It has been removed.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on April 16, 2017, 05:56:42 PM
G'day A ,

You should not be surprised to hear that your joke did not offend me.

I also thought that your response was very impressive as you expressed yourself most succinctly.

Happy Easter to all...Les303
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: yelnats on April 21, 2017, 08:14:00 PM
The comment about sacred days got me thinking about the names of the days...

"The Naming of the Days

The Greeks named the days week after the sun, the moon and the five known planets, which were in turn named after the gods Ares, Hermes, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Cronus. The Greeks called the days of the week the Theon hemerai "days of the Gods". The Romans substituted their equivalent gods for the Greek gods, Mars, Mercury, Jove (Jupiter), Venus, and Saturn. (The two pantheons are very similar.) The Germanic peoples generally substituted roughly similar gods for the Roman gods, Tiu (Twia), Woden, Thor, Freya (Fria), but did not substitute Saturn."
(http://www.crowl.org/Lawrence/time/days.html (http://www.crowl.org/Lawrence/time/days.html))

The Portuguese appear to be the only 'romance' language to have broken away from the ancient gods (ie Sabbath, God's day, 2nd day, 3rd day etc.)
http://www.brazil-help.com/week.htm (http://www.brazil-help.com/week.htm)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on April 22, 2017, 07:29:51 AM
In modern Greek, the days of the week are (literally): Lord's Day, Second Day, Third Day, Fourth Day, Fifth Day, Preparation, Sabbath. I believe most of the Slavic languages are similar.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: mkenuk on April 22, 2017, 01:11:28 PM
In Thailand and most other countries in this part of the world, the days are named, as in the west, for the 'seven luminaries' - the sun, the moon and the five visible planets. Obviously not a coincidence, but historians are not completely sure of how and when it all happened. The names are all derived from Sanskrit and are similar in each language.

By way of contrast, the Thai months are named after the months of the Chinese zodiac - similar to, but different from the western one.

MK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 01, 2017, 03:04:55 AM
This thread needs a new entry!

Let's pretend ...
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 AM, he wakes up, leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying:
"Miss, I'm really sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims with a look of expectancy.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 01, 2017, 03:59:34 PM
Hey birdy , that sounds like an invitation to submit some marriage jokes.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 02, 2017, 09:33:09 AM
LOL - and I really did.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 02, 2017, 02:23:31 PM
Here's a couple more that I hope will make you  :)

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

&

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

&

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 02, 2017, 02:46:24 PM
And almost forgot the one about the wife who tells her husband that if he wants breakfast in bed then he had better sleep in the kitchen.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on June 02, 2017, 03:24:52 PM
Or there's the husband that offers his wife breakfast in bed.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on June 19, 2017, 06:06:26 AM
This one's a bit rude...



(big gap so you can skip it if you might be offended)












A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you've caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he'd taken her advice. “What's wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Dragonman on June 20, 2017, 02:25:48 AM
Another slightly risque one




A young man and his girl were getting passionate on the sofa at her home when her parents were in bed.
The young man stops and says to her
'' sorry love but I need to use the toilet''
''you can't '' she said  ''the bathroom is next to my parents bedroom...you will wake them ''
She tries to distract his need with more  passionate kisses.
''its no good '' he said '' I MUST go to the toilet''
The young lady said '' use the kitchen sink ''
'' I cant do that '' said the young man,horrified at the thought
'' yes you can. It will be OK '' she reassured him
 The young man took himself of to the kitchen.
After a few minutes the girl asked him  '' Have you finished yet? ''











''Yes '' said the young man '' have you got any paper????''





Dragonman ;D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on July 24, 2017, 07:03:38 AM
This could explain why some of you are different from the rest of your family!
 



After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on July 24, 2017, 10:11:08 AM
This one's a bit rude...



