Lexigame Community

General Category => Whatever => Topic started by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 08:44:17 PM

Title: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 08:44:17 PM
I thought everyone could use a good larf today, so here goes!!

I get daily emails from Rex Barker's www.jokeoftheday.com. Here's a sampling of today's gems:

How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 25, 2007, 10:33:51 PM
I love it!  Are you perhaps poking a little gentle fun at us ? Surely not....... :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 10:40:58 PM
Of course not!!  ;)

The part of his website I like best is the picture of the day -- it's very humorous and often no caption is needed, esp. when he uses puppies and kittens! You'd like it.

How are you, Binks? Must be getting late down under.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 25, 2007, 10:59:18 PM
I shall have to look it up.....sounds good. Yes, it's almost 11pm.....just watching the latest stage of the Tour de France. COME ON CADEL EVANS !!!!!!!! He's the only Aussie left in contention now, and just might make the top 3. I do think they could hold these events at a reasonable hour. Same with Wimbledon....no thought for us poor Antipodeans.  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 11:06:21 PM
You guys just don't get no respect, to quote the late, very funny, Rodney Dangerfield!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 25, 2007, 11:38:16 PM
I can see that we need to recruit a LOT more forummates if we decide to change a lightbulb in the future!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 25, 2007, 11:39:16 PM
How do you change a virtual lightbulb, I wonder?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 26, 2007, 12:11:28 AM
I'm not really sure, and I imagine your list should have some 6-10 additional individuals to debate such a question.  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 12:16:18 AM
We'd have to start talking about whether a virtual lightbulb even exists!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 01:59:42 AM
We'll see if this works!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on July 26, 2007, 02:57:32 AM
Excellent work.  Very fitting image. :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 03:02:28 AM
Just googled "pictures of lighbulbs," and there it was! Couldn't have done it without you!

Whatchya doin' now?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:48:13 AM
That was a brilliant find threeb....
And scaringly appropriate...i could see some of us in some of the categories.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 08:59:53 AM
It just "came to me!" Thanks! :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 26, 2007, 02:03:05 PM
Which of the forum activities listed at the start of this thread reminds you of yourself?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:15:22 PM
At least 6 of them....
I Wouldn't like to say which :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:21:42 PM
Hello matey ... thought you were out of action today ... has rain stopped play?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:28:21 PM
Hi mate,
Nearly but not quite....
The girls are going shopping, and i can't be bothered with that, so i will meet them later.....
It's blowing a hooley though...and i'm not good with wind [ shut up!!!] it hurts my ears too badly.
I really am a fair weather friend, and a wimp...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:32:41 PM
Me too ... I hate the combination of rain and wind ... plays havoc with my fine and naturally curly hair!  Can't believe you don't want to go shopping ... new clothes, shoes, make-up (sorry, forgot you don't do that), books, mags, pretty things, my precious!!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:35:14 PM
I am a rare breed among women, indeed, i hate shopping....
The only shopping i like is buying presents for others..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:36:18 PM
You're such a generous and caring human being!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:56:33 PM
I just looked behind me and couldn't see anybody else....were you talking to me???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on July 26, 2007, 07:58:48 PM
Yes, but I was being sarcastic!!!! (No offence meant ... no. but lots taken!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 26, 2007, 07:59:51 PM
I never would have guessed...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 27, 2007, 10:03:37 PM
ALAN -- DIDN'T YOU THINK THIS WAS A FUNNY POST (READ FIRST ENTRY)??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on July 27, 2007, 11:28:03 PM
Perhaps VIRAL isn't speaking to us either......except to answer legitimate Chi questions......
Maybe it's a boycott???
I'm getting paranoid now!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 27, 2007, 11:31:41 PM
Relax my dear, T! I'm sure everything is fine, and you're okay!  :angel:

GAGL's probably just been busy (as you said in the other thread), and possibly trying to have a life OUTSIDE the forum, despite his having to maintain it and deal with all the head-banging word questions. Sometimes it takes a day or two for him to catch up.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Alan W on July 28, 2007, 12:37:24 PM
Yes, Threeb, I did find it funny. It must be awful to be involved with a forum like that one!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on July 28, 2007, 12:42:43 PM
Well, sometimes it almost gets that way here ...as you well know, a little bit crazy -- but it's all good!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 12:00:30 AM
Just thought I'd pass along a wee joke for this time of year:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on October 29, 2007, 12:02:34 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 12:07:05 AM
Thanks! And, a few more:

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on October 29, 2007, 03:24:47 AM
What a wit you are!  Specially like the frostbite joke!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on October 29, 2007, 03:57:41 AM
Thanks, OGH, but I cannot take credit -- 'twas totally plagiarised, but I knew they'd give you a lift!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 03, 2007, 08:36:14 PM
Here's a Thanksgiving joke or two:

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What kind of music do Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Plenty of drumsticks for everyone.

Why did the Indian wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.

(I didn't promise they'd be very funny.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 02:09:31 AM
Don't give up your day job threeb... :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 02:14:44 AM
Like I said, I promised jokes -- I didn't promise funny ones. And so far, nobody's been banging down the door for my stand-up routines.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 02:32:08 AM
No matter mate...we love you just the way you are...  :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 02:35:44 AM
(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/ob_makingeyes01.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 09:00:35 PM
Okay, then ... since it's Sunday (here), I thought this would be a good one -- and actually funny!

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 04, 2007, 10:46:25 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 10:58:16 PM
Just one  :) ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 04, 2007, 11:09:49 PM
Alright then .........  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ... and, not forgetting,  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 11:15:06 PM
 >:D !!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 04, 2007, 11:45:49 PM
I giggled threeb, that was a gooden....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 04, 2007, 11:50:29 PM
Thanks! It was a nice wake-up for me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 05, 2007, 12:53:06 AM
Here's one I found on the Scottish website I mentioned in the new thread earlier: 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 05, 2007, 10:34:08 AM
Here's one; It's a bit rude.... so don't read on if you don't like naughty jokes...







A man goes into Superdrug and asks, "Have you got any KY jelly?"
"No, sorry." says the assistant, "Have you tried Boots?"
The man replies, "I want to slide in, not f*****g march in!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 05, 2007, 11:07:20 AM
Why are the rude ones usually the funniest? Wow -- I just read Bink's insane jokes, and now this! What a great way to spend the evening!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 05, 2007, 08:13:08 PM
Here's another then...

Bit rude again.....you've been warned....








2 old ladies are having tea in a cafe. One said to the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes i did," she said, "but i managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 05, 2007, 08:15:48 PM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 03:39:01 AM
Another:-


News Flash!

Aliens have invaded Earth and are abducting all the sexy people.

Don't worry- you are safe, but i am just writing to say 'Goodbye'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 06, 2007, 06:02:13 AM
As if!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 06:15:04 AM
Your picture looks like you're waggling your finger at that comment....very  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 06:36:44 AM
A man walks into a fish and chip shop and asks for cod and chips.

'Sorry mate, we've run out of cod.' says the assistant.

'Oh!' says the man, 'In that case i'll have cod and chips please.'

'I told you, we've run out of cod. We've got haddock or sausages!'

'Oh! Ok, i'll have cod and chips then.' says the man.

The assistant is getting cross.
'Look...we haven't got any cod.'

'Right, i'll have cod and chips instead then.' says the man.

By this time the assistant is losing his temper.

'Look mate, tell me...how many f's in haddock?'

The man replies,
'There are no f's in haddock.'

'How many f's in sausages?'

'There's no f's in sausages.'

'How many f's in cod?'

The man replies, puzzled,
'There ain't no f in cod.'

'That's what i've been trying to tell you!!!'

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 06, 2007, 07:59:21 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:44:09 AM
Received an email yesterday with lots of 'computer error messages we can all understand'.  There were quite a lot, but haven't got around to saving them in a format suitable for inserting.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:49:10 AM
Will try 2 and 3 again.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 06, 2007, 08:50:53 AM
Not exactly what I had intended to happen, but the docs seem to open OK
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 06, 2007, 09:15:32 AM
They did Green1,
Very good....that's computer speak i can understand.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 08, 2007, 11:38:21 PM
On the subject of travel, here's a little behind-the-scenes view of what REALLY goes on in the cockpit!
(It's a bit long, but I think it's worth the read.)

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet that conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 08, 2007, 11:41:49 PM
V. good .... deserves a  :D :D :D :D :D :D for effort!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 08, 2007, 11:44:50 PM
 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 09, 2007, 05:36:18 AM
This is a word site, after all.  In the interest of improving everyone's performance at 'freerice' where meanings are as important as acceptable combinations of letters, I submit the following (not new but perhaps still useful):

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has
 gained.

 3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

 6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
 nightgown.

 7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

 8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
 run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
 proctologists.

  13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

 14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up
 onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
 Jewish men.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 06:54:31 AM
 :D :D :D :D

How funny, birdy, I have just this minute used the words 'willy nilly' in another thread ... but not meaning impotent ... that is really a good one, must use it in everyday conversations ... often!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 09, 2007, 07:48:01 AM
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6.  Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7.  Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra Credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n):  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.)! :  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus  (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 12:33:26 PM
Birdy and geo -- those were GREAT! Love the creative play ... hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 08:02:05 PM
Well done Birdy and Greenone...
They were hilarious....and will be used...OFTEN..

I especially like IGNORANUS.....

and

FLABBERGASTED
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 08:24:44 PM
Ignoranus is a word I'm sure will be bandied about on the forum at every available opportunity!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 09, 2007, 08:28:55 PM
Threeb, Birdy and Verdant One....thank you for making my day....they were all hilarious, and I shall be attempting to pass many of them off as my own!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 08:45:10 PM
Well, the next time i go out, displaying mucho hipatitis and practicing my foreploy, i have no doubt that i will bump into loads of blokes with overinflated glibido's who will be oblivious to my sarchasm because they are all ignoranuses....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 08:45:56 PM
I just knew you'd be the first to use it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 09, 2007, 08:53:42 PM
Well done tecnhomc - you obviously studied those 2 lists in depth.  Personally - I can't even think about going out and checking the talent around as I can't possibly be disloyal to Uncle Vito - I mean really, what would my bethrothed think!  Horrified I'm guessing - and rightly so  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:00:55 PM
Bless you Greenone....

I wouldn't want to disappoint....now would i LL??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 09, 2007, 09:16:15 PM
You never fail to disappoint me!!  >:D  Ha ha ha  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 09, 2007, 09:22:02 PM
You are quite right, Geo....you must keep yourself pure and unsullied for Uncle Vito. Think clean and virginal thoughts at all times, and do not succumb to temptation. It will be worth the sacrifice when you stand beside him, radiant and pristine at the altar!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 09:24:43 PM
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:29:18 PM
Do i detect a note of SARCHASM there threeb in that laugh....??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 09:33:33 PM
No, actually ... a bit of sheer-spasm!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 09, 2007, 09:56:12 PM
Get looser knickers mate.... :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 09, 2007, 10:05:09 PM
Pants??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:00:09 AM
I ALWAYS have clean and virginal thoughts  :angel:
Can't imagine why you would think otherwise.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:01:24 AM
I bet your thoughts and dreams about Uncle Vito are far from clean and virginal!  X-rated, I would suspect!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:01:46 AM
XXX-rated!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:04:15 AM
Who, me?  Never
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:04:58 AM
Beneath your serene exterior you're a seething mass of passion and lust, geo!  Am I right?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:05:36 AM
Your beautiful pearls, nice teeth and conservative hair-do don't fool us, woman!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:06:24 AM
Are you talking about me, there, threeb?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:09:05 AM
You know better, LL! Look at geo's piccy -- the epitome of a conservative. Yet, under that exterior beats the heart of raging passion.

Well, actually, it is you too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:10:11 AM
I've never been called conservative before!  Look closely, you will see I am wearing a  >:D smirk!   >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:12:46 AM
Hard to tell, but I believe it, LL. Besides, there's always the question of the other finger!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:13:33 AM
No, sorry Linda...you look conservative...not that there's anything wrong with it...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:14:01 AM
She must be Linda, because she couldn't possibly be referring to me.
I know it is early in the day for you Linda, and not sure what time it is for you 3B, but it's 11pm here (Friday night) and I'm at home, tucked up safe and sound with my pure thoughts - not out partying around town like the wanton woman you are making me out to be. What a sad boring life I lead!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:15:16 AM
I didn't say you were actually acting on your feelings, geo ... just that you have them! Admit it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:15:34 AM
I tend to be more bohemian than conservative, roberts.  Don't go to middle of the road concerts, that's for sure!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:18:14 AM
Hey, LL -- head the other way!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:18:39 AM
It's 1.18 pm here ... plenty of time to indulge in wanton acts of abandonment!  
Hope you've got a good book to read, geo.  Me and threeb, or threeb and I, if you must, are romantic souls with passion coursing through our veins and are in Wuthering Heights mode at the moment!  Heathcliff!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:19:54 AM
What way?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:22:04 AM
Ah, yes, geo -- still waters running deep and all that. More like fountains! Heathcliff! I was so afraid of how it might turn out -- but it was all so VERY satisfying in the end!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:22:32 AM
LL - I meant your post to roberts was in the wrong thread here, that's all.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:23:00 AM
So Linda...what was the last concert you went to...T Rex?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:23:52 AM
Welllllll ........I guess if I told the truth I'd have to admit having some impure thoughts sometimes - not very often mind you.  Only in the months with more than 26 days.  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:24:09 AM
David Bowie, actually, smart arse!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:24:33 AM
And hours with more than 59 minutes!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:24:44 AM
A woman after my own heart, geo!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:25:06 AM
Is David still alive?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:26:00 AM
Didn't Mark Bolan die years and years ago?  Good God, my ex-husband thought T-Rex were the greatest thing since sliced bread.  No wonder why I divorced him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:26:13 AM
Oh, yes -- and looking much better than the rest of his peers! Eternal god that he is!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:27:09 AM
Uuuummm Maybe 3B
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:27:34 AM
Ha ha bloody ha ... half wit!  >:D

He is a god amongst men ... you are obviously soooo jealous!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:29:15 AM
I will not hear a word against Marc Bolan.  He was my absolute hero and object of desire for many a year.  It was the 30th anniversary of his death in September, geo, I am just about getting over it now!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:32:44 AM
Ah shucks - sorry Linda.  Secretly I rather like T-Rex too, but didn't want the ex to know that.  I didn't realise it was 30 years ago.  I seem to recall it was a car accident?  Was it the 30th September?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:34:22 AM
30th was his birthday ... car accident was 16th ... two week before his 30th birthday.  I'm feeling quite sad now.  My sister went to his funeral ... stood near David Bowie and Rod Stewart!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:35:05 AM
I had to get this one! (Sorry to interrupt your Marc Bolan dialogue, LL)

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:35:46 AM
That's cheered me up again!  What a perfect specimen of manhood he is!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:37:29 AM
Oh, yes -- could that I just lie at his feet!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:38:16 AM
.... gazingly adoringly up at his perfect face!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:38:47 AM
All the way up!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:39:26 AM
..... perfection from head to foot!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:39:55 AM
I knew there was some connection with the 30 September.  That was (and presumably still is) my ex's birthday.  That explains why he always played some T-Rex and felt sad.  I probably knew this at the time, but over the past 16 years, I've sort of blotted out a lot of the details of our life together!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:41:24 AM
You really don't have to lie on the floor 3B - you could have just done it with mirrors.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:42:34 AM
Yes, some things are better blotted out ... such as roberts's  :-* face!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:42:54 AM
LL --I wish I could cast a proper spell on him but alas he makes me too weak-kneed to make a decent potion!

Geo -- I hear that happens a lot. I've blotted a lot with time, too, and I'm not even divorced!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:44:34 AM
I've tried to blot out many a misdemeanour ... so now I believe I've always been the epitome of perfection!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:44:43 AM
 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 12:45:49 AM
ugh! ugh! ugh, a thousand times, UGH!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:46:10 AM
You just made me lost my Internet connection for a minute then ... how utterly repulsive!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:46:39 AM
Two hags of one mind!  As ever!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:47:02 AM
Blotting out is a way of life these days - like the fact that I have almost no milk for my essential few cups of coffee in the morning.  So if I wake up at some ungodly hour tomorrow like 5.30 (just hate that on the weekend), I'm going to have to find the closest 24 hour shop and face the world to buy some.  Yuk.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:47:36 AM
I'm just spreading the love...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:47:57 AM
You could always drink it black, geo, I always do .... no calories and all the taste!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:48:19 AM
Well don't spread it over me, mate!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:49:47 AM
Too bad, Linda...it can't be stopped...nothing can dampen my spirit this evening...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:50:03 AM
I have been desperate enough to drink it black.  Could make me really grumpy though.

Do you think roberts is really ugly?  That would explain why he always has to post pictures of other people instead of himself.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:51:14 AM
Geo ... yes, I do think roberts is probably akin to the Elephant Man in looks ... poor soul!  >:D

roberts .... I think you need a cold shower!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:51:47 AM
myself  ???

Why would I want to do that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:52:58 AM
Why would you not want to do that .... that is the question?  Something shameful to hide, most probably!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:54:48 AM
like this
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:55:31 AM
No, just be rather boring...oh yes, and I have something shameful to hide...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:56:15 AM
Presactly!  >:D  Except, hopefully, not out in the open air, he'd terrify all manner of fauna, probably the flora, too!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:56:25 AM
Or perhaps indoors would be better so his neighbours didn't have to look - and probably fall over laughing
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:57:04 AM
.... we're on the same wavelength, geo!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:58:10 AM
Can I have the outdoor one please
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:58:23 AM
Cool shower, by the way!  I mean cool as in fab ... not as in not very warm, obviously!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 12:59:09 AM
Thought you had something shameful to hide ... why would you want to expose it outdoors, in broad daylight?!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 12:59:52 AM
A rather swish looking showerhead - probably wasted on roberts.  This might be more like him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 12:59:58 AM
I'd be wearing my Marc Bolan face mask...of course
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:01:11 AM
That's probably an actual picture of him, geo!!

roberts ... you can hide all you like behind the beautiful face of Marc Bolan ... you will still be hideous underneath it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:01:58 AM
la la la la
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:02:57 AM
How childish!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:03:38 AM
That's rich coming from you Linda...relax will you
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:03:51 AM
We could buy him this Psycho shower curtain.  I've really got to get off google I think!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:05:15 AM
That's ideal, geo!  Or, we could just get a plain shower curtain and I could stand behind it with a real knife!

I am relaxed, roberts, just not childish!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:06:19 AM
good grief...have it your own way Linda...

la la la la
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:07:40 AM
Thank you ... I will!

Am off now .... 'things' to be done ..... try not to miss me too much in my absence!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:10:08 AM
Now that is a great idea Linda
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 10, 2007, 01:11:00 AM
I thought so!  Give roberts hell for me, geo, I must fly away now ...........  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 10, 2007, 01:16:30 AM
I'm ready...I've got my full body armour on
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 10, 2007, 01:19:16 AM
Yes, a much better look roberts.  Night.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 10, 2007, 10:09:54 AM



WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY
BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST
LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN
FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT on IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 10, 2007, 01:35:49 PM
Ahhhhh, the memories -- fairly made me weep with sentiment!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 11, 2007, 02:08:34 PM
I will happily vouch for numbers 1,2,3,6,8,9, and 12. Not necessarily in that order....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 02:31:48 PM
Oh, but I can truly and authentically add 10 & 11!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 02:52:00 PM
So glad we all agree............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 02:54:04 PM
 and while we're on the subject.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 02:56:56 PM
I'm ready too, dahling! Yes, where IS that dear, dear man?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 11, 2007, 03:50:47 PM
Just remember......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 11, 2007, 03:56:07 PM
Like this guy!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 12, 2007, 08:06:55 PM
I'm not sure you are allowed to use that kind of language here threeb....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 12, 2007, 09:07:03 PM
Really? Oh, well, then, how about this (it's a "clean" translation"):

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 12, 2007, 11:52:56 PM
Eye Eye!!
Eye see what you're getting at...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 12:18:14 AM
He's got his eyes on something, too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 13, 2007, 11:25:59 AM
For those of us who prefer Chihuahua to cleaning our house, here's a pack of excuses:

http://www.frontiernet.net/~shelby304/specials/dontdowindows/nowindows.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 13, 2007, 11:29:03 AM
Oh, Birdy......I shall print that, enlarge it, laminate it and hang it on the wall.....it is my entire philosophy of life!  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 13, 2007, 11:33:43 AM
I'm not sure Linda wants to read the first one - but I'm sure she doesn't want any b___ds crashing into her windows.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 13, 2007, 11:36:33 AM
(http://img246.imageshack.us/img246/8399/thumbsup4kk.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 01:28:22 PM
As you all well know, this has been my philosophy for years, too! It was not very long ago that I even asked whether everyone named their dust bunnies, remember?

Perfect!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 07:51:00 PM
Very good, birdy!  Of course, they are excuses I use most every day, except for the first one, natch! ... anyway, I have a lovely window cleaner to do that hideous chore!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 13, 2007, 07:57:24 PM
Birdy, they read just like my 10 commandments that i follow religiously when it comes to cleaning...

Having said that, my house has been unusually clean and tidy for the last 3 weeks while my girls have been staying with their Dad.
They came home yesterday....when i walked in, an hour after they got home from school, i nearly phoned the police...i thought we had been burgled...or a tornado had whipped through the house.....

I was not a happy bunny.....but the dust bunnies can come home too now.... :'(  :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:26:37 PM
I've seen this before, but it's always funny, so for those who haven't, I just wanted to share a larf or two! And ... it's all clean!  ;)

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 11:31:22 PM
I especially like the slow moving, sad old gentleman one ... but then I have a warped sense of humour!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:39:11 PM
Yeah, that one made me chuckle too -- hag humour is always Twisted, Sister!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 13, 2007, 11:46:25 PM
Presactly!  >:D  Our ominous cackles can be heard far and wide!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 13, 2007, 11:58:19 PM
Heeeeeheeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:07:03 AM
Speaking of witches .... do you get the TV prog. 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'?  It's just started again and one of the people on it is Janice Dickinson ... what an odious creature she is ... botoxed to within an inch of her life, loud/foul mouthed, rude and brash .. apart from that, I quite like her!!  (Not really, of course!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:13:18 AM
If we get it, I haven't heard of it. Loud, brash and toboxed  >:D? Sounds like a Brit version of Joan Rivers -- who really can be hilarious, but I still do like her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:14:54 AM
Janice Dickinson is American, threeb!  Surely, you know her?  Google her at once, if not, while I nip off for 10 minutes ... back v. soon ... don't go away!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:25:24 AM
Mission accomplished -- as ordered by the Great Hag! I read that she was abused by her father who told her she'd never amount to anything.

In her autobiography, "No Lifeguard on Duty", she claims that she was partly responsible for her father's death because she had discarded his heart medication pills, and he had a heart attack that night and died. The statute of limitation for prosecuting Dickinson for the death of her father was up by the time the book was published.

Explains a lot about what she says:

"And I will never, ever respond to anybody - man, woman, vegetable, or mineral - who tells me to keep my mouth shut."
"As the saying goes, I want to be the best-looking corpse there is."
"Beauty opened all the doors; it got me things I didn't even know I wanted, and things I certainly didn't deserve."
"But as a young model, I never felt as beautiful as I looked."
"But you see, that's the gilded prison of fashion. We're riding in private jets, and meantime I was so incredibly, painfully sad and lonely."
"Celebrity is hawking make-up, cars, everything; it's shifted."
"Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections."
"Everyone steals from something or someone."
"I borrow bits from everyone."
 ... and the piece de resistance --- "I can wrap my legs around my neck."




 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:29:08 AM
Oh, and this, too:

Everything about the cover photo is retouched and digitally enhanced to make me look good. Hey, I fool the camera. I’m a liar, a magician. I'm 51 years old. Without the fake breasts and the face lift, there'd be a middle-aged gray-haired lady staring at you
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:38:44 AM
Well, there you go!  She certainly looks nothing like that photo and she said she was 53 last night!
The programme is about a bunch of C list celebs who are deposited in a jungle somewhere in Australia, I believe.  They are divided into two camps and someone is voted from each camp to do a trial ... the winner gets food for their camp and the losing camp gets nothing! 
Janice D volunteered to do the first trial (as she is an alpha woman and is scared of nothing!) ... funny thing was, she was too scared to put her hands in a tank of eels (so as to retrieve stars) and lost the challenge!!  The public now vote for the people they want to do the trials and, surprisingly, she has been voted to do the next one, too!!  Serves her right, big gob!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:40:05 AM
Sounds like a cross between "Survivor" and "American Idol"!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:43:11 AM
Never seen Survivor but a new series of X Factor is on now ... almost same as Pop Idol ... Simon Cowell and Sharon Osborne on panel of judges!  Call me strange, but there's something about Simon I quite like!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 12:45:12 AM
Of course! He wear black t-shirts, and acts completely like  >:D >:D >:D >:D! You can't help but adore him! I do!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 12:49:12 AM
Yes, and he tells the truth ... however painful!  Think he's got lovely arms ... but the teeth are a bit too white and perfect for my liking now ... weren't like that before he started appearing on US TV!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 01:06:29 AM
Yes -- the TEETH again! I'll knock 'em out!

(http://www.websmileys.com/sm/fingers/fing23.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2007, 02:18:50 AM
Threeb,
Thanks for that list of insurance statements.  I've seen a similar one before, and the sadfaced old man was always my favorite.  What does it say about us that we all howl with laughter at that one?  (though I was rather noisily laughing through most of the list)  I hadn't seen the excuse about the hedge jumping up, though.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 14, 2007, 02:46:36 AM
They were little gems threeb...
As you say, i have seen something similar....they had me in stitches....

Simon Cowell needs to drink more black coffee and red wine and take up smoking...his smile would be less 'Ross-like' then....i love his comments...it's the only good thing about that show.
I can't be doing with the jungle thing.....loathe it....
Cirque de Celebrite is my fave celebrity reality show...oh! and Strictly come dancing....apart from the farcical voting.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 02:48:41 AM
Hideous programmes ... have you no taste, woman?!  >:D
Simon does smoke ... he's always nipping out for a fag!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 14, 2007, 03:13:24 AM
Yes i do....all bad....
but bad taste is better than no taste at all...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 03:28:05 AM
I wouldn't know, being of impeccable taste myself!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on November 14, 2007, 04:07:56 AM
I agree about Janice Dickinson: She looks nothing like Threeb's photo she supplied of her, and she is incredibly obnoxious!  Great minds think alike, I suppose.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 07:51:01 AM
Indeed and presactly, anonsi!  >:D  She is such a bully and her face now looks like a plastic doll (an old plastic doll)!!  The British public will vote for her in their droves so that she has to face all manner of disgusting 'trials' ... hope she gets the one where she has to eat bugs, eyes and other animal parts ... a kangaroo's penis was on the menu last year!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:17:38 AM
I THINK this is the right thread for the following..................



Stare at this and see if you can find the hidden image...It's kinda fun if you try. You'll be quite amazed when you find out what it is:

{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++))))))))))))))))/////////////%
|||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^''''''''}}}}}}}]]]]]]]>>>>>>>><<<<<<<%%
\=/////////^^!~~~~~:>>>>>>>>:---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<>%
====]]\\\\\///////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~
$$$$$&&$$===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%

Think about what you think it is, and now scroll to the bottom for the answer.

> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>

Do you know what it is yet?

Give up?

Ok, I'll give you one more chance if you don't know... scroll back up and put your nose right up on the screen... that usually makes it easier for most people. Then, if you still give up, scroll down when you want the answer...
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>

Ok, ready... Here's the answer for you:

>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>
>> >>>

It's.........NOTHING, you idiot. I can't believe you fell for that ! I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against the monitor!  Don't hate me -- just pass it on and make a fool of someone else!

 :D :D :D :D :D :D


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:26:29 AM
If that didn't appeal to you, perhaps this will......

THE THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM MOVIES

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

* It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

* The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty.

* You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

* People on TV never finish their drinks.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* The chief of police always shouts.

* When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.

* During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

* Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

* Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man (or woman) invulnerable to bullets.

* A single lit match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

* If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

* Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

* All single women have a cat.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on November 14, 2007, 01:07:05 PM
Uh-oh...I'm in trouble.  My fridge light is burnt out at the moment.  However will I see what I'm doing in the kitchen at night now?  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 14, 2007, 04:40:32 PM
my monitor now has a smudge in the middle where I pressed my nose...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on November 14, 2007, 07:10:50 PM
Lol @ Birdy  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:05:36 PM
Then there's this one..........

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the- King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.




(http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/dirtbox/pics/muttley.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:08:43 PM
 :D :D :D :D  Binkie, you are such a joyous hag to have around!!  I am going to try those ... see if I get committed within a week!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:26:14 PM
Go on........I dare you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:27:12 PM
Never dare a headstrong hag!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 14, 2007, 09:28:27 PM
And finally.......


HOW TO HAVE FUN IN A DEPARTMENT STORE...

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

* Re-dress the mannequins.

* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

* Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow.Magic!"

* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the camping department

* Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

* Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

* "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.




I'm off.......see you guys!

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 14, 2007, 09:30:25 PM
I do most of those already, Binks!  Hope to catch up for a long chat soon.  Be good(ish)!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 14, 2007, 09:51:22 PM
The first thread I get to this morning is this one, and boy oh boy, I couldn't even take a sip of coffee I was laughing so hard. Oh, Binks -- you little doll -- thanks so much for making my day right off the bat!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 15, 2007, 12:52:44 AM
Those were really funny Binks...
Thanks for cheering my day...
I'm off to try and buy a GLASS HAMMER.....
and put mu new 'IN' tray on my desk....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 15, 2007, 02:17:55 AM
I can just see the sales person saying, "Now is that a hammer made of glass, or a hammer to hit glass?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 15, 2007, 02:34:09 AM
I would just tell them that i didn't know, that was what i was asked to come and get..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:08:03 AM
What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head??

Mandy Lifeboat.

What do you call a man with a truck on his head??

Laurie

What do you call a man with turf on his head??

Pete

What do you call a ghost who haunts TV shows??

Phantom of the Oprah

Boom boom!
 ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 11:38:20 AM
Ha ha Binx...

What do you call a man with a seagull on his shoulder?

Cliff

Can't think of any more at the mo...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:42:44 AM
Ditto, apart from this

What do you call a woman far away on the horizon?

Dot

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 11:43:39 AM
How sad is that???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:50:40 AM
...what makes them so funny and so pathetic!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:53:09 AM
Just like me!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:55:08 AM
You are NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT pathetic, binks! Just wonnnnnnnnnnnnderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:02:54 PM
I agree with you threeb...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:07:42 PM
I know where to come to when my self-esteem needs recharging!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:09:33 PM
I'm not sure whether I've posted this one before.....too lazy to search, so forgive me if you've heard it.....

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and still make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And now you're wondering how I had De Gaulle to send this to you. I just figured I had nothing. Toulouse.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:10:48 PM
See, you are just funny...
We are your International fan Club Binx....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:11:45 PM
And for my next trick.....

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future;

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ...
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:12:21 PM
P.S They're not my creations.....would that they were!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:12:47 PM
Binkie...you have way too much time on your hands...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:14:51 PM
And thank goodness for that.....

Binx keeps me in laughs all week....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 12:15:21 PM
All of us!!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:17:00 PM
way too much time...put to good use!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:17:18 PM
This may only be intelligible to Aussies......

Australian Etiquette

GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the cask, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners
are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no; it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.


DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back home. Some will
say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the man's responsibility to withdraw from the date ASAP.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing someone's bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
your popularity.
3. The groom, at least, should rent a tux. A tracksuit, even with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper, can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for that sorta
occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are
loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roobar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 17, 2007, 12:19:58 PM
I rest my case......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 17, 2007, 12:21:23 PM
now i understand why i had such difficulty getting my first job!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 12:23:34 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:46:20 PM
I have decided that my true calling is that of court jester, or perhaps class clown. Serious thought eludes me. You have been warned.

Thoughts On Aging


1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

12. It was so different before everything changed.

13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

16. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

17. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

18. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

19. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

20. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.

21. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

22. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

23. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

24. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

25. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

26. If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

27. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

28. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

29. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

31. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

32. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

33. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth




(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)(http://dune.servint.com/uploads/c_laugh.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:53:13 PM
You have, and always will be, the most consistently hilarious poster here, binks! I don't know how many times you have regaled us with your sweet insanity, but when you're in the zone, you shine! I nominate you for the title of "Official Humorist Laureate of Chi", or Jester-at-Large, forthwith!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 17, 2007, 11:56:28 PM
I thank you, my lady, for your gracious bestowal of titles. I shall attempt to repay your kindness with more quaint quips, humorous homilies and amusing anecdotes.
I remain, ma'am, your humble servant
Binks the Buffoon

(http://ganjataz.com/01smileys/images/smileys/Mad%20Jester.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 17, 2007, 11:58:04 PM
My pleasure!

... and you should make that: Binks the Brilliant Buffoon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:06:30 AM
I'm not one to toot my own trombone, you know. For your perusal, I offer the following......

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It i s important that these four men don't know each other.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:08:50 AM
It is probably (though improbable) important that men read that, too,and take it seriously. All four of them!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:16:20 AM
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


And on that philosophical note, I shall bid you all a good night. Adieu my friends, adieu! (exits left with a flourish*)

*a flourish is a sort of flowering radish, often used by court jesters.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:21:24 AM
Goodness gracious, dear! Another insane list ... I particularly liked the one about the tests! Thanks, and sleep well!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:26:10 AM
P.S       BREAKING NEWS!

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Financial has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and ultimately crashed while 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and with redundancies likely staff fear they will get a raw deal.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 12:27:44 AM
Now I really AM going to bed.....it's 11.30, and I've been up since 5.00am, hence the hysteria-born-of-tiredness posting!
Night, Threeb!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 12:56:21 AM
Don't let the bedbugs bite, binks. It's been a hoot!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 04:10:34 PM
For The Information Of Ladies Only.........

Mammogram Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there

is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for

a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice

exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and

best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises

right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between

the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest

friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on

the door for good measure. Hold that position for five

seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't

effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the

cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes

and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged

under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly

back the car up until your breast is sufficiently

flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other

breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.

Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends

against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together

as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger

to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 10:11:13 PM
Ah, Marquis de Sade truly lives again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 11:17:24 PM
Hello all! A very brief visit....I'm off to bed soon, to rest up before another day of being a human climbing frame/dancing partner/song singer/playdough-squisher/mopper-upper/nose-blower etc!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 18, 2007, 11:33:50 PM
Having loads of technical problems today.  See I've changed my piccy .... if you can be a court jester, binks, and threeb insists on being a golden goddess, I can be a little devil!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:37:43 PM
Good to see you're still up, binks -- love the new avatar!

Here's a bit of a larf .. at the expense of men, though, so the males here, be forewarned!

Let's Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:38:37 PM
And, yours too, LL! Perfect!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 18, 2007, 11:41:28 PM
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


Boom boom!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 18, 2007, 11:59:12 PM
Here are a handful of questions found on www.stupidquiz.com -- perhaps these could be asked on another show called, "Are You Smarter Than a Toddler?" ---

Do you think thespians should be able to adopt children?

A) No, thespianism is a sin
B) Yes, the world needs more thespians
C) Yes, as long as they are as attractive as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
D) What's a thespian?

Which is the correct spelling of Marry Poppins' favorite phrase?

A) supercalafragalisticexpialladocious
B) supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
C) supercalifrajillisticexpiallidoshus
D) supercallafragilisticexpeealladoshus


Where do the Ewoks live?
A) Alabama
B) India
C) Endor
D) Sesame Street


Which of these is real?   

A) Santa Claus
B) Tooth Fairy
C) Midgets
D) Leprechauns


If someone calls you an Aussie, its because they think:
 A) You're from Austria
 B) You're Awesome
 C) You're from Australia
 D) They're in love with you




Which of these is Fictional?   

A) Bruce Lee
B) Bruce Wayne
C) Bruce Springsteen
D) Bruce Willis







Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:33:50 AM
Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:37:45 AM
In the interest of being "fair and balanced", here are a few dumb blonde jokes, too:

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate"

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The person called back."

This blonde walked into a party store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger or something to unlock her car because she locked her keys in the car. He nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him and went outside to set to work. A little while later the cashier decided to check on her and saw her working at it and another blonde in the car was saying "a little to the left...no, a little to the right..."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:50:20 AM
And also, being fair and balanced, we can turn to the animal world:

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.

What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator.

Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because they were guilty of purrjury.

How does the cat get its own way?
With friendly purrsuasion.

What is a cat's favourite colour? (Sorry, LL!)
P*rrrrrrr*le!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 12:57:55 AM
... And a few quotes for the dogs:

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 01:53:17 AM
Ten top ways to tell if Martha Stewart is stalking your dog
10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 19, 2007, 07:26:29 AM
   
    CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 19, 2007, 07:41:09 AM
way too much time... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 19, 2007, 07:47:07 AM
I just don't sleep, that's all!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on November 19, 2007, 07:50:51 AM
Have a great day Binkie... :-C
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 19, 2007, 09:11:00 PM
You've missed your calling Binx and Threeb...
You are a great comedy duo....

I have been in stitches for the last 10 minutes reading that lot...[although some i have posted myself previously, somewhere....]

There were so many i will need to read them again....and again ........and again.. :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 19, 2007, 09:50:00 PM
I just couldn't stop ... having too much fun! Now, I'll need to re-read some of Binks', too.  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 08:37:28 PM


A husband, after taking his wife to his firm's dinner-dance, told her that she had let him down badly, and wouldn't take her to another function again.
In time, a fancy dress ball came along, and he made it clear that his wife was not invited.
She asked what he was going to wear, and he said he proposed to go as Micky Mouse.
The night of the ball came and off he went.
Sitting alone, she phoned her mother and told the story. The mother insisted she come over and they could quickly knock up a Minnie Mouse costume with mask, and she could go, unrecognised.

When she arrived at the ball she spotted Micky embracing 2 masked busty blondes. Playing her cards right she managed to get Micky onto the balcony.
Saying she was cold she asked if he had a car near by they could sit in. Of course he had, just a few feet away, and soon they found themselves in the back seat.

At midnight she rushed home and by the time her husband got home she was sitting by the fire in her dressing gown.
'Did you have a good time?' she asked.
'No'. he replied, 'Just a few drinks with the boys.'
'What? No Minnie Mouses?' she asked.
'Aw, don't give me that,' he said- 'The Micky Mouse costume didn't fit; so i went as Robin Hood!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 08:46:43 PM
 :laugh:  It's the way you tell 'em!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:00:33 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

We knew you had the knack for it!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:10:24 PM
I'm crap at telling jokes.....

In a stationers a pretty girl was looking at the cards under the 'To my sweetheart - MALES' section.

Carefully she read each card, and rejected them all until she found the one she really liked. It simply said 'Because i love only you.'.

Shyly she walked up to the counter and said to the assistant.....

'I'll take half a dozen of these, please!!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:12:03 PM
Whaddya mean no good at it? I can hear you talking ... holding your own show. You're really very funny!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:16:12 PM
Funny peculiar!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:19:20 PM
No it's not in this thread....

Keep looking everybody please........    :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:19:47 PM
Bog off again!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 20, 2007, 09:32:34 PM
Has anyone checked out the Word games section ???
It could be hiding in there....no-one would suspect that place....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:33:24 PM
Nope, not there either!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:38:38 PM
I am not dignifying your comments with a response .... except to say, BOG OFF!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 09:47:52 PM
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ?
I can't keep trawling back through all these posts to find out!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:48:59 PM
Take no notice, Binks ... T seems to think that I've lost my sense of humour and she and threeb are looking for it ..... absolutely hilarious!  (Not!!)  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 09:52:09 PM
How frightfully cruel and heartless of them. I'm sure you've only misplaced it temporarily, Linda dear.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:53:03 PM
Perhaps the hibernating bear took it into the cave with him!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 09:55:41 PM
If one could find anything humorous in these threads one would split one's sides laughing but, to date, one can not find anything remotely funny here .... one is not amused!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 09:59:28 PM
I thought that was, "WE" are not amused.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 20, 2007, 10:01:25 PM
Linda may well be one of the hupper classes, unlike the rest of us hoi polloi, but royal she ain't!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:04:18 PM
That's what I thought!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:10:26 PM
One was speaking for one's self ... only me and the cat here at the minute and he's not laughing his whiskers off either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:14:37 PM
I can see why!  >:D ... all alone ... with just you ...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:18:13 PM
... couldn't resist!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:24:28 PM
He does look quite a bit like  >:D ... same ears at least!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:41:12 PM
This big???????

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:47:40 PM
No ... more like this ...

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 20, 2007, 10:48:34 PM
Just gorgeous, LL -- truly a hag-worthy grimalkin! (See new thread!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 20, 2007, 10:50:01 PM
He's the spitting image of my cat ... Smokey ... a good hag name for a good hag cat!!

Must be off for a bit now ... just found out got visitors coming round soon ... need to tidy up self and house!  Hope to speak later!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 23, 2007, 11:48:48 PM
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten
Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner...

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 24, 2007, 12:17:15 PM
I only needed one sign, not 10:  there were three delicious desserts right there in front of me and I had no interest in any of them.

I didn't even have any turkey, because there was no room on the plate, which was filled with smashed potatoes, yams, asparagus, the traditional green beans/mushroom soup/onion rings casserole, Brussels sprouts with sauteed chestnuts, beets, collard greens, savory bread stuffing, a  bread stuffing made with fruits instead of meats, and a cranberry/orange sauce.  I skipped the gravy because as you know, I'm trying to lose weight.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 12:59:56 PM
I'm sure you gave that diet your best shot, birdy! Birdy missed the bird though ... interesting.

Look, I just never worry about it until after Christmas, 'cause I know it's a lost cause. Getting out for a bit of exercise is about all I can muster -- a walk, playing with the kiddos, anything that resembles a bit of excess movement.

Jello can wait till January!
 ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:03:10 PM
I wish we had thanksgiving! Even Christmas isn't much of a feast - too hot to eat much.

Best food festival is mid-winter Christmas (25 July.) That's when we go nuts. The stores all bring out a small selection of Xmas crackers etc., and we eat large quantities of turkey, at least ten varieties of roasted veg, and Xmas pud all washed down with copious quantites of Deutz (very good locally made bubbly.)

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 01:09:43 PM
Mid-winter Christmas in July sounds so weird -- hard to think of snow in July, when we're in the dog days of summer, drought and trips to the coast for boating or jumping in the river for a good swim!

That would be like us celebrating a mid-summer New Years Eve! You really should have some kind of Thanksgiving that you could invent. Although, your Guy Fawkes fest sounds like a very cool thing, and that's something we don't have here. I guess its rival here might be St. Patty's, which of course, you probably do enjoy as well.

I don't think we have enough real celebrations! It's mostly "honoring" or "recognizing," someone, but not much of it is really just plain fun. And these days, we could use a bit of that.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:22:13 PM
Hard to think of snow at all actually. Apparently it snowed in Auckland in 1936. But not enough to settle on the ground and be left over the following day.

My kids have seen snow only on mount Ruapehu which is an active volcano (bottom pic shows an eruption this October) in the centre of North Island. There are a number of ski fields operating on the mountain and we've been there skiing a number of times. The volcano erupted spectacularly in 1995. The cloud of ash was so massive that it spread across the island and Auckland airport was closed for days because of poor visibility.

The kids always referred to these holidays as being "at the snow." To this day, they'll say words along the lines of "no, he's not here this weekend - he's gone to the snow."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 01:27:02 PM
That's also a strange sight -- snow on a volcano. Fire and ice in the same proximity. NZ just looks so beautiful, and thanks to you, I have learned a lot about it, which makes me want to go there even more than ever!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 24, 2007, 01:40:41 PM
The name of the largest ski resort is Whakapapa. 'wh' is pronounced f and overseas visitors think this name is hilarious; rude but hilarious. It means ancestral lineage in Maori.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 24, 2007, 02:39:30 PM
Fascinating how the "wh" is pronounced -- kind of like our "ph". It is a hilarious, and slightly rude-sounding, word, though.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 26, 2007, 08:31:33 PM
I think this is still the humorous thread.......... 

Please Note............use of a fairly vulgar word is contained in the following post.

Subject: His & Hers Diaries...


 LADY'S DIARY

Thursday, 24th June


 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

 The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

 All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
 didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

 He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
 hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
 matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

 He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we
made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep..


 MAN'S DIARY:


Thursday 24th June

 West Ham lost to Arsenal. Gutted. Got a shag though.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 26, 2007, 10:04:49 PM
Binks,
That was bloody hilarious.....
Brilliant.................
So true......

Thanks mate...that's the most i've laughed in days.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 26, 2007, 11:43:48 PM
That really was so wonderfully hilarious, binks!

Here's a cute one, totally unrelated, but I thought it was a good one, too.


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 26, 2007, 11:56:59 PM
 :D :D :D :D to all of the above!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 02:42:42 AM
That's very funny too.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 05:59:45 AM
      A guy wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK and you'll walk again but something happened and I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'"
 
    Now the fellow groans a bit but the doctor goes on,  "You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.'"

      The fellow perks up at this.

      "So the thing is the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for  nine
inches she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inch one this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

      So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

      "So, says the doctor,  'Have you spoken with your wife?'"

      "I have." says the fellow.

      "And has she helped you in making the decision?'"

      "She has, "says the fellow.

      "And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .

      "We're getting a new kitchen...."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 06:02:39 AM
Bobbi....that's so funny....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 06:11:41 AM
smile and the whole world smiles with you...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 06:37:51 AM
Very clever...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 06:49:37 AM
Thank you, Bobbi and Threeb! You started my day with a chortle, which is always a good way to begin.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 07:00:18 AM

   Subject:  What England has become...

 Horatio Nelson: "Hardy, fly the message!"

 Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"
 Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her
 duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
 Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
 employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
 censors, lest it be considered racist."

 Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
 Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
 working environments."

 Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
 mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
 Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
 Government's policy on binge drinking."

 Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full
 speed ahead."
 Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
 stretch of water."

 Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
 history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
 please."
 Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
 Nelson: "What?"
 Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
 and
 they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
 up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
 Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
 Admiral."

 Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
 Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
 environment for the differently abled."

 Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
 playing the disability card."
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
 areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
 Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
 the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
 breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
 men to stand by to engage the enemy."
 Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
 Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
 with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
 lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 Nelson: "We're not?"
 Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
 According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
 stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
 Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
 that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
 King."
 Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
 Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
 sodomy and the lash?"
 Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
 corporal punishment."

 Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
 Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 09:32:50 AM
You are funny Binks....
I have been laughing all day....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 09:51:44 AM
It is my mission in life, my friend, since I shall never be a neurosurgeon, movie star or win Australian Idol.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 10:02:41 AM
You're well on your way then mate....
You have me in fits all the time...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 10:04:34 AM
That funny politically correct Nelson update reminded me of the Noah's Ark joke e-mail that did the rounds here a year or two ago:

For the uninitiated:
   MAF     Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries
   DoC     Department of Conservation
   ACC     Accident Compensation Commission
   WINZ    Work and Income New Zealand  (who hand out the benefits a.k.a. dole)
   tapu    (Maori) taboo, being sacred (religion)
   kakapo  one of three New Zealand native parrots, now almost extinct, despite best efforts long-term survival    is questionable

IF NOAH LIVED TODAY...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents Association objected,  claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West  Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DoC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected
and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to  negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So
now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic
engineering practices were involved.

The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport,  areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity of Earth.

Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself. She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 10:09:11 AM
That's very funny bobbi...
...and very sad, because it is just so true....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:10:34 AM
I love it!   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:50:46 AM
I finally put up my Christmas tree.............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:51:39 AM
Damn.....had to resize the photo and now you can't see that it's made of beer bottles !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 12:12:28 PM
Found this the other day, and it rather appealed to me.


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided
I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the
complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbookand my car-keys, my credit card bills and my
401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
cause.............."Tag! You're it."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 03:20:17 PM
Binks, that was absolutely precious and wonderful. Really uplifted me, I must say! Oh, the wonders of childhood. Must be the influence of the grandkids at work!

And bobbi, your tidbit was also very (sarcastically) insightful -- inspiring, even. As was binks' earlier entry!

I love all you guys!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 07:46:33 PM
And now something similar to Bobbi's last hilarious offering........



   The Office Christmas Party 2007

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2007
RE : The Office Christmas Party 2007:
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa
Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00
to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
Special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party:
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though, unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party' . The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be
no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of
music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA
Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now
since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with
gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangements for the gay men's table too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food ... we
suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first..
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply 'No Sugar' desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?
Pauline.

Next memo ...
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know
tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next memo ...
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2007
RE : Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 07:55:16 PM
 :D :D :D  Sounds very much like the place I used to work!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 08:09:41 PM
I like that one too Binks....
Whatever happened to 'live and let live'...and tolerance??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 27, 2007, 09:22:06 PM
#1 daughter's just started working at a Kindy (Kiwispeak for preschool). And we're being educated into the worst possible excesses of PC life. Honestly it's all driven by risk averse phobic parents! The place is so damn safe it's positively dull! What happened to the monkey bars? Sure a kid or two broke an arm every year, but that's because they were dumb kids, not because the Kindy was negligent!

Let go that PC stuff and bring back a modicum of danger I say  :police:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 09:30:12 PM
So say I, too!  When we were kids we played all kinds of adventurous games in nearby woods, used to ride for miles on our bikes, out all day, only coming home for supper!  The swimming pool was actually fun ... we could throw ourselves off the diving boards, play games, duck each other ... now there's none of that ... boring and safe and unchallenging!  The nanny state of affairs has gone too far.  And another thing ... the no smoking in any public area is ridiculous ... obviously it shouldn't be allowed in restaurants etc but not to be allowed to smoke in a pub is just plain stupid, in my opinion, and lots of pubs have suffered the effects of the no smoking ban.  Why can't those pubs that want to have a no-smoking room or area?  Why are the smokers forced to stand outside?  Discrimination!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 27, 2007, 09:38:23 PM
I think that is 2 different objections LLLLLLL...
Valid both...

Nothing wrong with kids getting dirty, eating mud and worms, falling over and grazing a knee...i'm all for it too...
These days kids are too sterile, no wonder they are allergic to everything, don't know how, or want to play outside....Daren't climb a tree in case their clothes get ruined....Can't go scrumping because they would get an ASBO.... apart from the other risks of course....Is it any wonder they are turning into moronic, mindless nothings....that can kill everything in a computer game...

As to the smoking LLLLL...i like going home not stinking of smoke after a night out....but it still pisses me off having to go outside for a ciggie....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 27, 2007, 09:48:59 PM
LL & T - I'm with you 100%.  In Oz we now have rules that there is no smoking in any areas that serve food - even chips at a bar.  As we have an enormous amount of outdoor drinking areas (given that we have a rather hot climate and don't need to huddle indoors to keep warm), I really don't understand why we can't have smoking areas where smokers are allowed to consume food.  It could be a choice that if you are not a smoker - choose another area to eat.  Simple.  But no, smokers are forced to leave the premises (sometimes you're able to take your drink with you).  The only good thing is that I've met and talked to lots of smokers who I wouldn't have met in the old days.  Smokers are a friendly bunch I think!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 09:51:47 PM
Quite right, geo!  I was listening to a man on TV the other night who said he goes and stands outside with the smokers, although he doesn't smoke himself, just because they are the more interesting people!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:00:49 PM
At the risk of sounding repetitive, I agree with all the above!
Re children......I feel sorry for many of today's kids who seem to have no chance to enjoy simple, adventurous pleasures like Linda outlined. Sure, parents are right to worry about child safety, but we seem to have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. How are children going to learn independence, self assurance and general physical confidence? I'm not in the least surprised at the figures on childhood obesity. It can't all be blamed on fast food........how many kids these days go home to grab a bite and then head off outside to play, swim, kick a ball etc? Not many in our neighbourhood, at any rate. Apart from that, it horrifies me to see so many children driven to school and back every day. Given that most children enroll in a school close to home, it seems ludicrous that so few of them walk to school. In my day we had to walk 15 miles, barefoot in the snow, uphill.....both ways!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:13:38 PM
Won't repeat it all as you've all put it so beautifully! Unbloodybelievable what's happening to people these days -- and too many are buying into it! There will be a backlash, ladies!! Just watch out!  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:18:46 PM
And now, in a totally unrelated matter, I wish to present:

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
(This item was submitted via email by Trevor Penhalluriack, from Australia, author unknown).


1.   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3.    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4.    Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5.    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6.    If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7.    The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8.    The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9.    A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 27, 2007, 10:32:41 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 27, 2007, 10:43:37 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 27, 2007, 10:46:03 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 01:27:18 AM
Ha ha  :laugh:  :laugh:
That'll be me in approximately 10 years or so....

And talking of snails....

A safety officer went to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back.
'What are you supposed to be?' asked the host.
'I'm a snail'. said the safety officer. The hosts raised his eyebrows.
'How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?'
'That's not a girl,' the safety officer replied. 'That's Michelle.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 01:34:44 AM
You can't beat a good Peter Kay joke!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 01:40:46 AM
Thanks for the uplift, T! Binks! LLLLLLL! Gotsta runnnnnnnn -- ceeyallayter!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 01:44:05 AM
Fair well free bee!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 02:50:48 AM
The Smarter sex....

A woman and a man are involved in a car crash. It's a bad one, and both cars are right-offs, but neither of them were hurt.

After crawling out of the cars the woman says,
'Wow, look at our cars, there's nothing left, but we are unhurt. It must be a sign from God that we should meet, be friends and live the rest of our lives together in peace.'

The man replied, 'i agree completely, it must be a sign from God.'

The woman continued, 'And look at this, another miracle. My car is written off but this bottle of wine didn't break. It must be another sign, surely God wants us to drink this to celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man, who agrees with her, he opens the bottle, drinks 1/2 then hands it back to the woman.

The woman politely refuses to accept the wine.

The man asks, 'Aren't you going to have any?'

The woman replies, 'NO! I think i'll just wait for the police....'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on November 28, 2007, 05:24:48 AM
mean but smart  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on November 28, 2007, 01:39:35 PM
I'm not sure she is so smart.  If he was found to be over the alcohol limit, his insurance company wouldn't pay for her repairs and she may have to ruin her own 'no claim' rating when claiming against her own insurance company.  ???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 03:31:16 PM
Here's the story of a man driven to distraction:

There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.

"Hi, can I help you?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!"

"Geez, alright, relax," said the truck driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.
A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.

"Hi, can I help you sir?" asked the truck driver. "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now," screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax," said the truck driver. "I'll see what I can do."

He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.

Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.

"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."

But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistant. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"

The truck driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can imagine.

"Let me guess!!" the truck driver shouted, "you're the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want!!??"

To which the man in blue replied: "Your license and registration please."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 10:43:30 PM
Ha di ha.... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 10:50:10 PM
I'll admit, it's not terribly hilarious, but was the best I could do after pulling two 11-hour workdays, fighting a cold and about 10 hours of sleep in between!

But fear not, there's plenty more out there...let me go find some...must make people larf today!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 28, 2007, 11:30:23 PM
In case anyone is in the mood to strike back after an injustice, I thought I'd post a few classic gems:

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift
Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- - - Jack London
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu
She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- - - Charles Talleyrand
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- - - H. H. Munro
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 28, 2007, 11:42:19 PM
 :D :D :D  Especially the last saying!!  Hmmmm!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 28, 2007, 11:43:37 PM
I have used the sperm one on several occasions.....
The trouble was...they were so slow, it was lost on them completely. Everyone else around was in hysterics though....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 29, 2007, 12:02:11 AM
The first and last are my favorites!!  >:D

Here's some more, with a twist -- guess which nationality is being described*
(*disclaimer: if anyone is sensitive about putting people down or insulting someone's culture, either read this or not -- you have been warned. This is a public service announcement.):

1.
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up ______ today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed.
- - - D. H. Lawrence, 1912

2.
Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
- - - Charles Dickens

3.
_______ is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- - - Richard Brenner

4.
_________ is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.
- - - Billy Wilder

5.
The ________ have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
- - - Paul Theroux





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on November 29, 2007, 06:49:41 AM
And the answers are...The Poles!  The Morons!  The Blondes! - have you ever noticed that the Polish jokes of our (at least my) youth are now being told about blondes? 

I knew the last one (guessed it actually - my stereotypes must match the author's), but had to look up the others. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 29, 2007, 06:56:58 AM
I didn't have a clue...
I hope i don't know any of them, however the first one reminds me of someone!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on November 29, 2007, 07:34:32 AM
 :D :D :D :D  Presactly!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on November 29, 2007, 07:39:24 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D

   

Julie Andrews turns 69 -
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. one of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie, "Sound Of Music".
Here are the lyrics she used:


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on November 29, 2007, 10:11:28 AM
What a eulogy that would make.....

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on November 29, 2007, 10:53:05 AM
Shockingly, it sounded like a lot of the conditions I'm already starting to get! Oh, no!

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 07:58:11 AM
Picture of blonde pole dancer coming up.......please do not scroll down if you feel you may find this offensive....















Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 01, 2007, 08:31:46 AM
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:34:14 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:36:59 AM
I'm requesting one of these for Christmas
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on December 01, 2007, 08:44:39 AM
Hehehe.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 08:45:53 AM
I think it could catch on, don't you, Anonsi?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 01, 2007, 09:34:33 AM
It's posher than just swigging it out of the bottle i suppose...you are posh Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 01, 2007, 10:43:49 AM
Most certainly..........I always stick my little finger out while swigging, anyway.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 03:57:23 AM
It's hard to do that when the bottle is still in the brown paper bag it came in....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 02, 2007, 06:19:38 AM
Whilst swigging away, I also like to take that little pointed pinky (finger, that is), dip it into the beverage, and then gently, daintily dab a few drops behind each ear!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 02, 2007, 08:41:02 AM
Wrists are good too, threeb.  Backs of the knees might be misunderstood in a group situation, though, especially if it's someone else's knees.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 08:57:59 AM
I think that gin is the only good beverage for that...the others make you smell like a brewery...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 02, 2007, 10:45:06 AM
And what, pray tell, is wrong with that??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 02, 2007, 11:06:39 AM
It's dead embarrassing in church...and the girls' teacher give me odd looks.... :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 02, 2007, 02:06:46 PM
Not to mention the minister/priest/rabbi/guru and the nuns and old ladies  --  although a few of them probably had a coupla swigs behind the sacristy (sacre-bleu!!!) before the service themselves!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 04, 2007, 09:57:01 AM
I was reading an article about lawyers today and it got me thinking-

If lawyers are disbarred does that mean that:
Clergymen are defrocked
electricians delighted
musicians denoted
cowboys deranged
models deposed
Dry cleaners depressed
laundry workers decrease, becoming depressed and depleted
bedmakers debunked
baseball players debased
landscapers deflowered
software engineers detested and i suppose, musical composers will eventually decompose!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 04, 2007, 10:53:45 AM
Do then, soldiers get detailed ... and (in another twist) carpenters become unhinged?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:14:19 AM
Or models deposed?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:16:55 AM
I lost 75 kilos in one day!
This is how to do it............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 06, 2007, 08:24:04 AM

   WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN



(AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)





To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"






"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.



"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "





"No Way !"


"Yes way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.





"Why?"




"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.






"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.


"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "

"Did too ! "


"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.




BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?







THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.



AND FINALLY

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:





"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 06, 2007, 08:51:33 AM
I will adopt those as my some of new 101 commandments....

That was really funny Binks....so painfully bloody true...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 06, 2007, 11:46:15 AM
As a bona fide grandma, I can appreciate that wholly!

I always told the kids, "wait till you have some of your own!" And now that they do, boy, what a nice bit of satisfaction... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 06, 2007, 12:42:34 PM
My older brother was quite a handful in his youth.  I've always said his son is my parents' revenge!  Even my brother says he can't really say too much - his son is just like him.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 08, 2007, 10:12:27 PM
OK, everyone,

sing along, cadence notwithstanding ...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 8-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: rogue_mother on December 08, 2007, 11:25:07 PM
Binkie, that is too good for words.  I am howling!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:04:02 AM
And for you big-business types:

CORPORATE MEMO

 
To:           All Staff
Date:        December 1
Subject:    New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

 
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
 

Happy Holidays all!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:33:02 AM
Just one more, for now (till the next one...)  ;) :

"How to tell if you're a Grinch!"

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.  (5 points)
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.  (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.  (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.  (1 point for each  piece of sticky candy).   If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.  (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.  (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for  later consumption at home.  (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore].  (5 points)
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.  (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no.  (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100:

20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.

30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 09, 2007, 02:14:46 AM
The last 3 posts have had me in stitches...
Good finds girls..i love them...
Thanks for that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 09, 2007, 04:20:08 AM
On more of a techie note, I submit the following, though it's been around for a while.  You will easily guess which of the characters I resemble.  Unfortunately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 09, 2007, 10:22:43 AM
The same one as me then mate....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 11:27:54 AM


       The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible
for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was
climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny
Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

      In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many
splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

      In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him
she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.

       The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go
into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

       She waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

       The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

       He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and
Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land
Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational
area.... I am sorry but they turned me down."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 11:37:51 AM
Back to the subject of Christmas...........this monologue used to be played on the radio every Christmas. It really needs to be heard, but this is the next best thing for those who don't know it. (Imagine an Irish accent!)

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS


Day 1
Dear Nola,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear tree. We are getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the Mother rather badly on the hand, but they're good friends now, and we're keeping the pear tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Bognot O'Launacy.

Day 2
Dear Nola
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you again so soon again, and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first, the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves, and they had a terrible row on the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet. But the birds are OK again, and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8, but the Mother is over her annoyance now, and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Bognot

Day 3
Dear Nola
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort out between the hens and the doves, who have sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The Mother was raging, for the bill was £16 this time, but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds droppings keep falling down on our hair while she's watching the telly doesn’t help matters.
Thanking you for your kindness, I remain,
You’re Bognot

Day 4
Dear Nola
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear tree again last night, and the vet’s bill was £32. The Mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm, and remain your close friend.
Bognot.

Day 5
Nola,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived, I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend,
Bognot

Day 6
Nola,
What are you trying to do to us? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity, but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds, but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear tree, and his bill was £68 in cash! My Mother is munching 60 grains of valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
Bognot

Day 7
Nola,
We are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans a-swimming is a most romantic idea, but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they have gone completely savage, and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the Mother and I will smell as bad as the living room carpet. Please lay off! It is not fair.
Bognot.

Day 8
Nola,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight hefty maids a-milking here to eat us out of house and home? Their cattle are all over the front lawn, and have trampled the hell out of the Mother’s rose beds. The swans invaded the living room in a sneak attack, and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge made the Battle of the Somme seem like Wonderly Wagon. The Mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of valium. I’m very annoyed with you.
Bognot

Day 9
Listen you loser! There’s enough pandemonium in the place night and day, without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flamin' maids a-milking are eating my poor alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me.
Bognot

Day 10
Listen manure face! I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of the ten pipers piping, which were sent to torment us last night. They were aided in the evil work by those maniac drummers, and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids a-milking, all going round to the punk-rock uproar. My Mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey on top of 124 grains of valium. You’ll get yours!
Bognot O’Launacy

Day 11
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel. It was bad enough to have eight maids a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn, but they’ve now been joined by your friends, the eleven lords a-leaping, and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook! I’ll get you yet, you old bag!

Day 12
Listen slurry-head! You have ruined our lives! The twelve maidens dancing turn up last night, and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven lords a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living room where they’ve been hiding since the big battle and savaged the hell out of the lords and all the maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local civil defence as well. The Mother is in a home for the bewildered, and I’m sitting here up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the cows eat the leaves from the pear tree. I’m a broken man!
Bognot O’Launacy.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 12:27:06 PM
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
 
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
 
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
 
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
 
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
 
December 5
Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
 
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
 
December 7
Debug Windows '95
 
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
 
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.
 