(big gap so you can skip it if you might be offended)









Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on July 24, 2017, 10:31:24 AM
Continuing the slightly risqué theme ;








An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.   
"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
 
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
 
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on July 24, 2017, 07:35:17 PM
Please opt out if you are easily offended ;

OPT OUT
OPTOUT
OPTOUT

I bet that even though you might fight it distasteful , you will not be able to resist & will read on regardless.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 03, 2018, 05:05:31 AM
This thread has been ignored for too long - I think we need a laugh.


The Raise

 
The maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense! Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife (increasingly angry): “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: lilys field on January 03, 2018, 11:42:25 AM
Two impeccably groomed poodles sporting bejeweled designer collars minced down the avenue.  A hound dog, approaching them, said: "yawl looking mighty fine today, mighty fine.  How do folks call you?"

The glossy coated black one sniffed:  "My name is Mimi.  That's spelled M-i-m-i."

The toy cocoa, her nose in the air, said, "And, I am Fifi.  F-i-f-i."

"Pleased to meet Maams.  My name is Fido.  That's spelled "P-h-y-d-e-a-u-x."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 10, 2018, 02:36:46 PM
I must disagree with the decision to make "baleen" an uncommon word.

This is common in some regions of the UK, especially in Whales.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Ozzyjack on February 11, 2018, 08:18:15 AM
I must disagree with the decision to make "baleen" an uncommon word.
This is common in some regions of the UK, especially in Whales.

Bravo. Very Punny  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Ozzyjack on February 11, 2018, 08:21:45 AM
From this Morning's Sydney Morning Herald

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.”

“OK! That’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole-wheat gluten-free thin crust?”

“No, you may not! I don't like vegetables.”

“Your cholesterol needs help, sir.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“We cross-referenced your mobile with your medical records, and have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.”

“Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol!

“Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Soul Pharmacy, four months ago.

“I bought the rest at another pharmacy.”

“Not according to your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL?! Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without internet, cable TV, mobiles and jerks watching and spying on me.

“I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago.”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on February 11, 2018, 05:20:35 PM
Just thought that there might be a few out there that can relate to this one ;

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 12, 2018, 01:48:26 AM
I got to thinking about the concept of a beauty pageant in Alaska.

Might the winner be declared a Miss Nomer?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Ozzyjack on February 18, 2018, 04:45:52 PM
Ocker Yobbo came home from the pub feeling no pain and full of bravado to find his wife watching a Gordon Ramsay cooking program on the TV.

OY: what are you watching that for?  You can’t cook worth a damn.
Wife: So what.  You watch porn movies, don’t you?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on February 18, 2018, 09:51:36 PM

A guy was in a clothing store waiting for his girlfriend to finish trying on outfits when he decided to watch something on his iPad.  As he sat down to watch his video, the scantily clad female on his iPad screen grunted and moaned loudly, getting the attention of everyone in the store.
Embarrassed, the guy muted the video and continued to watch.  An older gentleman sat down next to the guy and whispered, “You’re lucky.  When I was your age, I couldn’t get porn on a computer device.  I had to go to an adult video store to rent porn.  Anybody driving down the street could see you, and that could be embarrassing.”
An even older gentleman sat down on the other side of the guy with the iPad.  “You don’t know how lucky you are,” the second older gentleman said.   “When I was your age, if I wanted to watch porn, I had to go to a dark, dirty movie theater and pray that nobody I knew saw me go in or come out.”
A really old gentleman sat down across from the three other men.  This gentleman was so old that his voice trembled as he spoke.  “When I was your age, we didn’t even have adult movie theaters so if I wanted to watch porn, I had to make a couple sock puppets and sew attachments to their…”
The guy with the iPad was so disgusted that he got up and left the three older gentlemen to discuss their various methods of watching porn.
When the guy’s girlfriend came out of the fitting room, she was upset.
“I heard that moaning on your iPad,” the girlfriend said.  “I can’t believe you were watching pornography in public.”
“I wasn’t even watching porn,” the guy said, showing his girlfriend the iPad screen.  “I was watching women’s tennis.”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Hobbit on February 19, 2018, 07:08:11 AM
Hilarious Les!
Pen
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 21, 2018, 03:48:58 PM
I guess love means nothing to them.