December 13
Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
 
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
 
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
 
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
 
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
 
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
 
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
 
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
 
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
 
December 24
Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
 
December 25
Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
 
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
 
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
 
December 31
New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 09, 2007, 01:04:35 PM
Brilliant! There were tears pouring down my face by the end. (from laughing, of course.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 01:40:53 PM
Thanks, binks -- 11, 12 & 13 are my favorites, although there are a lot of close seconds, too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 09, 2007, 11:08:34 PM
For anyone who appreciates "Redneck" (affectionately known as "trailer-trash") humor, this is really fun -- Jeff Foxworthy is the ultimate hero of the genre -- if you don't know about him, just google his name -- he's such a hoot!

Here is one of his offerings that had me in stitches:

'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!

So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 10, 2007, 12:00:51 AM
Very funny, threeb!  :D :D :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 12:07:02 AM
I always knew you were a woman of discriminating taste, O great hag!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 10, 2007, 08:45:58 AM
Are you sure that wasn't bobbi's 'Things to do list' ???

Love the poem....
All this Christmas spirit...i'm off to get some too - 24%....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 11:41:28 AM
Funny you should say that about bobbi -- I was thinking the EXACT same thing! Great hags think alike!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 10, 2007, 10:42:19 PM
WARNING -- RUDE LANGUAGE BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift!   I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 11, 2007, 08:15:52 AM

The Night Before Christmas
(Kiwi Style) by Yvonne Morrison

  Glossary
Bach = holiday cottage
Pavlova = traditional dessert with meringue base, piled with whipped cream and decorated with fresh fruit
Postie = postman (usually female in Auckland)
Paua shell = abalone
Tuatara = native lizard
Kia ora = Maori greeting

    It was the night before Christmas, and all round the bach
    Not a possum was stirring; not one we could catch.
    We left on the table a meat pie and beer,
    In hopes that Santa Claus soon would be here.
     
    We children were snuggled up in our bunk beds,
    While dreams of pavlova danced in our heads;
    And mum in her nightie, and dad in his shorts,
    Had just settled down to watch TV sports.
     
    When outside the bach such a ho-ha arose,
    I woke up at once from my wonderful doze.
    I ran straight to the sliding door, looking about,
    Jumped out on the deck, and let out a shout.
     
    The fairy lights dad had strung up around the door
    Let me see everything down to the shore.
    And what did I see, when I took a peep?
    But a miniature tractor and eight tiny sheep.
     
    With a little old driver, his dog on his knee.
    I knew at once who this joker might be.
    He patted his dog, and in a voice not unkind,
    Cried "Good on ya, boy! Now, get in behind!
     
    "Now, Flossy! now Fluffy! now Shaun and Shane!
    On, Bossy! on, Buffy on, Jason and Wayne!
    Up that red tree, to the top of the bach!
    But mind you don't trample the vegetable patch."
     
    So up on the roof those sheep quickly flew,
    With the tractor of toys, Santa and his dog too.
    As my sister awoke and I turn around,
    In through the window he came with a bound.
     
    He wore a black singlet and little white shorts,
    And stuck on his feet were gumboots of course;
    A sack full of toys he had flung on his back,
    And he looked like a postie just opening his pack.
     
    His eyes right as paua shell - oh, how they twinkled!
    Like an old tuatara, his skin was all wrinkled!
    He had a wide face and a round, fat tummy,
    That looked like he'd eaten lots that was yummy.
     
    He spoke not a word, but got down on one knee,
    And placed a cricket set under the tree,
    A present for sis, one for dad, one for mum,
    Then he turned and he winked and held up his thumb.
     
    He jumped on his tractor, to his dog gave a whistle,
    And away they all flew, as fast as a missile.
    I called out "thanks," as he flew past the gate.
    He called back: "Kia ora to all, and good on ya, mate."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 10:13:42 AM
 
The following version of a well known poem seems particularly appropriate for all us word-lovers!

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 11, 2007, 10:16:22 AM
MMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't have the same poetic ring about it though, now does it???

Perhaps Jane could try that one on her kids and see what they think!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 10:20:07 AM
How about this version, then ? It won't apply to you, T, you ever-youthful soul.......

 A Senior Christmas

’Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

 

A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

 

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

 

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

 

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like “Where Are You Living?”  And “What Are Your Names?”

 

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

 

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.

 

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

’Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

 

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our social security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

 

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

’fore long you’ll be with us, we wish you the best.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 11, 2007, 10:56:43 AM
Binkie,
I loved the bureaucratic version of the usual poem.  Not so much the senior version - I much prefer fantasy to brutal realism!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 11, 2007, 12:58:47 PM
Oh Binky, the verbosity! I love it! Thanks Buddy  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 11, 2007, 02:50:56 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 11, 2007, 08:06:16 PM
I sometimes feel like that's me Binx...and other times i wish it was...
It sounds rather lovely, organised and peaceful....
No more worries about the washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, what to wear, work today, kids, school, lunch boxes, defrosting the freezer cos the door was left open all frigging night again, de-icing the car, money, who will i piss off today, the kids, the ex, where is my next bonk coming from, the garden, the bills, whose birthday is looming, whose did i miss, what should i buy them, my Mum, being sick, the weather, the boiler that is playing up, the kids, what to have for dinner, what did i miss today, the cold, the boss, when to bath, have i got time for this/that/the next thing,and WHEREISMYNEXTBONKCOMINGFROM.... etc etc etc etc ......

SOUNDS LIKE BLISS ACTUALLY....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:08:13 PM
Hey T - focusing on that 'where is my next bonk coming from' problem.  Don't worry, you'll get over it.  I sure did.  Very overrated really  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:12:56 PM
..... especially after 18 years!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:28:09 PM
Of not having it?  Or having too much?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:30:02 PM
If you knew my hubby you wouldn't even have to ask that one, geo!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:32:13 PM
But as I don't????? 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:36:21 PM
Let's just say that it is very high on his list of priorities!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:37:40 PM
Send him over to T's for a spell.  Problem solved.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:40:57 PM
Am off to the beach tomorrow afternoon for a few days.  No internet, therefore no puzzle til Saturday afternoon, and no forum.  What will I do??  I might need some therapy by the weekend.  Hopefully will get a chance to play at lunch tomorrow at work. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 09:48:35 PM
I could loan him out for a small fee, I suppose!!

How lovely to be off to the beach .... it is absolutely freezing here today but no wind, rain or snow so that's something!  Did have a little bit of snow on Saturday but it didn't amount to much, unfortunately!

Hope you don't wind up in therapy, geo, you will just have to go cold turkey until Saturday ... you can do it ... you might get the tremors though so will need copious amounts of wine to help you over your addiction!  Then, of course, you might get addicted to the wine and then you will need copious amounts of Chi to help you over that ... vicious circle really!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on December 11, 2007, 09:58:39 PM
Good idea - make money out of him.  In fact, you could auction him off to the highest bidder.  One night here, a weekend there.  You could have a superauction every so often and sell him off for a week.  Quite a good business starting here - no need to work the daily grind for you from now on girl!

Cold, almost but not quite snowing - absolute bliss.  I've just had to turn the air-con on in the bedroom so I can get to sleep tonight.  We've got high humidity, low cloud cover - in a word revolting. 

Already addicted to my wine - and cigs, and food - but am sure I could find a new addiction if I try hard enough.

Will try to catch up on all the posts this weekend.

Cheers
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:12:36 PM
A girl after my own heart!

Will ask hubby if he minds being farmed out ... sure he'd not see it as a chore!!

I don't mind the cold weather so long as it's bright, which it is now!  Absolutely hate high humidity ... apart from playing havoc with your hair, it's so uncomfortable and clammy!

Have fun on the beach .... perhaps you can pick up a hunky beach bum while you're there as UV seems to be as elusive as ever and I need to wear that crimson taffeta frock!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:29:31 PM
Perhaps I could hook you up with a tall, muscular, frisky yet gentle cowboy if UV doesn't pan out, geo ... You could stare into his steely grey eyes as he takes you for a trot around his spread on his mustang!   ;)

LL -- your hubby sounds like a bit of a stallion himself!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:38:32 PM
Would the cowboy look like a young Clint Eastwood?  If so, you can introduce one to me while my hubby is 'doing the rounds'!! 

You'd think after 18+ years of marriage the novelty would have worn off just a little ... but no!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:43:59 PM
I know how it is, LL - they say opposites attract, but sometimes the matter of urges can become a real obstacle. My old hubby has finally calmed down a bit these days, but for a while there, it was like, "are you still 19, dude?" Of course, we've been married nearly 35 years, so ... you've only got about 17 years to go!  >:D

Oh, there are some handsome ones around here -- mostly, though, they look a bit more weather-worn like Clint Eastwood looks now! Although I still like his steely eyes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 10:52:35 PM
Hope he'll calm down a bit earlier than that!  Bromide in the tea is meant to be good for damping down urges, I believe!  Must put it on my cauldron essentials list!

Clint is just a bit too weather-worn now but the eyes still have it!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 10:58:43 PM
I've heard they used to give saltpeter (an odd choice of words!) in prisons to calm men down.

Hey, here's a website link to the classic hilarious old song, "Grandma got run over by a reindeer!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPaGQEskSKM&eurl=http://www.links2love.com/christmas_songs_grandmarunover.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 11:04:16 PM
That song's a new one on me!  Can't stop humming the damn thing now!!   :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 11, 2007, 11:07:30 PM
It never gets old to me! Had me in stitches for years!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 11, 2007, 11:16:27 PM
Having connection problems with the forum again so might suddenly disappear!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 02:41:11 AM
How can you 2 moan about getting too much when there are other unfortunates [like me] that are getting none...???
I love it and miss it like hell.... although...'Men are all right but you can't beat the real thing  :-R '
It sounds like your old man and me would get on great LLL...i'll send him up some bus fare...you send him down for some respite....

And grizzled, worn, beaten up, world weary and varicosed veined...i would take my Clint 'Any and every which way i could'....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 02:47:31 AM
I'll hire him out for a week or two if you want!
Finally, got the forum and puzzles back ... been unable to get here most of the afternoon and neither has threeb.
Clint used to be lovely but a bit too old mannish now for my liking!
PM coming up!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 03:15:35 AM
I can't guarantee what condition he will be in when he gets back...but his big end will be knackered that's for sure... :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 03:33:25 AM
... and you think yours won't be?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on December 12, 2007, 03:39:37 AM
By the way, well done for getting rosette and trophy today!!  A rose between two thorns!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 12, 2007, 07:18:15 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates."In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each  possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

 

And So the Christmas Season continues......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 12, 2007, 07:44:22 AM
Good one, Bobbi!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 09:43:03 AM
Love it bobbi...and i might even be able to remember it to pass it on..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 12, 2007, 04:32:26 PM
Very cute, bobbi!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: kitteh on December 12, 2007, 07:01:31 PM
 long ago wen i wuz in teh Bach choir wit m mum we usta sing dis song-

The Twelve Days  AFTER Christmas
By Frederick Silver

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite
Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partirdge
my true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The third day after Christmas, my Mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French Hens to make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
all seven of the swimming swans had drowned
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, eleven lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming (Spoken: "Well, actually, I kept ONE of the drummers" ) and sent them back collect
I wrote my true love, " We are through, love! "
And I said in so many words,
" Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds! "

'Birds' is to be held out at a single high note while at the same time, quietly, in the background, the other singers sing the traditional: " Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree." (That is the only time it's done traditionally, otherwise the entire song has it's own melody.)
It is such a crack up because it's done choir style, quite serious

btw ladies tho dis iz da furst time im posting i have bin playing an lurking evry nite for months... i rily like yer comoo...kamon... group of peeplez you has here...(plus game z ril fun)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 12, 2007, 08:32:28 PM
That sounds like the kind of Bah Humbug luck i would have Kitteh...
Fantastic contribution...i love it...well done you.
And i'm glad you think we're a good bunch...i think so too...so join in anytime..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 13, 2007, 03:56:54 AM
Vow of Silence


At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence.  Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down.  Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year).  The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 13, 2007, 03:59:44 AM
BAH!!! Humbug!!!


Dear Boys and Girls,

Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my
a** to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain
it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit
about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I
caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew?
I always thought the little bastards were gay!

I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so
simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now
it's electronic gizmos up the a**, and what the h*ll does an old
fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on
the computer a few years ago and the da*n thing crashed. Lost all
the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly
tech support to the north pole?

Don't even get me started on the da*n reindeer. "Eight tiny
reindeer" my a**! Too much hay and carrots. They are so da*n fat
I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.

I shouldn't talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas.
Too many da*n cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little
kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! That's all I
get, especially in California with all those da*n health nuts. Is
it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep
him warm through the night?

Enough about my problems. How have you been?  Hope things are
going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying
over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules,
it's going to be a very long night.

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Lots of love,
Santa


(by Paul Benoit)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 13, 2007, 08:56:44 PM
Poor Santa,
I feel so sorry for him....[NOT]....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 15, 2007, 03:18:02 AM
Then you should feel even sorrier for this poor b*rd, T!  ;)

Christmas Parrot
 

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrot's left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 15, 2007, 08:08:37 AM
Here's a site filled with things festive from Australia. This page is classic!

http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/bwi28/c/christmas-form.html
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on December 15, 2007, 10:50:58 AM
That was a lot of fun - having just spent 45 minutes going through the site, I won't have time to add any more words to the game today. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 16, 2007, 11:36:11 PM
Yes, thanks for that -- I'm amazed you had the time to play, bobbi!

How goes it? Must be getting busy(er) for you ... so close to the holidays. I wish we could hear your chorus online!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on December 17, 2007, 06:49:29 AM
Hi Threeb,

You're right, I certainly couldn't find that sort of time to play on the computer! Think you're confusing me with Birdy who got a bit distracted by it poor thing. Have known about the site for years, and particularly like the bureaucratic form to which I frequently direct friends.

Will post news, comments, thoughts in appropriate thread (hello bobbi.) XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 20, 2007, 09:13:07 PM
A psychiatrist's favourite Christmas carols.......


Schizophrenics -  Do you hear what i hear?    ???

Multiple personality disorder - We 3 kings disoriented are...   

Dementia - I think i'll be home for Christmas!    :-\

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald angels sing about me.   :angel:

Manic - Deck the halls, walls, house and lawn, streets and stores, office and town, cars and buses and lorries and trees and.....

Paranoid - Santa Claus is coming to get me...   >:(

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of roasting on an open fire....

Personality Disorder - You better watch out, i'm gonna cry, i'm gonna pout, maybe i'll tell you why...   :'(

Attention deficit disorder - Silent Night, Holy ooohhh, look at the froggy, can i have a sweet, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 20, 2007, 09:23:16 PM
I love those, T! Very good ...

and here's something else to ponder:

"Santa Is A Woman"
by Susan Birkenseer


I think Santa Claus is a woman....
 
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
 
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
 
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
 
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
 
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
  with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
  as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
  to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
 
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
  Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
 
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
 
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 08:04:57 AM
Nothing to do with Christmas.....but always appropriate (in my case!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 08:07:30 AM
More of the same......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 24, 2007, 11:03:28 AM
Thanks for the hilarity, binks! I especially like the one about wiping that little bit of 'bs' off one's lips!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 24, 2007, 06:57:38 PM
I rather liked that one too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 25, 2007, 05:54:47 AM
Thanks Binx for those...
I will try and remember the last one next time out on the razzle...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 25, 2007, 07:39:53 AM
And a final Christmas message.... about someone so often overlooked at this time of year.



The Christmas Fairy



I am a little fairy

 On tap o' the Christmas Tree

 It's no' a job I fancy

 Well how would you like tae be me


 A tarted up wi' tinsel

 It's enough to mak ye boak

 An a couple o' jaggy branches

 Rammed up the back o' your frock.


An' these wee lights a'roon me

 I canna get my sleep

 An' there's the yearly visit

Frae Santa - Big fat creep!


On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here

While you're a' wirin' in

An' naebody says "Hey you up there

 Could you go a slug o' gin?


It's nae joke bein' a fairy

 The job's beyond belief

You've got to go roon' the bairn's beds

 An' lift their rotten teeth.


 But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets

 An' I've mentioned only some

 The very worst is sitting up a tree

Wi' pine needles up yir bum.


 When a' the fairies meet again

 By the light of the silvery moon

 Ye can tell the Christmas fairies

 They're the wans that canna sit doon.


 The Christmas tree's a bonny sight

 As the firelight softly flickers

 But think o' me I'm stuck up here

 Wi' needles in my knickers.


 So soon as Christmas time's right by

 An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer

 I'll get awa back tae Fairyland

 An' I'll see yous a' next year.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 29, 2007, 02:14:51 AM
Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top Oxymoron
1.  Microsoft Works
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 30, 2007, 03:56:22 PM
Brilliant, Threeb!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 30, 2007, 10:03:55 PM
Oh, no, binks -- 'tis YOU who are the genius!   ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on December 31, 2007, 09:11:07 AM
I didn't know they had published my picture??
Where are my royalties???

Very funny Binx...where do you find them?

I love those too threeb..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 10:33:16 AM
I got zillions of 'em, baby!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 10:34:54 AM
Notice the recurring theme here?  Nothing like me, of course!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on December 31, 2007, 02:43:52 PM
;-)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 10:58:19 PM
(http://img116.exs.cx/img116/1231/z7shysterical.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:25:25 PM
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:28:19 PM
As to the origin of evolution:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on December 31, 2007, 11:35:29 PM
And, for weird news from around the world, look here:

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN3053893220071230
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 01, 2008, 01:15:00 AM
Subject: ZEN SARCASM



1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty
much leave me the hell alone.
 
2.  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.

3.  It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

4.  Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
 
5.  Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
 
9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
 
12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13.  Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
 
16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
17.  Duct tape is like 'The Force'.  It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

18.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
 
20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
22.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 01, 2008, 01:19:22 AM
V. good, birdy!  I especially liked point number 18!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 01, 2008, 01:20:46 AM
Yes.  It shouldn't really be necessary to say it, should it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 01, 2008, 01:22:46 AM
Not really!  It's a well known fact ... probably the 11th Commandment!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 01, 2008, 05:04:03 AM
I love them Birdy...

I shall print them out and read them every day...

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 09:55:34 AM
Love 'em, Birdy!


AN ECONOMIC MODEL EXPLAINED WITH COWS


SOCIALISM:

You Have 2 Cows.
You Give one To Your Neighbour

COMMUNISM

You Have 2 Cows.
The State Takes Both & Gives You Some Milk.

FACISM

You Have 2 Cows
The State Takes Both & Sells You Some Milk

BUREAUCRATISM

You Have 2 Cows
The State Takes Both, Shoots one, Milks The Other, & Then Throws The Milk Away

TRADITONAL CAPITALISM

You Have 2 Cows
You Sell one & Buy A Bull.
Your Herd Multiplies & The Economy Grows. You Sell Them & Retire on The Income

SURREALISM

You Have 2 Giraffes
The Government Requires You To Take Harmonica Lessons

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Redesign Them So They Are one Tenth The Size Of An Ordinary Cow & Produce 20 Times The Milk. You Then Create A Clever Cow Cartoon Image Called "Cowkimon" & Market It Worldwide

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Re-engineer Them So They Live For 100 Years, Eat once A Month, And Milk Themselves

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows, But You Dont Know Where They Are
You Decide To Have Lunch

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Count Them & Learn You Have 5 Cows
You Count Them Again & Learn You Have 42 Cows
You Count Them Again & Learn You Have 2 Cows
You Stop Counting Cows & Open Another Bottle Of Vodka

A SWISS CORPORATION

You Have 5000 Cows. None Of Them Belong To You
You Charge The Owners For Storing Them

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Have 300 People Milking Them
You Claim That You Have Full Employment, & High Bovine Productivity.
You Arrest The Newsperson Who Reported The Real Situation

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
You Worship Them

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Both Are Mad

A SPANISH CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Your Cousin Is Jealous & Wants one, So He Starts A Civil War Over It

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
The one on The Left Looks Very Attractive

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You Have 2 Cows
Business Seems Very Good.
You Close The Office & Go For A few Beers To Celebrate




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 10:26:24 AM
Oh, you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 01, 2008, 01:11:43 PM
love it !!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 01:42:33 PM
After Christmas
================

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick
.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 01:43:53 PM
All hail -- binks the bard is baaaaaaaaaaaack!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 01:59:49 PM
Please.....no applause....just throw silver!   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 02:35:56 PM
My arm's not quite strong enough for that, considering the distance, but I'll try!

Here's my best shot, so just click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WDo-7DIzWI
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 02:36:54 PM
Please be warned.....the following photos are classified as porn.......


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 01, 2008, 02:37:36 PM
oops....I don't think you can read them
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: NatalyaPetrovna on January 01, 2008, 03:05:19 PM
I can kind of make them out-- the first guy is offering to take care of a crying baby at nght, the second is pulling over to ask for directions, and the third is cooking a gourmet meal.

So fess up anybody who got "glamour shots" at any of those cheesy mall portrait studios-- extra points if it was in the 70s and post 'em here!

http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

My favorite, with the caption "This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that yellow"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 01, 2008, 03:07:29 PM
I still can't see it!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 02, 2008, 02:19:46 AM
The Slightly Clueless Minister

A minister is in a flood. The river is overflowing, and water
surrounds the church up to the front porch. As he is standing at the
top of the steps, a boat comes up. The man in the boat says "Jump in,
Padre, we'll take you to safety."

The minster says, "Bless you but no, I put my trust in God. God
will provide for me." The boat goes away.

The water rises to the second floor. The minister is looking out a
window just above the water line. A larger boat comes up, and a man
on the boat bellows through a bull horn, "C'mon, Padre! Before it's
too late! We'll get you out of here."

"No, thanks. My faith is in God. God will provide for me." The
boat goes away.

Now the whole church is submerged with only the roof above the
water line. As The minister stands on the roof, a helicopter flies
overhead and drops a rope ladder. "Climb up, Padre! This is your
last chance!"

"No thank you. I have faith. God will provide for me."

The helicopter flies away.

The water continues to rise. It sweeps the minister off the roof
and he drowns.

In heaven, God says to him, "What are you doing here?"

"I put my trust in You and You let me down."

"What do you mean, I let you down?!? I sent you two boats and a
chopper!!!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 02, 2008, 08:10:42 AM
Who needs Readers Digest when we have you, Threeb? (That was meant to be a compliment!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 02, 2008, 11:54:04 AM
I'm glad you qualified that, binks ... I got a wee bit worried there at first!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 08:35:21 AM

   Jewish Buddhist



If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?



Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?



Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction;

With the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.



Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.



Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health,

Or a life without problems. What would you talk about?



The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy!.



There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,

You never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?



Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.

And then what do you have? Bupkis. (yiddish for nothing!)



The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.

The Tao is not Jewish.



Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this

And attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.



Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.

And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.



Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand

Times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.



Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not

Every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.



The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says,

There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 04, 2008, 09:30:00 AM
A great lesson in irreverent and practical kvetching!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 10:02:05 AM
Hope I didn't offend anyone!  Actually........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 10:10:39 AM
 WARNING........the following post contains poorly disguised coarse language!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take
four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts
one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box
out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs
and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he
hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 04, 2008, 11:02:03 AM
OMG, binks! That's just so completely -- and uproariously -- sick! A real laff-out-loud one.

Thanks for making my day!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 11:08:00 AM
Any time, dear!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:41:08 PM
10 Dating Tips By Way of Hollywood

author unknown

1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love ("The Way We Were," "Titanic," most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls "meeting cute" - mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders - you wouldn't end up at a table for two, but in court.

2. If the Person Isn't Interested - Or Loses Interest - Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one - scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boomboxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to "Say Anything." In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.

3. If You're a Man, Try Pretending You're Gay - Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued ("A Very Special Favor," "Three to Tango"). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?

4. If You're Gay, Don't Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You ("Bedrooms and Hallways," "Claire of the Moon," almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.

5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You're Funny ("The Graduate," "The Tao of Steve"). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they're charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny - and also, conveniently, rich.

6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You've Got a Good Personality ("Frankie and Johnny," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs"). Actually, even Hollywood doesn't really believe this - they know they're shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn't make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.

7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun ("Pretty Woman," "Working Girl"). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on - unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.

8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them "What It Means to Be a Woman" ("Woman of the Year," "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it's the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you're a tight young hardbody. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn't mean it's going to work for you.

9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work ("Love With the Proper Stranger," "An Officer and a Gentleman," "love jones"). Actually, that's more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.

10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good - Or Meet Again Later - You'll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment ("The Way We Were," "Now, Voyager," "Casablanca"). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you'll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there's an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies - and wonder, once again, why your love life can't match them quite so neatly.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:47:04 PM
I'm on a roll, now folks!


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Author Unknown

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I've not been told.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one???




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 02:53:47 PM
I shall simply keep going until someone stops me...........


Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 04, 2008, 04:10:27 PM
Very good, Binkie - I shall be copying them for my friends.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:26:23 PM
Here's another then !

How to Sing the Blues

A Primer For Beginners

Author Unknown

1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choices.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet b. beige c. mauve d. taupe e. peach

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway b. the jail house c. an empty bed

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. K mart b. Gallery openings c. weekends in the Hamptons

12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:42:22 PM
Nobody's come round to throttle me yet,..............and so I proceed.


Hickbonics/English Dictionary

Author Unknown

HEIDI - (noun):
Greeting.

HIRE YEW:
Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb):
Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun):
The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun):
The State west of Jawjuh.Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun):
A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb):
Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank a'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun):
An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective):
Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun):
A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun):
A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun):
A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun):
A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun):
A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb):
To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb):
a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun):
Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective):
Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective):
Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - (noun):
A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He can't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun):
A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb):
contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE:
a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked in yars."

SEED - (verb):
past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...view?"

GUBMINT - (noun):
A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 04, 2008, 04:50:26 PM
Slight change of subject..........



What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

Author Unknown

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did?

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh! How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission,cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 04, 2008, 04:52:58 PM
Re: Hickbonics/English Dictionary

I wonder how southerners would write what New Englanders say?  On the other hand, if it's people from Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine, they mostly don't say too much, especially to out-of-staters.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 05:07:56 AM
Mouse's revenge:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 05, 2008, 08:50:31 AM
To return to the original theme of this thread.......

What's Your Sign? (And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?)

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 08:59:35 AM
Are you saying that a Taurus will never throw anything away? Well, you're right!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 09:40:23 AM
You Might Be A Redneck Starfleet Captain If...

 1 - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

 2 - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

 3 - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

 4 - he refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters"

 5 - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

 6 - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and
     aluminum foil

 7 - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer
     section

 8 - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy?" instead of "Open
     hailing frequencies."

 9 - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

10 - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

11 - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack
     above it

12 - he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!" instead of
     "Engage"

13 - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

14 - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

15 - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

16 - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip
     greens

17 - he paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes

18 - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

19 - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

20 - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

21 - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

22 - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

23 - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

24 - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a
     meal of beans and weenies

25 - he sets phaser to "Cajun"

26 - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables

27 - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glu

28 - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine

29 - he lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol

30 - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay

31 - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target
     practice I ever had."

32 - he orders the ship into timewarp so he can have another go
     at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet

33 - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are
     all named after his favorite movie actresses


[Thanks to Randall Woodman]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 05, 2008, 09:47:17 AM
Thankyou, Threeb.......my first giggle of the day! Now I'm off to brave the elements....it's raining !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 05, 2008, 10:10:59 AM
Don't forget your wellies!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 07, 2008, 05:37:09 PM

Murphy's Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 09, 2008, 12:32:43 PM
Hi Tech Jargon Explained


NEW   Different color from previous design
ALL NEW   Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE   Imported product
UNMATCHED   Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY   Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION   No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN   The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST!   Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED   Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY   Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY   Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT   We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY   It's different from our competitors
BREAKTHROUGH   We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC   No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE   A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE   Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED   Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED   Assembly machines operated without gloves
PERFORMANCE PROVEN   Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS   Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE   Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY   Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY   We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE  When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION   Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS   We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY   You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE   Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES   We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED   Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED   Does things we can't explain
AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY   One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 09, 2008, 02:32:18 PM
And at the risk of being branded a racist (it's very hard to find PC jokes!)

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............


"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 09, 2008, 02:38:09 PM
Nothing off-key about that one, binks!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 10, 2008, 12:10:05 AM
Hilarious....
I loved it Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 10, 2008, 12:15:03 AM
Thoughts To Change Your Outlook

* A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
probably has a scapegoat.

* Plagiarism saves time.

* If at first you don't succeed, try management.

* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

* TEAMWORK.... .means never having to take all the blame yourself

* Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.

* INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 10, 2008, 12:15:57 AM
Medical Truths

- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the
call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses'
station.

- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are
guaranteed a rash of admissions.

- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...

- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be
ordered.

- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the
night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the
supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other
end.

- Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

- Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the
boss is watching.

- The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to
get repaired.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at
the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with
cardiac arrests!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 10, 2008, 12:17:09 AM
 ;D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:38:42 PM
The Moral of the Story...

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Brandon raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Brandon."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 08:40:28 PM
 :D  It's the way you tell 'em!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:46:18 PM
Thanks, I wish I were that good, but it's not original. I try to find the ones that make me laugh and pass them along. It came in my e-mail from "Joke of the Day"!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 08:47:17 PM
My emails are usually full of spam, spam, spam!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 08:50:28 PM
Mine, too -- but it's enjoyable to get a few jokes coming in to start off the week/end the week.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 09:03:28 PM
This piccy was at the bottom!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 11, 2008, 09:11:53 PM
I like!  Wish I'd had that on my wedding cake!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 11, 2008, 09:15:00 PM
It speaks volumes, eh?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 11, 2008, 09:15:20 PM
Good old Monty Python....[spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam....]

Love the cake topper...why was there nothing around like that when i got married??

The joke was really funny threeb..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 13, 2008, 11:24:32 PM
In Your Sunday Best...

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 14, 2008, 07:10:04 AM
That's cute Threeb, but the Aunty Sharon joke is hilarious! XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 14, 2008, 08:03:06 AM
Auntie Sharon is obviously a woman to be reckoned with!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 14, 2008, 09:47:07 AM
In the tradition of Rosie the Riveter and Beowulf's Hag!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: NatalyaPetrovna on January 14, 2008, 10:06:33 AM
Threeb- your joke reminded me of this one:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off, so I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off the bridge.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 14, 2008, 10:23:37 AM
That was really hilarious, NP -- Thanks for the laugh!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 15, 2008, 11:51:30 PM
Everyone with a young daughter is invited to download and print this form -- it will certainly sift out the wheat from the chaff!  ;)


An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 15, 2008, 11:55:28 PM
Very good!  Thank goodness I have a son ... wouldn't like to think what answers he'd give to those questions though!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 12:19:14 AM
I know my boys would have certainly been disheartened, although neither has anything to hide. I might send this out to the one with a little girl ... for future reference!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 16, 2008, 09:48:31 AM
I have printed off 100...
That should put a few boys off...with 2 teenage daughters [just, admittedly..] i will need all the help i can get to ward of the marauding masses...

Thanks for that...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 11:11:52 AM
I had a strong hunch you'd pick that one up right away, T! Hope it works for ya!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 16, 2008, 11:30:59 PM
No intro/explanation needed!!!

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


            Here are the winners:

                1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 
                 

                 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

                3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

                4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

                5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 

                6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

                7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

                8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 

                9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

                10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

                11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 

                12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

                13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

                14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 

                15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

                16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 

                17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

                The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 

                1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

                2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

                3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

                4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

                5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent. 

                6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

                7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

                8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash. 

                9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

                10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

                11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam. 

                12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

                13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

                14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism's. 

                15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

                16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. 

             
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 16, 2008, 11:59:35 PM
I love them!!  Been trying to think of one myself but brain not working today!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 17, 2008, 12:02:04 AM
Usually, those kind of words just come to you when you're not trying ... and sometimes with a serendipitous slip o' the tongue!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 18, 2008, 12:33:05 AM
Hilarious...

They will dispatched to my colleagues...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 18, 2008, 12:36:56 AM
I particularly like ignoranus -- which can be used describe so many people!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 18, 2008, 12:42:39 AM
How very true....

A good description of someone to whom you have just said...
'Is that some bullshit you need to wipe from your mouth?'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 18, 2008, 01:08:36 AM
Yeah, I'll be happy to provide the tissue!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 19, 2008, 09:53:01 AM
Just been laughing uproariously at the latest entries. Thankyou all! Here are a few thoughts for the day..........

 39 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 10:21:33 AM
They're all hilarious. binks but I especially loved the one about the jeans not making you look fat, and the Ark/Titanic one!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 19, 2008, 01:24:16 PM
I particularly liked:

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It's a good reminder not to let the b_st_rds get you down.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 19, 2008, 08:40:43 PM
Another thought for the day.........

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either."
  - Dick Cavett
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:46:14 PM
Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:52:17 PM
You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If ...

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

- You call your son's beeper to let him know that it is time to
eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

- Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

- You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this
year.

- Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your
college roommate used to play.

- Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit,
to make a purchase is foreign to you.

- You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have email.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:53:03 PM
Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets
and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how
is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets
or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of
his neighbors buys a gun."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 19, 2008, 11:55:14 PM
A Jewish Grandmother' s Answering Machine

Hello - this is Sadie, I'm not at home right now but should you
wish to leave a message, do so now.

If you are one of my children - press 1

If you want me to babysit - press 2

If your car is still in the garage and you need to use mine -
press 3

If it's Friday and you haven't bought a challah yet so I must rush
out and get one - press 4

If I need to take the grandkids to school/nursery school/soccer/
ballet/kindermusiek /swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons -
press 5

If I have to pick up the grandkids from school/nursery school/
soccer/ballet /kindermusiek/ swimming lessons/barmitzvah lessons -
press 6

If you're at a meeting and you wont make it home in time so I must
take the kids to the dentist/orthodontis t/speech therapist/
accelerated learning program/child psychologist - press 7

If you want the kids to sleep over even though it's my bridge
night - press 8

If you are one of my friends...What are you thinking? Who has time
to talk to you???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 20, 2008, 01:28:40 AM
 :D  I think I'm in danger of being classed as too Hi-Tech!!  Never carry money ... just like the Queen!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 01:52:16 AM
You and the Queen!!! Hahaha!

Oh, you were talking about Elizabeth?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 20, 2008, 02:01:20 AM
Is there another Queen?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 09:22:50 AM
Plenty!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 20, 2008, 12:30:40 PM
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it does on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 20, 2008, 06:57:34 PM
That's really funny Binkie  :D

Reminds me of a supermarket we had back here some yeaars og called Big Fresh that had some huge (and loud) animatronic displays in the fresh produce departments (cow in butchery, chickens over the eggs, and even singing veggies. For years, my children wouldn't let me shop anywhere else. Pity it is no more...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 11:13:35 PM
I wish we had one of those! Like going to Disneyland every day.  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 20, 2008, 11:14:15 PM
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but oneday the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 22, 2008, 07:57:55 AM

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on January 22, 2008, 04:20:07 PM
So, does it really belong to us nerds, or just the drummers? ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 22, 2008, 07:58:16 PM
Oh! Binketh...
Thou art funny in the highest order....
XX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 12:47:51 AM
Senior Dating

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she
seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!" replied mom.

"You mean he got fresh?" asked the daughter.

"No," mom answered, "I thought he was dead."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 23, 2008, 01:05:11 AM
That'll soon be me!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 01:16:56 AM
Not quite (35 years to go yet, mate), but I did think of you a bit when I found it!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 23, 2008, 02:23:37 AM
I'd have slapped his face if he hadn't got fresh...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 01:14:06 PM
That's my girl!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 08:09:44 PM
Common as ...!!  ;) >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 09:43:28 PM
In case you are looking for something for your own child, a nephew, niece, or somebody else's cute kid, look no farther. All should be available at your nearest bookstore and make great presents.

You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 09:53:26 PM
All great handbooks to help children understand the real world -- and all so politically IN-correct! I love it!  ;)

PS - are they available on e-bay?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:07:54 PM
Not sure I like this one ...

Quote
All Cats Go to Hell

 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:16:27 PM
Yes, or, ... "Some Kittens Can Fly"! Ouch!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:21:03 PM
Cats are so clever .....  >:D

Interestingly, two veterinarians did a study and found that in falls seven stories or less, the chance of survival was indeed greater with the shorter distances. However, with falls greater than seven stories, the number of injuries actually declined when compared to falls at seven stories. Thus, beyond seven stories, the farther the fall, the better the chance of survival. They found that the reason for this was that after five stories or so, cats reach terminal velocity. Before reaching terminal velocity, cats have their muscles tensed and are rigid and flexed and prepared for landing, making them more prone to injury due to the impact. Once they've reached terminal velocity, however, they relax their muscles and spread themselves out much like a flying squirrel, allowing the impact to be absorbed by a larger surface area and thus resulting in fewer injuries.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:32:43 PM
That man who survived a huge fall from a scaffold (sadly, his brother died) in Manhattan may have somehow done the same thing. He plunged 47 stories (nearly 500 feet)! Bloody unbelievable!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:35:32 PM
Makes me shudder!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:38:30 PM
If he had been praying, he could have said half a rosary ... and maybe it worked!

Can you imagine what thoughts might go through one's head during such a dreadful and horrifying experience? I wonder how long it actually took to hit the ground? Must have felt like a lifetime of eternities!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:40:13 PM
Doesn't bear thinking about!  I get dizzy just a few rungs up a ladder!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 10:49:57 PM
Lucky for me I'm short ... (or lowset, as binks suggested) ... I have to watch myself just going up and down sets of stairs, hold onto the rail just to make sure I don't miss a step.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 10:59:53 PM
I have such small feet I can't walk over a cattle grid without carefully holding on to the rails!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:02:15 PM
Talking of huge falls reminds me of a friend of mine, who marches to the beat of her own drum. Her mind works quite differently to ours, bless her. There was a tragic  accident a while ago, when the guy's parachute failed to open, and he fell to his death. Christine told me, in all seriousness " I expect he died because he was too tense as he fell. If he'd just relaxed, he'd have lived."
What can you say ?  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:05:00 PM
Takes all sorts!  I know someone who mispronounces words .... she told me one day that a friend of hers had been ill and was now 'vertically housebound'!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:06:56 PM
I have one of those, too! She had a "topical" pregnancy, poor soul.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:08:31 PM
Oh, and her elderly father was suffering from "degenerate quadrupeds"
Yes, took me a while, too..........degenerating quadriceps!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:10:28 PM
What can you say?  This woman I know doesn't manoeuvre her car into a parking space, she mahoovers it!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 11:20:56 PM
Mrs. Malaprop is alive and well ... in many forms! Yahooooooo!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 23, 2008, 11:30:01 PM
Expractly!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 23, 2008, 11:41:23 PM
or is that sexpractly?  >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 23, 2008, 11:45:16 PM
Indubitabably!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 24, 2008, 01:40:38 AM
Keeping to the blonde theme ...

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

 
 >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 24, 2008, 01:45:15 AM
We're on a roll, kid! Here's another:

"Magic Mirror"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 24, 2008, 03:34:01 AM
 :laugh:

Q.  What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?

A.  Artificial intelligence.   >:D

With apologies to all blonde forumites.  I'm sure you can retaliate with some brunette jokes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 03:13:19 AM
Medical Terms as Defined by Blondes:

Barium: What to do when treatment fails.

Cauterize: Make eye contact with her.

Colic: Sheepdog.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker.

Hangnail: Coat hook.

Labor pain: Hurt at work.

Tablet: Small table.

Tumor: More than one.

Varicose: Nearby.

Vein: Conceited.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 03:13:34 AM
Quiz For Cats

Your human walks into the kitchen.
Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you.
Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat

Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again

Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human (and in front of it)
d) All of the above

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their
talking behavior

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what
damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above

Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 25, 2008, 03:54:46 AM
I gave this quiz to my cat and here is his response:

1. d
2. d
3. d
4. d
5. c
6. b
7. b
8. a,b,c
9. f

Does this mean he is a well-balanced feline?   >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 25, 2008, 04:14:26 AM
Definitely the purrrrrrrrfect cat!  >:D A fitting tribute to your taste!  >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on January 29, 2008, 02:45:54 PM
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in the Bay of Islands with my boss and several of his bosses from Australia.


We'll be gone for a few days. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"


"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."


The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked.


The following weekend he came home looking exhausted and about 3 kgs lighter than when he had left.


The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said,"Yes! Lots of Snapper, some small Tuna, and a few Kingfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"


The wife replied,"I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 29, 2008, 07:46:08 PM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on January 29, 2008, 08:46:16 PM
I love that one...
We women are just so wise....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on January 29, 2008, 10:16:26 PM
Absoooooooolutely
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 29, 2008, 10:24:01 PM
We're hard to fool, that's for sure!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 29, 2008, 11:25:59 PM
The following link is a perfect video example of why LINDA HATES BIRDS!! (Linda -- beware!!!!)

http://www.viralvideochart.com/youtube/bird_poops_in_mouth?id=BzjLlqIuVhI
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 29, 2008, 11:28:20 PM
Good afternoon, matey ... haven't spoken for quite a while ... I am NOT going to even take a peep at your revolting sounding video!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on January 30, 2008, 12:59:55 AM
Gross!!! I just had breakfast.  Perhaps I should have read the title of the movie from the link first....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:02:58 AM
Sorry about that, anonsi -- but yes, the title was a BIG hint! At least Linda resisted, after my warning. Perhaps I should have put in an all-out caveat first ... of course, if anyone wants to really see what the fuss is all about, then, have at it! I thought it was pretty hilarious myself! (From a journalistic point of view, of course!  ;))
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:07:22 AM
You will not tempt me to have a look!  I know a woman who had a bird poo on her wedding dress just as she was entering the church!!  I would have cried but it's supposed to be lucky ... anyway, she's still married!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:09:47 AM
Actually, something similar happened with my mother as a kid, with a goose, no less! But, she soon met and then married her husband, and they were married for nearly 40 years. She always claimed it was good luck for her.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:11:16 AM
Geese are vile and revolting and dangerous birds ... nice to eat though!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 30, 2008, 01:31:34 AM
Huh!  We REAL birders would not have been caught like that - we know better than to stand under a tree filled with an infestation of birds.  Though I have to admit that I've been caught more times than I wish. I was walking to the subway one day when a bird got me on my forehead and glasses.  Before I realized what it was, I reached up and touched it, and then of course couldn't get a tissue out of my pocket without getting it all over my PANTS.  A young couple was coming along and I stopped them - they were very wary (this IS New York) and I suppose they thought I was going to ask them for money or something.  I told them "A bird just got me!" and asked them to reach into my pocket to get the tissue, which they kindly did.  I'm sure they were able to tell the story and get quite a few laughs out of it - I did.

There are teeshirts sold at birder conventions (and catalogs) showing lots of bird poop of different sizes - all carefully labelled with bird of origin for identification study.  An occupational hazard.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:33:24 AM
Thanks for that, birdy ... I feel extremely nauseous now!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on January 30, 2008, 01:38:11 AM
But just think how lucky I was that day on the way to work!  I think the real luck was that that young couple came along.

I think that saying about bird poop on one's wedding day is just to compensate for the unhappiness of the attack - like saying that rain on the wedding day is a lucky thing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 30, 2008, 01:38:44 AM
I've seen those t-shirts -- they're hilarious!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 30, 2008, 01:44:05 AM
Please order one for me ... I will wear it with pride!!  As if!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 03:29:27 AM
Hotel Of The Future

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing that he
needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the
desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but
down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should
serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening. The machine
started to buzz and whirl, and fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed is reflection.

The mirror showed the best haircut of his life!

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides A
Service Men Need When Away From Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was finally able to withdraw
his tender unit...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Two Nuns

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have
a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and
decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter
the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire.

The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they
are crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and
says, "I feel like a Marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one at
this time of the night?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on January 31, 2008, 06:49:11 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D and  :D

You do make me larf, threeb!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 11:32:55 AM
Always good to "leave 'em laughing!" I say ...  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 31, 2008, 12:53:10 PM
Oh Threeb.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on January 31, 2008, 12:54:43 PM
I'm trying to think of stuff........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 02:11:16 PM
And, for an extra-aromatic accompaniment, click here:

http://www.fart-joke.com/farting_dog_harmonics.htm
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on January 31, 2008, 02:19:53 PM
Here's something every dog-owner dreads:

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 01, 2008, 07:08:44 AM

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance-- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 01, 2008, 07:44:17 AM
That is SOOOOOOO cute, binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 02, 2008, 06:08:51 PM
drat!  I left a couple of very good jokes on this thread today and they've disappeared - the cost of the upgrade, I guess.  Too bad I can't remember what they were.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on February 02, 2008, 09:45:54 PM
G'day Binks.  I was thinking of you this morning.  I visited a friend from work who is on maternity leave and lives at Regents Park.  Driving down Beaudesert Road I saw a few signs for Algester & looked out to see if I could spot you riding down the road with grandchildren in tow - but not a sign of you anywhere!!  Where were you???????  Slacking off for the day, or just riding around the back streets?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 02, 2008, 11:20:57 PM
Messages here were lost as well -- had a coupla funny ones ...  :'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 03, 2008, 02:21:50 AM
Careful!     
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 04, 2008, 11:43:45 PM
A Few Points To Ponder

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near
impossible.

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines and
parking lot signs?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on February 05, 2008, 02:16:20 AM
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Yes.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 05, 2008, 02:30:54 AM
I'm off to get some bleach in that case!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: anonsi on February 05, 2008, 02:51:46 AM
I highly recommend it! :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 06, 2008, 02:56:01 PM
A couple of answers, but not many.

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

Not always true.  I had this discussion with a former supervisor.  If there are 10 students taking a test, and 9 of them score 100, and the last one scores zero, the average is 90.  Most of them are above average.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I have organized fossil hunting expeditions for forest rangers coming back home for a vacation from their work in Alaska.  They generally want a combination of things they have done without.  This should also include some really good food.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 07, 2008, 01:50:10 AM
Very punny!  ;D

Here's a few more laughs --

Overheard:

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't
want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Rejected Greeting Cards

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 07, 2008, 08:02:19 PM
I could use all of those threeb...

[must write them down....]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 07, 2008, 11:40:39 PM
They're definitely handy, and everyone knows someone to whom they will apply! Have fun, T!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 12, 2008, 10:14:48 AM
I'm afraid this group has not been living up to its reputation lately.  I'm very much concerned that we're getting too serious.  Yes, the game is important, and whether pants are allowed or optional is important anywhere other than a nudist colony.  Yes, it is important to make fudgier brownies, and to wear the proper thing to our birthday celebrations.  However, it is also important to realize that WE ARE NOT SERIOUS PEOPLE -  it is our DUTY to raise roofs, or even possibly rooves, and to shake the established order.

So, to counter the present prevailing atmosphere of sobriety, I hearby suggest the following:

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom..... Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ....."In Box."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write: "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, ..........Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ........."To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask... Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're .........Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream... "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner:
"Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20.  [And this is where you get to make your own suggestion]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 12, 2008, 08:14:06 PM
Thank you Birdy....

That made me chuckle...

Funnily enough i was only thinking the same as you, just t'other day....

We need some good jokes [rude ones preferably]
funny pictures [rude ones preferably]
...and funny stories [rude ones preferably]

Let's go girls.... ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:36:42 PM
... and which is PRESACTLY why I started this thread in the first place!!!! So, here goes more:

What Not To Say To Your Valentine...

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 12, 2008, 10:42:51 PM
Hilarious, threeb!!  Those are my kind of Valentine rhymes!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:47:24 PM
Me, too! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 12, 2008, 10:50:56 PM
Here's an odd couple I just found --

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 12, 2008, 11:03:57 PM
Sweet!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 12:00:00 AM
This one made me laugh - and wish I'd been there:

http://www.gadling.com/2008/02/01/best-prank-ever-stopping-time-at-grand-central-station/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 13, 2008, 12:04:53 AM
How weird must that have been if you weren't in on the joke?!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 13, 2008, 12:18:00 AM
What a totally awesome event, birdy! Did you hear about it when it happened?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 12:58:06 PM
I think I may have heard a vague reference to it, but it may have been when I wasn't in town.  You did undoubtedly notice people walking by as if nothing was happening - they would have been the New Yorkers, who of course would never admit that they didn't know what was going on.  Or other New Yorkers who knowingly stated, "It must be a demonstration, or an acting class."! 

New Yorkers generally don't like to admit that they're "not in the know" - an attitude quickly picked up by the newest New Yorkers.  I remember my first month in NYC - standing on the corner of 34th St. at Herald Square and sending a tourist to Times Square at 42nd St. to find the Empire State Building  (which was just behind where I was standing - if either of us had looked up we would have seen it).  I was still new enough that I did tell the tourist that I wasn't sure.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 13, 2008, 01:31:54 PM
And now for something completely different...


If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.  Some of them are hysterical.
 
 Q: Name the four seasons.
 A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
 Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
 A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
 
 Q: How is dew formed?
 A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
 Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
 A: Keep it in the cow.
 
  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
 A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
 Q: What are steroids?
 A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
 Q: What happens to your body as you age?
 A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
 Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
 
 Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
 A: Premature death.
 
 Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
 A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
 
 Q: What is the fibula?
 A: A small lie.
 
 Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
 A: Nearby.
 
 Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
 A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
 
  Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
 A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 13, 2008, 03:39:03 PM
Proving yet again that Art Linkletter was right -- kids DO say the darnedest things!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 13, 2008, 09:04:53 PM
Love those, birdy! ... esp. the flirtation one!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 14, 2008, 12:36:29 AM
I like those a lot Birdy. In fact i have them on my wall in one of my offices!!
Titter titter....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 14, 2008, 03:15:52 PM
"Why Guys Can't Win"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get
off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control
freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 14, 2008, 07:43:20 PM
All makes perfect sense to me!   >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 15, 2008, 01:55:34 AM
Why Valentine's Day Is In February

* Christmas and Easter had the first two draft picks.

* Chocolate melts in the summertime!

* Greeting Card Cartels are too powerful, if Hallmark wants a
holiday in February, Hallmark GETS a holiday in February.

* St. Valentine's martyrdom probably had something to do with it.

* "February" is an anagram for "Bare Fury."

* Males can only engage in romantic rituals that occur between
the end of football season and the beginning of hockey playoffs.

* Red clothes with fuzzy white trim are still in fashion this soon
after Christmas.

* Cupid's wings are too small to navigate the treacherous warm
updrafts during the other seasons.

* In February winter feels like it will never end and a bit of a
nice holiday halfway through the tedium stirs our minds to turn
toward warm thoughts of the coming Spring.

* The temperature in February is so cold that cuddling is a
matter of survival for the species.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 15, 2008, 02:27:11 AM
Love On Valentine's Day

He loved her very much, and he wanted this Valentine's day to be
special. So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liqueur
imported from France and it had delivered just in time for the
occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned
to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones,
but to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her
flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left, the kind
normally used for decoration.

What was he to do?

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the
florist to make a bouquet using the bottle of the liqueur instead
of a vase, and the ferns instead flowers.

What she produced was magnificent! It went well beyond his
expectations, and he knew it would be perfect!

He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife
was beautiful, dressed in her most elegant gown, hair done just so.
It was readily apparent that she had spent much of the day
preparing for this moment. She had a romantic candlelight dinner
ready for the two of them, music playing softly in the background
(their favorite song, of course), everything was "just so".

He kissed her, then presented her with his gift.

She opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered back to him, lovingly,
"Yes, and ... with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

[Thanks to Stan Kegel]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 15, 2008, 05:27:20 AM
I think i'm gonna be sick....

Where has my romance gone??  I've searched everywhere, and can't find it - oh! i know...i put it somewhere safe...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on February 17, 2008, 07:38:25 AM
For all of us who have 'known' men!!

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.


Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...


Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.


Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????


Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...


Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!


Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 17, 2008, 07:41:56 AM
 :D :D 

However, in the interests of fairness I must say that I think some men are wonderful .... not many, mind you!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 17, 2008, 10:07:14 AM
Linda, I think there's a saying about "The exception proves the rule."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 18, 2008, 12:20:46 AM
Well done jane..i think that is an excellent summary.

But as LL pointed out-there are the exceptions that prove the rule.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 18, 2008, 11:14:01 PM
"You Do The Math":

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 18, 2008, 11:29:34 PM
It's the way you tell 'em, threeb!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 18, 2008, 11:39:20 PM
Thanks, LL -- just want to start the day with a laff or 2! But, I get them in my emailbox from time to time (it's a joke of the day free subscription), so I can't take all the credit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 19, 2008, 10:05:59 PM
I'm not sure which definition i like the best...
All good stuff.

Let's hope the few guys among us don't decide to start 'woman bashing'......actually i think the few guys among us have more sense...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 12:32:51 AM
While we're on a roll ...

Translating "Guy" Speak:

It's really a good movie.
REALLY MEANS
It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women.

You know how bad my memory is.
REALLY MEANS
I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop. the address
of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal.
REALLY MEANS
I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt.

I do help around the house.
REALLY MEANS
I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.

What did I do this time?
REALLY MEANS
What did you catch me doing?

She's one of the rabid feminists.
REALLY MEANS
She refused to make my coffee.

I heard you.
REALLY MEANS
I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me.

You really look terrific in that outfit.
REALLY MEANS
Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving.

I missed you.
REALLY MEANS
I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper.

I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.
REALLY MEANS
No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.
REALLY MEANS
I make the messes. She cleans them up.

I don't need to read the instructions.
REALLY MEANS
I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 20, 2008, 12:39:20 AM
I am beginning to find all these ditties a tad worrying.....

...because they are all so true, and not jokes at all....

IS IT JUST ME!!!!???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 01:04:24 AM
Why do you think they keep writing more?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 20, 2008, 01:43:01 AM
Good olde fashioned womens lib

-not that i would dare burn my bra's -far too expensive and i just couldn't subject innocent people to that kind of torture....  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on February 20, 2008, 02:33:32 PM
A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3
years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Note, not a true story from my past, but a joke someone emailed me recently. b XXX
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 20, 2008, 03:48:33 PM
What a great joke, bobbi! Thanks for the larf!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 22, 2008, 01:10:08 AM
What a lovely little gem....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 22, 2008, 02:16:35 AM
Least Desirable Fortune Cookie Fortunes

- We know where you live.

- You will need good reading material in about 15 minutes.

- Everyone's meal today is on you!

- The "special sauce" came from the floor!

- Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win
a free meal!!

- Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

- A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love
you long time.

- Your dog Sparky...he' s no longer missing.

- See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance
policies.

- That wasn't chicken!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 22, 2008, 03:05:27 AM
Confusing he say:
Man who cooks cabbage and peas in same pot - velly unhygienic!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on February 24, 2008, 06:18:01 AM
Apparently these are quotes taken from National Government employee performance evaluations.

ENJOY!

1 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig '
2. 'I would not allow this employee to breed '
3. 'This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more ofa definite won't be
4. 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap '
5. ' When he opens his mouth it's only to change feet '
6. 'This young lady had delusions of adequacy '7. 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them'
8. 'This employee is depriving a village of an idiot '
9. 'This employee should go far, the sooner he starts the better.'
10. 'Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.'
11. ' A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
12. He doesn't have ulcers, hes a carrier '
13 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime '
14. ' He's been working with glue too much '
15. 'He would argue with a signpost.'
16.'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
17. 'When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.'
18.' If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.'
19. ' A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
20.' A prime candidate for natural de-selection.'
21.'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
22.'Gates are down, the lights are flashing , but the train isnt coming.'
23.'He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other one is out looking for it .
24.'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week'
25.' If you give him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.'
26.' If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.'
27.' It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.'
28.'One neuron short of a synapse.'
29.' Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargled.'
30.' Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.'
31.'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Just love number 21!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 24, 2008, 09:53:09 AM
Really a riot! ... and 24, 29 & 31!

No wonder our government (all governments?) are so broken down! And to think, we're paying their salary! Now, who's really smarter????? Hmmmmm........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 24, 2008, 12:04:10 PM
I work with someone who is all of the above.....

i am sure they will go far....

Fantastic jane-thanks for those...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 24, 2008, 01:15:41 PM
I've seen this before, and it's still one of my favorites.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 24, 2008, 11:55:56 PM
Teenagers & Cats

Why teenagers have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them
by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all
human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the
privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager
in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours
on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known
to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal
in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds,
they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and
it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

As for the use of catnip as a reward or an enticement for
teenagers, it is still being hotly debated.

[from Maurizio Mariotti]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 25, 2008, 03:48:04 AM
Thanks for the hints and tips,
I'm gonna need them big time with 2 hitting the teenage 'dead zone' at the same time.. :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 25, 2008, 04:45:28 AM
I think this is another good reason to have cats instead of kids - they take up less room.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 25, 2008, 05:15:06 AM
Not if you keep the kids in the shed!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 26, 2008, 07:40:48 AM
Perhaps we should have been given this test before we procreated!


ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN ?



FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE:

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
11. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out:

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
2. Stir
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 01:43:56 PM
Hard lessons, but oh, so true, binks!

Number 4's my favorite ... number 6 could also apply to cats!

Here's something else useful:

The four most important things for a plumber to learn:

1. Hot on the left, cold on the right.
2. Sh*t flows downhill.
3. Payday is Friday.
4. Don't chew your fingernails.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on February 26, 2008, 03:45:56 PM
For us guys, there is one major issue you left out.

Small children riding in shopping carts tend to swing their legs.

This has a most unfortunate tendancy to catch us where it hurts the most.

Toddlers appear to enjoy this. :(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 26, 2008, 09:41:56 PM
Isn't 'where it hurts most' you guy's wallets??/

Did i miss something??  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 11:19:26 PM
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.

26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on February 26, 2008, 11:24:03 PM
Oh dear, oh dear!!!  Don't know whether to groan or laugh .... like the headlines bit!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 26, 2008, 11:53:24 PM
Mostly I groaned --   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 27, 2008, 01:11:10 AM
State Wage & Hour Review

A man owned a small farm. The State Wage & Hour Department
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board."

"Anyone else?" asked the agent.

"Well, there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10
per week, pays his own room and board, but I do buy him a bottle
of beer every Saturday night. He also gets to sleep with my wife
occasionally. "

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the
agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on February 27, 2008, 02:57:02 AM

A blond was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
 
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
 
Why WALMART???
 
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
 
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on February 27, 2008, 08:41:26 AM
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the
US Railroads.


Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used
for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up
with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets
attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the
SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through
that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a
horse's ass.



... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on February 28, 2008, 12:10:03 AM
What a truly incredible and hilarious tale, binks!!   ;DI'm definitely keeping that one and passing it along!

Here are a few tips for anyone planning a vacation -- and "truth in advertising":

Translating Vacation Terms

When choosing a vacation spot, be aware of the following
advertising terminology and their meanings . .

Tropical . . . . . . . . Rainy.
Old world charm . . . . .No bath.
Open bar . . . . . . . . Free ice cubes.
Pre registered rooms . . Both already occupied.
Majestic setting . . . . A long way from town.
Secluded hideaway . . . .Impossible to find except by cab.
Options galore . . . . . Nothing on the itinerary is included.
Knowledgeable hosts. . . They've been on a greyhound once.
Gentle breezes . . . . . Occasional Gale force winds.
Plush . . . . . . . . . .Top and bottom sheets.
Light and airy . . . . . No air conditioning.
Picturesque . . . . . . .Cutie on the billboard across the street.
Nominal fee . . . . . . .Outrageous charge.
Explore on your own . . .Pay for it yourself.
No extra fees . . . . . .No extras.
Standard . . . . . . . . Sub-standard.
Deluxe . . . . . . . . . Standard.
Superior . . . . . . . . One free shower cap.
All the amenities . . . .A shower cap and soap.
Internet access . . . . .You need your own dial-up account.
Only 25 cents per call . . . . We knock you off-line every 5 minutes.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on February 28, 2008, 12:35:41 AM
I have much more reverence for a horse's ass now...and will bear in  mind the hols info when next i book...

Thanks guys ....brilliant both !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on March 04, 2008, 06:26:07 AM
For those of us that are dieting.......

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat fois-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

 CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.   Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 04, 2008, 07:48:53 AM
Mon dieu...c'est formidable...
Mais je ne regret rien......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 04, 2008, 12:28:56 PM
Moi oh-see!

Vive joie de vivre!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 08, 2008, 03:31:20 AM
I have left everyone with three little larfs to get you through the day:



It's Her Problem

A man dressed like Napoleon, with his right hand inside his coat,
entered the psychiatrist' s office and nervously exclaimed, "Doc,
I need your help right away."

"I can see that. Lie down on that couch and tell me about your
problem."

"My problem??? I don't have any problem. In fact, as Emperor of
France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women,
power, everything!"

"Then why are you here?" asked the psychiatrist.

"It's my wife," replied 'Napoleon', "it's her problem I came to
see you about."

"And what, exactly, is her problem?" queried the doctor.

"I'm afraid she's is in deep mental trouble." answered 'Napoleon'.
"For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schmidt!"
--------------

Hiking

A man comes home from a long business trip and finds his son
playing with an expensive toy.

"Who bought you that?" he asks.

"I did," replies the boy. "I bought it with the money I earned
hiking."

"Hiking?" asks his father. "Who pays anyone to go hiking?"

"Mr Jones next door," replies the boy.

"Mr. Jones!? Why would Mr. Jones pay you to hike?" asks the
father.

"I don't know." replies the son. "But every time he came around
to see Mommy he gave me $5.00 and told me to take a hike."
---------------

Insomniac Accountant

An accountant came to work looking exhausted. After a while, his
boss took him aside. "you look terrible! What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night."

"Why didn't you try counting sheep?"

"That was the problem. I made a mistake and it took me the rest of
the night to find it."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 08, 2008, 04:01:32 AM
Titter, titter,   :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 09, 2008, 02:20:58 PM
I know this has been around a while - it's come by me at least 4 times.  But it's still one of my favorites.  A knowledge of science is so important in these times!

                _______________________________________________________________

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

 Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic  (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


 One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we  need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[Birdy's addendum: this is a new version of an old answer - in the version I had seen before, the student did NOT sleep with Teresa (or whatever her name was), so the conclusion was that hell had not frozen over and thus was endothermic.]


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 09, 2008, 11:21:00 PM
Fantastic Birdy..
I hadn't seen that before...brilliant...but wait till i get my hands on that bloody Teresa...slut!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 10, 2008, 12:48:40 AM
Truly!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 10, 2008, 02:42:33 PM
But T - that slut Teresa sacrificed herself so we could all go to heaven - though it does sound as if she preceded us there.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: lucylu on March 10, 2008, 03:42:21 PM
That was excellent Birdy!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 10, 2008, 07:38:44 PM
MMMMMMMM Birdy..............good point....much the same as me then...i will rethink  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 11, 2008, 02:15:40 AM
Warning:  Do not read this where anyone else can hear it.   I just got this from another forum, and was nearly arrested for disturbing the peace.  I was howling with laughter and tears were rolling down my face.  This is known as a consumer disclaimer.      [It's very long but worth it.]

Funny motor insurance claims.

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.) (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

"A house hit my car." (A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.) (Thanks Ben Keirnan)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 11, 2008, 02:38:55 AM
I think they're hilarious, flockies!  Jasper Carrott's face is a picture when he's telling them!

Think we've had some of these before, 'cos I remember one I especially liked -

Quote
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

Warped sense of humour ... as becomes a raddled old hag!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 11, 2008, 02:41:57 AM
I have seen some of them before, i have been in stitches reading them though....absolutely hilarious....