 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on February 21, 2018, 04:43:00 PM
Keep em coming,  A, I luv your clever puns.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 24, 2018, 04:14:52 AM
Having accompanied several friends to doctors this week, I found this apropos.  My comments in red.

What the doctor did not mean to say.
 
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [elephants or midgets?]
3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. [The newest diet plan.]
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. [Apparently, she didn't kneed it anymore.]
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. [Apparently had nothing to say.]
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. [Now I've heard of people having their head up there, but here's proof it happens.]
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on March 24, 2018, 04:35:59 AM
Love 'em.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on April 22, 2018, 05:06:36 AM
Excuses from parents for kids not attending school.

“My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.”

“Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“Dear school, please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 31, 31, 32 and also 33.”

“Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”

“Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”

“Chris will not be in school cus he has as acre in his side.”

“Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direa the shits.”

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhoea and his boots leak.”

“Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”

“I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”

“Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.”

“Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”

“Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”

“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”

“Please excuse Burma. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Maudland on April 22, 2018, 09:15:35 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 23, 2018, 10:32:13 AM
The sad thing about those excuses, is that I could identify with some of them. :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on August 20, 2018, 07:18:26 PM
A festival takes place in Scotland every year - the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - where there's a competition for the funniest one-liner. This year's winner was:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

The other jokes making the top ten were:

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring"
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed"
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me"
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?"
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts"
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project"
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it"
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?"
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time"

(Some might not make much sense to non-Brits.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Les303 on August 20, 2018, 08:07:50 PM
Not at all confusing but most amusing for this non - Brit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on September 18, 2018, 01:43:22 PM
I once had a pet manatee named Hugh . . . Oh, the Hugh Manatee!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: yelnats on September 18, 2018, 05:07:22 PM
Quote
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?"

I'm colour blind. I eat my greens and blues, and I go through both blue and green traffic lights.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on September 23, 2018, 01:37:16 PM
Seriously, it is a very good idea to make allowances for the color blind.

Many times I have to write documents and policies.  Color can be a very useful tool in linking related information and making the meaning easier to interpret, but it doesn't work for all people.

Color coding should stay away from red and green; this is the most common form of color blindness.  Instead, use yellow and blue; color blindness to yellow and blue is much rarer.  There are also the standby colors of white, black, and gray.

Always provide an alternate reference and do not rely on color alone.  Refer to column B, which is yellow.  This will make it workable for the profoundly color blind (very rare).

I know the topic is supposed to be humor, but I had to say something about this.

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on January 24, 2019, 08:16:11 AM
A bit lengthy but some of them are amusing.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************************************************************** **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
 
 ******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************   

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.' 

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************
 
While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'     
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Valerie on January 24, 2019, 10:06:06 AM
Brilliant, Pat.  Made my day.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TRex on January 24, 2019, 12:10:26 PM
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

Except towers never talk to aircraft at 35,000 feet.

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

ICAO (International Civil Aviation Organization) mandates that all air traffic control communications be in English.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: yelnats on January 24, 2019, 03:28:15 PM
Quote
Seriously, it is a very good idea to make allowances for the color blind.

As said below, I am colour blind and a little while ago came across an app (https://asada.website/cvsimulator/e/) (Both Apple and Android) which shows all you fully colour sighted people what we colour blind see. Chromatic vision simulator v3. I can't see any difference b/w  "Common" and Tritanope, but what a difference for Protanopes and Deuteranopes.

(https://asada.website/cvsimulator/my_images/Home3-e2.2.jpg)

It would also be a fast check to work out which colour blindness a person has rather than guess all those numbers.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anona on January 24, 2019, 07:00:55 PM
A  couple of Fawlty Towers moments there, Pat! Thanks.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 25, 2019, 04:18:53 PM
Here here for TR!

Another forumite who is familiar with ICAO and/or IATA!

- A
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: pat on September 25, 2019, 01:56:16 AM
These might be oldies but they're still goodies!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Maudland on September 29, 2019, 01:09:59 AM
Love them! Thanks, Pat.