There are too many to choose a fave...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 11, 2008, 11:54:29 AM
I've seen them before, too ... and they're always just as rip-roaring funny as the first time around!

There are so many funny ones, like the one Linda quoted, and another great one is:


"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 12, 2008, 07:08:39 AM
I had seen some of them before but not all.  I just sent them to you yesterday, and went back today - didn't dare look at them all for fear of needing more tissues to wipe away the tears of laughter.  But even after just 6 or 7, my eyes are tearing.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 12, 2008, 09:49:46 AM
Mine were too.....
So bloody funny...and the fact that they are true statements makes it funnier.

Are people really that...stupid!  I suppose they must be..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 13, 2008, 11:55:58 AM
These seem to have the ring of truth ...

Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but
there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for
Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you
least like.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 09:52:46 AM

HOW TO NEGLECT THE FORUM WITHOUT REALLY TRYING


Step 1   Arrange to look after  two grandchildren for several days a week. One must be almost three,going on 43, a drama queen, and have reached the "Tell me why " stage. The other must be 12 months old, have just learned to walk, and have the attitude and habits of a Kamikazi Pilot.

Step 2  Crack one's own ribs. Instructions follow.  Bend awkwardly sideways to pick up aforementioned Kamikazi Pilot (KP), while holding drama queen's hand, during a 3-sided attempt at "Ring-ring-a-Rosy". Listen for the actual crunch as one rib manages to somehow collide with and harm its neighbour.

Step 3  Contract a cold that involves a good deal of coughing. Attempt to suppress the coughing in order not to aggravate cracked ribs. (see Step 2)  At the same time, continue with Step 1, making sure that there is an inordinate amount of picking up of KP. This will result in doing Something Nasty to one's back.

Step 4  While continuing with Steps 1 to 3, prepare for the imminent visit of brother and partner from the UK. Bear in mind that they are enthusuastic bushwalkers and  are eagerly anticipating an energetic and exciting series of hikes, Australian style. Bear in mind also that they are gourmet cooks. Compare this with your own "Hurl various things into a wok, followed by various other things and hope for the best " style of cooking.

Step 5  Combine Steps 1 to 4, take several Valium, a large glass of something alcoholic, lie down in a darkened room and stop the world for a few days.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 14, 2008, 10:09:08 AM
Oh! Dear Binx,
You have been having a rough time of it....
You poor bugger...i feel for you, and believe me i know where you are coming from.
You need to be at least an octopus to cope with 2 at the same time...and that's when you are fighting fit.....
Let the others pander to you, lie low, and put it on as much as possible...groan a lot, limp everywhere, clutch your ribs at every opportunity, be extra snappy all the time....just for a few days....

I wish i could help....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 10:17:46 AM
Thankyou for the kind words and thoughts, T !
It's not as bad as I made it sound, really, but where's the drama and suspense in "I cracked a rib, hurt my back a bit, and I'm expecting my brother soon " ?????
One really has to make the most of one's dramatic possibilities, doesn't one?  Never fear, I'm ladling it on with a trowel........you'd be proud of my performance. I've perfected the barely-suppressed groan, the brave little smile, the attempt to appear nonchalant in the face of appalling agony......God, I'm good!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 14, 2008, 11:50:26 AM
Oh my, binks! Please be careful. You might be young at heart but the ribs keep aging, alas!

We do miss you and hope everything turns around for the better soon!!!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 14, 2008, 01:54:35 PM
All is well, really. I just seem to have had a run of Life As She Is Lived recently.  I wouldn't change looking after them for the world, no matter how horrendous I make it sound !

Rapidly Aging Grandmother versus Scarily Articulate Granddaughter.
                                (  RAG v SAG)

SAG   " You be a little girl, Farmor and I'll be a fierce tiger who eats you up."

RAG    " All right, dear."  Sits and looks like a little girl. (dream on !)

SAG    " Yum! Now you've only got one arm! Yum ! Now you've got NO arms!" (etc etc)

RAG    (after attempting to appear armless, legless, headless) " Oh dear! What shall I do ? I don't have any of me left! "

SAG   "  You can't talk Farmor.....you've got no head!"

RAG      Attempts to reply without sound or gesture.This is difficult.

SAG     "Now I'm the lady in the leg shop and you can come to buy some more legs. Come over here, Farmor."

RAG     Starts to shuffle on knees.......

SAG     "No Farmor, you haven't ANY legs. You have to roll "

RAG     Barely suppresses a groan, (see previous post) and somehow rolls to the leg shop.

SAG     " Click ! Click! There you are Farmor....now you have some new legs! "

RAG      Rises with relief, and walks normally.

SAG     " No, Farmor! I gave you little tiny legs, so now you have to fall over ALL the time!"(peals of delighted laughter)

RAG admits defeat.  Despite being legless, manages to crawl several rungs up the martyrdom ladder.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 14, 2008, 08:09:43 PM
We miss you LOTS binks ... especially your haggish wit and wisdom!!  >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 14, 2008, 08:49:06 PM
Binx...you are bloody hilarious....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 14, 2008, 10:07:02 PM
What a perfect understanding between you and her -- she will one day herself become the RAG under your diligent tutelage -- although I daresay she's taught you well herself!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 15, 2008, 03:15:31 PM
Binkie,
That last dialogue made me laugh almost as much as the insurance explanations.  Madly logical, are they not?  Of course you can't talk with no head, or crawl with no legs!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 16, 2008, 03:00:02 AM
Here's one to go along with Binkie's (and my) status in life:

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Granddaddies and Grandmas have only so many horsy rides in them.
-- Gene Perret
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 08:08:28 AM

Oh, how true.....how very true!

Mind you, it's not the actual horsy riding I find stressful, it's the spurs.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 09:31:10 AM
 
 "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. "

Shelley Winters.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 02:45:24 PM
Important Life Lessons


After buying a barbecued chicken, it is not advisable to leave it under a car seat for 3 days by accident.The chicken will be inedible, and the car undriveable for a week, even with the windows rolled down.

Oven mitts are not a substitute for rubber gloves. A plea of being tired and emotional does not excuse plunging the oven mitts into a sink full of hot soapy water.

Those owning a pressure cooker must be vigilant when cooking bouillabaise. It dries, naturally, like fish glue and is exceptionally difficult to scrape off the kitchen ceiling.

Always take reading glasses when shopping. This will help to avoid making irritating mistakes. Conditioner will not lather the hair, no matter how much you use.

When assembling, preparing and pre-cooking ingredients for Lamb Ragout, it is essential to ensure that you have defrosted lamb pieces, and not meat scraps saved to feed kookaburras. Meat Scrap Ragout leaves much to be desired.

Baked potatoes are far tastier and more palatable if you remember to turn the oven on.

The area of kitchen covered by a dropped container of flour is in direct proportion to the number of minutes before guests are expected.

Bullrushes make a wonderful addition to dried flower arrangements. Unless treated beforehand, however, they will explode in a virtual Vesuvius of soft, fluffy seeds, gently blanketing most of the room, especially if anyone breathes.

After a particularly difficult day, if you decide that a romantic interlude is needed, take the utmost care whilst ironing your one-and-only pure silk negligee. The iron should be set on "Silk", not "Instant Charcoal"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 16, 2008, 04:49:21 PM
Oh my gosh Binkie, I do hope that these lessons were collected over a period of many years, decades even!

I relate to your first one at the moment. The evil ginger cat who lives a few doors long from us (and whose equally evil owners do not permit him to go inside their home, thus encouraging him to tour the neighbourhood, generally making a nuisance of himself), (AND who are too skint to have him neutered), decided the soft top of my Audi convertible needed liberal quantities of tomcat spray to establish his territorial supremacy in our garage, I suppose in anticipation of winter and a cosy indoor place to sleep.

Thank goodness for Febreeze!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 05:12:12 PM
Hello Bobbi !  I shall not embarrass myself further by letting you know just how long it took to learn these lessons. Your trials with the cat, however, reminds me that the night of the negligee was also the night that a newly-adopted cat had a violent attack of gastroentiritis on our bed. We discovered this before even turning the light on. There are times when a sense of smell is not desirable.  Still, life would be boring if nothing went wrong, wouldn't it ?   :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 16, 2008, 08:29:36 PM
                                 

                                              RAG v SAG



RAG     Sneezes. "Excuse me! "

SAG     "No Farmor, you don't say excuse me when you sneeze. "

RAG     "Oh. What do I say when I sneeze ? "

SAG     "You say "Pardon me""

RAG     "I see. So when do I say "Excuse me" ? "

SAG     (Triumphantly) "When you FART !"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 16, 2008, 10:50:51 PM
Oh, Binks -- if only you could turn your enchanting dialogues into a cartoon strip -- you would delight the world (not to mention a bucketload of cash as the cartoons would be enormously popular!)!  :angel: :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 12:48:32 AM
As Art Linkleter noted, "Kids say the darndest things!"  He made a book or two out of it.  It's good to know some kids these days are learning manners and even nuances!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 12:50:54 AM
This one is old but one of my favorites:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

 Remember the book -
 "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life
 example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor assigned his
 students to a joint writing exercise that quickly degraded - check it out...

 "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

 As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another  copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another  paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and
 forth.

 Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The  story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

 The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

 Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

 ----------------------------------------------------------------

 THE STORY: (First paragraph by Rebecca)

 At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

 --------------------------------------------------------------
 (second paragraph by Gary)

 Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron  now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle  beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless  hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law  Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

 --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands  of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the  Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to  pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.

---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such  an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

 ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)

 A**hole.

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 B****.

 -------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)

 Get screwed.

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 Eat sh**.

 --------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)

 SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

 ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)

 GO DRINK SOME TEA - *****.

 ***************************************************************
 
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Instuctor)
A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 17, 2008, 01:06:54 AM
Oh, what a clever and wonderful exchange! Yes, I do remember the book.

Perhaps we can do the same here -- start a running story! Put our heads together and see where it goes! I think it would be highly popular!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 05:07:43 AM
When my Brooklyn nieces were little, we used to do this orally as we'd be driving the two hours to my mother's house.  Everyone was allowed one sentence.  I do remember that we got one really good story out of it, though I no longer remember the details, since I unfortunately never wrote it down.  The others served to pass the time and keep the kids from fidgeting.

The problem usually is that the story degenerates as it gets torn in one direction or another.  I remember we couldn't stand one character my younger niece came up with.  Her sister used her sentence to kill the character off.  When her turn came up again, the younger niece then used her sentence, "Luckily, a good witch came along and brought the princess back to life."

So - want to start a thread, Threeb?  We might need rules (do you think they'd go over with this crowd?) - that limit the amount of chitchat and commentary - otherwise the story would spin out of hand.  How about:

1. story line - basics agreed on in advance (mystery, fantasy, romance, horror, historical)
2. each segment limited to 50 words or less 
3. written in bold 
4. any commentary to be in italics and a different color (green? - certainly not p____e) 
5. no commentary without additional contribution to the story (that's to keep us hags from name-calling without advancing the story)
6. smilies only in the commentary
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 17, 2008, 09:49:07 AM
Sounds good fun to me.
I think it should have it's own thread though, with no comments in between, or the story could end up very disjointed.....
Another thread could be started to run parallel for comments....

A romantic comedy, of today, sounds like fun.....

I am sure all us girlies could come up with something very humerous and pertinent, if our tales of woe posted on this forum are anything to go by....

And as i am the only one on line at the moment...how about i start???

Any objections from anyone???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: TheFlock on March 17, 2008, 10:21:26 AM
okay - I added a bit.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 17, 2008, 10:23:12 AM
Well done....
I will start a comments thread.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 17, 2008, 10:39:24 AM
I'm in .. but I started writing before I read the instructions. I might have to review.

Great rules! No problem, guys.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 18, 2008, 09:08:08 AM
Apple Strudel

Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. Then, suddenly, he slipped
into a coma, and everyone feared the worst. The family is called.
The son from Miami. The daughter from Bridgewater. The aunts. The
uncles. All sit waiting for the end.

Suddenly a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly he motions for
his son to approach so he can hear talk to him.

Moishe is weak form illness and so his voice is very faint as he
says, "I've been ill?"

"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "Very
ill."

Papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death
when I suddenly smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel.
I love that strudel. As wonderful a cook as my Sadie is, that
strudel is her masterpiece. "

He lays back against the pillow, weak after exerting himself by
speaking.

"What a wonderful dream, papa. But the smell is real. Mama just
took the strudel out of the oven to cool."

"A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls
against the pillows. He turns to his son and says, "I'm still too
weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a piece of my
Sadie's strudel."

The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his
father's request...only to return a few moments later empty
handed!

He sits again by his father's side. Moishe looks at him and says,
"Nu? So...where is mein strudel?"

"I'm sorry, papa." replies his son, "But Mama says it's for AFTER
the funeral!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 18, 2008, 09:35:55 AM

I cannot claim this as my own.....I wish I could !



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Micra in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh#t too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh#t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 18, 2008, 07:52:14 PM
Fantastic.....
I loved it....the tears are streaming ...my ribs are sore...and that is as much exefcise as i can manage today.
Bobbi will be the only one who won't understand what all the fuss is about....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 18, 2008, 07:56:34 PM
Always good to start the day with sore ribs!  Thanks, Binks!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 18, 2008, 08:41:00 PM
Yeah! What's with the personal attack on poor Belinda? Poor woman's only trying to do her job  >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 18, 2008, 09:00:01 PM
I hate to say i told you so girls....but...
I told you so......
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 18, 2008, 09:06:01 PM
You're all being mean to her...

Seriously, reminds me of the man down at the local Vibratrain studio (called PowerPlate in some parts of the world). I hate him the sadist! Who would think that a mode of exercise that takes only 15 minutes a day could be so incredibly unpleasant? Can't wait for my subscription to expire. Definitely enough to put anyone off exercise for life.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: a non-amos on March 23, 2008, 04:49:04 PM
Here in the U.S. it's still the day before Easter.  The weather was lovely, so my wife and I rode bicycles in the park.

There was a religious group with several young people, some of them dragging crucifixes.

We were surprised to discover that their crucifixes had wheels.

I told my wife that this was only to be expected.  They were cross trainers.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 12:19:31 AM
I love it!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 24, 2008, 03:58:50 AM
 :) I think we can all relate to that Binkie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 08:10:46 AM
Ain't it the truth ? Inside every 60 + year-old, there's a lovely 16 year-old, screaming to be let out again!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 08:11:36 AM
P.S Not that I was ever considered lovely, even at 16.  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 09:22:06 AM
From a cute kid I became a not-unpleasing adult; however, as time has marched on and as a grandma, I can only hope that I will be revered for my advanced age, because it certainly won't be for beauty!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 24, 2008, 11:52:43 AM
Beauty comes from within threeb.....in which case you are a stunner...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 12:41:50 PM
You always find the best things to say, T......wish I'd thought of it first!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 24, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
it's nice to have inner beauty, but gee, it would be nice to have it on the outside too!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 01:13:16 PM
Ah, but Birdy, I am firmly convinced that those of us not blessed with drop-dead-gorgeous looks, work much harder at our other attributes.
We don't expect people to flock to us, and so we become nicer, funnier, more compassionate and if I say it enough times I might actually believe it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on March 24, 2008, 01:29:30 PM
I do admit that when my nieces were little, I rather hoped that they would not be the prettiest kids in their high school class, since I think that's when the dangers of "prettiness" are worst.  Luckily they were attractive without being movie-starish.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 09:34:49 PM

Five historical blog posts    (From Merlin's Lists of 5 Things)

 1   Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets - reg req.)

 2   HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day

 3   Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)

 4   I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros

 5   BOOBIES - Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 09:40:03 PM
Thank you T for such a lovely thought --really appreciated that. You made my day!

Yes, binks, you're right about developing those other attributes that go so much beyond the physical exterior, and in the long run, what really counts in life!

Plus I love the list, kiddo!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 10:40:10 PM

In that case....here's another one.

  Literary TV Programs Yet to Be Produced.

     BY CHRISTIAN CLARKE



   The Byronic Woman

   Sanford, Dombey, and Son

   Everybody Loves Raymond Carver

   Murder, She Wrote ... and Then Workshopped

   Welcome Back, Kafka

   My Three Puns

   Different Tropes

   The Rockford Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

   Jake Barnes and the Fat Man

   Perfect Stranger (starring Albert Camus)

   The Odd Couple (starring Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald)

   The King of Queens (starring Oscar Wilde)




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 10:49:19 PM
Here's some more, then...

From the hilarious ---

Senior Dating

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she
seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"




... to the sublime!

Grandmas And Grandpas

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
-- Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and
they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure.
-- Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls.
-- Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
-- Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the
television.
-- Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren.
-- Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a
mother...the next you are all-wise and prehistoric.
-- Pam Brown

Grandmother always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete.
-- Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
-- Author unknown

Grandmothers hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever.
-- Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first.
-- Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
-- Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no
fun for old people like it!
-- Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother that's why the
world calls her grandmother.
-- Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.
-- Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it
to your grandmother.
-- Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.
-- Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
-- Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense.
-- Gene Perret

Grandmother- grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are
short on criticism and long on love.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grand-
parents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little
children.
-- Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice.
-- Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
-- Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby
around the finger of a grandfather.
-- Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
-- Author Unknown

If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,'
you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grand-
children.
-- Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children And if they can but
see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature
at a faster rate.
-- Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that
he's married to a grandmother.
-- G. Norman Collie

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-- H.M. Warner on talking pictures, circa 1927

<><><><><><> <><><><>< ><><><><> <><><><>< ><><>
I have finally found the key to happiness. Unfortunately fate had
the locks changed.

Bill Stebbins
Live well, Laugh often, Love much...
http://www.people. cornell.edu/ pages/bs16
To subscribe: http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/lwlolm? yguid=1093881

__._,_.___
Messages in this topic (1) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic
Messages
Yahoo! Groups
Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)
Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional
Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe
Visit Your Group
Y! Entertainment

World of Star Wars

Rediscover the force.

Explore now.
How-To Zone

on Yahoo! Groups

Find garden, home

& auto groups.
Popular Y! Groups

Is your group one?

Check it out and

see.
.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 24, 2008, 11:32:04 PM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


   

   Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing.

   BY STEVE FINBOW

- - - -

   Dangerous Lions
   Aging Bull
   Who Framed Roger Rabbi
   The Last of the Ians
   Five Easy Pies
   Brie Encounter
   Who's Afraid of Gin?
   Passion of the Chris
   A Streetcar Named Des
   The Earless Vampire Killers
   L.A. Dental
   My Brilliant Car

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 11:35:47 PM
Brilliant, binks!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 24, 2008, 11:37:30 PM
Speaking of getting older ...

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist,
as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman
in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.

"Arthritis with complications? " she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No...," she explained, "Do-it-yourself
with concrete blocks."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 06:48:56 AM
I need new glasses...i read that last line as 'Do-it-yourself kick in the bollocks'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 11:19:00 AM
Which is actually even funnier!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 03:05:22 PM
This is a day or so late, but it really quacked me up!

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth
of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,
tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"



The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the
eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of
thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He
was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside
so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 03:07:21 PM
... as did this one --

New Virus

WARNING!!! There's a new virus on the prowl!!! Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior
to 1960.

SYMPTOMS:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND".

So be on the lookout for it, it's called the C-NILE virus.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 07:55:44 PM
I have been infected with that virus for some time now threeb...no matter how many anti-depressants anti-biologics glasses of wine i drink i am still affected...

The Easter joke was funny....and very 'by-the-way' on a tangent i watched Mel Gibsons The Passion of the Christ' last night.
Have you seen it? What did you think? I have watched it before, and found myself changing channels at various times so as not to watch it.... I'm interested to know others' opinions, because it was very contraversial when it first came out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 08:11:30 PM
Haven't seen it, mate ... not my cup of char!

Did watch a fascinating programme the other night about the Shroud of Turin and how the carbon dating may have been inaccurate (as I always suspected ... 'cos I know about these things ... as if!! ... but I do hope they're right).

Other than that not seen a great lot of TV over Easter ... apart from Corrie and even been gripped by EastEnders lately ... oh, and I did watch Toy Story 2 ...  :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 08:14:20 PM
You live on the edge mate!!!

I watched some of the 'Shroud' programme too...unfortunately so did my Mum, so we were regaled with her opinion about it over lunch on Sunday....

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:14:46 PM
The Passion of the Christ was unbelievable -- so hard to watch, but then, so was the real thing!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:15:39 PM
Didn't realize you were that old, threeb!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:16:22 PM
Remarkably well-preserved!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:19:59 PM
Like a fossil!!  Sorry!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:22:12 PM
I have to say threeb i felt physically sick watching some of it, most of it in fact. It was the most painfully realistic graphic thing i have ever seen in my life. I would have had to walk out if i had watched it at the cinema.

Amazing film...but as i said, i had to change channels last night when the scourging scene was on...i just could not watch it again. The film finished at 1 am...it was hours before i could go to sleep, because it was all i could see when i shut my eyes....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 25, 2008, 10:25:52 PM
It was meant to evoke that response, T, as I'm sure you understand. And, I do empathise with your reaction. It takes a strong stomach to sit through it.

It's one thing when fiction is violent, but quite another to realize that what was portrayed actually happened. The ancients were very cruel -- much as humanity is today. Just very hard to see it laid out in graphic detail.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:36:15 PM
Lots of people like watching gory movies...and i used to...but that was something else..

Completely different...

Schindlers List had the same kind of effect on me too....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:39:15 PM
I can't watch anything more gory than Brief Encounter!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:44:46 PM
...and you call me a soft southener??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:45:59 PM
Yes, I do!  At least I don't moan about the cold weather, softy!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 10:50:05 PM
I'm a lizard...what can i tell you. I need a hot rock to lie on to get my blood flowing...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 10:53:32 PM
Suppose that makes me a Polar bear?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:26:06 PM
My very favourite animal in the whole widey worldy....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:27:17 PM
V. cool!  My favourite aminal has got to be the tiger.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:29:55 PM
...and another
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:31:08 PM
T I GG ur....
I like them too...but they aren't as snuggly as 'olops'....i've got one called Gregory.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:32:45 PM
These would give 'Strictly come dancing' a run for their money...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:33:04 PM
I wonder what roberts' fave aminal is?  Rat?  Slug?  Stag beetle?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 25, 2008, 11:40:50 PM
birds     >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:41:36 PM
One of these maybe?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:42:08 PM
..oops...
2 then!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:43:35 PM
How dare you write the b word?!  Trying to frighten me into submission?!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 25, 2008, 11:44:45 PM
whatever it takes
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:45:18 PM
If  'B's are his favourite then they would have to be;
A fine pair of them  i must say...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:45:57 PM
They are blue footed boobies if you want to know...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:46:10 PM
I'm beginning to weaken .... I must resist, I must resist .....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 25, 2008, 11:47:43 PM
This one might help you get back on track LL...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 25, 2008, 11:50:49 PM
Absolutely beautiful!  Better than a pair of blue boobies any day!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: roberts on March 26, 2008, 12:01:10 AM
...arh yes, boobies...goodnight girls    ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 26, 2008, 12:03:16 AM
Nighty, night ... sweet dreams!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 27, 2008, 09:54:43 PM
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 27, 2008, 10:01:27 PM
Blimey!  I can go for hours without going, if you see what I mean!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 27, 2008, 10:53:09 PM
I challenge you to watch the entire three-part Lord of the Rings series without "going"!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 27, 2008, 11:08:32 PM
Why would I want to accept such a challenge, mate?  Do I get a prize?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:00:18 AM
Sorry... as if  -- but you'd get bragging rights!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 12:03:48 AM
One thing I have never bragged about is the capacity of my bladder!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:15:04 AM
Well, now I'm confused -- would you refer back to your reply five posts earlier. 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 12:18:19 AM
Hardly bragging ... just stating a fact!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 28, 2008, 12:50:13 AM
All-righty then, here's something to make you laugh when you get out of your shower (which roberts is now dreaming about ....)

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have
room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in
the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert
for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one
evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded
down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the
door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an
unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes
later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping
us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are
considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was
another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood
the pig and the cow.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on March 28, 2008, 03:04:40 AM
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 28, 2008, 03:27:34 PM
Last week it was gym bunnies. Now you're being mean to lawyers  ;D Is nobody sacred?  :D :D

I'm training to be an OT - must look for some jokes that take the mickey out of them.

Okay, found one:
Q: How many Occupational Therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. We’d teach the lightbulb to change itself.

Not that funny, but it's the only one I could find. Seems there's not a lot of humour regarding this profession.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 28, 2008, 04:14:54 PM
I agree, Bobbi.......I've tried!  Oh, rats! I found a vaguely amusing picture, and saved it, but He Who Thinks He Rules The Roost recently rejuvenated my computer and installed Windows Vista instead of Windows XP . Now I can't find a thing. (Could this be the start of a sinister plot ?)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on March 28, 2008, 07:06:45 PM
nah, it was a crap cartoon anyway and deserved to be lost in the ether...

but thanks for trying anyway binks  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on March 28, 2008, 07:31:44 PM
I do my best!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 31, 2008, 11:03:02 AM
You might have one of these in your yard -- or know someone who does!

A tree swing --
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on March 31, 2008, 11:22:05 AM
Comfy looking...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on March 31, 2008, 10:18:03 PM
This is only for those who have experienced an unfortunate marriage/liaison. For the happily married, you won't need the reverse/perverse version ...


"Marriage...Strike That, Reverse It..."

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 02, 2008, 07:22:25 AM
Here's one for Kitteh, not going to bother with the lolcat traslation, I leave that to you Kitteh  :)

I can't respond to any emails today, something's crashed on my computer...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 02, 2008, 11:54:52 AM
A thought for all my mature friends.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 03, 2008, 04:42:00 AM
When you say 'mature' binx i assume you are refering to age only??!!??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 03, 2008, 09:14:12 AM
Well, duh!, T, considering who she's addressing that cartoon to!  I'm sure that most of us are immature enough to warrant the term "youthful" forever.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 03, 2008, 07:10:09 PM
I was just checking....
I don't want anybody under the misapprehension that i am mature, other than in age.... I have a reputation [at least 1 - Shut it Linda!!!] to uphold...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 04, 2008, 01:29:29 AM
don't worry - I don't think anyone will make that mistake about most of us.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2008, 01:38:46 AM
Thank goodness for that!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 04, 2008, 02:05:59 AM
PARENT - Job Description

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
- Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
- Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call.
- Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
- Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

- The rest of your life.
- Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5.
- Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
- Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf.
- Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.
- Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
- Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
- Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next.
- Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
- Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
- Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of
the end product.
- Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

- None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

- None required, unfortunately.
- On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

- Get this! You pay them!
- Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
- A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.
- When you die, you give them whatever is left.
- The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

- No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options.
- However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life
if you play your cards right.

[from John Earl]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 04, 2008, 02:09:19 AM
good one.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 04, 2008, 02:11:26 AM
I have printed that off, and i will give a copy to each of the girls next time they ask to see the job description i keep telling them i am working to....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 06, 2008, 04:22:42 AM

stress management

 
*/* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue./*

*/ /**/* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them./*
*//*

*/* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.  /*
*//*

*/* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker./*
*//*

*/* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague./*
*//*

*/* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it./*
*//*

*/* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others. /*
*//*

*/* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on. /*
*//*

*/* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance./*
*//*

*/* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late./*
*//*

*/* The second mouse gets the cheese./*
*//*

*/* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. /*
*//*

*/* Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live./*
*//*

*/* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person./*
*//*

*/* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once./*
*//*

*/* We could learn a lot from crayons.../**/ /**/Some are sharp, some
are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are
different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. /*

*/*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour./*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:42:03 AM

25 Creative Ways to Say That Someone is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

A few beers short of a six-pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top

Forgot to pay his brain bill

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full package

Too much yardage between the goal posts

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:58:56 AM
On a statistical note............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 11:59:56 AM
and to continue..................
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 06, 2008, 12:01:55 PM

Signs You Have a Hangover

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 07, 2008, 06:03:42 AM
Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule one: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup -- a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.


And I mean it



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 07, 2008, 11:28:53 PM
3 Days Later

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still some-
what scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John
finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter!
I've got some good news and some bad news."

Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John.
What is it? What's the good news?"

John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."

Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"

John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last
Friday."


Four Rabbis

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they
are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day.

As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved
across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.

"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form
on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show
that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to
form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree
on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural
causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as
he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,
and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT! "

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 07:13:51 AM

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. on a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. one word: Flatulence!
15. on the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 08, 2008, 07:19:48 AM
Have you been spying on me again Binx?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 08:18:15 AM
Oh, T........I wasn't going to tell anyone that you are my inspiration!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 08, 2008, 08:21:30 AM
and now for something completely different.........

For those of us who love split-level homes, but are not quite financial enough to afford one  -
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 08, 2008, 06:13:42 PM
Is that a posher version of trailer trash....???

Who decides who lives in the penthouse i wonder???

Fab picture...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:28:17 AM


                      Classic Quotations

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything"
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.


"The internet is a great way to get on the net"
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate


"You guys, line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach


"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada"
- Britney Spears, on Blender Magazine (April 2004)


"I think war is a dangerous place"
- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)


"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
- Greg Norman, Golfer


"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something"
- Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college


"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself"
- Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal


"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up"
- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player


"I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid"
- Paris Hilton (December 2003)


"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff"
- Mariah Carey, pop singer


"Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future"
- Yogi Berra, Baseball player


"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt"
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President


"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight"
- George Gobel


"And now the sequence of events in no particular order"
- Dan Rather, television news anchor


"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods"
- George W Bush, Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000


"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing"
- Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.


"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
- Frank Bruno, Boxer


"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them"
- George Bush

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first"
- George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season


"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding"
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons


"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein"
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst


"Half this game is ninety percent mental"
- Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager


"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it"
- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant.


"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them"
- Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties


"They misunderestimated me"
- George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., (Nov. 6, 2000)


"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to"
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel


"Facts are stupid things"
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"That's just the tip of the ice cube"
- Neil Hamilton, BBC2


"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man"
- Samuel Goldwyn


"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid"
- Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer


"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush"
- Sylvestor Stallone, Actor


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC


"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
- George W Bush, Concord, New Hampshire, (29th January 2000)


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
- Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister


"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964"
- Roger Daltrey, Singer/Actor



"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees"
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks



"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa"
- Britney Spears


"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding"
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player


"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President


"Put the 'off' button on"
- George W. Bush, Associated Press, 14th February 2000


"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?"
- Michael Barrymore


"Food is an important part of a balanced diet"
- Fran Lebowitz, US writer


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation


"For NASA, space is still a high priority"
- Dan Quayle


"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is"
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer



"If only faces could talk"
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl


"Every minute was more exciting than the next"
- Linda Evans, actress


"I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas"
- Jessica Simpson
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:31:10 AM


                      Helpful Thoughts For The Day

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like... night.

3. on the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 09, 2008, 07:43:55 AM
Dan Quale must have had a frontal lobotomy....what is his excuse?!?

really funny Binks..thanks for those...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 09, 2008, 07:59:38 AM
My apologies to all American forumites for the fact that the quotations are almost all from your countrymen!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 09, 2008, 11:48:32 AM
S'aright ... we've heard em all before ... over, and over, and over. ... but they're still funny!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 10, 2008, 01:47:30 AM
Breaking Up In College
(when sharing the same major)

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to
dig it up.

THEATRE
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come
down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an
end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"

BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together,
and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other
party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 10, 2008, 02:34:21 AM
a quick and visual laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 10, 2008, 11:52:09 AM
Birdy, here is the one I was reminded of when you suggested I pit the Suitor again the Bully Neighbour.  Enjoy

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!  Don't take that bad day out on
someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!



I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!  I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there  on my desk.  I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea.  I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it.  Just dial 823-4863.

 [Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.  All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure a lot of Assholes in this world.  I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his  car.  I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an
asshole!"  (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a
problem, I had two assholes to call.
 Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some  serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial

 Asshole #1.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.  The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."  He said, "Stop calling me."  I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"  I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
 "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your  prayers."
  "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Asshole!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home.  Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to  watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

{{Names withheld to protect the guilty.}}
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 10, 2008, 01:28:26 PM
I've seen this before - several times - and each time read it through and appreciated it.  So maybe my suggestion was inspired by it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 11, 2008, 04:05:48 AM
I am pleased to say that i don't know anyone that i would like to do that to...but there's plenty of time yet, and will bear it in mind for the future...Thanks..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 12, 2008, 08:24:49 AM
                                            Titanic
                                Directed by James Cameron
                                            1997


                         Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard

 

Leonardo DiCaprio

"Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun. "


Kate Winslet

"You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle. "


(The ship SINKS.)

Leonardo DiCaprio

"Never let go. "


Kate Winslet

"I promise." (lets go)




Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 13, 2008, 11:12:38 AM
If At First You Don't Succeed...

...Blame central management.

...Change the rules.

...Do it the way your wife told you to.

...Delegate and make it someone else's problem.

...Destroy all evidence that you tried.

...Failure could be your style.

...Go postal and shoot the crap outta everything.

...Have a scapegoat handy.

...It must be someone else's fault. Find them. Blame them.
Make them pay.

...Keep a separate ledger.

...Lower your standards.

...So much for hang-gliding.

...You will never succeed.

...You are probably not related to the manager.

...See if the loser gets anything.

...Get subsidized.

...try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields

...failure may be your thing.
-- George Burns

...look in the trash for the instructions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 13, 2008, 11:23:48 AM
Not a perfect world...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 13, 2008, 12:35:11 PM
                                                             

                                                               Songs of
                                                           the Beach Boys
                                                        Adapted as Homeric
                                                      Hymns (Circa 800 B.C.).

                                                       BY ALEXANDER NAZARYAN



                                               Thracian Girls

                                               I Get Around Peloponnesus

                                               I Wasn't Made for These Late-Bronze-Age Times

                                               Zeus Only Knows

                                               Trireme John B

                                               Wouldn't It Be Nice to Die for Mycenae

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 14, 2008, 03:30:56 PM
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't
have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the
snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water
just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself,
"Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him.

They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
ended up spending the night together.  At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that
when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering
where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost
there!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 14, 2008, 06:15:26 PM
I bet  a bloke thought that one up!! :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 14, 2008, 07:28:58 PM
Absof**kinglylutely
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 15, 2008, 07:06:27 PM
Ooooh greenone......and I thought you were such a lady!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 07:14:05 AM
Just came across this on a blog about the English language, and it appealed mightily.........

“The English language is a thug. It follows other languages into dark alleyways, knocks them out and rifles through their pockets for spare grammar”
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 16, 2008, 07:36:34 AM
A momentary lapse is my normal perfect behaviour  :angel:  :angel:

This has probably been around the tracks, but is still enjoyable.

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of both be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up
speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present
the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For
example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be
tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There
is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a
humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking
English should be committed to an ; asylum for the
verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a
slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 16, 2008, 07:43:43 AM
No wonder i get a headache every time i try and write more than a post [not the stick it in the ground type- nor do i mean glue when i write stick],
It is confusing G1, which [not the pointy hat sort] is why it is claimed that English is the hardest language to learn...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:02:49 AM
Seraph......seraphim

why not paragraph.....paragraphim ?
           
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:30:49 AM

                              How To Deal With Telemarketers.



1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 16, 2008, 08:39:30 AM
 From an online discussion about annoying phrases and signs......

"I reckon the silliest things are those yellow ‘baby on board’ signs people put in their car windows. So, somebody has a baby on board. What am I supposed to do about it? Drive quietly? Make faces at their baby as I drive past? "


Beezkneez replied to Tim
Fri 11 Apr 08 (02:29pm)

"Baby on board means if you are out of control and about to crash into someone, aim for the school bus in the next lane instead."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 16, 2008, 09:21:22 PM
The College Dictionary

ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class
record.

ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you
mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."

ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until
you find out what it REALLY involves.

BIOLOGY: (n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

BOOK: (n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to
stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

BOOKBAG: (n) A large container in which students store candy bars,
gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-
yos, sunglasses, student I. D.s, loose change, magazines, &
(occasionally) books.

CAFETERIA: (n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to
wretch").

CAFFEINE: (n) One of the four basic food groups.

CALL: (v) What you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go
over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid
hometown sweetheart.

COACH: (n) A teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new
Corvette.

CUM LAUDE: (v) How students in southern universities call dogs
named "Laude."

D-MINUS: (n) A pretty good grade.

DORM: (n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles
from 8 AM classes.

DORM ROOM: (n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of
incompatible people.

EDUCATION BUDGET: (n) Money you allocate each month for movies and
magazines.

EGGHEAD: 1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets
straight A's.
2) (n) That same student once you've dropped eggs on him
from the roof of the science lab.

EXTRA CREDIT: (n) What you wish you had on your credit card.

F: (n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B" on a
test paper.

JUNIOR VARSITY: (n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody
goes to watch.

KAPPA: (n) What sorority and fraternity members wear on their
headas.

KITCHENETTE: (n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria
kitchen.

KLUTZ: (n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him
to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding.

LAB: (n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the
dead frogs they dissect.

LETTERMEN: (n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter
sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.

LIBERAL ARTS: (n) See: "Would you like fries with that?"

LOUNGE: (n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where
the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is
immediately stolen.

MAJOR: (n) Area of study that no longer interests you.

MIDNIGHT OIL: (n) What you make popcorn in.

MISERY: (n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the
person your roomie fixed you up with because "the two of you are
so much alike."

NICKNAME: (n) Generally, your own name with the suffix "ster"
attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity. e.g.
"Bobster," "Hankster" or "Georgester. "

NO: (n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time
in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test.

NUDE MODELS: (n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.

OFF-CAMPUS PARKING: (n) Ample extra parking usually found in an
adjoining county.

OTHELLO: (n) Unless you're an English major, who really cares?

OUT: (n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs
she belongs to calls with a very important message.

PAPER: (n) Your version of Cliff Notes.

POSTER: (n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making
people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you
never have.

PRE-LAW: (n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.

VICE SQUAD: (n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under
the impression that they were invited to your dorm party.

VENDING MACHINE: (n) A coin operated device for dispensing
breakfast, lunch and dinner.

VICTOR: (n) Your football team's weekly opponent.

VICTORY: (n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN
spell.

WEEKEND: (n) Two day period during which your growling stomach
makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan.

WHIZ KID: (n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people
think.

WALENDAS: (n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join
when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.

WINTER: (n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks
in.

WORK-STUDY: (n) Two things not done by a majority of students.

WRISTWATCH: (n) That device on your arm that lets you know which
class you're currently late for.

X-RAY: (n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria
meatballs up to ten years after they're eaten.

XYLEM: (n) We're not going to tell you this. You should know this.
You took Biology, didn't you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)

YALE: 1) (n) A well-known ivy league university.
2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.

YEARBOOK: (n) A book containing student pictures that will keep
getting nerdier as the years go by.

YESTERDAY: (n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.

YIELD SIGN: (n) Dormitory wall decoration you "purchased" around
3:00 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.

ZEPPELIN: 1) (n) A large blimp.
2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in
one's underwear.

ZERO: (n) The number of times you've gotten to eat most of the
pizza you ordered.

ZOO: (n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.

ZOOLOGY: (n) The study of animal life.
(See: "Frat boys at Homecoming")
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 16, 2008, 10:56:33 PM
I Love the telesalesman ideas Binx, i will try a few out later, i usually get at least one call an evening...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on April 17, 2008, 06:59:49 AM
Had a phone call yesterday from someone who sounded like she was calling from a Call Centre in India and couldn't recall all those tips (must print them out and place beside the phone!).  She started her spiel with "good morning, I am sorry to interrupt you ..." so I cut in and said "well why did you call me?" which threw her off somewhat, however she regained her composure and continued reading from her text.  I kept interrupting and asking her to repeat herself.  She eventually hung up on me.  Victory!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 17, 2008, 07:12:58 AM
Hooray! I have justified my existence !  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 17, 2008, 10:08:06 AM
Glad to know that this forum is just chockablock full of useful advice and hints.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 17, 2008, 08:47:55 PM
Had a ten minute interview with a telemarketer yesterday evening. Her brief was to investigate the TV effectiveness of some home insurance telly ads. Which of course the designer of the survey had buried, somewhat inexpertly in a whole raft of questions about nothing in particular that fooled nobody but took up unwanted extraneous time. But that wasn't the telemarketer's fault, so I made her laugh about it.

My hubby kept reminding me that I was about to be late for choir practice (which made me suspicious that I may be in danger of bumping into his bit on the side should I be late in leaving home).  But I kept good track of the time, and we completed the questionnaire with several seconds to spare. Made sure that I made her laugh more than once. That's my personal telemarketer interaction goal.

Sorry, but I have a problem running down these souls. You have to be pretty desperate for work /wherewithall to pay the rent to take on a ob as a telemarketer. Unless of course you live in Mumbai. In which case it's a foregone conclusion that that's what you do. And probably in the wee hours of your personal day when you should be fast asleep.

If a telemarketer starts trying to hardsell, I am in the fortunate position of telling him/her that I'm a fulltime student with no disposable income. However, if they want to do a survey, then I'm there for them for as long as it takes.

I know this is an unfashionable stance to take, but hey, there for the grace of god go I!!!. If they want money, then bad luck, sorry, can't help this year. But if they want opinions/media awareness, then I'm good to go.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on April 17, 2008, 08:49:35 PM
That sounded a bit preachy, but basically I'm unrepentant.

Put yourself in their shoes...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 17, 2008, 08:54:30 PM
I did telemarketing for years and I do commiserate with their plight. However, I also tried to be considerate of the person on the other end of the line and never was rude or too pushy.

Occasionally I'd be met with some nastiness, but overall, I'd say the experience wasn't too bad, and it afforded me a reasonably comfortable income as well.

However, my biggest problem was at assignments that insisted that I "stick to the script". Being somewhat of a creative soul, I hated being told exactly what to say, so that was hard to do. Most of the time, however, I'd have good enough luck with my own techniques and make the sale, so I didn't get into too much trouble about it. They couldn't argue with success.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 17, 2008, 09:42:24 PM
Why do these people always ring while you're eating your dinner or waiting for an important call?  I'm not rude to them but give them short shrift (what the hell does that mean?!) or, if I hear a crackling line and a foreign voice asking for 'Meeeses Eeevans' I put the phone down ... quickly!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 17, 2008, 10:17:50 PM
They know you'll be home, dear! It's all well-crafted.

What I hate the most is being disturbed by some horrid recorded voice that you can't respond to. They're either overabundantly cheerful or sound so urgent ... but you can never reply one way or the other.

Caller ID really helps! I keep the phone nearby, and then just glance at the number, and save myself a lot of grief.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 18, 2008, 01:35:47 AM
I regret to say that in my extreme youth, I had a summer job making calls looking for people to go collect on their block for the Leukemia Society.  So I'm somewhat sympathetic to people who have to make a living that way.

I am not sympathetic to those who call despite my being on the "Do Not Call" list, but I know politicians have exempted themselves and charities, so I try not to be rude when I get those calls.  I just say, in a quavering voice, "Oh dear, I'm retired now and I really can't afford it."  I really hate the recorded political speeches, though.  I don't even have the pleasure of giving the pol at the other end of the line my opinion of his past performance.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 18, 2008, 08:31:35 PM
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 19, 2008, 01:13:09 AM
Do we have any French forumites? No!!
Oh well eh??
If the French won't buy our cheese we shouldn't buy their letters... ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 19, 2008, 02:33:15 AM
 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 20, 2008, 07:39:30 AM

Truths About Men.






1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.



P.S.  Only joking, guys!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 20, 2008, 08:28:03 AM
And yet, despite all that ... why do they keep us so (pre)occupied?  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 20, 2008, 08:17:51 PM
       
                                      Little Golden Books That Were Rejected



1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 21, 2008, 12:26:42 AM
Customer Service

99.9 percent customer service is good enough, then ...

Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.

22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the
next hour.

1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services
every minute.

12 babies will be given to the wrong parents every day.

268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.

2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the
wrong cover.

5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will
be flat.

Two plane landings every day at O'Hare International will be
unsafe.

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.

291 pacemaker operations will be done incorrectly this year.

950,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
cardholder information on the magnetic strip.

107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of
the day today.

315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the
English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 21, 2008, 05:45:51 PM


  I'm not trying to make the male forumites feel bad, really I'm not. Just couldn't resist this one.........


 

                        THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

 

                        Six married men will be dropped on an island with

                        one car and 3 kids each

                        for six weeks.

 

                        Each kid will play two sports and either take music

                        or dance classes

 

                        There is no fast food.

 

                        Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his

                        assigned house clean,

                        correct all homework, and complete science

                        projects, cook, do laundry, and

                        pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough

                        money.

 

                        In addition, each man will have to budget in money

                        for groceries each week.

 

                        Each man must remember the birthdays of all their

                        friends and relatives.

 

                        Each man must also take each child to a doctor's

                        appointment, a dentist

                        appointment and a haircut appointment.

 

                        He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit

                        per child to Emergency.

 

                        He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social

                        function.

 

                        Each man will be responsible for decorating his own

                        assigned house.

 

                        The men will only have access to television when

                        the kids are asleep and all

                        chores are done.

 

                        The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily,

                        adorn himself with

                        jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

                        keep fingernails polished and

                        eyebrows groomed.

 

                        During one of the six weeks, the men will have to

                        endure severe abdominal

                        cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained

                        mood swings but never once

                        complain or slow down from other duties.

 

                        They must attend weekly school meetings, and find

                        time at least once

                        to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar

                        setting.

 

                        They will need to read a book with the children

                        each night and

                        in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their

                        teeth and comb their hair

                        by 7:00 am.

 

                        A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,

                        and each father will be

                        required to know all of the following information:

                        each child's birthday,

                        height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and

                        doctor's name.

                        Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of

                        birth, and length of

                        labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name,

                        favourite snack,

                        favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy,

                        biggest fear and what they want

                        to be when they grow up.

 

                        The kids vote them off the island based on

                        performance. The last man wins

                        only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate

                        with his spouse at a

                        moment's notice.

 

                        If the last man does win, he can play the game over

                        and over and over again

                        for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the

                        right to be called Mother!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 21, 2008, 08:06:29 PM
Bravo, binks -- that was painfully true -- and there might be some worthy contestants out there.

(Remembering as well the sobering fact that not EVERY biological mother was up to the task, either)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 22, 2008, 11:52:02 AM
Six Truths In Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will tell this to another idiot.
6. There's still a silly smile on your face.

Sorry about this...I was feeling like an idiot and needed company.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 22, 2008, 06:10:45 PM
Have you got CCTV in my office Threeb???  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 22, 2008, 10:12:52 PM
 >:D



(http://skins.hotbar.com/skins/mailskins/em/020105/020105_emMO3.gif)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 24, 2008, 07:37:12 PM

The Five Best Things To Say If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk.





5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."



4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."



3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time."



2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"



AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say "...in Jesus' name. Amen."

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 24, 2008, 07:48:22 PM
 :D  Am gonna give those a try, Binks!  How the  >:D are you?  Haven't spoken in ages and ages.  Still being run ragged by your adorable grandchildren?  Spoiling them with lots of goodies and lashings of ginger beer?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 24, 2008, 09:59:30 PM
Hi, Lovely Linda!  I'm really well, thanks. Yes, still being run ragged and loving every minute of it ! How's everything with you? Are you a barrister yet.......or maybe a QC ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on April 24, 2008, 11:03:33 PM
Not a chance, mate, still just a humble (as if) secretary but that's the way I want it though there is quite a bit more to the job than just secretarial work and I am enjoying doing a bit of super sleuthing!!  Still involved in educational research which requires brain power of a different kind but can do that from home in my (limited) spare time!

Glad you're still having fun with your babies .. hope you're reading Upper Fourth at Mallory Towers to them, not forgetting Swallows and Amazons and the Famous Five!  Jolly super!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 02:18:10 AM
On the subject of frisky elders ...

Married Again

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be getting married again at age 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting, " the newsman said. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what
they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she
answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker
when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in
her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her
80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for
the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 02:20:23 AM
In case you missed this one ... (sorry, LL -- or perhaps, it might help!):

Legal Terms

APPELLATE: Something to feed your hamster.

BAILIFF: Expensive, dried up leaf, used in cooking.

CAPITAL OFFENSE: The way Bush speaks English.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: What your congressman does to you after he's
elected.
CASE: The amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast.

CHAPTER 11: The part where Rhett rips Scarlett's clothes off.

CONTINGENCY FEES: An amount greater than the gross national product
of Panama.

CONTINGENCY FLEAS: Little insects that live on an attorney's dog
and his toupee.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.

HABEAS CORPUS: A rash under the arm pits.

HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.

JURISPRUDENCE: The girl with sweaty hands that always asked you to
dance in high school.

JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't
ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch
TV.

LAW STUDENT: Someone who studied hard, did well on tests...and
couldn't get into medical school.

LAWYER: Misspelling of the word, "Liar."

LEGAL BRIEFS: What Clarence Thomas plays with under his robe.

MALPRACTICE: Shopping till you get it right.

MISDEMEANOR: Your 6th grade teacher.

PERJURY: When a law firm advertises "We're only here to help."

PLEA BARGAIN: A good price on fresh pleas.

PUBIC DEFENDER: Jock strap.

RECESS: 12:00 - 2:00 ... during which time the attorneys climb the
monkey bars and play grab ass with the secretaries.

RESTITUTION: Sleep disorder clinic.

ROE VS WADE: A decision to make when you reach the shore.

SANITY CLAUS: Fake fat guy with sleigh and reindeer.

TRIAL DATE: Someone you'll probably ask out only once.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 10:15:18 PM
What do YOU wear to work? (P. S.: we all know what T wears!!!

Lawyers
- Suit
- Briefs

Electricians
- Shorts

Boxer
- Socks

Golfer
- Tee Shirt

Psychiatrist
- Slip

Painter
- Coat

Fireman
- Hose

Athlete
- Sweater

Burglars
- Sneakers

Mortician
- Underwear

Mob hit man
- Tie

Mob hit man's victim
- Kilt

Dog Trainer
- Lab coat
- Pants

Mailman
- A dress

Politician
- Skirt (with hem)
- flip-flops

Sugar farmer
- Cane

Security guard
- Watch

Telephone operator
- Ring

Policeman
- Collar

Plastic Surgeon
- Tux

Salesman
- Wool Pullover

Gigolos
- Heels

Ex-Spouses
- Spats
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 25, 2008, 10:24:38 PM
Hangman?
-Suspenders!!


There is nothing in there about basques and stockings....so i'm not sure you do know!!  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 25, 2008, 10:55:25 PM
You're making me say it, T, since I can't resist the bait, so I will give you a hint: look under dog trainer ... NOT the lab coat, either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 26, 2008, 12:36:01 AM
I wasn't going to mention my pants again....ever....and now you've made me!!! :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 26, 2008, 10:14:53 AM
Cha-ching!!!!!!!!!!!!

>:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 28, 2008, 09:34:49 PM
Angel's Food vs. Devil's Food...

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on April 28, 2008, 11:44:33 PM
wonderful! - I shall pass that along!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 29, 2008, 07:06:56 AM
                                 
                                    Excuse The Pun

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery



2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative



3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.



4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.



5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.



7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.



9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?



10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.



12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.



14. Without geometry, life is pointless.



15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.



16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.



17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.



18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)



19. A backwards poet writes inverse.



20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.



22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.



23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.



24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.



25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.



26. A lot of money is tainted. T'aint yours, and t'aint mine.



27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.



28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.



29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.



30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.



31. People who jump off a Parisbridge are in Seine .



32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.



33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.



34. Frog slogan: Time's fun when you're having flies.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on April 29, 2008, 08:34:27 AM
I love those...very funny...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on April 30, 2008, 07:18:28 PM


Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
  - Faith Whittlesey
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on April 30, 2008, 08:13:50 PM
That's always been such a great quote!

Here's a few other oldies but goodies, courtesy of the sardonic Mr. Bierce:

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce:

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 02, 2008, 07:45:45 AM

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 02, 2008, 11:36:55 PM
The Parachute Paradigm (Part 1)

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist:
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist:
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just
like this before.

Procrastinator:
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Gambler:
Same as the Procrastinator, but if you lose you offer to play
again, double or nothing.

Bureaucrat:
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names
of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and
gold fillings.

Advertiser:
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer:
You make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist:
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on
how well it worked.

Mathematician:
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work
in all cases.

Philosopher:
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major:
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 05, 2008, 07:15:25 PM
 
                A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

                "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 05, 2008, 08:42:06 PM
Oh that's clever!javascript:void(0);
Grin
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 05, 2008, 10:25:31 PM
A Fable Of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only
10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
20-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20,
the 40 the cow gave back, the 20 the monkey gave back, and the 10
the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 07, 2008, 07:22:10 AM

Most of Australia's populace think it improper to spank children. The other day I was talking to one of my younger friends about methods used to discipline children.
We talked about 'time outs,' grounding, holding back 'rewards' until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and I explained that no, I do not spank any of my children.

I explained that what I do is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. I said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case my son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the families concept of acceptable behavior.

I will provide a picture of the process which I share with you now
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 07, 2008, 07:26:53 AM
SUBJECT: TOOL DEFINITION

I have more than a passing familiarity with common precision tools. When I got the information below, I immediately recognized it as being amazingly accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh!t!”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X2: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in boltholes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 07, 2008, 07:28:08 AM
Now that is my kind of treatment...a concept i fully understand....
I am pleased to read that i am not the only one who favours this method.
I also find dangling them by their feet over the edge of the multi storey works a treat...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 07, 2008, 07:29:19 AM
...and that is my tool kit to a 'T'...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 01:06:01 PM
Marryin' Stuff

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a
lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands,it' s no wonder
that brides often blush.

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
never the present.

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the
washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna
work.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest
is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make
bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking
orders.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 07, 2008, 09:01:26 PM
Now why the hell did I never think of that when mine were small Binkie?  I love it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 10:12:12 PM
Humor Banned on the Net
For Immediate Release
Washington DC April 11

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related
to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous
or amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the
Internet, bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic
communications. "

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have
confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those
who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humor on
Internet newsgroups."

Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no place in cyberspace;
that is reserved for politicians in Washington. Those clowns have
the audacity to think they have some sort of right to freedom of
speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be returned to
the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized the
military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read
anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special
forces squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation
NoJoke,' throughout the day.

General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete' operations,
admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as the next
guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with computers.
So, we've got a job to do."

The General added, "This is sure a hellofa lot easier than trying
to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of computer geeks;
like shooting fish in a barrel. We've developed 'Smart Oriented
Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers;
got the idea from the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail,
their modem explodes, taking out the system, and hopefully the
user. Neat, clean and untraceable. "

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and
military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially
hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to
surface.

Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been able to
avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice before
it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet!

If someone tries to tell you a joke, just say NO.

If someone asks you "Why did the chicken cross the road?", reply
that you don't know -- it's a trick question.

Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups.

Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer.

Remember, there may be an SOB with your name on it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 07, 2008, 10:43:05 PM
LOL! Do you think we could all be in the same gaol cell or corner of hellish fire?  Don't somehow think we're destined for clouds and harps!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 07, 2008, 10:56:34 PM
burn, baby, burn!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 04:11:43 AM
..disco inferno... :-V
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 08, 2008, 06:07:46 AM
Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.  I was crying by the end.   
 This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
   
 Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
 Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
   
 Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
   
   
 Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
   
   
 CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
   
 CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
 Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
   
 CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
 Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
 Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
   
 CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
 Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ...  just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
   
 CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
 Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wo nder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
   
 CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
 Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
 Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
   
 CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment!  **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mou th. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
   
 CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
 Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
 Judge # 3 - No Report
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 06:19:35 AM
That's very funny...
I remember my Grandad in Italy, and all his mates had a chilli eating competition every year at harvest time...to see whose were the hottest and who ould eat the most...

It was so distressing to watch....they drank home made wine instead of beer...

The next 2 or 3 days it was agony to watch them try and walk normally..
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 08, 2008, 06:27:46 AM
Oh, Birdy...........I really was crying with laughter by the end.............thankyou!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 08, 2008, 06:29:30 AM
I really sympathized with the poor guy - I'm allergic to hot foods - break out in hives, so I've never developed a tolerance.  I do know enough not to drink water after I've had some.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 08, 2008, 06:48:52 AM
perhaps not appropriate seeing as we have so many Aus buddies, but it sure make a change from all the sheep jokes we Kiwis are subjected to...

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.   After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.  She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other..  So, they end up getting married.  On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.  All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
'What happened?' she asks.
'I've never been with a woman' he says,  'But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 08, 2008, 08:12:20 AM
That's a good one bobbi...my kind of humour...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 08, 2008, 10:08:11 AM
Both the Chili story (being from Texas, I can CERTAINLY relate to that one), and the virgin were both hilarious! Thanks for those gems, mates!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 08, 2008, 05:14:52 PM
Birdy, I'm sitting here with spec so smeared I couldn't see much even if my eyes weren't streaming, my nose is totally stuffed and if I hadn't been alone here my sons would have thought the old gal had finally lost it as my whoops  and howls of laughter rang out!  That was hilarious!

The virgin was good too Bobbi!  Thanks.  Amazing how a good laugh makes the day seem possible.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 08:35:18 AM
 

School 1960 vs. School 2008


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1960 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 08:40:01 AM
The shame of that is, apart from being funny...it's not funny, because it all oh! so true...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 08:53:01 AM
Had this a while ago now and I thought the same as you T...so, so very true! (at least for those of us that can remember way back then!)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:05:03 AM
Had a feeling you'd have come across it before (Oh Lor, it wasn't in this forum was it ? Should do some checking before I post !) but yes, it's horribly close to the truth here in Australia too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 09:06:40 AM
No, I got it as an email  :P
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:09:17 AM
Phew !     :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 09:12:38 AM
The world has gone PC crazy...
Is there no common sense left anywhere anymore??

It's no wonder kids are like they are [some of them anyway]...
A few more good hidings wouldn't go amiss..not that i advocate violence you understand!?


Excuse me a minute...i have just been interupted by a pewking child that needs a thorough beating for being so rude...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 09, 2008, 09:15:36 AM
So inconsiderate of her...send her back to the shed!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 09:19:56 AM
Gone in 60 seconds with a think ear to boot....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 09:51:03 AM
Is that like a cauliflower ear, but with more brains ?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 09, 2008, 10:51:31 AM
Sorry I'm so late responding, binks but that was eerily too true ... man, how the world has changed, with  over-zealots ruining things for everyday common sense!!!!  >:(
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 09, 2008, 02:08:41 PM
This may strike a chord with my fellow Aussies, and mystify everyone else......


You know you’re Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word ‘girt’.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’.

10. You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’.

11. You believe the ‘l’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional.

12. You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.’

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’.

15. You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’.

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘u’.

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite.

30. You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’.

32. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’.

35. You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’.

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

(from The Sydney Morning Herald , Australia Day, Jan 26, 2008).


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 09, 2008, 04:28:57 PM
I think anyone of us who are teachers are living the school vs school scenario!  Tragic, isn't it.  I'm forwarding it to my school (from before I retired).  It's a Boys' School and it will ring so true.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 09, 2008, 08:43:33 PM
Hey, binks -- #31 sounds suspiciously like someone from da Bronx!!!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 09, 2008, 10:29:21 PM
What a cultural continent you are Binx....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 10, 2008, 12:12:35 PM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke –Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive


So the Minister asked the congregation
What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
 
 That pretty much ended the service.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 10, 2008, 12:38:26 PM
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk she takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly

'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 10, 2008, 04:07:26 PM
Ha ha!  Love it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 10, 2008, 08:29:55 PM
Love both jokes, bobbi -- thanks, mate!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 10, 2008, 09:19:05 PM
very funny...
i want some.....nude flashers that is....i wonder if they sell them in asda...buy one get one free....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 11, 2008, 12:50:19 AM
Thanks for that, T....my tea is now all over the keyboard!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 11, 2008, 05:47:45 AM
Loved the emergency flashers!  Off to forward the joke on to others who will surely appreciate it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 11, 2008, 12:51:39 PM
Understanding Corporate Speak

Essentially complete:
It's half done.

We predict:
We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the
people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper:
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems:
It'll take a miracle

Basic agreement has been reached:
They won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified:
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our
conclusions.

Task force to review:
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been
loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time:
Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements:
See previous answer.

Not well understood:
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it
anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention:
Totally out of control!

Results are promising:
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 11, 2008, 04:13:29 PM
The following is rather long, but worth it, in my humble opinion. It's a restaurant review by A.A Gill, who writes for The Times. I read his columns religiously, simply becuase he makes me laugh !



It’s not often that I come across a completely new ingredient on the menu. When Japanese and southeast Asian food became the must-have fantabulosa handbags to the mouths of the 1990s, the lists were full of gubbins that sounded like a Cambodian war memorial, and you just had to take it on trust that you weren’t being fed fermented monk-toe jam.

Although we are the only creatures that crave epicurean variety, we eat a cravenly small percentage of the biology available: 90% of our diet consists of a handful of grasses – wheat, rice, corn, millet, barley; a clutch of fat, stupid animals; half a dozen fruits; a few brassicas and roots; a nut; and that is about it. Except for fish: we are voracious about fish. But that is only because we can’t see what we are catching and they all taste the same. The variation in our diet is made up of mixing and matching ingredients, creating small but telling descants.

So, when I found an unknown leaf in my soup at the newly refurbished Launceston Place, I wanted to know whether it had fallen off the table decorations, been regurgitated by a pigeon or was indeed some fresh ingredient. I gave it to a waiter and asked, what’s this? He managed to slam his teeth shut before replying: “It’s a f***ing leaf, you spoilt, annoying, sanctimonious, patronising turd. Don’t you think cleaning up after you is humiliating and tedious enough without having to be Monty Don as well?” Instead, he said: “I’ll go and ask, shall I?” Ten minutes later, a supervisor woman came and brightly informed us that the “herb” was pennywort. Pennywort? Wasn’t Pennywort one of Titania’s little helpers? Isn’t it a constituent part of poultices for sweat-plagued buboes? Isn’t a nosegay of pennywort a deterrent for itinerant succubi?

“Nice, isn’t it?” she added. “Sort of citrussy.”

“Citrussy” is that catch-all description for all strange greens, just as “a bit like chicken” is the international description for all weird meat. I have had a bit of a dig around the pennywort: it sounds so wholesome, so cottagey. But, holy moly – it’s a triffid’s uglier brother. It’s the devil’s armpit hair. As we speak, there are weeping lobbyists desperate to get parliament to ban the stuff. Hydrocotyle ranunculodies was virtually unknown here before 1991, when it was introduced from its native North America as an ornamental hanging-basket plant. Nothing good or wholesome has ever come from a hanging basket. Hanging is too good for them.

Since then, it has escaped to the waterways and rivers of fair Albion, where it forms dense mats that kill everything that falls through it, including a number of gypsy children and a rowing eight. It has already colonised Central and South America and is causing havoc in Australia. Then again, doesn’t everything? The hideous truth about the oh-so-innocent-looking pennywort is that it can double its biomass every three days. That’s terrifying. By my calculations, if I hadn’t eaten it, it would have eaten me before pudding, and it will choke Venice and be halfway up St Paul’s by next Bonfire Night. Now, eating the stuff poses an ethical problem to the committed, green, healthy-option, organic restaurant: is consuming a biobully an inventive, Gandhiish way of dealing with it, transubstantiating evil into rotund stools? Or is making it an ingredient elevating its status to health-food crop and, therefore, protecting it? The answer lies on the tip of my tongue. It doesn’t taste citrussy; it tastes like licking the walls of a goldfish bowl. Nuke the bastard.

This may be the third or fourth time I have made a professional visit to Launceston Place. It is the quintessential Kensington restaurant. It was opened by a dashing pair of plausible and charming sloanes who served simple, sophisticated good food to locals. As the years went by, inevitably, the quality collapsed. It got bought and sold and half-heartedly made over. It survived on the loyalty of people whose legs were too wobbly to walk much further and who thought it was impolite or gay to notice what is on the end of their fork. Now it has had the complete Conran from Conran’s restaurant group, which is now not called Conran, and the new chef comes from the gastro-Parnassus of Pétrus.

I went with the Blonde and my two big kids. The dark, rambling rooms have been made darker, the lighting has been improved – ie, made darker – and there are some emptily moody, German boutique-hotel landscapes nailed to the walls. The tables have grown another layer of napery; there are preplate plates; and the wine waiter has a bunch-of-grapes brooch on his dinner jacket, just so you know he’s not a plate-stacker. I think all professions should do this, except gynaecologists. This is a restaurant that wants to be taken seriously by the sort of people who take restaurants seriously.

I started with nettle soup, a clump of pondweed, including the hegemonic pennywort, and a blob of horseradish sorbet. Actually, I didn’t start with that – I started with a complimentary shot glass of insemination-temperature cauliflower soup, with a cold cream cappuccino top and a grey, slimy nose-blow of truffle oil as a garnish. You can sip it like espresso, the waiter said helpfully. Liquidised cauliflower tastes like fat boy’s farts. Effluent cauliflower with added truffle oil tastes like corpse bloat. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it and I don’t care to be quizzed about why I didn’t enjoy it. The soup was better: it was nice to have something seasonal, and I like the thought of naked, whimpering Polish children being forced into East Anglian hedgerows to collect the nettles. In the end, it is just green soup, with all the do-goody, bovine credentials of wild greenness.

Next, my milk-fed lamb was three squiggly, munchkin bits of nascent sheep. You rarely get this in England, and I can’t think why – the place is lousy with the sodden, limping, maggoty things, with farmers always complaining that they can’t give them away at car-boot sales. The Easter milk-fed lamb has a serious premium. A drunk man with a stocking on his head has to grab the teeny-weeny, gambolling, gamine-eyed, plaintively bleating baby from its mother’s nipple, then shoot it in the face with a nail gun while mumsy runs in circles. I can’t imagine why you can’t get it at Tesco, or why Hugh isn’t encouraging us all to do it in our back gardens. It is utterly delicious and worth every soft, sentimental bleat. The chops are the size of shillings and the meat is sweet and giving, with the texture of warm silk camiknickers. But the dish I got, with its three parts, each like a brown Swiss postage stamp, all cooked differently, was a doll’s-house dinner – cleverly made, but underwhelming to eat. In fact, almost impossible to eat. It was such a waste, both of the ingredients and my expectations.

That is the thing about this food. The stuff is impeccable; a piece of salmon as good as I have had in London, but squirted with hazelnut oil. The raw beetroot purée that came with my lamb was so intensely delicious, I could have eaten a pint of its borscht. But everything is measured in teaspoons and dribbles. This chef came from the ensemble put together by the estimable Marcus Wareing and overseen by Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay has just been given a predictable sneery kicking by the French press for opening a restaurant in Paris, and one of the things they said about him was that he competently brought 1970s French food back home. There is more than a soupçon of veracity in that. It applies to this second-generation protégé, too. The food may be pink, perky and as fresh as the dew at dawn, but it has been prepared in a manner that is so past its sell-by date, it’s like eating repeats of To the Manor Born. The chef is not just skilled: he is gifted, has a calling, and can cook – he just has no idea how to eat.

I don’t normally do advice, but, if this were my restaurant, I would give him a month off and an expense account, and tell him to eat out three times a day with friends, then start all over again. Because as it stands, Launceston Place is a burp from the grave. A waste: a waste of brilliant material, a waste of a good location and, sadly, a waste of a considerable cook. But, most important, it’s a waste of the customer’s time, expectations and, at about £50 a head, money.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 11, 2008, 10:37:43 PM
Oh Binkie, I LOVED it.  I wish he could do some reviews of some of our pretentious restaurants!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 12, 2008, 06:20:46 AM


At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels
are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self is included.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 06:24:23 AM
Those last two entries, binks, were just Ab-Fab!!!

I looked up your restaurant critic in The Times, too, and he's really a brilliant writer!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 12, 2008, 06:34:24 AM
Glad you like it too, Threeb. I'm not sure what sort of person he is in "real life", mind you. A trifle picky perhaps ? (Ooops....unintended pun, there !)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 06:48:47 AM
 >:D :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 12, 2008, 04:03:58 PM
Thanks Binkie, another one of your hilarious finds to go winging across cyberspace to all my friends living the new (old??) Barbie life.  Where do you find such clever stuff?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 10:12:40 PM
A Startling Statistic!

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles
per year.

Another revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of
beer per year.

Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon. So,
given the current price of gas, quit driving, start drinking beer
and walk!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 12, 2008, 10:45:46 PM
That sounds like a plan....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 12, 2008, 11:00:55 PM
Sadly, it might very well come to that!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 13, 2008, 07:39:15 AM
   
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone companyis in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 13, 2008, 11:16:02 AM
Love it Binkie - I thought I was the ONLY one these things were happening to.  Now that I know it is a conspiracy, I'm much happier.  I can now relax and work on how to beat 'them'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 11:18:18 AM
I thoroughly enjoyed that romp, binks -- but the font wasn't quite big enough!  ;) Plus, it nearly wore me out reading, so I had to take a nap between those very looooooooooong paragraphs!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 12:18:56 PM
After Brokeback Mountain, there is a new cinematic marvel: El Vaquero Raro

Did you hear about the new TV series for this fall?  It's a western with dialog like never before!

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist, in a
dirty mug, por favor..."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys
room."

"Rustlers! Quick! Pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete ... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the
rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat,
seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from down below Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Ooooh!
Stop right there. Perfect!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 13, 2008, 12:21:22 PM
Scottish Farmer

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown
field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.
While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman
and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman
asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his
wife a ride.

"Well", said the pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but
if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride
will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you
will owe the full fare."

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took
off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its
paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it
and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout
the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really must hand it to you for
keeping quiet through all that!"

"Aye", replied the Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost had me
when the wife fell out."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 13, 2008, 01:05:24 PM

Thanks for a really good laugh, Threeb !  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 04:25:35 PM
LOL, Thanks Binkie and Threeb.  Another good start to my day.  Keep it up, it's becoming addictive!javascript:void(0);
Grin  I don't know how to use these b----- smileys! 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 05:59:47 PM
 :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:   :laugh:

Cheers guys...we should write the Chi laughter book, and put in all the jokes that have been sent in...

It's easy Toni...you just click on the smiley you want...  :-\    that's all you need to do.
What are you doing?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 06:04:43 PM
Thanks T, I'll try on this post.  Actually, it's 10am here and I'm still sitting in my nightie, footling around with the word puzzle and playing bookworm, thinking that I really should go and have a shower and sort myself.  No lessons un til 2pm and they are already planned, so there's not a great deal of impetus in my life at the moment. :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 13, 2008, 06:08:06 PM
Yay, it worked!  In the words so loved by our government "I am empowered!"  Thanks.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 06:12:16 PM
You're very welcome...

I like playing bookworm too...bookworm deluxe...

Nothing wrong with lazing about in your nightie...i might try that tomorrow...
Actually i'm not sure that would go down too well in the workshops...  :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 13, 2008, 09:41:30 PM
Bet it would if you weren't wearing knickers T  :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 13, 2008, 10:00:37 PM
PANTS....... :-R

...and as been said recently by threeb [or was it Binx?]...i go commando...  :o
...and as Health & Safety is one of my 'things' i am worried there may be too many accidents...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 14, 2008, 12:32:33 AM
My friend Joan has just sent me this and it gave me a chuckle so I'm sharing.


 THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY..




1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....


3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.


4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.


6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH

SOAP?


9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL

HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN

ENDANGERED PLANT?


13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID

SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?


16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE

RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW

ROAD SIGNS?


21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER

PEOPLE.


23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?


25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE

HUNGRY?


28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?


30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF

"ASSTEROIDS"?


31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE

BECOME DISORIENTED?


34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 14, 2008, 07:42:19 AM
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

A SENIOR MOMENT_ - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to

her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it

published in The Times .



Dear Sir,



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,

three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the

cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour

it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only

eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window

of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that

whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,

when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore

and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank

by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at

your bank whom you must nominate.



Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application

Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I

am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no

alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical

history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory

details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which

he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be

shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number

of button presses required of me to access my account balance on

your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest

form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.



2-- To query a missing payment.



3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.



4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.



5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.



6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my

computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a

later date to the Authorised Contact.)



8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8



9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy

an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new

arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less

prosperous, New Year.





Your Humble Client

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 14, 2008, 07:44:41 AM


Drug dealers across Britain are coming under increasing pressure to come clean about whether some of them have been secretly dabbling in sport. one leading drug lord has claimed that an interest in athletics, football and tennis is not only commonplace but tacitly accepted across the industry and that many gang leaders are prepared to turn a blind eye to the practise.

‘Sport is ruining the world of drugs’ said one smackhead from Manchester’s Moss Side. ‘In the good old day, sickly looking dealers used to sidle up to you on a shady stairwell on the estate. Now you have to run after them on the athletics track and they pass you a bag of crack like it’s some bloody relay baton.’

A hidden camera in Manchester’s Moss Side area, recently caught two drug dealers who were ostensibly doing a quick deal in cannabis resin, but as soon as they thought no one was looking they then took off their hoodies and surreptitiously attempted to break the European and Commonwealth record for the triple jump. ‘We’ve had rival drugs gangs challenging each other to games of badminton, addicts organising impromptu gymnastic displays and all of this association with sport is doing nothing for the image of illegal drugs.’

A police raid in Bristol last month caught six dealers just as they were lined up to run the two hundred metres. The operation ended in tragedy when a local sports coach fired the starting pistol, and the police returned fire, killing all six men and injuring a number of bystanders.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 14, 2008, 07:58:20 AM
That is a very biased article Binx....
Are you trying to sat that it's only in the YUK that it is happening?

I hope not Madam.....or i'll set my monkeys on you.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 14, 2008, 10:27:53 PM
Here are a few (corny) zingers -- not nearly as funny as Binx's story, but, what the heck ...

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 06:52:21 PM
I like!!  .... especially the last one as I was devising somebody's will only yesterday ... plenty of revoking, bequeathing, whatsoevers and wheresoevers!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:20:24 PM
Thanks 3B - gave me a laugh which I desperately needed today.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:25:13 PM
Are you in ze desperation, mon petite choux?  Nil desperandum we are here to brighten your day/night/whatever flaming time it is in the Underworld!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 15, 2008, 08:29:19 PM
Fear not, Greenone....us hags are programmed to destroy all negative and pessimistic thoughts, and to replace them with light, joy, harmony and pornographic dreams !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:30:48 PM
I am concocting a potion as we speak!!  Newts are a bit lively today and keep hopping out of the cauldron!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:33:32 PM
Underworld??  I can't imagine what you are referring to.  We are on REAL time here petal.  You are obviously on pretendy time  :angel:  Do please keep in mind that this puzzle originates from Australia, so our time zone surely must be real time.  No?  Yes?  Definitely.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:34:59 PM
Well Binkie, I don't think we should go as far as destroying LL - surely not
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:39:31 PM
Does Binkie want to destroy me?  Have I missed some caustic comment?!!

Whatever .... I don't care what you say, geo, Greenwich Mean Time is the properest time in the world!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 15, 2008, 08:46:50 PM
Nah.  Of course we are not trying to destroy you - wash your mouth out with soap and water girl How could the forum ever do that to you.  I musn't have gone back far enough in the thread.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:49:50 PM
Phew!! 

OMG I've just spotted the window cleaner over the road .... I hate it when he's around ... feel like you have to move from room to room to avoid eye contact with him ... and he charges a fortune .... might pretend not to be in!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 15, 2008, 08:53:19 PM
Gordon Bennett! I knew I shouldn't have had that last glass........now I'm utterly confused. Destroy Lovely Linda ? What a dreadful thought....and where did it come from ? Linda, Hag of my Heart, nothing is further from my mind. We have obviously passed on different psychic planes, and the resulting ectoplasmic emanations have warped my true message. Live long and prosper !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 08:55:57 PM
Fear not, fellow Hag, I knew that nothing could be further from your thoughts.  LL and P to you, too!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:04:05 PM
Sorry you're feeling down today Geo.  Here's a small chuckle, specially for you:

    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
    you
    determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
    the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
    bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
    bed near the window?'

    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 15, 2008, 10:09:38 PM
That was wicked awesome, binks!

Run, LL, run -- the cleaner's watching!!

And geo, I do hope you recover from your doldrums ... perhaps a teaspoon cup bucket of chablis or pinot might soothe you? or a ride to some lovely scene? or calling an old friend you haven't talked to for years?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:17:47 PM
Toni when I was studying for my Cert Ed our tutor asked us that question and not one of us got the answer ... thick, or what?!!  >:D

Window cleaner appears to have bogged off ... I'm sure he'll loom in at me from the window soon though!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:28:07 PM
Ah Linda, another teacher!  Not the easiest way to earn a crust these days, is it?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:31:42 PM
Obviously not because I don't really do it any more, apart from the odd bit of private tuition and some education research which is what I am supposed to be doing right now but keep getting drawn back to the Forum!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 10:36:58 PM
Ah, clever girl!  I also go the private tuition route now.  So much less stressful!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 10:40:06 PM
... and so much more lucrative!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:23:31 PM
Oh Yeah!  Just blown the phone bill with a looooong chat to my friend in Brisbane.  It's her birthday today.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 11:30:00 PM
Ouch .. that must hurt!!  How kind and thoughtful of you to make such a costly gesture!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:33:36 PM
Well, she has always been one of my dearest and it's cheaper and more satisfying than sending a prezzie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 15, 2008, 11:35:56 PM
As they say in a phone advertisement over here. 'It's good to talk!'  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 15, 2008, 11:45:06 PM
Ja, I love talking.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 16, 2008, 07:00:45 AM
Never...

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier.
-- Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-- Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother
to hear at your trial.
-- Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
-- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large"
or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether.
Trust me.
-- Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying
for the job of umpire.
-- Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-- Harry S. Truman

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local
sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-- Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods (or goddesses) unless you really want them
to appear. It annoys them very much.
-- G.K. Chesterton

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no
end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look,
it's always gonna be me!"
-- Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-- Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is
in the room.
-- Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-- John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-- Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-- Ruth Gordon

.... and, finally, for those who know me a bit -- my favorite:


Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
-- American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 16, 2008, 07:38:47 AM


A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Toilets Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 toilets to clean.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 16, 2008, 06:13:31 PM
> > The Eukanuba Diet
>
> I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at Pick 'n Pay and standing in
> a queue at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I
> had a dog.
>
> On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba Diet again, although
> I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that
> I'd lost 22 kilos before I awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming
> out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is
> load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
> you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I
> was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically
> everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
> was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because
> I'd been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the
> street licking my balls and a car hit me.
>
> I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard
> as he staggered out the door.
>
 

 
> Stupid cow... why else would I buy dog food?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 16, 2008, 08:09:28 PM
that is so clever  :laugh: >:D :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 17, 2008, 07:00:47 AM
Thanks a lot, Toni.......I have just snorted coffee out of my nose and all over my keyboard!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 17, 2008, 08:33:25 AM
Charming Binx...
You weren't trying to lick your bits then???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 17, 2008, 04:59:14 PM
The mental pics are hilarious.  Hope your keyboard survives Binkie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 09:29:20 PM
I snorted coffee, too, when I read it happened to binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 17, 2008, 09:35:00 PM
You hag, you! >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 09:50:30 PM
I take that as the ultimate compliment, toni!

Thanks -- Always and forever!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 17, 2008, 09:54:10 PM

And I suppose the rest of you are so ladylike that you never, ever, snort drinks down yor nose when  made to laugh ?????
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 17, 2008, 10:07:55 PM
Living to tell the tale's the trick, then!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 17, 2008, 11:48:19 PM
I don't snort drinks, either up or down my nose....

I won't vouch for anything else though.... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 18, 2008, 12:05:49 AM
To my mum and dad's generation a "snort" was slang for a drink (alcohol)  I wonder where it came from?  They had certainly never heard of any other form of snort except for something a horse might do, or a snort of disgust.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 18, 2008, 02:14:47 AM
Well!! Pooh-pooh on that, then! (And what does THAT say?)  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 19, 2008, 01:39:19 PM
 an oldie, but I haven't seen it for years...

A farmer stopped by his local mechanic to have his truck fixed. 

They couldn't do it while he waited,  so he
said that, as he didn't live  far, he would just walk home.

On  the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket  and a  gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple  of
chickens  and a goose. However, struggling outside the store
he now had a  problem -  how to carry his entire purchases
home.

While he was scratching  his head he was approached by a
little old  lady who told him she was  lost.  She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird  Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close  to  that house  I would walk you there but I can't
carry this  lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint
in the   bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken
under each arm and carry   the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and  proceeded to walk
the old girl  home.

On the way he says 'Let's take  my short cut and go down
this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'

The  little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a  lonely widow,  without a husband to defend me.  How
do I know that when we  get in the  alley you won't hold me
up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and  have your way
with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a  bucket,
a gallon  of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the
world  could I possibly  hold you up against the wall and do
that?'

The old  lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket,  put the paint  on top of the bucket, and I'll
hold the  chickens.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 19, 2008, 04:39:51 PM
LOL!  Cute! ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 19, 2008, 06:21:03 PM
We are ingenious breed us girls.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 21, 2008, 08:31:52 AM
You probably know this one, but...........

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! T'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question????

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 21, 2008, 10:36:51 AM
It's always as funny as the first time, binks!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 21, 2008, 05:02:53 PM
I hadn't seen it before Binkie.  It gave me a good laugh and a strong feeling of recognition.  Mind you, menopause is not an issue here, that's just pretty normal for me on a bad day, hmmm, maybe most days! >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 24, 2008, 02:03:10 PM


Just reading a television review in The Times online. There was apparently a programme about eating habits during the war, and mention was made of Spam. The first reader comment is as follows.....

"I was my family's shopper in the war and was never able to buy Spam then. Where does this myth come from that we were all eating Spam? It was the off ration rabbits that kept us going. 2 shillings for an ordinary sized one and 2 and sixpence for a great big one. Twice we roasted rabbits at Christmas "

Judy, from Leighton Buzzard.


A couple of letters later was this......

"I was my family's shopper in the war and was never able to buy Spam then. Where does this myth come from that we were all eating Spam? It was the off ration buzzards that kept us going. 2 shillings for an ordinary sized one and 2 and sixpence for a great big one. Twice we roasted buzzards at Xmas"

John, from Leighton Rabbit.



P.S For those not in the know, Leighton Buzzard really is a place !





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on May 24, 2008, 07:42:27 PM
Aye it is and only about 20 miles from where most of my family live!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 12:09:07 AM
Wasn't there a band called the Leighton Buzzards?  Think so.

Hi Jane, what about Man U's game the other night?  I just knew Ronaldo was going to miss that penalty but all was well in the end!  Fantastic achievement!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 12:57:36 AM
Back to the subject of cows.

When the government gets involved:

Government:

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Economy:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 12:59:26 AM
 :D :D :D  We do not have any mad cows over here at the moment, luckily ... with the exception of a certain Forumate that is!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 25, 2008, 01:15:06 AM
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder whosells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annualreport says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with ninecows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 08:00:17 AM
Presactly!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 08:01:22 AM
LL -- I thought she was a mad mare!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 25, 2008, 10:14:46 AM
Who is SHE, the cat's mother???
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 06:35:10 PM
Moooorning mate!!  Are you turning into an insomniac, too?  1.14 a.m. - a time when all good Christian souls should be safely tucked up in bed!!  >:D

Can you remember me calling you a 'cloth-eared bint'?  What an endearing term of affection, eh?!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 25, 2008, 10:16:53 PM
It is forever inprinted on my mind Linda....
November 14th 2007 at approximately 8.45 a.m. in High Tea, page 42, reply #615......

Yes i was up late...my 2 had 2 friends sleeping over...so it was a late night for all of us...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 25, 2008, 10:48:03 PM
Glad I made such a lasting impression on you!

My son had a mate staying over last night, too .... 3.30 a.m. and still chittering away!  Mate eats like a horse but luckily I'd just stocked up the bare cupboards/fridge/freezer!!

Off to colour my hair .... could be disastrous but I like living dangerously!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 25, 2008, 11:06:54 PM
Oh I am glad mine(except for John) are out of the house and although I still get the odd drunken mate crashed out for the night, the days of storming out at 3 in the morning threatening instant death, are over.  It does help to be the "hag mum" of the group.  At school my nickname was The Dragon lady and, as most of the friends knew me as that, they had a small fear that my home image could vanish in a puff of dragon smoke.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 25, 2008, 11:34:04 PM
You have proven yourself to be a life-long hag, then. Get on your broom and take a few turns over the house!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on May 26, 2008, 12:38:37 AM
I used to have a student who called my Dragon Number Two .... Number One being his mum!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 26, 2008, 12:53:55 AM
That's the way!

I usually glare and put my hands on my hips ... generally does the trick. Nobody ever dared call me one to my face, but I'm sure they were thinking it!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 26, 2008, 01:50:27 AM
I've never been called one to my face either, but you know how those things get round in a school.  I must say I did nothing to discourage it! >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 07:48:36 AM

                                       JEWISH BUDDHISM

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?


Be here now. Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?


Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.


Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.


Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or for a life without problems.
What would you talk about?


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy!


There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
Whose fault was that?


Zen is not easy. It takes great effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkis!


The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.


Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. Sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.


Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals...
...You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says, there is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 27, 2008, 03:02:35 PM
God love the Scots

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... 'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 05:29:25 PM

With apologies to Bobbi and all other Kiwis !



Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 05:35:44 PM
                                               
                                        Tips from the I.T. Dept.



1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.

15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.


Your friendly computer guy.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 27, 2008, 06:54:16 PM


 This should really go into a recipe site.....



The following recipe for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.

Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Method
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rateexpression(see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 27, 2008, 08:39:42 PM
Hear No Evil, See No Evil...

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.

They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.

They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 27, 2008, 10:32:26 PM
Binks, this may be another example of divergence in the language.  Most of that recipe is familiar, but I use sodium chloride instead of halide.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 28, 2008, 05:44:18 PM
as long as it's iodised, that's the main thing  :)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 28, 2008, 06:40:01 PM
You mean you actually understood it ??  I'm impressed !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 28, 2008, 08:52:03 PM
Ever seen the chemical formula for zucchini? Enough to scare you off eating veggies ever again!
Recipe was cute, but reasonably easily decoded.
Funny though, thanks for posting it Binks.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 29, 2008, 12:11:52 AM
Try not to look at photo til you have read the scientific article!

 

 
 STRESS


I  am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The  picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
study on  stress levels at  the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical
Center in Burlington

Look  at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A  closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact
that  the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many
differences  between the two dolphins .

The  more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is
experiencing.

Look  at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you
may  need to take a vacation.

No  Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation


Never  take life seriously.

Nobody gets out of it alive anyway.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 29, 2008, 11:42:58 AM
I must be stressed out - the one on the right seems to be a different color from the one on the left.  Please excuse me while I go self-medicate - I think chocolate is a cure for stress.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on May 29, 2008, 08:02:04 PM
Birdy, got this email today at work and was going to respond to the person who sent it to me exactly as you did!!!!

Yep - the colour is different.  And apart from that?

Isn't the www.blah blah a wonderful thing  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 29, 2008, 08:36:38 PM
I'm not sure that's the right web address, geo --

However, to cheer myself up, I did find this little bit of humour:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road - Part Two...

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken2007< /B>(c), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ...reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 07:55:57 AM


(This only works if you pronounce his name to rhyme with "no" !)

                 Van Gogh


His dizzy aunt-----------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes-----------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
----Stop an Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia-------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle--------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin------------------- A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother
----Ring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle----------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle----------------Flaming Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst---------------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin-----------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
----- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew--------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco--------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who traveled the country in a van
-----Winnie Bay Gogh

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 07:59:04 AM



Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn. Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?

A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"

Wait for it...

Are you ready?...


Brace yourself...


This'll make your day...

>

>

>

>

>

>

... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer."


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 08:05:53 AM
Uh, oh ... that's getting reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly bad! But I did chuckle ... thanks, dear binks -- you're always good for a daily giggle here!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 31, 2008, 08:09:38 AM
...a loud chortle from me Binx...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:24:26 AM

I do my best, dear friends.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on May 31, 2008, 08:40:36 AM
A very good best it is too, thanks. ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 08:41:06 AM
aye, me binx!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 31, 2008, 08:46:44 AM
I think a cocktail stick makes a great wooden stake! Lovely joke Binkie.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on May 31, 2008, 10:30:26 AM
As a diehard Buffy fan, I would take umbrage if I weren't laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on May 31, 2008, 04:50:58 PM
Well, I'm coffee-snorting...again!  This is becoming dangerous early morning reading!!  Thanks Binks  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on May 31, 2008, 08:17:26 PM
testing for Binkie who's having trouble with this thread...
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:43:30 PM
Nope....trying to post a copied joke....no luck
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:48:48 PM
          THIS IS RIDICULOUS !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:49:34 PM
I can post anything except what I want to !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 08:50:53 PM


I know that I said that I am an atheist, but I'm beginning to think that Someone up there doesn't like me.........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 09:00:01 PM
It might be easier to be an atheist until you need some supernatural help and the world starts crashing down over your head.

Stay strong, binks -- we're with you!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on May 31, 2008, 09:15:34 PM
Thank you Threeb, but I think events are conspiring to thwart me. I'm away to bed.....may the force be with you all !  :-Z :-Z
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on May 31, 2008, 10:57:24 PM
Tata, binky-binks!

Hope you catch this one later!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 01, 2008, 01:52:36 PM
This could be me one day...

The senior stuntmen.wmv

On the other hand, maybe not - much too energetic for my style.

Hmm - not too sure that came through - may have to be cut-and-pasted - it worked when I cut and pasted it into an email.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 01, 2008, 01:57:57 PM
   
 What do you get when you cross a Rastafarian with a proctologist???












A Pokemon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 05:55:34 PM
Once again, I love it Binkie!  The petrol price board is painfully good too.  Are you guys also having ludicrously high increases every month?  A big chunk of the reason for our xenophobia is the soaring food prices linked to the petrol prices.  I heard on the news that for the first time there have been xenophobic attacks in Rome too.  People get desperate when faced with the fear of losing what little they have.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 06:16:29 PM
This is supposed to be genuine, from council records!
Here's a laugh - especially for the English teacher!


> > 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
> > fungus growing in it.
> >
> > 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
> > can't take it anymore.
> >
> > 3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
> >
> > 4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> > unsightly and dangerous.
> >
> > 5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt
> > my knob off.
> >
> > 6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my
> > fence.
> >
> > 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
> > I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
> >
> > 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
> >
> > 9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my
> > wife.
> >
> > 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
> > tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
> >
> > 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
> >
> > 12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a
> > third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
> >
> > 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
> >
> > 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
> > cleared.
> >
> > 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
> > and not fit to drink.
> >
> > 16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
> > wall.
> >
> > 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning
> > at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
> >
> > 18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he
> > put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
> >
> > 19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
> > plain filthy.
> >
> > 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
> > do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
> >
> > 21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
> >
> > 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still
> > have no satisfaction.
> >
> > 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
> > get BBC2.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 01, 2008, 09:15:03 PM
That was hilarious Toni, had me in stitches for ages..

I empathise with #1, 20 and 22.
I'd like to meet #2,4,9 and 17. :-R
Feel distraught for #5. :'(
Have some good advice for #6. >:(
A cure for #7 and 15.
#11 and 13 don't apply often.... :o

The rest i couldn't possibly comment on... :-X
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 01, 2008, 09:45:46 PM
You had me laughing all over again as I checked out your comments!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 01, 2008, 09:57:33 PM
Had my sides splitting for an early-morning laugh, toni! Coffee shooting through the nose! Brilliant!  ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 02, 2008, 12:53:49 AM
I can't imagine what you found so funny Toni.... :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 02, 2008, 01:13:43 AM
No T, I am sure your sweet, unsullied mind would not leap to any rude meanings!!  ;D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 02, 2008, 01:20:31 AM
Well I must stop now and go and smarten up.  I'm off to dinner with one of my Korean families.  Should be interesting and maybe I'll be lucky and eat sushi (yummy!) on the other hand their food is often very hot and I have Birdie's chili cookout going through my head.  If you don't hear from me for a few days you will all understand why! :-H
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 02, 2008, 08:13:11 PM
Have we had this one before, I've seen it many times, but it always makes me laugh

Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.   -  8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:   -  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.   -  Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.   -  Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   -  Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK   -  $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!   -  Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .   -  Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:   -  Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 02, 2008, 08:39:59 PM
Those are so cool, bobbi -- like many of the other entries, when taken from real reports/people (like that classic about excuses why persons had vehicular accidents) are usually funnier than any made-up jokes!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 02, 2008, 11:43:51 PM
Haven't seen that one before - very good!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 03, 2008, 07:48:57 AM


                                      How to be politically correct with women



She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 03, 2008, 08:23:56 PM
Priestly Persuasion...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. " The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 04, 2008, 06:43:12 PM
Although EVERYONE the majority some on the forum are young and spry and carefree, just remember .... someday, someday soon tomorrow or the next day -- things will change!

We're All Getting Older

- I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts 'till 8 pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're
saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and
over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as
mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental
care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children,
politicians.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like ... uh ....

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's,
AARP.

- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-
inflammatory.

- I'm supporting all movements now ... by eating bran, prunes and
raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the
storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life.

- Do I have Alzheimer's? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 04, 2008, 06:47:55 PM

That, Threeb, my friend, is what you'd call a bittersweet list !  I laughed, all right, but with the occasional wince of painful recognition!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 04, 2008, 07:16:19 PM
Me three, binx!  ;)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 04, 2008, 10:52:15 PM
yes, but I'll never admit it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 05, 2008, 04:58:27 AM
Sorry but i cannot relate to any of that at all......so bloody there!!!!!





[it's because i can't remember any of it....  :'(  :'(  :'( ]
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 05, 2008, 06:05:39 AM



These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is ..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________ _________ _______ ____________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ?
( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion?
( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

____________ _________ _________ _________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

____________ _________ _________ _________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 05, 2008, 07:18:32 AM
I always get a laugh out of those ones Binkie.  I particularly like the one about the Koala bears dropping out of trees.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 09:23:30 AM
Those really were great, kid! Thanks for all the chuckles!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 01:29:42 PM
Honest Harry's New And Used Horses

I can save you money on gas!
Alright folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.00 (or more)
for gas? No problem, I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no
gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will
do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose
from the following models:

1. TRAIL HORSE - Your average run around town animal. Has the
energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best
way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. THE ARABIAN - perfect for those who travel long distances in a
day and try to multi-task while driving. Although the Arabian
may not go to your home or office without specific instruction,
it WILL go somewhere.

3. THE DRAFT - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the
whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines,
this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more
expensive than the compact model.

4. THE WESTERN PLEASURE - The right car for the high-end white
collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more
special knowledge so only the best can figure this one out. Be
sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic,
you just won't be getting anywhere fast.

5. THE PARELLI - Salesmen, stay-at-home moms, and high school kids
will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping
Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit,
and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes.

6. THE RANCH - The most dependable animal available. He will go
where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate.
You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you
get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered
to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick
by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay,
black). Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino)
and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available
(overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).

No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are
available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 05, 2008, 04:59:00 PM
Oh Binkie, another coffee-snorting morning!  Thanks!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 05, 2008, 10:03:20 PM
This is so hokey, but I couldn't resist:

New Game

The longshoremen in Southampton, England, have developed a variant
on their favorite game, Cricket.

The object of the game is not just to hit the ball with the bat,
but also to get it to hit, or, better still, to land in, one of
the many smokestacks in the port. Of course the game is called...
"Chimney Cricket."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 08:29:33 AM
 

                                                  All-Purpose Excuse Form Letter


All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've got in to. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 08:49:30 AM


BY DAVE BARRY  ( columnist for Miami Herald )


I have here a shocking letter from a person named ''Julia,'' who openly admits to being a woman. It concerns laundry.

As you men know, laundry is a key area in which we have long enjoyed a tactical advantage over women, thanks to the fact that, through a combination of genetics, evolution, instinct and plain old good fortune, we are pigs.

A man can live happily in a confined space with a mass of unwashed garments so funky that his shirts wrap their sleeves around his ankles as he walks past, hoping he will drag them to a laundromat; and his undershorts, which have developed primitive bacterial feet, crawl around and arrange themselves on the floor to form the words FOR GOD'S SAKE WASH US. Every year, thousands of pedestrians collapse while walking past male-occupied college dormitories, overcome by sock fumes.

So in most relationships, women wind up doing the laundry. To compensate, we men assume full responsibility for more masculine, but equally necessary, household tasks, such as making sure that the TV channel is changed regularly.

Unfortunately, the traditional division of labor is now threatened by this avowed woman, Julia. In her letter, she reveals that she has developed a shocking tactic, a tactic that threatens to undermine the very fabric that underlies the foundation for the infrastructure of our way of life as we know it in terms of metaphors. This tactic is so disgusting that, to prevent young readers from being exposed to it, I am going to use a secret code to tell you how ''Julia'' gets her husband to do laundry:

She uses S-E-X.

''I tell him it gets me hot,'' she writes. ``Every time I need laundry done, I put my arms around him and tell him how excited I get just watching him. I tell him if he folds it and puts it away, I am beside myself. I make love to him right by the washing machine. I have found that he folds laundry better than I do.''

Men, we must ask ourselves: What if other women start using their wiles this way? Would it work? Are we, as a gender, so easily manipulated, so mindlessly lust-crazed?

We most certainly are. A man will do pretty much any idiot thing if he thinks it gives him a shot at a woman's wiles. I am not proud of this, but once, in my younger days, at a party, I leaped, fully clothed, from a house roof into a swimming pool that was not really all that close to the house, risking serious injury or death, because I truly believed that a specific woman at the party would be impressed and therefore want to bear my children.

Q. Did it work?

A. Of course not. No sane woman is going to knowingly perpetuate roof-jumping genes.

Q. Would you have done her laundry?

A. I would have drunk her fabric softener.

And that is my point, men. ''Julia'' has unleashed a nuclear device in the housework wars. If her tactic catches on, we could see a day when men are not only doing the laundry, but also performing other traditionally feminine household tasks, such as: remembering the children's birthdays; purging the refrigerator of Chinese food purchased during the Clinton administration; lighting big fat candles that make the house smell as though a fruit truck has crashed in the family room; remembering to flush all the toilets before company arrives; decorating the guest-room bed in such a way that guests are afraid to go near it; and remembering the children's names.

Yes, men, we could wind up like some of the more pathetic males in the animal kingdom, such as 1) the male praying mantis, who allows the female praying mantis, during the mating act, to bite off his head and 2) the male spotted whipfish, which consummates his courtship ritual with the female spotted whipfish by watching a video of ''The Sound of Music'' DURING THE SUPER BOWL.

Is that what we want, men? Are we willing to trade our independence -- and, yes, our dignity -- for a few seconds (let's be honest, men) of cheap physical gratification? Are we that weak, that pathetic, that STUPID?

Let's remember to hand-wash those delicates.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 09:07:55 AM
I LOVE Dave Barry ... and that other one about the excuses was just brilliant, too, Binks! I think I can confidently speak not only for myself here, but EVERYONE: You always brighten up all our days, mate!

Thanks for being your wonderful little self!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 10:11:38 AM


Thank you for those kind words, Threeb. I hope you realise that it is utter torture for me, having to plough through all these ghastly humour pages, simply to find a few crumbs to offer to you all. Sigh. It is a far, far better thing I do...........
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 06, 2008, 10:15:00 AM
I want you to know, Binkie, that we appreciate your sacrifices.  The struggles, the agony, the effort you put in to lighten our days is an inspiration to us all.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 10:19:35 AM

WHAT HAVE I DONE ?

Oh my dear heavens.......I have really discovered Dave Barry now. Not only that, but I have unearthed years and years of archived columns! It's all simply too much for one forumate to shoulder alone. I'm sorry dear friends, but you will have to investigate his columns by yourselves. I haven't the time to post them ( or do any washing, cooking, gardening etc) because I'm too busy reading them.
In the meantime, just one more!

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,

Quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
Water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those

Unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
Jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much The MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy victims. Then I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
Hospital garments designed by sadistic perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 11:44:02 AM
I chortled, cackled, screamed and spewed (pardon me!), howled and rolled around in gasping spasms, with tears streaming down my face and cracking three ribs at this story, binks! A true classic! The smile was frozen on my face for hours afterward. Unbloodybelievable!

It was made even more intense by the fact that I actually have had one of those (sorry for telling) and could COMPLETELY relate!

If you never post another thing, binks, this is truly one for the ages!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 06, 2008, 12:42:11 PM
I loved it!!!  Best laugh for a little while.  I have one of these every few years and know exactly what he means.  The preparation for the event is far worse than the event itself.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 12:51:51 PM

Isn't it wonderful ? I've never experienced it, but my husband has, and the two of us were completely helpless . I tried to read it to him at first, and couldn't see for the tears of laughter. I had to let him read it for himself !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 06, 2008, 01:37:20 PM
I passed this on to a friend who will be having one in the near future.  And yes, Threeb, I can relate too - I remember it well... well, right up to the point when they put me out.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 02:15:55 PM


OK,OK, I know I said you had to do this for yourselves (look up Dave Barry, I mean), but this is so priceless I'd hate you to miss it. (I read this when I was on my own, and I still laughed till I cried. Then again, maybe that's just me.)


                                              How to remove a dead whale                                                     
                                                                               
 The Farside comes to life in Oregon.                                           
                                                                               
 I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on         
 videotape.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent       
 a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that   
 washed up on the beach.  The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass     
 was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory     
 that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
 So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making 
 this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the       
 whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls,     
 and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.                             
                                                                               
 So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite     
 next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of                 
 understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most     
 wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale       
 carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy 
 spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone       
 changes. You hear a new sound like "splud."  You hear a woman's voice         
 shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.     
                                                                               
 Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave
 way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere."   
 One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile     
 away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of   
 condominium units.  There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt         
 permanently relocated to Brazil.                                               
                                                                               
 This is a very sobering videotape.  Here at the institute we watch it often,   
 especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety.  This is a time to     
 get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them,       
 when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the     
 US Capitol.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 06, 2008, 03:52:19 PM


And if you don't believe me......here's the video...

http://www.perp.com/whale/video.html


Apologies to all US forumates, to whom this may be a very oft-told tale!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 06, 2008, 05:30:05 PM
Oh Binkie, that was brilliant!  I laughed till I cried with all of them.  I have actually seen the whale video and reading about it again  brought it all back.  Thanks!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 06, 2008, 09:16:29 PM
Wow -- that's a new one on me! Exploding blubber -- truly surreal, weird and wild -- but I still like the colonoscopy better.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 07, 2008, 02:30:12 AM
Oh those experts....
How dull our lives would be without them....

Bloody hilarious....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 07, 2008, 11:48:30 PM
I'd heard about the exploding whale but not seen the video - so thanks for enriching my experience.  I think I'm glad to have seen the video rather than being there for the event - some things are so much better from a distance!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 08, 2008, 02:01:32 AM
I would like to add 2 words that exempify that theory Birdy...

Work

Kids
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 07:32:16 AM

                WARNING........bad pun ahead.


A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 07:39:44 AM
VERY bad pun, but still gave me a good laugh .. oh, those groaners!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 08:16:16 AM


I do have a weakness for silly wordplay, don't you?  Which reminds me of the terrible one about the aristocrat in the French Revolution. Count d'Orsay was believed to know the whereabouts of many other noblemen, and was being tortured in order to confess.  Eventually, the executioner, growing tired of waiting, sprang forward and beheaded him.
 "Fool!" screamed the interrogator. " Do you not remember the saying...don't hatchet your counts before they've chickened ?"



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 09:48:24 AM
Just as baaaaaaaaaad as the other one, binks! No matter, keep 'em comin' anyway!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 11:50:12 AM


One of our more common sayings originates from earlier times, when ladies wore floor-length, voluminous skirts. Answering a call of nature could be quite awkward, and so most women had loops attached to the hems of their dresses. These could be used to lift the skirts, thus avoiding accidents.

The practice gave rise, of course, to the saying....."Loop before you leak "   :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 01:02:56 PM
Okay, okay, binks -- I give up!  ;D ;D ;D

Where do you come up with this stuff?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 01:16:32 PM

From the rag-bag that I laughingly call my brain !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 01:25:53 PM
You are amazing, binks! What a wonderful grandma you must be. I hope those children realize what a little treasure you are! Although I venture to say you probably think likewise about them! 

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 03:28:06 PM
You are so good for my ego, Threeb! Yes, of course, I think they're the brightest, smartest and most beautiful children ever.
Still on the subject of silly stories, I must confess that, although they're a favourite family pastime, we certainly didn't originate them. I don't know who did, but as a family, we were addicted to a radio programme called "My Word". There were all kinds of questions and quizzes about words, but the highlight of each programme was when the 2 resident comic writers, Frank Muir and Dennis Norden, were asked for their explanation of how particular phrases, proverbs, song titles, etc, came into being. They were given the phrase or whatever, at the beginning of the programme, and at the end they provided their hilarious accounts. Absolutely brilliant......one of my favourites was Frank Muir's account of his pet bee. He lived in a high-rise apartment, but had a window box. After filling it with flowers, his bee fed and thrived. When asked how his bee did so well, he would reply........"My bee eats because I'm a landowner" (Original song title....."Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner" ! )
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 03:39:29 PM


Oh my, oh dear, oh heavens ! I just happened to check who was on line, and who was doing what (as you do ) and I discovered that I was "collapsing a category" ! I am so terribly, terribly sorry to the category and its nearest and dearest. I swear that I had no such intention, and that it was a truly accidental action on my part.
Thinks...........how do you collapse a category, and what happens afterwards ? Does said category sink noiselessly and gracefully to the ground, expiring in a puff of lavender smoke ? Or does it (heaven forbid ) crash, writhing in unspeakable anguish, suffering the torments of the damned ?  I NEED TO KNOW !

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 08, 2008, 03:48:52 PM
My Word: My personal favourite was supercalafragalisticexpialedocious (sp??). Frank Muir I think it was? Anyway, he narrated this long tale about his wife going away for a week. And he had to remember a shopping list of things to get before she returned: soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, pea, halitosis. Naturally the narrative that provided the rationale for this list was hilarious! Particularly the last bit about mistaking garlic powder for salt, sprinkling it liberally on everything he ate, and noticing the varnish on the front door peeling when he opened it to a salesman, so bad was his garlic breath.

We still get repeats regularly on national radio here. Still as popular as ever! My music too.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 04:22:31 PM
I rememeber it well, Bobbi....in fact I was trying to recall that exact episode, but I couldn't remember what came after fridge elastic !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 08, 2008, 05:22:55 PM
Oh yes, we used to get it on our radios when I was young.  I also loved it.  Binkie, I'm sure you love the What-a-Mess books by Frank Muir too.  Are your little ones old enough for them yet? 
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 09:45:49 PM
I'm ashamed to say, Toni, that I'd completely forgotten What-a-Mess. They were about his Afghan hound, weren't they ? I shall rectify the omission instantly. Thank you for the reminder !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 10:08:03 PM
Well, that was a wonderful memory I never had, mates -- either it didn't exist here at all, or by some crazy quirk I missed it! Sounds lovely. Maybe there's something on the web I can find out about it.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:11:43 PM
I doubt that the programme made it to the States, Threeb.....do radio programmes ever do ? Maybe some of Frank Muir's writings would be at your local library, though I wouldn't hold my breath!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:12:52 PM
I think I'm far too young to remember it!  I did love Frank Muir though esp. on 'Call My Bluff'.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:14:12 PM
Thanks for making me remember my extreme age, Linda dear !
If you're interested, Wikipedia has a starting point....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Muir
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:15:08 PM
Always happy to spread a little joy, Binx!!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 08, 2008, 10:19:22 PM
hree men were hiking through a forest when they
> came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to
> the other side, the first man prayed:
>
> 'God, please give me the strength to cross the
> river.'
> Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and
> he was able to swim
> across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
> twice.
>
> After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
> 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross
> the river'
> Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and
> strong legs and he
> was able to row across in about an hour after
> almost capsizing once.
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the
> third man prayed: 'God,
> please give me the strength, the tools and the
> intelligence to cross the
> river'
> Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked
> the map, hiked one
> hundred yards up stream and walked across the
> bridge.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:20:00 PM
You do, dear, you do ! (As long as that's all you spread, if you'll pardon the expression)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 08, 2008, 10:21:17 PM
Now I'm really upset we didn't get it -- sounded like a hoot!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 08, 2008, 10:22:07 PM
 :D :D :D  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 08, 2008, 10:23:08 PM
You'd have loved it Threeb....everything we adore....word games, utter insanity and amazing cleverness with language. Sorry it passed you by !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 09, 2008, 08:36:43 AM

Someone sent me this today. It's not exactly humorous, but it struck a chord with me. Maybe it will with somebody else !

                                                              Aprons



I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears .

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 09, 2008, 09:00:59 AM
Amazing how many of those images are set in my mind from those old bygone days! Thanks for the memories!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 09, 2008, 09:27:23 AM


I have a nasty feeling that we may just be getting (whisper it ) older !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 09, 2008, 10:14:17 AM
No, we're just accumulating a lot more memories!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 09, 2008, 08:27:52 PM
Nice one Toni - bridge joke - great, if not so politically correct joke.
Poor men in New Zealand are feeling completely emasculated. The five most powerful positions in the country are held by women (e.g. Prime Minister, Chief Justice etc.)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 09, 2008, 09:26:20 PM
Shame, poor little souls with their fragile egos!  Not that I don't love them and I really don't want them emasculated, but in the long run it must surely do them good to see how it has felt on our side of the fence through all the ages.  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 10, 2008, 09:14:17 AM
                                                         

                                                    A Brief History of Time


> 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen
and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for
all times.

> 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes
the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

> 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally
gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse
the hell out of scientists for centuries.

> 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced
by Babylonian scientists.

> 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

> 776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing
the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

> 525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games,
except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the
women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

> 410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus
removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

> 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because
neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

> 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the
1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep
the neighbor's dog out.

> 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what
to call next year.

> 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate
investment.

> 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the
natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded
history.

> 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

> 1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that
mmediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

> 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to sole
the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on
MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

> 1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with
the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is
permitted to continue for only 600 years.

> 1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight
to buy IBM or Xerox.

> 1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a
small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot
of evil!

> 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death
sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

> 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming
the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

> 1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to reach the new world,
but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of
Vespuccia!

> 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,
but he still refuses to wash the windows.

> 1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age
trying to remember where it was he found it.

> 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it
all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

> 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills
another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

> 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit
Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

> 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh,
but allow his tobacco plants to live.

> 1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in
America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a
liberal arts education.

> 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden
anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

> 1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing
young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

> 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation,
which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they
can expect from here on out.

> 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

> 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the
Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just
about average for a Saturday Night.

> 1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric",
noting that no one added cream.

> 1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American
Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

> 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and
then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

> 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette
ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing
she ever said.

> 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that
Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses,  How are you?
I am fine."

 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

> 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with
his torpedo.

> 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of
New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War
of 1812 is over.

> 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that
the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few
can disagree with it.

> 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets
quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without
winning.

> 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general
plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

> 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General
Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

> 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it
except the movie critics.

> 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow
to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most
of them want to get there.

> 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old
ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

> 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected
all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

> 1912-People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money
back.

> 1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the
U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

> 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the
parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

> 1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every
garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots
and garages.

> 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't
discovered until 1938.

> 1933- German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with
the mustache never came back to finish his work.

> 1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a
thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

> 1934- John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie
theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the
movie either.

> 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches,
Ralph Nader is born.

> 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all
possibility of WWII.

> 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won
the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 10, 2008, 10:52:16 AM
That was so cute, Binx -- I had so many chuckles, it would be hard to name all the items -- pretty much all, really!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 10, 2008, 04:49:25 PM
Ja, it was really good, tho some of the chuckles were sad ones!  Made me think of an hilarious book called "1066 and All That"  Anyone read it?  It was pretty old when I read it, more my parents' generation, but SO funny.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 10, 2008, 06:15:55 PM

I remember it well, Toni! I just Googled (where would we be without it ?) and I was amazed to learn that it was first published in 1930 !
I think the authors were way ahead of their time. There are definite Monty Python overtones.....e.g."Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once". That's the only line I remember, apart from Good Kings and Bad Kings.
I shall have to try to get hold of a copy, just to see if it's as funny as I remember.

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 11, 2008, 02:36:43 AM
yes, I remember it well - and I think there was a sequel - was it called "And Now All This"?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 11, 2008, 04:10:39 PM
I don't think I ever saw the sequel, but I'd also love to get hols of the first and see if it's still funny.  Sometimes things have just got too dated and I feel as tho I've lost a friend.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 04:56:47 PM
 The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

  The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the

  job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

  After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  'OK, so
  how many sales did you make today?'

  The Aussie said 'One!'

  The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20
  or 30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?'

  £124,237.64

  The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you
  sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and             
then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going       
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,   
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took him
down  to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

"No no no.....he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend"
  and I said........."Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might just
  as well go fishing."
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 04:59:10 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said, 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.' In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 12, 2008, 06:20:52 PM
My sentiments presactly!!  And what a load of rot is talked about drinking 'units' ... as Inspector Morse said, "I drink pints; not units."

Some more quotes for us wine lovers  .....  (a connoisseur of fine wines; a grape nut)


"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food!!"

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance

Drink wine, and you will sleep well. Sleep, and you will not sin. Avoid sin, and you will be saved. Ergo, drink wine and be saved.

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
-Winston Churchill   >:D

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 12, 2008, 08:41:34 PM
Lovely!  ;D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 12, 2008, 10:46:31 PM
Fab joke Toni....really funny...
...and LL, i love the wine quotes...i may just have to try out a few later and see if they're true.. :-\
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 12, 2008, 10:47:39 PM
Me too ... just for the sake of research, natch!!   >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 13, 2008, 12:05:36 AM
Those were really funny, toni!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 14, 2008, 07:58:32 AM


I think you'll enjoy this little series about the olympics.......

http://www.seriesflash.com/n/humor_olimpics/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 08:41:29 AM
That was really so entertaining! Can't wait to see how many of those mishaps happen in Beijing, binkie!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 01:46:31 PM


Top Ten Signs an N.B(asketball).A. Game Is Fixed:

10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win

-David Letterman
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 14, 2008, 09:48:57 PM
The Olympic thing was hilarious...
I can't wait to have them on my doorstep in 2012....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 14, 2008, 10:18:59 PM
What a treat THAT will be! I must start thinking about my trip ... would be the perfect opportunity to visit the old sod! (Not that you're the old sod!  >:D) See you and Linda and maybe even Jane ... hope we're all still around.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 15, 2008, 07:52:40 AM
Thought for the day......


Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
  - Robertson Davies
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 15, 2008, 09:57:48 AM
...and on that cheery note....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:21:16 PM
Here's a coupla cute ones for ya, mates:

"Isn’t That How It Was Always Done?"

A little girl was watching her mother prepare a fish for dinner. Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while and then said, "I've always done it that way - that's how Grandma did it."

Not satisfied with the answer, the little girl went to visit her Grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish before baking it.

Grandma thought for a while and replied, "I don't know. My mother always did it that way."

So the little girl and the Grandma went to visit Great Grandma to find ask if she knew the answer.

Her Great Grandma thought for a while and said, “Because, in my day, we had only a small kitchen, and my baking pan was too small to fit in the whole fish.”




"In The Land Of The Blind..."

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A store's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it takes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it !'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he couldn't know that she was the only person around.

But the man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you just tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 16, 2008, 09:27:52 PM
Ugh ... I was just eating my lunch!!  :D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:41:54 PM
Ooops, again!

Twice in 10 minutes I've upset upset you, LL. Neither was intended (although the joke WAS funny!) -- sorry!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Linda on June 16, 2008, 09:44:06 PM
Just as well I'm not an over-sensitive hag!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 16, 2008, 09:47:32 PM
 >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 12:09:28 PM
   How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb ?


These are the answers from dogs when asked  :

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Sheepdog: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 12:52:17 PM
What a hilarious joke, binks -- that really nails the breeds, yeah?
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 03:14:08 PM

Once again, I've probably alienated half the forum !  >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 17, 2008, 04:17:01 PM
Well I loved it!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: greenone on June 17, 2008, 04:19:20 PM
Haven't offended me - one of mine is a Border Collie.  Uuum might have a talk to him about rewiring the house.  Think of the savings!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 04:19:41 PM
You can be my bestest fwiend, Toni !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 17, 2008, 04:20:54 PM
If I ever have a dog again, it would be a Border Collie......brilliant canines !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 09:51:10 PM
Absolutely -- they're my top A-1 favorite #1 breed!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 17, 2008, 10:25:36 PM
Yes, but such high maintenance/energy - they need to be kept busy or they can be very destructive.  And that busy includes activities that make them think.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 17, 2008, 10:44:04 PM
I'd say most of them can outsmart us as well quite often. Plus they're so good-natured and eager, you just have to love their enthusiasm and spunk.

My favorite part is when they give the sheep "the eye" -- it's as if they're communicating soundlessly like a hypnotist, saying "Do as I command!"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 18, 2008, 04:08:10 AM
I love watching 'One Man and His Dog'...fab programme - especially when the dogs don't do as whistled at...  :-R
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 18, 2008, 01:06:06 PM
Wish we had that one here -- sounds like a hoot, mon!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 04:40:39 PM

This will undoubtedly mean more to my Aussie forumates !

On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days
off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands
when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen
noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a QLD jersey,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing N.S.W tops
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and
pulled the QLD fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with
the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic
calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,
'I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people
of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a
truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model
for other nations.' She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, 'Who was that?!'

'That,' one answered, 'was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows
everything about our country.'

'Well,' the harpoonist replied, 'she knows stuff all about shark fishing.

How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?'

GO THE BLUES!!!


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 18, 2008, 04:44:25 PM
Oh how wicked!! ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 05:32:20 PM

Couldn't resist showing you this....just hope it's large enough to read.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: perdita on June 18, 2008, 07:26:48 PM
You could eat so much more with one of these!

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 18, 2008, 09:44:20 PM

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 20, 2008, 09:54:57 AM

http://merkey.net/beginning/


http://www.exactcenteroftheinternet.com/thankyou.htm


http://n.ethz.ch/student/stadleja/
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: birdy on June 20, 2008, 02:34:16 PM
Wow - that was a fast trip through the Internet.  And all those people told me that once I got the 'net, I'd be trapped and never get away from the computer!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 20, 2008, 03:35:04 PM


I've always been in favour of the concise !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 20, 2008, 09:06:33 PM
I greatly fear that whoever did that, funny as it was, really ought to get a life...or a proper job!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 21, 2008, 11:53:12 PM

Political correctness gone mad, don't you think ?


"Brainstorming has undoubtedly generated some bolts of brilliance and flashes of inspiration over the years.
But in genteel Tunbridge Wells, the council decided it might lead to the traditionally Disgusted residents of the town becoming Offended as well.
So now the expression brainstorming has been banned. And in future, meetings to generate new ideas will be referred to as 'thought showers'."

(This Is London...21/6/08)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 22, 2008, 07:57:08 AM
                                             New Product Announcement


Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 22, 2008, 07:33:19 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........

You got nice house.'
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 23, 2008, 05:08:36 PM
Thanks Binkie and Bobbi, I sent both of those on.  My friend Di, who is head of one of our Girls' Junior Schools will love the book one.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 23, 2008, 08:10:48 PM
Bobbi...loved that joke.... :laugh:  :laugh:   :laugh:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 23, 2008, 09:43:33 PM
That was a good one, bobbi -- thanks for the chuckle!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 24, 2008, 11:53:56 AM
I thought this would be nice follow-up to toni's recent getaway, but through a child's eyes!

Children On The Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't
have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.
(Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the
sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
they would have been better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny
tails. But how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and
my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to
write.
(Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the
sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water
fired right up her fat behind.
(Julie age 7)
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 24, 2008, 04:59:37 PM
Oh man! that was so cute.  I love kids unintentional humour.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 24, 2008, 06:03:57 PM

Oh that was really lovely, Threeb. Thank you for some innocent laughs !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 24, 2008, 06:24:01 PM


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'            So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

<>
I used to like Eric.............
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 24, 2008, 07:13:41 PM

Wonderful, Toni......though you should have given him a quick thump with a piece of 2 by 4 !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 24, 2008, 09:28:02 PM
Sounds just like my younger son -- he'd just roll his eyes at me and then quietly shut the door to his room.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 25, 2008, 04:53:18 AM
A clip round the lugs is in order i think!!!
But good for him for fixing it...Have a chat with him about the photos??
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 25, 2008, 08:45:58 AM
   
                                  Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.





Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 25, 2008, 06:36:29 PM


I hope that this won't offend Bobbi or any other New Zealand forumates. It's all intended affectionately !

A MEDGEN Visualise, Conjure up mentally, also John Lenon's first solo Album"Imagine"
BRIST Part of the human anatomy between the "Nick" and the "Billy"
RUST Part of the human anatomy between the "Fingers" and the "Elbow"
FUSHEN CHUPS What good Catholics eat each Friday.
CHULLY BUN "Chilly Bin" also known as an Esky or Cold Box
ERROR BUCK Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" &"Libernon"
CHICK OUT CHUCKS Supermarket point of sale operators.
ERROR ROUTE Arnott's famous oval shaped "mulk error route buskets"
BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the billy"
BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and "Libinon"
EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff
GUESS: Flammable vapour
SENDELS: Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR: Terminator, murderer.
CUSS: Pursing & thun metting of lups
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "ruggertony"
Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Peck - I'm packing a suitcase
Pissed aside - Chemical which terminates insects
Pigs - Hang out washing with
Pump - To act as agent for prostitute
Pug - Large animal
Nin tin dough - Computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - Male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
Mckennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - To leave
Kiri Pecker - Famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - Potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jungle bills - Xmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Fush - marine creatures
Ever cardeau - Avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 25, 2008, 08:53:33 PM
yup, that's pretty much what we sound like  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:19:46 AM

And there's nothing wrong with that, either !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:24:38 AM

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

After they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night- ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Moral to this story.........

There are teachers.......and then there are Educators.......


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:34:45 AM
Hilarious.....

Back to the boyfriend thing I would settle for 4 out of that lot - but for the moment could i have Ace of Hearts...just till Christmas....  :o
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:36:42 AM

Sorry...I bagged him first !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:40:27 AM
Bog off...you've got one at home already.....greedy mare!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:43:53 AM

Oh, charming !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:44:51 AM
It's costing me a bloody fortune in batteries!!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 06:47:03 AM

Please, please spare me the details !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 26, 2008, 06:57:03 AM
I wasn't going to give you the details, but now that you bring it up [to coin a phrase]...it's


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 26, 2008, 07:22:36 AM

STOP ! I beg of you....please stop!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: jane@manutd on June 27, 2008, 06:52:14 AM
"Splutter, splutter" TMI !!!!
Was definately thinking of coming round next month but not so sure now!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 27, 2008, 09:10:38 AM
... be careful what you wish for -- etc, etc, etc!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 27, 2008, 09:41:00 AM
"NEW YORK—In a press release Tuesday, Viacom executives announced their newest hour-long VH1 Celebreality program, Knight Life, with former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, has been canceled for failing to reach the wretched depths of the network's low standards. "Despite some really excellent footage of Christopher vomiting into his hot tub, Knight Life was just not pitiful enough to meet our audience's expectations," Viacom president and CEO Philippe Dauman said of the show, which only featured three unsuccessful attempts to hit on strippers, two drunken brawls, and a single midget. "Unfortunately, the program lacked the petty and reprehensible acts that demean all humanity and make for good, compelling television." Dauman added that VH1 would consider bringing the show back if Knight were to become so distraught by the cancellation that he had to be hospitalized for an unsuccessful suicide attempt."

From "theonion.com"
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Toni on June 27, 2008, 03:07:39 PM
Love it!  I am SO sick of the plethora of TV programmes that seem to exist on nastiness.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 27, 2008, 09:00:09 PM
There is a group of shows that portray reality but don't indulge in too much in that kind of belittlement: Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, Ax Men, Black Gold (about drilling for oil) and several others which show how hard some people must work to earn a living (albeit well-compensated). It's high drama, fraught with danger. They do show the mistakes people make that can be deadly, but it's not all about just making people look stupid!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 27, 2008, 09:30:00 PM
Jane, i don't leave it laying around the house....it is tucked away very discreetly in my pull along suitcase that goes with me everywhere.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 12:05:23 AM


   THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Anaesthetist

4. Cinnamon

5. Chrysanthemum




THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition

3. Anti-constitutionalistically

4. Transubstantiate

5. Sphygmomanometer




THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

02. Nope, no more booze for me.

03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

04. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

07. I'm not interested in fighting you.

08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.



Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 12:57:18 AM
That was hilarious! Can't hardly say most of them when sober, either!  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 01:07:14 AM
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 12:41:47 PM
THE VALUE OF DRINK

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.  
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 12:51:11 PM
Very profound, hic, bobbi!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 01:00:33 PM
Unfortunately, I have bronchitis (haven't been ill for years - this studying lark demonstrates the relationship between stress and the immune system.) So I'm taking antibiotics and not drinking anything remotely alcoholic.

Can't think why I let myself get so stressed out - have just racked up my third A grade for a paper this semester. Managed a B+ for the fourth. Grades in New Zealand Unis range from A to C, similar to 1st, 2nd and 3rd class passes at UK Unis. So I'm doing just fine. Will post my intern experiences in my thread. While it was great, it wasn't exactly funny.
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 29, 2008, 07:25:21 PM


                                                           Daily Affirmations

 

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: bobbi on June 29, 2008, 09:16:51 PM
Brilliant Binkie

Inspiration for every occasion  :D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 09:25:56 PM
Classic stuff, kiddo! I'll copy it over and hang it on the wall behind my desk -- in heavy 40-size font!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 29, 2008, 10:02:08 PM
PS -- I just noticed a "guest" was already printing the topic! How eerie!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 02:47:55 AM
I shall stick that up in my office.....
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on June 30, 2008, 06:23:31 AM


A guest printing it ? Most sinister !
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 07:52:39 AM
I wonder if he was a welcome or unwelcome one -- furtive, to say the least!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 07:58:44 AM
i think there is something furtive about all the 'guests' who read our diatribes [and quite frankly tosh on numerous occasions]...eavesdroppers, stalkers, spies, etc... and don't join in!!!
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 08:02:40 AM
... lurkers, skulkers and peekers ...

or are they just terribly shy????  >:D
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: technomc on June 30, 2008, 08:07:00 AM
I wish they would come and tell us....

Mind you..lots of us lurked before we joined in. Just shy then-or they have 'normal' lives and don't feel the need for a virtual one!!!

I'm off to bed now mates...catch up again soon..  :-*
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: biggerbirdbrain on June 30, 2008, 08:21:20 AM
It would be nice if they did ...

Nitey-nite, T! Sweet dreams, then!  :angel:
Title: Re: Forumites changing light bulbs -- a humorous thread!
Post by: Binkie on July 02, 2008, 05:13:43 PM


                                               Men and women are not alike.


Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each